Let's start with the name itself. Is there something intrinsically assholic in those two syllables? It's an Old English name, meaning "garment maker" or "cloth cleaner." Some famous Tuckers throughout history include Preston Tucker, an automobile designer behind the "Tucker Torpedo," the production of which was suspended because of stock fraud accusations. He sounds like kind of a dick! However there's also Jonathan Tucker, who did a sex scene with Josh Lucas in the 2001 film The Deep End. We are not mad at him.

Anyway, let's commence with the four terrible Tuckers currently sullying the nation's discourse:

Tucker Max
Claim To Fame: Has built a career out of being the asshole of the century. He started a blog about being drunk and hooking up with girls in the halcyon early days of blogging, and rode his tales of jerkdom to moderate fame and mild fortune. His continued popularity — his book, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, has been on the New York Times bestseller list for years — only proves that there are a TON of assholes out there, which is completely depressing! Thanks for depressing us further, dick.
Trademark Tucker:"My mom told me when I grew up I could be anything I wanted. So I became an asshole."

Tucker Bounds
Claim To Fame: Bush media aid turned McCain spokesman, Bounds has had the unfortunate task of defending McCain's media manipulations and sometimes, outright lies. As Gawker noted, Bounds has become a "human piñata like Ari Fleischer and Scott McClellan before him." He was even told off by a Fox News anchor. Now that's an accomplishment, when you're a Republican flack.
Trademark Tucker: Of Palin's foreign policy experience, Bounds said, "She's been the commander of the Alaska National Guard that's been deployed overseas. That's foreign policy experience." Only slightly more coherent than I can see Russia from my house.

Tucker Carlson
Claim To Fame: Republican talking head Tucker Carlson used to co-host a show on CNN called Crossfire until Jon Stewart appeared on that program in 2004 and told Carlson he was a "partisan hack" who was "hurting America." Tucker was fired shortly thereafter, and he's since gone on to a tepid Dancing with the Stars performance in 2006 and a steady gig offering his partisan hackery to MSNBC.
Trademark Tucker: "Anybody with any ambition at all, or intelligence, has left Canada and is now living in New York. Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada."

Tucker Eskew
Claim To Fame: As previously noted, Eskew is the South Carolinian Republican who helped Karl Rove with those delightful smears against John McCain in 2000. You remember those, the ones where everyone accused McCain of having a black baby? Well McCain is apparently one to forgive and forget, since Eskew was the puppeteer behind Sarah Palin. According to ABC News, Eskew was brought onto the Straight Talk Express to "help Palin prepare for her Wednesday night acceptance speech at the GOP convention and for her stump speech as she hits the road, brief her on policy matters, and help her handle the media scrutiny a lifetime in Alaska does not necessarily prepare one for." Policy matters like race baiting!
Trademark Tucker: He didn't say it directly, but according to some pundits Eskew is the mastermind behind Palin's "pals around with terrorists" speech.

Are there any Tuckers fucking up your life? We'd really love a fifth to round out our list.

McCain Hires GOP Operative Who Helped Smear Him in South Carolina in 2000 [ABC News]
Palin, Alone Aboard the Bus [GQ]
Dirty Tricks, South Carolina and John McCain [The Nation]

Related: McCain Spokesman Told Off On All Networks [Gawker]
Field Guide: Tucker Max [Gawker]

Earlier: Jessicas Are All Pretty Bitches

MEGAN: What's up with you?

JASON: I am great, and I want to avoid any sort of controversy with the loyal Jezebel readership right off the bat. Yes. I am a Virginian and I will be voting in this election. I am personally offsetting Nancy Pfotenhosenblitzenpantz's vote, for America.

MEGAN: And I plan to offset Mr. Pfuckingsucks' vote. I don't think almost any of McCain's other advisers actually vote in swing states. Ha-ha, suckers.

JASON: Ana Marie would probably know that for certain, but yes, let's assume that the rest of McCainland is registered to vote in Waziristan.

MEGAN: Well, one assumes Schmidt votes in California, Rick Davis seems like the sort of insufferable prick who lives in Potomac and Salter seems like he would actually live in DC. Shit, I take it back, Davis lives in Alexandria (I just looked it up). Can your wife offset him?

JASON: Indeed, she can. The rest of your contention is well within the realm of possibility, with the exception of Rick Davis, who is an insufferable prick, as proven by science. I think that the Draper piece from NYT Magazine gets a little bus-throwy-undery with him, doesn't it? Just my impression. Rick Davis and Charlie Black are the Dark Sith Lords of the McCain campaign.

MEGAN: My upstairs neighbor can offset Tucker Eskew, another Alexandrite. Who knew all the Republicans lived there? Fun campaign finance fact? Mr. Kurt Pfuckingsucks is indeed a McCain donor — as of last month. Wonder how long she withheld marital favors for that? Oh, and he donated under another McCain campaign finance reform loophole that allows him to take public financing and yet still accept money for things like legal and accounting expenses. You betcha.

JASON: Ha! I am sure that he caved quickly, though it is fun to imagine a Lysistrata scenario in that household. No matter what happens in the election, I'll tell you what, it's going to be excellent to take a break from seeing many of these people on teevee. And most especially: THE END OF CAMPAIGN EMAILS. Goodbye to the Obama campaign's breathless and earnest pleas. So long to Alex Conant, furiously massaging his twig of a cock over every little objection he can have with the Obama campaign. And especially: BYE BYE BUTT BOY TUCKER BOUNDS. I hope the next thing I read from him is a suspicious Craigslist ad seeking some middle aged woman to pound his ass with an egg beater while dressed up like Campbell Brown. I'll look at it, and smile. "That'll do, Tucker," I'll say, "That'll do."

