• Lady Gaga was seen partying in West Hollywood with a "boy-toy."

They were dancing and drinking and wearing matching studded ensembles. They drank champagne and left early. Get it girl! [E!]

• Steven Tyler has entered rehab to deal with his addiction to pain killers. In a statement, he says: "With the help of my family and team of medical professionals, I am taking responsibility for the management of my pain and am eager to be back on the stage and in the recording studio with my bandmates… I love Aerosmith." Apparently Tyler has suffered injuries over the last decade that left him with "severe chronic pain" and he'll need additional surgeries on his knees and feet. [People]
• Peaches Geldof started — or fueled — a Twitter rumor that Miley Cyrus was dead. Not cool. [Perez]
• A judge has ruled that Britney Spears will remain under the conservatorship of her father for six months to a year. Say what you will, but it seems to be working. [TMZ, Radar Online]
• Cue Twihard squee: The first still from Eclipse, the third Twilight movie, has been released. FLOWERS. SPARKLE VAMP. MOPE. [ONTD via MTV]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Tiger Woods' ladyfriend Rachel Uchitel is not, repeat, not pregnant. You may hear otherwise, especially if you read Star magazine. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Jake Gyllenhaal was spotted partying in New York with Matt Dillon, Justin Theroux and Mark Ronson. An axis of hotness. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan was seen drinking in L.A. with Kevin Connolly and Leonardo DiCaprio. [People]
• Recently-released FBI documents show that police thought that terrorists would attack Michael Jackson's trial because of the "worldwide media coverage" it would attract. In addition, the FBI monitored MJ for over a decade. [ABC News via AP]
• Dr. Conrad Murray, who is still being investigated in the death of Michael Jackson, will star in a TV special. A British documentary crew shot footage of him as he returned to work. Of course, the show can't air until the investigation is complete, which could be a couple of years. [TMZ]
• Brittany Murphy was working on multiple film projects before her death, and one director she worked with says: "She knew her material, and she was on her game. She was professional. She was there for me. She was healthy." He adds that her husband and her dog were often on set with her: "The two of them really took care of each other,. He was her teddy bear, and she was just his little princess." [AP]
• Brittany Murphy's role in a romcom called Shrinking Charlotte will have to be recast. [TMZ]
• An expert — forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht — is convinced that Brittany Murphy's death was the result of an overdose. "One [drug that she took] was involved with Michael Jackson, Ativan. One of them was a drug that was involved with Anna Nicole Smith, Klonopin.'' [Miami Herald]
• Information about which prescription drugs were in Brittany Murphy's house was posted on TMZ, and the Coroner's office is "furious" that the details were leaked. How does TMZ get this stuff? [Mirror]
• Brittany Murphy's funeral will be held tomorrow, Christmas Eve. [Radar Online]
• Why didn't Gabby Sidibe win an African-American Film Critics Association best actress award? A nefarious theory, at the link. [NY Mag]
• It seems that instead of Dr. Watson, people are calling Jude Law "Hotson." Jude says: "Mostly I was only hot because I was wearing those thick tweed suits, massive overcoats and hat and gloves. I was always the one perspiring on set." [ABC News via AP]
• For the final show of Pink's tour, her husband Carey Hart came out on stage and had her dancers strip him down to his underwear. Then Pink straddled him. God I love these two. [Perez]
• Mischa Barton tried to take her dog into Whole Foods and was pissed when she wasn't allowed. She should have shown the security guy her mangled hand, maybe he'd have some sympathy! [Gatecrasher]
• Christina Aguilera was in a minor fender bender last night. [TMZ]
• T.I. is out of prison already? [AP]
• The stalker/fan accused of harassing Ashanti's mother was convicted yesterday and faces 2 years in prison. [ABC News via AP]
• Rihanna went to a comedy club with Ludacris. [E!]
• Heiress vs. heiress: Casey Johnson is jealous of Paris Hilton? [Page Six]
• If you think Sarah Silverman and Demetri Martin are funny, you're in luck: They're both returning to Comedy Central in February. [NY Mag]
• The Karate Kid remake starring Will Smith's son looks okay, except that Jackie Chain's stache is creptastic. Trailer at the link. [NY Mag]
• An animated version of Ricky Gervais's podcast: In the works. [NY Mag]
• The Edge says that U2 wrote a song for the soundtrack of the Tobey Maguire/Natalie Portman/Jake Gyllenhaal movie Brothers after being asked by director Jim Sheridan — and after seeing the film: "We didn't have anything (ready) but were just going to work on some music. We had a couple of interesting beginnings, but then we saw a rough cut of the film, and that gave us the inspiration." [USA Today]
• Ugh, Dance Your Ass Off got renewed. Season 2 begins next year; there were auditions in NYC yesterday. [ET]
• Kristin Scott Thomas has dropped out of an upcoming Paris production of A Little Night Music because she injured her foot. [Variety]
• True Blood scoop: Lafayette is getting a boyfriend. [EW]
• The LAPD held rapper Kid Cudi at gunpoint yesterday in a case of mistaken identity. Driving while black? [Reuters]
• Megan Mullally will return to Broadway in a Terrence McNally's play Lips Together, Teeth Apart. I miss Karen! [LA Times]
• Boy George wanted to be on Celebrity Big Brother, but a British court is saying that he can't, since he's still on probation and could make thousands from the appearance. [AP]
• Randy and Evi Quaid were in court yesterday and pleaded not guilty to skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill. [AP]
• Does the $42,000 the Balloon Boy parents have been fined seem like enough? [Daily Mail]
• The Vatican hearts The Simpsons. [AP]
• The recession has hit Oscar campaigns, which are more low-key than usual. [Reuters]
• And yet: For the first time, U.S. and Candadian ticket sales have crossed the $10 billion mark. [Reuters]
• Paging Nurse Jackie fans: Mo-Mo the gay guy is off the show. [Gatecrasher]
• Justin Long gave out toys to homeless children, who look unimpressed by him in these photos. [ONTD]
• "I've been active all my life. And I haven't smoked in a long time. The reason and I can get through this show is that I eat right. I don't eat red meat. I eat chicken and fish. And salad. And steamed vegetables, occasionally roasted. I don't eat desserts. And I don't drink, well, maybe a glass of wine now and then. This sounds like a laughable way to live. But it's me. It's a good, healthy life. I'm not good at doing nothing… I don't know what retirement means." — Estelle Parsons, 82, who has just landed a role in Tony Award-winning play August: Osage County. [Reuters]
• "I can't say that I noticed anything that led me to believe, 'Oh my God, this person is messed up.' But one hears rumblings. It's a small town, and you hear from other people on other crews, but that's all rumors and stuff. [When she did 8 Mile] I was feeling — maybe not just then at that particular time, but over time — that she was maybe being pressured to be a certain body type and a certain kind of actress as far as playing the sexy, blonde, thin girl… And that she was buying into what she was supposed to be, rather than just being a wonderful, innocent young girl." — Clueless director Amy Heckerling, who says she is "shocked and angry" about Brittany Murphy's death and doesn't understand why no one was "watching out with what was going on with her." [ET]
• "It's too hard to live on a planet where you're a monster for not being moved by Susan Boyle's performance." — Michael Cera, to Maxim. [Page Six]
• "I hate Christmas. When I used to drink, it was a good excuse to get drunk for two weeks. Now I just hate it. [In 2003[ I was in a coma for a while, so I missed Christmas. Thank God." — Ozzy Osbourne. [Gatecrasher via Contact Music]
• "I have read the first two episodes and I can tell you that I will be singing and dancing. I can't tell you what I'm singing because it's top-secret. It's a very cold song." — Jane Lynch, aka your fave misanthrope, Sue Sylvester, on the next chunk of episodes of Glee. [ONTD via SheWired]

This eight-inch tall Kubrick of Max from Where The Wild Things Are is fairly cute and totally collectible, which is why they can price it at $149.99. Me? I'd rather have the "My Reusable Bag Makes Me Better Than You" tote, for $9.99. I might even buy one for my sister.

It was actually someone's job to be on nose-quality control for this Barbra Streisand Barbie. Think about that.

