1.) Wanda Sykes' Sarah Palin pop-up book

2.) Tyra's "big" holiday give-away show
First of all, she doesn't even give the presents to everyone in the audience, just one audience member per gift. Secondly, she sounds more like she's on the street corner trying to sell us shit that fell off the back of a truck.

3.) These shirts:

4.) Tuna

5.) Same shit, different drunks
I missed the first two episodes of the new season of Bad Girls Club while away on vacation, but I caught the new one that aired this week, and it seems like I didn't miss much.

6.) Extreme Bathrooms
There was actually an hour-long show all about "extreme" bathrooms. I watched the whole thing, because it seemed like a Homer Simpson-y thing to do, but it was basically all like this:

7.) Babs
I don't know if it's all the years on television and all the awards she's received, or the onset of dementia, but it seems like every time she speaks now—about anything—she expects everyone to be fascinated, or at least impressed, with what she's saying.

8.) That's my Mariah!

9.) Mom who grows weed
A woman sold her hair salon and asked her son how she should invest her money, and he bought her a piece of land and turned her into a medical marijuana farmer. She's enjoying it.

10.) Last-minute Christmas gift idea
The Shady Lady brothel has just added male prostitutes to its roster. The madam there is offering coupons.

• It's Complicated's Alec Baldwin has amazing body image. "I have a great ass, if I may say so. That's a part of my body that needs no surgical enhancement or rearranging." But when it comes to cosmetic surgery, Baldwin says:

"I'm not saying I wouldn't do something! I intend to do something, I probably will. Let's put it this way: I wouldn't rule it out because... You don't think I wake up every day and wish I looked like this and this and this? But I can't let that bother me." Costar Meryl Streep is not convinced: "If you've ever even contemplated that stuff and looked at what can go wrong in any of those magazines, it's terrifying!" [Us via Entertainment Weekly ]

• Oooh! Julianne Moore on 30 Rock! Maybe as Alec Baldwin's love interest! [E!]
• Britney Spears' Australian tour has yet to begin, but it's already controversial: People have heard she'll be lip-syncing, and they are not happy. [AFP, Sydney Morning Herald]
• The Michael Lohan mess continues! Now Lindsay has Twittered, "Haha he's needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN." In response, Michael says: "Lindsay is grasping at straws and when she gets angry she lashes out." And! "I want her to go into rehab." Yeah. We know. [RadarOnline]
• Lindsay also Tweeted that her father is a "loser" and, in reference to her mom, says: "She blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I'd beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did." Michael Lohan responds: "That's a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I'm going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies. No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given." [Page Six, ABC News]
• Want video of Michael Lohan saying Lindsay lies and so on? You got it. [Radar Online]
• Speaking of Michael Lohan, he and Hailey Glassman are among the witnesses TLC plans to subpoena in a breach of contract lawsuit filed against Jon Gosselin. That should be fun. [People, Radar Online]
• OMG OMG! The White House will host an episode of Iron Chef America, and contestants will use food from Michelle Obama's garden! [NY Daily News]
• Levi Johnston is pissed that William Shatner read his Tweets on The Tonight Show. His rep released a statement which reads: "My client, Levi Johnston, is being impersonated on your media (Twitter) and this is leading to libel and slanderous statements being attributed to him. ... We want you to put an immediate end to this illegal activity. ... You are being used as a medium to promote this illegality and we want immediate action." Etc., etc., etc. [ET, TMZ]
• Levi Johnston went shopping for hockey gear. For his ten-month-old son, Tripp. [ET]
• Levi Johnston is getting an award from our sister site, Fleshbot. [E!]
• Kate Hudson and A-Rod celebrated the Yankees' win by partying late. [NY Daily News]
• Will Oprah move her show from Chicago to L.A.? In a word: No. Not in the immediate future, anyway. But since her network, OWN, supposedly launches next year, she may move the show. But a source calls the OWN company "rudderless." [MSNBC Scoop]
• "Oprah Winfrey is removing gospel singer BeBe Winans from her show's 'karaoke challenge' until charges against him for allegedly pushing his ex-wife to the ground are resolved." [AP]
• Colin Farrell's sex tape has come back to haunt him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's family. [Irish Central]
• Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are house-hunting together, if you care. [People]
• As you may have read in Midweek Madness, the stripper who claims she hooked up with Josh Duhamel claims that they fell asleep together after doing the deed, but "he kept waking her up for more sex." [Us]
• Awww: Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle says Freida Pinto and Dev Patel are "soul mates." [Mirror]
• Um, David Gest plans to hold a seance tonight to attempt to contact Michael Jackson. You know who Gest needs to contact? A good hairdresser, because there is something WRONG. [The Sun]
• Kevin Spacey made a joke about Simon Van Kempen, Alex McCord and Ramona Singer of the Real Housewives of NYC, but they didn't think it was funny. [Gatecrasher]
• A suicide prevention group is not happy about the scene in The Office when Michael tries to scare kids by hanging from a noose. [AP]
• Jesse James is ordering his ex-wife to leave new wife Sandra Bullock out of their custody battle. Sandra has been helping Jesse raise his 5-year-old daughter ever since January, when Jesse's ex-wife — porn star Janine Lindemulder — wen to jail for tax evasion. [People]
• Mean! Sharon Osbourne thinks that Susan Boyle "looks like a hairy [bleep]hole." [Page Six]
• Spotted: Paula Abdul bawling at a screening of Precious. [Page Six]
• Stephen Colbert saw Bob Woodruff trying to tape an interview with Bruce Springsteen near a bathroom, so, naturally, Colbert flushed the toilet every time Bruce started to talk. [Page Six]
• Kevin Federline certainly likes to procreate. The National Enquirer is reporting hat his girlfriend is pregnant. That's K-Fed's fifth kid. [Perez]
• "Morgan Freeman has settled a lawsuit related to a 2008 car accident that seriously injured him and a passenger, according to court records posted Thursday." [USA Today]
• Pamela Anderson has been living in a trailer while her home was being worked on. "I moved there because I was waiting for this damn house to be built in this posh part of Malibu — then I realized I was so much happier." But now she's ready to move back into her house, although, she says: "The kids don't want to leave." [Daily Express]
• MTV host Alexa Chung celebrated her birthday with Agyness Deyn, cake, and ice cream. [Page Six]
• James Gandolfini doesn't like it when you film him without his consent. In this video, he tells a guy with a camera, "I'm gonna break your fucking face." Jeez. Do not make Tony Soprano mad! [Gothamist]
• Whatshername's kid is okay and out of the hospital. [The Sun]
• "Being out and just open: It's very liberating. Now I don't have to dance around anything. I don't have to think 'Well, if I say that, they're going to figure this out and that's going to lead to this.' Now, everything is out on the table. I don't have anything to hide; I can be even bolder." — Wanda Sykes. [USA Today]
• "There's that saying, what other people think of me is none of my business? But I don't really care. And I've dined with my heroes, man. If we're talking about comedians and people that have taken shots at me, I don't get it. I don't get that, 'cause I know that the Chris Rocks and the Steve Martins and the Billy Cosbys and the Rodney Dangerfields, guys that I loved, embraced me. Other comics, what people deem 'alt comics,' a lot of them have egg on their face 'cause they're now making talking-animal movies. 'Cause they sold out hard-core. And they have to answer to their fans now - 'Hey, I took a shot at Dane,' but you're in Alvin and the Chipmunks. And you know what? More power to you. You did a movie that goes against what you preached, and what you hard-core vehemently nailed me on. I know you got a kid to feed. You might have a sick mom that you have to take care of. And that's okay. I'm not gonna take your legs out from under you. But I am aware that you put your head in your pillow, and maybe you should have bit your tongue a little bit." — Dane Cook. [NY Mag]
• "I've done a few things, playing around with the OCD thing — when I leave my house I do a few things just to see what that's like. It's fun — you just have to maintain a real level of stillness. There's an air of confidence that comes through that stillness which dictates on the character so it's been a fun ride." — Dominic Monaghan pretends he has OCD because he plays a character with OCD on FlashForward. [Mirror]
• "Pepsi has created a soda that has Viagra in it. It's not going to be called a soft drink anymore." — Bruce Springsteen. [Gatecrasher]
• "I wouldn't have made it on that show. The pressure is unbelievable. Success wasn't measured back then as it is today — it took us three albums to make it big and I don't think they would have let happen now." — Jon Bon Jovi on X Factor. [Telegraph]
• "We are not supposed to still be here." — Jon Bon Jovi on being in the biz for 25 years. [BBC News]
• "I'm gonna get in trouble for this, but I don't watch any of the shows! The only show that I've seen anything on was a couple episodes of Atlanta and that's because I'm really good friends with [Atlanta's] NeNe and she was telling me about something and I was like, 'Oh, that sounds juicy. I gotta watch it!' I just developed a makeup line called Gretchen Christine Beaute and I'm working on the Gretchen Project and I just don't have time to watch TV — it's hard enough to get me to sit down and watch the show I'm on! I already have enough drama, obviously, in my life, so I don't need to watch the drama of the other ones." — O.C. Real Housewife Gretchen. [PopWrap]
• "I just finished writing a script and I am trying to get funding and casting for it, believe it or not. It's called We and it's a love story… It is two parallel love stories told from a woman's point of view, obviously. One is a historical story that took place with the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. And the other is one I made up about a couple in New York." — Won't you please fund Madonna's film career? [Daily Express]
• "No more farm animals — and no more children!" — George Clooney. [CNN]

