Let's start with the actual trailer. It's filled with "sassy" moments and is backed by The Black Eyed Peas' "I Got A Feeling." Yes, really. I know. I know! Let's break this madness down, bit by bit, and sans Fergie, shall we?


We start with a shot of the city. You'll notice that there are a few shots of water fountains spurting into the sky. Very subtle imagery and such.


We are then introduced to the all-star cast, which is the selling point for this seemingly paint-by-numbers film. It's reminiscent of the trailer for He's Just Not That Into You, another star-studded romcom turd.


More stars!


In a very Love, Actually sort of way, the film revolves around the Valentine's Day adventures (or lack thereof) of several people. And the movie doesn't take Valentine's Day lightly—it looks as though there's more pink and red in the sets and wardrobe of this film than there is in Mariah Carey's Hello Kitty-themed bathroom.


Here, we see that Topher Grace totally forgot about Valentine's Day, much to his chagrin. This expression is actually the expression I had on my face during the entire time I was watching the trailer, by the way.


And here, we see that Jamie Foxx is not that into comforting a sobbing Jessica Biel.


In Irin's thread yesterday, a commenter mentioned that she was also tired of the "Sassy Grandma" cliche, wherein an older woman is brought in to "shock" the audience by talking about sex. Older women can't talk about sex! That's crazy! Everyone knows that sex talk is strictly reserved for college sophomores.


There's a marching band scene in the film, as well, which seems specifically set up just to include a cameo by...


Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner. Hey! Young people! This is a film for you, too! And you, too, 45-year-old women with crushes on a 17-year-old werewolf! Come on down!


Alas, millions of Team Jacob-related Valentine's dreams will also be shattered for several members of the audience when Taylor and Taylor make out on screen.


Innuendo fountain alert!


"Are you a mother? This film is also for you!"


"Hi, I'm Jessica Alba. I'll be playing the sweetheart who can't wait to get married. I'm biting my lip because that shows how cute and innocent I am."


"Hi, I'm Kathy Bates. I've been brought in to provide some kooky wisdom to the young people in love."


"My name is Jessica Biel, and I'm the emotional basketcase of the film! LOVE IS HARD, Y'ALL!"


"I'm pretty sure I'm going to realize that this woman I've known for 20 years is actually the love of my life."


"Love is for suckers. I just want to fuck somebody, man. I'll probably temporarily ruin a relationship or throw a wrench in some sucker's Valentine's Day plans."


"I'll be playing the smug douchebag who gets his comeuppance and learns a lesson about love."


"I'm older and very patient, because I've lived enough to really understand love. I plan on sharing my wisdom with the kids while gently shaking my head at their mistakes."


"I just really hope I get a chance to show that I'm a musician in this film."


"And I do! Dreams really do come true!"


"I've played this role at least twice already, but I'm super likable and nobody seems to care."


"I'm still not sure what the hell is going on here, but I think I'll figure it out by the time the movie ends. That's called 'emotional growth.'"


"I am wise in the ways of love, and I'm just waiting for my dumbass boyfriend, Topher Grace, to catch up."


"I usually sell cameras, but this time, I'm selling flowers!"


"I am a woman of color in a romantic comedy. By default, that makes me the sassy best friend."


"I am a teenager with a cell phone! I will be the source of many sexting jokes!"


"I'm Julia Roberts, and this is a romantic comedy. Even if things don't go my way, they'll still go my way."


"And don't forget about us! It's just a cameo, but we've been shown at least four times already in this trailer. Demographic appeal, ahoy!"


"This film will be followed by a very special episode of Cake Boss."


"Ain't love grand!? Double high-five that nobody ever gives in real life, girlfriends!"

So which cliches does the movie hit upon? I'd say everything from My Best Friend's Wedding (Stretched Over Another Decade) to Male Lead, Stammering Charm, with a dose of Sassy Grandma, Precocious Kids, Wisdom From The Elders, and Gratuitous Dance Scene thrown in for good measure. Welcome to the next decade of romantic comedies: the more things change, the more things stay the same.

Earlier: Most Overused Romantic Comedy Cliches Of The Decade

[Los Angeles, December 3. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[Los Angeles, July 30. Image via INFDaily.]

As you'll recall, He's Just Not That Into You — aggressively marketed toward women and released right around the advertising-driven fauxliday known as Valentine's Day — made upwards of $94 million. So the executives at New Line decided to milk the conceit — chicks love love, after all — and greenlight another film devised to separate women from their money by slapping some big-name celebs (Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper and Shirley MacLaine) on a story that supposedly tugs at the heart.

On March 11, before I'd read the script for Valentine's Day, I wrote:

I can already guess that one woman, who you think will stay single, will suddenly find a date; one woman, who you think will have a date, will suddenly be single; and one couple will remain together despite going through a dilemma that should tear them apart.

I was right!

Truthfully, VD is not terrible. But: It's not sweepingly epic enough to be truly romantic, and there aren't tons of jokes, so, much like He's Just Not That Into You, it's technically not a romcom. They are similar in that the movie consists of supershort scenes from each of the ensemble cast's day; a device successful in Love, Actually but more shallow and less charming here. The script is written by Katherine Fugate, whose TV credits include Army Wives, and Xena: Warrior Princess.

