• Jon Gosselin's (possibly ex) girlfriend Hailey Glassman says Jon lied when he said he was spending Thanksgiving at his grandma's, and was really snowboarding. [ONTD]

• Tobey Maguire assured his wife Jennifer Meyer she has nothing to worry about when it comes to his love scenes with Natalie Portman in Brothers. It's called "acting." [Page Six]
• Susan Boyle cried after singing on The Today Show, and some upstanding person got it on video. [UPI]
  
• Kathleen Turner and her daughter spent Thanksgiving feeding hungry seniors. [NYDN]
• Rashida Jones refuses to answer questions about her possible relationship with John Mayer. How many people can John Mayer be "possibly dating"? [Page Six]
• Tyler Perry is being sued for stealing song lyrics for a song in Madea Goes to Jail. [NYDN]
• A launch date has been set for the Spice Girls musical nobody asked for.[The Sun]
• Jermaine Jackson claims that the recent suicide of the father of the accuser in Michael Jackson's child molestation case proves that Michael was innocent. Many might say the opposite, since the accuser's father was widely criticized for "selling" his son to Jackson for millions of dollars. [TMZ]
• Tila Tequila will agree not to sue a porn site that she claims shows her stolen sex tape if they pay her $280k. [TMZ]
• MacKenzie Phillips claims she's been "uninvited" to her family's Thanksgiving this year, which would no doubt be extra-awkward. [Access Hollywood]
• Rihanna's former neighbors are arguing because one of them harassed Rihanna while she lived next door. [TMZ]
• Boy George claims to be off drugs for good. [Daily Express]
• Avril Lavigne was spotted making out with a "dead ringer" for her ex-husband Deryck Whibley the other night. [Page Six]
• Pete Doherty could face a murder probe in the death of a man who fell or was pushed off a balcony after an argument with Doherty and others. [The Sun]
• Gwyneth Paltrow has dedicated the latest edition of her Goop newsletter to the memory of her father, Bruce. [The Mirror]
• Eminem says he should be a judge on the British talent show The X Factor. [The Sun]
• Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted in the Bahamas with his ex, supermodel Bar Rafaeli. Those two just can't stay away from each other. [Daily Express]
• With Dubai in financial trouble, Brad Pitt might have to scuttle plans to build a hotel there. Aww. [Guardian]
• I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here's Jordan begs Peter Andre for a reunion. [The Sun]
• Zac Efron says Guardian interview went "to a weird place." [Guardian]
• Posh Spice learned her lesson and left a good tip at Medieval Times during her most recent outing to the theme restaurant/theater. Question: Why does Posh Spice have to go to Medieval Times? [TMZ}
• In addition to every other reason to hate him lately, Michael Lohan is over $15k behind in child support payments. [TMZ]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger owes nearly $80k in back taxes. But probably not for long. [TMZ]

• Jennifer Hudson will sing for President Obama, Michelle Obama and their guests at a state dinner tonight.

I love that the Obamas love their Chicago gal. She should always be at the White House. For some reason, I am imagining a scenario in which JHud sings "And I am telling you… I'm not going…" And then actually refuses to leave. [ET]

• Miley Cyrus went for burgers, and when the counter person asked her name to mark the order, the teen dream said: ""Are you serious? You don't recognize me? I'm Miley Cyrus." The counterperson shrugged, having no idea what that meant, and replied: "That's nice for you. Here is your order. Have a good day." [Page Six]
• Wow, Carla Bruni is going to be in a Woody Allen movie! "I don't know for what role but I said yes," she explains. And she admits she lacks experience as an actress: Perhaps I will be very bad." [WSJ]
• Judi Dench was filming a Christmas special set in the 1840s when she lost a crown on her tooth. ''There wasn't time for me to change,'' she says. ''So I was in my wig and bonnet and all my clothes. I went into the waiting room and sat and registered, and everyone kept looking at me. When I got in to see the dentist, he said: 'Are you busy working at the moment?' I was wearing a full wig with curls." [Telegraph]
• BREAKING: Amber Tamblyn got eyelash extensions. [Page Six]
• Jon and Kate might be over, but the Jon Gosselin drama lives on! The breach of contract suit against him — in which TLC claims be took on unauthorized work — persists. Now there are — you guessed it — phone call recordings between Gosselin's manager and (who else?) Michael Lohan. [MSNBC Scoop]
• At the link, you can listen to a recorded Jon Gosselin rant about TLC and say: "I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet and they never got paid for it." [Radar Online]
• Mariah Carey was on GMTV in the UK, and the host of the show says: "She had two people to lower her on to the GMTV sofa, in case her dress got crushed, one person to walk in front of her backwards at all times in case she fell over and several people behind the camera making sure she was going to be filmed from the right angle! Oh, and she brought her own toilet roll as well." [The Sun]
• Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds partied all night for ScarJo's birthday, and ScarJo and RyRen looked so in love and everything was wonderful and their life is perfect. [Page Six]
• Regis Philbin will be away from Live with Regis & Kelly for a month while he recovers from hip replacement surgery. Be well Reege! [NY Post]
• Emma Watson has a new boyfriend, Spanish rock star Rafael Cebrian. Allegedly. [Page Six]
• Amy Winehouse spent thousands on "saucy" underwear, perfume and a rhinestone-enrcusted whip over the weekend. According to a source, "Amy loves showing off her new boobs and wanted to get sexy underwear to make the most of them. She couldn't resist getting a few other bits and pieces, like the whip." [The Sun]
• Remember when Nicole Kidman said she'd "explored obsession" and "strange sexual fetish stuff"? She takes it back, sorta: She meant when acting! "That's what I said in relation to my work. In terms of my work, yeah, I'm interested in exploring love and so that comes in all different forms. In terms of my private life, I'd never reveal what I've explored in my private life." [Daily Express]
• Just because Taylor Lautner is on the cover of Men's Health and Taylor Swift was on the cover of Women's Health doesn't mean they're in competition with each other. Jeez. [Page Six]
• A film about Lil' Wayne is controversial? You don't say. [CNN]
• For some reason I hallucinated that Cougar Town was cancelled. Instead it was just on a break while Courteney Cox dealt with a "family matter" and will be back filming on November 30. I would love to do a "when do you think Cougar Town will get cancelled" pool, though. [People]
  
• Neve Campbell talks about living in London, getting ready to film Scream 4, her "terrible" fashion mistakes in the past, her work with an orphanage in African and "working the Sidney bob" for the Scream flicks. [BlackBook]
• Timbaland says he did not delete Chris Brown's vocal from a track called "The One I Love" due to the drama in Chris' life — "Chris is a friend to us," a rep for Timbaland claims. But Chris is missing from the song. [E!]
• 50 Cent settled the lawsuit he filed against Taco Bell after the fast-food chain used his name without permission. The dollar amount has not been disclosed, but 50 was asking for $4 million, which buys a lot of 99¢ tacos. [NY Post]
• Tyler Perry has donate $1 million to the NAACP. [WaPo]
• Spencer Pratt bet some DJs that Heidi Montag's performance at the Miss Universe pageant was the most-watched performance of all time and now he wants his money. [TMZ]
• Jeez, the Aerosmith dramz is never-ending. Joe Perry is not speaking to Steven Tyler and seems generally hostile about the situation. [MTV News]
• It appears that Pulp Fiction writer Roger Avary is updating his Twitter account and Tweeting. From JAIL. [The Wrap]
• Rosie O'Donnell raised money for her Rosie's Broadway Kids charity not by offering trips or prizes or dinners — but by working the room. [Showbiz 411]
• Poor Kirk Cameron. Going to a UCLA to convince students that Darwin's theory of evolution is wrong really backfired on you, huh? The students totally know what they're talking about when they say Darwin had evidence. [TMZ]
• Tila Tequila claims a sex video that recently popped up on a porn site was stolen from her laptop two years ago. She's planning to sue. [TMZ]
• There will be a Susan Boyle documentary on the TV Guide Network? Isn't that the one where the channels scroll all day long? [NY Post]
• Little Richard is recovering from surgery and asks for your wop bop a loo bops and prayers. [USA Today]
• Whatshername would like to apologize for her behavior since her divorce. [BBC News]
• "I knew what tone I wanted for the book, and it was a matter first of coming up with an outline, getting the characters, the ending, and then figuring out how to get from one point to the next. I'd send [a chapter] to [my collaborator]. He'd come back with some notes. If there was something I felt strongly enough about, then we'd talk about it to see if it would work. The book had to sound like I wrote it." — Al Roker, on his new mystery novel, The Morning Show Murders. [The Daily Beast]
• "The difference between you and me is that even when I wash my hands, I can't get it out of my mind that they're not clean. I have to go back to the sink, I can't even continue with my day. I have to leave the party, leave work. Those thoughts are so intrusive and on a continual loop that I can't inhibit it. Everybody has irregular thoughts, but not like this… I'm probably the only guy set up for these book signings hoping no one will show up. I don't want to face anyone, look anyone in the eye. Who, with my condition, would do a book tour right in the middle of H1N1 flu season?" — Howie Mandel, whose book, Here's the Deal: Don't Touch Me, hits stores today. [USA Today]
• "Why are people embarrassed about elderly sex? I hate it when I'm given a script in which the guy's wife is dead. That's just an easy way to dispense with having sex. Audiences don't want to see Big Daddy and Big Mama in bed – but I like to talk about it." — James Earl Jones, who plays Big Daddy in the all-black stage version of Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, now in London. [Guardian]
• "We have gotten ourselves into a big, deep hole in the way that we look at healthcare. We are in a system where they get money when we're sick. That's never going to work for us. So when someone says, 'You don't need a mammogram until you're 50,' you take charge of that. I don't trust any of that." — Melissa Etheridge. [People]
• "We were working 12 hours a day, so it didn't leave too much time to eat." — New Moon's Ashley Greene on staying thin. Then her publicist nudged her, and she said: "We had a personal trainer and then we also had fight training." [Ny Daily News]
• "It took us only six months to get married, but it took us five years to commit to making a movie together." — Tao Ruspoli, who made the indie flick Fix with his wife of seven years, Olivia Wilde. [Page Six]
• "I'm all set [with a boyfriend]. But unfortunately not everyone out there is and it's tough to date, to be out there and so I kind of wanted to portray that other side of women's reality and [my song] 'Did It Again' is about making recurrently the same mistake which is something us women tend to do because of our emotional nature, that emotional, romantic and dreamy nature." — Shakira. [AP]
• "He plays guitar and has a great voice. Kids and dogs love him. He loves his mom and sister and girlfriend. He's perfect... too bad he's ugly." — Natalie Portman on Jake Gyllenhaal. I know she's kidding, but I do suspect he's had a nose job. [Mirror]

Precious, which opens today in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Atlanta, is based on the novel Push by Sapphire and executive-produced by Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry, who came on board after its screening at Sundance. The film is set in late 80s Harlem, where 16-year-old Claireece Precious Jones (Gabourey "Gabby" Sidibe) is facing more hardships than it seems one person should ever endure. Her mother Mary (Mo'Nique) physically and emotionally abuses her and she's pregnant by her drug addict father for the second time. She's illiterate and mostly quiet (at first), but has an elaborate inner life the film portrays in fantasy sequences. When Precious is threatened with expulsion because she's pregnant she's offered the chance to transfer to an alternative school. Her new teacher, Blu Rain (Paula Patton), and Mrs. Weiss (Mariah Carey), a social worker, help Precious begin to deal with the abuse she's suffering.

While a less elegantly done movie could have fallen into several syrupy clichés about underprivileged kids learning to love themselves with the help of an attentive mentor, critics say the film avoids these pitfalls. The story is inspirational and (as Latoya writes) surprisingly hopeful, but it doesn't gloss over the ugliness of Precious' life and she doesn't overcome a lifetime of abuse in two hours.

Critics mention all the main leads as Oscar contenders, particularly Sidibe and Mo'Nique. Happily, most of the reviews focus on Sidibe's incredible performance rather than her size, with the notable exception of David Edelstein's New York Magazine review, which some found infuriating. A few critics question why all of the positive protagnoists are portrayed by light-skinned actors and Slate's review calls the depiction of Precious' reality "poverty porn". A roundup, below.

The Wall Street Journal

Precious is genuinely and irresistibly inspirational. If the filmmaking weren't so skillful and the acting weren't so consistently brilliant, you might mistake this production for a raw slice of life from a Third World country where movies can still be instruments of moral instruction and social change. If Ms. Sidibe weren't playing the title role, it's hard to imagine what Precious would be. She doesn't play it, she invades and conquers it with concentrated energy and blithe humor.

