• Madonna has flown a nanny and a nurse to Malawi to look after Mercy while adoption papers and visas are being arranged. The deal's not done and the kid already has an entourage! [The Sun]

• Newsworthy: Megan Fox wore a red dress with a slit up to there and no bra and says, "I'm currently what you would call single I guess." [The Sun]
• Rihanna and Chris Brown were both at Game 4 of the NBA finals in Orlando on Thursday, and Chris went over where Rihanna and her posse were sitting and shook hands with all of her friends. But Rihanna was at the game to see Magic forward Rashard Lewis, "whom she's currently crushing on." [Gatecrasher]
• Usher is singing "You make me wanna… file for divorce" to wife Tameka Foster. [NY Daily News]
• "Fragile Susan Boyle dramatically dropped out of the Britain's Got Talent tour yesterday." [The Sun]
• Officials say Susan Boyle's cancellation was just a "one-off rest day." [NY Post]
• SHOCKER: Jon and Kate did not spend their 10th wedding anniversary together. [NY Daily News]
• As previously mentioned, Bruce Willis' daughter Tallulah is an intern at Bazaar, but the Post points out that since she's 15 and unpaid, it's in violation of federal labor laws. Bazaar clarifies: "Tallulah is a guest of Harper's Bazaar, shadowing our editors for a couple of weeks." [Page Six]
• Behold: Bruce Willis and new wife in some kind of "fetishistic shoot." She seems to be wearing those ankle-wrenching Nina Ricci shoes; he seems to be wearing very little. Won't someone think of the 15-year-old intern??? [NY Post]
• "BRAD PITT GOES ON ART BUYING BINGE." Well, he bought one painting. [Page Six]
• Brad Pitt's brother Doug has announced that the The Brad Pitt family is donating $1 million to establish an endowment fund to pay cancer specialists at St. John's hospital in Springfield , MO — the the center will be renamed St. John's Jane Pitt Pediatric Cancer Center in honor of their mother. [News-Leader]
• Lady GaGa dyes her dark hair blonde because she was once mistaken for Amy Winehouse: "Amy is a badass but I want to be known for my own look." Oh, you are, dear. You are. [The Sun]
• Dolly Parton in a Girl Scouts uniform! [Star Tribune]
• Prince Harry is pining for ex Chelsy Davy and told a friend, "I lost the best thing that ever happened to me." New love interest Caroline Flack doesn't have enough Ys in her name, so she's out of the picture. [The Sun]
• Re: Chaz Bono's sex change: The only regret? He wishes he had done it sooner. [TMZ]
• Three words: Octomom The Musical. [People]
• The new Miss California USA, Tami Farrell, says: "I'm trying my best to kind of calm the waters… I think that everything in life happens for a reason, and I'm just blessed to have this opportunity." These statements were made while she was attending the Playboy Jazz Festival at the Hollywood Bowl. Obviously. [CNN]
• Kelly Preston is in a PSA promoting healthy food for kids; you can watch it at the link. [People]
• Even though she's on tour with No Doubt, Gwen Stefani says: "My priorities are always going to be my husband and my family now. That's a huge, huge thing." [NY Daily News]
• SCANDAL: Justin "I'm A Mac" Long doesn't have an iPhone. [Page Six]
• Check out this silly interview with Shawn Wayans and his nephews, who are responsible for Dance Flick. Among Shawn's quips: "Obama is a superhero, man… Obama takes his kids to school and then he goes to work and saves the economy." [NY Times]
• Paul McCartney thinks you should go vegetarian at least once a week, to help the environment. Hence: Meat Free Monday. What's it gonna be tonight, folks? Mac and cheese? Falafel? Ice cream sundaes? [Telegraph]
• Sarah Silverman has a book of "autobiographical essays" coming out next April. [Page Six]
• Morgan Freeman is being sued for negligence regarding that horrible car crash last August; he denies the allegations. [E!]
• Though she stopped receiving treatment for anal cancer about a month ago, Farrah Fawcett's condition has not changed; she is still "stable." [Fox News]
• Does Sharon Osbourne owe $23,363.16 in California State taxes? [TMZ]
• Dennis Quaid has been cast as Bill Clinton in The Special Relationship, a film about the former president and Tony Blair — and Quaid's been "encouraged" to gain about 25 pounds. "It's Dennis's worst nightmare," says a source. "He is really health-conscious, but has been asked to follow the same diet as Clinton and gorge himself on Big Macs and Coca-Cola." The horror. [Telegraph]
• "Nine years, 18 seasons and 15 iterations of wilderness later, Survivor host Jeff Probst is a man of simple needs: A shower to call his own and a movie theater within driving distance." The ultimate Survivor? [LA Times]
• Tracey Ullman's show, State Of The Union, is available on Showtime in the US, but the BBC won't buy it. [Daily Express]
• Oh, dear: Those people suing Miley Cyrus for defaming Asians in her "slanty eye" picture got a judge who uses the word "orientals." Obviously they want him off the case. [TMZ]
• A lawsuit filed against Michael Jackson won't stop his comeback tour in London. [MSNBC]
