One less bell to answer? One less egg to fry? Hell, after a mani-pedi I'll be just fine, thank you. Okay, maybe after a pint of Chunky Monkey as "Last Goodbye" blasts 75 times.

Are you listening, Elin Nordegren? If you dump Tiger, even after all the humiliation, you'll be back out there in no time.

In an article that reads like a high school student auditioning for a job at Cosmo, Molloy explores - unsatirically, it seems - every shitty stereotype about gender and relationships. Although she titles her piece "Tough guys less willing than women to dive into dating pool after breakup," there seems to be no reason for the focus on the brokenhearted guy's "toughness." Yet she keeps at it:

Big, bad, tough guys are devastated when women leave them, while gals tend to jump right back into the dating pool, a new poll says.

The men who answered the survey are expected to be "tough guys" simply because they are men, and all penis-bearing people should be categorized as tough guys. And they shouldn't have emotions or icky, girly stuff like that. They should all be strong, silent and we must assume, deeply misogynistic. However, Dr. Keith Ablow points out that online daters are a selective pool of subjects, and may not accurately represent all men. "Men who gravitate toward those sites may do so because they're rejection-sensitive," he said. "They may use the computer as a filter." Unlike the Don Drapers of the world, who Molloy points to as an example of a paragon of masculinity, online daters are just a bunch of wimps. Or, to put it another way:

Men were programmed in the caveman days to club their woman over the head, but now even approaching a babe in a bar can trigger fear.

Meanwhile, women, like elephant seals, may just want a larger selection of potential mates.

We also apparently want our mates to treat us like crap. Another expert, Francine Kaye, weighs in on What Women Want. Speaking for ladies everywhere, she argues: "The demands of the workplace have changed us, and brought out our more masculine side. We're taking that home with us...bullying our men into submission. We don't actually want men like that, and we end up resenting them for not being...fearless." Working may have made us into masculine, ball-busting bitches, but all we really want is a fearless man who can put us in our place. Molloy takes this to mean that we are all secretly "yearning for a bit more caveman." Yes, she is actually advocating for the type of man who is "programmed" to club a woman over the head. Fortunately, we have a one-syllable response ready for this type of dude - and this type of "trend" piece: Pshaw.

Tough Guys Less Willing Than Women To Dive Into Dating Pool After Breakup [NY Daily News]

You'll note that the word "manifesto" is separated into two parts, so that men, who apparently need to be reminded how to be men, will be able to identify that this is a very manly ad campaign. The word "man" is right there! And just in case men didn't get the memo that Dockers were some hardcore ass-kickin' gender-defining threads, the man-ifesto itself is filled with sexist, homophobic, patronizing bullshit that speaks, in Campbell's Chunky Soup badass font, to what is apparently a target demo of 17 year old douchebags in order to promote the notion that wearing Dockers is akin to be a true grown up. Because there's nothing as adult as being marketed to by the same type of people who used sassy fonts and bad-ass lingo in your youth to try convince both you and your parents that "when pizza is on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime," right?

Let's break this pants-ifesto down, shall we?

Once upon a time, men wore the pants, and wore them well. Women rarely had to open doors and little old ladies never crossed the street alone. Men took charge because that's what they did.

Ladies, were you aware that men took charge in the olden days because "that's what they did?" Or were you too busy in the kitchen, where you belong?

But somewhere along the way, the world decided it no longer needed men. Disco by disco, latte by foamy non-fat latte, men were stripped of their khakis and left stranded on the road between boyhood and androgyny.

Translation: if you don't wear khakis, you're totally gay.

But today, there are questions our genderless society has no answers for.

Oh man, ladies. If we had a quarter for every time someone in our genderless society asked a question that had no answer, we'd, well, we'd be making an equal wage with our male counterparts.

The world sits by idly as cities crumble, children misbehave, and those little old ladies remain on one side of the street. For the first time since bad guys, we need heroes.

The whole bloody world is falling apart because YOU didn't buy your father his Dockers for Christmas! Now is a time for heroes! The first time since...bad guys, whatever the hell that means.

We need grownups. We need men to put down the plastic fork, step away from the salad bar and untie the world from the tracks of complacency. It's time to get your hands dirty. It's time to answer the call of manhood. It's time to wear the pants.