MEGAN: I really think a potato masher would be more painful.

JASON: I concur. Also, more suited to the task.

MEGAN: Just so long as he doesn't make her video the thing for RedTube or something, because you know I'll be Google Image searching for a picture of him in 6 months and see that and end up in the fetal position crying.

JASON: Of course, I suppose that as a member of the media, I should whip out the Don't Count John McCain Out card that we're handed when we finish filling out our I-9 forms.

MEGAN: Right, right, blah, blah, he could still win it! I mean, even my most rabidly Republican friend thinks: a) he's lost and b) the Socialist-Marxist crap is just stupid. And this is from someone I wouldn't have been surprised to hear say it.

JASON: But, honestly? I'm pretty much planning for the moment I get to finally start counting McCain out. The polls may have tightened a smidge, but it doesn't appear to be moving in McCain's direction in a concerted or significant way. And, to put a finer point on it, I'll kick it to Nate Silver:

John McCain is NOT gaining ground in the states that matter the most. The top tier of states in this election are Virginia, Colorado and Pennsylvania. There is lots of lots of polling in these states, particularly in Virgnia and Pennsylvania, and it's all coming up in roughly the same range, showing Obama leads in the high single digits (in VA and CO) or the low double digits (in PA). The second tier of states is probably Ohio, Florida and Nevada. McCain seems to be getting a bit stronger in Florida; Obama seems to be getting a bit stronger in Ohio and Nevada. McCain does seem to have halted Obama's progress in some of the third-tier states, particularly Missouri and North Carolina. On the other hand, some other third-tier states, like New Mexico and particularly New Hampshire (where Obama is getting some insane numbers lately), now appear to be off the table.

MEGAN: We'll then have to pit hottie Nate Silver against Nerd God Chuck Todd's analysis, which is less rosy:

If they show up and vote, then Obama's margins will shrink dramatically because McCain — as I've argued before — will garner some 70+ percent of the undecided vote.

What does this mean for the map? It puts a lot of states into too close to call territory, including North Carolina, Florida, Indiana, Ohio, Missouri and Nevada.

The problem McCain has is that a movement of undecided voters toward him might not be enough to stop Obama in Colorado, Virginia and Pennsylvania.

Really, Chucky T? Seventy percent of undecideds will break for McCain in 5 days? Those don't seem like actual undecideds, then.

JASON: Well, look, I think Chuck Todd is not totally out of bounds to suggest that might happen, but if he's still going to concede Colorado, Virginia, and Pennsylvania, then that's the whole shooting match, right there, isn't it?

MEGAN: I just feel like, fuck, man, Obama got Fukuyama, but he'll lose 70 percent of undecided voters? Let alone all the other Republicans he's picked up. I'm pretty sure McCain win over every, last bitter and annoying P.U.M.A., but that's about it.

JASON: Well, it's all on the Obama team's GOTV effort, now. It's up to them to prevent their guy from getting pipped at the post, here. What does winning over every last PUMA even get you? Doesn't that still leave you a few dollars short for a bag of eggrolls?

MEGAN: Also, on the P.U.M.A. front, can I just say how fucking annoying it is that all these Hillary Clinton supporters, piqued about sexism can't just quietly and bitterly go vote for McCain, they have to write shoddy missives on the Daily Beast about how personal this all is for them that have either nothing to do with policy or are just bitterness couched in a completely irrational, meritless and lacking-in-facts policy argument, thus extending the media narrative about irrational and emotional women voters? Arguably, making sexism worse, not that getting McCain into the White House would make sexism better and not make it worse anyway, but still...

JASON: Well, look. PUMA has no policy argument. They have no political argument. This is like a group of like-minded, needy, sad people for whom having a Facebook group wasn't enough. Were they able to cast their vote next week for Hillary, they'd still be terribly useless to her because it's clear they don't give a tinker's damn about Hillary's point of view on the world and what America needs policy-wise. These are people who simply insist that America recognize their specialness. They won't be the reason McCain wins, they won't be the reason Obama loses. They won't be anything, but the memory of some addled fucksticks who yelled at Chris Matthews and had a website. I mean, the people who voted for Nader? They were some self-aggrandizing, self-absorbed turds right there. But they at least impacted an election. Also: they have good weed.

MEGAN: Yeah, I mean, Nader's the only one that ever seemed angry. Even if the PUMAs had weed, good or otherwise, I feel like all that anger would totally harsh the mellow.

JASON: PUMAs are like al Qaeda, if you could build them a universe on some holodeck to frolic in, shape the way they wanted, they'd happily take that and live there. They're really not all that interested in participating in the building of a nation with the rest of us. They just want their own precious FEELINGS enshrined in the national consciousness. Now, of course, if everything goes according to projection, and McCain loses, we still have to contend with another rough beast, unleashed on America this year, slouching her way toward Washington YOUBETCHA.

MEGAN: Now, that's unfair, Sarah Palin has excellent posture. It's really difficult to slouch in 4 inch heels. Believe me, I've tried. Also, if she appoints herself to Stevens' seat next year, can we comment on the hilarity that the three states with all-female Senate delegations will be California, Maine (assuming Collins pulls it out) and Alaska — and that 4 or those 6 women are Republicans?