• Michael and Dina Lohan will work together on getting Lindsay Lohan off of pills. Says Michael Lohan. [Radar Online]

• Papa Lohan says of Lindsay: "Her problem is prescription drug use. I've seen pictures of her in Paris, and she looks totally out of it. There are morons hanging around her, and they have their hands on my daughter." [Gatecrasher]
• But! Dina Lohan says: "I don't go — like my ex — on national television and make things up. He's estranged from Lindsay; he doesn't know what's going on in her life. Michael doesn't talk to her. "I've had full custody of all my children for the last 10 years. He has been incarcerated for some of that time, so whatever is going on in Lindsay's personal life is our business. And for him getting paid to say things about her when he's five months behind in child support is wrong." Oh, and re: Ungaro, Dina sniffs: "The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius." [Page Six]
• "Leave Lindsay alone. Let her be a real 23-year-old. Let her grow, and let her artistic abilities flourish. Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God."— Dina Lohan. [Page Six]
• Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician, may face arrest — and could lose his medical license — after missing a late child support hearing. [NY Post]
• "The CBS producer accused of blackmailing David Letterman was convinced the comic king bedded 'six or seven' female staffers, a pal of the newsman said Thursday." [NY Daily News]
• A chimpanzee was supposed to be a guest judge on Dancing With The Stars on Tuesday, but PETA complained. This is not a joke. [NY Post]
• Nicole Kidman has teamed up with Omega watches — she signed watch boxes to benefit the United Nations Development Fund for Women. Fifty percent of the proceeds of the watch sales will go to UNIFEM. [WWD]
• Jon Gosselin didn't leave the twins' birthday party at 6pm — he stayed to put his kids to bed. And he was cordial to Kate. But did not spend the night. [TMZ, People]
• You know how Jon Gosselin brought a misspelled birthday cake (it's "Mady", not "Maddy") to his kids' birthday party? Well it was sort of an insult to Kate, who was making a cake from scratch. [BBC News]
• Mischa Barton was spotted buying rounds of shots for Ryan Ross — formerly of Panic At The Disco; currently in Young Veins. [Gatecrasher]
• Mischa Barton was spotted getting out a cab in front of a bar, yelling "I need a drink!" Been there. [Page Six]
• Uh-oh, Nicolas Cage owes over six million dollars in unpaid taxes. Uncle Sam doesn't like that. [TMZ]
• Dr. Phil is denying that he forced a woman to stare at a naked man and grabbed her breast. [TMZ]
• Hilary Swank walks around naked in front of her boyfriend's son. "You wonder at what age you should stop walking around nude," she admits. "But he doesn't look twice. He doesn't think about it yet." Really? He's 6 years old. [Gatecrasher via Marie Claire]
• Khloe Kardashian will now be known as Khloe Kardashian Odom. Adjust accordingly. [Page Six]
• Robin Williams will do his stand up act, Weapons Of Self Destruction, in NYC in November, his first show since having heart surgery. [NY Daily News]
• LOL: Woody Harrelson gets his zombie punchlines from Paul McCartney. [NY Post]
• Mya's dress split at a party; she used safety pins and staples to cobble it back together. Stars are just like us! [Page Six]
• "The husband of Danielle Staub from "Real Housewives of New Jersey" claims she strait up lied when she called him a rapist and a dog murderer ... and now he's suing her for defamation." [TMZ]
• At the link is a recap and insider report and blow-by-blow account of Jeremy Piven's Broadway drama/Speed-the-Plow meltdown. [NY Times]
• Kylie Minogue will do a residency in Vegas? Makes total sense. [Mirror]
• Speaking of Kylie: her ex-boyfriend Olivier Martinez has accepted undisclosed libel damages over a claim that he had cheated on her during their long-term relationship. The Sun apparently makes stuff up. [The Star]
• Breaking: Audrina Patridge is single and happy. [People]
• Kristen Bell will star as Christina Aguilera's rival in Burlesque, a musical drama about "a small-town girl with a big-town voice who finds love and success in a neo-burlesque club." You guys, Cher plays the club owner. CHER. [Hollywood Reporter]
• On the Wanda Sykes HBO special: "She is… the funniest person in America… Sykes gets the crowd laughing early and keeps them laughing to the end, with no significant down time and no cheap tricks… [It] all builds to a prolonged, brilliant segment on being gay and black that puts a racial spin on every coming-out cliché- making us see both with new eyes." [USA Today]
• "Filmmaker Steven Spielberg, long recognized for his artistic achievements, was honored with the Liberty Medal on Thursday for his compassion and humanitarian work." [AP]
• Parker Posey has joined the cast of Highland Park, a dark comedy with Danny Glover. The film focuses on the high school faculty in a struggling community. In the story, a teacher wins the lottery and uses the cash to restore the local library; the film is actually attempting to help reopen a real library in Detroit. [Hollywood Reporter]
• "Thursday's episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta took a dark turn. Following the news of the death of Anthony "AJ" Jewel outside his Atlanta strip club last week, viewers watched his then-fiancée, Housewife Kandi Burruss, waver about the future of their relationship - awkwardly unaware, as the cameras rolled, that the relationship had no future." [People]
• Isaiah Washington: Still looking for jobs. Sources say it's not because of the Grey's fallout, but because he is difficult to work with. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Gloria Estefan bought 2,000 tickets for her concert in Puerto Rico this weekend and will distribute them via raffle among 17,000 recently laid-off government workers. [AP]
• Gladys Knight is embarking on a farewell tour? Is she taking a midnight train? [Independent]
• "I'm in 'Gay Paris' — I swear as an Englishman that by the time I leave tomorrow it'll be known as 'Hetero Paris.' Or at least Bi Paris." — Russell Brand. [NY Daily News]
• "I was always thinking 'how am I going to keep my old chap in my pants?' But Ayda and me are very loved up – sprogs on the way and all that business. I don't know what will go on down the road, but I don't want to do anything to fuck it up or do anything to upset her." — Robbie Williams on gf Ayda Field. [Telegraph]
• "My dad went into a rant. Farrah came flying at him to defend herself, he blocked her and, in the process, broke her arm. They spun the truth to protect Ryan (but) I was there, I saw it happen." — Griffin O'Neal says his father Ryan O'Neal cheated on Farrah Fawcett and was abusive. [Daily Express]
• "It's obviously very strange, a little mad. Especially the [Audrey] Hepburn comparisons. I mean, that's such a lovely thing to say about the film, and I see it in the Paris montage. But you know, I didn't think about the end product much when I was making it. I just thought, what fun! There's Emma Thompson! I had to fight for this part; I auditioned three times and must have called my agent every day for two months afterwards. I knew it was a special gang going in, but I just thought…oh, I have to play Jenny. Her journey is enormous." — Carey Mulligan on all the buzz her performance in new film An Education is getting, in which she plays "a fiercely intelligent teenage girl living in barely pre-Beatles London." [The Daily Beast]
• "It's fucking weird. I'll be the first to admit that New York is one of the greatest cities in the world. But what you see on screen is not the life we really lead." — Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley, who likes taco stands, not fancy restaurants. [BlackBook]
• "The only expert thing I know about a relationship is that I don't know anything. I think every time I think I know something, obviously you then learn that you don't know anything, but I do know this to be true: I know that men marry women hoping that they will not change, and women marry men hoping that they will change, and inevitably, everyone's disappointed." — Vince Vaughn. [Independent]
• "Younger guys are generally more adventurous, not set in their ways. I don't like guys my age because they are normally either married or divorced and grumpy, fat and balding." — Madonna. [Daily Express]

Over at the Rose Garden yesterday, Obama put out an impassioned message to a gathering of health care professionals, who were tapped to go into their communities and clarify the misunderstandings surrounding health care reform.

Obama sought to associate his health care plan with some of the most trusted figures in the debate, who, in turn, agreed to speak favorably of the president's plan and picked up media coverage in markets across the country by appearing at the White House.

"You are the people who know this system best," Obama said. "You are the experts. Nobody has more credibility with the American people on this issue than you do."

The POTUS is also quietly advocating for a public option behind the scenes. The LA Times reports that Obama and his aides have been gauging the amount of support for a public option and encouraging moderates to support the plan.