Wolverine's leather jacket is awesome, though pricey ($348.99). The Boondock Saints figures have interchangeable heads! Meanwhile. Lucius Malfoy looks like he had a bad experience at the salon. Someone get him a concentrated humectant, STAT!

Yeah yeah yeah. Twilight. I was just noticing how cute Coraline's outfits are. $42 for a set of three? Seems fair. I wish she came with the glow-in-the-dark star spangled sweater, though.

Um. This Bruce Wayne doll. Is hot. Am I weird? Because I really think they did a good job. A scowl like that makes my parts feel funny. And yet: For $205, he really ought to offer to cook dinner. Or, at the very least, vibrate.

I really wish that Anakin Skywalker's robe and boots could be my new blogging outfit. Add a white tee and jeans and you have an ensemble! I'd go to the deli, the post office, etc. It's really a fashion-forward look, right up there with Cloak or Margiela. Until you add the light saber.

The Debbie Harry doll "screams charisma!" But not literally. Unfortunately.

Wait. OMG. Tiny stripper shoes.

Joan Jett's sneakers and wrist bandanna: Love.

I know she was unusual. But she didn't have rick rack on her dress, did she?

Earlier: Entertainment Earth: Where Your Fangirl Dreams Come True

Harry & David's Merry, Mouth-Watering Christmas With A Crunch
Free People: Let's Pretend It's The Summer Of '69
Anthropologie's Hazy Shade Of Winter
Fetchdog, Drs Fosters & Smith: Howliday Humiliation For Dogs & Cats
Dear Santa: Have You Seen The December J. Crew?
Barneys: Wooing With Witticisms & Wallet-Emptying Wares
Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Silver Belles & Butt Floss: Christmas At Frederick's Of Hollywood
Preclears On Your List? Shop The Scientology Holiday Catalog

In Edward and Bella's relationship, he's controlling, he threatens to commit suicide, he throws her through a glass table, he's jealous of her outside relationships and sometimes loses his temper and damages property when angry. Romantic! But what about stories like Romeo & Juliet? Or Beauty And The Beast? Suicide, violence and death are often at the core of great love stories.

While it makes for glorious, romantic subject matter, all-consuming, obsessive love is, in itself, "unhealthy." Telling someone that you can't live without her sounds romantic, but any therapist would probably diagnose that kind of talk as dysfunctional and codependent. Yet love stories are full of characters — Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights; Satine in Moulin Rouge; the couple in Pretty Woman — who are often liars, cads or ne'er do wells with psychological issues (fear of commitment, etc).

The thing about teenage love, especially, is that it feels like life or death even when vampires are not involved. The characters in flicks like Sixteen Candles, 10 Things I Hate About You and Say Anything take love so seriously that they could also be deemed "unhealthy," with the right diagnosis. In New Moon, Bella is thrown into truly dangerous situations — where her life is actually in peril — and it only functions to make the movie more romantic. He saves her, he represses the urge to bite her, he'd go to Italy and stand in the sun and kill himself if she ever died. Falling for someone — and being vulnerable — is already dangerous, in a way; love stories often just ramp up the drama with peril. While it's not cool that Edward is controlling of Bella, it seems like we, as a culture, love questionable romantic heroes and rebels without causes. Would we even know it was love if there was no danger? Edward and Bella may be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but she's not the first — and we, as an audience, seem to like it that way.

What Do You See In Him Again? [Captain's Log]
Official: Twilight's Bella & Edward Are In An Abusive Relationship [ONTD]
Official: Twilight's Bella & Edward Are In An Abusive Relationship [io9]

Earlier: I Have An Abusive Boyfriend, And He's Coming Home At 8

His Rolling Stone cover hits stands now-ish.

Taylor Lautner Covers Rolling Stone In A Wet T-Shirt [JustJared]

Earlier: Can Werewolves Swim?

• A friend of Daul Kim who IM'd with the model the night before Kim was found dead in her Paris apartment says that Kim complained of feeling depressed, and was in an abusive relationship. But she was scared to leave:

• Writes reporter Peter Davis, who read the chat, "She'd punched him in the face; he'd yanked her hair. But she was afraid to leave him, afraid to suffer the agony of being apart. The last time they separated, she hadn't been able to eat, dropping from 112 to 99 lbs. Her friend begged her to leave town, book a job, call her mother. No, she said. She'd miss her dog. She ended the conversation abruptly, saying she was going off to the clean the house. A few hours later, Kim was found by her boyfriend, hanged in her luxurious apartment in Paris' 10th arrondissement." This alleged history of violence between Kim and her boyfriend is the reason her father is understood to not believe his daughter killed herself. The rest of The Daily Beast's story is the usual sensationalist "5'10" stunner" bullshit, leavened with factual errors. Davis has Kim's work history spectacularly confused, and even gets both the name and the URL of Kim's acclaimed blog wrong. [TDB]
• Top Australian model Catherine McNeil — who has been taking a five-month break from her work — appeared in public in Sydney with what appear to be self-inflicted cuts on her arms. (Her agent says she "fell off her skateboard and into some bushes.") Sensitive news articles that quote experts on the subject of self-harm will probably help the situation, right? Oh, wait. The professor this paper dug up says: "Self-harm is, sadly, very common and is becoming a bit of a trend...In some groups of young people, it's even considered virtually a fashionable thing to do." [Daily Telegraph]
• Sharon Stone went to Uganda and saw some people with "nothing to eat. literally zero to eat." So her new jewelry collection for Damiani will devote a portion of its proceeds to building wells in developing countries. [WWD]
• Tom Ford: "I like Twilight. I liked the first one, and I'm dying to see the new one." [The Cut]
• Would Lady Gaga take inspiration from Doctor Who for a stage outfit? I think we all know the answer is yes. [Telegraph]
• Pierre Bergé, who is the president of French AIDS charity Sidaction — the recent auction of Bergé's and Yves Saint Laurent's household goods and art collection went to benefit Sidaction — went on French television to tell off a fund-raising telethon for children with muscular dystrophy. The telethon is "[sponging] off the generosity of the French in a populist manner by exhibiting the unhappiness of children," said Bergé. [WWD]
• Coco Chanel used to wear these big enamel bangles with the Maltese cross on them. They were made for her specially by a socialite jewelry designer who happened to be a member of the Italian nobility. Naturally, Verdura, the company the socialite founded, is reissuing the bangles in sets of two, made of 18ct yellow gold, and set with enough gemstones to make the 7-year-old rockhound in all of us squeal: there are sapphires, rubies, emeralds, amethysts, aquamarines, Madeira topaz, citrines, and a prasolite. Just in time for the holidays! They are, of course, price on application. [Telegraph]
• Stella McCartney had a comedy troupe in drag for her holiday party. Sounds like our kind of shindig. [Elle UK]
• Leona Lewis is going to do an animal-friendly fashion line with McCartney. [OK!]
• And McCartney has lined up Natalia Vodianova for her spring campaign. The Russian model will also be replacing Christy Turlington as the face of YSL — apparently Stefano Pilati is still on his supermodels kick — and she nabbed Givenchy's campaign. [Elle UK]
• Making Hermès boots involves soaking Swiss bullhides in chestnut oil. What, like you think they'd use inferior German bullhides? Pshaw. [Telegraph]
• Sean "P. Diddy" Combs will appear on a sleek, all-white set with windows that display the New York skyline, an animal skin rug on the floor, and a gas fire, to toast his latest act of selling out: Shilling his perfumes — count 'em, he's got two — on HSN. [WWD]
• Anna Wintour went to a party to celebrate current Vogue cover woman Cate Blanchett's role in A Streetcar Named Desire. [TDB]
• Charis Wilson, a model and Edward Weston's muse and wife, has died in California, aged 95. [NYTimes]
• By the way, that little fashion show Victoria's Secret threw a few nights back cost around $10 million to produce. [WWD]
• Sales of women's clothing fell 3.3% on last year for the first half of November, the opening of the traditional holiday shopping period. Department store sales fell 7.1%, and sales of men's clothing fell just 1%. Online sales across all categories rose 19.4%. [AP]