The entire movie takes place in one day, and follows different people — a teenage girl intent on losing her virginity; a 30something guy who's just proposed; 20-something coworkers who've just hooked up; a still-blissfully-in-love couple in their 70s, among others — and shows what happens to them on the magical day known as Valentine's Day.

Explains one character — the guy who's just gotten engaged: "Today I can be the kind of cheeseball who tells random people at the ATM about it because it's Valentine's Day and people are all about love today." (This statement is uttered while driving in a van, and immediately after, a "road rager" yells, "Will you use your freakin turn signal you freaking pansy?" Hence: "Comedy.")

Other problems: There's a kid whose character seems so similar to the little boy in Love, Actually, that it was distracting. The guy who's just gotten engaged works at a flower shop, where all of the employees underneath him seem to be extremely stereotypical Latino clichés. One character, a reporter, goes around interviewing people about Valentine's Day, and encounters an 18-year-old girl identified in the script only as a "petite round CHOLA." She, naturally, has liquid liner and utters these words:

CHOLA:
I was hot like jalapena, sexing him
up whenever he wanted. I would
have done anything for that vato,
but still he whored around.

When I read these words, I cringed. Are there Mexican-American girls in L.A. who talk like this? Maybe. But does Hollywood have to perpetuate this cliché on screen?

It was also pretty depressing to read the successful, single woman in the script say:

I haven't had a date on Valentine's
day in almost 10 years. I mean -
it's mostly by choice. I put all
my energy into this job, into
taking care of my clients - and I
know I don't put myself out there
at all - but still - 10 years.
Isn't that pathetic?

The thing that I hate most about
this day - honestly - is that I'm
embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that
it makes me feel as bad about being
alone as it does.

I mean, the character has a point, and these feelings are valid — but isn't naming your script Valentine's Day and releasing it in time for Valentine's Day — and making it a "romcom" in which everybody has happy endings just compounding the issue? What if Valentine's Day were about a band of single women who tried to take down the commercial holiday through renegade street art and guerilla acts of crafty drugstore terrorism? Hmm?

To its credit, VD has (gasp!) a black character in it. Not just a black person, a BLACK MAN. And unlike HJNTIY, there's a nice range of ages, proving that life after 30 exists. In addition, whichever comic moments seem a little flat on the page may be energized with some great direction and acting.

That said, the script was incredibly predictable — considering I called most of the plot "twists" before I'd even read it. True, this is a draft. Things change. But even more frustrating is the notion that because I'm a woman, this is what I want for Valentine's Day.

Earlier: Valentine's Day: What He's Just Not That Into You Hath Wrought

• New day, same rumor: The "doc" is a diva. So. Did Katherine Heigl get dropped from the cast of cringe-inducing flick Valentine's Day because she wanted too much cash? Her rep says:

"The story is ludicrous." And: "Katherine walked away from this project for multiple reasons." Hmm. Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Shirley MacLaine and Bradley Cooper are still in. [Page Six]

