In Touch
"Brad Feels Trapped." Basically, this mag insists that Angelina is knocked up with her 7th child, and that Brad is "tormented" by her "baby joy." And insider says, "Brad feels trapped. He knows he can't leave her now." Cuz before, when they only had 6 kids, he could totally just walk away. But seven?? Anyway, the "source" claims that even before the twins were born, Brad tried to "escape" by "drinking vast amounts of beer." Moving on: Tom and Katie are celebrating their two-year anniversary. What keeps them together? Their daughter. Katie "puts up with a lot for Suri's sake," a friend claims. The friend also says: "Life with Tom is not what Katie thought it would be." For the love of Xenu. Also inside: Nicole Richie is "too thin again." A nutritionist who doesn't treat her estimates her weight is 90 lbs.; she was 85 lbs. at her thinnest. Lindsay Lohan has a crush on Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick! "I love Chuck Bass," she says. "I want to be his friend." Evan Rachel Wood has "finally" found a guy her age: The 21-year-old was seen making out with Joseph Gordon Levitt, 27. This comes just 3 weeks after breaking up with 39-year-old Marilyn Manson. Christina Ricci has a new man, and he is 6 foot 6 (Fig. 1). On a spread called "The Most Expensive Celebrity Weddings," we learn that Jessica Simpson spent $250,000 on roses; both Mariah and Gwen Stefani had $500,000 receptions; Trista Rehn had $50,000 platinum and diamond-encrusted shoes. By the by: John Stamos is ready to have kids! Lastly, the epically dumb story: "Suri Is Copying Lindsay's Style" (Fig. 2)! Since this is the only weekly not to cover the Obamas, it receives an automatic failure.
Grade: F- (dreadlock)

Life & Style
"Jen Speaks Out On Angelina." You've heard this a million times over the last two days and here it is again: Jennifer Aniston thinks that Angelina talking about falling in love during Mr. And Mrs. Smith is "very uncool." Jen's friends "know to avoid" talking about Brangelina, and Jen says she can deal with running into Brad, but she's tired of being tied to him publicly. Yawn. Moving on! There are two pages based on Lindsay Lohan's Bazaar interview, in which she says she's not a lesbian. She does say she sees herself getting married "eventually." The mag asks, to a man or a woman? LL answers, "I don't know." In a Brad and Angelina story called "Time Apart," we learn that the two make sure they have "date night" at least two nights a month — the nannies watch the kids. A "Meet The First Daughters" story informs us that Malia Obama likes ice cream: "Ice cream is my favorite food," she says. "I could eat ice cream forever." Sasha likes to dance to Beyoncé on her iPod. Beyoncé has offered to sing at the inauguration! Insiders say that moving to the White House will probably be easier on Sasha because she's younger and more of an extrovert. Malia already has her own set of friends and a life that she's used to, so she may get homesick. But! The White House does have a in-house movie theater, swimming pool and bowling alley. Next: Kim Kardashian has "stolen" Angelina Jolie's stylist, Jen Rade, who told her to ditch the extensions and stop wearing so much tight stuff. "I've kept 10 Herve Leger dresses as keepsakes," says Kim, "but I've gotten rid of 40." Hayden Panettiere is 19 and now has a $2.6 million house in L.A. It looks cute. Lastly, in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the doc says that Mandy Moore's nose is "perfect for her face" didn't she have it done? He also claims that Whitney Port would be "stunning" with Lauren Conrad's nose (Fig. 3). She looks awful. Women are not Lego, for you to swap and change pieces, doctor.
Grade: F+ (rat's nest)

OK!
"Michelle's Private World." Intern Margaret says she didn't really learn anything new about Michelle, and the only source the mag uses is Yusef Williams, Michelle's hairstylist. He does reveal that "Michelle has a lot of full-length hair — no extensions — and she has relaxed." Williams explains, in great detail, how to get her 'do: there's serum, blow-drying and flat ironing involved. He expects her look to evolve when the Obamas hit the White House: "I'm sure there is going to be change, because that's the motto: Change. Expect something shorter, layered, fun and one-of-a-kind." There are rumors that the earrings Michelle wore on election night were a gift from Oprah, but that's not true. They're $10,000 Loree Rodkin earrings. We also learned how to get Malia and Sasha's looks, by shopping H&M, Bloomingdales, J. Crew and Payless. Moving on: Britney's son Jayden was rushed to the hospital on Sunday, and an allergic reaction to shellfish was the cause. No shrimp cocktail for little Jay! There's a two-page spread with "exclusive" pictures from Mel B.'s vow renewal in Egypt, if you care.
Grade: C- (teased tangles)

Star
"Devastated Jen: How Could You!" So yeah, what is Jen Aniston pissed about now? According to the mag, Jen was surfing the web and "came across a story that plunged a knife directly into her heart." It was when Brad told Oprah that Angelina is "the love of his life." Oprah asked him if he's the happiest he's ever been, and Brad answers, "Dare I say?" To which Oprah said, "Dare I see!" The mag digs up a quote from 1996, when Brad Pitt dedicated his Golden Globe from 12 Monkeys to "the love of my life, my angel": Gwyneth Paltrow. And! In 2004, while Brad was still with Jen but had started filming Mr. And Mrs. Smith, he said: "We'll see where this thing is going. I'm not sure it is really in our nature to be with someone for the rest of our lives." Now Jen is wondering if Brad ever really love her, and she called his mom to cry about it. An insider says having John Mayer's baby is going to be Jen's "in your face" to Brad. Apparently John Mayer is so frustrated by Jen's "lingering feelings" for Brad that he's written pages and pages of rants he plans to turn into song lyrics. Moving on: Blind item! "Which new mom is having a little too much fun when her baby's dad is out of town? Booze and coke aren't quite the best diet for someone who is still breastfeeding." Also inside: "America's First Sweethearts" is all about Sasha and Malia Obama! Sasha, who will be the youngest kid in the White House since Kennedy's children, is a budding gymnast who collects snowglobes — dad picks them up during his travels! Plus, there's a picture of Sasha and Barack in a bumper car (Fig. 4)! Lastly, there are six pages called "Hollywood Strip Show," which is about stars who have been — or played — strippers. Did you know that Mark Consuelos was known as the "king of whipped cream" when he danced in Tampa in the early '90s?
Grade: C (dry curls)

Us
"I Think I'm A Pretty Cool Dad." The issue devotes eight pages to Barack Obama, after having a 13-page page story about the Obamas and other White House families last week. They even have a page called "Obamas — Just Like Us!" (Fig. 5) You get to see tons and tons of pictures, especially of Sasha and Malia — rollerskating, playing with a puppy, hugging dad, etc. There's also a page called "Fake Baby News," in which Us calls out In Touch OK! and Star for spreading vicious, vicious lies. (Fig. 6) Keep your enemies close!
Grade: C+ (conditioned tresses)
















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• Sean Penn: Lousy gay lover! Diego Luna was asked about kissing Sean for Milk and said, "It was...dry." He added: "I guess he was thinking about Franco." But costar James Franco claims kissing Sean was "fine." Not hot, steamy, fun. Fine. [E!]
• Britney's youngest son, Jayden, has been released from the hospital. He was rushed to the emergency room on Sunday is because he had an allergic reaction to something he ate. The 2-year-old had hives, was itchy and irritable. The family is "just not sure" what triggered the reaction. [Page Six, TMZ]
• Madonna had a dinner party at her apartment and invited her non-Kabbalah friends, so they could meet her "friend" Alex Rodriguez. [Mirror]
• Madonna let Guy see his sons! There's a picture of Rocco and David at the airport, hugging Guy. Apparently Madonna has a list of demands that Guy must meet while the kids are with him in London. It includes a ban on TV, non-organic food and clothes not sent by her. For some reason, can't you picture Guy getting the kids hopped up on sugar and Disney cartoons? [Daily Mail]
• People and Us Weekly put Barack Obama on their covers, and those issues sold extremely well. America wasn't interested in Jennifer Aniston or Suri Cruise last week? Really? [MSNBC]