• 'Sup Twihards? This column alleges Robert Pattinson is a "hot property" thanks to New Moon's record-breaking box office this weekend…

The flick sold more tix on opening day than The Dark Knight did last year. Personally, I don't think the Sparkle Vamp did it all alone: The story, KStew, and the Buff Werewolf deserve part of the blame credit. [Daily Mail]

• Fans pretended they were guests of the Bowery Hotel so they could catch a glimpse of Robert Pattinson drinking in the hotel bar. [Gatecrasher]
• Despite being painfully tedious, New Moon earned $140.7 million during its first three days of release in the US and Canada, and is now third behind The Dark Knight and Spider-Man 2 in terms of record opening weekends. [Reuters]
• Sandra Bullock had a big weekend as well: The Blind Side made about $34.5 million, the best opening of her career — just over The Proposal's $33.6 million weekend. [ONTD via Entertainment Weekly]
• Last night at the AMAs, Michael Jackson won four, but Taylor Swift walked away with six, including artists of the year. [USA Today]
• This piece claims that Miley Cyrus' '80s-themed 17th birthday bash was a surprise party, but didn't we hear that she wore a Pretty Woman ensemble? She must have been tipped off. [People]
• What kind of fuckery is this? Amy Winehouse proposed to Blake Fielder Civil? And he said yes? Blaaaaake allegedly told a source: "We've been talking on the phone five or six times a day. On Friday she told me she was going to put the engagement ring [I gave her the first time around] on. We'd changed our status to married on Facebook a couple of weeks back but that was more of a laugh. This is the real deal. She told me she wanted to get married again. I feel so happy." [News Of The World]
• Lindsay Lohan allegedly wanted to pick up a bunch of stuff from trendy LA store Kitson — without paying. A source says it's ridiculous, especially since the store carries her 6126 leggings line: "We're actually really offended. The tables have turned and now we're the customer. We spent $50,000 on her leggings line, but she hasn't come to the store in three years, and she didn't even do a personal appearance. She should have brought cookies for the staff to thank them for selling her leggings because she does nothing. We don't know if we'll continue to carry them." [Daily Express]
• Britney Spears invited several girls from a children's hospital backstage before a show in Sydney, Australia. A nice gesture, and also an attempt to get the lip-sync stories out of the news? [Radar Online]
• Seven bulls being used in the Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz movie Knight & Day (previously titled Wichita) escaped and ran through the streets of Cadiz, Spain. Two people were hurt as the bulls headed for the beach. [EW]
• Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson, Pierce Brosnan and Neil Patrick Harris attended the 2009 CNN Heroes Awards, honoring people who make a difference in the lives of others. [NY Daily News]
• If you watch Jude Law do yoga on the balcony of his apartment, he will throw oranges at you. You've been warned. [Just Jared]
• Jude Law and Sienna Miller: Back on? They were spotted out at a club doing shots, holding hands, acting cozy, etc. [Gatecrasher]
• Are Jude Law and Colin Farrell better as supporting actors? [NY Mag]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin had an all-day mediation hearing in Pennsylvania on Saturday, and Jon "didn't dispute Kate having primary custody of the kids," according to a source. Jon showed up with a bouquet of roses, which Kate refused to take: "In what should have been their most serious moment as a couple," says the source, "Jon again resorted to a publicity stunt." [People, Us]
• Heidi Klum's request to become Heidi Samuel: Approved. [NY Daily News]
• Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson celebrated Bronx Mowgli's first birthday with a bouncehouse, a cake and someone dressed as SpongeBob. And, presumably: Flatirons; eyeliner. [People]
• LOL: "Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe defended by Draco Malfoy in cannabis row." [Telegraph]
• Eyeroll: Lauren Conrad has a style book coming out next fall. [NY Daily News]
• The Discovery Channel is psyched to be partnering with Oprah in her attempts to create OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network. [UPI]
• At the link, quotes from Ellen DeGeneres, Gayle King and Martha Stewart about Oprah and her decision to end her show; Gayle says: "Oprah always makes the best decision for herself… And I have a feeling she will come up with some things to do. We don't need to worry about her filling her time, I promise you that." [NY Daily News]
• Robin Thicke and wife Paula Patton are expecting their first child in May and have already picked names: "We like Julian if it's a boy and Isabella if it's a girl," he says. Personally I think it's weird (possibly unlucky) to name so early… and to tell People. Thoughts? [People]
• Meg Ryan and Nip/Tuck's Julian McMahon? Going on dates? He's Australian, like Russell Crowe, with whom Meg allegedly had an affair, thus ending her marriage to Dennis Quaid. Oh, and McMahon maybe has a girlfriend. [News.com.au]
• Investigators found a receipt showing that Dr. Conrad Murray purchased propofol on May 12 and administered doses from that batch to Michael Jackson in the hours before his death on June 25. [NY Post]
• Gwen Stefani and Jon Bon Jovi are suing ally's Saloon and Eatery in Minneapolis, Minnesota for playing their songs without the proper music license. (?!?!) [Daily Express]
• U2 will headline the Glastonbury festival on Friday night. [The Sun]
• Aerosmith is not looking for a new lead singer, despite reports to the contrary. [UPI]
• Levi Johnston's mom: Going to jail on an intent to distribute OxyContin charge. [NY Post]
• This column asks if Leona Lewis will have Titanic-style success with her theme song for James Cameron's Avatar, but I doubt the movie will enjoy Titanic-style adoration. [LA Times]
• Robbie Williams is looking for investors, if you have $83 mil. [Reuters]
• Creed's Scott Stapp tells Spin magazine there's no actual sex in his 1999 sex tape. You know, the one where he and Kid Rock were on a bus with groupies and received oral sex? [Page Six]
• Jenna Ushkowitz, aka "Goth girl Tina Cohen-Chang" on Glee, says the whole cast is close: "It's disgusting how much we all really love each other." [NY Post]
• Major eyeroll: Carrie Prejean's brother says, "I'm all the way against gay marriage. I don't feel that it's right that a man and a man should raise a kid." [Radar Online]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Personal girlcrush Monica Bellucci is three months pregnant. (Her husband, Vincent Cassel, is easy on the eyes as well.) [ONTD via MediaFax]
• Rachael Ray gave Diddy a diamond cuff for his birthday. [Page Six]
• Q. You're 45 and dating very attractive 26-year-old Hollywood actress Amber Tamblyn. Do you give hope to baldies everywhere?
  A: "If you want to use me as an example, sure. But I think it would be a false hope. It's certainly not my looks that are reeling in the ladies. It's more about my completely average-sized cock. — David Cross. [Guardian]
• "British TV personality David Frost will be honored at the 37th Annual International Emmy Awards for a wide-ranging career that has taken him from pioneering political satire on television to conducting serious interviews with former President Richard Nixon and other newsmakers." [NY Times]
• Skater Tai Babilonia will wear skates, a tiny flesh-coloredthing and a sign across her chest while gliding through Rockefeller Center's ice rink for PETA's "Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign. [Page Six]
• "A Canadian man has admitted shoving Noel Gallagher at an Oasis concert in Toronto in September 2008, claiming he was drunk at the time." [Guardian]
• Whatshername quit I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. [Daily Mail]
• "Fuck them, what else can I say? Why doesn't that little bitch that wrote that try and write a song — which they wont be able to do and that's why they're sitting behind their little computer, eating their little chips and writing that hateful shit — why don't they write their own song and see what they can come up with?" — Michael Bublé, on a journalist who described his music as being as "cheesy as a quesadilla." [News.com.au]
• "People always compliment me on my performance in the movie, but I cannot take credit for it at all because I truly had no idea what the film was about." — Christina Ricci on The Ice Storm. [Gatecrasher]
• "Age is no issue to me. Fifty is the new 30. Seventy is the new 50. There are no rules that say you have to dress a certain way, or be a certain way. We are living in exciting times for women. Keep up with fashion, keep up with your figure and the clothes you wear. If you look good and you can still do it, then go and do it. I have never worried about age. I am vain. When I look in the mirror, I want to look good to myself. I'm kind of OK with how I'm ageing." — Tina Turner. [Daily Express]
• "We've seen female pop and rock performers do that for the last 10 years. They've been very provocative, owning their power and sexuality. You just don't see men doing it very often. And I'm hoping to break down that double standard with this number." — Adam Lambert on his performance in which "he thrusts a leather-clad male backup dancer's face toward his crotch, and later flashes a knowing smile as he strokes the same dancer's cheek after plowing through a door that swings both ways." [AP]
• "Obama's best material during the campaign was cherry-picked from the things Kucinich had been talking about for a long time. And Kucinich continues to be really the people's congressman. He is the one with the most conscience regarding health care, the banking issue, the bailout. He's the guy who said we should not go into Iraq, and was called a traitor for it. He was a guy who said, 'This Patriot Act is not a good thing, we should not vote for it.' Even people in his own party were saying, 'Why do you say that?' And he says, 'Because I read it,' and there was silence. 'Cause none of them had read it. They just voted yes because they were told to. Same with health care stuff." — Viggo Mortensen. [Mother Jones]
• "I had a girl faint on me. And then the criers. And then the cougars-the Twi-Moms-always come after us. That's been very surreal, because we've had phone numbers slipped in our back pockets. It's like we're The Beatles." — Chaske Spencer, aka New Moon's wolf pack leader Sam Uley. [EW]
• "During World War II, when money was tight, everything was rationed and the most basic commodities impossible to find, women went out of their way to look as attractive as possible… They always wore red lipstick and would melt remnants into tiny containers so as not to waste any, then use a brush to apply it with great care.… here we are in the middle of yet another great recession, depression, slump - whatever our politicians care to call it - and money is tighter than an 18th-century corset. Women still need to cheer themselves up, so what better way to do it than to decorate their faces? I believe that 90 per cent of women can look prettier, healthier and happier in red lipstick, the only disadvantage being that it can leave its mark on a friend's cheek… What better way to face the world than with a perfect face, great hair and good nails? And for those critics who pooh-pooh this idea, let me say to them: just try it. It works - I know it does." — from a column written by Joan Collins. [Daily Mail]
• "I am really in love. I am really happy. Chivalry, opening doors for a woman. It is a big thing. My boyfriend still takes me out for dinner every week. He won't tell me where we are going. He puts on a suit and just takes me out and treats me like a lady." — Lily Allen. [Daily Mail]
• "As an English actress, you have to don a bonnet at some point. This was my time. There was a tsunami of women behind me wanting the role, so I sort of bullied myself in. Many period films are very arch and stiff, and I don't respond to the characters. If I see 'the rebellious English rose' in stage directions, I'm already bored. But this was a girl who was willing to expose herself to the world. That was what was different for me." — Emily Blunt. [NY Mag]
• "I mean, 75 years. That's a long time. [The black experience] is a major part of the story of America. And Disney is excited about telling it. I'm deeply honored to be involved. On the flip side of that, it's not a black movie. It's a movie that has a young black woman as the title character, but it's a story for everyone. I think that anybody can look at this movie and say, 'I remember when I was yearning for something and it was so difficult and I had to work so hard.' That's the beautiful thing about it - it's so inclusive." — Anika Noni Rose on The Princess And The Frog. [NY Daily News]
• "There are certain expressions lifted right off of my face… When she's smiling, she lights up the screen. She has my nose. There's a certain scene toward the end where she has a change in hairdo, in a fantasy sequence, where she looks dead-on." — Anika Noni Rose on Tiana in The Princess And The Frog. [NY Daily News]
• "Pam is due to have her baby in February. I don't know what it is. It's going to be a surprise. There have been a lot of discussions about it but no decision has been made yet. So it's really like a real pregnancy. I think we're going to find out when they write it. What I'm having. It should be really interesting… I don't know if it's that she has chosen not to, but they've chosen not to reveal it. I don't know if you've noticed, but she's always referring to her baby as, like, in things that are not gender-specific." — Jenna Fischer, aka Pam on The Office. [Pop Eater]