The Chicago Sun-Times

Sidibe is heartbreaking as Precious, that poor girl. Three other actresses [Mo'Nique, Paula Patton, and Mariah Carey] perform so powerfully in the film that academy voters will be hard-pressed to choose among them... This casting looks almost cynical on paper, as if reflecting old Hollywood days when stars were slipped into "character roles" with a wink. But Lee Daniels, the director, didn't cast them for their names, and actually doesn't use any of their star qualities. He requires them to act. Somehow he was able to see beneath the surface and trust that they had within the emotional resources to play these women, and he was right... The film is a tribute to Sidibe's ability to engage our empathy. Her work is still another demonstration of the mystery of some actors, who evoke feelings in ways beyond words and techniques. She so completely creates the Precious character that you rather wonder if she's very much like her.

Salon

What Daniels seems to recognize, perhaps even unconsciously, is that even though this is supposed to be Precious' story, for most of it she's a passive, if sensitive, receptor: The forces swirling around her provide most of the drama's dynamics. And within that context, Sidibe's performance is understated but alert. It's not her line delivery that gets to you, but the cautious curve of her smile, a smile in which she indulges only occasionally. When we see her going off to her first day of school, the blue plastic beads she wears around her neck are a dash of visual confidence, offsetting the shyness of her lumbering carriage.

New York Magazine

I'm not judging girls who look like Sidibe in life, but her image onscreen is jarring to the point of being transgressive, its only equivalent to be seen in John Waters's pointedly outrageous carnivals. Her head is a balloon on the body of a zeppelin, her cheeks so inflated they squash her eyes into slits. Her expression is either surly or unreadable. Even with her voice-over narration, you're meant to stare at her ebony face and see nothing. The movie is saying that she's not an object, but the way that Sidibe is directed she becomes one. It's only in a couple of heavy-handed fantasy sequences (she emerges from a theater in a bright-red gown to popping flashbulbs) that her eyes are windows to the soul.

Entertainment Weekly

In her first dramatic role, the comedian Mo'Nique acts with such force that she burns a hole in the screen. Her Mary is raging and defeated, a woman who treats Precious as a slave - and I don't use the word lightly, since part of the film's power is its perception that these two are living out patterns of cruelty that go back for generations. Their agony has roots. What's terrifying about the abuse here is how casually it's accepted as a fact of life, by both perpetrator and victim.

The New York Times

Mary, brimming with rage, thwarted love and plain meanness, is a character bound to provoke discomfort. Even otherwise misogynistic hip-hop artists will pay tribute to the heroism of African-American mothers, and to see that piety so thoroughly dispensed with is downright shocking. Other provocations are more subtle but no less pointed. There are virtually no men in this movie. Precious's father is glimpsed briefly in flashbacks of his assaults on her, and in the fantasy sequences that provide escape from her pain Precious hobnobs with handsome boys, but otherwise the only male character of significance is a hospital worker played by Lenny Kravitz. Otherwise, Precious's cosmos, for better and for worse, is a universe of women: the social worker (Mariah Carey scrubbed of any vestige of divahood); the teacher, Ms. Rain; her co-worker in the remedial education program, played by the comedian and talk show host Sherri Shepherd; and Precious's fellow students. These characters all can be seen as surrogate mothers, aunts and sisters, who together provide Precious with a more functional family (to say the least) than what she has at home. But their love is also enabled by institutions and government policies. An unstated but self-evident moral of Precious, set during Ronald Reagan's presidency and based on a book published in the year of Bill Clinton's welfare reform, is that government can provide not only a safety net, but also, in small and consequential ways, a lifeline.

The Los Angeles Times

Like the book, the dialogue is graphic and politically incorrect. Precious' first child, a daughter, is called Little Mongo, because of her Down syndrome. When the teenager finds one of her teachers is a "straight-up lesbian," she says so before going on to list all the things homosexuals haven't done to her. With Mary, meanwhile, it's not so much the words themselves that shock, though it sometimes seems her vocabulary doesn't extend beyond four-letter words, but the molten lava underneath them.

Reel Views

Precious ... manages the task of being both heartbreaking and heart-warming, all without resorting to the kind of manipulation so often evident in dramas about underprivileged kids trying to improve themselves. There are pitfalls inherent in this kind of story, but indie director Lee Daniels sidesteps them, crafting a feature that is both emotionally honest and stirring. Precious spends time in the urban trenches that are often used as a colorful backdrop for other less true films; here, they are integral to the essence of the characters, places where acts of supreme horror are dismissed matter-of-factly. Ultimately, Precious is a story of one young woman's embrace of self-worth in these circumstances, but that discovery does not come without a price.

Rolling Stone

When I tell people how good this movie is - and I can't shut up about it - they flash me the stink eye. As in "Yeah, right, like I need to sink into a depression coma for two hours watching a fat, illiterate, HIV-positive Harlem girl get knocked up (twice) by her daddy, brutally battered by her mother and laughed at by a world eager to pound abuse on her 16-year-old ass." Won't you dickheads be surprised. Precious ... tunnels inside your head, leaves you moved like no film in years and then lifts you up in ways you don't see coming. Despite the pain at the story's core, the movie has a spirit that soars.

The Village Voice

Hothouse melodrama one moment, kitchen-sink (and frying-pan-to-the-head) realism the next, with eruptions of incongruous slapstick throughout, this may be Daniels's stab at finding a cinematic analog for the novel's inventive, naïf-art language-a film style, like Precious's writing style, seemingly being made up as it goes along. Yet even when the movie is at its most schizoid, Precious still packs a wallop. What Daniels lacks as a craftsman, he makes up for in his willingness to put the lives of abused and defeated black women on the screen with brute-force candor and a lack of sentimentality... Precious is less about overcoming adversity than about survival-a battle the movie does not begin to pretend can be won in two hours of screen time.

The Hollywood Reporter

Damien Paul's edgy and effervescent screenplay propels us into the inner recesses of primitive survival. It's a magnificent distillation, both succinct and eruptive. Director Lee Daniels sagely navigates the story from Precious' cavernous inner world through her synaptic flashes of fantasy that momentarily allow her to transcend her personal hell. As Precious, Sidibe is superb, allowing us to see the inner warmth and beauty of a young woman who, to her world's cruel eyes, might seem monstrous. As Precious' hideous mother, Mo'Nique is cruelty incarnate. It's an astonishingly powerful performance.

The New Yorker

Blu Rain['s] powers of uplift feel like make-believe. She is a vision of tolerant gentleness, who wears a new set of soft fabrics every day and plays Scrabble in the evening with her equally lovely lesbian partner. "They talk like TV stations I don't watch," Precious says, but that tart line is not borne out by the film, which drinks in Ms. Rain without demur. The same goes for the fantasy sequences-hugely ill-advised dream clips, showing a richly clad Precious at a movie première or slow-dancing with a hunk. One of them even finds a slender white girl gazing back at her from the bedroom mirror. What we have here is a fouled-up fairy tale of oppression and empowerment, and it's hard not to be ensnared by its mixture of rank maleficence and easy reverie. The gap between being genuinely stirred and having your arm twisted, however, is narrower than we care to admit.

Slate

It's not that there isn't anything to like about Precious, which at its best resembles its heroine: observant, large-spirited, and brave. The director, Lee Daniels puts on his hip boots and wades into grimmer territory than any recent film I can think of, and his fearless leading ladies, Mo'Nique and Sidibe, wade right in with him. But Daniels' methodical commitment to abjection, his need to shove the reality of Precious' life in our faces and wave it around till we acknowledge its awfulness, winds up robbing the audience (and, to some extent, the actors) of all agency. Daniels is not above cutting from an image of incestuous rape to a shot of greasy pork sizzling on the stove: Her father treats her like meat, get it? In its eagerness to drag us through the lower depths of human experience, Precious leaves no space for the audience to breathe or to draw our own conclusions. For a film about empowerment and self-actualization, it wields an awfully large cudgel... Daniels and Fletcher no doubt intended for their film to lend a voice to the kind of protagonist too often excluded from American movie screens: a poor, black, overweight single mother from the inner city. But in offering up their heroine's misery for the audience's delectation, they've created something uncomfortably close to poverty porn.

Women & Hollywood

Precious challenges and assaults every nerve ending. It pushes the viewer to see people that are mostly invisible in the culture (and onscreen) and humanizes them. But Precious is by far not a perfect film. The script by first time screenwriter Geoffrey Fletcher is really far fetched and paints a picture that is only there black and white (not talking about color here) and full of stereotypes. For example, the women who brutalize Precious are dark skinned while the women who help her are lighter skinned. What does that mean? Is it intentional? What if anything is he trying to say? What is most missing from the film is nuance and gray areas and that is clearly the directing choice of Lee Daniels. He wants you to think in extremes because Precious' world is extreme.

Ain't It Cool News

Precious is an achievement that will take a long time for me to shake. Even if I didn't like what I saw or heard at times, I'm glad someone like Daniels is out there making movies that move me to such a degree and remind me that there are people and things in the world that can still shock me into feeling something about a character and a film as deeply as this film did. This is a story of a survivor that doesn't fall back on big speeches, swelling music, angels and kittens; there's very little about this movie that would qualify as "feel good." But I did feel something after seeing it, and that's a rarity these days.

Earlier: Long Day's Journey Into Night: Reading Push, watching Precious
Precious Reactions Interesting, Infuriating
Push Comes To Shove: Precious Pushback
What We Talk About When We Talk About Precious

• The LAPD has arrested four women in connection with break-ins at Lindsay Lohan and Audrina Patridge's homes.

One of the women, 19-year-old Rachel J. Lee, may also be involved in last year's jewelry heist at Paris Hilton's house, and her team may have also targeted Orlando Bloom. Teen cat burglars? I smell a screenplay! [People, TMZ, TMZ]

• Meanwhile, Lindsay says it's okay for her 15-year-old sister to party because "She's tougher than I am." And: "She has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe it was different for me because I didn't know what to expect and it just happened really fast. I didn't have a big sister." [E!]
• A club that had banned Lindsay Lohan has allowed her back in. [Page Six]
• Word is Rosie O'Donnell's marriage is over for good and Kelli Carpenter actually moved out months ago. [Radar Online]
• Someone dared David Cross to snort coke at the White House Correspondents' Dinner (which was not held in the White House) so he did. "Maybe 40 feet from the president of the United States!" [Newser]
• The United States has officially asked Switzerland to hand over Roman Polanski to authorities in California. [AP]
• Katherine Jackson has changed lawyers in the Michael Jackson estate case. [USA Today]
• Kenny Ortega, the choreographer working with Michael Jackson on the This Is It tour, says he wanted MJ healthy: "Michael had sleepless nights and we had to look after him. [I'd say to him], 'Stay hydrated, have a protein shake - Did you eat today before you came?'" But Ortega doesn't believe rehearsals were wearing MJ down: "Working on this show was invigorating, was nourishing." [AP]
• Alex Rodriguez dabbled in Kabbalah when he was dating Madonna and now he's getting into Buddhism, thanks to Kate Hudson. [Gatecrasher]
• A source close to Balloon Mom Mayumi Heene says she is "totally subservient to Richard and the boys. Whatever they want, they get" And that Mayumi will "go down with the ship." [NY Daily News]
• A pharmacist testified in the Anna Nicole Smith case, saying that when he received a request for drugs from her doctor, he said: "This is crazy. This is pharmaceutical suicide. The dosages are way out of whack." And: "I said I wouldn't fill it, and no pharmacy in California would." [NY Daily News]
• Awesome: Jay-Z and Will Smith are backing Fela!. [NY Post]
• Matt Damon is dealing with a "serious" family emergency. Stay tuned. [E!]
• Denis Leary and his wife Ann have a house in the country with three dogs and two horses; they're profiled in the Times today and also, Ann blogs about their picturesque rural life. [NY Times]
• Pamela Anderson is living in a trailer because construction on her house in Malibu is not going as planned. She says: "I am $3million over budget and I should have moved in over a year ago. I'm tiling the whole pool in platinum - that's expensive!" She also claims: "I'm going to sell [the house]. I hate it. People commit suicide over constructions. Relationships break down over constructions and I can see why. It rips your heart out." [Daily Mail]
• Oliver Stone is using "his uptown friends" as extras in Wall Street 2. Authentic! [Page Six]
• At the link, the amazing Mira Nair — who directed Mississippi Masala, Monsoon Wedding, The Namesake and Reese Witherspoon's VanityFair, talks about her latest, Amelia: "So much about Amelia [Earhart] is so undeniably modern. If she were to walk into a room today in her jodhpurs and her aviation jackets, [with] her ideas about marriage or men and women, she would still be considered an iconoclast." [NPR]
• Is there a backlash against Precious? And is Oprah to blame? [LA Times]
• Vanessa Redgrave is doing a one-night-only performance of The Year Of Magical Thinking — which is based loosely on the Joan Didion memoir and about dealing with unexpected death — mere months after Redgrave's daughter Natasha Richardson died. [WSJ]
• In this video, Tom Green and Tony Hawk have lunch and Tom talks shit about his ex-wife, Drew Barrymore: He has opinions about her photoshoot with Ellen Page and her behavior during their marriage. [Shred Or Die]
• "Magic Johnson blames former friend Isiah Thomas for spreading rumors that Johnson was gay after he announced he had HIV in 1991." [Newser]
• Bronson Pinchot made some… intense statements about Tom Cruise's homophobia and Denzel Washington's unpleasant character, and at the link, he clarifies. [WSJ]
• Earlier this year, Spike Lee slammed Tyler Perry's sitcoms, saying, "I think there's a lot of stuff out today that is coonery and buffoonery. I'm scratching my head. We've got a black president. Are we going back?" Now Perry say: "You know, that pisses me off. It really does. Because it's so insulting. It's attitudes like that that make Hollywood think that these people do not exist and that's why there's no material speaking to them. I would love to read that to my fan base." [CBS News]
• RIP Soupy Sales. [Reuters, CNN]
• "If you took the top five of my CDs and just put 'em away and then you have children, 10 years later, you break these out and put 'em on… you'll be laughing. And your kids will be laughing. ou put The Cosby Show on - there won't be any cellphones and people might be wearing funny sweaters - but that same human behavior will still connect with people." — Bill Cosby, who will received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor on Monday, and believes good comedy has no shelf life. He also says he doesn't watch TV anymore: "I'm not thrilled with the deliberate onslaught of the public by the major networks in terms of the sitcoms. They still don't get it about race. They still don't get it about gender. Jokes are still about jerks and body parts and sex." [USA Today]
• "I think women really responded to that initially." — Patricia Arquette, on what this column calls her "more womanly, post-childbirth frame" on Medium. She also says: "They'll bring me new outfits, and I'm like, 'No, I need to repeat those pajamas again. And again.'" And! "I'm not one for spending a lot of money on this show, but these people need a new comforter!" [Variety]
• "I cook OK — I cook every night, so every night is not great. I am really not that adept a cook as [Julia Child] was, especially with that rapid-fire knife. If I did that in my kitchen everybody would run because there would be a lot of blood probably." — Meryl Streep. [Mirror]
• "It depends on the kid.  There are parts of it that are pretty intense. When I was 7 years old, I could not have seen this movie.  It would've scared me.  But my younger brother, who's now 7, could've seen this a year ago.  It depends on the kid." — Max Records, who plays Max in Where The Wild Things Are, on whether the film is too scary for young children. [LA Times]
• "Motherfucker took me out of the ghetto. That's my dude, man. He's been like a dad to me. I remember when I was on Saturday Night Live my first year and I wasn't getting much. I was down; I was ready to quit. It was three o'clock in the morning, man, I'll never forget. Makes me want to cry sometimes when I think about it. I love that man. I love that man. [long pause; starts to cry] I'm sorry, man. Excuse me. [another long pause] Son of a bitch… motherfucker's good. I remember one time Lorne took me to his office, and he said, 'Tracy, you are here not because you're black. You're here because you're fucking funny, man.' [bursts into tears again; wipes face with shirt] Changed my whole perspective.... They say every Jewish man is supposed to love one black motherfucker in this life. I'm glad Lorne Michaels chose me." — Tracy Morgan hearts Lorne Michaels. [Playboy via NY Mgaazine]

• Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise were surprise guests at a "massive" Scientology party in England last week.

Four thousand other Scientologists — including John Travolta and Kelly Preston — were part of a "rapturous, fist-pumping crowd." It was the 25th anniversary of the International Association of Scientologists. Fun? Oh, also: There were protesters outside, and Tom said: "They're squirrels. Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!" Wait, what? [Us Magazine]

• Speaking of Travolta: The extortion case has gone to the jury. [TMZ]
• This could be amazing: Ridley Scott is in talks with Angelina Jolie to play a femme fatale role in Gucci — a drama about murder and decadence in the Gucci fashion dynasty. In 1995, right before he was about to reestablish the brand by debuting Tom Ford's line, Maurizio, the grandson of founder Guccio Gucci, was gunned down in Milan. [Variety]
• I'm sure you'll find this simply shocking, but Gerard Butler has had a threesome in the past year. [The Sun]
• What's this? Renée Zellweger says she hasn't signed on for a third Bridget Jones flick?!?! "I get asked every single day, and I don't know anything," she says. "It's a rumor." [E!, Us]
• Halle Berry's daughter Nahla is learning to play golf. No, really: daddy Gabirel Aubry says: "She's learning to play golf. She has a little hole in the backyard." [People]
• Rumpus, a Great Dane who starred in three Lady Gaga music videos, was found dead after a hike in Los Angeles. [TMZ]
• Colin Farrell has a newborn son, his second child. [Independent]
• Heidi Montag didn't go to her sister Holly Montag's birthday party because no one was paying her an appearance fee. [Fox News]
• Poor Dave Chappelle was trying to set the Laugh Factory's endurance record for continuous stand up comedy, but five hours into his routine, he walked away to go to the bathroom. Disqualified! [USA Today]
• Boo. Mark Ronson will never work with Lily Allen again. Boo. [The Sun]
• A series of emails reveal that the Swiss Federal Office of Justice faxed the U.S. Office of International Affairs letting the Americans know about Roman Polanski's planned appearance in Zurich and asking if the US would be submitting a request for Polanski's arrest. [CBS News]
• Three New York prison officials have quit their jobs following a scandal involving rapper Foxy Brown; they reportedly let her do a photo shoot to promote her new album, despite the fact that she was behind bars. Investigators will try to reveal if she received preferential treatment. You think? [Contact Music]
• Gossip Girl paychecks: Blowing in the wind. [Page Six]
• Alec Baldwin's got jokes! Speaking at the Elle Women In Hollywood event, he said: "I want to assure you that I didn't steal this role from a more qualified woman. There was an audition process. The audition required me to move a couch, fall asleep in front of the TV, and open a particularly stubborn jar of pickles." And! ""If Tom Cruise would simply lower his quote by a mere $29 million, my salary would not make a difference. My annual salary is the budget for Altoids on one of Tom's movies." And! Renée Zellweger "is so tiny, but she's got a big voice. I've been to parties with her and you can hear her voice anywhere, but you can't understand a word she says." More at the link. [People]
• Mischa Barton is trying to trademark her name in Australia, but there's already a company called Mischa Accessories. What to do?!?! [News.com.au]
• Victoria Beckham will be a guest judge on So You Think You Can Dance — in the UK. Sorry 'Mericans. [Daily Mail]
• Viewers submitted almost 9,000 questions for Kate Gosselin to answer during her TLC one-hour special on Monday. Here's one more: When will you go away? [People]
• More on this in Midweek Madness, but Life & Style is proclaiming its latest issue (out today) a "Special Gosselin-Free Issue." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Guy Ritchie is a distant relative of King Edward 1, and when you look at a side by side comparison, there's a resemblance! The nose? And the jaw? [Daily Mail]
• Rob Burnett, executive producer of The Late Show with David Letterman, has replied to NOW, who called the workplace a "toxic environment." Burnett's letter reads: "As an employee of David Letterman's since 1985, I have personally found the work environment on his shows to be fair, professional and entirely merit-based at all times." He also points out that 58% of the Late Show staff are women. [LA Times]
• A fan approached Freida Pinto in London; Freida accidentally bumped into her; the woman stumbled and fell in front of a car; Freida rushed to make sure the woman was okay; everyone was fine and it was a happy ending caught on camera. [This Is London]
• Take a deep breath and relax: Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom's prenup is a done deal. [TMZ]
• OMG! Dancing With The Stars flu outbreak! Run for the hills! [People]
• Salman Rushdie is pissed that his ex-girlfriend said he was still obsessed with his ex-wife, Padma Lakshmi. He says: "I long ago turned the page and moved on." [Page Six]
• Glenn Beck travels with an armed guard. Even when he goes to the bathroom. [Page Six]
• "A strip club worker accused of beating to death the ex-fiance of a Real Housewives of Atlanta cast member has been freed on bond." [CBS News]
• At the link: James Gandolfini, Elaine Stritch and fat jokes. [Page Six]
• Blind items! "Which married music mogul is said to have impregnated an unmarried woman who works for his label in marketing? She's on maternity leave while he's mulling options. Which still gorgeous ex-supermodel doesn't use her own skin-care line, which she hawks on TV? She secretly uses Somme Institute's MDT5 regimen instead. Which son of a rock icon used his name to score six free tickets to a Broadway show, but then never showed up?" [Page Six]
• "The trouble is, before, I felt married to two people — Pete and our management." — Whatshername. [Daily Mail]
• "I wish to make it perfectly clear for the record that my manager, Claire Powell, who I have known for the past 16 years, is my manager and a personal friend. She has never betrayed me or done anything other than support me, which is more than can be said for my ex wife." — Whatshisname. [The Sun]
• "There were times when I thought that a whole bottle of pills would go down easy… Then I noticed the gun in my hand. I was careless with it… I kept my finger pressed right to that trigger … and if I moved that finger an inch in the right direction… I would have blown my brains out." — Hulk Hogan writes about his suicidal thoughts after his divorce in his new book. [Page Six, Gatecrasher]
• "I am an atheist. I have a very different take on who God is. Man invented God because he needed him. God is us." — 87-year-old Carl Reiner, who has two new books out. The story at the link details his fascinating life from a high schooler in New York to working in the garment industry to becoming a writer/director. [LA Times]
• "I know what they're eating and I know what they're doing. Their friends' parents understand their vegetarian and no-TV needs. I give them age-appropriate messages. It's just like most parents don't allow alcohol or cigarettes. I tell them that everyone does things differently and that's OK. It's very important to us to raise nonjudgmental children who don't go finger-wagging. When they're driving themselves around, they're going to make their own decisions, but fast food isn't something I'm gonna facilitate. Still, at some point they"re going to make their own decisions. You give your children wings so they can fly." — Mayim Bialik on raising her kids holistically and via "green mothering." [HuffPo]
• "I've offered to come on Saturday Night Live because I thought I would help them get the ratings. Because clearly that humor that they had when they first had Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi ... has gone (with) this (current) cast of characters. I thought I would show some benevolence as governor and help them out a little bit." — Governor David Paterson, who is often mocked on SNL for being blind. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "I've written two autobiographies and posed for Playboy. I think I've pretty much been out there. But this is definitely the most exposed I've ever been." — Carnie Wilson on her hew reality series, Carnie Wilson: Unstapled, in which viewers will see her trying to take off about 50 pounds of "baby weight." [AP]
• "We've had a real good collaboration. Crucially, she approved me as director, and she didn't have to. We had some discussions that were very important — my convincing her that I didn't want to take her baby and run away with it, or tell a story that was counter to the spirit of what she was trying to tell. I see myself, in the last few movies I've done, as adapting literary properties into film, so that's how I treated this one. We got along like a house on fire." — Chris Weitz, who's directing New Moon, kept in contact with Twilight series author Stephenie Meyer. [Hollywood Reporter]
• "I like kissing women sometimes. Women are pretty. It doesn't mean I'm necessarily sleeping with them." — Adam "Glambert" Lambert, to Details. You saw the pix, right? [Page Six]
• "He was eating chips and dip and he was laughing so hard, he started choking. I thought I'd killed Tony Romo. Here it would be like killing David Beckham or Pele, it was a scary moment."— Jeremy Piven told a deadly joke. [Mirror]
• "We have found the quality of life so much more enriching and fulfilling. The civility, the culture, the people and its beauty have reawakened me and have smoothed out some of my bleak and jagged views about people and life." — Lisa Marie Presley, who had twins last year, has left L.A. for London. [Contact Music]
• "[Quitting the show] was a complete anomaly in my life and my career. I've never missed out on anything. I relished the opportunity to be on Broadway… It's the holy grail for people like me. But I was incredibly ill. The levels of mercury I had, they had no reference for them. I had to be retested three times. Sometimes when you work without stopping, your body gives in. That is what happened. I've done more movies than years I've been alive. All I've done is work… I arrived in Los Angeles in my early 20s and I've been pounding the pavement ever since. But it wasn't until Entourage that my work became accessible to so many people. If there's one thing I'm prepared for, it's rejection." — Jeremy Piven. [Guardian]
• "Sitting on an island smoking my first joint." — Tyler Perry, when asked where he would like to be in 10 years. [Page Six]
• "I told them, don't ask me to grow out my hair or lose any weight. I want to represent real women who have curves." — Amber Rose on signing with Ford Models. She did, however, agree not to get any more tattoos. [LA Times]

• Heidi Klum is changing her name to Heidi Samuel! Did you know that her husband's real name is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adelo Samuel? Short and sweet. [TMZ]