Amen, am I right? Thank the lord that men in khakis will finally swoop in to "untie the world from the tracks of complacency." And what kind of bro eats salad!? Whatever! You need to get in line with the anti-khaki disco crowd, bro! Salad! Lattes! East Coast elitism! Men in khakis will finally save us from the world of...other men in khakis!

Can I tell you something about Dockers? My father loves them. Wears them when he's golfing or on a casual business day. They are stain resistant and wrinkle free. They look nice with a sweater or a golf shirt. They are sturdy and reliable and reasonably-priced and my mother has been buying them at the mall for approximately 20 years.

Now let me tell you something about my father: he's helped to raise three daughters, he takes his job very seriously, helps neighbors and friends whenever he can, and has been happily married to my mother for over 35 years. My father is a grownup. This ad campaign is not aimed at my dad. It is aimed at men who have absolutely NO intention of growing up, but every intention of claiming every stereotypical "man" role as a means to act as if they've crossed some great developmental threshold. If anyone has to grow up, it's the advertisers who keep pushing this sexist, backwards bro culture down everyone's throats.

[Dockers]

A reader named "Victim? In Virginia" recently wrote into Dickinson's "Ask Amy" column looking for clarification on an event that happened during a frat party she attended, noting that she was intoxicated and agreed to go to a room with a man who promised he would not do anything inappropriate with her.

"Many times, I clearly said I didn't want to have sex, and he promised to my face that he wouldn't," the reader writes, "Then he quickly proceeded to go against what he "promised." I was shocked, and maybe being intoxicated made my reaction time a bit slow in realizing what was happening." Looking for clarification that she had indeed been raped, the reader later asks, "if I wasn't kicking and fighting him off, is it still rape? I feel like calling it that is a bit extreme, but I haven't felt the same since it happened. Am I a victim?"

Here is Dickinson's charming response:

Dear Victim?: First of all, thank you. I hope your letter will be posted on college bulletin boards everywhere.

Were you a victim? Yes.

First, you were a victim of your own awful judgment. Getting drunk at a frat house is a hazardous choice for anyone to make because of the risk (some might say a likelihood) that you will engage in unwise or unwanted sexual contact.

You don't say whether the guy was also drunk. If so, his judgment was also impaired.

No matter what — no means no. If you say no beforehand, then the sex shouldn't happen. If you say no while its happening, then the sex should stop.

She then goes on to quote a passage from RAINN's website regarding drinking and rape and encourages the girl to get tested for STDs and pregnancy, and to "see a counselor to determine how you want to approach this. You must involve the guy in question in order to determine what happened and because he absolutely must take responsibility and face the consequences for his actions, just as you are prepared to do. He may have done this before."

It's incredibly alarming that Dickinson feels the first thing an obvious rape victim needs to hear is "well, you were drunk, so you were asking for it." Closing her advice with a bit about facing the consequences of her actions, as if getting drunk at a frat party is equivalent to RAPE, is also quite disturbing; the language Dickinson uses seems to evenly place the blame on both parties and make light of an incredibly dark situation, as if the girl should just go up to her rapist and ask him to fess up at the counselor's office so that both of them can move on and he can finally stop, you know, raping people, just as she can stop drinking too much at frat parties.

Dickinson may want this letter posted at colleges across the country as a means to scare young women out of drinking at parties; after all, it's their fault if they get raped, right? It's not about a larger rape culture, or a modern masculinity that promotes the notion of "no means yes," or the incredibly tired parade of victim blamers who still insist that rape is the fault of any woman who dares to drink at a party or wear a skirt or walk down a street at night or go into a room with a man she trusts or dance a certain way at the club or, you know, be born with a vagina.

Perhaps Dickinson is right after all. Her advice should be plastered around college campuses. They could even build an entire course around it: Rape Culture And You: Victim Blaming 101.

Rape Question A Matter Of Consent [Chicago Tribune]

[Image via SomeECards]

In this first commercial, which Margaret posted last week, the woman promoting the shoes is checked out twice by the cameraman, who just can't help but zoom in on her backside. "Excuse me," she says to the cameraman as he blatantly checks her out, "I take it you agree?" She then smiles as if being objectified by some cameraman is the best thing in the world. Charming.
Here, the shoes show a female body, without a face, to promise that using the shoes will ensure that "88% of men will be speechless, 76% of jealous, and 0% will know the reason is on your feet." Because those are the only reasons women care about fitness, right? Not because heart disease is the number one killer of women, and not because they want to live healthy lifestyles and feel good about themselves, silly! Women only work out for the benefit of men and to ensure that other ladies are "just jealous."