• Will a Barack Obama documentary sweep the Emmys? It's co-produced by Ed Norton… [LA Times]
• Malia and Sasha Obama might get to visit the set of Hannah Montana! "The invitation is there," Billy Ray Cyrus says. "The Hannah Montana film comes out in April. Maybe something might happen around then. Maybe not. I don’t know… I have got to keep a secret." Uh, too late! [Access Hollywood]
• Michelle Williams' dad, Larry Williams, a prominent stock market trader, has agreed to return to the U.S. to face tax evasion charges. He's been in Australia, though he's actually a resident of the Virgin Islands. He possibly owes $1.5 million in unpaid taxes. [Yahoo News]
• Here's a snippet from the Blake Lively interview in W magazine: "Lively doesn’t even attempt to hide her glee at all the freebies foisted upon her, from designer dresses and diamond bangles to an utterly insane number of pricey purses. 'I probably have, like, 60 gorgeous bags,' she says. 'I have a closet with my really sharp, fancy, nice ones—the ones that go with my Valentino pumps, for example. And then I have a closet with the ones that are a little more rugged-feeling, the kind that go with my Belstaff motorcycle boots.'" [W]
• Juliette Lewis met Ed Westwick and said, "Who is this guy?" Someone's not watching Gossip Girl. He's Chuck Bass! [Rush & Molloy]
• The creators of Gossip Girl say the show is like "a chess game." See, "Chuck and Blair are the king and queen. Everyone else, except Serena, is a pawn.” Hmm, isn't the show more like Trouble, what with the pop-o-matic dice and the moving in circles? Wait, what was the question again? [People]
• Amy Winehouse "lost it" after finding out Blake Fielder-Civil contacted the "other woman" when he got out of jail. Blake Formerly Incarcerated says, "She hasn’t dumped me. We both love each other and will be together for ever. We have spoken on the phone and I’m expecting a visit from her any time now. We can’t wait to be back together." Keep hope alive! [The Sun]
• When asked about the rumors linking him to Evan Rachel Wood, Mickey Rourke said, "She's a good friend, that's it. Tell that faggot who wrote all that shit in the paper I'd like to break his fucking legs." Whoops! Mickey's sorry! Rourke has released a statement which reads, "I want to sincerely apologize for the derogatory word I used. It was insensitive and inappropriate of me and I am deeply sorry that I may have offended anyone." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Nicole Kidman was on Oprah yesterday, and at O's urging, she pulled out a picture of her baby, Sunday Rose. [Perez Hilton]
• Speaking of Nicole, something is up with her new flick, Australia. The studio forced director Baz Luhrmann to change the ending, but don't click unless you want to know, this entire article is a spoiler alert. [LA Times]
• Mariah Carey's demands for the World Music Awards: A £100,000 private jet transport to the ceremony in Monte Carlo and a £10,000-a-night penthouse suite at the exclusive Hotel de Paris for two nights. Plus! VIP treatment for her 15-member entourage. [Daily Mail]
• Mariah was on Simon Cowell's X Factor over the weekend, and some people are saying it was one of her worst performances ever. Click for video and judge for yourself. (My 2¢: Her voice is not what it used to be.) [The.Life Files]
• Blind item! "Which proud new papa isn't much of a family guy? The handsome actor, notorious for having a roving eye, was spotted leaving a downtown hot spot with the beautiful bartender." [Rush & Molloy]
• Evan Rachel Wood claims the Obama camp wanted Marilyn Manson to play for Barack. A spokesperson says, "That it not true." [Yahoo News]
• Isaiah Washington is speaking out about Brooke Smith being fired from Grey's Anatomy: "I looked at a brilliant actress, whom I have adored since I first saw her in Silence of the Lambs. For her to be treated this way, I find very interesting. The fact is that, just before the holidays, you have a mother, a wonderful actress removed from a steady income without the proper reasoning behind it…You look at the way another consummate professional [is] being treated because her character, her story line [has] potentially made producers uncomfortable. Now that I see what they're doing to a show that I love and I care about, I think it's disgusting. The fact that Shonda has been put in this position is extremely unfair. It's unfortunate because it was probably, at the time, the most progressive show on television. Now I see it [being] systematically torn apart. Bring Burke back!" Yeah, that's right, Burke. Not Brooke. He's talking about himself, you see. [Perez Hilton
• Oh dear: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will guest star on How I Met Your Mother. Well, at least Heidi's psuedo-employed after losing her fake job. [E!, People]
• America Ferrera will star and executive produce a drama called American Tragic, about a young war vet who sets off across the country with a buddy to find redemption. Ferrera will play his wife. [Variety]
• Queen Latifah will host the People's Choice Awards on January 7. [Variety]
• Are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel getting married or not? (Seems like "not.") [MSNBC]
• Tim Robbins is still battling the New York City board of elections. Did he show up to the wrong polling place? Or did they change his location without him knowing? [Page Six, NY Times]
• Regis Philbin gave his old elementary school $1.5 million in 2005; it's since been shut down. Think he wishes he had the cash back? [Page Six]
• Will Eminem's new CD come out on time? There was a December due date, but a source says, "He is being a perfectionist and is completely obsessive-compulsive about this album. There's a 50-50 chance it will be done by the end of this year - but most likely it'll be the first quarter of next year." After this long, why rush? [Page Six]
• NBC's Medium returns in January with new castmember Tracy Pollan, aka Mrs. Michael J. Fox. [EW]
• In Roger Moore's memoir, you learn that that during the filming of Live and Let Die, his first Bond flick, he had kidney stones, so he took a painkiller, methylene, that both knocked him out and turned his urine blue. He woke up in the middle of the night, mistook his closet for a bathroom and peed all over his clothes, "dying them a delightful azure." [Time]
• Kelsey Grammer on Sarah Palin: "I don't know that she doesn't know that Africa is a continent… And if I read it in the New York Times, I have to get a second source." Damn librul media! [TMZ]
• The Dallas reunion was a Texas-sized mess! Hundreds more people than expected showed up for Saturday night's barbecue and cast reunion at Southfork Ranch; angry fans complained they didn't get the access to cast members they'd paid $500 to see; while others got close to the stars without paying. [Yahoo News]
• By the by, Mayim Bialik, the star of '90s sit com Blossom, had a baby about a month or two ago. Her second child, a boy named Fred. [TMZ]
• Former boy band mogul, Lou Perlman, is discussed in a new book, and the consensus is the dude is "creepy" and tried to "wrestle" with the boys he managed. Perlman's currently serving a 25-year jail sentence for conspiracy, money laundering, etc. [Rush & Molloy]
• Actress Gong Li: Being called a traitor, because she's decided to become a Singaporean citizen. (She was born and raised in China.) [Breitbart]
• Tony Dow, who played Wally on Leave It To Beaver, will have one of his abstract sculptures on display at the Louvre. Upgrade! [Yahoo News]
• Headline of the day: "Fleetwood Mac's Lindsey Buckingham wants to play a song for President George W Bush called 'Treason.'" [Telegraph]
• WTF. Another William Shatner video, in which he talks shit about George Takei. [Perez Hilton]
• James Cromwell, who starred in the Babe movies, is recovering from a broken collarbone and partially deflated lung after falling off of his bicycle in an L.A.-area canyon on Sunday. He should be out of the hospital now. That'll do! [AP]
• Geri Halliwell has dumped her "toyboy" lover, dancer Ivan "Flipz" Velez. He's devastated. Maybe his new middle name will be "Mopez." [Mirror]
• Here's a rare photograph of Marilyn Monroe in stockings and garters. [Telegraph]
• Chris March of Project Runway was interviewed by a snarky New York magazine editor and wasn't really amused. The writer was mocking Seal's facial scars, though, so: Team March. [NY Mag]
• Beyoncé says offers have come in from magazines wanting wedding pictures and it's "crazy money that's just ridiculous." Don't worry, B is classier than that: "It's so not worth it. If anything, if you wanna put something out, then put it out, not for (money). We worked really hard at keeping it private. I've always been this way, and he's always been this way, so that's why we complement each other. We always knew that it would be private and quiet, for all the right reasons." [AP]
• Here's a lovely poem Chuck Norris has written about Barack Obama's "political stink." It rhymes! [E&P Pub]
• "He’s never let himself become a lost cause. He’s hardcore and very strong. Off-duty he flies his own plane and helicopter and he insists on doing as many of his own stunts as possible. It’s him riding the bikes and throwing the punches — he doesn’t palm it off to a stunt man." — Jamie Milnes, Harrison Ford's personal trainer, on working with him for Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. [Telegraph]
• "I thought it would be easy to cast a Bond girl, because there are so many beautiful women in this world. But not many of them can act. Their acting needed to be really strong and three-dimensional. Historically, the role of women in the world has changed. You can't have someone in a Bond film just as a sex object. [But] they have to be sexy and beautiful. That's what people expect, and that's what Bond is about." — Quantum Of Solace director Marc Forster. [Esquire]
• "I call her 'The Mouse.' And The Mouse holds on to the edge of a chair now and is gaining the confidence to think, 'Maybe these legs belong to me.' I keep telling Nicole that it's a bad sign, because once those legs gain confidence, then they're out of here!" — Lionel Richie on 10-month-old granddaughter Harlow. [People]
• "She taught me the importance of looking good and feeling good but also that beauty comes from within, because it fades. I looked at her like a therapist and a makeover queen –- the perfect glamorous smart woman. People would walk in, talk to her and tell her their issues and they'd walk out feeling and looking like a new woman." — Beyoncé, on her mother, who owned a hair salon when B was a kid. [People]
• "It's cool when you have a movie where you can show another side of yourself, like this one does. The movie is not going to be successful, I don't think. It's not the usual Van Damme action movie, so I'm not really kicking butt. People who know me, they know my story, that I came with nothing and because famous with martial arts. I did the movie because it felt good to do something like that. [I won't do a reality show because] I don't want to expose my family or even my animals to the cameras all the time. You can't even go to the toilet because they shove a camera up your butt. I would probably throw the camera out the window. They did approach me once, though — the channel with the guy with the long hair. Gene Simmons? [Checks with son.] No, it was Ozzy Osbourne, who's a big teddy bear. A letter came to my desk and he wanted to know if I'd do a reality show. Bad or good, only God should know what you're doing at all times." — Jean-Claude Van Damme. [WSJ]
• "It was OK. I wasn’t into the waif thing. She kind of looked like my nephew. I mean she’s beautiful – she’s a very pretty nephew – but I’m more into curvy women." — Mark Wahlberg on posing with Kate Moss in those 1992 Calvin Klein ads. [The Sun]
• "I'm running a business. And sometimes being the boss of your own empire and creation, you have to be assertive. Being a female, that comes with being labeled a 'bitch' and given titles that men wouldn’t receive. But if that’s what I’m going to be called by being assertive and knowing who I am and what I want out of life, so be it. I wear that label proudly." — Christina Aguilera in Rolling Stone. [MSNBC]
• "I apparently offended some animal lovers. Um, really people? I love animals as much as anyone, I don't eat pork – so for those of you fighting that good fight against me ... shut up! I was just pointing out the fact that people in California seem to care more about animal rights than human rights … I'm not running around killing chickens for fun or firing a slingshot at a squirrel." — Samantha Ronson, resonding to people who were offended by her Prop 2 vs. Prop 8 post. [People]
• "[I said] 'Sen. Obama, when you were in school in Boston, did you encounter any racism?' And he said something really interesting. He said, um. He said, 'I'm Kanye West.'" — Sarah Silverman. [Page Six]