JASON: Is that right? Who's the other Maine Senator?

MEGAN: Olympia Snowe.

JASON: Oh, of course! Well, I feel a lot safer with Collins and Snowe in the Senate than I do with Palin, fo sho.

MEGAN: Collins and Snowe are, you know, actual mavericks that don't vote with GWB all the time. Funny how that works.

JASON: Overnight, the McCain camp spit back on the contention made by ABC News, that Palin had basically done this interview with Elizabeth Vargas and had become more or less totally fixated on her future. Team McCain's beef in this is legit.

MEGAN: Yeah, I was reading that. Why the fuck would they do that?

JASON: Why would ABC do that? Who fucking knows. They probably wanted to get in on some of that sweet Palin 2012 action. Make the competitors sick for their big scoop. I don't know. There are obviously, bottom line motivations underpinning these decisions.

MEGAN: Like, helping out Fox News? Proving Mark Salter right about the media?

JASON: Well, now, let's not go sucking Mark Salter's dick just yet!

MEGAN: I can pretty well swear that I will never, ever suck Mark Salter's dick.

Here's the news: Barack Obama will be on the Daily Show tomorrow night!! According to the Comedy Central website, "We just got word that the studio is in full lock down mode. After all, Jon barely escaped his previous interview with this tax-and-spend terrorist of the center-left alive." Wheee!

Campbell Brown [The Daily Show]
Barack Obama To Appear On The Daily Show Wednesday

Earlier: Campbell Brown Turns McCain's Accusation Of Sexism On Its Head

Related: CNN, John McCain's Camp At Odds Following Confrontational Campbell Brown Interview [LAT]

David Axelrod
Role: Chief Strategist for Barack Obama
Age: 53
Marital Status: Married
Why We Love Him: Maybe it's due to Daddy issues, but you can't count the man out just because he's old enough to be yours. He is the guy who has the most to do with getting Obama elected. He's a brilliant strategist, the least annoying campaign spin-meister and anyone who is ready, willing and eager to role out a 50-state strategy to see where Obama's message will work the best isn't just going to stick to the obvious erogenous zones in the sack.




Kevin Madden
Role: Former Romney spokesman, current lobbyist and talking head
Age: 36, give or take
Marital Status:Sports a ring
Why We Love Him: There's no denying he's pretty. So, shh, baby, stop screwing it up.








Chuck Todd
Role: Political Director, NBC News
Age: Anonymous internet types say 36, and his first listed job (in 1996) would track.
Marital Status: Married
Why We Love Him: Smart without being condescending, annoyed by his nickname "Chucky T" without being a dick about it, Chuck makes us think back to Revenge of the Nerds and why it is that nerds are all really good in bed. Supposedly.






Tina Fey
Role: Comic genius, goddess
Age: 37
Marital Status: Married
Why We Love Her: From her spot-on imitation of Sarah Palin to her desire to leave the planet if she's elected, how can you not think you'd kiss this girl and like it?







Nate Silver
Role:Statistical genius, proprietor of web polling sensation FiveThirtyEight.com
Age: 30
Marital Status: No ring in the picture...
Why We Love Him: See: nerds, Chuck Todd, cute glasses, plus, he loves baseball.










Chris Matthews
Role: Host, Hardball with Chris Matthews
Age: 62
Marital Status: Married
Why We Love Him: Jessica has covered this before, but sometimes it is just sexy to watch a man get his rant on, even if you know he can be kind of a pig. Also, tell me that when he talked about that shiver that went up his leg listening to Obama you didn't think about his cock.






Jamal Simmons
Role: President of New Future Communications and CNN talking head
Age: Marital Status: Single
Why We Love Him: Hummina, hummina. I might have been the source for this Amy Argetsinger item in the Washington Post about him, actually.






Rachel Maddow
Role: Host of eponymous MSNBC and Air America shows.
Age: 35
Marital Status: Partnered
Why We Love Her: Smart, gorgeous, funny, self-deprecating: what's not to love, really? Even my hyper-Republican ex watches her show and likes it. Many, many women are gay for Rachel.






Jack McCain
Role: John McCain's son
Age: 22
Marital Status: Single
Why We Love Him: Mostly because he's hot and not very talkative. Who didn't fuck this guy in college, really? The great thing about doing it when you're older is that it totally changes the power dynamic and that's hot on all its own.






Tucker Bounds (Special Hate Fuck Edition)
Role: McCain spokesman, general dumbass
Age: 29
Marital Status: Single
Why We Love Hate Him: Tucker Bounds is probably the shittiest shill this cycle and is basically unable to credibly repeat his own talking points in a realistic way. After watching him get schooled by every female anchor — including Megyn Kelly — we decided that he likes to get spanked and is a dirty little submissive. But, really, I've always wondered what it would be like to have a dick, so now I just look at him and think of him squealing through his ball gag as I peg him. It's just too bad he'd like it more than me.

Related: Long by Obama’s Side, An Adviser Fills A Role That Exceeds His Title [NY Times]
Making His Pitches [Newsweek]
Introducing Cable News's Latest Hotties [Washington Post]

Earlier: War Is Hell, But Troops Are Hot!
My Inexplicable Love For Chris Matthews Explained By "The John Mayer Effect"
Rachel Maddow For President (Of Cable News, That Is)
John McCain's Totally Hot Great Grand- Er, Son!
What Julia Allison & John McCain Have Done To Journalism
So Many Good Ways To Attack McCain-Palin...So Little Time

MEGAN: Hey, it's finally Friday! I get to sleep in tomorrow!