This super classy ad, the worst of them all, shows a woman's breasts—and only her breasts—complaining about being jealous of her butt, which has improved since she started using EasyTone sneakers. "Make your boobs jealous!" a male announcer says at the end of the commercial. So now it's not even enough to make other women jealous, you have to make your own body parts turn against each other. My boobs actually felt sorry for my brain when it had to process the amount of bullshit in these three ads, and my eyes were jealous of my toes for being tucked deep in my socks, away from this sexist mess. Thanks, but no thanks, Reebok. You can kiss my butt, and my money, goodbye.

You see, in Palin's eyes, anyone who supports a woman's right to choose apparently might have "the mind-set" that allows them to pull the plug on Grandma or force women to terminate pregnancies if the baby is not, in Palin's words "normal or perfect." It is, of course, another attempt on Palin's behalf to scare the shit out of people with her "death panel" nonsense, and her attempt to step it up a notch by tying in her stance on abortion rights (or, rather, lack thereof) just makes things more repulsive. "In order to save government money, government health care has to be rationed," Palin told the crowd, "[so] than this elderly person that perhaps could be seen as costing taxpayers to pay for a non-productive life? Do you think our elderly will be first in line for limited health care?"

Palin also took the time to drop this laughable statement: "It is so bogus that society is sending a message right now and has been for probably the last 40 years that a woman isn't strong enough or smart enough to be able to pursue an education, a career and her rights and still let her baby live." You know what else is bogus? That Sarah Palin continues to position herself as a savior of women's rights when her entire platform essentially rests on taking them away.

Palin Rallies Thousands Of Abortion Supporters [Politico]

Angela Chase once claimed that she loved Halloween because it was her "one chance all year to be someone else." This, I suspect, is true for most people, who jump at the chance to be a vampire or Sexy Alexander Hamilton or a giant Cup of Noodles come October 31. But ladies, if this article proves anything, it is that a dumbass bro in costume is still a dumbass bro, and no costume is great enough to cover the stench of douche that emanates from the type of man who would read this article (and find it hilarious.

The author, David Breitman, attacks feminists (naturally—women as human beings, what?!), women who wear masks (clearly covering up a "butterface," the author notes) and "fat chicks," who, the author has many choice words for. This section is so unbelievably bad that it actually out-douches the paragraphs about not sleeping with underage girls because the "she dressed like a whore" defense is no longer holding up in court:

Large women are a lot like killer whales. Desperate for attention, consume massive amounts of raw fish, and need to be taught right from wrong on a pretty regular basis. By sleeping with a chubby gal who thinks that her double D breasts are, in any way, attractive is just fooling herself. If breasts, regardless of size, are propped up by a sumo-sized stomach, it doesn't count as sexy and by looking at them you're just re-enforcing bad behavior. Do you want to be part of the problem? Or part of the solution to try to get fat girls off of the streets and on a one way sewage barge to Australia.

This is the kind of thing we have to put up with in a Tucker Max world; this shit is considered to be "hilarious!" by the folks at Spike, who push their idiotic brand of testoste-bro misogyny on the rest of the world in some weird attempt to equate being a "real man" with hating any woman who doesn't fit their dumbass 19-year-old frat boy model of femininity or attractiveness. This isn't just a "funny" Halloween article for the bros (another point off—it's not even funny. Jokes about Colin Farrell movies? In 2009?), it's also another excuse for bro culture as a whole to push their "shut up, bitch" agenda as far as they can.

Breitman advises his readers to "try a playful line like 'Hi, I'm Dave - Can you please take your mask off so I can make sure you're not ugly?'" What he doesn't realize is that he's just taken off his own mask to the women of the world, and ugly doesn't even begin to describe it.

The Top 10 Girls To Avoid At A Halloween Party [Spike]

[Image via CostumeKingdom.]

The list, which was written by a woman, would be infuriating if it wasn't so incredibly dumb. Women are cruel, according to this list, because they "don't pick up their phone," "emotionally manipulate men," and "criticize their men in public." Miller trots out every tired stereotype there is to complete her list, including "withholding sex," in an attempt to make some sort of stand against an "acceptable" cruelty that has gone on for way too long.