Look, crew, it doesn't matter if you've read the books or seen the movies or not. We're now living in a Twilight world, controlled by Twilight girls. The army has amassed! They have pocket money and they aren't afraid to spend it! Sparkly vampires beat Batman at the box office, you guys. Edward Cullen and his stupid Volvo have defeated the Batmobile. This is serious biz, everybody. If Batman can't even beat the sparkle brigade, who can? YOU CAN, friends, if you follow these simple directions.


Pick A Team: You're either Team Edward (sparkly Volvo-driving vampire) or Team Jacob (that's the 17-year-old werewolf who never wears a shirt). If a Twihard approaches you in the street and asks you which team you're on, you MUST choose one of these options. Just pick one! It doesn't matter! Lie about it! Don't try to be clever and say something like, "I'm Team Bella, because I like to support other women," because that will get you sent to Twilight detention, where everyone is forced to write a 10,000 word essay on why "Renesmee" isn't a stupid name.


Forget Everything You Know About Vampires: Whatever, lit major who spent six years writing a thesis on the symbolism of blood as it relates to menstruation in Bram Stoker's Dracula! You are totally uncool if you think that kind of academic adherence to mythology and literature is going to impress the Twihards of the world. Dracula is old and boring. Real vampires sparkle in the sun, drink animal blood, and drive cars with impeccable safety standards. Try to bring up the historical background of vampires and you'll be greeted with something along the lines of "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist? I don't know, why don't you ask my grandma, who actually cares? TEAM EDWARD FOREVER."


Keep Supplies Handy: Remember that body glitter you wore to the club in 1998? Well guess what? It just might save your life. Be sure to keep a bottle in your car at all times, so that when the Twilight army approaches, you can slather glitter up and down your arms and yell "I believe!" until they leave you alone. You really have to sell this, though. Nobody likes a sparkly vampire poseur. Go back to reading Harry Potter, so-far-behind-the-times girl!


Get A Terrible Temporary Tattoo: If you find yourself surrounded by an obsessive crowd of Twihards, simply take a Sharpie marker and draw an incredibly heinous tattoo on your arm. It doesn't matter how bad it is, as long as it says something about lions or lambs or love in a slightly gothy font. You can even be lazy and write "Twilight RULES" on your hands; it's not the style, but the totally fake sentiment that counts.


Attempt To Insult Twilight, And Then Run: If you really can't contain your disgust for the Twilight series, you're going to have to learn how to run, very fast. Don't even think of yelling "Twilight sucks!" at a local mall or bookstore or screening of New Moon, or death stares and several Burger King approved Team Whoever cups might be flung in your general direction. If you have to hate Twilight, go right ahead, but remember: we're in their world now. Even Batman can't save us anymore.

Twilight Dawns Bright At The Box Office [NYTimes]

It is clear to me now that Taylor Lautner is living in an extended episode of Saved by the Bell, and that every remotely sexual thing he says, intentional or no, will be greeted with a wave of "woooooooooooo!" from the ladies in the audience. He has become the A.C. Slater of Twilight: He takes off his shirt, shows his muscles, smiles a bit, and the ladies go wild. So far, he hasn't worn pleated jeans or a pink tank top, but it's only a matter of time. Pattinson, meanwhile, almost seems relieved by the attention on Lautner, and who can blame him, really. I suppose it's nice to sit back and hear the girls screaming at someone else for a change.

• Last night, one of the four buses in Miley Cyrus' tour caravan swerved off the road in Virginia and crashed. The driver was killed, and one other person was injured.

