When one gets yeast infections easily — at the first whiff of an antibiotic or the slightest weakening of the immunities — you know the early warning signs, a slight burning itch that predates the proverbial "cottage-cheese-like discharge" (ew) by a few days. When I felt it the other night, I cursed my bad luck: I didn't feel like the hassle of calling the doctor and dreaded the chemical burn of the Monistat egg. (I like the little egg.) In any event, the pharmacy was closed for the night.

I took to the internet, hoping to find a useful home remedy. And, as is generally the case with homeopathic remedies, the answer was garlic — which, if you believe some of these sites, is prevented from conquering penicillin only due to sinister medical conspiracies involving drug companies. Having, on the internet's advice, attempted placing a garlic clove in my ear (ear infection) and eating raw cloves (a cold) in the past with no great rate of success, I was dubious. But I was eager to stop the infection in its tracks, and lord knows I had a full braid of garlic in the kitchen. What did I have to lose? Besides, I liked the idea of brewing my own cures and outwitting the medical industry with ancient female know-how.

According to the various sites I consulted, the treatment was no more complicated than slipping in a peeled clove and going to bed. Said Midwifery Today, with authority, "the reason that the treatment is done at bedtime is that there is a connection between the mouth and the vagina. The moment the garlic is placed in the vagina, the taste of the garlic travels up to the mouth. Most people will find this strong flavor annoying during the day, so the treatment is recommended for nighttime. " As someone who's never fully understood why lead can't be turned into gold, this explanation made complete sense to me. Although a few sites recommended wrapping the garlic in a bit of cheesecloth, I deemed this a frill. Besides, I didn't have any cheesecloth handy and was sick of bringing cheese into the conversation.

Luckily my boyfriend was working a night shift; I can think of few things less erotic than slipping into bed with intimate love on your mind and coming into contact with a garlic clove in someone's vaginal canal, like a secret vampire deterrent or something. I tossed and turned. I fancied I could feel the garlic moving through my body to my mouth. I could smell it. I had a garlic clove up my vagina.

At three a.m. I leapt up, furious. The garlic was not working! I decided to up the dosage, which apparently meant chopping a clove in half so the antioxidant juices could better make contact. First I had to get the old one out, which was no easy matter; the garlic clove had migrated. I had a moment of panic when I was convinced I'd never be able to retrieve it. I managed to do so only by means of complicated muscle exercises which do not bear getting into but will doubtless come in handy should I ever need to birth a baby, After this narrow escape, I decided to wrap the new, higher dosage in — well, I didn't have any cheesecloth, so I used a clean scrap of vintage handkerchief. I went back to bed. And, then, the garlic hit. It was agony — far, far worse burning than anything I'd ever experienced from Monistat — which hurts. I stuck it out for three minutes or so, then could bear it no longer. Luckily the tail of cloth I had made facilitated things this time around.

The experiment was over; it had been an abject failure —or I had. The next day, two showers, a bath and a dose of Monistat later, I was on the mend. But when I went to my mom's house for dinner and she produced chicken with forty cloves of garlic...my appetite was diminished.

Turns out the study does make a distinction between "vaginal orgasm" and "clitoral orgasm." Vaginal orgasm is defined as orgasm resulting from "penile buffeting of the cervix" (hottest description of sex we've read all day) and not by clitoral stimulation. The study alleges that because more nerves and hormones are involved in cervix-buffeting action, vaginal orgasms are better for "sexual satiety and mental health." Women who can orgasm vaginally also apparently less likely to use "immature psychological defense mechanisms" like converting psychological problems into physical ailments.

So how did those sexologists determine whether a woman could achieve this sexual gold standard? "The basis for judgment was the global impression of the women's free, fluid, energetic, sensual manner of walking." Judging the sensuality of a woman's walk sounds like a job for scientists at Maxim University, but it is worth noting that the scientists were accurate over 80% of the time in judging whether a woman could have a vaginal orgasm.

What does this mean? It means that in a study population of sixteen Belgian university students, a particular sexual response may be associated with a particular walk. What the scientists have added to this somewhat interesting revelation are value judgments — a "free, fluid, energetic, sensual" walk, "immature defense mechanisms." They even say that their study may support the notion that "muscle blocks" are related to "impairment of sexual and character function." Basically the whole study hinges on the rather Freudian notion that some behaviors are more "mature" than others, and that if we don't walk sensually we might have a malfunctioning character.