Life & Style
"Angelina Admits Love Affair." The mag tries to milk a cover story out of that line Angelina said about her kids watching their parents fall in love in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Boring! Also inside: Nick Hogan was released from prison on October 21. There's a "Recession Special" story called "Even The Stars Are Cutting Back!" For example, Katie Holmes was spotted holding a travel mug, therefore the mag speculates that she is trying to save $25+ a week in lattes. Jessica Simpson's roots are showing, which means she is saving $225 a 'do. Carmen Electra washes her own car, which saves her $25 a wash. Next: Tina Fey was opposed to Sarah Palin's guest appearance on Saturday Night Live. An insider says she thought it takes the teeth out of the satire by letting the real Palin in on the joke. Lastly: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have approached Michael Phelps about doing a reality show, which will focus on Michael's new life and fame.
Grade: F (blackwater)


In Touch
"Yes, We Had Plastic Surgery." Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Demi Moore, Paula Abdul, Meg Ryan, Nicole Kidman and Tara Reid have all had Botox or some other kind of procedure. Botox isn't surgery, is it? Next: Sean Penn and Robin Wright called off their divorce in April, but according to a source who lives in their San Francisco neighborhood, Sean still unabashedly flirts with women and asks for phone numbers. Katherine Heigl and her husband are in the process of adopting a baby from Korea. Her sister, Meg, was adopted from Korea. The mag helpfully adds pictures of Katherine with her sister's kids so you can see what she looks like with Asian children (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (greywater)


OK!
"Tears, Lies & Money." Six pages on how Madonna and Guy's divorce is messy, with some wedding pictures we hadn't seen before (Fig. 2). And Alex Rodriguez is on the scene! A source says, "I've heard that Madonna calls A-Rod her boyfriend." plus, A-Rod has a house in Rye, NY, by the water, that he uses to get away from the city. A source says it's very private and Madonna has been there more than once. There's also a page called "Who Gets What?" that lists all of Madge & Guy's assets: The house, the pub, the Mini Cooper. Moving on: In an OK! poll of "Who Has The Cutest Little Pumpkins," Marcia Cross beats Heidi Montag (Fig. 3). Who are the 36% of people who voted for Heidi??? Elisabeth Hasselbeck is "the odd woman out" on The View; during breaks she is always alone, according to an audience member. Shenae Grimes, 19, of 90210 was spotted buying six packs of Parliament Lights cigarettes. She posted on her blog: "I smoke. It's who I am." Next: Gwen Stefani's son Kingston, 2, "runs around the house knocking things down. He's a troublemaker." On a spread called "Real Sizes Revealed!" we discover that Kelly Ripa is a 2 and Meryl Streep is an 8 (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (non-potable water)


