Hand Turkey FAQ

Q: What is a hand turkey?
A: An adorable craft made by American schoolchildren — and you!
Q: How do I make one?
A: Click the "full size" link, print the image (you might have to copy and paste into your favorite graphics program), cut it out, and glue or tape to a section of toilet paper roll. Use to decorate the dinner table this afternoon!
Q: What's special about these hand turkeys?
A: They are inspired by some of the year's biggest "turkeys" — public figures I felt should be immortalized in gobbling-bird form.
Q: Why don't the people have any arms? And why are there fingers sticking up out of their backs?
A: It's been a long time since I made a hand turkey, okay? Shut up.
Q: Why is the Alaskan flag green?
A: Seriously, shut up.

Sarah Palin

Jon Gosselin

Tucker Max

Carrie Prejean

Happy Thanksgiving!

In a way, Martin's article is optimistic — she writes about young men getting together not to slam feminists or domestic violence victims, but rather to "share strategies for getting college men involved in gender-based activism" and say "no to toxic masculinity." But what does nontoxic masculinity look like? For young, feminist men — and yes, there are some — this is a difficult question. Martin writes that "we've certainly got plenty of pictures of men who are stubbornly clinging to the old paradigm of maleness," but relatively few examples of any new paradigm (the closest, she says, is Stephen Colbert). As a result, Martin explains,

Many young men, it seems, are stuck in stage one of gender consciousness. They want to prove that they are one of the "good ones" and separate themselves from all the gendered behaviors and beliefs that they now see as oppressive. That, or they wallow in guilt. (This is not unlike the stage many white kids get stuck in upon fully realizing their role in perpetuating racism.) At worst, this point of view is paralyzing. At best, it leads to burnout.

It's tempting to say that there are so many misogynist men in the world that we don't need to worry about the feminist ones. But men can be incredibly useful allies — a young Tucker Max fan might be more inclined to listen to a couple of right-thinking buddies than the women he's been conditioned not to respect. And men themselves could benefit from the removal of calcified standards of old masculinity. Martin writes:

Guys who reject traditional masculinity, for starters, have a greater chance of finding fulfilling work that isn't just a symbol of their provider status. They might explore the joy of relationships — being nurturing with their kids, real with their friends, open with their partners. They have the opportunity to shed their socialized skin and all the anxiety that comes with trying to be a "tough guy" and make a happy life defined, not by their paycheck or their size, but by their humanity.

If men weren't constricted by the expectation that they behave like emotionless dick-bots, they'd be a lot happier — and so would women, children, families, and society. But it's true that men currently have little to put in place of this expectation. I know several young men for whom feminism manifests itself as guilt, and this doesn't really help them or the feminist cause. As Martin says, men need to acknowledge their privilege and work around it, rather than being obsessed with it. Women can help by accepting men as allies and friends, and by not censoring ourselves in front of them — men can handle discussions of feminism, relationships, vaginas, and periods, and we can help them realize this by not treating these as women-only topics. Men can help by listening, and by offering women the same openness, rather than reserving some types of conversation for dudes.

But do men need, in addition, "a positive, masculine gender identity?" It's something of a strange concept — few feminists would ever say that women needed "a positive, feminine gender identity." While plenty of women take pride in being female, "femininity" is so loaded with patriarchal expectation that, for feminists, it's kind of a dirty word. This may not be a bad thing — in fact, I'd argue that "masculine" should go the same way.

Gender is incredibly complicated, and the ways in which we construct it for ourselves are myriad, fascinating, and worthy of celebration. As the "Men At Their Most Masculine" project shows, both cis- and trans-men have built identities that they see as "masculine," and these identities are satisfying for them. But the idea of a top-down "masculinity" for men to aspire to, of "models," as Martin puts it, just seems restrictive. Yes, young men need to see thoughtful, feminist men, especially if they're not yet truly comfortable with women. But said thoughtful, feminist men don't necessarily have to offer a new masculinity — rather, they can simply teach that how men understand their gender is up to them, and that they shouldn't feel the need to fit themselves into any particular mold. This might be difficult — young people, despite their protestations of rebellion, kind of like molds — but it would move us one step closer to a world in which gender was an opportunity for self-expression, not a cage of expectations. The lack of a new paradigm for masculinity may look like emptiness, but it's also freedom.