In the last week, however, senior administration officials have been holding private meetings almost daily at the Capitol with senior Democratic staff to discuss ways to include a version of the public plan in the healthcare bill that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) plans to bring to the Senate floor this month, according to senior Democratic congressional aides.

Among those regularly in the meetings are Obama's top healthcare advisor, Nancy-Ann DeParle; aides to Reid; and staff from the Senate Finance and Health committees, both of which developed healthcare bills.

The measure that goes to the floor will be an amalgam of the two committees' bills, put together by Reid and key Democrats. The health committee bill contains a national government plan; the finance committee version does not.

Obama has also been reaching out personally to rank-and-file Senate Democrats, telephoning more than a dozen in the last week to press for action.

Also joining the last minute footrace to influence the healthcare bill are women's interest advocates. Saying that corporate policies contribute to the "insurance gender gap," women both inside and outside of the political sphere are advocating for parity in coverage.

"When it comes to health insurance, women are discriminated against," Sen. Barbara Mikulski, D-Md., told the newspaper. "We pay more and we get less, and often we are denied care."

Mikulski says she wants a final healthcare bill to mandate policies cover such things as preventive cancer screenings for women, such as mammograms and Pap tests.

This week will mark the end of throwing things against the wall - next week, we will see what sticks.

Until then, here's Wanda Sykes:

Doctors Pitch Health Reform [Politico]
Obama Quietly Tries To Shore Up Senate Support For Public Pption [LA Times]
Women Target Insurance 'Gender Gap' [UPI]
Exclusive: Wanda Sykes On Health Care [The Daily Beast]

• Melanie Griffith's rep confirmed that she has checked into a rehab facility saying, "This is part of a routine plan that was designed between her and her doctors years ago." But sources say husband Antonio Banderas demanded she get sober.

• "Melanie's struggling right now, but Antonio has been checking in on her as much as he is allowed, making sure she gets back on her feet. Without Antonio in her life, I honestly believe Melanie would be dead," says the source. [Star]
• A law enforcement official told the Associated Press that the L.A. County coroner has ruled Michael Jackson's death a homicide. The report hasn't been released to the public yet, but forensic tests found that MJ died when propofol mixed with at least two sedatives in his system. It's now even more likely that criminal charges will be filed against Dr. Conrad Murray. [MSNBC]
• According to a search warrant affidavit, Dr. Conrad Murray told the police he had been giving Michael Jackson propofol every night to treat his insomnia. Murray said he only left the room for two minutes to go to the bathroom and when he came back MJ wasn't breathing. [TMZ]
• The law firm that did work for Michael Jackson during his child molestation trial claims the estate still owes them $200,000. [TMZ]
• Katherine Jackson says Michael Jackson would have loved next month's global tribute concert in Vienna. She says, "An event of this dimension not only keeps Michael's spirit alive, more than that: It gives millions of fans the opportunity to experience his music and celebrate the life of my son." [AP]
• In the video at the link Jasmine Fiore's mother and Robert Hasman, the ex she was texting on the night she was murdered, talk about Ryan Jenkins' suicide. Hasman says, "I was happy that Ryan, that he killed himself." [TMZ]
• Though Ryan Jenkins was found dead in a hotel room in Canada yesterday, police are still looking for the women who allegedly drove him to the hotel, checked him in, paid for three days, and left 20 minutes later. [TMZ]
• At the link are pictures of the hotel room where Jenkins was found, which were taken after the room was cleaned. He was hanging from the coat rack but his feet were touching the ground. [TMZ]
• Police say they have identified the woman but won't reveal her identity. The hotel manager says he's "100% sure" it's Paulina Chmielecka, Jenkins' former fiance, but police say it isn't her and her agent says, "There is no way it can be her because on Friday she was doing a fashion show and Saturday she was filming a cooking show... She's grieving the loss of someone she used to love." [TMZ]
• Police say they are investigating whether the woman could face charges of being an accessory after the fact to a border violation and evading police. [AP]
• At V Festival Amy Winehouse said of ex Blake Fielder-Civil, "He's my man." During a magic show Amy held up an ace and said: "You see this ace card right here, this one is for me and Blake - it's our lucky card, he's my man, we can make it, we're so strong together." [The Mirror]
• Brad Pitt's manager says he was misquoted by a German magazine that reported he called Valkyrie "ridiculous." His manager explains, "Brad has never even seen Valkyrie." [UPI]
• OMG, Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were totally holding hands! "Jen and Gerry went out on Saturday night," says a source,"[they] had cocktails and … They were hand in hand." Does this mean Jen like likes him? [People]
• This latest step in their high school romance makes sense according to another source because "Jennifer won't date a normal guy... She goes after the hottest thing of the moment, what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight." [Us]
• Britney Spears' ex, Adnan Ghalib, has pled not guilty to hitting a process server who was serving him papers regarding her conservatorship with his car. [TMZ]\
• Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart took a trip on Friday, driving from L.A. to Santa Barbara. An eyewitness said, "Rebecca looked tired and upset." [People]
• "I have cellulite. I admit it," says Cindy Crawford. "Sometimes I just say, 'Screw it, I am going to wear a bikini.'" [People]
• Ugh. An MTV executive says that next season on The Hills, "Heidi and Spencer are entering some interesting new territory of considering parenthood." [People]
• Martina Navratilova is engaged to Russian beauty queen and model Julia Lemigova who was in the news in 2005 when her former lover, Edouard Stern, was murdered by his mistress during sadomasochist sex. [Daily Mail]
• A new Jay-Z song called "Off That" was released this weekend. It includes the lyrics: "Please tell Bill O'Reilly to fall back. Tell Rush Limbaugh to get off my balls. It's 2010, not 1864." [Politico]
• Wanda Sykes says she doesn't regret telling jokes about Rush Limbaugh at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. "I missed the flak because I wasn't even watching television over the next few days. ... But I wouldn't change anything," she says, "I just know a lot of people were in the room, and they were all laughing, so I think there's a little hypocrisy there - people covering their ass." [Politico]
• The View has announced a few more celebrities who will guest host next season while Elisabeth Hasselbeck is on maternity leave, including Meghan McCain, LaToya Jackson, Victoria Beckham, and Kathy Griffin, who apparently isn't banned for life. [The View]
• A&E is being sued over the network's new Steven Seagal reality show because a production company claims the idea was stolen from an idea they pitched for a reality show about Seagal, Chuck Norris, and Jean-Claude Van Damme living together. [TMz]
• Tyra Banks will be in the fourth episode of Gossip Girl this season and will play the late singer and actress Josephine Baker. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Denise Richards says of sending her daughter Sam to school in the fall, "It's bittersweet... Sami starts kindergarten, which I cannot believe, in a couple of weeks. I'm so sad about it." [People]
• "I will always love Chanel and I am completely irrational when it comes to their clothes. I will see a dress and not like it. But then, when I hear it's Chanel, I suddenly have to have it!" — Anne Hathaway [New!]
• Christopher Reeve's son, Matthew Reeve, is training to run the New York City marathon in honor of his father. He says, "I'm constantly grateful and appreciative of being able to do the simplest, most basic functions, and the fact that I have good health and can move normally. That's something I've been more aware of and grateful for since the age of 15 than most people. There is a sense of, well, I can and I should." [N.Y. Times]
• "I don't think a naked body is particularly shocking or interesting. It's not the culture I was raised in. I was not brought up in the United States. I don't share the [attitude] that you can have graphic violence, but – God forbid – you see someone's nipples." — Anna Paquin [People]
• "The thing about vampirism is that it taps into a female point of view – you have an old-fashioned gentleman with manners who is a fucking killer… it's an interesting duality, because in our present society it would be an odd thing for a woman to say, ‘I want my man to be physical with me.' How, as a modern man, can you fucking work that? It's one thing to be polite and gentle… But when do you know it's OK to crawl out of the mud and rape her [as Bill does in one scene]?… It's difficult stuff for a bloke, but a vampire gets away with it…. I think that's the attraction of the show – it's looking back at a romantic time when men were men, but they were still charming." — True Blood's Stephen Moyer [Just Jared]

• Jon Gosselin has been hanging out in the Hamptons with Star reporter Kate Major. At the home of Michael Lohan. "Jon and her are good friends," Lindsay's dad says. [E!, People]