• Celebrities are speaking out about the gay marriage ban in California: Melissa Etheridge says: "So, will anyone be sleeping better tonight? Those full of hate and fear will surely be disappointed that 18,000 same sex couples will be living in wedded bliss, kissing their spouses goodnight, checking off those little 'married' boxes on all those forms we fill out nowadays. That's really going to drive them crazy." Lance Bass says: "The decision to uphold Prop 8 is deeply disappointing. I can only hope to one day live in a country that grants equal rights, opportunity, and freedom to all citizens." [Radar Online]
• George Clooney says of the ruling on Prop 8: "This just should invigorate people to get it back on the ballot in 2010 and 2012 and every two years until all people are allowed a basic civil right." [E!]
• Twitterholics Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are threatening to quit Tweeting if Twitter goes forward with its plans to launch a TV show. [NY Mag]
• More Demi Moore: She will make the trip to the UK to watch Susan Boyle in the Britain's Got Talent finale. Simon Cowell offered her (and hubs Ashton) first-class plane tickets. [The Sun]
• This video clip may or may not be footage from the new Amy Winehouse documentary Saving Amy. One thing is for sure: It's boring. If you want to see Amy's dad talk about the villa in St. Lucia for 10 seconds and then see Amy say something unintelligible for about 2 seconds, then go ahead and click. [ONTD]
• News you cannot use: Someone somewhere says of Jesus Luz: "Leave it to Madonna to find the only Jew who's a hot Latino with an uncut penis." Brazilians aren't Latino, though, right? [Village Voice]
• Speaking of Madonna: Artist Peter Howson has created an oil painting of her Madgesty in the nude with her ex, Guy Ritchie, touching her thigh. Honestly? It doesn't exactly look like her. But it's up for auction this week, if you have £22, 000. [Mirror]
• Oh! Jesus Luz speaks! He and Madonna bought jewelry together, but it's not because they're getting married: "I received these pieces of jewellery because they are inspired by Kabbalah," he says. "If I want to present them to somebody, it could be my mother or a friend of mine. I don't have any marriage plans or any wedding present." [Mirror]
• Hugh Jackman's nine-year-old son uttered the following: "Hey dad, 2 o'clock, hot chicks." And, apparently, the kid, Oscar, went up to the girls and said: "Hey, you know that my dad's Wolverine?" [Mirror]
• Michael Lohan was arrested last month when he threatened to kill his fiancée and himself when she tried to dump him. Not good. [Page Six]
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are moving to a bigger house in preparation for the twins. [Daily Mail]
• It's not a Mariah Carey gossip item without hairdresser drama and diamonds! [Page Six]
• Robert Pattinson may or may not have hooked up with a blonde chick when he was in the South of France for the Cannes Film Festival. Star spoke to the lady in question, who says: "We had a great time together! Rob's very sweet." Scintillating. [Star]
• If you see a "parade of rats," follow them! You might find Gisele Bundchen, Michael Cera, Rupert Everett and NBC news anchor Lester Holt, who are all experiencing a serious rat problem on their street in the West Village in NYC. [Page Six]
• Russell Brand, who hosted the MTV Awards last year, has advice for Andy Samberg, who's hosting the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday: "Do not jokingly criticise the Jonas Brothers — you will receive less-threatening death threats. There's nothing worse than opening a letter and then seeing in it a death threat. You think, 'Hold on a minute. I wasn't looking forward to the letter particularly. Now I fear death. Ruins a perfectly good read.'" [Mirror]
• Hey, Page Six: This item is called "Kelis & Nas Celebrate Their Baby," yet they're in the middle of a bitter divorce! [Page Six]
• Kevin Kreider, brother of Kate of Jon & Kate Plus 8, says the kids are being exploited and viewed as commodities. Sigh. [CBS News]
• Kirsten Dunst is selling her L.A. home on Nichols Canyon Road; it's got 3 bedrooms and 2 baths, exposed beams in the living room and cute outdoor spaces. Kiki is accepting offers starting at $1,700,000. Go! [Real Estalker]
• Kim Kardashian is not engaged. She doesn't know when she will get engaged. And yet. She is picking out rings. "It's just easier," she explains. "Isn't it easy if someone's like, 'This is exactly what I want.' It'll make your life so easy." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Breaking news from Lady GaGa: "I like boys that look like girls." [Fox News]
• Gavin Rossdale is on the road touring to support his new album, and little Kingston is with him! "Sometimes we'll go to museums of modern art so he can see a big splash of color on the walls… I found a way to kill some time in New York by asking him to look out the window and tell me every time he saw a yellow taxi," says Gavin. "He was so into it. We had a really good time." [People]
• Kelly Osbourne's fiancé saved her dog's life! Little Goldie was bitten by a rattlesnke and Luke rushed the pup to the vet. Kelly Twittered: "Thanks to Luke we got her there just in time. Luke was amazing, if he was not there I don't know what would have happened!" [The Sun]
• "Lifetime Movie Network Tuesday announced plans to air two fashion-themed murder mysteries this summer." LOL. Maggie Lawson stars as Lacey Smithsonian, a Washington, D.C., fashion reporter whose beat turns deadly. LOL! Mark Consuelos, Mario Cantone, Finola Hughes, Mary McDonnell and Victor Webster will be cast in the flicks, titled Killer Hair and Hostile Makeover. LOL. [UPI]
• Jodie Sweetin — aka Stephanie Tanner — has penned a book, UnSweetined, which details her past as a meth, coke, ecstasy and booze abuser who finally straightened out after she discovered she was pregnant. [Page Six]
• James Gandolfini, Will Ferrell, Nicole Kidman, Anne Hathaway and Kevin Spacey will be presenting at the Tony awards. Fingers crossed that they'll all do a musical number together! [Variety]
• James Brown died Christmas 2006, but legal battles over his estate have lived on. Yesterday a judge ruled that half of his assets will go to his charitable trust; a quarter to his wife and young son, and the rest to Brown's adult children. [USA Today]
• Ed McMahon's lawsuit — regarding slipping on a ramp-like staircase at a mansion and hurting his neck — has been settled. [TMZ]
• The promoter who sold tickets to see a fake Toni Braxton sing says that the Braxton impersonator was unaware of his scheme; she thought that everyone knew that she was an impersonator, and didn't find out until later that people purchased tickets expecting to see the real Toni Braxton. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Starting today, fans who visit Graceland get to go in the stables. [USA Today]
• Blind item! "Which beauty now going through a divorce told a pal over lunch four years ago, 'I've had several abortions. If my husband ever found out, he'd throw me out of the house?' Looks like he found out." [Page Six]
• "It's all about history. What we as mothers are doing is creating history with our kids that we can look back on. When they're adults I want my kids to say 'Mom worked so hard, but she was always there for us.'" — Britney Spears, who says she was encouraged by Madonna to take her kids on tour. [The Sun]
• "Playing a bad guy is always a freeing experience - because you don't have the same envelope of restrictions that you have playing a good guy." — John Travolta, who plays a bad guy in The Taking Of Pelham 123. [Mirror]
• "You want people to talk about you, because once they stop talking about you that's when you're really in trouble! I'm happy to have people talk about all the craziness they want to talk about, whether it's things like every year we're getting divorced or we're an open family or Will's gay, or I'm gay." — Jada Pinkett Smith, who graces the new cover of Ebony. [Just Jared]
• "I was on my way to a festival [in Chicago], I was on the street and he (a police officer) stopped me. He said 'put your ass up against the fence,' there were kids around so I guess he wanted me to cover up my butt — quite a bit was showing. But it was quite an epic moment for me, I was up against the fence going ‘it's fashion, I'm an artist!' I signed his ridiculous piece of paper and left. I was being wildly disrespectful to him, he looked like some park ranger on a bike." — Lady GaGa. [Fox News]
• "I had a gentleman turn up on my doorstep all the way from Peru. He said he'd seen my clip on YouTube and had to come congratulate me. That was pretty weird." —Susan Boyle. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "I met Randy Jackson, and he asked me to sing on American Idol. I was like, 'Um, I'll stick to dancing.'" —Shawn Johnson. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "I've always approached this from the place where I don't compete with other girls. I don't compete with other people in the industry, I compete with myself. If I looked at every other girl in the entertainment industry as competition, my life would be really lonely. I wouldn't have some of the coolest friends that I'm so glad I've gotten to know over the last couple of years. ... It's really awesome to get to hang out with those girls [Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez] and to call them friends." — Taylor Swift. [Yahoo News via AP]
• "I'm home from the hospital and feeling great. Thanks for all the love and support!" — Elizabeth Taylor, via Twitter. [Reuters, Liz Taylor's Twitter]
• "I couldn't marry John Mayer, it'd be so intense. I'd definitely shag the shit out of him though. I'll go on record saying that." — Katy Perry. [The Sun via Complex]