JASON Hey. Me too! So remember how everyone said, "OMGZ. You have to stop attacking Sarah Palin! It only makes her stronger?"

MEGAN: Actually, I think I said, please stop attacking her because it makes us look bad. And, specifically, please stop attacking her for gendered reasons.

JASON Well, certain criticisms, especially gendered criticisms, do make us look bad. Substantive ones, however, work.

MEGAN: Also helpful: getting a Republican Senator to say that saying she has foreign policy experience is an insult to the intelligence of the American people.

JASON Yeppers! Hagel's just the latest conservative to do so, following David Brooks and Charles Krauthammer (what Teutonic supervillain hasn't dreamed of calling himself DER KRAUTHAMMER), and, of course, the off-camera Mike Murphy and Peggy Noonan. Those guys make Palin-contrarianism okay for others, though you watch - Brooks will change his mind as soon as the wind changes direction: you need to be humming "Personal Jesus" in order to have more depeche mode than Brooks. And, of course, Tina Fey has made it okay to make fun of Palin. Even Palin can do it, with the sound down!

MEGAN: Speaking of Peggy...

Hoover was not good for the Republican brand.

And the Democrats are mean for trying to turn Bush into Hoover because GWB has been soooo good for the Republican brand. Just as Tom Davis.

JASON She seems awash in contradiction:

Both the Democrats and the Republicans spent the week treating the catastrophe as a political opportunity. This was unserious. A serious approach might have addressed large questions such as: Was this crisis not, at bottom, a failure of stewardship?

Instead, from Barack Obama: It's the Republicans' fault, and John McCain means more of the same. From McCain: We're reformers and we'll clean up the mess, unlike Mr. I Can't Think of Anything to Do but Raise Taxes.

It seems to me that Obama, in this case, is...I dunno — pointing out the BAD STEWARDSHIP.

MEGAN: Uhh, but then she sorta goes here:

A fearless prediction: My beautiful election enters its dark phase.

Lots of signs of the new darkness. Mr. Obama's army is swarming, blocking lines when Obama critics show up for radio interviews. A study out Thursday said the Obama campaign has become more negative than the McCain campaign.

At least she didn't call it a "black" phase.

Oh, and here's the best rationale she can come up with of how "constrained" McCain will be if he wins (so go ahead and vote for him, you know ya wanna):

A New York liberal leaning toward Mr. McCain told me this week he has no fear that Mr. McCain may be a more militant figure than Mr. Obama. We already have two wars, "we're out of army." Even if Mr. McCain wanted a war, he said, he couldn't start one.

Ah, the old "scarce resources" argument. Sure, we could never, like, institute a draft. Start a new Cold War by being super-hawkish on Russia. We would never start a third war when we've already got troops in 2, totally not. So, Vote McCain! Since he can't start a third war his first day in office.

JASON Oy. Noonan. Let's all make the election "beautiful" again. Maybe she hasn't noticed the creepy "Drill, Baby, Drill" chants?

MEGAN: Maybe she has, and they made certain parts of her tingly?

JASON The problem we have is not that we can't start new wars. It's that we can't finish them.

MEGAN: We start new ones to distract from the fact that we haven't finished the old ones. Oh, hey, speaking of unfinished wars.

JASON HA. Yeah. See. That's how you go to war without an army. People forget about the Contras. And the, uhm...mujahadeen.

By the way, according to an email I just received (so take it with a grain of salt, because my inbox gets filled with apocrypha, spam, and letters authored by Matt Stoller), Ari Fleischer on the Today show this morning said that the financial crisis was basically the public's fault. [He did. I heard him. -Ed.] Y'all borrowed all this money!

MEGAN: Yeah, it's no longer "America, Fuck Yeah!" it's now "America, Fuck You!"
Fuck you for believing George Bush when he asked you to spend our way out of the first recession to keep the terrorists from winning.

Fuck you for buying houses you couldn't afford as everyone in and out of government told you prices would go up forever and ever.

Fuck you for taking on credit card debt to finance groceries and big screen TVs and everything else you thought you needed when what you really needed was to buy some fucking Big Boy Bootstraps and make enough money to not bother John McCain.

JASON Ahh, but you have to admire Fleischer. He's a pure shithead and he knows it. He's utter, sucking venality and he embraces it!

MEGAN: Ari Fleischer can go Fuck Himself.

JASON Ari Fleischer has already been there and back.

MEGAN: Ari Fleischer must be an extremely flexible person. Please note that I did not call him a "man."

JASON Noted!

MEGAN: Moving on from Ari Fleischer's amazing ability to toss his own salad (he does like it spicy and a little earthy), the polls show us white women are realizing that maybe, just maybe, McCain doesn't have our best interests at heart even if he does have one of us on the ticket, and are swinging back to Obama.

JASON Right. This is, I think, a by-product of the fact that Palin's appeal is waning, and more women are learning about McCain's stand on issues that matter to them. Months ago, researchers found wide variance in whether women were simply aware of McCain's opinion, and posited that once they knew, they'd shy away. What's going on with the white men, though? And, I'm asking!

MEGAN: Daddy issues?

JASON Because it seems to me, the Palin pick ought to hurt McCain there, too.

MEGAN: Do men vote for candidates they sort of want to sleep with?

JASON I mean, if Palin was a bona fide Margaret Thatcher type, you'd think that'd play better.