• Jon Gosselin, Kate Major, Michael Lohan and Real Housewives Jill Zarin had dinner together. Margaret sent me an email which read: "Ok, my head just exploded. We've now tied together RHONY, the Gosselins, AND Michael Lohan? I really hope Blanket isn't the 9th Gosselin kid." [Us Magazine]
• More on Gosselin and Zarin here. [People]
• Oh no. No. Buckingham Palace requested a copy of Brüno. The Queen is going to watch Brüno. Oh no. [Telegraph]
• "Brüno star Sacha Baron Cohen gets death threats from Islamic terrorists." Something about calling Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden a "dirty wizard or a homeless Santa." [Telegraph]
• Mischa Barton's rep says she is "making improvements." [UPI]
• Mischa didn't make the cover of any of the celeb weeklies, but her rep says they've been calling and emailing. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan's Labor Pains got half as many viewers as The Parent Trap did on a different cable channel exactly a week before. [NY Daily News]
• Jude Law accidentally hit a female photographer when surrounded by paparazzi but apologized and calls the accusations that he attacked her "nonsense." [Independent]
• Comb out the weavehive: Amy Winehouse will have to go on trial for assaulting a woman at a charity ball last September. [Mirror]
• Oh wait! She already went to court! They're saying Amy used "deliberate and unjustifiable violence." [Daily Express, Telegraph]
• There was a "media scrum" at the courthouse as Amy Winehouse arrived. [Mirror]
• Last night Kelis was in labor and Nas went to the hospital; he was turned away because he was too drunk. He'd performed earlier in the evening and been downing champagne since. [TMZ]
• Kelis had a boy! His name is Knight Jones. She Tweeted: "I was in labor for 3 of the longest most painful days of my life. I don't understand when women say they don't remember giving birth." She added: "I will remember for the rest of my life. He's kinda perfect btw :)" [Rap Radar]
• Want to know more about Michael Jackson's secret son and secret moms and all kinds of secrets? Click the link. Or ask Liz Taylor. "The one woman who knows everything there is to know about Michael Jackson and where his children came from is Elizabeth Taylor," a source spills. "Elizabeth Taylor introduced Michael to the mother." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Will Michael's kids be raised by their Aunt Rebbie? [TMZ]
• The Jackson investigation is focusing on manslaughter. And documents have been seized from Dr. Conrad Murray's office. [TMZ]
• AEG has filed legal papers asking to be part of the Jackson probate hearing on August 3. [TMZ]
• Well this is not surprising: Security breeches in connection with Jackson's death certificate. Apparently it's been "improperly accessed," like, 300 times. Sigh. [E!]
• Jackson rehearsal footage for the "This is It" concerts could be spliced together into a movie to hit in theaters in October. Quick. [NY Daily News]
• Jermaine Jackson on SECRET NORWEGIAN LOVE CHILD Omer: "If Omer's his son, he's his son. We won't deny it. We are going to give him the same love and care that we give Prince and Paris and Blanket." [Daily Mail]
• Meredith Vieira says of Susan Boyle: "She's figuring it out. I think she's watched very carefully – she said she has a good team around her to help her put it in perspective." [People]
• The first song to be released as a single by Boyle has yet to be chosen. [BBC News]
• Gotta love this quote from this Tracy Morgan interview: "Tina Fey is down like four flat tires. I love her. That's my girl, Tina Fey-Fey. She's the coolest. That's my sister from another mother with a different color." [USA Today]
• Writers who want to get a job with the new Wanda Sykes Show have to do a whole lot of writing — for free — as a test. The "packet requirements" — which you can see at the link — are lengthy. Really really involved. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Julianne Hough got an Emmy nomination for her choreography, is set to star with Chace Crawford in Footloose and is in love with fellow country singer Chuck Wicks. And she just turned 21 on Monday. [USA Today]
• John Oates of Hall & Oates has a new cartoon, J-stache, the star of which is his famous mustache. "Oates is portrayed as a modern-day family man and finds himself enticed back to the rock star life by his mustache, which is voiced by comedian Dave Attell." [Reuters]
• In a "People of Today" list which includes hobbies, we discover that David Beckham enjoys wine tasting; John Cleese spends most of his leisure time indulging in gluttony and sloth. [Telegraph]
• Jay-Z will replace the Beastie Boys a the All Points West festival in Jersey City. The Beastie Boys had to cancel when MCA revealed he had throat cancer. [NY Times]
• Wendy Williams has decided to quit her longtime day job as a radio personality; she will work on her TV show full-time. [Black Voices]
• Javier Bardem has turned down a role in Oliver Stone's Wall Street sequel. [NY Times]
• Megan Fox has turned down a role in a James Bond film. She'd rather be a major player and not just a pretty face, or something. Slumdog star Freda Pinto also turned down the role. [Gatecrasher]
• Gossip Girl gossip: Are Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr on the rocks? [Page Six]
• The Whitney Houston comeback campaign is getting in full swing. [Page Six]
• We knew this, right? The Notebook, the musical? [NY Daily News]
• "'Do you still love Daddy?': Katie Price reveals the tough questions she's getting from her children in wake of split" [Daily Mail]
• "My five-year experience proved to me that I could not trust any answer that was given [about my character, George]." — T.R. Knight, on why he left Grey's Anatomy. More at the link. [NY Daily News]
• "I suppose you can put him in the same category as the Dr. Phils and these kinds of characters of the world. Thank God, he doesn't have a television show. He's become quite well known, quite quoted, popular, sells lots and lots of books. We meet him at a point of his own personal crisis and tragedy, and the film is about can he a) help himself and b) help any of his patients. But he's certainly far more screwed up than most of his patients, as it turns out." — Kevin Spacey, on his character in the new film Shrink. [Salon]
• "We based it off this movie that we were really into from the 80s called Lost Boys, about vampires and we just stole the whole concept, kids taking over this theme park and doing what they want with it and that's the whole atmosphere of the video, and it definitely came out perfectly. It's our favourite music video we've ever shot, it was wonderful, we were so happy with the outcome." — Trace Cyrus of the Band Metro Station, whose sister, Miley Cyrus, appears in the new video. [Mirror]
• "You will be surprised but I do a lot of studying and I watch National Geographic. I try to stay away from the reality shows. I don't get anything out of Kim Kardashian and her family and nothing out of Kendra. When I watch television, I got to walk away with new type of knowledge. I get none of that from Kendra [Wilkinson] and Hugh Hefner and his girlfriends. I'm not a ninth grader who gets enticed by the female anatomy like that!" — Tracy Morgan. [People]
• "I did hard drugs. I never name them because it gets too sensational, but you can imagine. It was hard. All of my life lessons were very short but very intense. When I was a teenager, I smoked tons of pot. And my relationship to chemicals was very specifically tied to my inability to connect with people. It's almost as if the drugs-disconnection-helped me connect. It doesn't make sense. But people thought I was on drugs when I wasn't on drugs, because I guess I've always been a strange bird. I wasn't fun on drugs, so I quit at 22. … I, Juliette, believe in aliens. I don't know any other Scientologists who do. I also believe in fairies, you know, the real ones that live in the forest. Like most Scientologists, I'm really antidrug, especially in our anaesthetized, consumerist culture. The idea of taking a pill when you're unhappy or uneven to even out, to consume, to be perfect little robots-it all fucking relates. I think it's a really radical thing to be present, to own your shit-your lust, your anger, your joy, your fear. That's hard, but in the long run, it's the better road to take." — Juliette Lewis. (Also click to see her dressed as Bettie Page.) [BlackBook]
• "Byron said the only difference between the English and Turks was the English spent all their time whoring and drinking, while the Turks preferred sodomy and sherbet. I'm looking forward to a bit of sodomy and sherbet myself.…Sorry granny, sorry mum. "I'd better say sorry. My grandmother, who is aged 99, might be sitting in front of the television, swallowing her false teeth." — Rupert Everett. [The Sun]
• "Pretty girls, lose the attitude. Who needs it? Life's too short. You're not a brain surgeon. In Los Angeles and New York, where there's definitely a high concentration of beautiful women… A lot of them take themselves way too seriously. Their beauty feels like it's become a weapon. There's nothing more attractive to a guy than a beautiful woman who has her defenses down… Well, maybe not that. That sounds animalistic, like you're on the prowl. [What's alluring is] a beautiful woman who seems unaware of it." —Gerard Butler. [LA Times]
• "To be honest, I think I have chemistry with everybody." — Gerard Butler. [LA Times]
• "It's probably okay for me to say this now, but my Thirteen character was completely, 100% me at that age. That's why I did it. I had never seen something that honest being done for teenagers and their parents, that wasn't some terrible educational film. It was like Requiem for a Dream, but with teenagers: everything about it just rang true with me… It made me laugh so hard when people were like, 'Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson? She's so squeaky clean!' I was like, 'I was cutting myself on camera at the age of 14 and making out with chicks!'" — Evan Rachel Wood. [BlackBook]

The "One Poll," whatever that is, asked "2600 lesbians " who their hero was. No word on whether they were given free choice or given a list of "popular entertainers," although some of the picks have us leaning towards the latter. Anyway, the world's prom queen, Angelina Jolie, was rated #1, "due to her figure, physique and fashion sense. " One more hurdle cleared in the path to world domination?