But there's hope! The authors note that they misidentified two women as vaginally orgasmic who actually were not. They may have just been wrong, they admit, but "it might be that the women have the capacity for vaginal orgasm, but have not yet had sufficient experience or met a man of sufficient quality to induce vaginal orgasm." Yes, men, this study has something for you to feel bad about too. If your partner can't come, it's probably because your "quality" sucks. Better get to a quality therapist right away.

Earlier: Something In The Way She Moves: Does A Woman's Gait Predict Her Orgasmic Ability?

First of all, let's take the term "history of vaginal orgasm." We've asked for access to the study itself, but so far we only have the press release to go on. According to this rather bizarre document, "history of vaginal orgasm" appears to mean a woman's ability to have orgasms from penile-vaginal sex. But does that mean penis contact alone, or was additional clitoral stimulation also allowed? Since only about 7 percent of women can always come from P-in-the-V alone, the question is an important one.

Then there's study author Stuart Brody's analysis: "Blocked pelvic muscles, which might be associated with psychosexual impairments, could both impair vaginal orgasmic response and gait." Brody also hypothesizes that women who experience penile-vaginal orgasm are more confident. Could be true, but it shouldn't be. Having an orgasm isn't like sinking a free throw or delivering a PowerPoint presentation — it's not a skill women should judge themselves on. Thinking of yourself as good or bad at orgasms (a mindset only encouraged by the use of words like "impairment") probably leads to worse sex, not better.

The fun continues! The authors say that "confidence might also be related to the relationship(s) that a woman has had, given the finding that specifically penile-vaginal orgasm is associated with indices of better relationship quality." That study is online (subscription-only), and it was conducted on 30 Portuguese women who "were all undergraduate psychology students, workers in a facility for the mentally retarded, or performing artists" (a follow-up study will no doubt consider the relationship quality of cowgirls, aquarium workers, and rodeo clowns). These women rated their relationships more highly if they experienced penile-vaginal orgasms, but not orgasms from anal, oral, or masturbation. Again no data on whether in those P-V orgasms included vibrator or finger assistance. Do sexologists not get that this is important? Apparently not, nor do they shy away from statements like "It is possible that women who are focused on clitoral masturbatory stimulation are less attuned to the more interactive and neurophysiologically more complex behavior of penile-vaginal intercourse" (nah, they're probably just blind) or "Characterological factors might lead some women to choose sexual behaviors other than penile-vaginal intercourse for the very reason that those other behaviors are less intimate" (because the intimacy of an act is totally a measurable quantity that's the same for everyone).

I don't mean to knock sex research here — it can be interesting and even useful. And I'm prepared to believe that penile-vaginal sex has unique benefits for some heterosexual couples. But let's take these studies for what they are — measurements of other people, and often incomplete measurements at that. They can't measure what makes us feel good, and they shouldn't dictate how we feel about ourselves.

Gait May Be Associated With Orgasmic Ability [EurekAlert]

• The Indian city of Pune has banned the wearing of scarves while driving, under the theory that a scarf can be a terrorist disguise. Women's response: a scarf can also help you breathe in polluted, dusty Pune. • Most TV might make your kids think that Dad's incompetent, Mom's a saint, and women love yogurt. But can some shows actually help parents raise good feminists? Check out the discussion at Feministe. • Scary science: high prepregnancy BMI can increase the risk of brain and spinal cord defects. The good news: it doesn't hurt the baby's heart. • More scary science: high BMI may also decrease survival rates for breast cancer. The good news here: moderate drinking increases survival rates. • And some bad science: Dr. Chuck MacKnee claims that sex between committed Christians is more "holistic" than Tantric or Kama Sutra-style sex, "involving full body gratification as well as emotional and spiritual highs." His sample size: ten people, two of whom were pastors. • A city in central Japan had its Belly Button Festival this weekend, featuring an awesome dance in which "revelers paint a face on their torsos and stomachs and pretend it is a head." • And finally, from the department of the purely ridiculous: name analyst/professional weirdo Laurence Y Payg claims his name advice catapulted boring Laura Hollins into supermodel Agyness Deyn. His main technique seems to be adding y's, and he would like to help out another British star by transforming her into Amy Wynehouse. •

Kay. Like, maybe it's not a big deal to compare the smell and taste of a woman to Fish, but for Christ sake the joke is old. And to top it off, his little faux letter isn't even logically and creatively consistent! First he says that she can't get this "awful" (cough*fuckoff*cough) taste of fish out of her mouth, then she says she just loves the taste. Fuck off. If you're going to make fun of my Vagina, don't fuck up the joke.