• "The amusement-park rides, elephants and orangutans have been hauled away… Bats hang over the doorway to the building that housed Mr. Jackson's private arcade; guano stains the threshold." — from an update on the property known as Neverland, once the home of Michael Jackson. [WSJ]
• In a conversation with David Cross, he reveals that he has a publicist for the first time ever — at the urging of his girlfriend Amber Tamblyn; he has a book coming out in August,; and, he says: Alvin and the Chipmunks paid me more than all my other projects combined." He just finished the sequel. [LA Times]
• Katie "Jordan" Price on husband Peter Andre: "He's treating our split like a publicity stunt to relaunch his career." [Mirror]
• Hundreds of mourners gathered at a funeral for David Carradine in Hollywood on Saturday; music included The Beatles' "Let It Be" and Ludwig von Beethoven's "Requiem for a Fallen Hero." [AP]
• Oooh, Ghostbusters: Where Are They Now? [NY Daily News]
• John Amos, known for his roles in Roots, The West Wing and as the dad in Good Times, debuted his country single, "We Were Hippies," as part of the 2009 CMA Music Week in Nashville. [UPI]
• Did you know that David Bowie has a 38-year-old son, Duncan Jones? And did you know that he directed the new Sam Rockwell flick, Moon? [Patricia Glassop, the mother of late INXS singer Michael Hutchence says she hasn't seen her son's only daughter in years — Tiger Lily, 12, is being raised by Sir Bob Geldof, who is responsible for the ladies known as Peaches and Pixie. "Bob hasn't exactly been a role model in the parenting stakes when you look at the behavior of Peaches and Pixie. Glassop says: "Bob hasn't exactly been a role model in the parenting stakes when you look at the behavior of Peaches and Pixie." Ouch! [This Is London]
• "If you're going to be an actress you can't be coy. Breasts are sexy. I want to see them and audiences want to see them. I've had to do my fair share of it. If you're going to be an actress or a model it's usually part of the package. Men don't have to worry because their private parts don't make pleasant viewing, she thinks. "We don't want to see willies because they're ugly. We want to see breasts because they're beautiful." — Rachel Ward, whom you may have seen in The Thorn Birds. [Daily Express]
• "I stand by what I said. They did copy my song but I don't think they did it on purpose. I have even copied myself without even knowing I have done it. I'll write down what I think is a good melody and realise it's the same as something I have already done. I don't want them to think I am angry with them. I'd love to sit down and have a cup of tea with them and let them know it's okay." — Yusuf Islam, aka Cat Stevens, on Coldplay. [Daily Express]
• "If any of you have a project entitled Everlasting Love With an Adult Stable Male, I'm at table 6 and my agents are at table 12!" — Jennifer Aniston, joking about her single status at an awards dinner. [E!]
• "Christina is basically a woman with a God complex that's really going to have to, like, get real. She's going to have to learn to take care of herself as intensely as the patients." — Jada Pinkett Smith, on her character in Hawthorne, who is the only African-American woman to carry an hour-long drama (along with Jill Scott in The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency) since 1974. [NY Times]
• "It's dangerous to bring this up, I talked about him in an interview not long ago, saying that I still love him, and he was like, 'Please stop talking about it.'" — Sienna Miller on Jude Law. [Mirror via Vogue]
• "In some ways, I was waiting for that cyclical swing back. Everything has a time and a space. I feel like something's changing. Especially when Amy Winehouse came out, I'm talking to 17-year-olds that I know, and they're freaking out about her. That's when I thought, things are getting fresh." — singer Maxwell, on his return. [WWD]
• "Amanda's such a hot mess that it's a dream to play her, although now of course people assume I'm a bitch in real life, when I'm actually the least intimidating person around. I sometimes wish I could channel Amanda. I was in a store the other day and the cashier was mean to me. I felt like doing an Amanda and shouting, 'Listen, maybe you should learn to dress better!' but I just couldn't." — Becki Newton, who plays Amanda Tanen on Ugly Betty. [Daily Mail]
• "Family life revolves around Elizabeth. If we decided to go on holiday, the first questions are: can Elizabeth go? Will she be okay? Will she have fun? That's the way it's always been, and that's just fine by me." — Eva Longoria on her 42-year-old sister, who has Down Syndrome but is "highly functional" and graduated high school and is now a special education teacher. [Daily Mail]
• "I was Cornish Gamehen for a while, which was bizarre. But for the last couple years, I have been Meryl Inch — however, there is too much of a debacle going on there these days to continue that. So I have to come up with something creative." — Mandy Moore, on what name she uses when she checks into a hotel. [CNN]
• "Reality is an elusive seductress. I like watching her hips move." — Tori Amos. [Times Of London]

