I don't like change, but I can definately say that's not the only reason the new layout blows. I have no reason/tease to read the posts now. Graphics just cost too much bandwidth?
AAAAANNNNDDD Here it is, ladies and gentleman! Courtesy of my best friends myspace page, her rant against big breasts!
The cuter the top, the greater the chances it will not fit you. If is happens to fit in the arms and length, the logo on the front will be stretched so tight across your boobs that you looks obscene.
Strappyless? Halter? Not here. You will never be seen without a bra on. While you're at it, you can forget one piece swim suits. They don't make any that fit. You are destined to tankini's/ bikini's for eternity.
When you are cold, everyone is going to know it. They won't tell you that your high-beaming, but instead sit back and enjoy the free show. You might notice yourself however when you scratch your arm on your razor sharp nipple. Again, the protective hunch will develope in time.
People will "accidently" brush against you. They like to do this at bars, tight hallways and on public transit. They will say "excuse me" all the while raising their arms higher or lower to brush up against you again. They won't thank you for it either. Bastards.
Your mother will talk about your chest more than what is appropriate.
WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RUN UNLESS WEARING PROTECTIVE GEAR. ie: sports bras... and don't think you will get away with wearing just 1 either. Oh no, personally I do 3, minimum. usually 1 underwire and 2 sport.
The sight of speed bumps will bring tears to your eyes.
Never close a hard cover book to quickly. Much like males and the too hasty zip up. Its not pretty kids.
Babies grab your breasts. They don't know any better. It's the mortifying "Oh, someones looking for lunch!" that's the problem. Shut up, feed your kid.
People will try to name them. Don't let them, unless they come up with something that will let you keep your dignity. Fuck that "lefty and lopsy" shit.
You will never be seen in a pretty bra. You will not be using any words like, "lacey" or "sexy" whilst shopping for your under armor. No frilly soft pretty things here. Large breasted ladys have inch wide straps, underwire and beige. That's it. Partys over. We wonder the earth looking like a 1950's nurse who's into S&M and has torpedo tits that rival madonna's.
They itch. It's true. You will find yourself leaning over at a desk rubbing your chest on the edge. You get it down to a fine science so people won't know what your up to. It first starts happening when you hit puberty. Your mom says it's just because your "growing" you soon find out this is a dirty lie.
Your back hurts. All the time.
Boys won't know what to do with them. They will opt for a mix of lifting and lowering. Licking in random places, blindly hoping to hit a spot that you will like.
You sometimes will drop food/and or drinks in your cleavage. ie popcorn. People will think this is hysterical.
You may, from time to time. Lean over a table to reach for something and will end up dipping your chest into to some type of sauce. Yes you will be humiliated. No, you probably couldn't have avoided it.
People will refer to you as "Sweet Tits"
You will lose something, turn your house upside down looking for said item, and then find it when it drops out of your bra while changing into your PJ's. Yes it happened to me. No, I don't want to talk about it.
You will catch yourself leaning on a table, counter or desk. I understand that it feels good to take a load off once in a while but try to stop yourself. You will look rediculous.
Do not, try to get away with buying cheap bra's. oh, no. Your tits will look like two orange's in a pair of nylons. Be prepared to shell out at least $80.
AT LEAST.
... all in favor of keeping your own knockers, say "aye"
@ZoeStars: I once knocked over a beer with my boobs at a radio station, spilling beer onto equipment, freaking two guys out, who hurriedly sopped it up but kept telling me it was okay. I'm pretty sure if I had knocked it over with my hand they would've felt differently.
Also, I find crumbs in my bra more often than I'd care to admit.
@ZoeStars: I am not big-breasted, though I was when I was pregnant and was also in the early days of nursing before my milk supply leveled out. And I have to say, I was happy to go back to an A.
@Tara Incognita: And I should also say, what I wouldn't give though to be able to fill out a low-cut top, just every so often. For date night with the hubs.
@cassis: I concur, YAWN ...and those stairs look painful and they make me remember a scene in a movie (which I did not like) called History of Violence
@battleaxonista: Yeah, I had to go to expanded, because I felt like I was looking at the Web site equivalent of ADHD. Like "All these WORDS were just too MUCH for you, RIGHT?"