• It's unclear if the driver died in the crash, or if he died at the wheel, causing the accident. Miley's personal bus was not involved in the accident and the concert they were heading to in North Carolina is still on. [TMZ, TMZ]
• This statement was posted on Miley Cyrus' website: "We are deeply saddened by the loss of Bill 'Uncle Bill' Douglas... Members of our tour are like members of our family. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family in the midst of this tragedy. He will truly be missed." [People]
• A judge threw out a case filed by an Asian woman named Lucie Kim on behalf of Asian-Americans in L.A. against Miley Cyrus for making squinty eyes in a photo. [TMZ]
• Michael Lohan claims he has a contract that could be the "smoking gun" in TLC's case against Jon Gosselin. Lohan says it's a contract between himself, Gosselin, Mike Heller (the son of Jon's lawyer) and Hailey Glassman, which led to Jon being paid for outside appearances that violated his TLC deal, even though it's unsigned. [Radar Online]
• The good news: The final episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 will air on Monday. Jon and Kate will take the kids on separate outings, and "individually, Jon and Kate reflect on what the past has meant and what the future might hold." The bad news: A TLC spokeswoman says, "We are focusing on the launch of Kate's new series in early spring." [Us]
• In yet another creditor's claim, against Michael Jackson's estate, a company called Video & Audio Center said it is owed $128,482 for installing the TV system at Neverland Ranch. [TMZ]
• Joel Madden says Nicole Richie is home resting after being hospitalized with pneumonia. "So I stepped off the plane after a month out of the country, and basically went straight to the hospital for the week," he wrote on his website. "But don't worry all is well and we are home with no problems." [People]
• Britney Spears' ex Adnan Ghalib has been sentenced to 45 days in jail and 36 months probation after pleading guilty to leaving the scene of an accident. [TMZ]
• Flight attendant Lisa Wilson is suing Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony because she claims their "personal protection dog" "growled and lunged at her," and "headbutted her leg and she fell and seriously injured her back." Wilson claims the dog was "obviously dangerous" and should have been sent to counseling. [Us]
• Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz's son Bronx Mowgli turned one today. Ashlee Tweeted yesterday: "BX's 1st bday tomorrow!" she wrote. "My angel is going to be a year!! The greatest year of my life." Pete Tweeted: "Happy birthday bx. you dont have twitter and cant read this. Thanks to all my friends that recorded lullabies. cant believe its been a year." [Us]
• Lily Allen, who urged the British government to crack down on illegal file sharing, said in a radio interview, "If someone comes up with a burnt copy of my CD and offers it to you for £4 I haven't a problem with that as long as the person buying it places some kind of value on my music." [Daily Express]
• Carrie Prejean's brother Billy Arnone talked to Radar Online about her sex tapes and said, "If they were put in front of me I'd probably watch it." [Radar Online]
• In other sketchy family member news, Paris Hilton's mom revealed that her daughter wanted to get breast implants. Kathy Hilton said, "At one point [Paris] was like 'I wanna do this and that, I'm so flat!' but then all of a sudden she was like 'I love it. I don't care. I love it.' I'm proud of that; I think that's really nice." [Daily Express]
• Wesley Snipes' is appealing an "unreasonable" three-year prison sentence. He was convicted last year of failing to file his income tax returns for three years, but his lawyers argued today that he should have been granted a hearing to decide whether the trial should have been in New York instead of Florida. During the trial, Snipes explained that he's an idealistic artist "unschooled in the science of law and finance." [AP]
• The IRS issued a tax lien against Joe Francis for about $34,000,000 and now he's asking a judge to order the agency to unfreeze his money because he's on the brink of bankruptcy. [TMZ]
• Roman Polanski's lawyer says his client won't agree voluntarily to being extradited to the U.S. "We also maintain that Mr Polanski did not face a fair trial in Los Angeles," he said. "For all these reasons, among others, his position remains unchanged: he will not accept being extradited to the United States." [Reuters]
• On a radio show Rihanna said of her relationship with Chris Brown, "There are a lot of ... places that we've been to together, music, different things that come up that are reminders of your ex... When [his music] comes on the radio, I don't ... turn it off. I like his music... I've gotten over it, but there are definitely constant reminders ... songs that were our favorite songs, or hit songs." [People]
• Halle Berry, who has experienced domestic abuse herself, says of Rihanna, "Any time a woman frees herself from that kind of bondage and that kind of situation I'm proud." [Access Hollywood]
• Ha. In this video from four yeas ago Taylor Lautner says, "My dad says I can't date until I'm 28, but I'll have to negotiate that one down a little." [People]
• The Roman Catholic Church is bashing Twilight. A Vatican official said, "The theme of vampires in Twilight combines a mixture of excesses that as ever is aimed at young people and gives a heavy esoteric element. It is once again that age-old trick or ideal formula of using extremes to make an impact at the box office. This film is nothing more than a moral vacuum with a deviant message and as such should be of concern." [Contact Music]
• New Moon made $26.3 million during midnight showings at North American box offices last night, breaking the record set by Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. [Reuters]
• Susan Boyle said she was "shocked" when she lost America's Got Talent: "Sure, I mean, I am thrilled for Diversity; they deserved it. But I was working so hard, lost in the midst of all the excitement and yes, I felt the dream may be over after not picking up the winner's prize. Who would not?" [CBS News]
• Dave Navarro says he's a fan of his ex-wife Carmen Electra's girl-on-girl strip/sex tape. [TMZ]
• "You can't make music as a famous person," says John Mayer. "Famous people make really bad records – so I make music as a musician. I've read people say I was the shit, and I've read people say I am shit. I don't have to prove anything any more – all I have to do is play. Now my motivation is not so that people know my name, it's not so I can make money, it's not so I can meet girls – my motivation is to prove to people that you can buck the trend: that it's not an absolute that if you can be really successful, then you're gonna start sucking." [The Guardian]
• Yesterday, Rex Lee, who plays Lloyd on Entourage said crew members "occasionally" make fun of his ethnicity and homosexuality on set. The show's creator Doug Ellin says he's "shocked and horrified" and "will be speaking to everybody before we start filming again in March. It's not something condoned or acceptable." [TMZ]
• We can't handle any more Real Housewives drama, but if you want to know about the "infidelity, booze brawls, computer hacking," and physical threats" involved in new Orange County cast member Alexis Bellino's divorce read on: [Star]
• Derek Hough says his sister Julianne Hough broke up with Chuck Wicks because, "She's 21 years old and her career is skyrocketing right now and it's tough to sustain a relationship, especially with somebody who's so much older than her." [People]
• Ashley Jensen, who recently became a mother, said: "To be honest, I'm stumbling from day to day at the moment. Just getting to grips with feeding and not sleeping. It's all about routine, and it's very all-consuming. I had to feed him before I came out, which is why I was a little bit late, even though he wasn't really due a feed. And now I'm worried about whether my breasts are going to start lactating! You can't be away from him for too long. One thing it has given me is a real respect for womankind. Giving birth is amazing, and such a great leveller. It doesn't matter who you are – whether you're Mrs Beverly Hills with your Botox, or someone living in a caravan in Idaho. You both go through that." [The Independent]
• "I think for me the most satisfying thing is going out with my first headlining tour and having every show sell out. That was something that I never dreamed would be so quick to happen. Putting Madison Square Garden on sale and having it be sold out in 59 seconds. Like I can't believe that. I'm still completely blown away by that." — Taylor Swift [CNN]
• Eva Mendes says she was excited to work on Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, "Because Werner Herzog has been on my hit list for a while. I think he's a cinematic god and I think he's unparalleled. I think he's so prolific and he's such an iconoclast-you know, he's it. Working with him was a dream come true. I know that [Nicholas Cage] felt similarly. Obviously, I worked with Nic on Ghost Rider-a big popcorn movie-which is nothing like this. But I got to know Nic and the way he works and I really just like him as a person so I knew his personality and I thought, "Oh gosh, him and Werner Herzog together? They're going to kill it." [Maxim]
• Gayle King onOprah Winfrey ending her show: "I think that Oprah always makes the best decision for herself. I really do. And I have a feeling she will come up with some things to do. She has a very full life … We don't need to worry about her filling her time, I promise you that! Life is good for her." [People]

Most critics didn't directly insult Twilight fans, but they clearly resentd the fact that they'll flock to the film regardless of what the reviews say. The Twilight Saga: New Moon was already a box office success before the reviews below were written, with fans camping out to see midnight screenings and Movietickets.com announcing earlier this week that the film had already broke Star Wars — Episode III: Revenge of the Sith's record to become the top advance ticket seller of all-time.