• Last night, David Letterman apologized to female staffers and his wife, saying: "She's been horribly hurt by my behavior. If you hurt a person and it's your responsibility, you try to fix it. At that point, there's only two things that can happen. Either you make some progress and get it fixed, or you're going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed… Let me tell you folks, I've got my work cut out for me." [NY Daily News]
• David Letterman may have violated CBS rules about supervisor/subordinate relationships. But. David Letterman doesn't work for CBS; he works for Worldwide Pants, his production company. WWP says, "We have a written policy in our employee manual that covers harassment. It is circulated to every employee every year. Dave is not in violation of our policy and no one has ever raised a complaint against him." [TMZ]
• Former Late Show staffer Stephanie Birkitt's diary reveals that she continued having sex with David Letterman even after moving in with her CBS-producer boyfriend. Birkitt told her boyfriend that the relationship was platonic and that she was "just his best friend." [NY Post]
• Craig Ferguson defended David Letterman last night: "The person you work for, the person you admire and respect, is caught in an embarrassing situation," he said. "And your job is to be funny about that, whilst trying to keep your own job." [AP]
• Roman Polanski will find out whether he will be granted a release from prison sometime this week. His legal team filed an appeal on September 29, and the Swiss government should issue a ruling by Friday. [AP]
• Uh-oh: A woman named Regina Kimbell says she showed Chris Rock her 2005 documentary, My Nappy Roots, on the set of his TV show Everybody Hates Chris back in 2007. She believes he stole her idea and turned it into Good Hair, which opens Friday. She's looking for $5 million. [TMZ]
• The judge in the Gosselin case has did not make a decision yesterday regarding the cash Jon withdrew from the joint account. We should hear something soon, though. [TMZ]
• Zondervan, the publishing house that printed Kate Gosselin's earlier books, Multiple Bles8ings and Eight Little Faces is not promoting her third book, Love is in the Mix: Making Meals into Memories on its Web site any longer. The book was supposed to come out in the fall… [MSNBC Scoop]
• OMFG: Lady Gaga on Gossip Girl? Whee! My head is exploding! [Gatecrasher]
• An LA judge ruled Friday that Dr. Arnold Klein — Michael Jackson's dermatologist — does not have the right to raise concern about the welfare of any of Jackson's three children. When asked if he had any legal relationship with the kids, the doctor was "evasive." [NY Post]
• Carrie Fisher's show, Wishful Drinking, suggests that Brad Pitt's public love triangle with Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie is the modern-day equivalent of her dad, Eddie Fisher, leaving mom Debbie Reynolds for raven-haired temptress Elizabeth Taylor. Jennifer Aniston went to see the show! Carries says: "She's a very nice girl. I didn't speak to her, but I heard that she liked it. At least, I hope she liked it." [Gatecrasher]
• The Madonna wedding pix case: Settled. She's accepted a "substantial" amount after suing the owners of The Mail for publishing stolen photos of her wedding to Guy Ritchie. [Mirror]
• "Kate Moss had a bust-up with rocker boyfriend Jamie Hince after she was grabbed by a man in a banana hammock thong at Simon Cowell's $1.6 million 50th birthday bash." [Page Six]
• Russell Brand is in love. Possibly with Katy Perry. He says: "I think I'm in love." [The Sun]
• So many Mad Men weddings! Christina Hendricks, Elisabeth Moss and now Bryan Batt, aka Salvatore Romano. He plans to marry his longtime partner, events planner Tom Cianfichi. A source says it could be Christmas in Vermont. Whee! [Ace Showbiz]
• "Naomi Watts has been named as the Hollywood actress who gives the best return on the money she is paid. The 41-year-old star's last three films made $44 for every $1 she was paid to appear." [Telegraph]
• Amy Winehouse will sing on BBC One's Strictly Come Dancing this weekend — as a backup singer for her goddaughter, 13-year-old Dionne Bromfield. [BBC News]
• Have we decided who would make a better Prince Harry? Robert Pattinson or Rupert Grint? [Telegraph]
• Brooke Burns' dog is missing. [People]
• "The 'husband' divorced by Little Britain star Matt Lucas ten months ago hanged himself yesterday. Kevin McGee, 32, who wed the comic in a 2006 civil ceremony, left a suicide note on Facebook. It declared: 'Kevin McGee thinks death is much better than life.'" [The Sun]
• Kevin McGee "is thought to have become deeply depressed over the past few months after breaking up with the comedian, and friends reported that his drug-taking had spiraled out of control." [Daily Mail]
• "Little Britain star Matt Lucas has pulled out of his lead role in a London play after the death of his former partner Kevin McGee." [BBC News]
• Someone had a seizure during an intense scene during screening of Lars von Trier's Antichrist. You know, the one where Charlotte Gainsbourg tortures Willem Dafoe's twig and berries? [Page Six]
• "The blunt truth is weed-loving rapper Method Man may go to jail because he 'forgot' to pay his taxes." [NY Post]
• Layne Staley may be gone, but Alice In Chains lives on. [CNN]
• Dr. Phil is going to be a grandpa. The kind who knows everything. [People]
• It's been 20 years since Lenny Kravitz's Let Love Rule was released? I feel old. [NY Post]
• Whatshisname is calling his divorce a "never-ending nightmare." [The Sun]
• Whatshername is planning a divorce party. [The Sun]
• "I thought I was going to die for real. I should have felt safe but at a certain point of climbing a mountain, you're in a cloud and you hear a noise that is electricity — what can they do to protect you from electricity in the cloud you're in? So they were like, 'Sit on your bag, it's made of rubber'. I went, 'Why?' They said, 'So you don't get electrocuted'. I was like, 'Hang on, I'm on a TV show!' …I prayed. It was probably about half an hour and this is after two previous meltdowns begging Jack - like, 'Cut! Seriously, rescue me!' and he was like, 'From where? There's nowhere a helicopter can land', so I had to get to the summit to get off." — Natalie Imbruglia on working with Jack Osbourne on his TV show Celebrity Adrenaline Junkie. [News.com.au]
• "I'm tired of holding this in. I don't know what to do with it anymore, so, I've decided to give some of it away." — Tyler Perry, on revealing details about his unhappy childhood, abusive father and being molested by a female neighbor at the age of 10. [NY Daily News]
• "I'm insane or stupid. I can't figure out which." — Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, on performing on Dancing With The Stars despite stress fractures in both feet. [NY Daily News]
• "Anyone who thinks we move in a post-racial society is someone who's been smoking crack." — Spike Lee, 20 years after the release of Do The Right Thing. [Guardian]
• "He's got all these strong women working for him. Strong women survive there." — An anonymous Late Show staffer, on David Letterman. [MSNBC]
• "Less is more. When I wear too much make-up, I feel like a man in drag. I prefer to be low maintenance." — Halle Berry, to In Style. [MSNBC]

New York blogger Dan Kois writes that Max independently financed his upcoming movie I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, turning down $2 million from Searchlight because, "It's, like, what's $2 million if they own your life? I'd rather die standing than live with their boot on my neck." Principles intact, this booze-swilling, girl-dissing, "professional at humiliating and 'debasing' people" has staked his future on the film. He told Chris Lee of the LA Times:

If it fails, the investors lose everything and we got nothing but a . . . movie. But if it works, man! We have not just done an independent movie with a $7-million budget. We distributed it and marketed it ourselves. It's super risky, I know. But if it works, we own the movie outright.

Kois writes that if Max's film succeeds, "he's set himself up to become the next Tyler Perry. Like Perry, Max has built a grassroots following through constant touring, mostly under the radar of the mainstream media." Kois describes this audience as "the kids just out of college (or barely into it) who read his blog, swarm his book signings, laugh when he insults them, and have sex with him in the end zone of a Florida football stadium." Lee was fortunate enough to interview one of these "kids," a 25-year-old graphic designer from Palo Alto who says,

The guy is a hero to me. The coolest person on the planet. He gives you hope: that you don't have to play by the rules and you can have fun by doing whatever the hell you want.

Presumably those "rules" are made by all those powerful female leaders of the world who make sure that no one ever objectifies, humiliates, or takes advantage of women. It really is refreshing that someone has the courage to call a girl a "slut" for once in this repressive climate where women's sexual behavior goes un-judged and un-commented upon. And that someone's finally speaking up for all the silenced frat boys of the world.

Kois does seem to be buying this, a little bit. He writes,

[L]ike Perry, Max serves a niche audience that major studios can have trouble reaching. In Perry's case, it was middle-class blacks, a group Hollywood had mostly given up on. For the young people who make up Max's fan base, that's never been an issue; in fact, you might complain that nearly every movie made today is designed to appeal to under-25s. But they're an audience that's never been big on brand loyalty, and Max is one of the first entertainers to capture and hold their attention on the Internet - and then translate that attention into real kids spending real dollars.

So while Max's audience — the douchebags and douchebag-allies for whom mainstream film basically exists — might not be as underserved as Perry's, he's still noteworthy for his attempt to take Internet fame to the box office? Frankly, if Max is able to make money by putting misogyny on film as well on his blog, it'll be about as surprising as dudes drinking beer out of both bottles and cans.

However, Max is now claiming he's offering something deeper than sexism (which "isn't the same as misogyny, you stupid bitch"). He says he now wants to do a four-movie series cataloguing his character's — and his own — transformation "from a functional narcissist to a caring narcissist." While this maturation from dick to less-of-a-dick does sound heartwarming, the cad-turned-standup-guy-with-no-long-term-repercussions is hardly a new Hollywood archetype. The Sexist's Amanda Hess points out that all of Tucker Max's jokes can be broken down into a few simple formulas. And Perry comparisons notwithstanding, all of the Tucker Max "phenomenon" is pretty much like this: same shit, different package.

Is Tucker Max The Next Tyler Perry? [New York Magazine: Vulture Blog]
The Anatomy Of A Tucker Max Joke [The Sexist]
Tucker Max In A 'Hell' Of His Own Making [LA Times]

According to yesterday's New York Times, at a Toronto Film Festival press conference for Precious, a reporter asked Tyler Perry if it was tough to get the movie made. The problem? Perry didn't make the film.

Yet Tyler Perry and Oprah are both executive producers on Precious.

Writes Michael Cieply for the Times:

Mr. Perry dutifully explained that he had nothing to do with making the movie. He saw it in finished form, after the director-producer Lee Daniels, and a couple of fellow producers, Sarah Siegel-Magness and her husband Gary Magness, did the heavy lifting (which included an investment of many millions by the Magness couple, who put up the cash for the kind of inspirational film Hollywood isn't so eager to make right now).

The Times piece doesn't mention Gabourey 'Gabby' Sidibe's weight and race, but time after time, we see Vanity Fair and Vogue profiles of "hot young things" and "it girls" debuting in small, but interesting roles. Early in their careers, women like Gretchen Mol, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sienna Miller and Leelee Sobieski were deemed Hollywood's "next wave" and treated to Annie Leibovitz photoshoots. Whither the attention for Gabourey Sidibe? Hopefully forthcoming. (I've noticed that posters for the film, while beautiful, feature a faceless illustration of the character instead of a photograph. Coincidence?)

In the meantime, director Lee Daniels tells the Associated Press that he's happy to have help drawing attention to his movie from the big-name producers: "My movies are art films. So many people don't see art films. People do see Oprah and Tyler's movies and they do hear Oprah's word." (The fact that Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself opened at number one at the box office this weekend can't hurt.)

Reports that Oprah's ratings have slipped shouldn't matter: When it comes to endorsing products, she's got the midas touch. And from the looks of the Precious trailer, the product is good. On one hand, it's too bad the film needs any kind of hype beyond what the actors and director bring to the table, on the other? As Oprah tells an AP reporter: "Everyone needs someone to help them navigate. I had Bill Cosby, Quincy Jones, Sidney Poitier and Maya Angelou who I look to. You can't do that on your own. Someone has to show it to you."

