In fact, regardless of the day, the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety reports that 54 percent of all pedestrians killed in car accidents at night had elevated blood alcohol levels. And, all it takes is one inattentive driver and one swerve-y pedestrian to do this.

My cautionary tale takes place the day before Christmas break began in my senior year in college. Upon discovering that — for the holidays, natch — my boyfriend had treated himself to a blowjob from someone else, I decided to get my entire day's caloric intake strictly from alcohol. By midnight, I had cycled through rum, White Zinfandel, tequila and made my way back to rum by the time I somberly told the older gentlemen hitting on me that all men were assholes. Then I threw up on them. The designated driver whose job is was to get me home (who wanted me the fuck out of her car) dropped me at the 7-11 that lay across 4 lanes of traffic from my apartment. I could barely squint enough to tell that each car was actually not equipped with 4 headlights each, and I could definitely not judge distance or speed. Horns were blown, tires screeched, and it turns out that at least one of those cars was closer than it appeared. That I didn't die 10 feet from my apartment door that night was a matter of sheer luck (thought it didn't feel that way the next morning) and a driver with quick reflexes. Those aren't things that you should count on, so tonight, get yourself the kind of friend who stays just sober enough to drag your drunken ass up again (pictured here) or loves you enough to make the U-turn.

Walking While Intoxicated [New York Times]

Earlier: Clark Gable's Granddaughter Kayley Doesn't Give A Damn

Turns out the study does make a distinction between "vaginal orgasm" and "clitoral orgasm." Vaginal orgasm is defined as orgasm resulting from "penile buffeting of the cervix" (hottest description of sex we've read all day) and not by clitoral stimulation. The study alleges that because more nerves and hormones are involved in cervix-buffeting action, vaginal orgasms are better for "sexual satiety and mental health." Women who can orgasm vaginally also apparently less likely to use "immature psychological defense mechanisms" like converting psychological problems into physical ailments.

So how did those sexologists determine whether a woman could achieve this sexual gold standard? "The basis for judgment was the global impression of the women's free, fluid, energetic, sensual manner of walking." Judging the sensuality of a woman's walk sounds like a job for scientists at Maxim University, but it is worth noting that the scientists were accurate over 80% of the time in judging whether a woman could have a vaginal orgasm.

What does this mean? It means that in a study population of sixteen Belgian university students, a particular sexual response may be associated with a particular walk. What the scientists have added to this somewhat interesting revelation are value judgments — a "free, fluid, energetic, sensual" walk, "immature defense mechanisms." They even say that their study may support the notion that "muscle blocks" are related to "impairment of sexual and character function." Basically the whole study hinges on the rather Freudian notion that some behaviors are more "mature" than others, and that if we don't walk sensually we might have a malfunctioning character.

But there's hope! The authors note that they misidentified two women as vaginally orgasmic who actually were not. They may have just been wrong, they admit, but "it might be that the women have the capacity for vaginal orgasm, but have not yet had sufficient experience or met a man of sufficient quality to induce vaginal orgasm." Yes, men, this study has something for you to feel bad about too. If your partner can't come, it's probably because your "quality" sucks. Better get to a quality therapist right away.

Earlier: Something In The Way She Moves: Does A Woman's Gait Predict Her Orgasmic Ability?