The film may have suffered because Stephenie Meyer's second novel isn't the strongest of the series. In New Moon, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is celebrating her 18th birthday with her sparkly vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and his family, when she cuts her finger and the scent of her blood makes his brother nearly kill her. Edward breaks up with Bella so that (as the AP puts it) "he doesn't complicate their relationship by giving her a fatal hickey." For the next few months Bella mopes and hangs out with her werewolf friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) and his overly-developed torso (which "should be given its own credit line.") Bella starts putting her life in danger in an effort to reconnect with Edward, and eventually they both wind up in Italy. There they meet the Volturi, a group of red-eyed vampire royalty that includes Aro (Michael Sheen) and Jane (Dakota Fanning).

Chris Weitz, who previously directed About A Boy and The Golden Compass, took over for Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke, who some critics say understood her teenage characters better. Reviewers say that Weitz "paid no attention to pacing" and was more focused on ticket sales than artful direction. The leads don't fare much better. One reviewer writes: "I can't comment on the acting because I didn't catch Pattinson, Stewart and Lautner doing any." Several critics report that their melodramatic acting, as well as several slow-motion shots of Pattinson, result in "unintentional laughs that lighten the movie's relentless gloom." Twilight fans, brace yourselves.

The Los Angeles Times

Constrained by the plot of the novel, the film keeps the two lovers apart for quite a spell, robbing the project of the crazy-in-love energy that made Twilight, the first entry in the series, such a guilty pleasure. New Moon... marks the franchise's entrance into the self-protective, don't rock the boat phase of its existence, which is inevitable but a bit of a shame... A smooth professional whose credits include such adaptations as The Golden Compass and About a Boy, [Chris] Weitz makes the vampire trains of Melissa Rosenberg's capable script run on time, but he almost seems too rational a director for this kind of project. This lack of animating madness combined with the novel's demands give much of New Moon a marking time quality.

The New York Post

New Moon is supposed to be an exciting love story plus monster action. So where's the excitement? Where's the action? Bella (Kristen Stewart) and vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) stare longingly past each other (Pattinson, who keeps entering in hilarious slo-mo, is so intent on smoldering at the camera that he seems to forget there's another person around) and swap excruciating love-chat: "You can't (long pause) protect me (longer pause) from everything." Bad dialogue, like bad news, doesn't get better with age. This movie moves like the line at the post office.

USA Today

Pattinson is not given as much to do in this installment since he removes himself from Bella for her own protection. Bella spends an inordinate amount of time pining away. Unless it's a Ingmar Bergman film, watching an expressionless person stare out a window or trudge around alone in the woods is simply a drag.

The lovelorn Bella has little to recommend her as a heroine. She's sullen, self-absorbed and stubborn. That such a bland and passive character elicits the amorous devotion of both Edward and Jacob is rather mystifying. Almost as incomprehensible is the huge appeal of this series, beyond the obvious timeworn fascination with vampires and werewolves.

Associated Press

The soap-opera melodrama of Stewart, Pattinson and Lautner's performances provides some unintentional laughs that lighten the movie's relentless gloom. Yet Stewart is on screen almost all the time, and her Bella is just a drag to be around. With her flat speech and listless presence, it's unfathomable how two different sets of monsters could fixate so completely on her. All three lovers are so joyless, it's hard to imagine why any of them would want to spend eternity together. They're here for two more movies, though. And that sounds like a real eternity.

Variety

Stewart is the heart and soul of the film, and not only because her Bella is surrounded by characters who literally have neither one nor the other. She gives both weight and depth to dialogue ("You're just warm. You're like your own sun") that would sound like typical chick-lit blather in the mouth of a less engaging actress, and she makes Bella's psychological wounds seem like the real deal.

Time Out New York

At one point, a character wearily deconstructs zombie-cinema symbolism while bemoaning the lack of hot guys. Is this sequel defending its fan base and preempting criticism about its transparent agenda? This is a soap opera, folks-and acceptable escapism for those old enough to see it yet still young enough to shriek at undead dreamboats.

The Chicago Sun-Times

The Twilight Saga: New Moon takes the tepid achievement of Twilight, guts it, and leaves it for undead. You know you're in trouble with a sequel when the word of mouth advises you to see the first movie twice instead. Obviously the characters all have. Long opening stretches of this film make utterly no sense unless you walk in knowing the first film, and hopefully both Stephanie Meyer novels, by heart. Edward and Bella spend murky moments glowering at each other and thinking, So, here we are again.

New York Daily News

While I don't want to upset anyone here, [Lautner and Stewart] share a genuine spark that's missing between Stewart and Pattinson. Still, we all know where Bella's heart really lies. A cynical adult might note that it's easy enough to see where Weitz's heart lies, too. His job is to sell as many tickets as possible, which means hitting all the right notes. He does that well enough, despite some difficulty juggling every subplot. A trip to Italy, in which Bella and Edward face a vampire council... feels particularly squeezed in. And while Stewart has deepened her portrayal of Bella, Pattinson has little to do but brood. Then again, if you've come to this movie looking for fancy filmmaking or an original voice (other than Meyer's), well, Weitz frankly doesn't care. You're not his audience. He's got a franchise to keep running, and he does that with workmanlike precision and minimal intrusion. Which, most likely, is just how fans will want it.

Rolling Stone

Catherine Hardwicke, who directed the first film, better caught the virginal yearning in Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), the high school girl torn between both monsters. Chris Weitz, the director of New Moon, pumps up the action as Jacob turns into an unconvincing digital wolf. I can't comment on the acting because I didn't catch Pattinson, Stewart and Lautner doing any. They basically primp and pose through the same humdrum motions they did before.

The New York Times

There's more - the book is another doorstopper - crammed between the weeping and dolorous gazes, including a pack of snarling, not terribly effective CGI wolves. They're amusing if not as diverting as either Dakota Fanning or Michael Sheen, who pop up in a late-act detour to Italy, where the vampires, unlike their puritanical American cousins, still like to drink. (In a rare moment of narrative wit, Bella flies Virgin.) Mr. Sheen, who's carved out a twinned specialty playing Tony Blair (in three movies) and vampires (four), preens with plausible menace. But it's Ms. Fanning, with the cruel eyes and sleekly upswept hair suggestive of an underage dominatrix, who shows real bite. Mr. Weitz doesn't know what to do with her, but when she smiles, you finally see the darker side of desire.

Salon

Bella's eyes pop when she gets a load of [Jacob's] chest, and she gets to see a lot of it, as we do. Forget that wan Victorian valentine Edward — the movie only wants to hammer on the notion that women feel conflicted between sensitive, skinny pale guys who'll protect them with their mad vampire skilz and brawny bruisers who'll protect them with muscle, either the wolf or the human kind. In the New Moon world, there's no in between. These movies, and the books they're based on, are all about veiled sexuality, with all its thrills and threats: There's no sex in these pictures, only the vague, gauzy promise of it — predicated on the way young girls often dream of being swept off their feet by a handsome, laconic hunk but don't want to think about what might come after. But the problem isn't that New Moon takes an uncomplicated view of sex; it's that it doesn't even bother to take a romantic view of romance. Weitz appears to have paid no attention to pacing here: The movie is essentially a string of brooding speeches, often delivered in the woods, with very little interesting connective tissue in between. The dialogue consists of numerous variations on two lines, the first being "I love you, but I'm a vampire, and I can't protect you," the second, "I love you, but I'm a werewolf, and I can't protect you."

Time

As Edward, Pattinson is all pale passion and tortured restraint; his eyebrows, like muskrats determined to mate, hunch together in the middle of his sunken face; the few times he smiles, it looks as if it hurts, and he still seems reluctant to move his mouth when he talks... Where Pattinson's Edward is cold, bloodless and trapped in his head, Taylor Lautner's Jacob is warm, tawny, genial and able to get Kristen Stewart's shrink-wrapped Bella to stretch out and relax a little onscreen. It's as though the sun can come back out once Edward leaves; there are genuinely funny moments in their scenes together, not to mention sexual tension. Expect an eruption in the theater during the scene in which a thrill-seeking Bella wrecks the motorcycle Jacob rebuilt for her and he strips off his T-shirt to tend her bleeding head. From that point on, his torso remains so central a character it should be given its own credit line.