Film Legends in the Making. And Unmaking. [NY Times]
Winfrey, Tyler Perry Push New Film 'Precious' [AP]

Earlier: Precious Trailer: A Thing Of Terrible Beauty

• Tina Fey won the Emmy for Best Guest Actress in a Comedy last night for her portrayal of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live.Accepting the award, Fey thanked her parents, "who are lifelong Republicans, for their patience." [AP]

• Justin Timberlake also won an Emmy for his guest stint on SNL, and Joss Whedon picked up an Emmy as well, for Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. [E!]
• An insider claims that VH1 is scaling back on their reality programming after the tragic death of Jasmine Fiore at the hands of former VH1 contestant, Ryan Jenkins. "They are freaking out," says the source, "It's bad for their image to continue casting crazy characters. Producers realize the whole reality-TV thing has gotten completely out of hand. Two of their shows featured a murderer." [PageSix]
• Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself topped the box office Friday, bringing in 8.6 million dollars. [EW]
• "It's everything you could imagine and more."-Gossip Girl's Joanna Garcia on kissing her co-star, Chace Crawford. [People]
• Steven Soderbergh says he won't make an Ocean's Fourteen because Bernie Mac has passed away: "For me it was three (movies) and out but any possibility of ever revisiting that ended when Bernie Mac died. I don't think any of us would want to go back and do that without him, so that's it." [DailyExpress]
• "I remember people saying, 'Believe me, everything in your life is going to change…' And I thought, 'Why? That's such a bourgeois way of thinking.' And then you have a child and yes, everything changes. It affects the way we live, what we do and where we go – everything. And I wouldn't have it any other way."-Maggie Gyllenhaal [DailyMail]
• "Everyone's childhood shapes them, doesn't it, but often it's not until later in life that you realise you can choose to take bits of it with you, and reject other bits. People assume we had a crazy life, which we did, but it wasn't that crazy. On some levels it was quite normal. I mean we weren't like the Jaggers or anything, always hanging out with other celeb families. That would've been weird."-Jack Osbourne [DailyMail]
• "If you look around at girls who are older than me who are children of celebrities, hardly any of them have matured, hardly any of them have grown up to be… I wouldn't say decent human beings, but productive human beings. They are not bad people; they just don't do anything and I don't want to have a life where I don't have a reason to get out of bed every morning. And a reason to me isn't who I'm having lunch with at Fred Segal."-Kelly Osbourne [Guardian]
• Guy Richie plays guitar in an Irish ceilidh group and says "a good music session with these Irish lads is unbeatable. Better than any Madonna concert or anything." [DailyMail]
• After a media executive tore a picture of her in two, angry that she skipped an after-party for her new film at the Toronto Film Festival, Jennifer Connelly appeared in tears at a press conference the next day, explaining that she skipped the party in order to grieve the first anniversary of her father's death. The exec has since apologized. [EdmontonSun]
• 64-year-old Michael Douglas says that directors won't cast him as a romantic lead anymore. "No love-interest stuff for me now. I play the bad guy, the rough old villain. My character is that duplicitous meanie I somehow specialise in." [Telegraph]
• John Travolta and Kelly Preston made their first public appearance since the death of their son, Jett, nine months ago, in order to promote Travolta's new film, Old Dogs. [People]
• Elton John says that he's thinking of adopting a 14-month-old Ukranian baby: "David and I have always talked about adoption," he says, "David always wanted to adopt a child and I always said 'no' because I am 62 and I think because of the traveling I do and the life I have, maybe it wouldn't be fair for the child. But having seen Lev today, I would love to adopt him. I don't know how we do that but he has stolen my heart." [Reuters]
• "I think the way I behave is normal for someone my age and in my situation. I know a lot of guys in bands who go to awards ceremonies and get into the same sort of states that I get myself into, and that's not negatively reported on. So it feels kind of unjust."-Lily Allen [DailyMail]
• Jay Leno claims that NBC executives wanted him to turn over the Tonight Show to Conan earlier than he actually did: "Actually, they wanted me out in three years," Leno says the network told him five years ago, "I had to argue to get the other two." [UPI]
• "I don't hang out with Rob or Kristen.They are attractive humans, yes they are. I'm nice with Rob also. I look great with him too. I think I look better with Rob…Rob's awesome. I love him to death."-Kellan Lutz on his Twilight co-stars, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. [ShowbizSpy]

For those of you not familiar with Ntozake Shange, this summary at enotes provides some clarification:

for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf is a choreopoem, a poem (really a series of 20 separate poems) choreographed to music. Although a printed text cannot convey the full impact of a performance of for colored girls..., Shange's stage directions provide a sense of the interrelationships among the performers and of their gestures and dance movements.

The play begins and ends with the lady in brown. The other six performers represent the colors of the rainbow: the ladies in red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. The various repercussions of "bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical dilemma" are explored through the words, gestures, dance, and music of the seven ladies, who improvise as they shift in and out of different roles. In the 1970s, when Ntozake Shange herself performed in for colored girls..., she continually revised and refined the poems and the movements in her search to express a female black identity. Improvisation is central to her celebration of the uniqueness of the black female body and language, and it participates in the play's theme of movement as a means to combat the stasis of the subjugation. In studying this play in its textual, static format one should, therefore, keep in mind the improvisational character of actual performance and realize that stasis is the opposite of what Shange wanted for this play. In fact, in her preface she announces to readers that while they listen, she herself is already "on the other side of the rainbow" with "other work to do." She has moved on, as she expects her readers to do as well.

It's a complex, nuanced piece, and seeing Tyler Perry getting a writing credit gives me serious pause.

Directing? Fine.

Producing? Cool.

But writing and adapting it? From someone who writes flat, two-dimensional woman characters in all of his work? Even under the best of circumstances, I would be skeptical of a black man tackling a project like this. To bring Shange's vision to light would take an understanding of why this work of art is so deeply intertwined with black women's articulation of their own struggles under racist, patriarchal oppression - something that unfortunately, many still deny to this day. Black women's voices are often lost in discussions of race (because all the blacks are men) and discussions of gender (because all women are white) and Ntozake Shange was beyond brave to put down all of these ideas and present them for public consumption even in the face of heavy criticism from black men when the play was released:

[T]his is the second round of a debate sparked in 1976 by the blockbuster success of Ntozake Shange's choreopoem for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf. It spread with the publication of Michelle Wallace's Black Macho and Myth of the Superwoman (1980). These two works were the subject of widespread and acrimonious debate from many sectors of the black community. Vernon Jarret of the Chicago Defender likened for colored girls to the pro-Ku Klux Klan film Birth of a Nation, and dismissed it as "a degrading treatment of the black male" and "a mockery of the black family." Perhaps the most controversial statement about Shange and Wallace, however, was an article by Robert Staples, "The Myth of the Black Macho: A Response to Angry Black Feminists," published in The Black Scholar in March/April 1979. Identified significantly as "the noted sociologist on black sex roles," Staples reflects in his essay a tendency in the current debate (as in most discussions of Afro-American literature) to read literature in terms that are overwhelmingly sociological.

Staples argues that Shange and Wallace were rewarded for "their diatribes against black men," charging for colored girls with whetting black women's "collective appetite for black male blood." He attributes their rage, which "happily married women" lack, to "pent up frustrations which need release." And he sympathizes with the black male need for power in the only two institutions left to black control: the church and the family. During the 1960s, Staples continues, "there was a general consensus - among men and women - that black men would hold the leadership positions in the movement." Because "black women held up their men for far too long, it was time for the men to take charge." But those like Shange and Wallace came under the powerful sway of the white feminist movement, he argues, they unleashed the anger that black women had always borne silently. For witnessing this anger, he concludes, they were promoted and rewarded by the white media.

This choreopoem is serious business, and it is not to be treated lightly, by those who do not live the story it tells.

Just as I had to put down Octavia Butler's Kindred, a book in which distinctively black pain poured off each page and took up residence in me that I dreamed the plot at night and woke up bathed in sweat, I've avoided fully engaging with Ntozake Shange's masterwork, absorbing it bit by bit instead, waiting for the day when I am strong enough to experience the whole. And what a masterful whole it is. The opening lines, spoken by Lady in Brown, let you know what you are in for:

i can't hear anythin
but maddening screams
& the soft strains of death
& you promised me
you promised me...
somebody/anybody
sing a black girl's song
bring her out
to know herself
to know you
but sing her rhythms
carin/struggle/hard times
sing her song of life
she's been dead so long
closed in silence so long
she doesn't know the sound
of her own voice
her infinite beauty

When Joan Morgan penned When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost, she begins her book describing the scene in New York surrounding the twentieth anniversary of Shange's play, and makes mentions of her own memories of the cheoropoem:

Few hissy fits can compare to the one I threw twenty years ago when my mom announced she was taking her husband and not her precocious woman-child to see Shange's play. I'd been transfixed by the poster since the first day it went up on our community center's wall. Afro-puffed and arms akimbo, I'd stare at it every day, struck by the poster-woman's sad, sad eyes and the eeriness of the title, scribbled in child-like graffiti across an imaginary tenement wall.

It didn't matter that I didn't know a damn thing about suicide. Death, yes - since departed colored girls are part of the ghetto's given - but none of them had left in ways as exotic as checking out on their own volition. But I reasoned that the play had something to do with being black, female, and surviving - and those were intuitive if not conscious concerns for any ten-year-old colored girl growing up in the South Bronx 'round 1975. [...]

My obsession with for colored girls... carried over well into adulthood, long after I snuck into the adult section of the public library, stole the book, and fell in love with words and images I didn't quite understand. It remained among my favorites as I grew older and sought balmy remedies for tempestuous emotions about black men, women, and myself. Seeing it performed was always cathartic and I never missed an opportunity - except for that first run on Broadway in 1975.

I've long since forgiven my mother, of course. In my pre-adolescent selfishness I failed to see that she too was a colored girl. The play held crucial parts of her - parts she needed to share with her husband and not her ten-year-old daughter.

Shange's work is a major representation of black female womanhood, and even those of us who cannot find ourselves in her stories can still feel the painful echoes. So I am unsure that someone who has not lived this experience can do it justice. Still, despite my hesitations, I am still pleased that for colored girls... will make it to a wider audience. Ntzokake Shange is reportedly pleased, and has been sharing the news according to this report from The Minnesota Spokesman-Recorder:

"I'm going to tell you a secret, but then you can tell everybody," Ntozake Shange announced at her April 23 appearance at the University of Minnesota's Humphrey Center. "For colored girls is going to be [made into] a movie." Shange's appearance was part of the Givens Foundation for African American Literature's NOMMO African American Authors Series.

The audience in the center's Cowles Auditorium let out a cheer of surprise and joy at the news that Shange's "seminal work," as she called it in her own words, For colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf, which was first performed on stage 35 years ago, is finally becoming a film. (An Emmy-nominated PBS television American Playhouse version of the play, which starred Shange, Lynn Whitfield and Alfre Woodard, was broadcast in 1982 and is available on DVD.)

Furthermore, Shange confirmed that three African American actresses had "signed contracts" confirming that they would star in the upcoming film: Oscar winner Halle Berry, Oscar nominee Angela Bassett, and Grammy winning singer-turned-actor Jill Scott. The excited audience loudly gasped as Shange said each of the actresses' names.

I would love to see Jill Scott in this, but I am torn. And I'm torn in the same way I was when I heard that they were remaking A Raisin in the Sun with Sean Combs as Walter Younger. I want these works to be experienced and to reach those who wouldn't normally attend plays or read black literature.

But what are we sacrificing in the process?

Lionsgate Taps Tyler Perry for 'Rainbow' [Variety]
For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf [enotes]
But Some Of Us Are Brave [Amazon]
Changing Our Own Words: Essays On Criticism, Theory, And Writing By Black women [Google Books]
Kindred [Amazon]
For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf: A Choreopoem [Google Books]
When Chickenheads Come Home To Roost [Powell's]
Ntozake Shange Still Standing Up For "Colored Girls" [Minnesota Spokesman-Recorder]

The program scours the internet for information about the person and then fits them into a set of categories using an algorithmic process. Obviously from the results below, the process isn't perfect, but that's part of the point. The creators explain:

It is meant for the viewer to reflect on our current and future world, where digital histories are as important if not more important than oral histories, and computational methods of condensing our digital traces are opaque and socially ignorant.

In other words, it may be telling that one of Nadya Suleman's biggest categories is "fame," but "sports" winding up on Anna Wintour's profile probably means the computer misinterpreted combative phrases in articles about her.

You can check out what Personas reveals about your favorite (or unfavorite) people here. Feel free to share the results in the comments.

Click on the images below to make them larger:

Personas [MIT]

• According to this report, Samantha Ronson went out with Sopranos actress Drea De Matteo last night, got into a fight with Lindsay Lohan about it, and threw LL's clothes out into the street.