• Before digesting the latest round of layoffs, garment worker intimidation, stupidly expensive luxury crap, and magazine turmoil, say a hearty Good mornin' to David Beckham in his fancy new Armani underwear ad. Hello David. [People]

• Fans crowded Oxford St. in London to get a glimpse of Beckham. He was making a promotional appearance at Selfridges to unveil a billboard of the new ad. [Sky]
• Glenn O'Brien, who recently left the troubled Interview magazine, says he just couldn't take it anymore. "It's like a Greek tragedy. Like watching a company going insane, instead of a person," said the media veteran. He also admitted he's not even on speaking terms with his former editorial co-director, Fabien Baron. When Baron was fired five months ago, O'Brien took over his job. And now that O'Brien is gone, Baron is back in. Meanwhile, Brant Publications owes freelancers and photographers (including such names as Inez & Vinoodh) for work dating back to last August. [FWD]
• Unions say the economy is making conditions worse for garment workers worldwide. Workers face unfair dismissal, the threat of relocation, abuse, long hours, and even worse pay. In the countries with the largest apparel industries, like China and Bangladesh, workers do not have the right to unionize or strike for better conditions. Seventy-six trade unionists were killed around the world last year, and 49 of those were in Columbia. [WWD]
• Lauren Bush has a new "FEED" bag in aid of the UN's World Food Program. This one is hand-beaded over the course of a day and a half by women from a Kenyan school for the deaf. In exchange, $100 of the $195 purchase price goes to feed two Kenyan school children for a year. [WWD]
• In other expensive bag news, Takashi Murakami released an updated version of his 2003 Louis Vuitton ad. The little girl he animated back then is all grown up, and, get this, still loves Louis Vuitton! [Racked]
• For the 2009 Council of Fashion Designers of America Awards on Monday, host Tracey Ullman will wear: a dress by Claire McCardell, a dress by Donna Karan (whom she recently lampooned), and a dress by Doo-Ri Chung, who wrote her Parsons thesis on McCardell. And the ouroboros of fashion is complete. [WWD]
• Natalia Vodianova will be the guest designer for Lutz & Patmos' pre-Spring line. [WWD]
• Ben Sherman is discontinuing its children's line, because, said chairman J. Hicks Lanier, "In this environment, we didn't have the luxury of ‘fun and cute' without the financial reward." It's a cold, cold economic reality that separates a child from his stripy t-shirt and mini suspenders. Also gone will be the men's and women's footwear lines. [WWD]
• Remember how Sean John went online looking for regular guys to model in its fall campaign? They found two hot dudes, and bookended them around a male model anyway. [WWD]
• Some luxury companies are pulling out all the stops to reach that tiny slice of the population that can still afford their wares. Hermès, whose overall sales rose 3.2%, to $603 million, and whose leather goods division grew 21.7% in the first quarter of this year, is increasing its annual marketing budget by nearly 10%, but two thirds of that $141 million will not be spent on advertising. Instead, the brand is pushing marketing events that garner publicity and make its best customers feel special — like extra trunk shows and store opening parties. Louis Vuitton Moët Hennessy says its putting more of its marketing budget online, which explains the online-only Marion Cotillard series of film clips for Dior. [Reuters]
• The above moves aside, most experts are not expecting the high-end retail market to make its recovery any time soon. May same-store sales were typically dismal across most stores — Saks Fifth Avenue was down 26.2%, Nordstrom fell 13.1% — and luxury spending is falling faster than other retail spending. Some analysts say a full recovery may not happen until 2012. [TS]
• The C.E.O. of Liz Claiborne said the words "the new normal." [Reuters]
• Frederick's of Hollywood isn't doing so well, either. Maybe offerings like this are part of the problem? [WWD]
• Gap is also investing in online retail — it's adding 50 labels to Piperlime. Fifty Old Navy stores across the country are also due for a redesign, presumably to make them less like dingy warehouses. Old Navy has seen an increase in custom because of the recession. Its same-store sales for the first quarter of this year were only down 3%, compared with 18% a year ago. Still a ways to go, then. [TS]
• The judge overseeing the Filene's Basement bankruptcy has ordered that the auction for the company be re-opened. An affiliate of Men's Wearhouse won the nine-hour auction, bidding $67 million for Filene's trading name, inventory, 17-20 stores, and an all-important super-cheap 15-year lease for its downtown Boston flagship — but two other bidders complained that the proceedings were "a sham" because Men's Wearhouse didn't follow court-ordered auction procedures. The judge agreed, and there is to be a new auction today. [BH]