Us
"Lies, Cheating & Abuse." According to the story inside, two months ago, Madonna and Guy actually stopped speaking. Only their assistants talk to each other. A-Rod spent time backstage at Madonna's Oct. 11 concert in NYC and Madge and A-Rod also spend time at the Kabbalah Center in New York, "the only place they can really hide out," according to a source. Another Madonna source insists that the A-Rod affair is orchestrated and less intense than it appears. "[Her manager] Guy Oseary knew Madonna and Guy were splitting, and didn't want this 50-year-old lady without a man," a source dishes. "So he brought her together with Alex." Oh, and while Madonna and Guy were together, she would taunt him, saying "I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual." Snap! Moving on: Mandy Moore and DJ AM are back together! "Since the accident, it's blossomed into something again," a source spills. The source says Mandy says life's too short not to be with someone you really care about. Britney has been wearing a ring that looks like the one given to her by Adnan Ghalib. Plus: "She's also written a song called 'Papi,' her nickname for Adnan," an insider says. There are four pages devoted to the Heidi Montag/Lauren Conrad "tearful reunion." Here's a quote from Heidi: "I am just sorry for getting caught up in this negativity. I got sucked into it, it got out of control." Sarah Silverman critiques red carpet pix of herself in a story called "My Worst Outfits Ever." Lastly, Lindsay's new leggings line is "an ode" to Marilyn Monroe, who, as far as we know, never wore orange cheetah-print stirrup pants (Fig. 5). LL says, "I think all women feel sexy in leggings."
Grade: D+ (rainwater)


Star
"Jen Pops The Question: "Marry Me!" Jen said she'd only take John back if they got married, and he agreed. On John's birthday, they went back to Jen's house in L.A. A source says: "She lit a bunch of candles and slipped into some lingerie. She owns a ton of it — especially garter belts. She doesn't wear them outside the house, but she wears them in the bedroom!" A "friend" says: "Jen surprised John with a striptease. She got this little red and black number online. Nothing too X-rated, just skimpy. She wanted to do something special, so she gave him a private show and sang "Happy Birthday," just like Marilyn Monroe did for JFK." The source must be the underwear drawer this week. Next! The cover claims that Madonna "sleeps in a plastic bag" but the story explains it's an "age-defying" regimen that involves slathering herself with $800-a-jar cream and wrapping herself in plastic. Moving on: Mandy Moore has refused to speak to her mother, Stacy, since March, when she left Mandy's dad for a woman. Mandy's older brother is getting married later this year, and Mandy has warned him that if their mother is at the wedding, she's not going. Blind item: "What former bombshell needs someone to come to her rescue? Her drug use has ruined her looks and foiled any hope of reuniting with her ex. Insiders say her career is the next to go." Ooh, a story called "Gossip Girl Stars Gone Wild." Apparently there are photos out there of 15-year-old Taylor Momsen "looking wrecked and kissing a female friend." Blake Lively acts "childish" on the set and whines, "How come Blair gets to have all the fun parties?" to the wardrobe department. She and Penn Badgley annoy the crew because one won't show up until the other one is ready. Ed Westwick showed up hungover to a photo shoot, ate three bagels to feel better, but ended up puking all over the ladies room. As for Chace Crawford, he's been making out with girls who are not even remotely attractive. A source says: "He can have any girl he wants, but he tends to hook up with the below-average ones." Leighton Meester's "mortified" that the news about her mom giving birth in jail was revealed; she was "always in tears" on the set and kept having to get her makeup retouched. Also inside: out-of-rehab Kirsten Dunst is still drinking. Lastly: Tina Fey's "secret weapon" is her husband: They've been married since June 2001 and they "met cute" in the theater. He's worked on every show she's done.
Grade: B- (tap water)


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• Meanwhile, a judge has ordered a woman from Iowa to stay away from her fiance on Monday after she bit his hand and drove over his foot. • The National Education Association says that male US teachers are at a 40-year low, with a measly number of them in early education. • A Canadian man is currently on trial for two counts of first-degree murder because two of his former girlfriends died from HIV-related cancers after he had unprotected sex with them and lied about his HIV-poisitive status. • Meanwhile, inSPOT, a website that provides free, anonymous STD-anouncement e-cards for people who have STDs to send to their former sexual partners has sent 49,500 cards since 2004. • Studies say that the often-recommended cup of coffee to cure headaches related to post-lumbar puncture procedures is not effective. • A 38-year-old New York man was charged with assault after he hit his 62-year-old girlfriend in the eye with a roll of toilet paper on Sunday. • A former HS cheerleader is fighting a RIAA lawsuit that says that she must pay $7,400 for pirated music she downloaded when she first entered high school. • Try to hide your shock: A new study reveals that the LAPD is more likely to stop and search black and Hispanic residents than whites. • Taffey Anderson, a mom from Oregon, says she plans on burning The Book Of Bunny Suicides, which her teenage son checked out from his high school library, because she thinks the book is "not OK."• An 85-year-old table tennis champion says that it is hard to find worthy competition in her age range. • Residents of the city of Plymouth in the UK are upset that a strip club that has opened near the historic Mayflower Steps will deter tourists from the area. • The lawyers of Lisa Nowak, the astronaut accused of attempting to kidnap another female astronaut, were back in court today fighting to keep away potentially incriminating evidence from being admitted into her trial because she was taken advantage of by the police when the evidence was obtained. • A study of university students has found that an emphasis on the way that skin cancer will ruin a person's appearance is the most effective way to get people to reduce their use of indoor tanning beds. •

Us
"How I Saved My Son." To be honest, we couldn't really get into this cover story. Meaning: refused to read it. Intern Margaret applauds Jenny McCarthy's efforts, but… yeah. Also inside: According to Jason Alexander, the guy that Britney married for 55 hours, he has renewed his friendship with Brit. Britney's rep denies this. There are two pages about Jen Aniston and John Mayer being back on: They spent the weekend together in New York! Plus: Shanna Moakler describes Travis Barker's skin grafts: "That's when they shave the skin off and then staple cadaver and pig skin right on, so the skin underneath can heal." Science! Lastly: American Idol's Nikki McKibbin wed her childhood rollerskating coach. She'll appear on the second season of Celebrity Rehab.
Grade: F- (silt)


OK!
"Young, Rich & In Love!" Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are YR&IL. They vacation together, work out in matching outfits and own million dollar homes. He's 21, she's 19. Yawn. Moving on: Kelly Ripa was at the Madonna concert and totally got to sing along when Madonna handed her the mic during a song! Is The Hills over? An insider says: "No one gets along anymore. Whitney moved to New York, Audrina can't stand to be in the same room as Lauren anymore, and they all want more money." Hey, ever notice how Katie Holmes and Mr. Spock look alike (Fig. 1)? Next, profound words from Eva Mendes: "My secret obsession is love. I love 'love!' I love being in love, and I love having someone be in love with me. Love is the sexiest thing in the world." So, this is probably bullshit, but there's a 2-page story about how even though they broke up 2 years ago, Cameron Diaz is still pining for Matt Dillon. "I'm sure she still thinks about him — a lot." a pal of Cammie's says.
Grade: F (sludge)


Life & Style
"I'm Pregnant!" If you care about The Bachelor's Trista Rehn Sutter, then you'll be interested to know she is knocked up again. Another story we refused to read. Moving on: Angelina bought the same dress in 6 colors (Fig. 2). Jamie Lynn Spears has been "struggling" to shoot down reports that she is pregnant again. "I'm not pregnant," Jamie Lynn says. At her concert, Madonna dedicated a song to "anyone with intimacy issues." Her marriage is "all but dead," says a source. Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes a cross as a gift for appearing on Broadway. The mag points out that it is more like a Catholic cross than a Scientology cross, which has eight points. But, it's actually a square cross, like the Red Cross. Whatevs. Lastly: A picture of Sarah Jessica Parker as a kid. Cute! (Fig.3)
Grade: F+ (sand)