Image via Beard Revue.

What's The Alternative To Tucker Max? [The American Prospect]

I may be kind of biased, having been on the receiving end of an almost completely unprovoked 2006 email from Tucker Max telling me to kill myself (if you haven't already gathered this from his recent press, he's one of those dudes who goes nuclear at the slightest hint of criticism), but judging from his appearance on Carson Daly last night, which was painful to watch, Tucker Max isn't going to be going on very many more z-list talk shows. In the clip above, Tucker attributes his book's success to how funny it is, how real and authentic he is, and how he's one of the only people in culture who are "un-apologetically masculine." Have you ever noticed that actual funny, authentic, real people, be they celebrities or normals, don't run around talking about how funny and authentic they are?

Carson never addresses the parts of the book and movie that have most offended people (and he certainly doesn't mention the whole "almost everything in Tucker Max's book was already an old urban legend for decades" accusation), but he does ask Tucker if he's learned any lessons. Even though Tucker has defended the movie by trying to frame it as a redemption story, he makes it clear that Tucker Max the movie character is purely two-dimensional (please to note his crazy-eyes at the end):

And this part is sad, because every time Tucker Max mentions his family, it's literally sad:

This is what he said about his parents in a recent interview with CinemaBlend:

"My parents at this point obviously know what I do. Not to be a dick, but I don't give a shit. It's not their life, it's mine. It's what I want to do. My mom, no question, is not happy with it. The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me. She's my mom, I care, but not really.

i don't really have that close of a relationship with my family. How do you make a narcissist? You have two parents who are fairly neglectful. God bless them, they're good people, and they care, but they're just not good at being parents. So it just doesn't occur to me that I should worry about what they think."

With his constant need to mention his one accomplishment, his self-diagnosed serious mental illness, and his total dismissal of the feelings of the closest people in his life, Tucker Max seems more and more like a Michael Scott/David Brent-type character, only sadly real. Yes, he gets laid - we know because he talks about it endlessly, but this guy seems more and more like someone who has a lot of pain and loneliness in his life, and nobody to share it with but his dog. He must know, deep down, that this "unrepentant asshole" character's expiration date is almost up, and to stay working he's going to have to re-invent himself. Maybe the new Tucker Max will have an epiphany, or a friend, who helps transform him into whatever he needs to be to be relevant. But probably not.

New York blogger Dan Kois writes that Max independently financed his upcoming movie I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, turning down $2 million from Searchlight because, "It's, like, what's $2 million if they own your life? I'd rather die standing than live with their boot on my neck." Principles intact, this booze-swilling, girl-dissing, "professional at humiliating and 'debasing' people" has staked his future on the film. He told Chris Lee of the LA Times:

If it fails, the investors lose everything and we got nothing but a . . . movie. But if it works, man! We have not just done an independent movie with a $7-million budget. We distributed it and marketed it ourselves. It's super risky, I know. But if it works, we own the movie outright.

Kois writes that if Max's film succeeds, "he's set himself up to become the next Tyler Perry. Like Perry, Max has built a grassroots following through constant touring, mostly under the radar of the mainstream media." Kois describes this audience as "the kids just out of college (or barely into it) who read his blog, swarm his book signings, laugh when he insults them, and have sex with him in the end zone of a Florida football stadium." Lee was fortunate enough to interview one of these "kids," a 25-year-old graphic designer from Palo Alto who says,

The guy is a hero to me. The coolest person on the planet. He gives you hope: that you don't have to play by the rules and you can have fun by doing whatever the hell you want.

Presumably those "rules" are made by all those powerful female leaders of the world who make sure that no one ever objectifies, humiliates, or takes advantage of women. It really is refreshing that someone has the courage to call a girl a "slut" for once in this repressive climate where women's sexual behavior goes un-judged and un-commented upon. And that someone's finally speaking up for all the silenced frat boys of the world.