• British Marie Claire cover star Brüno gave the magazine a scintillating interview. On Naomi Campbell,: "She's amazing — twenty years in ze business und all ze pressure und fame hasn't changed her a bit — she's remained a total bitch."

• In a fashion A-Z guide of his own invention, which Marie Claire ran with a disclaimer, he says:
• "A is for Austria, ze most amazing place in Europe. Ve're all proud of our country und are raised to try and achieve ze Austrian dream - find a job, get a dungeon und raise a family in it."
• H is for "High-vaisted Jeans. In terms of human tragedy on a mass scale, vy are zese not getting the attention zat Hurricane Katrina did?"
• K is for "Kampf, mein... ze fashion bible written by Austria's black sheep Adolf Hitler. It literally translates as 'My Flamboyance'."
• L is for "Little black child... thanks to Madonna... it's zis season's vardrobe essential."
• S is for "September 11th 2001. Famous, of course, for being ze day on vich Oscar de la Renta reintroduced ze chambray peasant blouse."
• Then, he compared Anna Wintour to "a pre-op trannie." [Marie Claire UK, Daily Mail, Telegraph]

• Breaking: Versace C.E.O. Giancarlo di Risio is said to be stepping down this Friday. Di Risio has been the head of the company since 2004, but lately rumors of a rift with Donatella Versace have spread. Versace continues to struggle to make its wares attractive to consumers during this recession. [NY Times]
• Karl Lagerfeld will be one of the voices of an animated French movie called Totally Spies. He's going to play a bad guy named Fabu. Which we think is Fab! [Reuters]
• Isabel Toledo has already dressed Michelle Obama, but she still wants to take a crack at Bo. "I'd dress him in little booties!" said the designer. [NYDN]
• Funny. She's got no beef with (or, perhaps, no rebuttal for) the coke stuff, but anyone who insinuates Kate Moss might be pregnant better watch it. She'll sue the pants off you. [WWD]
• The will-I, won't-I, could-I-possibly dance comes to an end: Roberto Cavalli will sell a stake in his company. He signed a letter of intent to sell a 30% stake in Roberto Cavalli SpA to Italian private equity fund Clessidra SpA. How much the stake should be worth is something the two parties have until September 30 to determine. So, after months of teasing, this time it's totally going to happen. Except! The letter is non-binding. So our favorite gun-shy Italian could still beat a retreat at the last minute. [WSJ]
• Tracey Ullman says her hosting gig at the Council of Fashion Designers of America Awards on June 15th will largely be an opportunity to explore how further and further derivations of celebrity affect the industry. "You can imagine Oscar de la Renta being shown a picture of Lauren Conrad, and saying, ‘Oh, if only we can get her to hold our purse!' " said Ullman. Then she did a pitch-perfect imitation of Diane von Furstenberg. [NY Times]
• Fashion blogger Susie Bubble may get no love from Pam Hogg, but she still gets to preview Christopher Kane's autumn line for Topshop. "I defy people NOT to find something they like," raves Susie. The collection is apparently 40 pieces, includes shoes and bags, at a price range of approximately £40-£160. The lot hits stores across the chain this September. [Style Bubble]
• Menswear designer Michael Bastian: "The hardest thing is to take something familiar and make it better. The easiest thing is to create something no one has ever seen before. There's a reason no one's ever seen it - because someone tried it, and it didn't work in the real world." [NY Times]
• Perry Ellis is now sponsoring...an IndyCar driver. [Racked]
• Despite the high prices, Thakoon Panichgul's just-launched second line, Thakoon Addition, is apparently doing brisk business. [Style.com]
• It's in with the new and out with the old at Nina Ricci. To mark the departure of designer Olivier Theyskens, the French fashion house will be hosting a multi-season sample mega-sale, where shoes, clothing, and accessories will all move at fire sale prices. Like 40 Euros for a pair of shoes. [WWD]
• Dissatisfied Saks shareholders managed to push through a resolution that will put company directors up for election annually, and require them to win their seats on the board by a simple majority, as opposed to a plurality of votes. Previously, directors had held staggered, 3-year terms. Supporting the plan was the hedge fund P. Schoenfield Asset Management, whose cry for more accountability from the board was apparently supported by such other shareholders as Carlos Slim Helú (who came to prominence in the U.S. when he invested $250 million in the New York Times earlier this year) and Tod's founder Diego Della Valle. [NY Times]
• Meanwhile, Amy Odell over at The Cut takes a moment to remind everyone that fellow troubled luxury retailer Barneys still doesn't have a C.E.O. After more than a year. [The Cut]
• British fashion house Aquascutum just took the first step toward laying off its entire 343-person staff. [Times of London]