Can't really tell if the supposedly illustrative pictures at the link actually reflect that, but whatever. [Daily Mail]

• Oy: Rumor has it that Kevin Federline is working with VH1 on a new reality show costarring his girlfriend, Victoria Prince, and his kids, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Just what the world needs. [E!]
• Meanwhile, Britney's conservatorship might be coming to an end, when her tour winds down in November. She seems like she's doing pretty good, no? [TMZ]
• Mischa Barton's model-centric CW show, The Beautiful Life, will go on with or without her — which means that producers are casting a new recurring character as a Plan B., in case Mischa is not ready for filming the last week of July. [EW]
• Madonna is in Marseilles, where she visited with the victims of the stage collapse which left two dead. She met with the widow of a worker and also went to the hospital where eight injured workers are being treated. [Daily Mail]
• Burn Notice actor Jeffrey Donovan was arrested for DUI in Miami Beach. Nice stubble in the mug shot. [NY Daily News]
• Jon Gosselin and Hailey Glassman were seen hanging out in an upstate New York park, and "They kept stopping to make out - and they made out a lot." [Gatecrasher]
• The reporter Jon Gosselin had dinner with over the weekend often "uses her charms" to get stories, and sometimes wears wigs when she follows celebrities, so as not to be recognized. [Page Six]
• "Are Kate Gosselin and Madonna workout buddies? The Jon & Kate star has arms that mirror Madge's." [NY Daily News]
• It's official: Emma Watson will attend Brown University in the fall. [People]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy: Engaged! [Page Six]
• When Heidi Klum was followed by paparazzi as she took her kids to a NYC park last week, it was other parents at the park who were pissed: They asked the snappers to leave, and when the photographers didn't, the moms and dads threw water balloons at them. [Daily Express]
• Sienna Miller has seen her GI Joe action figure, and she is not impressed. "My doll is cross-eyed and has the biggest chin you have ever seen. Action figures are always a bit off, aren't they? Oddly enough from side on, it is definitely me but front on she looks sort of possessed." [The Sun]
• Here's a video of Katherine Heigl talking about T.R. Knight going to do Broadway now that he's not on Grey's Anatomy: "That really pisses me off," she says. [E!]
• David Beckham's coach is criticizing the player for confronting jeering fans at the first home game of the season: "We appreciate our players and fans passion for the team and the game, but we all must aim to hold ourselves to higher standards." [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse's mom says the star is on the road to recovery: "A year ago, everyone was saying: 'Will she get through this, will she even survive?' And look at her now. We've got the old Amy back. I always knew she'd come through it. And I know she doesn't want to go back to the drugs. St Lucia was good in many ways because there were no hard drugs around, but she was bored, so she drank…She's put on a bit of weight and looks better than she has in a long time… She was busy cooking, so that's a good sign that she's actually eating. I think she's pleased to be home and I know she's happier now." [Mirror]
• Bonnie Somerville played Suzie Cavandish in Labor Pains, and she says of Lindsay Lohan: "She is supertalented. I had a great time working with her." [E!]
• A balloon company sent Jennifer Lopez a giant bouquet of balloons for her twins, which she promptly sent back. Maybe the colorful arrangement was not classy enough for Jenny from the block? [TMZ]
• Re: Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson: A source says: "Tony pulled the plug because he couldn't stand the constant heat Jessica was putting on him to get married… The final nail in the coffin was an argument they had over how to celebrate Jessica's birthday. She wanted a splashy Ken & Barbie-themed bash with all of her celebrity friends, and Tony wanted a quiet, low-key dinner for just the two of them." [MSNBC via National Enquirer]
• Susan Boyle will appear in an interview on the Today show tomorrow, in which she says of sudden fame: "The impact, like a demolition ball. You know, and anyone who has that kind of impact — finds it really hard to get a head around it. I guess I had to get my head around it, but through the — the guidance of a great team, and they are very good, I was able to see that in perspective and really turn that around a little." [Reuters]
• "Harry Potter's love interest rivals Emma Watson in fashion stakes… Emma Watson finally has competition as the most glamourous Harry Potter screen siren after Bonnie Wright who plays Ginny Weasley was photographed looking equally spellbinding." [Telegraph]
• Mark Lester, godfather of Michael Jackson's children, claims that after the memorial service, 7-year-old Blanket Jackson seemed confused about what was going on. "It is obvious to me that Blanket is still unsure about what exactly happened to his father.He said, 'Where's Daddy gone? On holiday?' It was a rhetorical question and it broke my heart." [Mirror]
• The Jackson family is still "agonizing" over the decision of where to bury the King of Pop, but his body is "temporarily interred" at Forest Lawn Memorial-Park and Mortuary in Los Angeles. [People]
• Joe Jackson was on Larry King Live, where he seemed to blame Dr. Conrad Murray for Michael Jackson's death: "The doctor gave him something to make him rest, and then he don't wake up no more. Something is wrong there," Joe said. [AP]
• Another report claiming that Katherine Jackson is being manipulated to dispute Michael's will. [TMZ]
• Joe Jackson says the rumor that he wants to take Michael's kids on tour as the Jackson 3 is "a bunch of jive." And when asked if he was abusive to Michael when he was a kid, he said: "That's a bunch of bull S." [CNN]
• August 29 would have been Michael Jackson's 51st birthday, and there may be two tribute concerts at London's O2 Arena in August to celebrate. [TMZ]
• Russell Brand. Goat farming. [RussellBrand.TV]
• Ciara is on the cover of Social Life magazine, but she skipped the party for the isue in East Hampton because she had a chance to go into the studio with Justin Timberlake. Social Life editor Devorah Rose has a much lengthier explanation, which you can read at the link if you wish. [Observer]
• There was some chaos at Chace Crawford's birthday party because the prettyboy didn't want to pose for photos. What the hell are we going to paste in our scrapbooks, hmm? [Page Six]
• Will Lizzie Grubman be on Real Housewives Of New York? Short answer: No. [Page Six]
• Jorja Fox: Returning to CSI. [UPI]
• Nicolas Cage is in talks to play the villain in The Green Hornet. Cameron Diaz is negotiating to play a reporter and love interest; Seth Rogen will star. [Variety]
• Uma Thurman will star in Girl Soldier, an indie film about a cleric who helped rescue 140 schoolgirls abducted in Uganda. [Variety]
• "Tyler Perry is paying for 65 children from a Philadelphia day camp to go to Walt Disney World after reading about allegations that a suburban swim club had shunned them because of racism." [AP]
• Ryan O'Neal says he is dealing with Farrah Fawcett's death by answering condolence notes from her fans. [UPI]
• Ryan O'Neal is also spilling about what Redmond O'Neal's last words were to his mother Farrah Fawcett on her death bed, which is maybe a little too intimate. [People]
• Marissa Jaret Winokur is still blogging her "weight-loss journey," although this week, it's "I Fell Off the Diet Wagon." Tons and tons of candy, thanks to her son's first birthday party. [People]
• Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabbe in the Harry Potter movies, has been ordered to do 120 hours of community service after admitting to growing 10 cannabis plants at his mother's house. [Daily Mail]
• "Bruce Lee's older sister and younger brother have authorized a Chinese company to make a series of biographical films about the late kung fu icon, saying they want to produce a historically accurate account of their brother's life." [AP]
• Whatshisname says he and Whatshername don't let the kids see them fight. [Mirror]
• Whatshisname fell off a stage, btw. [Daily Mail]
• Blind item! "Which indie starlet secretly has a house decorated entirely with Alice in Wonderland paraphernelia?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I would daydream about it all the time. I thought about the fact that there were children who didn't have anything, and I felt like I could help. It was something that weighed on me. It was something I did for the world and for my son and then for me." — Mary Louise Parker always knew she would adopt someday. [People]
• "It was fun. It was a new experience for me just to take my clothes off on camera. So to be able to scream, to be hysterical, to act out all that suffering and all those tears… well, it's not something you get to do every day." — Charlotte Gainsbourg, on controversial and violent film Antichrist. [Telegraph]
• "I'd like to go on record that he is a gentleman. He has not touched me in a bad place once." — Judd Apatow, on Russell Brand. [Mirror]
• "It's a coincidence. It's from a book called Once is Not Enough by Jacqueline Susann. Bad book… People think that I changed my name. I could've been an actress, a superhero, or a stripper." — January Jones, on her name and being born in January. Also, click to see her on the cover of Interview! [JustJared via Interview]
• "The double-edged sword of working with family is it can be the most fulfilling experience you've ever had, but the flip side is it can also be the most tortuous and most stressful, because it's your family and the lines can get blurry." — Shaun Cassidy, who, along with brothers Ryan, David and Patrick, is starring in a new ABC Family show, Ruby & The Rockits. [LA Times]
• "Stand-up is good when you're rolling. When it goes down you feel like 'why the hell did I come here?' and the same thing in acting. If it's not clicking you feel like an ass." — Adam Sandler. [Mirror]
• "This project was rife with opportunities for me to fuck it up enormously and, by doing so, prove my own limitations. To botch the whole thing would have been calamitous." — Hugh Dancy, on Adam, the film about a man with Asperger's. [BlackBook]
• "I see a lot myself in him, he is a Cancer, just like I am. I would love to meet him. He makes me smile just when I see him." — Lil' Kim on Nelson Mandela. [Mirror]

• In court today Sam Lutfi filed a declaration claiming he hasn't been texting Britney in violation of his restraining order. He says Brit has texted him, but he conveyed his responses through Adnan Ghalib. [TMZ]

• Model Monica Zsibrita is suing Chris Rock once again for alleged breach of contract and various other charges, calling him "a monster." A judge has unsealed her previous lawsuit against Rock at her request. The Hungarian model has been claiming for years that Rock is the father of her child and that he raped her. However, two DNA tests proved he wasn't the father of her child and no rape charges were ever filed. [E!]
• Ed McMahon has been hospitalized for the past month with pneumonia. McMahon, 85, is in the intensive care unit and was also recently diagnosed with systemic bone cancer. [Entertainment Tonight]
• Nadya Suleman has turned down an offer from the charity Angels in Waiting to provide a home and 24/7 care for her 14 children. Attorney Gloria Allred, who has also filed a complaint against Nadya with the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services, said: "All 14 could have been kept together, the siblings as well. There would have been no burden on the taxpayers. Instead, now, it may be that the taxpayers are going to have to foot the bill for all of this." [L.A. Times]
• Kanye West's Storytellers special premieres on Saturday, but VH1 is editing out all the juicy bits. VH1 executives claimed they had to edit Kanye's comments to make a three hour taping into a one hour show. Thus, Kanye's thoughts on how he was "hurt" when Radiohead's Thom Yorke (who he considers one of his biggest creative rivals) snubbed him at the Grammys are likely to end up on the cutting room floor, along with his statement: "Can't we give Chris [Brown] a break?... I know I make mistakes in life." [E!]
• Tyler Perry is buying an island for his 40th birthday. He says: "It won't be Tyler Perry's Island! I'm so sick of seeing Tyler Perry all over everywhere!" [People]
• Drew Barrymore's yet-to-be released directorial debut, Whip It! must be pretty amazing. There are rumors that she is a candidate to direct the third film in the Twilight series. [Entertainment Weekly]
• Bono has apologized for jokingly calling Coldplay's Chris Martin a "wanker" live on BBC Radio. [The Star]
• Jennifer Hudson told Oprah that having Whitney Houston present her with her first Grammy "almost surpassed winning the Grammy." When asked about how she's coping with the murders of her family members, she said: "I'm really good. Glad to be back to working and doing what I love to do. I'm in a very good place." [Entertainment Tonight]
• Chris Brown recently filmed an action movie called Bone Deep. When Ted Casablanca called the studio to ask about the movie's fate, all they said was: "We finished filming last December," which Casablanca interprets as: "Subtext: We're not touching that hotbed of misogynistic headlines with a 10-foot range speakerphone, no way." [E!]
• Christian Bale will be back for a third Batman movie and is looking to increase his paycheck, even though he's contractually obligated to do the film. An anonymous source at Warner Brothers says studio executives aren't worried he'll have another blowup on set. The source says: "No way, Christian's a pro. You should hear the nasty stuff that comes out of [Warners producer] Joel Silver's office. Every day." [E!]
• Freida Pinto is on the cover of Indian Cosmopolitan and you can check it out here. [The Life Files]
• No Doubt will appear on the second to last episode of Gossip Girl this season. They will cover the song Stand and Deliver by Adam and the Ants. [People]
• Sources on the set of Ghost Whisperer say that Jennifer Love Hewitt demanded that CBS pay for her $1,500 Alice in Wonderland themed birthday tea party. She didn't invite most of the crew and the show had to do some creative bookkeeping to hide the party from CBS executives. They probably know now, as JLH called the paparazzi herself to get publicity. [Perez Hilton]
• Beyonce says that at home, she's messy. "I don't have any shoes on. No makeup. My shoes are left at the door. My purse is in the kitchen," she says, "I'm relaxed!" But, it bothers her husband, Jay-Z. "I think that is the most difficult thing for him," she says. "He's very, very organized." [Ebony]
• You can check out pictures from Kim Kardashian's swimsuit calendar shoot here, if you're into that sort of thing. [Socialite Life]
• Chicago psychiatrist Paul Dobransky, says he suspects Joaquin Phoenix is mentally ill because of his recent displays of "socially inappropriate behavior." Phoenix's rep says: "How absolutely inappropriate for a doctor who has no personal interaction or relationship with someone to diagnose them. And to do so in a public forum." Doesn't he know that if publications didn't turn to "a doctor who does not treat the star" tabloid magazines would essentially cease to exist? [E!]
• Pioneering hip-hop artist Grandmaster Flash says one of his kids introduced him to Lil Wayne years ago: "My 18-year-old, I never forget, this goes back, like, five years. There was this artist who used to make these mixtapes, he used to try to get me to listen to this guy. He said he was the greatest MC of all time. Of course I had to fight with him — there's a lot of great MCs! His name happened to be Lil Wayne. I was like, "OK, this guy's pretty good." Today he looks at me and he's like, "Dad, I told you." [LA Times]
• Kelly Clarkson says she once asked Simon Cowell why he was never mean to her, even though he's generally horrible to everyone else. She says: "He just told me that being mean wouldn't have inspired me. So he never said one bad thing to me. Every week, I braced myself for it, but it just never came. I can be as insecure as the next person, but I'm different on stage. Up there, I'm more confident." [The Daily Mail]
• In a new interview, Axl Rose says of former bandmate Slash, "personally I consider him a cancer and better removed, avoided — and the less anyone heard of him or his supporters the better." So fans can probably stop holding their breath for a Guns N' Roses reunion. [Yahoo]