Miller seemingly fails to recognize that these aren't just cruel things that women do to men, they are cruel things that people do to people. This list could easily read "Top 10 Things Total Jerks Do," or "Top 10 Signs You Are In An Unhealthy Relationship" though that would destroy the author's basic argument, that it's more appalling when the "fairer sex" (yes, she went there) is cruel, as ladies aren't meant to do such things, and that women (and women alone, apparently) should be ashamed of such behaviors.

Lines like this: "In general, women are much more emotional than men and it's easy for some women to use a man's complete incomprehension of female feelings to get something out of him," and "For most men, sex is as important as breathing, so withholding it in order to get something she wants or simply to punish her man for his transgressions is a pretty awful thing to do, even if it is effective," also show a nice heapin' helpin' of sweeping generalizations towards both genders on Miller's part, as men portrayed as idiotic weaklings who are bandied about by cruel and horrible women and their wicked ways.

I typically rip these pieces apart, but the site isn't worth the trouble anymore; it's just a land of stereotypes and stupid articles meant to play into the target audience's belief that women are just bitches who need to step in line. Don't believe me? Check the comments:

Dan says:

@ woman:

Shut your hole. All three of them.

lol says:

Nice article. The fact that so many chicks are mad at this article and one even went as far as to call it misogynistic shows how much the realization that they're total bitches hurt them. Good job =)

At least "Oh please" is fighting the good fight:

Oh please. says:

Holy sexist stereotypes, Batman! My god, could this be any more stereotyped? Clearly the author of this article knows nothing about either gender, since these so-called "cruel things" can apply to both men and women.

Good try. Not really. Let me know when you join the rest of us in the 21st century.

Top Ten Cruel Things Women Do To Men [AskMen]

The application works by breaking women down in to 24 set types. Once a man identifies the "type" of woman he's after, it provides him with tips on getting her to sleep with him, giving helpful hints like directions to hotel rooms and links to facts that might impress a certain "type," as well as a means for the man to brag about his conquests on Facebook or Twitter. High class, sassafrass! Don't you wish your date was gross like me? Don't you wish your date was a creep like me? Don't cha?!

Here's how it works:

1. Identify Her Type
Got your eye on a girl, and aren't sure how to get started? Pick out her profile, flip the card, and study up quick with a cheatsheet on the stuff she's into, with lists, links and some surefire opening lines. (Surefire to what, we won't say.)

2. Keep a List
Get lucky? Add her to your Brag List. You can include a name, date and whatever details you remember.

3. Brag
You got it? Flaunt it. Keep your buddies in the loop on email, Facebook or Twitter.
Here's who you get:

Artist
Aspiring Actress
Athlete
Bookworm
Businesswoman
Celebrity
Cougar
Dancer
Foreign Exchange Student
Goth Girl
Indie Rock Girl
Married
Military Girl
Nerd
Out-Of-Your-League Girl
Political Girl
Princess
Punk Rock Girl
Rebound Girl
Sorority Girl
Treehugger
Trouble
Twins
Women's Studies Major

Ah, yes. Can't leave out the twins or the women's studies major who really just wants to be swept away by your iPhone seduction skills, bro. It's going to be so easy to score with AMP energy drink on your breath and a list of incredibly generic "types" in your pocket. All you need is a fresh Ed Hardy shirt and a spritz of Axe body spray and you are good to go! Jon Gosselin will even pick you up so you can spend the night spending his children's education fund on cubic zirconia earrings together, bro! Everything's comin' up douchebag!

There's a reason why I go after bro culture as often as I do: things like this, which are completely unacceptable and ridiculously offensive. This is a program sponsored by a major corporation that encourages men to look at women as objects to be won, used, and tossed away after a "victory" is obtained, and the more normalized things like this become, the worse off we're all going to be.

If the rationale is that the target audience for AMP energy drink is filled with pathetic douchebags, then perhaps instead of continuing to feed this audience and encourage this kind of behavior, we should offer them something different and stop shoving bro culture down everyone's throats as if it's totally acceptable to Tucker Max-it out at all times. Until then, the best we can do is to mock it mercilessly; if people actually think this kind of thing is attractive and effective, they'll continue doing it, but if it's ripped apart as often as possible, the "awesomeness" factor of stupid crap like this might be dulled a bit.

I have said it before, and I will say it again: I am just really tired of bros, man. It would be nice to turn on the television one day and not see some dude completely dehumanizing women as a part of some asinine "game" in order to promote deodorant or soda pop or body wash, but I guess there isn't an app for that yet.