The entire "top 20" list is as follows:

1. Angelina Jolie

2. Madonna

3. Pink

4. Martina Navratilova

5. Ellen DeGeneres

6. Kylie Minogue

7. Lady Gaga

8. Annie Lennox

9. Beyoncé

10. Germaine Greer

11. Liza Minnelli

12. Gwen Stefani

13. Cher

14. Janet Jackson

15. Tori Amos

16. Britney Spears

17. Cyndi Lauper

18. Scarlet Johansson

19. Sarah Jessica Parker

20. Dolly Parton

Listen, we defend any lesbian's right to lionize an asinine group of people - and hell, who doesn't love Dolly? - but we must confess to a little surprise that a list of lesbian heroes contained only two, you know, lesbians. And no offense to any of them, but we find it a little hard to believe that Sarah Jessica Parker, Liza, and ScarJo - what, no Katy Perry? - beat out the following:

- Rachel Maddow. C'mon now. Maybe it's a British poll, but we like to think some things transcend a common language. Cher did! And maybe more straight women would sleep with Angelina (since these polls are always forcing them to pull a Katy Perry), but more smart straight women would choose Maddow. And wait for it - we'd also hang out with her platonically!

- Wanda Sykes. Out, proud, ballsy, funny? We see your Britney Spears (wtf?) and raise you.

-Sandra Bernhard. You want icons? We personally think she should knock Madonna down several rungs.

-Beth Ditto. Pink's fine and all, but here's an actual activist who also happens to write her own music, be a fashion icon, and rock.

-Jeanette Winterson. We're glad Germaine Greer made the cut, but Winterson's that rare thing, a smart bestseller.

And if we want classics, sure you need Ellen and Martina, but seriously, people - what about Melissa Etheridge?

(Oh, wait, Angelina Jolie's flack just appeared at the door with a gun. We take it back.)

Angelina Jolie Is Ultimate Lesbian Heroine [Telegraph]

Of course, Sykes didn't use that word; she used her her body to illustrate the physical joke, because she's hilarious. And then Jay Leno went and whined about the burden of the white man and my brain exploded. Clip at left.

• Kate Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8 says she and Jon may be through. "I don't know that we're in the same place anymore, that we want the same thing," she says.

• "I've been struggling with the question of 'Who is this person?' for a while. I remember where I was the first time I heard her name [Jon's alleged mistress]. It's one of those things where you can try to make it go away, but there's blaring, red flashing lights." [People]
• Kate Gosselin's brother Kevin Krieder and his wife Jodi have recorded an interview with Radar Online [in addition to their Star cover story, which was discussed in Midweek Madness]. They claim that Kate told her husband Jon "it's over." As for Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jodi says, "The show is not reality, and has not been for a long time. This is a train wreck." Kevin adds: "Their family is in shambles." [Radar Online]
• Amy Winehouse's concert in St. Lucia was supposed to be her comeback, but it was "more like a cry for help." She forgot some lyrics, danced erratically, and changed a song because she was "bored." The next day she approached the writer of the article and said, in a little girl voice, "I think I love you, Verky." She started running down to the beach then turned and screamed, "Wait! Are you a lesbian? Oh, well neither am I!" [ONTD]
• Wanda Sykes and her wife, Alex, welcomed twins on April 27. Her wife gave birth to the babies, named Olivia Lou and Lucas Claude. [People]
• Carrie Prejean appeared on Sean Hannity's Fox News show last night to explain her topless photos. "I'm from California. A swimsuit for us is no big deal," she said. She says she was doing a photo shoot for a surfing magazine and her vest just blew open because it was windy. "He was sneaking shots … it's inappropriate," she said. She added that she wound not pose for Playboy and has rejected an offer to star in a porn film. [The L.A. Times]
• Dethroned 2007 Miss Nevada Katie Rees is mad that she was punished for personal pictures taken of her showing a breast, flashing her thong, and "doing her best Katy Perry impression" but Miss California Carrie Prejean gets to keep her crown. "At least when those pictures of me came out, I admitted I was wrong and told young women in America how big of a mistake it was and to be careful because everything can affect your future," she said. "That's more than Carrie has done. She has lied about her age when she took the photos, lied about how many there were and hasn't acknowledged that she was wrong by breaking the contract. I don't think that is a good role model and I hope young women recognize that." [Yahoo]
• Court documents from Carrie Prejean's parents' divorce include explicit allegations from her sister that Carrie was physically abused by both parents and sexually abused by her father. The person blogging for Perez Hilton writes, "We're truly sorry to hear these kinds of things." Then snarks that she should speak out on child abuse as her new platform. How sensitive. [Perez Hilton]
• A battle is raging within Carrie Prejean's old school district in San Diego because some people want to make June 1st "Carrie Prejean Day" and of course, many are opposed. TMZ points out that in Canada June 1 is the National Day Against Homophobia. [TMZ]
• Roseanne Barr is Tweeting under the name "RoseanneBigMamai," sharing her insights like, "that miss cali is a rag, a hank of hair and two silicone bags on heels," and "donald trump is a pimp daddy." [ONTD]
• Kiefer Sutherland is back home in Los Angeles after being charged with assult for headbutting a designer in New York. The cast of 24 is rallying around him and Jon Voight reportedly gave him " a loving hug." [Yahoo]
• While staying in their rented Long Island mansion, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have taken to hanging out at the local Borders, Stop & Shop, and Dunkin' Donuts. They're trying to teach the kids what's normal, but the Oyster Bay locals aren't really helping "They are off the charts excited and everyone is dolled up, " says a source. "The moms are trying to look a little bit more polished. Instead of schlepping in sweat pants and messy hair, now they wear designer jeans and high heels, which they never wear. Usually it's Tod's or Gucci loafers. Everyone is putting a little more effort. Let's face it – he's a handsome guy." [People]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expected to walk the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival, where Brad's Inglorious Basterds will premiere. [People]
• Harrison Ford has confirmed his engagement to Calista Flockhart. When an Entertainment Tonight reporter asked if they're happy, Ford said, "You'd be the first to know if we weren't, wouldn't you," before adding, "Yes of course we are, I'm delighted." [The Star]
• Police were called to Lindsay Lohan's home because her burglar alarm went off. They thought someone had broken in because her room had been ransacked, but it turned out she had just committed the crime of having a messy bedroom. [People]
• Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner was given a CLIO Award last night, which rewards excellence in advertising. Weiner said, "I grew up loving advertising as a form of entertainment and I still enjoy it. I think about the fact that for some reason or another it is so close as an artist to the process of the mixture of business and art and wit. And I admire very much what you do. Now ironically I get to feel like I am part of the history of advertising, so thank you very much for this award." [AdWeek]
• Here's an audio recording of 911 calls from Victoria Principal, who says her maid is trying to rob her, and the maid, who says Principal is trying to shoot her. They are both suing each other. [TMZ]
• Robin Williams is resuming his Weapons of Self-Destruction and Reconstruction comedy tour after having heart surgery in March. [People]
• Carla Bruni and French President Nicholas Sarkozy are hunting for a new apartment in Paris. They checked out the late Yves Saint Laurent's flat, and if they buy it they'll be two floors up from Bruni's ex-boyfriend, Mick Jagger. [The Times]
• Howard K. Stern and two doctors, Khristine Eroshevich and Sandeep Kapoor, are being arraigned this afternoon in the Anna Nicole Smith drug case. [TMZ]
• When asked about Sarah Palin, Private Practice's Tim Daly said, "Oh, boy, I'm going to try and be as gracious as Mr. Obama has been about her." His attempt: "I'm sure she's an interesting person, but I would rather hope that, whether our politicians are women or men, they would come in a more articulate and better-informed package than Sarah Palin." [U.S. News & World Report]
• Rachel Weisz plays a recluse with lots of time on her hands in The Brothers Bloom and for the film, "I had to learn to look like I could play violin, piano, banjo, guitar. Unicycle, juggle. I had to learn to do a card trick, a really complicated one. That was me doing that card trick, it was one shot. Rap, skateboard, Pingpong. It was a lot of stuff," Weisz said. "I had two weeks to learn all the hobbies, apart from the card trick, and that was a month that I had to practice every single day." [Yahoo]
• Jay-Z's rider says he should be provided with a late-model black Maybach (either the 57 or 62 model) with tinted windows, various alcoholic beverages and, "good quality peanut butter and jelly, one martini shaker, 12 shot glasses, and a pack of Marlboro Lights." [The Smoking Gun]
• Just hours before they announced their separation Katie Price and Peter Andre appeared holding hands at the British Soap Awards. [The Daily Mail]
• Aerosmith is selling scratch off lottery tickets, which will let fans win concert tickets, backstage passes, and memorabilia. [The N.Y. Times]
• In response to reports that Paris Hilton's party guests vandalized her neighbor's cars, she says, "I had nothing to do with this... I would never egg anyone's car, especially to my boyfriend and sister's [Nicky Hilton] neighbors. My blue Bentley was egged, and so was Nicky's Ranger Rover." Nicky lives up the street from Reinhardt. [Radar Online]
• As mentioned in Midweek Madness, Shannen Doherty's broke up photographer Kurt Iswarienko's marriage, according to his mother-in-law. [Star]
• Just so you know, according to Maxim Olivia Wilde of House is the sexiest woman alive. [The Mirror]
• Martin Scorsese is directing a biopic about Frank Sinatra called Sinatra. [Variety]
• An email newsletter from British ski-wear company SkiWear4Less has been banned by the U.K. Advertising Standards Authority for including Natasha Richardson in an ad to sell ski helmets. [VideoGum]
• Wilmer Valderrama has recorded a commercial for PETA in which he urges parents not to take their kids to the circus because the animals are abused. "As an actor, it's my job to entertain people," says Valderrama. "Nobody forces me to perform, but, sadly, animals in circuses aren't so lucky. ... Animals aren't willing performers, so please don't ever take your family to a circus that uses animals." [PETA]
• Vegetarian Alicia Silverstone says "I didn't grow up on vegetarian food. I ate the same things that everyone else did. There were times when I would get selfish and eat meat - at eight years old it's hard to stick to your guns," she said, but eventually, "I started thinking, 'Why am I saving one animal and still eating steak? How can I love these creatures so much... and keep eating meat?' Ultimately I thought that if I wasn't ready to eat a dog, I shouldn't be eating meat at all." [The Daily Express]

