It turns out we did get two valentines after all.

One from our sister.

And one from our niece.

If you think that's sad, head on over to fark.com, where they're swapping embarrassing valentines tales.

Our favorite after the jump.

Top this, if you can.

"My senior year in NJ, she was a stunning sophomore 6' tall, blonde hair Florida chic. 4 days before before Valentines Day I went out with a friend to buy weed, alcohol, and tickets to a concert for the double date weekend.

Got great thai stick. Real thai stick. Only problem there were plastic strings used to bundle it. Like the fake green "grass" in easter baskets. Testing the thai 3 day before V-day, and ended up smoking a piece of plastic. Wound up with 5 days of intense nose bleeds, had to get a blood transfusion, then had to have a 4 day hospital stay as doctors took cautering irons to the back of my throat and nasal passage to brand shut the gaping holes in my throat.
They then packed my nose with medical guass, and pumped me full of drugs.

Was nearly unconscious for 3 days, only thing i remember is stepping in a dying old man's diarrhea while trying to get to a bathroom, and a beautful polish nurse who shot me in the arse with drugs came by and just hugged me at one point.

Dying old man's liquid poo. That's totally poignant, somehow.

Apparently there were a lot of disappointed ladies in Britain yesterday, after claims that Viagra was going to be sold over the counter at drugstores proved a wee bit, well, premature, shall we say.

When the temporarily impaired lusty lads turned up to grab their little blue helper, it turned out that a spoilsport pharmacist insisted on booking them in for a consultation first. On Monday!

"Warehouseman Jim Dante, 49, said: 'I've had a problem for a year now. Despite reports about it starting off on Valentine's Day I can't get any until Monday. I'd booked the day off. Now I must get an appointment.'

Pharmacist James Longden, 28, said: 'We absolutely won't be handing it to people who want to give their girlfriend a good time on Valentine's Day. There is a protocol that involves taking the medical history.'"

In his spare time, Mr Longden enjoys drowning kittens and pulling the wings off butterflies.

[Lighten up, Longden!]

If you're one of those smug repellant bitches who actually has a boyfriend and will be going out tonight instead of staying in and getting very drunk and crying and texting your ex and then wishing you hadn't, then here's a top date suggestion if you're anywhere near Tampa, Fla, Animal Sex Tours.

And no, that doesn't mean you get to go on a little choo-choo train and copulate like rabbits, it means you wander round the zoo looking at corkscrew-shaped pigs' cocks, according to TBO.com

"Credit for the concept goes to Jane Tollini, a former penguin keeper at the San Francisco Zoo. Tollini conceived the idea two decades ago while watching her penguins' courtship ritual, which culminates in what she describes as "bowling pins making love."

"The keepers get there early and we see things that other people don't see," Tollini said. "And I went, 'My God, that's fascinating.' You know the old Peter Sellers line, 'I like to watch?' You kind of go, 'Oh my, my, my. How big? How many? How far?' It was unbelievable."

And we hear you get a free cigarette afterwards.

[animal passions]

The $24 'comfort pouch'. For that man in your life. You know, the one with the triangular penis.

[get 'em while they're hot!]

Because we are small-minded and bitter and single, we are feeling some warmth for hardline Hindu extremists in India, this morning. Why?

Find out, after the jump......

Because they want to ban Valentines Day, that's why.

"One Hindu group, the Shiv Sena, said its volunteers would photograph couples caught in "compromising positions". Overt signs of affection, such as kissing and holding hands, are frowned upon in much of traditional Indian society.

Shiv Sena has warned that its activists will stake out public parks, cinemas and shopping malls in a number of cities, and photographs of couples courting will be handed over to their parents.

Mahaveer Parikh, a spokesman for another hardline group, Bajrang Dal, told the BBC from Jaipur: "We will protest with all our might. We will do anything it takes to stop young couples in a behaviour that is against Indian culture.

"Even exchanging cards at a young age is against Indian culture because it pollutes young minds."

You go boys! If we can't be happy and get red roses and heart-shaped balloons, and publicly parade our hot boyfriends in front of all those singleton losers, then no-one can.

[We're so moving to India]

And no, we didn't get any either.

For everyone who is confident of waking up tomorrow with a letterbox full of pink envelopes, and especially for those smugpants glossy-haired stepford girls who actually get flowers sent to the office, well, screw you.

For everyone else, here's the plan. Put on some pants, go bald and shun commitment. Perfect. You can now pretend you're your own ex-boyfriend.

Head over to L'Adore Boutique, and spend, spend spend in a Valentine frenzy. Not only do they have an adorable selection of goodies from everyone from Betsey Johnson to Ella Moss (we'll pass swiftly over the Jessica Simpson line), but you can get 10% off orders over $100 (and let's face it, we need BIGTIME retail therapy on Feb 14) with the promo code 'LOVE07'.

Just remember to smile bitterly as you type it in. And make them gift-wrap it for you. With a card, saying 'with all my love, Justin Timberlake'.

[It's cold. So cold.]

Here's one we did earlier.

Feel free to have a go and send us your efforts. We might give the best entrant a spare lipstick or something. Maybe.

"What do you get when you mix a cup of love, 1/2 cup of sweetness, 1/3 cup of hugs and 1/4 cup of spice? A measuring cup set that ensures every dish they whip up will come straight from the heart. A unique kitchen addition for foodies and those they love, this stackable set is engraved with heart-warming measurements and features a small heart cutout at the end of each handle."

If we had a boyfriend, which we don't and we never will because they are all pigs and we age another week of despair every five minutes, but if we did actually have a boyfriend and he gave us a cup of hugs for Valentines Day, we would probably use it to hold our vomit.

This, on the other hand, would go a long way towards convincing us not to dump our non-existent boyfriend, even if he is a little bit crap in bed.