App To Help Men Score And Tweet (by Pepsi) [Inventor Spot]
AMP Up Before You Score [App Shopper]

The man allegedly sent sexual messages to his daughter, describing the acts he wanted to perform with her, and asked her to meet him to experience such things. According to UPI, one of these messages read: "Not many other fathers and daughters are this brave, so not many of them are so lucky to experience all these pleasures." He signed all of these messages "Bad Daddy." Ugh.

The girl, who is indeed brave for being able to handle this mess, reported the horrific messages to her mother, who subsequently set up a sting with the cops, and the father, thinking he was going to meet his 13-year-old for sex, was then Chris Hansen-ed by police, who caught him with "an unopened box of condoms and a camera and tripod from his vehicle, along with a digital camera, camcorder, computers and data storage devices from his home." Four other men were also picked up in the sting, and "Big Daddy" now faces charges of "unlawful contact with a minor (related to involuntary deviate sexual intercourse), unlawful contact with a minor (related to statutory sexual assault), and criminal attempted incest."

Lancaster Man Busted For Allegedly Sexually Propositioning Biological Daughter On Facebook [Fox43]
Dad Allegedly Propositioned Girl Online [UPI]

Goldman, who admits that she wasn't raised in a "naked home," and that she still finds "the bare female form pretty foreign," just wants everyone in the dressing room to cover themselves up, as the sight of her fellow gym patrons in the nip offends her sensibilities:

As I scampered from the shower to my locker, clutching a threadbare gym-issued towel barely wide enough to cover me, I caught sight of a doughy naked woman, her nipples the size of salami slices, holding aloft a compact as she carefully plucked her eyebrows. I was so distracted by her brazen nudity - by the boobs, folds, moles, and thatch - that I walked right into an open locker door, prompting the kind of woozy spell that, had I been a cartoon character, would have been accompanied by chirping birds.

Ah yes, the "doughy naked woman" with large nipples. God forbid she dare to pluck her eyebrows (a beauty standard pushed by magazines like...Marie Claire) naked. Who the hell does she think she is, not having a body like Angelina Jolie and being comfortable enough with herself and her naked body to take care of her damn unibrow with her apparently not-Lea-Goldman-approved boobs hanging out? The nerve of some people!

Goldman goes on to describe the other horrors she's witnessed in the locker room: women clipping their toenails (quelle horreur!), brushing their teeth (dental hygiene! Disgusting!), and watching women "slather lotion on their haunches like they were being filmed for the Spice Channel." What Goldman fails to realize is that the women in the locker room are merely lotioning their legs: the seedy Spice Channel aspect of it is a product of her own imagination, which apparently goes into overdrive the second she steps into the ladies room. "The locker room is no place for that kind of preening," Goldman argues. Then what the hell is the locker room for?

I will admit that I've always been shy in public changing rooms: I am the kind of person who mastered the ol' bra-switcheroo-through-the-shirt-arm-hole as soon as I was old enough to wear a bra, and who often changed for swim meets or softball games in the privacy of the bathroom stall, instead of changing in front of my teammates. But my shyness was the product of my own body image insecurities: I was always afraid I didn't match up to my teammates (and that they would mock me, like Goldman does to her fellow patrons).

However, as I got older and left the high school locker rooms for swankier gyms, I was forced to face my fears and share locker room space with women of all ages, shapes, and sizes. Seeing other people walk around naked is weird, yes, but over time I began to view the women who walked around naked as confident and secure: they didn't really give a shit what I thought about them, and I admired that. After a while, I didn't think about them at all; they were just other patrons, going about their business, and I suspected that they felt the same about me. I still do the bra switcheroo at times, but I'm working on it.

Goldman claims she hasn't made peace with her body yet, and that, I think, is why she feels the need to tear down the bodies of others (and why she assigns such disgust to everyday tasks like brushing one's teeth or putting lotion on one's legs). I suspect that Goldman's disgust, in the end, is really a misplaced jealousy: she cuts these women down so brutally because she envies the fact that they aren't as horrified by their bodies or the less glamorous aspects of personal grooming as she is. Goldman wants everyone else to cover themselves up for her own benefit, but it would be much more beneficial if she got over herself and realized that her attitude toward fellow women was more "horrifying" than anything she could possibly see in a locker room.