In Touch
"I'm Not Anorexic." Basically this is a six-page series of articles calling out "scary skinny" actresses and explaining why they are so slim. Lindsay Lohan is on a "risky new diet" that involves Redline, an energy drink that promises to burn fat through a shivering response. Like a chihuahua? A doctor says it's pretty close to being an amphetamine. Anne Hathaway has eliminated carbs and sugar and become and "insane" calorie counter. Angelina Jolie is only eating 1,000 calories a day, and there's a chart so you can play along at home! The mag also claims that in those pix where she's wearing that black dress at the premiere of Changeling she's also wearing a "custom made corset." Could it be called "Spanx"? As for Keira Knightley, she is still insisting that she is naturally thin, but that doesn't stop the magazine from drawing arrows that point to her "thin arms" and "skeletal back." A pal says of Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock: "She works out 4 to 5 hours almost every day." Moving on: Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony came up with the idea for their second wedding at 12:30 am after seeing the Las Vegas Pussycat Dolls. The Hills' Justin Bobby speaks! He was overheard telling a pal he never hooked up with Lauren Conrad and it's all for the show. "When a group of blondes tried to ask him about it, he threatened to punch them," says an onlooker. Gossip Girl stars Taylor Momsen and Chace Crawford were spotted making out at two parties in NYC. Even though they go to the same school on Gossip Girl, in real life he is 23 and she is 15! Rose McGowan is going to marry director Robert Rodriguez after all: They'd taken a three-month break, but it's back on. Jessica Lowndes and Adam Gregory from 90210 are dating, if you care. Ooh, exclusive interview with Holly Madison: "There were a lot of people — not just Hef — who wanted me to pretend we were still together for the sake of the show." She also says: "I want to be out of there by Halloween. It is so awkward being there, because he is dating other people." Also! She'd been getting fertility treatments but the clinic told her pregnancy wasn't possible because Hef was too old. Next: An interview with Kelli Dawson, the woman who claims she had relationship with Casey Aldridge (he denied last week it in OK!) says: "I heard that [Jaime Lynn] told Casey she is pregnant." Lastly, a sausage-loving town in Rostov-on-Don, Russia, has an exhibition of masterpieces of art made entirely out of slices of local sausages and meat (Fig. 4).
Grade: C- (cyanide-processed gold ingot)


Star
"Stars Without Makeup." Well, they just did this EXACT SAME STORY in July, but here it is again. Intern Margaret says that in the "without makeup" pictures, they are all wearing makeup. Eyeliner or something. She also says they all look pretty damn good "without" makeup. Also inside: Rihanna was spotted sitting on Kanye West's lap backstage at a T.I. concert in Hollywood. "Before long, the two were full-on kissing each other," says a source. Scandalous! To mark her 55th birthday in January, Oprah is giving herself the gift of $500,000 in plastic surgery. Star actually creates before and after pictures so you don't have to use your imagination (Fig. 5)! Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have renewed their romance with intimate dinners at John's Soho apartment. She checked into a hotel, but it was just for show. A source says: "She actually spent her nights at John's place. They ordered sushi and watched movies and he played the guitar for her. She spent several nights there. And yes, they slept together. Jen says the sex is amazing and that she can't help herself — she's crazy about him!" Who is this source, the sheets? In Maureen McCormick's upcoming book, she discusses her sexual experimentation with Greg Brady, how she fell into coke, and it includes the following info: "A contractor named Harrison Ford made her a special hot tub with a hidden compartment she used to stash cocaine."
Grade: C (gold ore)


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Life & Style
"How We Make It Work!" Despite repeated headlines like "Breaking Point!, this week, the mag declares that Angelina and Brad are "Happier Than Ever." Moving on: Britney is filming some kind of reality show or documentary for MTV. That photo op where she presented a check to the school in The Bronx? That'll be on it. Madonna and A-Rod could be "back on" since they had dinner together last week. Is Janet Jackson canceling concerts because she is sick? Or because tickets are not selling and she doesn't want to see half-empty arenas? Rihanna and Chris Brown: Moving in together! They're looking at apartments in Sierra Towers on Sunset Boulevard.
Grade: F (hair-in-a-can)


In Touch
"Britney's Humiliating Betrayal." An insider says, "Kevin and Shar are having sex." Shar as in Jackson, Kev's ex-girlfriend and baby mama. A friend reveals that Kevin, who got about $13 million in his divorce settlement from Britney, pays for all of Shar's stuff: her rent, her phone bill and her day-to-day expenses. Which means that Britney's paying. Sigh. Moving on: Katie Holmes wants to move to New York. A source says, "Broadway has turned Katie into independent woman. LA is Tom's turf, but Katie feels more in control in New York." She's looking at apartments! Angelina and Brad want to adopt a daughter from Haiti, and they want a girl who is younger than Zahara. Right now, they have a total of six nannies. Also, a source says: "Behind closed doors, they're at each other's throats." Lastly: Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical just bought a $3 million house in Studio City, CA: She is 19.
Grade: D- (toupee)


OK!
"Casey Breaks His Silence: I'm No Cheater." The mag interviewed Casey and Jamie Lynn and went through each girl he was accused of sleeping with. Casey denies ever having sex with other chicks, like Kelli Dawson or Whitney Seals. He says: "There was never another girl pregnant ever. I'm 19. Jamie's the only girl I've ever had pregnant." Jamie Lynn says that one of those girls sold her story and in a small town, when one person does it, everyone decides, good idea. Casey and Jamie Lynn are engaged but they won't get married for a while, because they want their daughter, Maddie to be part of the ceremony. Casey is a full-time student at Southwest Mississippi Community College studying process technology, which prepares you to work on a pipeline. Jamie Lynn wants to get a business degree. Next: "They're Just That Into Drew!" is a charticle detailing Ms. Barrymore's many, many hookups. Some of these people are on the infamous herpes chart. (Fig 1). Lastly, in "How To Look Tall And Slim," the magazine explains how to do an angled hands-on-hips/one foot forward pose à la Victoria Beckham. Servicey!
Grade: D (plugs)


Us
"How She Got Thin Fast" This story begins as a vertical poster centerfold of two pictures — front and side view — of Angelina Jolie at the premiere of The Changeling. The story goes on to say that the family used to eat processed food like pizza and Hot Pockets and now they don't. But there is a picture of Shiloh holding Cheetohs. The mag says when Angie does break down and eat junk food with the kids, she uses portion control. Moving on: "Audrina vs. Lauren: It's War!" As we know, there is a rumor that LC slept with Justin Bobby. A source close to The Hills says, "Audrina herself spread the rumors to get more attention. Audrina is the one who gets the least attention. She was so jealous, she concocted this on her own." Spencer talked to Us and said: "The truth is, I did know about this, and chose to say nothing out of respect for Audrina's feelings." He is such a good person. Next: "Jen Vs. Britney: Guess The Body!" Now that Spears is super-svelte, can you tell her apart from Aniston? (Hint: Yes.) (Fig 2). Kendra Wilkinson was seen making out with Joe Francis in Miami. Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels say they're gonna get hitched now that gay marriage is legal in California. They exchanged vows in 2003 and have 4 children. Exclusive interview with Travis Barker, from the hospital! "I'm trying to have a quick recovery and play the drums again and be able to hold my kids again," he says. He had to stop being a vegetarian, because after his first three surgeries, the grafts would not take to his skin, due to his low levels of protein. He thinks if his last surgery goes well, he should be out of the hospital in the next two weeks. Lastly: Even though there were jokes about the obese child on Desperate Housewives, played by an actual obese child, the show's creator says: "We are not making fun of childhood obesity. We were trying to paint a portrait of a woman who doesn't know how to deal with her daughter's problem."
Grade: D+ (comb over)