• Kim Kardashian is ticked Us used a picture of her alongside a story about Forever 21's just-launched plus-size line. "I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things," Kardashian protested. [PerezHilton]

• Kanye West's shoot with Amber Rose, the buzzcut model he was frequently seen with at the fall/winter collections, was not a campaign for his Louis Vuitton sneakers, after all. The Cut offers their take: "So to answer the question we all asked when we first saw these images, no, Louis Vuitton is not out of its mind. We're still not sure what the shots are for. We're guessing some kind of urban magazine like Giant." Because an urban magazine would be the only venue low-class enough to value shots of Amber Rose's ass? Oh, I forgot myself for a minute there! Obviously when someone with Iekeliene Stange's complexion goes entirely nude for six pages in Velvet, that's fashion. When a woman of color does it, that's crass and tacky. But of potential interest to urban readers. [The Cut]
• In some real Louis Vuitton news, tomorrow, for Earth Day, the company will donate 15% of all its US online sales to The Climate Project, Al Gore's non-profit. [WWD]
• Speaking of campaigns, Alexander Wang says he won't be doing one, because his lookbooks are so beautiful already. Is that canny or what? Lookbooks get picked up by blogs like this one nowadays; and what's more you can pay the creative team — model, photographer, stylist, art director, etc — relatively little to shoot a "lookbook" as compared with the cost if one were to call it a "campaign." [Style.com]
• Nicole Richie modeled for the lookbook for her line of costume jewelry, House of Harlow 1960. Of course she did: the whole point is to sell the stuff by associating it with her image. [Fabsugar]
• Tracey Ullman added Donna Karan and Miuccia Prada to her compendium of impersonations on her show this week. [WWD]
• Barbara Hulanicki, the legendary designer and illustrator of 1960s London, has descriptions but no pictures of her line for Topshop, which goes on sale on April 27. There will be shoulderpads, chiffon, grey suede, bloomers, and leopard print. Crazy like a fox? [UK Elle]
• Wait, Fashionista's got the lookbook! Definitely foxy. [Fashionista]
• Jefferson Hack, the founder of Dazed & Confused and Another Magazine — and erstwhile boyfriend of one Kate Moss — says things we wish other magazine editors would think, like, "Our readers' love of fashion shouldn't exclude an interest in the world around them." One of his favorite selections from the new Another Magazine photography book? The spread where Moss was shot at the back of the Hollywood sign. Reminisces Hack, "And then she climbed up and hung off the back of the 'O,' in this long McQueen dress. The dress is kind of metallic, but it's shredded, too, and to me, that image works as a symbol of a shredded optimism. A shredding of values. The Iraq war had just started when we ran that photo, and the Patriot Act was going through, and there was that whole ramping up of Bush's, you know, anti-democratic leadership. We were referencing those events in more direct ways in the rest of the magazine — in interviews and so on — but we also echoed it in some of the fashion imagery. And so for me, you know, that image encapsulates that moment." [Style.com]
• Meanwhile in London, Ms. Moss scooped up a beauty industry award for her fragrance, Velvet Hour. [News.uk.msn]
• American Apparel has a new argument about why it should get to talk about Woody Allen's relationship with Soon-Yi Previn in defending a lawsuit about using the film-maker's image in its advertising without authorization: because they talk about the company amongst themselves, sometimes! I think this is the moment on Law and Order where one lawyer says, "She opened the door," and the other one says, "Spousal privilege!" and then the judge calls them into the chambers. [Racked]
• Burberry's same-store sales fell slightly less than expected in the second half; it was partly because the weakening of the pound made their offerings more attractive. [WSJ]
• Coach's profit fell 29.3% in the third quarter. [Crain's]
• Fancy yourself a Sean John men's wear model? The company's doing an online search for its fall campaign. [WWD]
• And John Varvatos and Island Records are holding a battle of the bands. [WWD]