My bf loves my boobs, too, LOVES them, constantly reaching over to rub them, sings to them and about them, pretty much worships them. But if asked publicly to list the things he loves best about me, I'd like to think that he wouldn't list my boobs, or any mere body part, for that matter, saying my rack is merely icing on the proverbial Abby cake.
@AbbyNormal: I have no idea what my man would say. Probably something stupid, because he's not particularly outgoing and would likely be nervous in an interview. I hope he'd say my sparkling wit or something, but he'd probably say something weird and embarrassing. He recently wrote me a greeting card in which he expressed his love for my yelling at the television and my fluency in LOLcat (or as he calls it, "those cute misspelled animal pictures").
Aw, I kinda feel bad for her. She looked so spectacularly happy with him. Why would anyone want to divorce her? She's freaking gorgeous and all the rumours on the netz say she's super nice.
Ah well.
Pete Wentz's favorite feature of Ashlee Simpson's? "I would start with the breasts." At least the boy's honest!
FAIL! Why would anyone tell the world that that was their favourite part of their wife?
@TexasCrude: I know! What woman would ever want to be reduced to a walking pair of breasts by their significant other? You would think he would've said something like that, but Nooooo, it had to be the boobs.
Also, I really don't understand the menz obsession with the breasts. I mean, their only purpose is to produce milk for babies, everyone's mother has them AND really big ones? Not such a great thing! Shirts that fit over them and don't look too big on the rest of you are a pain to find, you lose things in them, only to find them at night when you take off your bra. (True story. My best friend has size G breasts, she hates them with a holy passion, and lost her cousins soother in them. A SOOTHER! She still doesn't understand how she couldn't feel that.) Also, when they're big, seatbelts don't stay in the right place, they tend to cut into your neck!
@TexasCrude: Well...would we really believe that though? I kinda shamefully like her music when I'm drunk, but Ashlee Simpson isn't known for her mindpower.
Oh my GAWD. Kate, reason 9,281,039 to not be obnoxiously public about how much you and your fiance LOVE each other and he changed your LIFE and how excited you are to GET MARRIED. Have 80 years of failed Hollywood marriages taught you nothing?
@thenwemadeout: OK, fair, but I feel really badly for her because I love Addison Montgomery and because I want Addison to be happy, I want the same for Kate Walsh.
@Crabby Cakes wants some Dance Biscuits.: To be fair, the telegram did slide under the door, but when she bent over to pick it up she slipped on her huge platform heels and bopped her little head. At this point her maltipoo came over with a shiny red ball and they were both distracted. Maybe we could text her.
Pete Wentz's favorite feature of Ashlee Simpson's? "I would start with the breasts." At least the boy's honest!
Note to future Mr.MaryMartha: If anyone ever asks you that stupid ass question if you reduce me to a body part, we are DONE. Pack your bags, leave, get out, don't look back, because baby, you don't know me.
@SisterMaryMartha: Well.... the question was favorite feature and not "favorite thing about" her. I defend because if my hubs were asked strictly about features, the boobs very well might be the answer.
@SisterMaryMartha: See, I feel you there. BUT. (no pun intended) I know I'm smart. I know my boyfriend knows I'm smart. But, (particularly since I've rounded out a bit) I do love to hear how much he loves my bountiful bosom.
@AtomicMonkeyMouse: @BrutallyHonestBabes: THE ANSWER IS I LOVE EVERYTHNG ABOUT HER. I find that kind of creepy overly personal specific response that gets PUBLICISED everywhere to be gross. He could have declined to answer.
@SisterMaryMartha: @BrutallyHonestBabes: Yeah, the question was about body parts, so I don't think La Wentz is being reductive or sexist. Just honest. I'm just glad he didn't go with the cliche answer (her eyes).
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12/11/08
So you never saw the fantastic picture of a grim-faced Michael Rapaport standing amongst the wall to wall filth NL's filled her place with?
12/11/08
The cuter the top, the greater the chances it will not fit you. If is happens to fit in the arms and length, the logo on the front will be stretched so tight across your boobs that you looks obscene.
Strappyless? Halter? Not here. You will never be seen without a bra on. While you're at it, you can forget one piece swim suits. They don't make any that fit. You are destined to tankini's/ bikini's for eternity.
When you are cold, everyone is going to know it. They won't tell you that your high-beaming, but instead sit back and enjoy the free show. You might notice yourself however when you scratch your arm on your razor sharp nipple. Again, the protective hunch will develope in time.