MEGAN: See, I don't know, I feel like the Palin-lovers are the same guys that were running around screaming "cankles" 6 months ago, you know?

JASON And texting you!

MEGAN: Oh, God, you know that asshole is voting for McCain. In fact, I do know because I got a Facebook news feed that told me so!

JASON And doing the other 19 things to ensure NO SEXING.

MEGAN: He was also numbers 1 and 11.

JASON You are totally right. Yikes. It was Tucker Bounds, wasn't it?

MEGAN: Tucker Bounds would've probably been an improvement. I believe Ana Marie and I determined he's just a dirty little sub that likes to be humiliated. I think, the dudes who are all into Palin now, it's some combination of chickenhawkishness that appeals to them about McCain, some sort of boastful "I could survive Viet Cong torture too, motherfucahhhh!" and some combination of that, to that kind of lame, text-messaging, small-dicked asshole Sarah Palin is indeed the kind of woman they'd like to think they could attract and even date. The difficulty with that is that Sarah Palin wouldn't put up with their shit, either. You see Todd yesterday? The whole time in Iowa on stage, there was this hot blonde totally checking him out and he didn't even notice. That's because Sarah doesn't fuck around and he knows it. We can at least give her credit for that.

JASON Word.

MEGAN: Okay, also, with all these "give money to Planned Parenthood in Palin's name" things floating around, I would like to now encourage an actual dirty trick that could hurt the "Palin" campaign.

JASON Because it mostly is the Palin campaign, now. Though Ana Marie said that in Wisconsin last night, people didn't walk out when McCain spoke.

MEGAN: Bob Barr, who is on the ballot in 44 states and suing to get on 5 more probably needs money. And, obviously, the biggest donors to Nader in 2000 were Republicans. Barr has the potential to spoil at least Georgia, if not places like Ohio and Florida. If you've got extra cash and you want to fuck with the Republicans in more than a symbolic way, swallow, swallow, swallow that bile and give to Bob Barr. But only if you are maxed out to Obama.

JASON Yeah, exactly. I agree. I mean, if i were an Obama supporter who'd maxed out my donations, I would totes give to Barr. All those people who are making cool YouTube ads for Obama? Take a minute and do one up for Barr, too.

MEGAN: That's how a real dirty trick works. Well, that and this way, which is a great example of how Republicans are trying to disenfranchise voters in swing states besides Michigan.

JASON Right. You get all sorts of things like this. I remember a few elections ago, up in Baltimore? People woke up on election day to postcards that said stuff like you couldn't vote if you were late with the rent and shit. If the Dems are smart, they have people going door-to-door, laying this mythology bare right now.

MEGAN: Also, if you are challenged at your polling place, fight the fuck back. Think of it as pissing on Tucker Bounds. Everyone wins!

It should be noted that Maddow says she has tried to get about a dozen Republican leaders on her show to discuss the election from their point of view. Every single one has declined, though many McCain campaign cronies, like Nancy Pfotenhauer and Tucker Bounds, have been making appearances on Chris Matthews' show, Hardball. It's unclear if they are shunning Maddow because she is new or because she is so aggressively left-leaning.

Anyway, the shine is officially off Sarah Palin, as the Nation notes, "the governor's overall favorable rating has fallen to just 40 percent in the CBS/New York Times survey — down four points from last week. Palin's unfavorable rating is up 8 points to 30 percent. But the shift is even more dramatic among women, with whom Palin's star has fallen 11 points in one week."

Poll: Obama Retakes Lead Over McCain [CBS News]
White Women Shift, Giving Obama the Lead [The Nation]

MEGAN: Oh, hello there! How were your protests yesterday? We talked about spanking without you.

JASON: The protest was modestly-sized, but passionate. If you caught the story on Cavuto last night, I spoke to the same woman from the Mahoning Valley that he did, who was very nice in that she allowed me to ask her many silly questions, like if she was jealous of the attention John McCain gave the Georgians, and whether Cindy McCain, if she bought their tent city, would count each tent as a separate residence or if collectively, the tent city would be a single domicile.

MEGAN: Yeah, I don't normally watch Cavuto because I've normally got my head deep in my computer writing the news round-up for the end of the night, but she sounds nice!

JASON: She was very nice. So, okay, speaking of forays into the lives of working class women, we have Maureen Dowd this morning.

MEGAN: Oh, God, any segue that starts off that way normally makes me want to tear out my hair. What did she spew now?

JASON: Anna sent me a link to her column. And mind you, I usually consider someone forwarding me her columns as a type of assault. But this being Anna, I knew that it was important, dangerous work that needed to be done. So I'm reading it, and honestly? Through three paragraphs — which in Dowd-ese means "three hastily constructed sentence fragments" — she does okay. But then you get this:

"The Wall Street Journal reported that McCain was thinking about taking Palin to the U.N. General Assembly next week so she can shake hands with some heads of state. You can’t contract foreign policy experience like a rhinovirus. To paraphrase the sniffly Adelaide in “Guys and Dolls,” a poy-son could develop a cold war."

Fugue For Tinears! I mean, that's the op-ed version of being clouted with a ball peen hammer.

MEGAN: Honestly, if I wasn't wearing my glasses, I would have smacked myself upon reading that. Who says that? Who thinks that?!!

JASON: Maureen Dowd is JUST THE WORST. Murder your darlings, darling! The rhinovirus line was sufficient!

MEGAN: Well, speaking of the over-privileged...

JASON: Anyway, that fucking travesty was about Carly Fiorina. I sense that your taking it in that direction? Since we're on the subject of travesties?