Bare Naked Ladies [Marie Claire]

I know you think it's super cute to put Bella in a romper and bring her to Stop & Shop in your giant purse, but Bella is not a child, nor is she an American Girl doll to be accessorized with seasonal attire from an overpriced catalog. She is an animal. A living, breathing thing. If you want to put something in a ridiculous tutu, buy a damn Fashionista Barbie. If your dog needs a warm coat for the winter, that's one thing, but can we all just stop putting our animals in stupid costumes for our own amusement? They deserve a bit better. They at least deserve better than Bud Light and cardboard. Ugh. No wonder that dog looks like it hates you. My dog hates you, too, and he doesn't even know you. We're about to come walking in your neighborhood without a stack of poop bags, and whoever you are, you deserve it.

To Boldly Wear What No Dog Wants To Wear [Wag Reflex] via [Neatorama]

In a piece for the Daily Mail, titled "Revenge Is Writing A Film About The Girl That Dumped You," Neustadter describes how "Jenny Beckman" (who also gets a shout out for being the "bitch" who broke his heart in the opening credits of the film) loved him, left him, and inspired him to write his hit film. I'm not sure what the point of the piece is, as it's basically a reiteration of the film itself, but I suspect it's just a means for Neustadter to a. publicize his film, and b. twist that knife into Jenny Beckman's back one more time.

Neustadter reveals how writing the film pulled him out of a depression after Beckman hurt him, noting that though writing the script, he was "able to liberate myself from my own misery. I'm two years into another relationship and have never been happier." Ugh. Dude, we know. You, like every other dude who has written the tale of a guy who "finds himself" through an empty shell of a character, is totally better off now that the pretty lady has broken your heart and improved your record collection. The smugness of the article is irritating: one expects him to shout out a band and put on twee dance number as he reminisces about his failed relationship and the success he gained from it.

Even more irritating is the fact Neustadter's premise, that revenge is writing a movie about a girl who broke your heart, doesn't hold up, as he admits that Jenny, his ex, didn't even recognize herself as Summer, the character played by Zooey Deschanel in the film. Neustadter is amused by this, but he shouldn't be: it serves to prove that you can't exactly get revenge on someone by creating a version of them that never really existed. Summer Finn is Neustadter's vision of Jenny Beckman, all beauty and mystery, but, as Jezebel contributor Doree Shafrir notes in a piece for the Daily Beast, Summer Finn is never developed as a person as much as "a vehicle for Tom to realize his goals and dreams." Perhaps Beckman doesn't see herself in the film because, well, she's not in the film.

While it's understandable that Neustadter would want to celebrate the film's success, it's getting a bit tiring to watch Manic Pixie Dream Girls be held up on screen for being pretty and strange (and, ultimately, empty) and quickly dismissed afterwards, as a learning experience, or a means to reach greater things. The Jenny Beckmans of the world may be heartbreakers, but they're real people, too. Maybe next time, if Neustadter wants his ex-girlfriends to recognize themselves in his tales of love gone wrong, he should try to draw them as actual human beings.

Indie Dream Girls [The Daily Beast]
Revenge Is Writing A Film About The Girl Who Dumped You [Daily Mail]

Dr. Pat Allen, one of the many doctors unleashed upon us by Oprah Winfrey, who honestly needs to have her Doctor Referral license stripped based purely on her promotion of Dr. Phil alone, is a sassy psychotherapist who has dating down to a science. Like most dating experts, she claims to have the real keys to success, as far as finding Mr. Right goes. She's currently on a whirlwind tour to promote her book, "The Truth About Men Will Set You Free...But First It'll Piss You Off!" a tome dedicated to the notion that if you want to date men, you need to be as shallow as possible: "Don't worry about what he's going to think about your job, family, background, friends…he just cares about how you look." Oh, thank god! And here I was, looking for someone who gave a shit about something besides my hair.

Allen recently gave an interview to the Examiner, wherein she elaborated a bit on her dating techniques. Interviewer Erin Laurence asks a few questions, and Allen gives...interesting answers. Let's explore them a bit, shall we?

Erin Laurence: What do women need to know before hitting the dating scene?

Dr. Pat Allen: First, you have to know the category of man you want. Women want generally. "I want a man who has old money from a good family." Men want specifically. "I want her. "

Oh yes, because "I want her" is much more specific than "I want a man who has old money from a good family." And oh, those women! Always looking for the walking ATM, they are. Golddigging whores, the lot of you! Perhaps if you were more specific, you'd get what you wanted, just like the men do. Why can't you be more like men, ladies? You are all so confused!