• Lindsay Lohan's "post-breakup makeover" involved getting her hair dyed red and getting a tattoo. [People]
• This column calls Lindsay a "celebutard" who is "painfully thin" and "in the middle of an emotional meltdown." [NY Post]

• Madonna is planning to build a home in Malawi. Hmm, maybe if she becomes a resident, she can adopt? [The Sun]
• Buffy is gonna be a mommy! Sarah Michelle Gellar and hubs Freddie Prinze Jr. are expecting their first child in the fall. [People]
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag will get married (again?) on April 25 in Pasadena, CA. A "source" says: "This will be the real wedding. It's being filmed as the season finale for The Hills." So that thing in Mexico was a stunt for Us Weekly? [E!]
• Farrah Fawcett has been released from the hospital "in great spirits." [People]
• This story claims: "Sales of dog food have rocketed in Europe after Hollywood stars Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson ate some on a German TV show. Budget-conscious Swiss families are tucking into tins of the stuff rather than buying more expensive dishes." [The Sun]
• Drew Barrymore on playing Edie in Grey Gardens: "People who say this is exploitative are bullshit. Anyone who is a naysayer should pull a stick out of their you know what. You know? Get a heart and get into the art and the life and celebrate with us all; don't be on the other side-it's really not fun over there." [The Daily Beast]
• During the Oscars, Amy Adams was thinking about the mall where she worked after high school: "I just was so reflective the whole evening on how I came to be sitting in that room. At one point my fiancé was like, 'You feel distant.' And I said, 'I am! I can't even talk to you!' I was there at the Oscars thinking, What if I never left the Gap?" [W Magazine]
• Here's the first graph of a Miley Cyrus profile: "Miley Cyrus prepared for April 3, an average workday, by reading the Bible—a few chapters of Job—and ended it by telling a ribald joke as she walked off camera at Access Hollywood. In between she had a casting session for her next movie, The Last Song, written specially for her by weepie king Nicholas Sparks; was interviewed four times; performed twice; changed outfits twice; and visited the Tonight Show's make-your-own-sundae bar once. When she left the NBC lot at 6:30 p.m., she still had to do her homework." [Time]
• Kevin Federline was seen chain-smoking for 20 minutes outside of a TGIFriday's while his girlfriend Victoria Prince sat inside by herself, fuming. Ah, l'amour. [E!]
• Clive Owen's daughter introduced him to her "half-boyfriend." "She tells me, 'Dad... I share him with a friend.' I still feel awful thinking about it." [Daily Express]
• Five seconds after Snoop Dogg learned how to stream live video from his home computer to his Twitter page, his first order of business was to light up a blunt and smoke it. Clearly. [TMZ]
• Why is someone spreading the rumor that Snoop Dogg has the dead body of his wife in his basement? [TMZ]
• Here is an in-depth review of Tori Spelling's new book, Mommywood, should you feel inclined. The title seems ill-conceived, no? Or like slang for the boner a MILF gives a dude? [CC2K]
• Michael Jackson is going to rent a little place while he's in the UK for his O2 concerts: It's a 28-bedroom manor on eight acres with an underground movie theater, indoor swimming pool and private lake. [Daily Mail]
• The daughter of Jennifer Saunders, from Absolutely Fabulous, says "I've never been Saffy." Well, duh. Instead she is a folk singer. [Daily Mail]
• Uh-oh: Sinbad and Dionne Warwick are on the list of California tax evaders. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Blind item! "Which sensual singer tells his girlfriends that although he's straight, he still receives oral pleasure from other men - then fumes when they suggest he's bisexual?" [Gatecrasher]
• "Due to the unfounded and ugly rumors that have appeared in the papers over the last few days, I felt they shouldn't pass without comment. Patti and I have been together for 18 years – the best 18 years of my life. We have built a beautiful family we love and want to protect and our commitment to one another remains as strong as the day we were married." —Bruce Springsteen, on the state of his marriage. Although it doesn't exactly read like a denial of an affair. [People]