The Boston Globe

In most other respects, the movie's a drag - paced like a dirge and cursed with dialogue and a goopy musical score (Alexandre Desplat, how could you?) that bring out the book's worst daytime soap tendencies. But what can you expect from an installment that keeps the central duo of human Bella and vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) apart for an extended 500-page sulk? Even my impromptu focus group (two adolescent daughters and one friend) voted New Moon the least involving of the four books.

The A.V. Club

Lautner helps break up Stewart and Pattinson's overwhelming dourness, as do New Moon's occasional attempts at humor. However, while Lautner is the only one of the three principals who can smile without looking exceedingly uncomfortable, his wooden carriage and delivery add up to all the onscreen appeal of a Ken doll, and the film still turns in more unintentional, forehead-slapping laughs than scripted ones, particularly for audiences who haven't been inoculated by the books. New Moon was clearly made with its disturbingly loyal fans in mind, and while its cheesy, melodramatic charm is unlikely to win any new converts to the series, it succeeds in giving its intended audience exactly what it wants.

Slate

Mopey, draggy, and absurdly self-important, the movie nonetheless twangs at some resonant affective chord. This viewer, at least, was catapulted back to that moment of adolescence when being mopey, draggy, and absurdly self-important felt like a passionate act of liberation. The Twilight movies are schlock, but they're elegantly appointed, luxuriously enjoyable schlock, and the world they take place in-the densely forested, perpetually overcast, vampire-and-werewolf-ridden town of Forks, Washington - feels like a real, if fantastical, place. It's as specific and evocative a location as the fictional Washington town of Twin Peaks. It's this sense of place that elevates the Twilight films above the best-selling books by Stephenie Meyer, made up of impenetrable blocks of descriptive yet curiously featureless prose.

Twilight was a pleasant surprise, a dish of cream-heavy teen romance that had at least been made with a guiding sensibility behind it. New Moon, on the other hand, merely follows a dictated formula. It's a cheap, shoddy piece of work, one that banks on moviegoers' anticipation without even bothering to craft a satisfying experience for them. Its pandering is an insult. New Moon moons its audience, and makes them pay for the so-called privilege.

Movie Talk: New Moon Already Setting Ticket Sales Record [Yahoo]

Why was I even there? I think the books are dumb, and I hated the first film. Well, first of all, I felt like it was my duty, since I did it last year. Second of all, as an amateur anthropologist, dilettante and pop culture junkie, I feel required to keep up with the zeitgeist. Plus, maybe the new director (Chris Weitz) would improve the feel of the film? Last but not least, two words: Buff Werewolf.

So there I was, scooting through the rain in downtown Manhattan to a theater where the line went out of the lobby and wrapped around itself into a weird storage area where ladders were lying on the floor.

As my friend Workhorse and I settled into the line, the young lady in front of us assessed the wait and proclaimed, "I should have brought my computer, I could have done my homework."

"We're the oldest ones here," Workhorse whispered to me. It was mostly true: teens and twenty-somethings lined the walls of the waiting room. Workhorse and I are firmly entrenched in our 30s. When we did see one older guy, he had a young girl with braces with him. Daughter? Niece? Neither of us had that excuse.

"This movie is romantic," I warned Workhorse. "Are you going to cry?"
"I might cover my eyes if it's scary," he replied.
I frowned: "You didn't cover your eyes in the first one."
"I was too busy rolling them."

When we got to our seats I heard the 19-ish girl next to me say to her friend, "I can't believe you haven't read the books!"

I have read the books. Well, the first one, the second one, and half of the third one. I found them hypnotic, yet frustrating: The writing wasn't great and the story dragged; yet I was always curious to know: What happens next?

And such is New Moon. The filmmakers claimed they wanted to keep the movie close to the books, and they did: It is SO SLOW. The story drags. The drama in the first few minutes — when Bella gets a paper cut in front of a pack of vamps — is only mildly interesting; there's something off in the way she holds up her bloody finger and announces she's been cut — it's just so obvious, lacking in finesse or subtlety. Also: When you get a paper cut, don't you just automatically put you finger in your mouth? Jeez.

Anyway, next, Edward the Sparkle Vamp promptly breaks up with Bella (the girl next to me cried a little.) And then, for a long time, nothing happens. Bella mopes, has nightmares, goes through the motions. In the film, there's a montage to indicate that October, November and December pass while she is catatonic from misery, and it felt almost like her mourning process was happening in real time. IT WAS TEDIOUS. Plus, every time she interacted with the long-haired, fully clothed Buff Werewolf, all I could think was, "CUT YOUR HAIR AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF AND GET THIS MOVIE STARTED." More naked werewolves, less of the morose girl.

Through the film, Bella is narrating in a voiceover, but the conceit is that she is writing to her vampire friend Alice. Every scene without dialog begins, "Alice." and then "I am blah blah blah." If you play a drinking game when you go see this movie, drink every time she says "Alice" and you'll be wasted an hour in.

Time went by. The movie started at 12:20 and Bella didn't piece together that the werewolf is a werewolf until almost 2am. Her relationship with Jacob the Buff Werewolf is actually really sweet, and he seems like a better choice for her than brooding Edward, but that's just me. (Team Jacob?) The biggest problem is that Bella is a crappy heroine. She doesn't enunciate, she's incredibly passive, and I'm pretty sure she's codependent.

There were a few moments when the Buff Werewolf's dilemma — going through something and not being able to tell anyone — seemed like a metaphor for coming out of the closet, but that was probably just me trying to make things more interesting.

I laughed when Bella took VIRGIN airways to Italy; and the visuals of her running through the Little Red Riding Hood convention were actually really beautiful. And between Bella's friends and father, there are quite a few laughs. Unfortunately, the jokes are sideshows to a sluggish, depressing tale. The movie is bad. It's too long and too boring. Bella lacks the kind of spunky, triumphant joie de vivre I admired so much in Buffy. I know I'm not the target audience for New Moon — but as a woman who loves to get swept up in fantasy, drama, romance, vampires and werewolves, I was really and truly open minded; willing to give it a chance. Alas: For a flick with a lot of fangs, it didn't have much bite.

I did enjoy this:

And this:



But that's about it, so save your twelve bucks.

Earlier: Twilight At Midnight: Smells Like Teen Spirit

The one context in which Taylor Momsen's teen goth makes sense! Besides, you know, high school.


Jessica Szohr goes topical, too: this is vaguely Interview with the Vampire. Retro!


Hey, if there's one place you can do steampunk spinster, this is it. Not that Agyness Deyn needs an excuse.


Rachel Roy boldly disregards the Tim Burton dress code, and as a result wears one of the more interesting - and certainly cheerful - outfits here. Dig the mixed patterns.


The lovely Ashley Greene plays a clairvoyant vampire. Her dress plays angry shag carpeting.


Alexa Chung's eyes sparkle with the unholy light of the true fan.


Kristen Stewart looks chicer and more comfortable every time we see her. No mean feat at 19.


Genevieve Jones' shoes are altogether too gay for such a serious event. Does she not realize that young girls are dying with love all over the world?


Fabiola Beracasa is...camera-ready. And yes, it is a teen vampire movie! Whatever, who doesn't love costumes?


Lydia Hearst is 1920s ethereal. The "good" to Fabiola's "evil," if you will.


I can't think of a single nice thing to say about Veronica Webb's getup, so let's move on for karmic purposes.


Haha, Natalie Portman thought she could sneak in the back way, did she? Not on our watch, sister! Admit that twi-love!


Ivanka Trump has the look, and the getup, of one who's just realized, wait, this isn't a charitable fundraiser?


Amber Rose just refuses to leave home without her dunce cap!


There are many embarrassing things about this event. This is obviously one of them.