The executives at New Line Cinema can't wait to take more hard-earned cash from women who don't care about storyline and just want to see something about dating and love — again!

That's why there is a project in the works called Valentine's Day. It will hit theaters right before — wait for it — Valentine's Day, 2010. The plot? The plot is iffy. Something about "would-be romantics working their way through a tangle of circumstances in L.A." But that doesn't matter, because Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Shirley MacLaine will be in it. And Bradley Cooper. New Line will come up with a way to work a story around these people, since all that matters is that there's money to be made. Apparently, He's Just Not That Into You proved that women want to go see "romantic" movies — with other women or a date — right around Valentine's Day.

I have nothing against romance, comedies, or romcoms. I love stuff like When Harry Met Sally, Flirting, and Amelie — thoughtful films with strong writing and characters who are forces of nature. But He's Just Not That Into You — a movie based on a self-help book based on a catchphrase from a TV show — lacked substance and soul; the characters might have well have been cardboard cut-outs with labels like "The Optimist" or "The Seductress" taped to them. And for every bad review, there was a person who said, "I'm gonna see it anyway." Now the studio has 94 million reasons to pull that shit again.

As I wrote earlier this year, when you go see a movie like He's Just Not That Into You, you're casting a vote, telling Hollywood you want more flicks in the same vein. And this is what HJNTIY's box office bonanza hath wrought: Valentine's Day. As a former screenwriting major, it is painful to read that this project is being dictated by a calendar date — along with a cast and director (Garry Marshall) — and not by an actual story someone was inspired to write.

Who knows? Maybe there will be some surprises! Maybe they'll change the title to Single Awareness Day. Maybe some great writer (writers, plural, probably) will be hired by the studio to come up with a perfectly charming Valentine's Day tale. (I can already guess that one woman, who you think will stay single, will suddenly find a date; one woman, who you think will have a date, will suddenly be single; and one couple will remain together despite going through a dilemma that should tear them apart.) But for now, I'm already announcing that I'm just not that into it.

Hollywood Has Feb. 14 Circled in Red [NY Times]

Earlier: Liveblogging He's Just Not That Into You
Cliché-Laden Chick Flick Tries To Convince You It's Not Full Of Clichés
He's Just Not That Into You: Gay Minstrel Show?
More Reasons Not To Get Into He's Just Not That Into You
He's Just Not That Into You - First Review
There's No Way You'll Be Into He's Just Not That Into You

So whether you're getting ready for romantic plans, a night out with fellow singles, or a night of anti-Valentine's fare, feel free to talk about it here. As always, let's keep things light, people. Here are a few Valentine's Day songs to get you started:


Whether you're in love:



Over love:



Or if you're just a believer that love, in fact, is all you need:

Thank you for reading and commenting today, have a safe and happy night, and I'll see you in the morning.

[Image via Natalie Dee.]

Before the comments of "every day is Guy Day you idiot" begin, let's take a look at Cohen's charming views on the gift giving system in America. "The truth is — hold on, Gloria Steinem — there are more guy-giving than guy-receiving days in the year," Cohen says. Well ain't that a shame? Perhaps if we were paid equally, we could give equally. I'm just sayin.