• Holy double zygote! Star is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having twins. Again. Fertility treatments, duh. More in Midweek Madness. [Star]
• Meanwhile, in this clip, Brad Pitt says he thinks Angelina is gorgeous: "I get up some mornings and gasp." [E!]
• Pitt's next production: Starring as a British soldier and spy in The Lost City Of Z, an epic flick about Percy Fawcett, who left Victorian society to explore in the Amazon. [Variety]
• Wow, don't call it a comeback: Britney's Circus is the number one CD in the country, with 505,073 copies sold (which means it's gone gold). Of course, Oops! I Did It Again sold 1,319,193 units during its first week of sales, which means it was platinum — and eventually went diamond. But congrats! [AP, The.Life Files]

• Remember how Lindsay Lohan was seen with Sean Penn? They're thinking about possibly doing a film together. Is she working on… anything? [Page Six]
• Even though Jennifer Hudson has been in seclusion since her family was murdered in October, she will begin filming a video for her new single, "If This Isn't Love," next week. Back to work. [AP, USA Today]
• The woman under arrest for murder says that Mark Ruffalo's brother, Scott, died after playing Russian roulette. She's claiming Scott was a known cocaine user who played with guns in front of various witnesses. [NY Daily News]
• Mark Ruffalo has released a statement, which reads, in part: "Mark Ruffalo and his family deeply appreciate the outpouring of prayers and support during this most difficult time of the passing of Scott Ruffalo, beloved son, brother and husband. The funeral service will be private." [TMZ]
• And now the woman arrested in the shooting death of Scott Ruffalo has been cleared; the gunshot wound was, in fact, apparently self-inflicted. [Yahoo News via AP]
• This report claims that Shaha Adham, the woman accused in the Ruffalo murder, is a "dime-a-dozen Saudi princess." [MediaBistro]
• There's a new lawsuit in the Travis Barker/DJ Am plane crash: The surviving wife and son of Chris Baker, Barker's best friend and assistant, has filed with L.A. County Superior Court that the pilots "negligently decided to abort and/or reject the takeoff." [TMZ]
• Nicole Richie's jewelry line, House Of Harlow 1960, has debuted; look for it at ShopKitson.com. Nic Rich sez: "Obviously, the birth of my daughter is the best thing ever. Just in general, it's been a really great year for me. Everything's just kind of coming together. All of my dreams are becoming a reality." And does Harlow like fashion? "She likes to dress up. You can see it in her face. I'm not too caught up in her fashion at the moment. I just let her wear what's comfortable for her. But she loves tights." [USA Today]
• Gossip Girl gossip: Blake Lively and Penn Badgley might be on the rocks! Blake was seen making out with a random blond dude, and the next morning, Blake and Penn had an "awkward brunch." In other GG news, Ed "I'm Chuck Bass" Westwick was seen "really drunk." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Maybe making out: Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford and Taylor Momsen. [Page Six]
• Leonardo DiCaprio lost his wallet, but found it again. [Page Six]
• Since Anne Hathaway is promoting Bride Wars, naturally, reporters are asking her about marriage. She says: "Of course, like everyone, I'm kind of going through a moment where I'm like, 'Do I even believe in marriage? What's going on?' I do think eventually someday — if I met the right person — I would get married." [Daily Express]
• Twilight fans! Get your own Robert Pattinson doll, complete with bizarre eyeliner, pastel lipstick and artfully disheveled hair. [Best Week Ever]
• El oh el. This story claims "Robert Pattinson's masculinity ended his modeling career." [Daily Express]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham says she cringes when she sees pictures of herself where her "boobs were around her neck." So do we! And there are plenty of pix in this story, so click away. [Daily Mail]
• Grey's Anatomy's T.R. Knight is looking to be released from his contract: "He’s not inspired by his story, by George," a source says. "He’s convinced he can do films. It’s as simple as that." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Jim Carrey broke three ribs doing a pratfall for his new movie Yes Man. "But the first thing I thought of was 'must look cool, man.'" [The Star]
• Whatever you do, don't call Jeremy Piven "Ari Gold." [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which TV actor secretly gets very friendly with the same sex, despite a slew of female exes?" [Gatecrasher]
• Apparently Paul McCartney has dozens of wild boar on his estate in Peasmarsh, East Sussex, UK, and neighbors claim they're damaging crops, trees and gardens. It's legal to "humanely" "cull" the boar — culll as in KILL — and McCartney refuses, because, as we all know, he's an animal rights advocate. [Telegraph]
• Carrie Fisher on her electroshock therapy: "They put you to sleep, and the electricity is just in your head. It wiped out four months of memory, but at my age, what's going to happen in four months that won't happen again?" [USA Today]
• Will Ferrell made a scene at the Oscar De La Hoya fight in Vegas. [Page Six]
• Brody Jenner is talking about The Hills but not saying anything interesting. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Some photographer knocked over Joan Rivers? How dare he! [Page Six]
• Jon Schneider, aka Bo Duke, had his SUV stolen from a mall outside of L.A. last week — and there were two puppies, meant to be Christmas gifts for his kids, inside. The car's been recovered, but the puppies are still missing! Click and see how cute they are. [TMZ, AP]
• Remember how DMX has been a wanted man? He's now in custody, after being arrested in Florida yesterday. He'll be sent to Arizona, where he'll face charges of drug possession, identity theft, and animal cruelty. Gonna make me lose my mind up in here! [Perez Hilton]
• The woman who accused actor-writer Tyler Perry of stealing her play for his movie, Diary Of A Mad Black Woman, lost her lawsuit. [Yahoo News via AP]
• You guys know that Darius Rucker, the black guy from Hootie and the Blowfish, is a country singer now, right? "I'm used to being the only black guy," he says. "I've seriously walked onstage, looked out in the audience, 15,000 people — and I'm the only one in the place. It's no big deal. My whole career's been like that… I just want to play." [WaPo]
• Wanna see what the creepy banjo kid in Deliverance looks like all growed up? [TMZ]
• "I am NOT pregnant." — Katie "Jordan" Price. [Daily Mail]
• "I'll smoke anything that comes around. It doesn't matter to me what type it is. People like to give me it. They feel that I shouldn't be without it. The vaporizer makes it easier on my lungs, because I was coughing and wheezing a lot" — Willie Nelson in Rolling Stone. [Page Six]
• "It seems that 'human rights' has become a bit of a loaded term in this country, but if you look at the declaration that countries made 60 years ago, it just sets out a series of basic rules about how people should treat each other… I wanted to be part of this film for Amnesty to help raise awareness of the UDHR and to help them, in a small way, to campaign against the abuses of human rights that are still happening every day." — Keira Knightley, who is part of Amnesty International's Protect the Human campaign and in a short film about the adoption of the UN Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR). [The Star]
• "[If there were no paparazzi] I would take Harlow to the park. I feel that sometimes I don't get to do everything that I want to do with her. But you know what? I'm not complaining at all. She has a really great life. My life is what it is, and people have it a lot worse than me." — Nicole Richie. [USA Today]

• Angelina was on the red carpet in New York over the weekend, talking about her family. "Everybody's great," she said. "The babies are getting big and healthy and developing personalities." She says she has been a "little bit" sleep deprived but she and Brad find relief: "We have some help a couple of nights a week, so on those nights we catch up on our sleep." [UPI]
• Brad Pitt was there too: They are obviously not broken up. [Daily News]
• More from Angie: "Even if we lock our door, the children come knocking. We often try to have a bath alone together at the end of the night and sit and talk, but they hear the water and want to jump in. But it’s fun and it’s lovely – the thing about having six is once you’ve passed three or four, it’s so crazy anyway that it’s just more chaos and it’s all OK." When asked if she feels if she has completed her family, Angie said, "No." [Mirror]
• Angie somehow found time for two new tattoos: She now has the map coordinates of Nice, France, where her twins were born. [LA Times]
• But! As for adopting more kids Angie says: "I think we're going to wait a little while." [People]

• Lindsay Lohan is also feeling brood-y. She says: "At some point, I want to adopt a kid… A child in need or a newborn from another country. I’m not sure yet." [Mirror]
• Samantha Ronson sent Perez Hilton a check for $86,832: The amount to cover his legal fees in her failed libel lawsuit. [E!]
• Lauren Conrad on the rumor that she hooked up with Justin Bobby: "These accusations are so crazy, it's difficult for me to take them seriously. While my usual taste in guys isn't always perfect, I do prefer they shower regularly." [E!]
• History was made Saturday night, when Tyler Perry became the first African-American ever to launch his own major TV and film studio. Oprah cried. [People]
• Speaking of Oprah, she is being sued by the former headmistress of the Big O's Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa for defamation of character. [E!]
• Amy Winehouse supposedly received a "welcoming" phone call from the Church of Scientology, in which they offered her detox help. So crazy it just might work? [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse has one thing going for her: She's not broke. [Mirror]
• Blake Incarcerated sent Amy's dad a "vile and abusive" letter filled with threats. Sigh. [The Sun]
• Holy crap, did Courtney Love have gastric band surgery to stay thin? [Perez Hilton]
• Eddie Van Halen: Engaged. [People]
• Elizabeth Taylor is "heartbroken" after the death of Paul Newman. They starred together in Cat On A Hot Tin Roof and were friends for years. [Daily Express]
• Gossip Girl is pulling in better ratings than it did a year ago, but the producer says "We try not to live and die by the ratings." [NY Daily News]
• David Letterman has a great Sarah Palin recap video. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Miss Jackson is still nasty: Janet has postponed 3 more shows our her tour due to illness. [AP]
• Bruno, aka Sacha Baron Cohen, was at the Stella McCartney show, being disruptive by clapping along to the music "way too loud." Paul McCartney was just a few seats away. [Daily Express]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham in yet another pair of ridiculous shoes. [The Sun]
• Johnny Depp wants to be in the Little Britain movie. Computer says yes? [Mirror]
• Madonna's Sticky & Sweet tour kicked off this weekend in New Jersey; there were "guest appearances" by Kanye West and Justin Timberlake and the performance was a "success." This review says: "The 50-year-old has toughened up, replacing some of the frothiness of her pure pop days with a bracing physicality." [Variety]
• Kylie Minogue was seen "looking cozy" with a "dark-haired mystery man" in Paris. Get it! [The Sun]
• Rachael Ray has a benign cyst on her vocal cord, which she'll have minor surgery to remove in early December. [UPI]
• So you know how we heard that Ali Lohan might work with Johnny Wright, who had produced Justin Timberlake and the Jonas Brothers? Johnny Wright says: "Johnny Wright has never met with Ali Lohan, has never been introduced to Ali Lohan, nor has he had a meeting with Ali or Dina Lohan regarding Ali's music career. While he wishes Ali Lohan the best in all her endeavors, Mr. Wright has never had any intention of speaking with Ali Lohan regarding her career. Any story that has surfaced about such a meeting holds no merit and is completely false." Haha wow. [Page Six]
• Salma Hayek wore a traditional Bavarian dress on German TV and her cups runneth over. [The Sun]
• Pam Anderson delivered Hugh Hefner's birthday cake — in the nude. [Mirror]
• Beyoncé's "wedding" ring is about 18 carats and worth about $4.3 million dollars. Don't drop it down the drain! [Daily Mail]
• Blind items! #1: "Which wife of a rock superstar has been punishing him for going to strip clubs without her? The spouse has spent about $30 million on a house they don't really need to get back at him for not including her in his adventures." #2: "Which boy-band member is going to shock his female fans when he comes out of the closet?" [Page Six]
• Emma Thompson says her her biggest accomplishment in life was "giving birth without painkillers" and her happiest moment was: "just after giving birth without painkillers." [Daily Express]
• David Hasselhoff's ex-wife blabs about the Hoff being a drunk: "He’s an alcoholic. He has a disease, just like cancer." [Daily Mail]
• Shakira's for Obama. [AP]
• Rumer Willis was named after the British writer Rumer Godden: "I don’t know whether my mom had read much of her stuff, I guess she may have just been in a bookshop and liked the sound of it. I used to get teased at school, Rumer Tumor, that kind of thing, but I’ve got used to it. You do." [Times Of London]
• David Spade has texted Heather Locklear to check in with her. He says: "I think there's no one that doesn't feel for her or have nice things to say about her in my experience." [People]
• Bond vs. Bond! Sean Connery's new book, Being A Scot, has sold only 5,000 copies since its release in August. Roger Moore's biography, My Word Is Bond, is doing much better. [Telegraph]
• Emma "Baby Spice" Bunton says The Spice Girls are over. "We're all in our 30s now and, let's face it, by then most people aren't doing the same thing they were when they were 18, which is how old I was when I first met the girls. I'm ready to move forward." [Daily Mail]
• A judge has ordered a Texas doctor and his wife not to distribute video footage of Anna Nicole Smith's breast augmentation surgery in 1994. Thanks, judge. [The Star UK]
• Joss Stone will make her small screen debut in The Tudors, playing Henry VIII's wife Anne of Cleves. [Daily Express]
• Andrew Lloyd Webber doesn't want his kids to inherit his £750million fortune. He says: "They aren’t bothered. They don’t think that way. It is about having a work ethic – I don’t believe in inherited money at all. I am not in favour of children suddenly finding a lot of money coming their way because then they have no incentive to work." [Mirror]
• Does Marilyn Manson owe his former bandmate $20 million in back pay? He'll be in court November 3 and we'll find out. [E!]
• Sad face: Carol Channing fell at her home and broke her leg and hip. Speedy recovery! [Modesto Bee]
• If you want to know all about John Lennon's adultery pact, when he left Yoko Ono for a year of "reckless debauchery" and told her, "You must take a lover too," then click here. [Daily Mail]
• Kevin Bacon will produce a Showtime series called The Booths about the man who would assassinate Abraham Lincoln. [Variety]
• Rod Stewart's son is in rehab. [The Sun]
• Jude Law picked up some dancer at a club in NYC and she stayed "holed up" in his hotel room for three days. [Page Six]
• There's Bull Durham sequel in the works. No, really. [Page Six]
• "I'm going to stop playing when I'm 67 and work on what I really want to do, which is to be a minister, like Little Richard." — Carlos Santana. [Reuters]
• "I've always admired her talent. She's somewhat hampered sometimes by having this gorgeous face, the most gorgeous face on the planet. She's on covers and all that stuff. But she is a great talent, and it would be easy to overlook that, except after seeing this you realize that she is this great, talented person." — Clint Eastwood on Angelina Jolie, who stars in The Changeling, which he directed. [People]
• "I really loved my husband's penis. It was really pretty." — Pink. [Mirror]