Star
"Angie's Secret Tummy Tuck!" Angelina Jolie told some friends she had a "mommy tuck." It was done right after the birth of her twins and she recovered in the hospital for a few days. Then she spent the next two months healing at home. Says an insider: "She had a hard time sitting still and couldn't stop picking up the babies, so the stitches opened up a few times and doctors had to come fix it. She had a really tough, painful recovery. But now she's doing fine." Next: Peter Krause has been chasing Lucy Liu around the set of Dirty Sexy Money. The story called "Why She Can't Find A Man: Jen's Secret Struggle" is all about how poor Aniston has unrealistic expectations because no one can live up to Brad Pitt. Lastly, "I Married A Star" is a photo list of unfamous people who married famous people: Matt Damon's wife, Nicolas Cage's wife, Tina Fey's husband.
Grade: C (extensions)


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• Authorities from Australia and New Zealand are investigating Roman Hasil, an uncertified OB/GYN who lives in a homeless shelter in Australia, after patients complained of medical negligence and sexual assault, including one claim that he touched a patient's vagina and said "who is the boss now?" • Rev. Peter Mullen, a chaplain in England, said on his blog that homosexuals should have warning labels such as "FELLATIO KILLS" tattooed on their backs and necks to warn about diseases; he now claims the statements "light-hearted jokes" that were "in the tradition of English satire." • Ultra-Orthodox Jewish "modesty patrols" in Israel have been accused of physically attacking women they view as being immodest and torching stores that sell internet technology. • A study of young children attending an international school in Beijing found that girls have a harder time than boys adjusting in an environment where they don't fully know the language. • A recent study has found that female smokers require less tobacco exposure than men to increase their colon cancer risk. • Sentencing is scheduled this week for a rapist in London who was nabbed by authorities because of distinctive rings he wore (two gold sovereign rings and one rink marked "Dad") when he attacked and raped a woman. • Holly Budge was among the three skydivers who became the first skydivers to freefall over Mount Everest yesterday after 15 years of preparation.• The centuries-old tradition of "sworn virgins" in Albania, where a woman can claim to be a man and have all the rights of a man in exchange for celibacy, is dying out. • Author Marc Silver asks if a wife's cancer will lead to her husband's infidelity and finds out that... it really just depends on the husband! • A cleric in Saudi Arabia has asked Muslim women to wear one-eyed veils because having two eyes visible (and being able to gauge distances) is too seductive. • Recent studies have found that there may be a link between CMV, a common herpes virus, and malignant giloma, a deadly brain cancer. • After a scandal broke out in Para, a state in Brazil where a 15-year-old woman was jailed for weeks with men who sexually abused and tortured her, the Governor of Para has acknowledged that girls were being arrested by police to "expressly to provide sexual gratification for prisoners." • A recent study has found that pregnant women who get flu shots can greatly reduce the risk of their infants getting the flu and/or respiratory illnesses for that year. • Meanwhile, a study has found that babies who slept in rooms with fans were 72% less likely to die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. •

Us
"The Style Issue." The mag conducted a photo shoot and interview with Hilary Duff, Lauren Conrad and Taylor Swift. Five pages of these ladies talking about clothes. Yawn. Lauren says, "I've thrown out stuff after seeing my own photos." And: "I'm always trying to hide my thighs." Intern Margaret deems the cover story "stupid and boring." Next: As previously reported, Kirsten Dunst's teeth look very different on the cover of Bazaar than they do in real life (Fig. 1). Lastly, there's a picture of Shenae Grimes from 90210 carrying food (watermelon, grapes and a styrofoam take-out container) — maybe to counter the previous "too thin" story?
Grade: F (flagellation)


OK!
"Untold Love Story." How, exactly, is Lindsay's story "untold"??? Anyway: The article is all old stuff about her relationship with Sam Ronson, but one new thing we learned: A source says "[Lindsay] recently bought Samantha a Red Bull, kissing her on the forehead and mouthing, 'I love you.'" Also inside: Is Demi Moore expecting? She went to a restaurant with Ashton Kutcher and ordered a non-alcoholic beer. There are baby pictures of Muhammad Ali's grandchild, Curtis Muhammed Conway Jr. Mom is Layla Ali, dad is a retired NFL star.
Grade: F (flogging)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Baby Boom!" So the magazine actually printed this sentence: "First came marriage — and now comes the baby carriage for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon." A random source who saw Mariah at the airport says, "Mariah looked great, but she seemed to have put on a few pounds. Maybe she's pregnant — or at least planning on it!" Next up: Seven pictures of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on vacation Italy, including one seriously creepy nighttime picture where the paparazzo was clearly stalking them during an intimate moment. A story called "Wild Hot Nights With Michael Phelps" insinuates that he's dating Doree Walker, a 34-year-old former Miss Alabama, or Amber Peterson, of Sunset Tan (as seen on E!). Or Stephanie Rice, or Amanda Beard. Lastly: Drew Barrymore made out with Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick, but she's not exclusive with anyone. An insider says "She just wants a man and grabbed the young, hot one." Another source says: "She has a new tongue piercing and wanted to try it out."
Grade: D (cutting)


In Touch
"Jen's Had Lipo!" The headline of this story asks "Why Would Skinny Jen Have Lipo?" Intern Margaret says, "Maybe because you keep printing pictures of her in a bikini?" Basically a source says Jen had LipoDissolve on her butt and thighs, a procedure Britney Spears also reportedly had. It's an injection that removes unwanted fat, and because it's non-invasive, there's little recovery time. It's made from organic human compound, which sounds gross. Oh, and remember Jen's old nose? (Fig. 2) Also inside: More pictures of Jessica and Justin in Italy. Megan Fox may have spent $26,500 on her appearance: Nose job, lip injections and breast implants. Next: Angelina, Brad and the brood have moved to a 30,000 square foot mansion in Palais Schlosspark outside of Berlin with a private helicopter pad, which allows Brad to shuttle back and forth to the nearby set of Inglorious Bastards. Wolfgang Puck's restaurant CUT is decorated with celebrity portraits, and Heidi and Spencer now have their photographs hanging on the wall. Even though Tom Cruise loves to eat there, his picture isn't up. Meanwhile these dead-eyed portraits of Speidi will make anyone lose their appetite (Fig. 3). Jamie Lynn Spears is alone and Casey is sleeping on a friend's couch. Lastly: Lance Bass says, "It's scary for someone to come out because they know it will hurt their career — even now." In a sidebar called "Stars Go Public For Different Reasons," Lindsay and Sam join Clay Aiken, Ellen and Portia, Neal Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight in a gallery of gays.
Grade: C (spanking)


Star
"Angie Forced Into Therapy!" How does Angelina have the time to nurse newborn twins, take care of the other kids and move to Berlin and talk to a therapist? The mag says: "Angie started seeing the doctor daily for short power sessions, and has continued to get help via phone and web cam." Ah. The mag also says Brad "put her in therapy." Angelina thinks she's fat and barely touches her food. She's reluctant to be seen in public because although she's lost some baby weight she still hates her stomach. And she won't have sex with Brad because she doesn't want him to see her naked. Moving on: Someone yelled out "Prince" upon seeing Rihanna in London. Blind item: "What sexy actress has been anything but angelic on the set of her new TV show? Her costars are fuming after the dirty diva demanded more screen time and a bigger trailer." Chris Klein is losing his hair. Jennifer Aniston is in Mexico to hatch a plot to revive her lovelife, and her plan involves Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo had an Emmy party at his house and Jen was there; she brought beer and did an impersonation of George Clooney. A source says, "It was obvious she was in full-on cougar mode!" Next: Britney and Kevin hooked up several times at the Mondrian Hotel. Taylor Momsen, Katrina Bowden and Lindsay Lohan are "wasting away" (Fig 4). Mad Men's Jon Hamm had a troubled childhood; he was 2 years old when his parents got divorced. He lived with his mom, but she died when he was 10. Then he moved in with his dad and had problems with that. He says, "I spent most of my time sponging food from my friend's families and sleeping in their basements." He lives with his girlfriend, whom he's been dating for 10 years, but says: "I don't necessarily want kids. I don't know if it's for me. I think when people come from a stable family, having children becomes a celebration — and I'm not sure it would be that way for me." Also: Mary-Kate and Ashley both have boyfriends and the dudes hate each other. Lastly: There's a story called "Girls Gone Mild: Booze, Drugs, Sex Tapes — What Ever Happened To Those Good Ol' Days? These Hollywood Starlets Have Replaced Debauchery & Mayhem With Daycare & Monogamy!" and it features Nicole Richie, Christina Aguilera, Ashlee Simpson and more.
Grade: C+ (sitting in the corner with a dunce cap)