Buck's taken shit from lesbians, from gay men, from Howard Stern and his crew, from pretty much everybody because he just won't conform. He won't get the add-on that would make him look "normal" as a man but that would leave him potentially without the ability to ever orgasm. And he deals with the question of the status of his genitals all the time, even as he announces to the world every day what they are, calling himself The Man With A Pussy. (If you're really, really curious, if you just have to know, 20 years of testosterone therapy has its side effects and an extremely Not Safe For Work Or Your Mother picture can be found here). He's living, breathing, fucking evidence of the fact that, even in the gay community and the sex-positive community, even when people are marching and fighting for the right to keep from being discriminated against for what they do with their genitals, everyone wants to know exactly what his look like. Being dumped by all his lesbian friends when he decided to be a man hurt, he says:

Fuck communities then, Buck thought, if all they do is uphold the tenets of a rigid, unchanging identity, and then spit you out when you deviate. The dykes won’t stick with a trans-man, and the trans-men get offended by a guy who has the balls to trumpet the virtues of his vagina. Why go through the effort of establishing nomenclature for every variation of queer identity if they’re going to be used as tools of division? If only your average straight-laced queer-baiter knew how closed-minded some sects of these hated deviants can be.

Everyone has prejudices, even people against whom too many people hold prejudices. But Buck forces us to confront not only issues of prejudice but of identity. Am I a woman because I have a vagina and breasts and a uterus and ovaries? Is Buck not a man because he is only minus one of those things? Biologically, he and I have the same chromosomes, but the state agrees to recognize him as a man and some people insist that he must still be a woman. My sex is female, but my gender is a more complex question, and a more complex answer because gender is an identity that doesn't reside in my nether regions. I'm a woman because everything in the mass of cells above my eyes knows that I'm a woman, and Buck's a man because the same mass of cells tells him he is. If he can get us all to think of gender as opposed to sex, to think about our chosen and established identities and those of others rather than which bits we all have and how we use them, and if he can do it by sticking a dildo in his big man pussy, then Buck Angel can be my feminist hero.

A Man Without a Cock or Country [BME]
Buck Angel, A Man With a Pussy: LGB Without the T [Village Voice]

Image via of Buck Angel Entertainment

Five female Indian baseball players who qualified for the Women's World Baseball Championship couldn't afford the tickets to the event, until some philanthropic people stepped in and covered their costs.

• A British blogger who wrote about his graphic sexual exploits with women in Shanghai (and caused quite a shitstorm in China) has revealed his identity, and his (surprise!) new book! • A pair of twins, one dark-skinned, one light-skinned were birthed on Friday last week in Germany to a biracial couple. • Plans to legalize prostitution in the red light districts in the South African city of Durban for the World Cup in 2010 have been met with a a great deal of opposition from religious groups. • The sexy nurse theme of a Korean music video for a female pop singer is angering actual nurses. • Olive Garden employees who appeared in Playboy can keep their button-downs and ties: The company will not issue repercussions to women who appeared in the spread. • A 10-year-old girl who competes in bodybuilding competitions is drawing criticism from people who see it as unhealthy. • Concerned police in Australia smashed a car window while trying to rescue a "reborn" doll left alone in a car. • A 55-year-old grandma fends off two would-be robbers with claw hammers with a push broom. The pictures for this story (particularly the one with the robbers scrambling for the door) are a must see. • Puppy video! My favorite Japanese pup tries to figure out how to use his brand new iPhone 3G.

Earlier this year, author Nancy Redd was asked to give her 2007 body-positive book 'Body Drama' to 250 teenage Hurricane Katrina survivors at a ceremony marking the 10th anniversary of the 'Vagina Monologues'. "I've harbored a major crush on Eve Ensler for over nine years," Nancy says. "Growing up with normal teenage angst and inadequate health education, I hated my vulva and I never referred to "down there" as anything other than a "hoo-ha". The Monologues were my introduction to feminism; nothing was more empowering to 18-year-old me than having a legit reason to scream "MY SHORT SKIRT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!" and "IT'S SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE PUSSY!" to the world." Below, Nancy fills us in on everything that went down in the (very fertile) Crescent City over the weekend, where 18,000 participants raised awareness of violence towards women by giving love to vaginas and the amazing women who own them.

"We call her sultry and sexy when we crave her, but after when we want to demean her and dismiss her, we call her swampy and soiled."

