Because wack is stoopid, ridiculous and avoidable. Yet wack is persistent. I heard my friend's voice in my mind while paging through a recent Urban Outfitters catalog.

Does this make my ass look wack? Well, you've fallen prey to the Anti-Pants Agenda and you look like the lovechild of Lady Gaga and Eustace Tilley. So yes. Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Do you have a yeasty, medical need to air out your crotch like that? Do you work in a discothèque in Aladdin's palace? No? Then: Yes. Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? You were great in that one scene in A Passage To India, but stealing wardrobe from the set is a no-no. Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Are you an angel based on the hooker from Pretty Woman? Yes? Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Sorry, sweetie, all the sexyface in the world won't allow me to ignore the fact that you're wearing acid-wash looking jeans. You have a lovely figure. But… Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Let's see… Rebel without a cause from a little house on the prairie is saved by the bell? Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Toplessness is soooo Fall 2008. Therefore you are out of style; therefore your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? El. Oh. El.

Earlier: What Clothes? Urban Outfitters Presents Naked & Half-Naked Chicks
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes
5 Hideous Things Urban Outfitters Wants You To Wear This Summer
May Anthropologie Catalog: Totally Watered Down

Fake rap, according to Gabe, "is like children's music designed specifically to raise an army of sociopathic misanthropes." Though fake country songs and fake pop songs are all over the place, trying to sell us baubles and bangles or teach our kids how to read on Sesame Street, as Gabe notes, "somehow the fake raps are the most insufferable." He points out Ed McMahon's Free Credit Report ads as a primary example.

Let's take a look at Gabe's most recent fake rap selection, shall we? It is absolutely terrible, as far as a rap song goes, but you can tell that the cops were trying their best to reach out to kids, trying to get them to avoid gangs, and you can't really fault them for that, unless you consider that the majority of the kids watching this in 1992 (when I was in 5th/6th grade, so I was probably the target audience at the time) were probably sitting there with their hands over their eyes, horrified:

Sometimes, "fake rap" comes to us in commercial form. Take, for instance, this guy, whose song haunted my brain for about 3 weeks a few years ago, when all I could do was sing, "Flea Market! Montgomery! It's just like, it's just like a Mini Mall! Hey hey!"

Yet most Jezebel readers know that the absolute worst (and also, in a way, best) fake rap of all time comes to us from the 1989 film Teen Witch, wherein a young woman seemingly gains her confidence by telling some jackass that no, thank you, she doesn't really give a- about tryin' to Top That:

If you're as concerned about putting an end to fake rap as Gabe is, please feel free to sign his End Fake Rap Petition, to help stop the madness once and for all. Unless, of course, you're into fake rap, and if that's the case, let us know why. Also: feel free to post any cringeworthy fake raps you know in the comments below.

Tracing The History Of Fake Rap: The El Paso Police Department[Videogum]

[Los Angeles, January 27. Image via FilmMagic.]