Knowing that it's all coming to an end makes one want to frown with one's eyes—or "frize." Jennifer was frizing when she learned that she would have to immediately go back to the Hawaiian mansion, pack her bags, and go home.

It confusing that she was so let down, because according to Jennifer, she doesn't usually succeed at anything.

Erin also went home, but at least they touched up her roots beforehand.

Did anyone else notice that eyebrows have totally been the theme of this cycle?

Which means that we're left with Nicole and Laura as the final two. This is good news, as Nicole does stuff like this:

And Laura says stuff like this:

In this clip, J tells the story of how he came out to his mother, or rather, how his mother pulled him out.

1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

More on Barbie toe.


Marisa also gave other modeling tips, like don't touch your boobs, keep your mouth closed, and pose to the side.


But just like Tyra, Marisa doesn't like it—or even realize it?—when girls are taking her direction too literally.

Guess who was the inspiration for the shoot? President Obama. Because they were in Hawai'i, Tyra wanted to do a shoot inspired by "the world's most famous hapa."


This isn't the first time that ANTM has done blackface—or had a confusing, high-concept approach to cultural awareness. For a photoshoot back in Cycle 4, the girls were each assigned a race different from their own that they were supposed to embody for a Got Milk? ad, while also holding a child. Brittany was made to be African-American.


Tatiana was "biracial."


Noelle, who is biracial in real life, was made to be "African".


Naima, who is a mix of several different ethnicities, was made to be Swedish.


And back in Cycle 2, for a shoot in which the girls had to each portray a different famous person, Xiomara was given dark makeup in order to pose as Grace Jones. I remember that she was wearing a thong, and when she got off the wall she was leaning on, she had left two distinct butt marks from her makeup. I'm sad that I can't find a picture of that anywhere.


And just when we're starting to believe all of Tyra's hype that all shapes, sizes and colors are beautiful—and eligible to compete for a useless title on this show—we learn that being short still sucks.

Tyra asked Scott and his girlfriend about their sex life, but you can tell by the faces that she's making that she didn't really want to know the answer.


Eventually, Tyra gave up and had the audience ask the sex questions. Things got inappropriate from here.

1.) Synergy
Jon Gosselin's answer when asked for his thoughts on the Balloon Boy hoax:



We're thinking that Balloon Boy might give the same exact answer when asked for his thoughts on Jon Gosselin wiping out his family's bank account.

2.) Tricia Walsh-Smith threatened to walk off The Insider.
She didn't understand that people were telling her that she is smart.

BTW, why does The Insider consider Marla Maples part of "The Real First Wives Club"?

3.) "Tardy for the Party" is based on a true story.

Kim might have another hit on her hands, thanks to Jimmy Kimmel.

4.) A different type of tardy at the party
I love Kim's wasted face.

5.) The best excuse for tardiness
Courtesy of Bridezillas

6.) Spry seniors
Larry King's promo picture for his blog is awesome.

And this week, Elizabeth Taylor took Paris and Prince Jackson to Universal Studios theme park.

7.) Courtney Cox was a menstruation pioneer.

8.) What Al Reynolds is up to now
Musical theater-y things, regurgitating, and not being normal. His words, not mine.

9.) Tyra colonic
Last Friday, Tyra featured a colonic on her stage, which the host claimed was the First! Ever! Televised! Colonic! Except it wasn't. I remember Dave Navarro getting one on his reality show about his marriage to Carmen Electra. Tyra also said that a colonic was "the opposite of diarrhea." In fact, a colonic is the opposite of that. It is diarrhea, and it drips down your leg.

10.) A lesson on life from Judge Judy

As always, Tyra is there to provide confusing advice that she expects the girls to follow, but not completely follow.



Kim Kardashian was the guest judge. Tyra introduced by saying, "She has her own reality show, she is the co-owner of Dash boutiques." Wouldn't it be relevant to talk a little bit more about Kim's "fashion" experience? Hasn't she actually modeled (and not just for Playboy)? Didn't she start out as a celebrity stylist? Isn't she designing a line for Bebe with her sisters? Maybe Tyra doesn't care.