MEGAN: No, actually, I wanted to talk about Lynn Forester de Rothschild, who Moe and I mocked last week for her horrendous editorial about elitism, and is now endorsing John McCain. Like, bitch went to the Democratic convention on the motherfucking platform committee, but she's endorsing John McCain this week. Because, as an elitist, she know elitism when she sees is and DESPITE WRITING THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY PLATFORM she's going to vote for John McCain because Obama wasn't nice enough to her.

JASON: What a relief! I had thought that we might end up with Dischord Records releasing a ROTHCHILDS AGAINST ELITISM compilation disc or something! Let's talk elitism. Here's the lede from Portfolio's profile on Lynn:

"When 67-year-old British banking scion Sir Evelyn Rothschild first set eyes on 44-year-old Lynn Forester at the 1998 Bilderberg conference—the matchmaker was none other than Henry Kissinger—she was already a woman of major means."

I mean, wow. Kissinger and the Bilderberg conference come up RIGHT OFF THE BAT. So, you know going in that this is the woman who will cure us of our elitism.

MEGAN: I guess she really, really, really knows elitism. That's about the most amusingly gagable description of a meet-cute since I didn't read the New York Times wedding announcements last weekend. Also, the woman helped write the Democratic party's fucking platform, but because she's got a personal distaste for the candidate elected to represent and implement that platform, she's going to publicly support, campaign for and vote for the guy who represents and plans to implement the polar opposite.

JASON: What I see as the problem is that this person was allowed within a million miles of the Democratic party platform. They should be glad she turned into a self-lancing boil.

MEGAN: I mean, what I want to know is: what sections did she work on? I mean, obviously not the ones on energy, the environment, reproductive freedom, marriage equity, equal pay, women in the military, taxes, health care... so, what's left? Is there a section on wealthy baronesses?

MEGAN: Um, WHOA, our embassy in Yemen just got bombed. MSNBC says 16 people are dead so far. But no Americans so far.

JASON: Ten Yemeni civilians, though.

MEGAN: Well, since when did suicide bombers care about their own people? They have a political point to make about... something.

JASON: True. Reports say that snipers opened fire on the first responders, too. Another terrorist act brought to you by the people we will not go and fight.

MEGAN: That is, notably, the second attack we've faced in Yemen, in case anyone's forgotten.

JASON: There was a mortar attack on the Embassy earlier this year, as well.

MEGAN: Well, let's play newscasters and make our sad/serious faces now and quickly changes the subject back to something "sexy". Like Carly Fiorina.

JASON: Yes. We'll get a thorough dose of grandstanding from Senators McCain and Obama later.

MEGAN: And then we can talk about it again! So, let's talk about Carly Fiorina and her ego. Is it just me spending too many hours with Republicans, or do you recall a lot of times hearing that we needed someone to run this country more like a business? Like, say, Mitt Romney.

JASON: One of the hallmark arguments the GOP has made, IN MY LIFETIME, was that the U.S. of A. COULD BE RUN LIKE A BUSINESS!!!

MEGAN: Just not, apparently, with McCain or Palin at the helm.

JASON: Really? Should Carly Fucking Fiorina be lecturing ANYONE on how to run a business?

MEGAN: Hey, I am happy to let her spout off again McCain and Palin. Let's not stop her, please? She knows a lot, from personal experiences, about the kind of people that shouldn't be CEOs.

JASON: Yesterday, Andrea Mitchell was basically taunting her about her own golden parachute, even as John McCain is vowing to end the practice. (And don't ask me how the federal government achieves THAT.) And she said that with her it was different!

MEGAN: Well, of course hers was different.

JASON: ...that her severance package was decided for her, put to a vote. And that constituted real reform! Two things on this.

One: Yes, Carly. I am sure that there was a vocal faction of Hewlett Packard decision makers who were like: "You know what? We need to consider not giving her all these millions of dollars. Because we need to send a clear message to shareholders that we hired an incompetent woman to run this company. THAT WILL WORK."

Two: The process Fiorina describes is commonplace! That's how these golden parachutes get strapped to these morons' backs. These disgraced CEOs aren't, you know, actually PLUNDERING THEIR COMPANIES COFFERS WITH A SCIMITAR CLENCHED IN THEIR TEETH.

MEGAN: Also, it's all super-clubby up in there.

JASON: Not that John McCain could stop that, either! He had an ad up, exclaiming ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! And then three hours later, the government bails out AIG.

MEGAN: Last night, I seriously turned off the computer and TV, took a short nap and went to dinner and by the time I got there, the entire bar was watching the news of the AIG bailout — and I don't even live in NY! And it's not like golden parachutes aren't "voted" on, but they're "voted" on in the same way that North Koreans "vote" for Kim Jong Il.

JASON: Right! Minus the exciting visual of those adorable goosestepping lady soldiers! AND THEY ARE ADORABLE! I want to SQUEEZE those crazy ladies! Who says intractable fascism can't have a Cute Overload aspect to it?

MEGAN: I never did understand why dictatorships continue to allow goosestepping to remain alive.

JASON: Could you imagine having, like, a three-inch tall brigade of North Korean lady soldiers skipping all around your apartment. I would be like, OMGZ THAT IS TEH CUTENESS.

MEGAN: I think they should be at least 10 inches.

JASON: Jeezy creezy! Is the Dow already down 209 points today??