"We brag about her music, the way she moves, we beg to get inside her, but disown her later when she has needs."

This year, Eve decided to concentrate the power of her tenth anniversary on the community who needs it the most: the women of New Orleans, who, as Ensler explains, have "survived the fallout of global warming, failure of public structures, racism, economic hardship, and domestic abuse." (She calls them "Katrina Warriors".)

As soon as we walked into the Superdome, we were overwhelmed by the Biggest. Vagina. Ever. Very hypnotizing, and reminiscent of Gene Simmons' tongue!

Right after I arrived at the arena on Friday, author Gabrielle Roth had everyone come to the front of the stage for a fifteen minute "ecstatic dance" designed to release grievances and to allow positive energy to flow. The crowd was LOVING it, and I wanted Gabrielle to crowd surf so badly, because we would have caught her and it would have been awesome.

Afterwards, I checked out the art that decorated the Superdome, created by activists from around the world. Pieces included the biggest bra ball ever...

...an activist comic titled "Fuck, I'm a Victim," and V-Day memorabilia from the past ten years. One really cool installment was the Intentions Hut, where people could go inside and write their dreams and goals and place them in a box aptly titled 'Intentions.' This is where I found out that nearly everyone working the event — from Rosario Dawson's assistant for the day to the translator for Congolese doctor Dr. Denis Mukwege — was a volunteer, and many were college students or retirees. (The volunteer manning the Intentions Hut told me that her husband took Eve Ensler to his prom!)

A large part of the decision to hold the anniversary event at the Superdome was to transform horrible memories for Katrina survivors into positive ones. To do this, V-Day created three healing stations for local women (with some services and samples open to everyone) on the upper levels. To get to the stations, which was also where the food was, everyone had to pass through a giant glowing vulva. Perhaps for rebirth?

Once upstairs, there were massage sessions, yoga classes taught by Rodney Yee and Colleen Saidman, and free haircuts and makeup application for Katrina survivors, who were truly enjoying all of the pampering.

There was also a jam-packed activism room full of creative and inspiring groups and organizations, like the women from SAFER, who displayed edgy t-shirts...

...and Rha Goddess, who offered her new book We Got Issues.

There were so many younger kids swarming around and it was heartwarming seeing them studying the artwork and questioning the activists about what they do.

One of the best stage presentations included a girl who looked to be about ten and who proudly exclaimed that in her life from now on, she was "going to ignore stupidity and claim self control." She is now my new role model.

There were quite a few guys (a.k.a. "V-Men") around, too, both as participants and spectators. Authors and activists Jimmie Briggs, who brought his proud mom and aunt (aw!), and John Prendergast chatted with Tara from CosmoGIRL! and myself in between adoring fans (of which there were many).

On Saturday morning, Asia Rainey, local activist and the force behind the Daughters of Hope Rites of Passage, gave us our cues and got us all charged up, and Eve Ensler came in to say hi to the giddy teens, who were nervous and thrilled about being onstage in front of so many people, where they recited skills they'd learned in mentoring classes.

A lot of the girls were super-amped about the fact that they were going to meet Kerry Washington afterwards, worrying that their cell phones wouldn't get good enough pictures. As I was lining up to go onstage to give my presentation — during which I gave a motivational speech and presented my book — I bumped into Dr. Mukwege, an amazing Congolese doctor who is at the forefront of next year's V-Day focus on stopping violence against women in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Even though I let loose with an embarrassing scream of glee and a big hug he was incredibly gracious, just chilling in the waiting room wearing a sparkly red feather boa around his neck. I was hoping he would keep it on for the whole evening but alas, he took it off before his Q&A with Eve.

Next up was a Hollywood panel with Kerry Washington, Rosario Dawson, Amber Tamblyn, and Ali Larter; it was a huge hit, and the ladies really opened up about a lot of the sexism and weight concerns that they deal with in the industry.

Women are actually lambasted for crazy things like their ARM size, y'all! When asked about racial stereotypes of females in the media, Kerry expressed her frustration about the few roles for black women that aren't maids or prostitutes, and said that when she had to play one of those roles she tried hard to make the character a real person and not just the stereotype. There were girls who started CRYING in the audience when the celebs came out, and a few teens were brave enough to sneak backstage to get hugs and pictures, and everyone was really cool and gracious about it.

For that evening's star-studded performance of the Vagina Monologues, the Superdome was packed and full of energy.