BTW, Erin's eyebrow roots are coming in. It's kind of disturbing.



And now…












And my personal favorite:

1.) Who farted?
Bigger than the mystery of whether or not this whole thing was a publicity stunt is the mystery of which Heene family member's heinie gave a Bronx cheer.


Entertainment Tonight is all over this thing.


2.) Speaking of potty humor…
I love this girl.


3.) "Well, fuck you."


4.) 12¢ Cheeseburgers


5.) Wendy Williams fucked up a lot this week.
More than usual.


6.) This kook says she's spoken to Michael Jackson since he died.


7.) Balloon Boy will not steal Jon Gosselin's thunder!
This week Jon was, again, all over The Insider and Entertainment Tonight (which led to the lawsuit TLC filed against him today). After his appearance in court earlier this week, when a judge ordered him to return $180,000 he took from Kate and his children, Jon appeared tense. Here, he explains his clenched jaw.


Entertainment Tonight managed to get Rod Stewart's opinion on Jon, as though Rod is some kind of father of the year. (Rod's children have, in fact, been on reality TV, and one of them appeared on Celebrity Rehab, which is a giant parental fail.)


8.) Asians don't need Botox, according to Jon Gosselin.
But he would like to get new hair plugs.


9.) Jon is trying to distance himself from Michael Lohan.


And that's probably a good thing, considering that Lindsay's dad filmed an episode of Maury this week, which, as of yet, has no scheduled air date.


10.) 30 Rock is back!

I was literally so disgusted by the girl who eats her scabs that I had to mute her segment, but in this clip, Tyra talks to the booger girl and asks her what her favorite snot consistency is.


Tyra is obsessed with popping pimples and recently got hooked on watching internet footage of others doing it (and we can't blame her). She showed a reel of her favorites to the audience, but the most offensive parts were blurred out in the broadcast.

The mothers of the little potty mouths recorded their children cursing, and sent the tapes into Tyra. Once the boys were on the show, however, they wouldn't say shit if they had a mouth full of it.

First of all, when you have a crazy woman in a wig smiling at you while saying stuff that she believes is brilliant but actually makes absolutely no sense like, "Strong photo, weak film," or "What killed you in a negative way…" you'll feel a little fucked up.

Secondly:

Thirdly:

(It's extra scary when the Jabberwockies make facial expressions by using their hands!)

Also, when a giant, psychedelic snail enters the room, accompanied by a slimy man in 10 tons of makeup, things are not normal.

All of this would give anyone else a bad trip. Nicole is remarkable in that she can take this all in stride and chew her gum.

One last thing: What the fuck is up with Lil Mama's hair?

When I was in third grade I had this friend Nicole whose dad left her mom for another woman. Nicole's mom was our lunch mother and she was probably my first introduction to depression. She would sit in the playground during recess and read Harlequin novels with sexy covers, and had completely abandoned keeping up with her dye job so she had hair exactly like Lil Mama. The sad, divorced mom look is not working for her.

1.) Flash Dance
This week on So You Think You Can Dance?, some woman flashed her crotch, and Fox gave her a flesh-colored blur, leading these ABC News correspondents to wonder whether or not she was going commando.

2.) Barbara disses Mariah's boring story on The View.



The interview was preempted for the breaking news that Chicago did not get picked to host the Olympics. When The View returned, Mimi's dog appeared.

3.) This.

4.) Jesus wanted John Phillips to have sex with his daughter.
Because he knew it would help Chynna sell her new album.

5.) Tyra has a knack for discovering people who are really good at being assholes.

6.) Tyra also finally discovered Objectum Sexuals.

7.) Check out this hot ticket on Judge Judy.

8.) So not glitz.

9.) Kim doesn't like anything "cheesy" or "cheap."
So don't let the wig fool you.

10.) NeNe bitches out Lara Spencer.