People will "accidently" brush against you. They like to do this at bars, tight hallways and on public transit. They will say "excuse me" all the while raising their arms higher or lower to brush up against you again. They won't thank you for it either. Bastards.
Your mother will talk about your chest more than what is appropriate.
WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RUN UNLESS WEARING PROTECTIVE GEAR. ie: sports bras... and don't think you will get away with wearing just 1 either. Oh no, personally I do 3, minimum. usually 1 underwire and 2 sport.
The sight of speed bumps will bring tears to your eyes.
Never close a hard cover book to quickly. Much like males and the too hasty zip up. Its not pretty kids.
Babies grab your breasts. They don't know any better. It's the mortifying "Oh, someones looking for lunch!" that's the problem. Shut up, feed your kid.
People will try to name them. Don't let them, unless they come up with something that will let you keep your dignity. Fuck that "lefty and lopsy" shit.
You will never be seen in a pretty bra. You will not be using any words like, "lacey" or "sexy" whilst shopping for your under armor. No frilly soft pretty things here. Large breasted ladys have inch wide straps, underwire and beige. That's it. Partys over. We wonder the earth looking like a 1950's nurse who's into S&M and has torpedo tits that rival madonna's.
They itch. It's true. You will find yourself leaning over at a desk rubbing your chest on the edge. You get it down to a fine science so people won't know what your up to. It first starts happening when you hit puberty. Your mom says it's just because your "growing" you soon find out this is a dirty lie.
Your back hurts. All the time.
Boys won't know what to do with them. They will opt for a mix of lifting and lowering. Licking in random places, blindly hoping to hit a spot that you will like.
You sometimes will drop food/and or drinks in your cleavage. ie popcorn. People will think this is hysterical.
You may, from time to time. Lean over a table to reach for something and will end up dipping your chest into to some type of sauce. Yes you will be humiliated. No, you probably couldn't have avoided it.
People will refer to you as "Sweet Tits"
You will lose something, turn your house upside down looking for said item, and then find it when it drops out of your bra while changing into your PJ's. Yes it happened to me. No, I don't want to talk about it.
You will catch yourself leaning on a table, counter or desk. I understand that it feels good to take a load off once in a while but try to stop yourself. You will look rediculous.
Do not, try to get away with buying cheap bra's. oh, no. Your tits will look like two orange's in a pair of nylons. Be prepared to shell out at least $80.
AT LEAST.
... all in favor of keeping your own knockers, say "aye"
Hello? HELLO? Yeah, that's what I thought.
12/11/08
Also, I find crumbs in my bra more often than I'd care to admit.
12/11/08
This should totally be considered for bestie.
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12/11/08
stairs
ouch and ouch
12/11/08
Gawker Media's head just exploded.
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Yeah, I'm delusional, right?
12/11/08
12/12/08
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12/11/08
Ah well.
Pete Wentz's favorite feature of Ashlee Simpson's? "I would start with the breasts." At least the boy's honest!
FAIL! Why would anyone tell the world that that was their favourite part of their wife?
12/11/08
12/11/08
Also, I really don't understand the menz obsession with the breasts. I mean, their only purpose is to produce milk for babies, everyone's mother has them AND really big ones? Not such a great thing! Shirts that fit over them and don't look too big on the rest of you are a pain to find, you lose things in them, only to find them at night when you take off your bra. (True story. My best friend has size G breasts, she hates them with a holy passion, and lost her cousins soother in them. A SOOTHER! She still doesn't understand how she couldn't feel that.) Also, when they're big, seatbelts don't stay in the right place, they tend to cut into your neck!
12/11/08
12/11/08
Good God, I'm a snob...
12/11/08
12/11/08
Also, sometimes if you stare at him hard enough, he can look like a dude Kiki Dunst. It's cray cray.
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12/11/08
Maybe we could text her.
12/11/08
Note to future Mr.MaryMartha:
If anyone ever asks you that stupid ass question if you reduce me to a body part, we are DONE. Pack your bags, leave, get out, don't look back, because baby, you don't know me.
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I find that kind of creepy overly personal specific response that gets PUBLICISED everywhere to be gross.
He could have declined to answer.
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tell us, wise one, is not an asshat an asshat, dude or no?
12/12/08