MEGAN: I love, by the way, that the NYSE was opened today by "Emeritus Senior Living." Where John McCain would retire, if he didn't have the right to die, senile and crapping his pants, in office. Sidenote: Bob Casey is on MSNBC right now and, um, man needs to wax that unibrow.

JASON: You know, credit John McCain. He has, to my knowledge, never crapped his pants. Yesterday, Carly crapped hers twice on national teevee.

MEGAN: See, I prefer to think of that sort of appearance as vomiting up the bile from her soul.

JASON: You won't be seeing her on teevee for a while, either.

MEGAN: Well, my days will no doubt be burdened by that.

JASON: More time for Empress Nancy Pfotenhauer. And Tucker Bounds! And now the Lady de Rothschild!

ANA MARIE: I AM AWAKE!

MEGAN: Hooray! I am too. Are you appropriately grumpy about it?

ANA MARIE: Could be worse. We could be talking about BLOGGING AND POLITICS.

MEGAN: Like, oh my God, Ana, when are bloggers going to get ethics like real journalists?

ANA MARIE: As soon as we gain enough power to mislead a country into a stupid war.
The best thing about this election so far, I have to say, is not so much that the press has goaded itself into becoming more watchdog-y, but that they're doing the watchdogging with such petulant snarkiness. Almost like bloggers. From the NYT's editorial board blog yesterday:

What’s Spanish for ‘Lies’?
By The Editorial Board

It's "mentiras," I think, but I'm sure that's not the point!

MEGAN: It is way more than I thought, since I was too busy laughing at the thought of the New York Times editorial board getting so upset that John McCain was misleading voters. I guess it's a fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and we'll publish a number of glowing pieces about how Saddam has nukes kind of thing.

ANA MARIE: Almost like he was exaggerating the threats posed by Iraq or something!
Fool me three times and we'll write a snarky blog post! THAT WILL SHOW HIM.

MEGAN: What if all the newspapers became actually snarky? Like, what if they decided that the only way to compete with new media was to out-blog us? Would The Onion have to become an outlet of serious journalism? Would democracy as we know it die? (You did see that article about how cynicism is killing democracy...)

ANA MARIE: WHAT IF NICK DENTON RAN THE NYT? I think we would develop a shortage of first-hand journalism. But EVERYONE would know who Julia Allison is.

MEGAN: You don't need to leave your desk to know stuff, obviously! Wait, are there people who don't know about Julia Allison yet? I thought she was part of the citizenship exam by now.

ANA MARIE: She's actually being launched into space soon. So that she's, like, one of the first things aliens learn about us. You know: Beethoven, math... Julia Allison.

MEGAN: They'll like her better than math, that's for sure. Gawker certainly does.

ANA MARIE: There's some kind of segue between Julia and this about Tucker Bounds, but I'm still coffee-less, so I'll let you make it. They really need to stop sending the twelve-year-old intern out to the morning shows. Or cable shows, I mean. I think I was thinking "morning show" because he's getting his ass kicked, in all cases, by heavily rougued faux-next-girls! GIRLS!

MEGAN: Actually, the man just needs to, like, fucking prepare before he goes. Your candidate is out lying like he's Dick Cheney or something, you gotta put your big boy panties on just like Ari Fleischer did and take it. I think the real problem is that Tucker Bounds likes getting spanked by hot women.

ANA MARIE: YOU CAN TOTALLY TELL. He totally knows the shit the campaign is trying to pull and just enjoys being called on it. "TELL ME AGAIN HOW WE LIE, CAMPBELL. MAKE IT HURT."

MEGAN: "I know I've been naughty, Megyn. Tell me I've been naughty."

ANA MARIE: Oh, breaking!

Senator McCain, on a round of seven morning shows, says on CNBC’s Squawk Box that he favors a 9/11-commission-style body to look into the Wall Street meltdown: “Everybody’s at fault here – the regulatory agencies, who were clearly asleep at the stick … That’s why I think maybe we ought to have a 9/11 commission type thing, because this crisis is very serious and … certainly a threat to our economy. … I understand the economy. I was chairman of the Commerce Committee that oversights every part of our economy. I have a far, far longer record of addressing these issue than my opponent does. And I certainly don’t think we should raise taxes in these difficult times.”

MEGAN: Is oversight a verb?

ANA MARIE: Look, he was a POW, ok? He is allowed to verb anything.

MEGAN: Wait, John McCain was tortured? I didn't know that.

ANA MARIE: Do you think somewhere lying around the WH is a memo entitled, "Wall Street Determined to Strike Inside the US"?

MEGAN: So, by the way, the 9/11 Commission report only took a year to commission and two to write, which means McCain's financial crisis commission will issue its report on the current financial crisis in 2011, which is 2 years before McCain wants to start pulling troops out of Iraq but possibly a little late to have any effect on the deepening financial crisis. But, read his lips: No New Taxes.

ANA MARIE: Speaking of which, I actually wrote someone on the McCain campaign yesterday to ask if the candidate had finished Alan Greenspan's book by now.

MEGAN: And did you get a response that wasn't vetted 15 ways from Sunday?

ANA MARIE: Er, yes.

MEGAN: I wonder if Steve Schmidt has taken away everyone's BlackBerries.

ANA MARIE: Maybe he's just installed some kind of filter. The answer I got was, basically, "Fuck off." It was a little nicer than that.

MEGAN: I think, then, that Steve Schmidt is controlling everyone's BlackBerries.

ANA MARIE: No, Steve would have actually written "Fuck off." He's from Jersey, you know, where that is a term of endearment.