• Madonna's adoption of a second Malawian child: Denied.

A spokesperson says the judge's decision had to do with "residency requirements" and the fact that the girl was being well taken care of in the orphanage. Will Her Madgesty appeal? She's actually wanted to adopt this child, Mercy, since she met her in 2006. [CNN, Telegraph, ABC News, People]

• Sacha Baron Cohen totally has a random black baby in Bruno, to mock Madonna, perhaps? [Daily Mail]
• While it is indeed good news that Britney's ex, Adnan Ghalib, has turned in his gun — for which he had a license — the question must be asked: Why did a paparazzo have a fucking gun? [E!]
• Two things about Jessica Simpson maybe being on Dancing With The Stars: She is an actual star, but we all know she can't dance. [MSNBC]
• Jennifer Lopez wants more kids but loves the attention of the spotlight and doesn't want to be a stay-at-home mom, says a random source. Dilemmas! [Gatecrasher]
• Amy Winehouse is back in St. Lucia, and who could blame her? [Mirror]
• Gymnast Shawn Johnson is trying to put the stalker stuff behind her and says, "I'm doing really good. Keeping my mind set on the dancing, that's the most important thing for me right now." [ET]
• Pencil this in if you must: Sex And The City 2 hits theaters may 28, 2010. [E!]
• If you want to see the show tunes that were on the iPod President Obama gave the Queen, click the link. "Shall We Dance" seems like an obvious choice, but it's kind of amusing to see a song from Rent on there. [CBS News]
• Oh lord, Barack Obama may have broken copyright laws by buying music and then giving it away. [Wired]
• Check out shots of Brad Pitt from Vanity Fair; he's in character as a Nazi-killer from Inglorious Basterds. [Socialite Life]
• The guy who tried to break into Jamie Foxx's hotel room — and who has been hanging around the set of Foxx's latest flick — has been arrested. It's crazy that Foxx had to force the guy out of his room and slam the door in his face! [E!]
• Johnny Depp is in Puerto Rico shooting a flick called The Rum Diary and looks adorbs. That is all. [Socialite Life]
• Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers will be part of an "all-star" recording that a source is calling "Disney's version of 'We Are the World.' It's about kindness and passing it on." If there is anything about purity rings or virginity I am suing God. [E!]
• You know Miley Cyrus' little sister Noah is an actor, right? She says: "I think it's amazing to have Miley as a sister because I look up to here and she's like my role model because she tells me everything to do that's right and I really learn everything from her." [The Star]
• Kelly Killoren Bensimon: No longer modeling for Saks Fifth Avenue. [Page Six]
• Five words: Hugh Jackman naked in Wolverine. [Socialite Life]
• Rising Sun Pictures, the Australian visual effects company that worked on Wolverine, swears it is not responsible for leaking the flick online. [The Star]
• James Franco is going to star in another stoner comedy called Your Highness. [Pop Sugar]
• LeAnn Rimes had dinner with an "unidentified male friend" and OMGISSHECHEATINGOMG. [Just Jared]
• Maybe you heard about this? Some show called ER had its finale last night, after fifteen seasons on the air. [E!]
• If you live in Boston, you won't see Jay Leno's 10pm show at 10pm — you'll see the news instead. [E!]
• The BBC has been fined for the lewd phone calls made by TV personality Jonathan Ross and comedian Russell Brand. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Charlie Sheen's infant son remains in the hospital. [People]
• Why in the name of Zeus can this woman not rest in peace? Anna Nicole Smith's dad is planning on suing her former lawyer/boyfriend/pill supplier, Howard K. Stern. [MSNBC]
• Pilot Chesley Sullenberger already has a two-book deal; now there's a TV documentary about the hero coming to TLC later this year. [NY Daily News]
• Chef Jamie Oliver has a brand new daughter, Petal Blossom Rainbow. She joins sisters Poppy Honey, 7; and Daisy Boo, 5. Brain explodes from cutesy twee names in 3…2 … [People]
• Got sunshine on a cloudy day? The Temptations will perform at the NCAA Final Four! [Yahoo News via AP]
• Woody Allen's latest flick is shot in New York — this after the last four were shot in Europe. Welcome back! [Yahoo News via Reuters]
• The Rolling Stones will reissue several albums, remastered, but with the original track listings and sleeves. [Mirror]
• First it was one station in Florida; now 16 TV stations are refusing to air the Osbournes' new show. [Daily Mail]
• Blind item! "Which wholesome TV host shocked partygoers when he pulled out a baggie of Colombia's finest?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I was driving once with my best friend - this was when I was in my 20s — I remember ripping my faux eyelashes off because they were driving me crazy, and sticking them under her dashboard. [A week later my friend called]. She said, 'Um, Brooke? I found your fake eyelashes stuck under my dashboard - why the hell did you put them there?' I was so embarrassed! But then she goes, 'And then I decided to put them on, so I'm wearing them today!' I was hysterical. How gross, right?" — Brooke Shields. [Gatecrasher]
• "With a black president, we've got to come up with a new excuse. Can't blame the Man, when you are the Man." — Wanda Sykes. [WSJ]

• Madonna is making moves in Malawi: This picture at the link shows 4-year-old Mercy, the girl she's trying to adopt, holding hands with possible new sister Lourdes. [Daily Mail]