Cohen argues that women get all the good stuff when it comes to holiday celebrations, trying to paint both Valentine's Day and Mother's Day as high-pressure situations that require a great deal of planning and stress. Dude, come on. You buy a card and you make brunch reservations. Or, if you're my father, you ask your three daughters to do these things for you.

Cohen goes on to celebrate every stereotype in the book, bitching about wedding showers: "Then there is the wedding shower, another occasion for a deluge of presents for everyone but the male. Ever hear of a "groom" shower? A guy getting a new bowling ball or drill press? A shower for us is a can of Mountain Dew that has been shaken too long," and claiming that men have to pay their dues by sitting through "Mamma Mia" and "Sex in the City." He acknowledges Father's Day, but complains that it seems thrown together in comparison to Mother's Day. To sum things up: every holiday for women is overdone, and every holiday for men is inadequate and in need of more gifts. Please cue the sad trombone.

"This is why," Cohen argues, "America needs a new holiday – a Guy Day. A day when guys can look forward to thick steaks and a thin list of things to do. A day when women worry about getting the "right" present and making reservations at the "right" bistro. A day, above all, without hearing one song by ABBA." Because women NEVER worry about the "right" things to do to keep men happy! Oh no! The fashion/beauty/diet industry has nothing to do with that!

Cohen's argument is based completely on cliches and stereotypes: women are needy, greedy and whiny, and men only want to eat steak and watch football. There's no compromise between the two groups, and in Cohen's view, the relationships only exist so that one person can "get" something from the other: it's a very shallow view of life and love and if Cohen really wants someone to celebrate his existence, he should probably stop acting like everyone else's presence on earth is such a bloody drag.

Perhaps Cohen isn't aware that women, too, hate Valentine's Day, that women, too, feel the pressures of stupid holidays and picking the "right" present and setting up the "right" reservations, etc. And to state that a "Guy Day" ideal would be steak and silence only reiterates that Cohen is missing the bigger point.

However, if he ever wants to celebrate STFU Day, created by our editor, Megan, he is more than welcome to attend.

Time For A Guy's Valentine's Day [ABCNews]

[Yokohama, Japan, February 14. Image via Getty.]

YOKOHAMA, JAPAN - FEBRUARY 14: A bottlenose dolphin swims near a heart-shaped ice block at Yokohama Hakkeijima Sea Paradise on February 14, 2009 in Yokohama, Kanagawa, Japan. On Valentine's Day in Japan, women customarily and traditionally give men gifts of chocolate to express their feelings. (Photo by Kiyoshi Ota/Getty Images)

The video, which looks like it was filmed on a home video camera from 1984, teaches us all about the "art" of seduction, which includes leaving your underwear on the stairs, running a bath filled with Berry Blue Kool-Aid, and "taking a Jacuzzi" with a guy wearing a shirt from the Douchebag Couture collection, who thinks you're "a great person!"

The video is beyond ridiculous and hilarious; from what I know, it's real, but even if it's a fake, it's a pretty great way of capturing the ultimate in cheesy seduction cliches. But as soon as the narrator says, "Seduction doesn't always have to happen in the bedroom. It can happen anywhere. Your car! The woods!" My brain snapped from OMG hilarious mode to WTF creepy mode. Because nothing says, "Run for it, lady" than a guy who offers to seduce you in the woods, no?

And as Broadsheet points out, the video also gives a half-ass nod to feminism, noting that just after the narrator drones on and on about how men are now comfortable with a woman taking control of her sexuality, the clip shows a woman "doing the kind of dance you just know will lead to a striptease. So there you have it, men. Feminism: It may just get you a striptease! Happy Valentine's Day!"

The video is all sorts of wrong, but too stupid not to share:



So happy Valentine's day, indeed. May none of these things happen to you today. Especially the blue bathtub and the creepy loofah encounter. Yikes.

The Video Guide To Successful Seduction [Broadsheet]

Among these piles of oversized sweaters, faded t-shirts, and sneakers that could seriously walk by themselves was a special little bin of old lingerie; bras and nighties and a few "sexy" gems that made me die of both laughter and embarrassment as soon as I found them. Like a bad haircut from middle school, a bad piece of lingerie is a reminder that once upon a time, you were seriously the lamest person alive. When I reference my old lingerie in this piece, note that I'm not talking about a cute bra or a really sexy, classy piece—I totally believe that a good piece of lingerie can make you feel both confident and sexy. But here, I'm talking about ghosts of sexytimes past- of rhinestones and feathers and Rock of Love bus-esque tackiness.

I should preface this by stating that grew up a bit of a wallflower: I had two boyfriends in high school, and got most of my "sexy" advice from my fellow wallflower friends who had caught a scene on Dawson's Creek or read an article in Cosmo. We were a bunch of nerds who just wanted to make out and impress our equally nerdy boyfriends in doing so. What we believed was "sexy", at 16, was what the world told us was "sexy." In 1997, this meant long blonde hair, fake tans, belly shirts, and big boobs. Aside from belly shirts, which are due for a comeback any second now, not much has changed.