Kois does seem to be buying this, a little bit. He writes,

[L]ike Perry, Max serves a niche audience that major studios can have trouble reaching. In Perry's case, it was middle-class blacks, a group Hollywood had mostly given up on. For the young people who make up Max's fan base, that's never been an issue; in fact, you might complain that nearly every movie made today is designed to appeal to under-25s. But they're an audience that's never been big on brand loyalty, and Max is one of the first entertainers to capture and hold their attention on the Internet - and then translate that attention into real kids spending real dollars.

So while Max's audience — the douchebags and douchebag-allies for whom mainstream film basically exists — might not be as underserved as Perry's, he's still noteworthy for his attempt to take Internet fame to the box office? Frankly, if Max is able to make money by putting misogyny on film as well on his blog, it'll be about as surprising as dudes drinking beer out of both bottles and cans.

However, Max is now claiming he's offering something deeper than sexism (which "isn't the same as misogyny, you stupid bitch"). He says he now wants to do a four-movie series cataloguing his character's — and his own — transformation "from a functional narcissist to a caring narcissist." While this maturation from dick to less-of-a-dick does sound heartwarming, the cad-turned-standup-guy-with-no-long-term-repercussions is hardly a new Hollywood archetype. The Sexist's Amanda Hess points out that all of Tucker Max's jokes can be broken down into a few simple formulas. And Perry comparisons notwithstanding, all of the Tucker Max "phenomenon" is pretty much like this: same shit, different package.

Is Tucker Max The Next Tyler Perry? [New York Magazine: Vulture Blog]
The Anatomy Of A Tucker Max Joke [The Sexist]
Tucker Max In A 'Hell' Of His Own Making [LA Times]

• Orobator was sentenced to life in prison for smuggling heroin and returned to Britain to serve her sentence of life in prison in Britain a few weeks ago. She was originally facing a firing squad but was spared after she mysteriously became pregnant while in an all-women's prison. Her child is due next month. • Almost 4,000 women in England were forced to give birth outside of maternity wards last year. The number of women who gave birth in other hospital wards, hallways, waiting rooms, or in hospital parking lots increased by about 500 since 2007 and Conservatives are blaming hospital overcrowding and overextended midwives. • The Michigan chapter of the Council on American Islamic Relations will sue Judge J. William Callahan, for forcing Raneen Albaghdady to remove her head scarf in June, saying "no hats in the courtroom." A lawyer for the council says, "This judge targeted a Muslim woman's religious attire, but he could just as easily have demanded the removal of a Sikh turban, a Jewish yarmulke or a Catholic nun's habit." Callahan's spokesman says he would have left her keep the scarf on if she had told him it had religious significance to her. • Sad irony? A 16-year-old blind and deaf dog belonging to Robin Starr, the CEO of the Richmond Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, died after he was left in a hot car for four hours. Starr's husband put the "Louie" in the car as she was getting ready because she often took him to work, but he forgot to tell Starr. By the time she realized Louie was in the car it was too late and he died of kidney failure. • NCSU's Women's Center and other campus advocacy groups were not able to stop a showing of the film based on Tucker Max's book I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell or an appearance by Max taking place tonight on the campus. The groups say the film contains sexist and racist phrases and promotes rape culture. Though they couldn't shut down the event they'll be protesting, "everything about Tucker Max and what he stands for." • Canadian researchers say visiting grandparents may prevent toddlers from forming negative stereotypes about old people. "We've been able to show really early on that kids, when they're just starting to talk, have established beliefs about older people," said one researcher. "We're seeing what we could call ageism by about age three." • Florida's appeals court will review the state's ban on adoptions by homosexuals. In 2008 a Miami-Dade County judge ruled that a law banning Martin Gill and his partner from adopting two young boys is unconstitutional, but state attorneys say the judge was legislating from the bench and the decision should be make by lawmakers. • A Sydney, Australia couple is being sued by Roseville College for $20,000 in unpaid tuition, but the parents say they shouldn't have to pay because the school failed to stop bullying which led one of their four daughters hurting herself. The parents say teachers were aware that their daughter was being harassed in 7th and 8th grade but did nothing and the girl's adviser told her to "simply ignore the bullies." After more bullying, the girl cut herself several times with a razor. • Ronald Douglas McGowan of Southern California will stand trial for the rapes of four women, including one who prosecutors say bit off part of his tongue in self-defense during an attack in her apartment. He was arrested in the emergency room where he went for treatment. His tongue couldn't' be reattached. • Researchers have found that Runaway Intervention Program, a program in which nurses help sexually exploited runaway girls reconnect to family, school, and healthcare effectively reduces trauma. "Remarkably, by six and 12 months into the program, the girls had improved so much that in most areas they were indistinguishable from girls in school who had never been abused," said a researcher. • In a revised edition of her biography, Veronica Lario says she wants a divorce from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who has been involved in several sex scandals, because "I cannot condemn myself to be his wetnurse and I cannot stop him from making himself ridiculous before the world." •