Eve's adopted son Dylan McDermott was sitting right in front of me next to one of his daughters.

For me, the Vagina Monologues are like My Big Fat Greek Wedding and other movie classics...even though I've seen 'em a million times and I have most of the lines memorized I still love watching from beginning to end. Seeing Eve perform live injected new life into the decade-old words, and I loved her vulva pantsuit.

The celebrities added an interesting flavor and there were some new monologues that had been introduced since the last time I did the show. After watching the touching monologue "They Beat the Girl Out of My Boy" in homage of the transgender experience, I had to Google one of the performers, Calpernia Addams, and I have found my new favorite time-killing video channel.

Towards the end of the performances, Jennifer Beals stole the entire show with her rendition of the crowd favorite "The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy", aka "The Moaner".

Her and her backup moaners' renditions of the Irish Catholic orgasm moan "Oh, Oh, Oh PLEASE forgive me!" and the African-American moan "Oh SHIT! Oooooh SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT!" were absolutely hilarious.

At the afterparty at the W, I finally got a good look at Rosario Dawson's shoes and they were as I suspected - the infamous backward heels!

What's really funny is that earlier that evening, while we were both backstage, she seriously questioned whether or not my gold wedge heels were comfy. Anyway, she said her shoes felt fine but I wished I had asked her where she got them because my Google-fu is failing me and I NEED THOSE SHOES!

There was tons of food at the party, including made-to-order FREAKING chicken and waffles, y'all! (Eve and her people know how to throw a party.) Everyone was into the music and the atmosphere and the people and it was just a room full of hot, happy vaginas and their guy friends...a perfect end to an amazing weekend. Hope to see everyone in the Democratic Republic of Congo in 2009!

The V Day Event Of The Decade: V To The Tenth [V10.VDay.org]

Earlier:
"Here At The Hospital, We Have Seen Women Who Have Stopped Living"
New York Interviewer Accuses Vagina Book Author Of An "Anti-Waxing Slant"
Badass, Self-Described Feminist Jane Fonda Drops the C-Word On Today

Related: Body Drama [Amazon]

The slant of this writer's letters range from somewhat left to somewhat right, plus straight up and down. These slants indicate emotional moods that can range from solitary and self-involved, to un-impulsive and logical, to somewhat outgoing. One may never know from moment to moment which of those moods will dominate.

There are hooks at the beginning and ends of many letters including the lower case Ys and Fs. This is a writer who grasps to own things and once they're gotten they won't be let go without a terrible struggle.

The writer is a methodical, detail-oriented thinker who takes time with getting things right. Goals are set where they are easy for the writer to reach without much stretching.

There is tendency of this writer to make "gut" decisions, which is another way of saying intuition. Intuition speeds up the thinking of a methodical thinker so that the methodical thinker can compete with much faster thinkers. This writer uses intuition on occasion, but may not trust it entirely. In the same vein, this writer is sometimes open to new ideas, and sometimes preconceptions and fears clog the arteries of communication (narrowed loops in some Es).

• How come Kate Moss has no visible vagina in sculptural form? Just sayin'. [Vogue UK]
  
• TopShop chief Sir Philip Green is our improbable crush of the day, for responding to naysayers' accusations that his company is "in crisis" thusly: "If it's being said that I'm in crisis then let's think what that means....Foot and mouth - now that's what I'd call a crisis - and I haven't got that." [Vogue UK]
  
• Roberto Cavalli: an egotist with a heart of gold. On designing for H&M: "The young stop me all over the world in the street and say 'Oh, Roberto, you're my idol.' I said ok to H&M so that youngsters could have the chance to wear Cavalli..." [Vogue UK]
  
• "American Eagle Outfitters Inc. wants to do more than simply sell clothes, and has determined that one way to do so is by producing original entertainment content.": Um, if we may? Simply sell clothes. [WWD, sub req'd]

• Dresses: People still wanna wear 'em. We stand by our reason for being partial to the dress: Laziness. One item, over the head, all done. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Other retailers doing poorly: Gap stock fell to its lowest price in over 4 years. [WWD, sub req'd]
• So we think someone needs to tell Gap's founding owners that maybe they shouldn't be off buying art right now. [NYT]
• Steve Madden sales have plummeted and it's a mad dash to sell off shares. A theory: flats = bad for the economy. They don't need constant re-heeling and they're comfortable enough that you're not constantly searching for that "perfect pair" that doesn't exist, trust us we've looked. [Reuters]