[Images via Getty]

• Amy Winehouse was supposedly in the hospital because she was sick, but now her dad says:

"It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little [pointing to his chest] leaky something or other." All together now: What kind of fuckery is this? [The Sun]

• Mariah Carey is supposed to turn on the Christmas lights at a shopping mall in London, and has asked for 20 white kittens and 100 white doves as well as confetti shaped like butterflies to shower her after she emerges from a Rolls-Royce driven on a pink carpet to a podium where she will wave a wand to turn on the lights. A source says: "We did manage to source the doves that we were going to release into the sky, but the kittens proved terribly difficult. In the end, it was made clear that due to health and safety, there was no way we could have the animals." [Telegraph]
• Brad Pitt declined an invitation to the October 31 Grand Prix Ball Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates — even though he was offered $5 million to attend. He went trick-or-treating with his kids instead. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Levi Johnston "made a big show" of sitting in first class. [Page Six]
• Kirsten Dunst is windswept on the cover of Allure, and inside she says that she and ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal do not keep in touch: "It would be nice to see him," she says. "But we're not good friends." [Us Magazine via Allure]
• In this Q&A, Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke talks about casting Robert Pattinson as Edward, the "electricity" between Rob and Kristen Stewart when they auditioned for her, the sexytimes the cast got into ("You have this hot, young cute sexy cast and you're out of town at hotels. It's going to happen") and her encouraging RPattz to work out: "He's a Brit and they hit the pubs all the time. They don't look too kindly to gyms." She also says that when he first got cast, there were pix of him out and looking like a slob, and fans of the book were upset that he was Edward Plus: "One day he came to me and said, I got this email forwarded to me about how revolting I am. I said, Rob, you cannot read these things. Don't torture yourself. And he said, I didn't. My mother forwarded that to me." [Time]
• Robert Pattinson was at a signing, where "you kind of get 10 seconds with each person and you never really say anything and I kind of got bored of saying, 'Hey, how are you doing?'" So then: "[A fan] said in her 10 seconds, 'What can I do to get your attention?' I was like um, just take your clothes off." What do you think happened? "She stood there and frantically started taking her clothes off and got dragged out of the room by security. I never felt more terrible." [People]
• Is Nicolas Cage broke because of bad judgment? Or because he lived in a house with bad juju? The manager Cage sued in October countersued last week, claiming he warned Cage not to buy castles in England and Bavaria and that Cage ignored him. The guy claims he told Cage he would need to earn $30 million a year to maintain his lifestyle. But! Cage once owned the notorious LaLaurie House in New Orleans, where a doctor and his wife tortured slaves. According to legend, "Many people have lived there since, but every inhabitant moved out within months or suffered tragedy and death." [Page Six]
• Oprah Winfrey's sit-down with Sarah Palin was the highest rated Oprah show in two years… since the entire Osmond family appeared in 2007. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "Victoria Beckham Loves Sex and Salad, Not Burgers." [Us Magazine]
• Asked if she prefers sleep or sex in an interview with Allure, Posh responded: "Sex! I'm getting into bed with David Beckham every night, so, you know, there'd be something wrong if I said 'sleep.'" [The Sun]
• Taylor Swift is suing a sports bar for using her music without permission. [TMZ]
• Janet Jackson's label is putting a lot of effort and cash into promoting her greatest hits album, because they quietly signed her to a new contract next month. [Gatecrasher]
• Leighton Meester needs a doctor who makes house calls. Don't we all? [Gatecrasher]
• Carrie Prejean has been asking Donald Trump for advice; he suggests: "she should become a major porn star, make millions of dollars, and give it to worthy causes." [Page Six]
• Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is dating author Coerte Felske, a "handsome blond," who will be in Real Housewives Of NYC. [Page Six]
• Will Ferrell is Hollywood's most overpaid star, thanks to Land Of The Lost, which cost $100 million and made "only" $65 million. Surely he is trapped in a glass box of emotion right now. [Reuters]
• Brad Whitford, guitarist in Aerosmith, thinks Steven Tyler might be on something: "I suspect there's a lot more going on than we know about. He has a well-documented history of drug abuse, and I find myself very suspicious. I haven't seen him do this or ... have any personal knowledge, but the isolation is very typical of addictive behavior, and his — what I call — irrational behavior." [Reuters]
• Shaquille O'Neal is curating his first art show, titled 'Size DOES Matter.'" [Page Six]
• 50 Cent has opted for tattoo removal. "I took 'em off," he says. I've been on a few acting projects and they been making me get up… My call time is four hours before the regular acting talent because of the tattoos. I've got a project I'm supposed to be doing with Nicolas Cage, called The Dance, it's a boxing film… when you're a fighter you're sweating and with a whole bunch of make-up on and stuff like that, it doesn't look real to me." [MSNBC]
• Jennifer Hudson will play Winnie Mandela in an upcoming film; she says: "I was compelled and moved when I read the script. Winnie Mandela is a complex and extraordinary woman, and I'm honored to be the actress asked to portray her." Of course, she will also do what she does best: Sing the flick's theme song. [Gatecrasher via Variety]
• Heather Locklear's return to Melrose Place gave the ratings a small boost, so she'd better not end up dead in the pool. [NY Post]
• Sherri Shepherd and MVP are so on. [Gatecrasher]
• Joe Francis has tax problems. Serious tax problems. The IRS wants $33,819,087.14 [TMZ]
• Wait, Faye Dunaway owes $1920 in back rent? How much is her rent? How many months is that? [TMZ]
• Hamish Hamilton, who directed the MTV Video Music Awards, will direct the 2010 Academy Awards. Kanye's gonna let him finish… [MSNBC Scoop]
• Zsa Zsa Gabor is okay, her husband insists. "My wife is not dying — it is ridiculous… he gets all the tabloids and she sees the things and she just smiles. She says, 'Tell them I'm still alive.'" [ET]
• "[I decided to do the Tonight Show because of] how shitty it is just trying to develop comedy right now. How dumb ideas are seeming to be rewarded. How a lot of the networks seem to have basically thrown in the towel on comedy and said ‘We just basically don't know what we're doing or what works,' and we just kind of have more stuff where the dad's kind of a jerk, the mom knows best, and everybody just kind of insults each other for half an hour and at the end everybody says they love each other and tune in next week for it all to start again." — Andy Richter. [NY Mag]
• "I was always aware of acting. I remember watching movies on TV when I was young, thinking, 'Oh, come on, that isn't acting.'" — John Malkovich. [Spectator]
• "I've never seen it and nor will I ever. It's a cult. I don't believe in it." — Miley Cyrus, on Twilight. [MSNBC]
• "After we were done, I was like, 'Wow, America is so poor. Just the towns you come across — all that's there are restaurants and gas stations. There are beautiful stretches of pasture, but for the most part, people live simply. The East and West Coast are so different from the rest of America." — Kirsten Dunst and a friend took an "eye-opening cross-country road trip. [Us Magazine via Allure]
• "Having a girlfriend is like playing whiffle ball. Being married is the war in Iraq." — Jerry Seinfeld. [Page Six]
• "There are females doing it, theatrical and a bit over the top. Lady Gaga, Pink, Christina Aguilera — they all put on a show in the spirit of Madonna, dressing up and creating a theme. But there hasn't been a guy do it for a while. In the '70s and '80s there were a lot of artists that did it but for some reason it kind of fizzled out." — Adam "Glambert" Lambert. [Reuters]
• "That image to me seemed really striking and kind of wild. I felt I looked almost inhuman. It was that whole David Bowie-Ziggy Stardust thing where you think he is an alien. It is a weird image and I liked that it was weird. I am weird. I'm nice. But I'm weird. Maybe eccentric is a better word. I'll pick that label." — Glambert, on his album cover. [Reuters]
• "It's funny because Spanish people have no problem with nudity at all… And English people obviously do have the most enormous problem with it. Little things, like when I saw my father getting changed for swimming, I was traumatized by it… I kind of freaked out a bit. [I would get naked for a role but] I think it would depend on what it is. And I don't think a lot of people would really want to see that. I think it would ruin the illusion!" — Robert Pattinson. [NY Daily News]
• "Luke and I are engaged and we'll get married when I want to. But he isn't even 21 yet, so he can't drink in America, so what's the point in getting married until he can?" — good point, Kelly Osbourne. [The Sun]