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Life & Style
"Devastated By Tragedy." Everything you need to know about DJ AM and Travis Barker's horrible plane crash. The mag choose Mandy Moore and Nicole Richie as cover subjects because they both had sex with AM at some point. Classy. Mandy has flown to see AM and Nicole apparently burst into tears when she heard about the crash. Moving on: Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown says," Curvy is the new thin." Is Taylor Momsen growing up too fast? She's fifteen and has been wearing very short dresses (Fig. 1). Lastly: Gerard Butler visited Jennifer Aniston's West Hollywood house around 5pm on September 20th and left 3 hours later, "grinning ear to ear." Was it a date?
Grade: F (toilet seat with blood on it)


OK!
"How I Stay Thin …But Keep My Sexy Curves." Kim Kardashian works out a lot! Even though the mag promises 5 ways to lose inches fast, it delivers 3 different things KK likes to eat: Crunch Bar Dibs, granola bars, chicken salad with almonds. Plus, she drinks water and likes to sleep. She wants to get in really good shape because she wants to have kids soon. Also, she's only 115 lbs but everyone thinks she's 130 because she looks bigger on TV. Next: Hugh Hefner says Sarah Palin would make a great centerfold. Lastly, Tom Cruise's sister Lee Anne Devette is running Tom's life; recently she's been going to his business meetings.
Grade: D- (toilet seat sprayed with piss)


In Touch
"Have They Split?" For the past two weeks, Brad Pitt has been on various business trips, which led Perez Hilton to report that he and Angelina Jolie had broken up. It's the same old stuff — he wasn't around! She might have post-partum depression! A source says when they were strolling in the garden, Brad tried to avoid her! (Intern Margaret says, "What is this, Pride & Prejudice?") There's a helpful graphic calendar of Brad's comings and goings for the month of September (Fig. 2) so you can keep track at home. Next: Drew Barrymore was spotted making out with her Whip It! co-star Landon Pigg. He's 25, she is 33; the mag questions if she is falling in love too fast. Meanwhile, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long are dunzo. Moving on: An "exclusive" interview with Audrina (was it supposed to be the cover story?) about moving out of Lauren Conrad's house. She reveals the "real reason" she had to move out: "I felt like a guest and it was uncomfortable. It also didn't have enough storage space." She has purchased a 3 bedroom Tuscan-style villa in the Hollywood Hills. "My master bedroom has a balcony and beautiful views of the whole city. And there's a waterfall in the back." Well, you deserve it, Audrina. You've done so much! Also inside: Jessica Stroup and Dustin Milligan from 90210 are hot and heavy and there's a picture of them making out. Whitney from The Hills may be back with her ex, Ben Lyons. Verne Troyer has a new girlfriend, a 22-year-old model named Dominique. Vanessa Minnillo says: "My goal is to be acting and winning an Oscar." 10 stars who conquered eating disorders include: Jessica Alba, Anne Hathaway, Geri Halliwell and Portia de Rossi.
Grade: D+ (warm toilet seat)


Star
"Inside Suri's Lonely Life." Intern Margaret LOL'd at the cover line, "The Secrets She Tells Her Dolls." The story is all about how Suri uses baby talk to tell her "friends" the things she dreams about: A little sister and a pet. Apparently Suri went to the Build-A-Bear store with her dad, after hours, and the magazine offers extensive analysis of the stuffed animals she picked out: Bunny Big Ears, a stuffed beagle, a monkey, and a bear. A source says Katie is willing to get Suri a dog or cat, but Tom isn't. "He doesn't want pet hair on their nice furniture, or a dog or a cat jumping up on Suri's nice designer dresses." Moving on, there's another awesome headline on this Lindsay Lohan story: "Booze, Coke & Cutting!" Basically in the past few months Lindsay has been drinking, snorting coke, taking pills and showing up with cuts on her arm. She slips drinks under the table and when she drinks she craves cocaine. She was at a L.A. house party in August, got trashed and passed out before midnight and Sam had to put her to bed. Sam also hides razors from her. Also inside: Miley Cyrus has developed a vocal cord nodule and might need surgery. Blind item! "Which A-list actress is going bald? Sources say that too much styling and too few vitamins are causing her trademark red locks to fall out in clumps, and she's been wearing wigs to hide it." Lastly: In a "Diva Demands" story about what stars' contracts require backstage, Mariah Carey specifies bendy straws, Cristal champagne, Diet Coke, seltzer, Snapple and apple juice. Her tea must be made with Poland Springs water and her deli turkey has to be sliced precisely wafer-thin. Beyoncé needs juicy baked chicken: legs, wings and breast only; HEAVILY SEASONED!! Mary J. Blige insists that housekeeping not vacuum near her room and demands a brand new toilet seat, two humidifiers and a sofa of fine fabric, no leather.
Grade: C- (no toilet paper)


Us
"A Gossip Girl's Untold Story" As reported by Star earlier this month, Leighton Meester comes from a crime drama family. Her mom, Connie, was in jail serving a 10 year sentence when she gave birth to Leighton; he father, Doug, had also been arrested and served time for marijuana possession. Her mother wasn't small time, either: Connie helped smuggle 1200-pound shipments of marijuana on small private planes from Jamaica to the U.S. with her sister and elderly father. Even though she plays snooty Blair Waldorf, Leighton says,"It's hard for me to relate to people who were born with silver spoons in their mouths." She went to Beverly Hills High but didn't fit in; they made fun of her clothes. Question: Do we think she's had a nose job? (Fig. 3) Her 2002 nose seems different from her 2004… Next: Leo DiCaprio and Bar Refaeli are back on. Hugh Hefner says his relationship with Holly Madison is "in transition." Seems like she wants kids and he says it's not in the cards. But! Someone is moving out and getting a spinoff show, who could it be? A story called "Can You Believe They're The Same Age?" is fairly interesting: Sienna Miller and Britney Spears are both 26; Megan Fox and Amanda Bynes are both 22; Angelina Jolie and Drew Barrymore are both 33; Shannen Doherty and Mary. J. Blige are both 37; Courteney Cox and Sarah Palin are both 44.
Grade: C (toilet paper that won't come off of the roll)


