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Shamrockette
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
What the girls did to their mother was absolutely terrible and I would never do such a thing to her like that.

However, it does make me feel lame for not trying to rebel against my mother and assert my independence. She's been trying to persuade me to live at home and go to school somewhere nearby, but I insisted that I transfer to a school that's 3 hours away from home. But I know she's been so overprotective of me and not letting me do things I want to do because of the terrible shit my brother pulled on her; getting arrested, crashing her car, DUIs, failing out of college, stealing a friend's car, marijuana possession, you name it. And for that, I'm incredibly resentful of her and our relationship.

I love my mom, but I can't give a shit about her because of the abuse and her inflexibility with giving me independence.
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robotsattack
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
Uh- am I the only one who is a little disturbed by the nonchalant way the author describes her daughter disappearing for a year and then "miraculously" coming back? The other one returning adled with drugs? Did she bother to file a police report when her daughters left or did she just assume they would run back home like lost puppies? And then she talks about pouring a glass of wine for her underage daughter prior to the Tom Waits concert.

I'm sorry the way it's written makes her sound like a horrible mother, suprisingly since its a personal account. Maybe I need to listen to the radio version of the story because I don't think the written version fully shows what transpired.
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clevernamehere
05/11/09

@robotsattack: There is so much out there on this family if you goggle the mother's name. Yes, she went to the police who wouldn't help her because laws are designed to protect runaways.
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♥AntiSocialSocialite♥
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
Can't relate to the mother/daughter relationship, but I love Tom Waits' Dead and Lovely... amazing song.
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Ann.in.the.middle
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
I read this story as a daughter and a mother. My mother and I had a very volatile relationship in my teens. I hated her much of the time. I was married (briefly) right after high school. Getting out of my parent's house seemed to help our relationship immensely. We became very close when my son was born. (I was 30, so it didn't happen overnight.) Now, 18 years later, I've moved across the country and it's clear that she's resentful that I've done so. (I've abandoned her and taken her grandson.) We talk about once a week and she often spends much of the time complaining about one thing or another. The first comment is often, "I haven't heard from you. I wish you'd call more often." This makes me NOT want to call.

Other side of the coin - As a mother of an 18 year old boy about to go to college (only child). I worry so much about how to stay close to him. We get along great, but he's prone to "forgetting" to call. I certainly don't want to try to run his life as he becomes a man, but I want to be a part of it. I know part of this will depend on my ability to accept and connect with the important women in his life.

It seems so unfair that our society rejoices when mothers and daughters bond as adults. If an adult female says, "My mother is my best friend" everyone thinks that's GREAT. If a man embraces his relationship with his mother, then he risks being labeled a mommas boy.

How do you feel about your man's relationship with his mom? What should mom's of young men do to stay connected?
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Flackette Goes Retro
05/11/09

@Ann.in.the.middle: Well, I would enjoy my boyfriend's mom a lot more if she didn't periodically call me by his ex wife's name. That aside, the thing I see is that he is routinely driven mad by her over-involvement, and need to give him detailed advice on everything. She seems to treat him like he's still a teenager who needs to be reminded to buy groceries and wash his socks, despite being a successful 38 year old adult and parent. He says that she has always been like this - overinvested in his doings, and prone to involving herself even when he doesn't want or need help.
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stacyinbean
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
This makes me so sad. I had a terrible relationship with my mother in my teen years. In my early twenties we started seeing a bit more eye to eye and though we still disagree on many things, I count my mother as one of my best friends. Everyone deserves that.
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Beckysharpstick
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
Did anyone notice that she poured a glass of wine for her daughter after she came out of re-hab? That sentence, along with the bit about how she slagged her ex to her kids, just really struck me as an indication that this particular mother is clueless about how her actions impact her children.

I may be projecting here, having had an angry narcissist for a mother.
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clevernamehere
05/11/09

@Beckysharpstick: From other articles I've read about this family, I assume Mom gave her the wine because she was just so desperate for her to stay (also, she wasn't in treatment for alcoholism).

There have been a lot of articles on this family and I sympathize with the mom far more than the daughters. The mom owns up to a degree of selfishness, but not even her daughters make her sound like a horrible mother. Meanwhile, the daughters have admitted that what they did to their mother was cruel.
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wells44
05/11/09

@clevernamehere: it is interesting though, that the mother chose to leave arizona and uproot her kids to help solve her issues after her divorce. in running away, the girls were following their mother's own example.
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clevernamehere
05/11/09

@wells44: I'm pretty sure she was offered a better job and that was the bigger impetus for the move. Really, there is a big difference between moving and disappearing off the face of the earth.
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Beckysharpstick
05/11/09

@clevernamehere: Yeah, my mom did the same thing, and I just waved good bye.

BTW, when you're young? Moving away is the same thing as falling off the face of the earth.
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clevernamehere
05/11/09

@Beckysharpstick: Moving away might feel like falling off the face of the earth, but its not the same thing as letting the people who love you think you might be dead for over a year.