However, for a kid with short hair, non-existent boobs, and skin that puts Edward Cullen to shame, the concept of traditional "sexiness" was far from reach. So I turned to ladymags, hoping to find some magical formula for hotness, as if some crazy move/outfit/sexy phrase would drive my 16-year-old comic-book reading, acne-medication smelling, Billy Corgan worshipping boyfriend crazier than me just saying, "Ok, let's skip class and make out somewhere, you can stick your hands down my pants or whatever, because I looooove you."

College, of course, is the time when many of us start to differentiate between "sexy" and "skanky", though admittedly it takes a while to realize that perhaps wearing tight ass black pants and puking all over the B line isn't the epitome of hotness. I was still pretty shy in school, but when I had my first "serious" boyfriend, I went out and bought the most ridiculous things I could find at Victoria's Secret, for days like Valentine's Day and anniversaries, because I thought that's what women were supposed to do, that's what men expected, etc. I was buying into a marketed notion of sexiness: a "sexy" outfit didn't boost my confidence, it just made me feel stupid and cliche. My boyfriend, of course, loved it.

But here's the thing: my boyfriend was a wallflower, too. A 19 year old who had gotten his view of "sexy" from Maxim the same way I'd gotten it from Cosmo. I think we both expected to turn into Cirque du Soleil members or Porn Star black belts the first time we seriously made out, thanks to the misinformation in our heads. It took us a while to figure out how just to be ourselves, that sexiness wasn't about a stupid outfit or a set of lines or whatever the cliche of the moment happens to be. Sexiness, for us, came from confidence, from knowing who we were and what we wanted.

Over the years I've learned to avoid the "advice" thrown at me as a teenager and embrace the things that make me feel good about myself. Sexy lingerie is all well and good, and I still rock it when I feel the need, but gone are the days of feeling like what's covering my body is more important than my body itself. And of course, old, tacky lingerie is always good for a laugh, and a reminder that as we stumble along toward confidence, we all wear several (stupid) costumes until we finally find that we're truly comfortable in our own skin.

[Image via VH1]

[Image via AP.]

Roxy the penguin, a rockhopper penguin at London's zoo, walks past a special post box and cards inside her enclosure, during a photo call, in London, Thursday, Feb. 12, 2009. According to the zoo, Roxy is the most adopted animal at the zoo, has her own page on a social networking site with more than 400 friends and she is expected to receive lots of letters and cards for Valentine's Day. (AP Photo/Lefteris Pitarakis)

To paraphrase Tolstoy, all unhappy people are unhappy in different ways, be it a holiday, a death, a breakup or a bad case of the clinicals. In other words, it's hard to generalize. I came down with a case of clinical doldrums, clearly descended from the logubrious matrilineal willow, when I was 20, and in the years since have learned the things that can unfailingly perk me up - or at least, keep me grounded. Sure, meds aren't incidental to my peace of mind, but managing everyday sadnesses is at least as important, to me as to most others. Valentine's Day has never been my trigger, so to speak - I'm too fascinated by the holiday's people-watching, and my mom is very good about sending me my only Valentine, anyway - but I can see how it could be, since the annual Bastille Day celebration in my neighborhood sends me into a deep funk. We all have something, as my grandmother might have said. So, I have an arsenal, at the ready, of the arbitrary, personal things that for one reason or another remind me of my happiest self.

What my mom calls "comfort reads" are central to a cheer-up, not least because a sad person often finds herself in bed. With this in mind, there are a few books I always keep handy. These vary for every person; my mother swears by the escapism of Georgette Heyer's The Grand Sophy. My grandfather read physics texts. For my part, I tend to want non-fiction in my bluest periods. Laurie Colwin's Home Cooking has a permanent spot on my bedside table: although I can recite the essays by heart, reading the familiar, funny, words about food and life is tremendously comforting. "Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant" is a special panacea. Under the Colwin is a little paperback called Castles in the Air, which I ordered on a whim from a British catalogue when I worked in publishing and didn't pick up until a few years later. It's the memoir of young couple restoring a crumbling Welsh castle on a shoestring, and something about the everyday challenges of their gentle crusade is affirming in a low moment. Misery loving company, I've been returning to the letters of Elizabeth Bishop and Robert Lowell a lot...they both suffered from depression, and it's good to not feel alone in these moments, and to see things said so much better than you ever could. You never know what will bring solace: recently a friend sent me a YA series called Poseur by Rachel Maude. She knew I'd like that the characters' wardrobes are illustrated and exhaustively described at the beginning of each scene, since this was always a hilight of the few Babysitter's Club novels I snuck behind my mom's back. Well, these books proved to be exactly what I needed in a low moment: their manageable dramas, excellent clothes, and sweetly funny prose soothed and invigorated me in a way I couldn't have expected. As you see, the sad soul requires a very different soup from the everyday one.

In terms of multimedia, well, there are a few movies in heavy rotation during my low points. Chief amongst these is Seven Brides for Seven Brothers - namely, the barn-raising dance, which I have been known to watch on a loop. Working Girl is, of course, endlessly uplifting and entertaining. In the right kind of mood, the Werner Herzog documentary The White Diamond can engage me with the world; other times, it must be avoided at all costs. Here's another peculiarity: while normally I avoid procedurals, a box set of Law & Order: Criminal Intent has proven a reliable godsend in moments of near-despair.