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• A recent study has found that children who have less than 3 family dinners a week are two and a half times likelier to smoke pot and tobacco than children who have family dinners 5 or more times a week. • A survey of 3,000 people in England has revealed that "phenomenon" is the most mispronounced word. • A UK study has found a small number (35 out of 769) of cerebral palsy cases in children whose mothers were given the antibiotics erthromycin and co-amoxiclav due to premature labor, but researchers maintain that the development of cerebral palsy was not directly related to the antibiotics. • A synagogue in San Francisco has created a prayer for anonymous sex (or "unexpected intimacy") which is meant to be read after the encounter. • Female conservative politicians in Spain were outraged when a male Spanish politician recounted the loss of his virginity in a brothel to a television interviewer, thereby "encouraging" young people to patronize prostitutes. • A female Saudi journalist asks the Saudi government to hire Saudi female nurses and encourage women to go into the nursing profession instead of bringing in nurses from overseas. • British and U.S. scientists report that there are nearly 7 million pregnant women in sub-Saharan Africa who are infected with hookworms (a parasitic worm that lives in the intestines) and are thus at risk of maternal anemia. •

Life & Style
"Forced To Live A Lie." The cover story is mainly rehashed stuff about Britney's past — her lip syncing, her boob job, etc. Then there's a story about Britney's kids' birthday party: Lynn and Jamie Lynn attended, and it was the first time that Sean and Jayden met little Maddie. Jenny McCarthy's son and Gwen Stefani's son were also guests at the party. Britney looks totally normal in jeans and a sweatshirt. Next: Lindsay's wearing a "massive" heart-shaped diamond ring on her engagement finger. Her rep denies that she's engaged; sources say she bought the ring herself at an antique store in NYC. Also inside: Jennifer Lopez is "Superwoman" because she did a triathlon in Malibu and threw a surprise party for Marc Anthony in NYC on the same day. Funny how she recovered from the "foot injury" that kept her from judging Project Runway! Lastly: Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli's on-again, off-again relationship is off.
Grade: F (broken toilet)

Ok!
"Miley's New Man." Miley Cyrus has been hanging out with a cute 20-year-old underwear model by the name of Justin Gaston — he's a also an aspiring country singer who was once on Nashville Star. Miley's dad Billy Ray introduced Justin to Miley and they've gone to church together a couple of times. His MySpace page says, "I love Jesus." Here's a picture of Justin in his underwear (Fig. 1). Also inside: Ben Affleck and the Geico Caveman are surprise look-alikes. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (broken Bakelite bangle)






In Touch
"The Richest & Poorest Stars." Intern Margaret suffered through eight pages of "completely random factoids about celebrities and money." It's all been previously reported, but the among the "poorest" seems to be Rihanna: There are rumors that she only has $20,000 in the bank. Ruben Studdard owes $200,000 in State and Federal taxes. Among the richest: Simon Cowell, who owns a $14 million house in London and a $20 million mansion in L.A. Next: Jessica Simpson says her "abuse" song is not about John Mayer. "I don't talk about my relationship with John Mayer anymore, because it's disrespectful to the man I'm in love with, and it's just… done." Plus! On Newlyweds, the parts where Nick and Jessica were fighting were edited out, because Jess's dad was a producer on the show. Also inside: Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester and Blake Lively don't speak to each other unless they have to. Pam Anderson and Mickey Rourke made out at a nightclub in Toronto. Ashley Olsen has asked Mary-Kate Olsen not to be involved with their higher-end fashion line, The Row, because MK parties all the time and doesn't take the business seriously. Is Lindsay Lohan cutting herself? There are inconclusive pictures of her taken after the MTV VMAs with what could be cutting scars, but also they sorta look like they could be old (Fig 3). While Jennifer Aniston was in Toronto for the film festival, she flirted with Gerard Butler at a party.
Grade: D- (warped vintage 78s)

Star
"Nicole Moves Out!" Apparently, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have been fighting and she keeps "storming off." Except the first time Nicole "stormed off" she went to her mom's house and came back the next day; the second time, she "stormed off" to Fashion Week and Joel joined her the next day. Then he walked out on her… by heading back to L.A. For the MTV VMA party. Where he was spotted flirting with Mischa Barton. It doesn't seem like Nicole actually moved out. Blind item! "What young diva was singing 'S.O.S' at the register when her credit card was declined? She said she'd come back to pick up the Gucci shoes another time, but she never did." Portia de Rossi plans to change her name to Portia DeGeneres! She and Ellen purchased stationery engraved with "Mrs. & Mrs. DeGeneres" from Tiffany and used it to write thank-you notes to their wedding guests. Jessica Simpson had a bad performance on Good Morning America because she stayed out late at a Marc Jacobs Fashion Week party the night before and got sloshed. Also: The back of her skirt blew up while she was singing on TV and she wasn't wearing undies. "The Brangie Bunch's Pigpen Castle!" story is about how the chateau is a mess: Maddox and Pax have set up an erector set in the front foyer, and the boys have toothpaste wars with Zahara and Shiloh. Maddox leaves blue hair dye all over the house. Angie lets them color all over the walls. When they go dirt biking, Brad doesn't make them wipe their feet when they come inside. There's more on Miley Cyrus's dude in here, with another underwear pic. Five-foot seven-inch Keira Knightley weighs only 99 lbs. She went to several parties where she didn't eat anything, only drank, and at one, she asked for a glass of water and when she stood up to drink it, she collapsed. Also thin: Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock (Fig. 4). Lastly: "Bristol Palin Stole My Guy" is about Levi Johnston's ex girlfriend, Lanesia Garcia, who used to be BFF with Bristol. Bristol urged Lanesia to break up with Levi, and as soon as she did, Bristol started dating Levi. Lanesia and Levi started dating at 12 and lost their virginity to each other at 15 and used protection. Just so you know.
Grade: C (stained Saarinen chair)

Us
"Too Thin For TV." The new stars of the new 90210, Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup, are pretty damn skinny. According to the mag, Jessica is 5'8" and 100lbs; Shenae is 5'3" and 90lbs. But! Both ladies weighed more (118 and 120, respectively) before they started the show. What is going on? A show source says, "I've never seen Jessica or Shenae eat." Another source says," They both smoke like chimneys." The pictures are disturbing (Fig. 5). Next: A French journalist asked Eva Longoria if she was pregnant and she said, "No, I'm just fat." Bristol Palin's future kid will "be in good company," the mag claims, because these people were also born to teen moms: Selena Gomez, Jack Nicholson, Debi Mazar and Barack Obama. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is being tutored at home in his French chateau. Homeschool! Lauren Conrad and Project Runway winner Christian Siriano are designing gowns for the "Emmy girls" who present statues during the awards show.
Grade: C+ (Steelcase tanker desk)

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OK!
"Brit Hits Back!" Most of the "exclusive" information in this issue is from that interview the mag ran like 3 weeks ago. We do learn that Britney's album will be released by late December. Her dad's conservatorship will run out by December 31 (and probably won't be renewed). In the new year, she wants to go back to court and get 50/50 custody with Kevin. Also inside: In a "Summer Fling To The Real Thing" story, we learn that Justin Long and Kirsten Dunst are still together. Lastly: "Sarah & Todd's Love Story" is about Governor Palin's marriage. Apparently they got married in a courthouse in Alaska in 1988 and didn't have witnesses, so they had to go to the nursing home next door and round up some old people; they had one lady in a wheelchair and one with a walker.
Grade: F (cachexia)


In Touch
"Katie's Seeing Her Ex." Joshua Jackson showed up at the Broadway theater where Katie Holmes has been rehearsing All My Sons and brought flowers; therefore this cover blares she is SEEING her ex. Also, the mag speculates that she is pregnant, because she was seen wearing layers and sweaters and once held a briefcase in front of her shirt. Next: Brad's cracking under the pressure of raising six kids. He seems tired and at the Venice Film Festival he said, "Sleep is something you long for, but it' alright." Eva Longoria might be pregnant because she only drank water at a party in Vegas. Britney's MTV "comeback" is "controversial" because Rihanna should have won some of the awards Brit rece