• Angelina Jolie let her sons, Maddox and Pax, attend her sonogram, so the kids could see their new siblings — the twins. [MSNBC]
  
• The Beyoncé pregnancy rumors have begun. [Page Six]
  
• Oooh! One of the first reviews of Sex And The City: "It can feel like a never ending dinner party: however pleasant the courses, after a while you can hardly eat another one." Ugh. [Times Of London]
  
• And! "It is Kim Cattrall as sex mad Samantha who steals the show with all the big laughs... The product placement is less than subtle... There is a totally pointless visit to New York fashion week which has nothing to do with the plots. It is much, much too long for a romantic comedy... More than two hours spent with four air kissing, shopping, screaming women will surely tire out most men." [The Sun]
  
• Cynthia Nixon says: "Because of the show, I have wonderful clothes, but I never even used to wear high heels." [Telegraph]
  
• Candace Bushnell says: "When I began dating at 17, I assumed that men would be nice." [Times Of London]

• Felicity's Scott Speedman hearts pot. Maryjane. Ganja. Weed. Pakalolo. [Perez Hilton]
• Three jurors have been chosen for the R. Kelly trial. Six years after the tape surfaced, there's actual progress in the case. [Yahoo News]
• Did you know that Joaquin Phoenix is recording an album? He's working with the Charlatans frontman Tim Burgess. "Once he learned guitar [for Walk The Line], he found that he had quite a lot of demons inside himself that he wanted to expel through music," Burges explains. But! Before you start clearing a spot next to your Scarlett Johansson CD, know this: "All the tracks that [we] worked on were brilliant," says Burgess. "But I think he just keeps scrapping everything or redoing everything. I'm sad to say that I think it's one of those records that may never come out, to be honest with you." [Reuters]
• Katie Holmes will make her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller's All My Sons this fall. Does that mean she and Suri will move to NY? [Just Jared]
• Miley Cyrus has a new single, "7 Things," you're probably dying to hear. (Listen here.) It's a list of all the things she hates about her ex. "You're vain, your games, you're insecure/You love me, you like her/You make me laugh you make me cry." It's kind of country punk, slow and then fast. Maybe teenage girls will love it? It's perfect for jumping up and down on the bed to. [People]
• Noel Gallagher of Oasis doesn't think Jay-Z should play the Glasonbury Festival because it has "a tradition of guitar music." Jay says, "We have to respect each other's genre of music and move forward." The times, they are a-changin'. [The Sun]
• The season finale party for The Hills was held last night and guess who didn't show up? Photo-op lovers Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Montag's rep had tow words: "Not invited." That is ice cold. [E!]
• Amy Winehouse stumbled home at 1 am and accidentally left her friend Kristian Marr outside, so he broke into her garage to sleep. Cops showed up at 2am and removed him. Whoops! [The Sun]
• Tom Breihan of the Village Voice says Scarlett Johansson's album is't so bad! "Everything on the album comes submerged in a viscous shoegaze amber that honors the faraway mystery of the Waits originals without ever attempting to replicate their sound," he writes. "It's not a masterpiece, but it unfolds like a long, luxuriant, theatrical sigh, and I'll take that." [Village Voice]
• Scott Weiland is in jail right now. He checked in yesterday and will serve eight days for his DUI conviction. [People]
• Pete Doherty says he knew he needed to be drug free when he tried to murder one of his kittens. "I got a shovel and was going to kill one of the cats. That was when I was, like, you know, 'I'm a bit of a mess.' It was a bit of a crazy time." Ya think? [The Sun]
• Socialites throw themselves at Shia LaBeouf, and he doesn't mind a bit. Also, he says "I've been in love with every woman I've ever worked with." [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which young star — who plays gay on his hot TV show — has a taste for significantly older women?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Pictures of the guy who knocked out Suge Knight! He's a 5'10" 173 lb. barber. (Suge is 6'3" and weighs 315 lbs. The barber is hardcore.) [TMZ]
• Britney was on How I Met Your Mother again last night. She wasn't funny. [TMZ]
• In this picture of Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan shopping in Paris, you can see Samantha's hickey really well. [Dana's Dirt via ONTD]
• Rapper Remy Ma was set to marry rapper Papoose, despite the fact that she is jailed. But! Someone smuggled a handcuff key into the prison and now the wedding has been canceled! [The.Life Files]
• "As a kid, I considered suicide and even attempted [it] a couple of times because I thought it would be easier to be dead." — Tyler Perry, writer/director/actor of Meet The Browns. [Rush & Molloy]

• Cynthia Nixon, Distracted: Nixon is set to star in this Off Broadway play by Lisa Loomer about a mother "struggling to learn" whether her son has ADD. According to a previous review, Nixon's character plays more of a narrator to the play. Verdict: She may be a Victim, but it seems like the character is too removed from the story to garner a full verdict, so it all depends on how Nixon plays it.

• Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice: Berry will star and produce this "indie" film about a woman "struggling" with multiple personality disorder and a racist, white, other personality that preys upon her mind. Berry playing a white and black character? It's like Queen all over again! Except for the whole psychological disorder thing. Verdict: Racism and a mental disorder? Victim.

• Sophie Monk, Hardbreakers: Professional nobody Monk will be fleshing out her IMDB profile by starring in the straight-to-DVD film, Hardbreakers. The movie follows two hot and caraaazy single girls who are navigating the dating scene in LA. Monk will play a girl who "has been with a lot of guys." Verdict: This movie is so Z-List we shouldn't even be paying attention to it, but Monk sounds like she will be a pseudo-"feminist" slutty Hooker who will probably end up learning a special lesson about sleeping around once she meets Mr. Right.

• Keshia Knight Pulliam, Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail: Little Rudy from The Cosby Show will star in Perry's newest film as an imprisoned prostitute who is rescued by Perry's matriarch, Madea after she spends some time in jail.Verdict: The very obvious answer: Hooker.

• Ashley Tisdale, Teen Witch: Tisdale, who is apparently some sort of celebrity, will star in a remake of the pseudo-musical (and one of my personal favorite campy movies) Teen Witch. Tisdale will play an unpopular girl who learns she is a witch and then uses her powers to get back at the popular girls at school. She also makes her BFF perform a poorly lip-synched rap and watches impromptu dance performances by cheerleaders. Verdict: This movie is too campy and young to fall into any of the stereotypes.

Cynthia Nixon To Star In "Distracted" [Variety]
Queen [IMDB]
Halle Berry Set For "Frankie And Alice" [Variety]
Sophie Monk Signs For "Hardbreakers" [THR]
Crosby Daughter Hooks Up With "Madea" Comdey [THR via Yahoo!]
Teen Witch Rap Scene [Youtube]
Teen Witch- I Like Boys [YouTube]
Ashley Tisdale Graduates "High School" [THR]

The New York Times forgot the TYLER PERRY in Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? and had to issue a correction last week. (Not surprising. This is the same paper that referred to that little Oscar-winning ditty as "It's Hard Out THERE for a pimp." It's hard out HERE, Schulzberger. Not that you would know from your soon-to-be-tree-lined lobby.) Perry's new self-titled flick features four married couples who take a yearly trip to the mountains to answer the age-old question of why anyone would trade in random sex and complete independence for sex with one person and a mother-in-law. The film deals with many weighty issues (venereal disease! workaholics!), there's a whole lotta asking Jesus for help, love-will-carry-us-thru, blah blah blah, and a hilarious roun-table scene where everyone learns his/her shit stinks.

But really, if you haven't been there, you are probably wondering, "Just How Hard Is It Out Here For A Spouse?" I mean, chances are the marriages you have experienced most closely, your parents', are either long since over (mine) or blissful as a result of circumstances that could just no way in hell recreate themselves in the modern era. (Moe's.) In most marriages these days, that thing happens where your best friend is your husband, and all your other best friends are either single and they don't really get it, or in LTR/marriages wherein they confide everything to their significant other so you can't really be honest with them anyway, which makes for this weird honesty vacuum that is strange. Whereas when you were single every one of your friends' boy problems was an exact replica of some boy problems you'd had with some other boy a few boys back, suddenly you're like, on your own. Together! Which is why, IMHO, this movie has done so well. And since I did that whole pick-out-a-china-pattern, open-presents-at-not-so-surprise-shower only to-act-absolutely-shocked-to-then-see-said -china-pattern-on-the-very-plate-I-registered-for, I thought I could shed some light on the major themes in Perry's film. (Except Janet Jackson's cheekbones. I don't know what the hell happened there.)

Do people who are married really fuck around that much?
There's a lot of adultery going on in the TPWDIGM. Perry introduces the 80/20 rule whereby you get 80% of what you need from your partner and 20% elsewhere. People will make the mistake of going after the 20%, only to lose the 80% in the process (a la Chris Rock's 'Commitment versus New Pussy'). This sound about right. All married people do is think about sex. Are we having enough sex? I mean, it seems good for now, but what if it just stops? What if that kinda lazy missionary sex we had this morning turns out to be the last sex I have for the next month? Think that couple over there is having more sex than us? Is our sex good enough? Should we be having sex upside down in the conservatory with the candlestick? Ooooh, candlesticks, isn't that something a Republican congressman did once? Or was that Richard Gere... Forget it. At least 80% good sex is VD-free.

At the very least, can marriage calm down one's body issues?
Just because Jill Scott loses the fat suit in the film doesn't mean women all of a sudden get married and feel great about their thighs. In fact, some of us have more body issues than ever since we couldn't maintain the lettuce-and-ice-cubes diet we survived on for 8 months before the wedding. Typical conversation:

Me: I'm as fat as a purdue chicken.

Him: Purdue chickens are actually quite lean.

Me: Fine, I'm as fat as a purdue chicken on an HD-TV. You know, honey, like ours! Because all we ever do is sit and watch television anymore and maybe that's why my ASS GREW ITS OWN ASS?

On Babies...
Diane doesn't want any more kids. Terry does. You didn't even lick the stamps yet on the thank-you-notes and everyone is asking when you are going to poop out a kid. When are you having a baby? is second only to How's married life? as the most annoying question EVER. Then, when your friends actually start having kids on purpose—as opposed to those people from high school who call their rug rat a "blessing"—they have to gall to suggest you get on the baby-making wagon. Like everyone's doing it. Like it's so easy and fun. You lose your drinking buddies to women who only want to talk about their uteruses (uteri?).

Money.
Angela is all upset that she's the breadwinner and Marcus just works for her. Well duh: in marriage, one person is going to make more dough. But while divorce is the great destroyer of wealth, marriage will at least let you live in an apartment without thirteen roommates. There will be the traditional merging of bank accounts - though it may go something like this:

Him: When are you going to get your check direct deposited into our new joint account?

Me: I did already.

Him: Oh. Seriously?

Me: Yes!

Him: That's really how much you make?

Me: Welcome to the rest of your life!

At this point, you might also want to bring up getting life insurance...