I can't listen to a lot of music when I am low, but there are a couple of exceptions: "Grazing in the Grass" by Hugh Masekela, select Bert Jansch, Morrissey's "Suedehead" and Joe Dassin's "Champs Elysees" are a few of the carefully-selected tracks that, for whatever obscure reason, fall under the playlist heading "Emergency" on my computer.

That these measures are personal goes without saying: they are a few things that, with trial and error, have managed to help me fight off something which needs to be kept carefully at bay through careful strategizing. I became consciously aware of this stuff when my problems took a medical turn, but it's useful to face even the most quotidian of doldrums and challenges with a tried and true arsenal of what works for you. It's not always the most impressive or intellectually stimulating; it is just what, for one reason or another, says "comfort" to you and reminds you a little of your innate joy in living.

• It seems that safe sex is recession-proof! Condom sales have been increasing as the economy worsens and people look for cheaper ways to entertain themselves. • High school students in Illinois published a "Hooking Up" edition of their award-winning school paper. Administrators claim that they did not have to confiscate any copies of the paper, since they were so quickly snatched up by students and teachers. • Meet Chloe, the only cat who loves to shower. The aquatic Persian will jump in the shower at any chance she gets. • Photographer Jenny Wicks is fighting gingerism with her art. She has snapped pictures of people from all over Britain in efforts to capture the unique beauty of redheads... and she's succeeded. • After publicly claiming that their entire engagement was only a "stunt," Drew Peterson's ex-fiance, Christina Raines, has moved back in with him. • It looks like even "Bridezillas" are scaling back: sales of wedding gowns in the U.S. are expected to decrease 2.8%. • Good news for all the real-life Jims and Pams out there: a new survey shows that 31% of office romances lead to marriage. • Research from Indiana University shows that single ladies are better at expressing their emotions in text messages than men. Women are more likely to use emoticons and write longer messages. • Cordula Volkening, a 52-year-old woman from Brooklyn, was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer a year ago. After learning that she had only a few years more, Volkening decided to bravely start a new career as a painter. • Just in time for Valentine's Day, researchers have found that material gifts may lead to more happiness than "experience"-based gifts, especially when the experience goes badly. Apparently, it is easier to forget a crappy gift than a terrible dinner or a poorly chosen vacation. • Yesterday, a woman believed to be 115 years old passed away in Chicago. Virginia Coll was not previously recognized as one of the 88 people living aged over 110 and above. • While head lice have a long history of nesting in human hair, scientists believe that crabs are a slightly more recent phenomenon. David Reed theorizes that crabs originated in the pubic hair of gorillas, and only later spread to humans. • A Saudi judge has sentenced the victim of gang-rape to 100 lashes and a year in jail for adultery. Authorities accuse the woman of attempting to get an abortion after she found herself pregnant as a result of the attack. • Through studying prairie voles, a rare monogamous rodent, scientists hope to discover the biological source of love. • Men from Sydney will be among the first in the world to try a twice-monthly male contraceptive injection. • In order to keep up with changing technology, the Queen's website has received a facelift. • Cotton candy could soon be more than just a fairground staple: scientists may have found a way to use the fluffy treat to regrow human tissue. • A special court ruled today that there is no link between autism and vaccination, despite what many parents may think. While this may be a good thing for some, it is an all-around bad week for parents of autistic children: a bill was defeated yesterday that would require mandatory insurance coverage for children with autism. • A pregnant Brazilian woman was attacked last Monday evening in Zurich by a group of skinheads. They allegedly carved the initials of Switzerland's right-wing party into her stomach after hearing her speaking Portuguese. The attack caused her to miscarry twins. •

According to the story, "Even when it's couched as a matter of convenience, giving a key often carries deep meaning for both of those involved, raising issues of trust, vulnerability and intimacy." It goes on to explain that the act connotes a level of intimacy and "access to your private world," and details a number of anecdotes about different couples reaching the Key Point. Guys are reticent, women are rom-com ecstatic ("I felt like we got engaged, although that took another year," says one) and overall we get a cuteness overload worthy of Sex and the City circa '01.

Really? Really, New York Times? Yes, I suppose exchanging keys is a big deal to some people. Sure, it can be dumb to entrust a stranger with such a thing and, I guess, a Big Deal for the self-contained. Maybe I'm just extra-defensive because such things have tended to be particularly casual in my own case; I've loaned someone the spare so he can let himself in when I'm out, he hangs onto it...you get the idea. For my part, I resist adding more keys to my own Chatelaine-like ring in any case. Maybe I didn't realize it was tantamount to getting engaged, but I'm a little dense that way.

And really, beyond the actual cutesy key-to-his-heart issue, why are we still adhering to the trope of the "relationship timeline"? It's obvious these things vary from couple to couple, person to person, and imposing an undue level of significance on essentially personal - and often arbitrary - "milestones" only serves to bolster the culture of anxiety that surrounds modern love. Perhaps because the currency of intimate exchange is so much less defined and in many ways more casual, we feel a need to impose arbitrary rules on our lives; on some level, maybe people crave the structure. Fair enough: but please don't make us read about it anymore.

