Jezebel: washington city paper

Ameenah Franks Broke Into DC's Highest-Security Office Buildings — All For Love!

Moe — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 12:00:47 EST

Before her twentieth birthday, career office thief Ameenah Franks slipped past security at the Federal Aviation Administration, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, the U.S. Treasury Department and various other high-security federal office complexes. She stole wallets, and digital cameras and even a Secret Service badge and was a total head-trip to anyone in charge of assuring that the nation's most sensitive government agencies weren't vulnerable to a terrorist attack — and she did it all because she was a fool for a man, and she needed to provide for their four motherfucking kids. Even detectives were charmed by her story! "Her motive wasn't based on substance abuse, which is 98 percent of these types of crimes," said one. "Her motivation was to support her family. I'm not in any way condoning what she did. But she was very good at what she did. She could have made a very good career in Hollywood as an actor."

Yeah, that's always the tragedy, right? Too bad all skilled hucksters, hustlers and bullshit artists can't just pick up and go to Hollywood and become actors or like, rappers or whatever! And like, too bad that mentality has sort of, like, permeated the conventional wisdom to the extent that even from her jail cell someone like Ameenah Franks is still bullshitting reporters, spinning her narrative about love and cunning and how she was sort of like "Robin Hood" and redemption or whatever without ever once pausing to curse whoever it was held a gun to her head and forced her to have those four motherfucking kids.

Desk Job [Washington City Paper]

Holler Of Fame: Catcalls We Can Get Behind

Moe — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 12:08:00 EDT

Holler Season Is Here! Which means: you get to be racist now! Wait, what? No, really! "Raging feminist" Kimberly Klinger, a white Washington D.C. resident who chronicled her every catcall for an entire year (whoa! dumb book deal alert!) for a piece in this week's Washington City Paper, says so!

I consider myself noncrazy. So I'm extra-embarrassed that I "hate" the immigrants in my neighborhood. (The neighborhood I'm gentrifying—but, hey, that's another issue.)

Right, back to the important part: how to fight back. Kim suggests loud mock kissy sounds and copious bird-flipping and we kind of think she needs to get laid because hollers not only provide a useful if superficial sense of assuagement of the gentrification guilt we felt in the first place, they occasionally yield such gems as: "Someone call Tyra, there goes America's next top model!" (Target: Jennie. Funnier because: Catholic school uniforms.)
Which is to say, it's what, at most five seconds of discomfort for a lifetime of funny stories? We have fucked dudes to achieve the same result! After the jump, our faves.

"Why you walkin so fast? We don't hurt white people in this neighborhood!" Harlem.
"Hey mami!" Brooklyn, by a seven year old, which is why it comes to mind. More creepy than funny, perhaps, but still.
Man: "Hey light skin!" Man's friend: "She ain't light skinned, she's white!"
"Oooh I wanna knock you up so bad, baby..." Philly.
White homeless man in Philadelphia to black girl: "I want to eat your chocolate insides, you want my white chocolate?"
"I WANT TO SMELL YOUR PANTIES."
"Is your hair real?"
"Uhhhh....uhhhhh...oh yeah." Midtown. (Anna: "The thing that was uncomfortable about this one was that in the space of two or three seconds it really took you into the experience of what it would be like to fuck him. Which was kind of gross."
"You look like Scarlett Johansson." (Very, very false in this case.)
And, that's right, we want to hear yours!

Diary of a Catcall Hater [Washington City Paper]

Vagina Monoblogs: Real Estate Mogul Alyssa Shelasky Moves In With Parents

Moe — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 13:27:26 EDT

Virgin Chronicler Sarah DiMuro's BFF thinks Cute Blond May Be 'The One.' Which means: 1. Her blog is about to become even more boring than Alyssacentric 2. She will get laid in time for....the Beijing Olympics?
Alyssa Shelasky goes on and on about moustaches and Los Angeles and her perfect credit score and posts a picture wherein her fivehead looks extra-extra XXL so as to obscure the hilarious fact that she feels "slightly lame" about the fact that she is moving into her parents' DUMBO loft. [Alyssacentric]
Wash City Paper blogger Mel B. makes the dubious assertion that burlesque is back because it is hot. But it's just so... goth or something. [About Last Night]
One D At A Time sparks controversy by wondering whether we think it's rude when a dude wipes off his D with a sock before using it to de-splooge the, er, areas his D was actually aiming at. We'd vote yes, and append: Also, if we were able to tell you how big your D was while it was actually crammed in our mouth, it would not actually be a true statement. Thank you. [One D AT A Time]