MEGAN: Maybe that's the filter! He types "fuck off" and a computer somewhere translates it into something polite. I could totally use one of those, if they made it into one of those little boxes you use to talk after throat cancer surgery.

ANA MARIE: Speaking of cancer (I'm getting better at segues!): Bristol Palin's tanning bed.

MEGAN: I was just thinking, actually, that Todd looks equally suspiciously tan for the start of winter. But he works outside, if he wanted to submit to a tan line inspection to prove it's not from the bed, I'm happy to judge.

ANA MARIE: Wait, isn't he part Eskimo? Does that make your question racist?

MEGAN: He's like an eighth or something? I have been too busy noticing that he's cute and kind of silent which is how I too prefer the cute men.

ANA MARIE: And I think he's also controlling and a little insane. He's perfect for you!

MEGAN: Insane, definitely! I try to only date the mentally ill, it makes it so much easier to blame the break-ups on them. Controlling, well, that shit just annoys me in about 2 seconds. I dumped a guy once for questioning who I was talking to on the telephone.

ANA MARIE: So you probably wouldn't let him, say, write your state budget, huh?

MEGAN: I probably wouldn't let him know the balance in our joint checking account.

ANA MARIE: So here's a question: What are the gender politics of Todd being so up in his wife's business, as it were?

MEGAN: Well, metaphorically speaking, I am all for Todd being all up in his wife's business.

ANA MARIE: I am actually quite sure that they have hot Christian sex all the time.

MEGAN: But, other than that, it's a little weird on a state level. Especially because state budgets are really complex and stuff, and I don't recall Todd having a degree in public management or accounting. Or anything, really.

ANA MARIE: So when HRC got all up in Bill's (completely literal) business, that was ok... Because she was sharing expertise.

MEGAN: Well, only it wasn't, right? Because then she was a nagging, first-wifely harpy. At least that was the Republican talking point...

ANA MARIE: It was. And now the Dem talking point looks like it might be, "Todd is pulling all the strings, a bullying, first-dudely Machiavelli." From my friend Mike's admittedly amusing Salon piece, out last night:

"No one has accused Todd Palin of interfering in state business for his own personal benefit — instead, the situation has remained somewhat inscrutable, if not odd. According to local politicos and observers, he lurks around the capitol if he doesn't have anything better to do, which, since he works seasonal jobs in oil and fishing, is fairly often."

MEGAN: I love how he's "lurking." And that with 4 and now 5 kids at home, he doesn't have anything better to do.

ANA MARIE: But here's the thing: switch the genders — our standard mode of cultural critique this year, practically so mandatory that I'm thinking Chris and I will just go as each other for Halloween — and what do you think? "Sarah Palin, with 5 kids at home, has no right lurking around her husband's place of work like she has any idea what's going on."

MEGAN: I'm of two minds, as I am with everything else. On the one hand, free advice is good. Free decision-making, not so good.

ANA MARIE: I agree. It's just really awesome to see Rs having to grapple with this. I wrote a piece a couple of months ago about how, along with Woodstock and the moon landing, another major event McCain missed while in prison (yes, he was in a Vietnamese prison! true story!) was the women's movement, which is obviously where a lot of these questions were first framed on a national level. He's totally having to make up for lost time, in a way, but without any of the intellectual or historical work that went into the first round of discussions.

MEGAN: I think a lot of her politicians missed the women's movement in some pretty significant ways.

ANA MARIE: They weren't even really the "first" of course.
Well, yes. But do you get what I mean about how the R's new-found feminism is missing a lot of the context and thoughtfulness that, well, makes it a real argument rather than a talking point?

MEGAN: Well, I think the Republican party's newfound "feminism" is born of, oh, God, too early, what's the word that means you're taking advantage of the situation? Anyway, I think the Republican party hasn't found feminism.

ANA MARIE: You're right. Or, rather, they've just found the word "sexism."

MEGAN: They've found the power of the word sexism to attract a certain class of voters.

ANA MARIE: Well, weirdly, it's not! I mean, HRC supporters ARE NOT flocking to Palin

MEGAN: And they've discovered the sheer joy of Schadenfreude, watching all of this. No, they're not flocking if they are committed Dems, but I think plenty of Hillary supporters weren't committed Dems.

ANA MARIE: The sexism charge is mainly working as a proxy for the standard "media bias" charge. Which is as old as the hills, though not as old as John McCain.

MEGAN: I think the sexism charge is connecting hard with Republican women, bringing up old grievances with feminists and the feminist movement connected to their life choices. The idea that feminists disrespect women who stay home with the kids or are pro-life, those feelings.

ANA MARIE: So, really, they're just co-opting the words. We're not actually having a productive discussion.

MEGAN: It's politics! Productive discussions aren't allowed.

ANA MARIE: Which makes it a perfect time to segue back into Julia Allison!

MEGAN: Um, she called herself a journalist.

ANA MARIE: But, and this is important:

"I don't want people to think that I think I'm Woodward and Bernstein."

Which sort of makes me think she's actually Sarah Palin.

MEGAN: I believe journalism just died. Actually, I think she slunk into its hospital room, climbed on it's bed, slapped it around, smothered it with a pillow and then stabbed it 39 times for emphasis.

ANA MARIE: I was just thinking: I think Julia Allison had sex with journalism, THEN killed it. It's the best end journalism can hope for. It would be much worse to have sex with Woodward and Bernstein before dying.