• "Is Bethenny a socialite? No. Will she ever sit next to Lauren duPont? No. Is she best friends with Aerin Lauder? No. Am I? No. Do I care? No. Does she? Oh, absolutely. She's not authentic. All she does is sit there and cry all the time. I'm like, 'You're crying about guys? …shut up.'" — Kelly Killoren Bensimon, of the Real Housewives of New York City [Harper's Bazaar via Page Six
• "It sucked when I was goin' into the jail, and once I got in jail it became enjoyable again because there were some real fun cellmates. We were singin' songs." — Matthew McConaughey on being busted for possession of mary jane back in 1999. [Men's Journal via MSNBC Scoop]
• "At one point, I really started freaking out. I couldn't sleep, and [the director] was chasing me around with food, telling me that the prosthetics weren't fitting me and I was swimming in my fat suit, which was really ironic. I was miserable in my room just typing these manifestos [in my journal] but one day, I'll have them to look back on and see that I stuck with it and I'll be glad to know I had that level of discipline." — Drew Barrymore, on being immersed in her Grey Gardens character. [WSJ]
• "Marriage and babies? Please. I want to be illegal. I want to live outside the mainstream. These awful middle-class queens-which is what the gay movement has become-are so tiresome. It's all Abercrombie & Fitch and strollers. Everybody has the right to do what they want to do, but still... And I think this surrogacy thing is crap. It is utterly hideous. I think it's egocentric and vain. These endless IVF treatments people go through. I mean, if you are meant to have babies, then great. But this whole idea of two gay guys filling a cocktail shaker with their sperm and impregnating some grim lesbian and then it gets cut out is just really weird. If I did have the impulse to be a parent, I would adopt-or foster. But this whole thing of forcing the idea of parenthood and marriage on us gay men is so bogus." — Rupert Everett. [The Daily Beast]
• "Suddenly, you're the elder in the group. I have been doing this a long time, 25 years now. It's nice to feel that you're still relevant. People like Carol Burnett, Gilda Radner and Lily Tomlin were my role models. America always had really good, strong women in comedy. I love that." — Tracey Ullman, whose second season of State of the Union premieres Sunday on Showtime. [USA Today]
• "Until the banks get fixed, there is no other issue. I think this public-private partnership of [Treasury secretary Timothy] Geithner's will be effective. Evidently, the time for debating nationalization or backing the banks — which I thought would have been smart, just to say we're backing the banks, but I guess that would have made folks uncomfortable — has passed. So the private sector is in a pretty good spot here. Truth is, it's mostly, and maybe this is just a cover, us buying back our own bad paper from ourselves, but incenting [is that a word? -Ed.]the private sector to invest by giving them an incredibly good deal, if you believe, like Geithner seems to, that prices are only artificially depressed and really have much more value than what you can get for them now. But despite what you've read about me in the tabloids, I'm not an economist. But I do worry about what value all of these bad assets people keep talking about will have in the long term." — Ben Affleck, who plays a politician in State Of Play and did research by meeting with representatives like Anthony Weiner, Adam Smith, Rahm Emanuel, and Patrick Murphy. [WSJ]

[New York, May 4; image via Getty.]

The Good:
I'm always a sucker for a picture of a big sister and a little brother, like this one of Eva Amurri and Jack Robbins. Love her skirt. Also: how much do they look like their parents?


Big yes to the drop-waist on Famke Janssen's dress.


Ok, Hana Soukupova, I get it already: You're a model. You are perfect.


I'll have what Helena Christensen is having. Even if it's safari wear.


Joy Bryant is a dream in her very modern and very sophisticated pants-and-jacket pairing. Love the silhouette. Love the colors. Want the necklace. Now.


I know I should hate Leelee Sobieski's dress, but I can't help but love it.


Maggie Rizer: Keeping it real, playing to her hair.


Gwyneth's dress: See-through or not?




The Bad:
Is anyone else surprised to learn that Tracey Ullman is the Burberry trench-wearing type?


Bebe Neuwirth: When headbands and bad fashion happen to good people.