Love At The Door [New York Times]

The sold-out event at the Binder Park Zoo is only open to adults and costs $50 per couple. Visitors will receive champagne, hors d'oeuvres, and a guided tour of the zoo featuring snow leopards, giraffes, zebras, and various primates and reptiles. "We're going to talk about animal reproduction, the different animals here at Binder Park Zoo and their little quirks, different things that get them going to help them reproduce," said zoo employee Jenny Parnett. Other Valentine's Day sex tours have been held at zoos around the country in recent years. [CBS News]

This cow makes Anna go, "Cuuuuute!" [Breitbart]

• Archeologists in Northern Ireland have begun searching for the unmarked graves of unbaptized babies in the hopes that they will be able to give the children a proper burial. • Gender equality we don't support: research shows that English men between the ages of 20 and 24 are just as likely to be abused by their partners as women in the same age group. • Bad news for Nadya Suleman: children who are looked after by their grandparents are more likely to have problems socializing with their peers and exhibit behavioral problems than those who spend their time in a daycare center. • Although a little slow on the uptake, we're glad to hear that the chief executive of Consumer Focus, Ed Mayo, is speaking out against the sexualization of clothing and toys marketed toward young girls. Mayo also successfully lobbied for WH Smith to drop its range of Playboy-themed stationary for school girls. • A new study has shown that women are more attracted to a man's "sexual sweat" than his "neutral sweat." While the test subjects did not recognize either scent immediately as human, their brains showed recognition and excitement when sniffing the "sexual" excretions. • Indian women have launched a Facebook campaign titled "The Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women" in response to the recent attack on "un-Indian" women who were out drinking in a bar (which we mentioned yesterday). They plan to send pink underwear on Valentines Day to the group that lead the attack. • Children's publisher Scholastic Inc. has been accused of misusing its book club to push video games and jewelry to kids. • A forthcoming study in the journal Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery analyzed the faces of 186 pairs of identical twins and found that if you want to look better as you age, you should be willing to gain a little weight. • Click here for an interesting article on the history of peanut butter. Did you know that peanut butter did not become popular until World War II, when meat was scarce? • A 66-year-old man called the police after Burger King employees told him that they had run out of lemonade. I wonder if this guy's related to me, since my sister once dialed 911 about a lack of deli meat. • Last year, drugmakers spend hundreds of millions of dollars to raise awareness for fibromyalgia, an ailment that some call a "murky illness" due to the lack of knowledge about causes and treatments. • Over at Nzingha's Soapbox there is an interesting post on the difficulties Saudi women face when trying to find jobs. • Sick of his freedom (or maybe just a little lonely), a wild otter broke into Florida's Jacksonville Zoo and Gardens. Zoo workers found the wild otter hanging out with the only otter in the zoo's exhibit. • A new study has found that kids with multiracial identities are better adjusted at school and report better personal well-being than students who hail from one ethnic group. • A piece titled "The Funeral of Mona Lisa" by Franco-Chinese artist Yan Pei-Ming is set to be displayed in the Louvre in the room next to the original. The exhibit is part of the Louvre's ongoing efforts to bring contemporary art face-to-face with the old masterpieces. • An injured deer in Ohio managed to find its way into a vet clinic where it received dissolvable stitches before being set free. • The Delhi High Court has ruled that if a man has consensual sex with an adult woman after proposing marriage, and then later retracts his promise, it amounts to rape. • Two women are struggling to survive after undergoing disastrous cosmetic surgery procedures aimed at giving them 'J-Lo' style butts. • A riot in a club in Brazil was apparently started when one woman, wearing very high heels teetered and fell, starting a domino effect. • A middle school counselor is facing a lawsuit after forcing a 12-year-old girl to take a pregnancy test. The counselor heard a rumor that she was knocked up, but like most middle school gossip, it was untrue. • Several days ago, exotic dancerRoberta Busby was attacked outside her place of work, doused with flammable fluid, and set on fire. Busby is currently in the hospital, in stable condition. If you are interested in donating, Feministe has information on where to send money. • New research suggests that simply providing women who have reported engaging in unprotected sex with home pregnancy tests can have a substantial impact on the health of potential newborns. • In the past 14 years, Christine O'Leary, 38, has won a $6,000 nose job, a concert with Lenny Kravitz, a cruise, spa trips, and many other prizes. O'Leary says that her winning streak is more about perseverance than luck. •

The Hindu group, called Sri Ram Sena, also denounced Valentine's Day. Some government officials are joining the culture wars — one called shopping malls "havens of hand-holding." But India's women and child development minister criticized Sri Ram Sena's tactics as "Talibanization." Twenty-one-year-old Sanah Galgotia says the debate rages within Indian women as well, that they alternate "between being assertive and subservient and then judging others for tilting one way or the other." "In India," she says, "no matter how modern you are, you're still in this schizophrenic nonmodern thing." She adds, "We are globalized in our lifestyle, but very Indian at heart. I know I am." [NY Times]