Let's start with the name itself. Is there something intrinsically assholic in those two syllables? It's an Old English name, meaning "garment maker" or "cloth cleaner." Some famous Tuckers throughout history include Preston Tucker, an automobile designer behind the "Tucker Torpedo," the production of which was suspended because of stock fraud accusations. He sounds like kind of a dick! However there's also Jonathan Tucker, who did a sex scene with Josh Lucas in the 2001 film The Deep End. We are not mad at him.

Anyway, let's commence with the four terrible Tuckers currently sullying the nation's discourse:

Tucker Max
Claim To Fame: Has built a career out of being the asshole of the century. He started a blog about being drunk and hooking up with girls in the halcyon early days of blogging, and rode his tales of jerkdom to moderate fame and mild fortune. His continued popularity — his book, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, has been on the New York Times bestseller list for years — only proves that there are a TON of assholes out there, which is completely depressing! Thanks for depressing us further, dick.
Trademark Tucker:"My mom told me when I grew up I could be anything I wanted. So I became an asshole."

Tucker Bounds
Claim To Fame: Bush media aid turned McCain spokesman, Bounds has had the unfortunate task of defending McCain's media manipulations and sometimes, outright lies. As Gawker noted, Bounds has become a "human piñata like Ari Fleischer and Scott McClellan before him." He was even told off by a Fox News anchor. Now that's an accomplishment, when you're a Republican flack.
Trademark Tucker: Of Palin's foreign policy experience, Bounds said, "She's been the commander of the Alaska National Guard that's been deployed overseas. That's foreign policy experience." Only slightly more coherent than I can see Russia from my house.

Tucker Carlson
Claim To Fame: Republican talking head Tucker Carlson used to co-host a show on CNN called Crossfire until Jon Stewart appeared on that program in 2004 and told Carlson he was a "partisan hack" who was "hurting America." Tucker was fired shortly thereafter, and he's since gone on to a tepid Dancing with the Stars performance in 2006 and a steady gig offering his partisan hackery to MSNBC.
Trademark Tucker: "Anybody with any ambition at all, or intelligence, has left Canada and is now living in New York. Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada."

Tucker Eskew
Claim To Fame: As previously noted, Eskew is the South Carolinian Republican who helped Karl Rove with those delightful smears against John McCain in 2000. You remember those, the ones where everyone accused McCain of having a black baby? Well McCain is apparently one to forgive and forget, since Eskew was the puppeteer behind Sarah Palin. According to ABC News, Eskew was brought onto the Straight Talk Express to "help Palin prepare for her Wednesday night acceptance speech at the GOP convention and for her stump speech as she hits the road, brief her on policy matters, and help her handle the media scrutiny a lifetime in Alaska does not necessarily prepare one for." Policy matters like race baiting!
Trademark Tucker: He didn't say it directly, but according to some pundits Eskew is the mastermind behind Palin's "pals around with terrorists" speech.

Are there any Tuckers fucking up your life? We'd really love a fifth to round out our list.

McCain Hires GOP Operative Who Helped Smear Him in South Carolina in 2000 [ABC News]
Palin, Alone Aboard the Bus [GQ]
Dirty Tricks, South Carolina and John McCain [The Nation]

Related: McCain Spokesman Told Off On All Networks [Gawker]
Field Guide: Tucker Max [Gawker]

Earlier: Jessicas Are All Pretty Bitches