Carol Alt: When too much satin and bad necklines happen to good people.


Is Diana Ross wearing galoshes? And leggings?


And is Elettra Wiedman wearing them too??


Liv Tyler disappoints with a sad sack of a dress paired with flesh-tone shoes.


Tory Burch: Furthering my belief that no one dresses worse than fashion designers.


Terrence Howard and his son are both dressed as Indiana Jones. Also, is his daughter carrying a clutch? Or a Trapper-Keeper?




The Ugly:
I do believe Kelly Bensimon is wearing wet boots with that most unfortunate dress.

[Images via Getty.]

Earlier: Critics Pledge Allegiance To Tracey Ullman's State Of The Union

Los Angeles Times:

Still, impersonation is a dying art and few do it as well as Ullman. To parody Huffington or Beckham or Dina Lohan (mother of Lindsay) may be a bit like shooting fish in a barrel, but it's still pretty darn funny. Not the least because we don't see it all that often any more. Yes, we're meaner than we used to be, fueled with take-down websites and snarky entertainment columnists, but personal satire is a rare commodity these days. Gone are the variety shows that once showcased talents like Rich Little — pickings are so slim nowadays that "Saturday Night Live's" choice of an Obama impersonator is front-page news.

Some of her celebrity impersonations are better than others. Her take on Tony Sirico, who played Paulie Walnuts in The Sopranos, is more impressive than amusing, and her version of the CNN anchor Campbell Brown falls flat. But at her best Ms. Ullman is high in the pantheon alongside Gilda Radner, Catherine O'Hara and Ms. Burnett. State of the Union is a fitting showcase for the woman of so many faces that nobody tries to keep count.

Appearing virtually ageless, Ullman (who exec produces with her husband, Allan McKeown) doubtless spreads both the financial pain and chore of donning all that makeup by shooting multiple scenes of herself as, say, 60 Minutes' Andy Rooney or notorious mom Dina Lohan, then scattering snippets across multiple episodes. Nevertheless, each half-hour packs in a laudable assortment of such bite-sized confections, and if there's a repetitive quality to the satire (especially when it comes to mocking actors), well, that's more a quibble than a full-throated criticism.

Showtime has scored some recent coups with its original programming, but this one might be the most impressive — having the foresight to bring back a talent like Ullman, whose act seems so familiar, at a point where she couldn't be more timely or fresh.

Interestingly, though, Ullman's impersonations are rarely as funny. Each week includes a spoof of Laurie David, the globe-trotting environmentalist and soon-to-be ex-wife of Larry David. Considering her relatively low public profile, the amount of time spent lampooning her environmental extravagance is massive overkill. Same with the weekly shtick on Arianna Huffington and oft-injured soccer star David Beckham. Once is plenty.

Which isn't to say that State of the Union is merely wicked fun, mean games, and goofy looks. Ullman's America needs work. Each of her half-hours is loosely organized around a theme, such as illegal immigration (12 million undocumented workers), the urban homeless (3.5 million, 1 million living in their cars), children needing adoption, and the exorbitant cost of medical care. But "loosely" is, in Ullman's case, more than an operative word; it's practically an aesthetic. [...] As the jokes go up like tracer fire—about nuns, bankers, face-lifts, red states, and Alzheimer's—somewhere underground a reality principle rumbles toward a reckoning. How funny is it, really, that an African princess should adopt a blue-eyed American boy and fly him home to eat nutritional roots?

Be warned: Because she can do so much, initially she's doing too much. Though fun, the opener's skits are too short, and the characters too numerous, for any one joke to register.

But give the show a week to settle, and the strengths of Ullman's concept come to the fore. As the show grows clearer and funnier, you may even find yourself anticipating the return of favorite characters — like Padma Perkesh, the Bollywood pharmacist, or Chanel Monticello, a TSA agent who gives free X-rays to people who don't have health insurance.

As with any sketch show, it's all ultimately a hit-and-miss affair, but Ullman's circus-freak virtuosity as a shape shifter — and director Troy Miller's rapid-fire pacing — are enough to carry you past the rough spots. Besides, there are only five episodes in this short run, and with so many characters packed into each show — and nearly three dozen overall — one could argue it's perhaps medically sound for Ullman's channeling energies that she let us digest this bunch before Showtime (hopefully) orders more. Excess is enough of a problem in America without its newest constituent succumbing to it.

Related: Tracey Ullman's State Of The Union [Showtime]