• Oprah faces yet another scandal involving her Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa; seven students allegedly engaged in "inappropriate behaviors." [Socialite Life]
• This report says that even though girls at Oprah's school were expelled, this is not a sex scandal. [MSNBC]
• Lisa Ling's sister Laura and another journalist being detained in North Korea are headed for a trial on the basis of "already confirmed suspicions," which doesn't sound good. [People]
• Bridget Moynahan is furious with Gisele Bundchen for telling Vanity Fair she loved Tom Brady's son like he was her own. Someone close to Bridget says: "If Gisele loved Bridget's child like he was '100 percent her own,' then she would not talk about him in the press. Discretion and respect are not either of Gisele or Tom's virtues, as was evidenced even when the child was still unborn and they publicly flaunted their relationship without any discretion whatsoever." [Page Six]
• Kate Moss is supposedly in New York to open the new TopShop here and OMGCLOTHESOMG. [Daily Mail]
• Shocker: Britney's Candie's ads have been Photoshopped! Won't someone think of the children? [Daily Mail]
• Josh Holly, the dude who hacked into Miley Cyrus' email and had his apartment raided by the FBI back in October is still being investigated. Special Agent Scott Augenbaum says: "We're still working on it. He hasn't been arrested." Guess what Holly has been doing in the meantime? Hacking celeb MySpace accounts and spamming their "friends." [E!]
• Speaking of Miley, she looks ever so uncomfortable on the May cover of Glamour. [Just Jared]
• Stephen Colbert is warning NASA to name a new wing of the international space station after him or he will "seize power as space's evil tyrant overlord." [CNN]
• Holy crap yay! Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel are expecting their first baby! [Socialite Life]
• Singer Natalie Cole is in desperate need of a kidney; she went on Larry King last night to talk about it and dozens of emails came in, with offers from people saying they would get tested to see whether their kidney could be donated. Sometimes TV redeems itself. [CNN]
• In this photograph, Robert Pattinson looks like a folkie singer with long hair and a guitar. Scarier than a vampire? [E!]
• Kelly Rowland has left Columbia Records, the label she's been with since her Destiny's Child days. Good luck out there! [E!]
• American Idol's emo musical theater rocker, Adam Lambert, has a fan in Neil Patrick Harris: The How I Met Your Mother Star was in the audience last night and says, "No male in this competition has sung so well. He really hit those notes." [E!]
• A TV station in Panama City, FL decided that Osbournes: Reloaded was "not keeping with community standards" and declined to air the show after American Idol. [E!]
• A sneak peek at the new Sherlock Holmes flick: "Leave it to Robert Downey Jr. to turn Sherlock Holmes into a wisecracking action hero who ends up handcuffed naked to a bed." [Yahoo News via AP]
• Rachel McAdams says filming the Sherlock Holmes movie was "cold and dirty." "The 1800s were kind of dirty, I realized. I didn't think about that before." [Mirror]
• Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani will never collaborate musically: "We come from such band mentalities that it's something we've really done well to avoid," Gavin says. [Mirror]
• Dreamworks animated flicks like Kung Fu Panda and Monsters Vs. Aliens will be shown on FX, thanks to a deal between the channel and the distributor. [USA Today]
• Star Jones says her mind and body are not in sync: I'm still 300 lbs. in my head some days," she told Oprah. [People]
• Wanda Sykes and the Fox network are finalizing a deal for a Saturday late-night show. Bring it! [Yahoo News via Reuters]
• Some Slumdog Millionaire DVDs were released without the "making of" feature and "deleted scenes," which were advertised on the box. Buyers are bitching to Amazon about it; Amazon is blaming Fox. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Pedro, a film about the HIV positive Real World castmember Pedro Zamora, premieres tonight on MTV and LOGO. [LA Times]
• The Seattle home where Jimi Hendrix grew up has been destroyed; preservation efforts failed. [Mirror]
• Liam Neeson has completed Chloe, the film he was working on when his wife Natasha Richardson died. [CBS News]
• R.I.P Andy Hallet, who played the demon Lorne on Angel. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Blind item: "Which Academy Award winner, who constantly denies his philandering ways, was outed after sleeping with a publicist who blabbed to everyone?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I'm going to get smashed after doing this." — Ed Westwick, at the Dressed To Kilt show, before which he apparently stripped down to his underwear in a corner to change into his kilt. [Gatecrasher]
• "I break down a couple of times a week, at least. It gets overwhelming. Sometimes I think that I can't take this anymore. I just want to live a normal life. Olivia [Palermo] kind of mothers me and looks at me as a pet project…I'm not some country bumpkin. I'm from Los Angeles." — Whitney Port on The City. [Page Six]
• "If women look like her, that would be the perfect world. She doesn't need to change anything. Who likes stick skinny girls? Where's the flavor? Whoever likes those stick skinny girls never had sex before in their life." — Dancing With The Stars' "star" Gilles Marini, on people talking about Cheryl Burke's weight gain. [E!]
• "I want my dogs to be in my wedding, I am so serious." — Jennifer Hudson. [Mirror]
• "Girls are scary. Large groups of girls scare the (crap) out of me." — Kristen Stewart. [USA Today]
• I haven't read the books, but I saw the movie… I thought the movie was really bad." — Whitney Port, on Twilight. [Perez]

• Ladies and gentlemen: Mickey Rourke is reportedly dating Courtney Love, and has been for a few weeks. Somehow this makes perfect sense. [Telegraph]

• Prince Harry needs some sensitivity training, ASAP. He allegedly told a comic named Stephen Amos: "You don't sound like a black chap." Amos says: "I wanted to say, 'How is I supposed to sound?'" Feel free to *headdesk*. [The Sun]
• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have worked out a custody deal and the kids will be joining Brit while she's on tour. She's going to rent a few homes — in New Jersey and in New Orleans — and K-Fed has the greenlight to stay there in order to minimize travel. It's daddy day care! [Yahoo News via E!]
• Ew, Adnan Ghalib was recently overheard saying: "I still love Britney. I'm her boyfriend. Britney has a beautiful soul. We share something really special. The truth about us will come out eventually, but it's not for me to talk about. I love her." By "dating" does he mean "sending text messages which her dad deletes"? [ONTD]
• Was Leona Lewis the reason Chris Brown and Rihanna were arguing over the weekend? A source says Rihanna saw them flirting… [Star]
• Apparently Rihanna's 911 call is mostly audio of a woman screaming. [Daily Mail]
• Rihanna's grandmother says: "I don't want people to worry. Rihanna is fine and she is doing well." [Nation News]
• Okay, so here's why Chris Brown is being charged for "criminal threats" (a possible nine year sentence) and not domestic violence (four years): He put his hands around Rihanna's neck and said, "I'm going to kill you." [E!]
• You know that Chris Brown is being represented by Mark Geragos, right? The same lawyer who lost Winona Ryder's shoplifting case. He did get Robert Blake acquitted, but he also repped Scott Peterson, who is on death row for killing his wife. [Fox 411]
• The subject of the octuplet mom's resemblance to Angelina Jolie made the cover of OK!. More on this in Midweek Madness. [MSNBC Scoop]
• These "lipstick sculptures" of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie look nothing like them. [Grazia]
• French First Lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy in on her first trip as a goodwill ambassador for the Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria. She's in Burkina Faso today, meeting with mothers and children infected with HIV. [AFP]
• Leonardo DiCaprio was presented with an International Green Award by none other than Mikhail Gorbachev yesterday. What did you do? [Gatecrasher]
• Prepare yourself: Madonna and Demi Moore are teaming up to co-host an Oscar party. Do you have to be a foxy older lady to get in? [E!]
• By the by: Madonna's Sticky & Sweet summer tour in Europe is already all sold out. [Perez]
• Robert Downey Jr goes off on a shrub, a la Christian Bale, sorta. [Reelz Channel]
• For crying out loud, can't Jessica Simpson have a couple of beers without people writing that she didn't "seem too concerned about her weight" ?!?!?! [Page Six]
• Osbournes: Reloaded is the new variety/comedy show from The Osbournes, and there's a video preview up now. Pranks, sketches and weird dares, all with adorable accents! [Rolling Stone]
• Diablo Cody's United States Of Tara has been picked up for a second season. [Variety]
• Angela Bassett wants to play Michelle Obama, not that there's a movie in the works or anything. [Telegraph]
• Federal prosecutors want a judge to revoke Joe Francis's bail as he awaits trial; he's on house arrest, but that means he gets to watch Girls Gone Wild DVDs right? [AP]
• Forbes has named "Hollywood's Most Bankable Stars" and Will Smith is number one. Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio follow closely, and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are right behind. [Reuters]
• Daniel Dae Kim, aka Jin from Lost, is spilling secrets: The Smoke Monster will be unveiled! [AP]
• Yay! Ugly Betty is thisclose to getting renewed for a fourth season. Raise your hand if you need more Wilhelmina, Marc and Amanda in your life. [EW]
• Kevin James, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and David Spade may star in a comedy about five best friends from high school who reunite 30 years later on a Fourth of July weekend. Not to be confused with Paul Blart Mall Cop 2: Electric Boogaloo. [Variety]
• Anthony Hopkins and Josh Brolin will star in a Woody Allen film; the plot is under wraps. [Variety]
• Elaborate, tangled negotiations behind the Sundance hit Push — based on the novel by Sapphire — will make your head spin. The Weinsteins are involved. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Here's a picture of Bee Gee Robin Gibb, who got his housekeeper pregnant, standing with his wife, Dwina. The housekeeper just gave birth and the baby's name is Snow Robin; Gibb says "New life is heaven-sent and is a blessing. That's what I can say about children and life." What do you say about cheating on your wife? [The Sun, Daily Mail]
• Breaking: John Cleese seen with "mystery redhead." [Daily Mail]
• First of all, Gretchen Mol and her son are on the cover of Cookie. Second of all, her son's name is Ptolemy. Third of all, she says: "When he's having a tantrum, I am not going to look it up in a book and say, 'Okay, 14 months old? Check.' I just deal with whatever is thrown at me." [People]
• Blind item! "Which hard-partying starlet lost her virginity to her best friend's stepdad?" [Gatecrasher]
• "Watching David Letterman after 9/11, I was like, 'Wow, that's exactly how I feel.' And hopefully I can be a voice of America like that; hopefully people will say, 'I wonder what Jimmy Fallon thinks.' When it's like, 'Jimmy Fallon's a douchebag,' what am I gonna do? I don't wanna be one. But I don't know what to do differently to make that guy like me." — Jimmy Fallon, in W. [Page Six]
• "I actually made the choice to be straight as a kid. Early on I knew [being gay] wasn't gonna fly. No way. And from the teachers and church and all it was, This is wrong! What's wrong with me? And you pray and ask God to take it away, and you bury it and bury it, and you shut that part of yourself off. Then you try to live the life that you're supposed to live." — Wanda Sykes, in an amazing interview with The Advocate. [ONTD]
• "I was out at work, I was out to my family, I was out to my friends. I lived my life as a lesbian. But because I'm a celebrity I have to do this additional step, which is to tell total strangers that I'm a lesbian. I didn't know it would be this liberating. I hate identifying myself as a celebrity… I'm still not there. I'm a closeted celebrity." — Wanda Sykes. [ONTD]
• "I read the instructions, which is like you've got to put your top five in order and if the number one that you've chosen isn't really doing very well, then they move on to your number two and include that with the one that is doing well, if you see what I mean. I did get a say on that form. I got to put a vote in. I voted for Mickey Rourke. Isn't he great in that film?" — Chris Martin, on "helping" wife Gwyneth Paltrow cast her Oscar ballots. [Telegraph]
• "I do a lot better if I sit around and think about a character for a couple of months. Before I climb into him for a run, I've just sat on my ass thinking about him, just reading, plodding around my house, driving my girls to school, fixing eggs. Like that. There's not a lot of transformation in it. I'm still just a driver to my children." — Clive Owen, from a feature in Esquire with lovely photos. [Esquire]
• "She has the potential to be the greatest artist of all time and, in that sense, I feel like that's my baby sis and I would do any and everything to help her in any situation. I don't want to speak more into the specifics with that situation, but all I'll say is it's just so devastating. I feel like, just as a person, I don't care how famous she is or even if she just worked at McDonald's, that should never happen. It should never come to that place." — Kanye West on Rihanna. [Concrete Loop]
• "I'm not that big a fan of marriage as an institution and I don't know why women need to have children to be seen as complete human beings" — Marisa Tomei to Manhattan. [Page Six]

