Stats: The Cone is a British sex toy that, as its website puts it, is made of "soft, squidgy plastic." (Squidgy is such a fake British word.) There is a 3000 RPM motor within, and there are 16 different built-in programs of vibration. The two controls on the device help you manage the speed, intensity and pulsing of those programs. It requires 3 C batteries. The price, as I stated above, is $130.

Pros: You're supposed to sit on this thing, inserting the tip either into your vagina or your butt hole. I don't do the butt thing when I'm just playing around alone, so I sat on it with my vadge. That lasted for maybe a minute. I was too scared to release all my weight onto that thing, because it gets rather wide at the end (7" at the base), so I was sort of holding myself up with my thighs. I don't really work out or anything, so after holding that yoga-esque pose for 60 seconds my legs turned into jelly. So instead, I sat down, placed the cone on my bed, and wedged it between my legs, and pressed it up against my crotch, Western saddle-style. I have to say that the motor was totally on par with the kind of strength I need to be worked properly. And the pulsing was really awesome. I really was partial to program 14, that had heavy, altered pulsing, with some steady vibe thrown in every few seconds for good measure. Also, it's super-duper quiet.

Cons: One of my friends at our brother site Gizmodo told me that when the editors over there review gadgets, one of the ways they rate it is by trying to use the item without reading directions, because nothing should be that difficult to use that you would need written instructions. I feel like that line of thinking particularly applies to sex toys, because when you're ready to get off, the last thing you want to do is sit down and try to have to use your brain. The Cone fails on this front. I didn't understand how to open it, and even though there are two buttons, I couldn't figure out the off and on situation. Also, I could only come while using this thing if I was sitting upright, and personally, I like to lay down and relax when I'm playing with myself.

Verdict: Great motor, good vibes, bad design. If they could make this thing as a hand-held, or even as something a little more conducive to other positions, it would be much more on point.

Stats: The Mary Mermaid is a dildo in the shape of a mermaid (and also, disturbingly, the virgin Mary), with a fin that curves up for clit stimulation. It's part of manufacturer Fun Factory's "Twist 'n' Shake" line of toys, and has separate controls to adjust vibration of the fin and rotation of the dildo. It's 9.25" in total size, with 4.5" of "insertable" length. It takes 4 AA batteries, and costs $73.95. It's a little bit noisy when you have it going at full blast, but nothing out of the ordinary. Check out the way it moves and sounds here (don't worry, this is just a demonstration and my vagina does not make an appearance):

Pros: This thing looks and moves strangely and its freakishness alone kinda turned me on. Having separate controls for rotation and vibration (each of which can be completely shut off) is a plus. The sound of the mechanism isn't too loud or annoying.

Cons: I warmed up with some fin vibe before plunging the dildo in. I also put on some Xtube porn to help me along. I inserted the top of the dildo in after a few minutes, but it (or my vagina) was being stubborn and wouldn't really go in, even though I was plenty wet. I turned up the rotation to see if it could sort of twist its way in there. I could only get the bulbous head part in though. While the top portion was still inside me, I let go of the Mermaid and looked down to see what was going on. The bottom half was seriously flopping around like a fish out of water. I couldn't help but think of that Faith No More video. I couldn't get off.

Verdict: Meh. It's pretty much just The Rabbit, repackaged as a mythical creature.

Mary Mermaid [VibeReview]

Earlier: The NEA: Is This "Luxury" Vibrator Worth It?

Pros: The NEA is a cool looking little gadget (and I mean little— it's only about 3" in length). It almost looks like a miniature computer mouse, and it has pretty LCD lights on the two buttons that control the speed. (It doesn't require batteries, as it comes with a charger.) The purr on the vibe is super-quiet and could probably be used without roommates being any the wiser.

Cons: I could not get off with this fucking thing. At. All. The vibe is way too weak. Plus, fast and steady vibration with no variation tends to just numb my area instead of arousing it, leading me to just become frustrated.

Verdict: At $89 (almost twice the price of the incomparable Magic Wand), you'd be better off using your hands.

NEA [LELO]

Earlier: 5 Household Items That Will Help You 'Get Off' Easy
Glove Affair: Testing The Fukuoku Five Finger Vibrator
Sexual Chocolate: Testing The Clone-A-Willy Kit

(Click to enlarge)

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