I don't think she was a perfect mother and she takes a lot of blame for what happened, but the daughters were hardly blameless.
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whynotshesaid
05/11/09

@Beckysharpstick: My parents moved me halfway across the country while I was in high school. I left behind a lot of things because of that. I also had divorced parents who talked shit about each other in front of me.

That said, acting the way these girls did would have been unfathomable to my teenage self. I rebelled by drinking beer and letting guys feel me up and getting my tongue pierced when I was 18. I did not do anything even remotely close to what these girls did, because it would have been cruel.

I really don't think that any of the mistakes the mom made warranted the way her daughters behaved toward her.
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misspell
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
Tom Waits was my soundtrack of emancipation too. Sort of still is, or I guess it just brings back that teenage feeling...
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Slumdog_Mamabear
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
Tom Waits is the soundtrack to my RELATIONSHIP with my father. He is a manic depressive. Much like Waits he is so sad and so beautiful. It was hard to grow up with but as an adult I have come to appreciate him for what he has to offer and not what he lacks.
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colormeroutine
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
A direct quote from my mom when I was in high school: "If you start coming home with track marks I think I'd probably notice-short of that I'd rather just not know" We pretty much had a don't ask don't tell policy. she knew me and herself well enough to know she wasn't going to have any real control- I had enough basic decency to keep up appearances. It was a good system
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Benevolent_Dictatrix (patently absurd)
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
I have always thought that leaving home at 16 was the best thing I did for the relationship between my mother and I. I feel like I finally got the trust and respect I was looking for when I proved I could take care of myself.

Maybe she just became so terrified of losing me that she gave me all the power in the relationship for a while. This has given me something to think about.

For the record we have an excellent relationship now.
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misspell
05/11/09

@Benevolent_Dictatrix I must I must increase my bust!: I had the opposite of this - when I was 16, my mother got married to her second husband (with whom she is still ridiculously happy) and they moved about a hundred or so miles away, leaving me behind. At the time I felt a little shunned, but now I know it was the best thing possible - it meant that both of us were able to look at each other as individuals and respect each other's different goals and intentions. Plus, I got to see that sometimes, trying to be happy has unpleasant side effects, and sometimes you just have to go for it anyway. I guess it's that she trusted me enough to lead her own life, and I'm really grateful for it.
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Flackette Goes Retro
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
My mom hit early menopause in her 30s, so when I was a pre-teen she was in full-out estrogen loss and depression. It was not a fun time. But these days we get along very well 99% of the time, and I value that.
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Fizzy77
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
If my mother were to ever scorn my father in front of me I would have acted out too.

Thank goodness my parents have handled their divorce like ADULTS.
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Flackette Goes Retro
05/11/09

@Fizzy77: Boyfriend-of-Flackette is divorced with a 4 year old daughter. I am continually proud to see how well he handles the arrangement (he has 50% custody). He took his daughter to the grocery store and let her pick out a little bouquet to give her mother this weekend. I'm betting that they are heading off some major potential damage by only letting her see them interact in positive ways.
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LolaQuinn is full of beans
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
I made my mom cry so much when I was a teenager. And when I was a pre-teen. Um...and when I was really little. I wasn't very easy to raise at any age. But I think she sleeps soundly at night knowing that we're the best of chums now and that one day she will have revenge in the form of a snotty grandchild who acts just like I did.
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southernbitch
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
these types of stories always makes me realize how delicate a parent/child relationship is, with all the conflicting elements and emotions. and then i realize how amazing it is that my parents and i navigated my own (and sometimes their) shortcomings to result in a really healthy, happy relationship.
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Flackette Goes Retro
05/11/09

In reply to Wild Years: "Modern Love" Makes Us Feel Bad About Our Teen Years
See Mom? Having a messy room didn't make me such a bad kid after all! (Seriously - every mother's day I remind my mom that she had two kids who did not get arrested, drop out of high school, flunk out of anything, get pregnant/get anyone pregnant, take illegal drugs or get regrettable tattoos of Daffy Duck.)
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LolaQuinn is full of beans
05/11/09

@Flackette Goes Retro: I like to remind my mom that the arrest record was expunged, damnit, so can't we just forget it already?
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Flackette Goes Retro
05/11/09

@LolaQuinn: Well, technically my brother goes to prison regularly - but it's only because he works there. (I enjoy telling random strangers that my brother is going to come for a visit when he leaves the prison).
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Santos L Halper
05/11/09

@Flackette Goes Retro: Ha! That reminds me of the only two rules my parents had for my sister and me: don't get pregnant and don't get any tattoos. That was it, and they had two of the best-behaved teenaged daughters in the world.
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♥AntiSocialSocialite♥
05/11/09

@Flackette Goes Retro: HELLLO - every time my mother would wax poetic about how terrible my messiness was, I'd rattle off the offenses of my peers and she'd get over it.
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