Wanda was her usual witty self, cracking jokes and asking the newly-hitched Craig "are they trying to overturn your marriage?" as a way of transitioning into a brief discussion of same-sex marriage. Craig replies that "just to be safe, I got married in Vermont... I married someone from the other side," to which Wanda says: "Ohh, you went old school." Wanda, who got married in California, wonders why people don't focus on breaking up their own marriages rather than threatening hers. She points out that gay marriage could potentially solve our economic crisis by pouring much-needed dollars into the wedding industry: "especially with men, we're talking like millions of dollars in ice sculptures alone!" Clip above.

These, incidentally, are the top ten most trafficked posts of the year — not our favorites — and some of them, you'll notice are from last year. The winners in ascending order, and links to the original posts, directly below.


10. Animals and amore:
Adorable Dog Adopts Orphaned Baby Bunnies


9. Extreme breastfeeding:
At What Age Is A Kid Too Old To Breastfeed?


8. Bad fashion:
American Apparel Will Make You Look Like A Fat Hooker


7. Sex and the Shitty:
Extended Sex And The City Trailer: Carrie Gets Jilted! (LOL)


6. Online dating:
New Rule: When 'Dating' Online, Add 20 Years, 100 Lbs. To Your Partner's Profile


5. Reality television :
The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: We Think We Know Who Kim's "Big Papa" Is


4. Making Late-Night Comedy Out of Economic Tragedy:
Wanda Sykes Campaigns For Cabinet Position On Last Night's Leno


3. Ladymag Liars:
The Annotated Guide To Making Faith Hill 'Hot'


2. The election of Barack Obama:
Donna Brazile Is Not Going To The Back Of The Bus


1. Celebrity Photoshopping :
Here's Our Winner! 'Redbook' Shatters Our 'Faith' In Well, Not Publishing, But Maybe God

Butt seriously folks, Wanda thinks that the Obamas really know how to get down. "They're into each other, which is cool. It's gonna be some booty slappin' and ear pullin'. 'Cause he's got those big ears!" Clip above.

Granted, most people think I get a pass on this because I have been sexually assaulted. Of course, I spent a good part of the hours after my most recent assault alternating between hysterical crying and compulsive vomiting — and cracking jokes. I got tired really quickly of the quiet whispers and the looks of pity and the hushed voices and the overall funerary air in the room. And then, because the cops and the detective and my friend were all too scared to laugh, I told jokes... jokes that descended deeper into "inappropriate" territory because, if I could mock it, if I could laugh at it — and if I could make them laugh at the absurdity of trying to take a written statement from a drunk, hysterical, projectile-vomiting witness who was singing "Red, Red Wine" under her breath (when she could breathe) — then it wasn't actually The Worst Thing In The World.

You're supposed to laugh at that, although no one does — but if I had been mugged, or had my identity stolen or witnessed a crime, it is funny to picture that Exorcist kid spewing vomit everywhere to a reggae beat while the cops look on in horror and try to protect their paperwork. Why is my vagina some sacred crime scene? But, having told this story to Anna and her husband recently — and having upset Anna's husband, who was too horrified by what happened to me to see that there was humor or absurdity in the situation — I know that it is.

Anyway, the first relatively mainstream rape joke comes, of course, from Sarah Silverman's performance in The Aristocrats.
It's an arc of a performance, that starts with her telling a sweet but sick story of performing in an incestuous sex show and culminates in the heart-stopping, clear-eyed revelation that "Joe Franklin raped me." Except, of course, she's proudly trodding on the landmine of comedy — and, honestly, it's so disturbing, it's funny.


Jessica Valenti's recent piece in The Guardian about female comedians praised Wanda Sykes' now-infamous rape joke from her 2006 comedy special about detachable vaginas.

Valenti says:

Sykes brings a biting comedy to the most controversial topics, throwing new light on issues that are all too easily written off as age-old and intractable: rape, for example.

And she does, but let's break down what she's joking about: she's joking about stranger rape, and she's making light of Kobe Bryant's victim, who was raped after she went up to his hotel room at the ungodly hour of 2 in the morning. In fact, you could argue — and I am — that Wanda Sykes is poking fun of that victim for being, you know, stupid enough to get raped. Is it only funny when Wanda Sykes does it? Many of you would say yes (and, in fact have said that it's never funny to say something like that). Do you still think so?

In fact, Jessica Valenti herself recently wrote, in response to a rape joke shown on The Office "there's never really a funny rape joke, is there?" Well, here's the rape joke she — and many of you, judging by our e-mails — didn't like:
To recap, Kelly claims to have been raped when she is confronted with some office malfeasance — as in, she's only saying it to get out of trouble— and it's not the first time she's apparently done such a thing. Is it laugh-out-loud funny? Nah. But is it poking fun of her character and using that kind of hyperbole to mock people who try to use personal crises ("My grandmother died") to get out of responsibility? Sure. Is it, say, less offensive than implying a rape victim was less than smart to head up to Kobe Bryant's room late at night? Technically, I think both are funny, but I have a sick sense of humor.

Which, of course, brings me to the most horrifying of horrifying rape jokes: The South Park episode about Indiana Jones. Although this only has the last two of the three rape scenes depicted in the show, it gives you enough of a sense of what it was about: Steven Spielberg and George Lucas are no longer metaphorically raping the Indy franchise, they're really doing it.

Offensive? Yes. Boundary-crossing? Certainly. Horrifying in its detail? Yes. Funny? Arguably so.

Which then, of course, brings it back to the question: when is it funny? And I think the answer is, for a lot of people, when you like or respect the person telling the joke. Which is fine, and it's how most jokes work, but you can't then argue that they're never funny, or they can't ever be funny. Lots of humor comes from the juxtaposition of our civilized collective state of being and the ways in which we betray the lie of that constantly — fart jokes, for instance, are funniest when you really, really should be proper. If we take sexual assault off the table of things we can laugh about or joke about, it's just another way of saying: this is a different crime than any other crime, and so we can and must treat its victims differently than any other crime.

And, you know, fuck that. I got treated differently than any other crime victim once because of the kind of crime that I was the victim of. If I had been mugged, would the cops have been calling my friends and asking them how much I'd been drinking that night? If I had been only robbed, would it have mattered to the cops whether I'd told the guys I was out with that night that I was dating someone? If I had been shot walking out of the bar, would it have been anyone's business if my friend thought that I was flirting or not? And if any of those crimes had been committed instead, would everyone be so horribly offended by me making jokes about it? It's all part of the way in which society wants to treat me differently because of how I was victimized. Let's treat sexual assaults like any other crime and tell some rape jokes. Cool?

Here's mine:

When my victim's advocate called me up the week after I was assaulted, she went over the rape kit results and what I could expect from the process, and asked me if I had any questions. I asked her if they could tell me the name of the man who had been arrested for assaulting me, and I heard her shuffle through papers. His name, she said, was "Hey-zeus" after which I started laughing.

An agnostic, I was raped by Jesus.

Sense And Humour [The Guardian]
The Office's Rape Joke [Feministing]

Related: Rape Case Against Bryant Dismissed [MSNBC]

Earlier: My Sexual Assault Is Not Your Political Issue

[Los Angeles, November 13. Image via x17]