EL: How important is being in good shape?

Dr. PA: The best bodies get the best money. It's based on statistics. Rich women are thin unless they're from another culture where men have freedom to have many women.

Dirtiest trick for a woman is to get him off the market and then break his toy (gain weight). Women say, "All you want from me is sex. " And the answer is yes.

So, in short, you need to be rich to "trap a man." And women who gain weight are just dirty, manipulative bitches who are clearly trying to break a man's spirit, and penis, apparently. Or maybe they're just poor. What the hell is this lady talking about?

EL: What is dressing for the family?

Dr. PA: It looks preppy. It likes like "good school," "neat slacks." It's the sweater that matches and is tied around the neck.

Every woman can dress for the man she's looking to attract. Old money dresses preppy. New money dresses trendy. If you like really brainy nerds, then you can wear nerdy clothes. If you like athletes then dress for an athlete.

If you're a good girl and you dress sexy when you meet him, he might say to you, "You used to dress sexy and now your square."

You can't make a first impression twice.

Oh heavens, don't be a square! How dare you dress sexy and then wear sweatpants! Tramp! Harlot! Misleading whore! You knew what you were doing in that skirt. And now you dare to be square? Men don't like women with more than one aspect to their personality. Don't you girls know anything?

EL: What shouldn't you wear?

Dr. PA: Don't wear silk, silk sweats and shows anxiety. I don't want you to sweat in front of him. It gives away the store. Then he can muscle power you into sex. And you give away the whole thing, all because you wore silk. Men are very visual.

I was not aware of this, you guys. Did you know this? Pit stains on your silk shirt give a man a license to "muscle power you into sex." And because you're such a sweaty tramp, you allow this to happen. What were you thinking, Silky McGee? You got nervous, and now a guy can have sex with you whenever he wants. You were totally asking for it, what with your normal bodily functions reacting against a fabric. Thanks again, Oprah. Maybe next month we can visit Dr. Phil and have him yell at us for being born with a vagina, as that gives men the right to "muscle power" us into doing whatever the hell they want, too.

I understand that Allen is going for the superficial here: her book title alone claims that "the truth" about men, namely, I'm guessing, that they making instant judgments about women based on their appearances, will "piss you off." But it's not the obvious "a first impression means a lot" advice that's so infuriating: it's the notion that a woman deserves to be treated a certain way based solely on her clothes. Sweating through silk is not a license for a man to push you into bed, sticking to the same style simply to please a man is not a healthy way to start a relationship, and gaining weight while you're in a relationship isn't always some stealth (and insane) plan to "trap" your poor, defenseless boyfriend into having a sexless life. Allen may think she knows the truth about men, but it would serve her well to consider realities that go beyond "game" and bar pickups. Allen's men all want you to play a role and be someone you're not, and Allen seems to think that's perfectly fine. Perhaps next time she'll consider that women don't have to lose themselves in order to please somebody else.

Stylish Dating Tips You Don't Want To Miss [Examiner]
The Truth About Men Will Set You Free...But First It'll Piss You Off! [Amazon]

Readers were asked to vote in relatively benign categories such as "Biggest Trendsetter" (Winner: Michelle Obama), and "Sexiest Couple" (Winner: Brad and Angelina). But the poll also includes a few doozies: "Which Celebrity Is Most In Need Of Therapy," being one (the readers chose Lindsay Lohan) and "Who do you think is the most promiscuous celebrity?" As you can see, out of the six celebrities nominated, four were women. Paris Hilton, according to America, is the most promiscuous of all. America, you are as predictable as this poll is stupid.





Remind me again what promiscuity has to do with a Summer Pop Culture poll? And why is Lindsay Lohan, who has obviously been in a relationship (albeit a rocky one) for quite some time now, even on this list? What the hell does this have to do with the other quiz questions, like, say, if you'd want "Samantha Who?" to come back on the air? Are we that desperate for quiz questions that we need to throw out a "Who's the sluttiest, America?" in Parade Magazine? Here's a question for you: "What is the stupidest poll question of Summer 2009?" Ding ding ding! We have a winner. For shame, Parade! Howard Huge deserves better.

Summer Pop Culture Poll [Parade]
Michelle Obama Picked As Big Trendsetter [UPI]

[Universal City, August 9. Image via Getty]