Both Tom Daschle and Nancy Killefer withdrew from consideration for the positions they were offered in the Administration yesterday, with Daschle's departure making just a touch more news (being a former Senate Majority Leader who, in effect, supposedly helped write the very tax code he had been out of compliance with will do that). And, if I can be frank, let me just take one moment to illustrate a truth we hold to be self-evident: politicians don't write laws. Staffers write laws. They then explain to the best of their often-just-out-of-college ability what the results of any given piece of legislation will be, and send the Member down to the floor with some damn talking points. It's a big lie that politicians write laws. Our government is pretty much run by people younger than me.

Anyway, Barack Obama is saying it was all his fault:

The mistake, he said repeatedly in interviews with Charles Gibson of ABC, Brian Williams of NBC, Anderson Cooper of CNN, Chris Wallace of Fox and Katie Couric of CBS, was in seeming to give credence to the notion that one set of rules exists for VIPs and another for average Americans.

That's true and always has been. Blame our monarchical roots — hell, after we fought to get out from under a monarchy, most of this nascent country was still willing to make George Washington the King. Regardless, Obama would like to Change it enough that we all can pretend America is some meritocracy, which is probably part of the reason Howard Dean is being floated as a replacement for Daschle even though, at this point, I'm sort of expecting cat-torturer Bill Frist to make the short list. He has magical powers that allow him to diagnose people in just an hour of watching VHS tapes, you betcha.

Speaking of conservative choices that make no sense, today's head-scratcher is Obama's nomination of New Hampshire Senator Judd Gregg to lead the Commerce Department. New Hampshire Governor John Lynch has appointed a Republican to replace him, eliminating the excuse that it could be political, and the dude once voted to eliminate the entire department, which bodes well for his stewardship of it. The only remote thought anyone can come up with is that Sam Stein says it gets him the hell out of Harry Reid's hair and "forces" him to explain the GOP's strategery to Obama which sounds like the biggest load of hysterically stupid optimistic crap I've yet to hear out of anyone, frankly.

But, hey, the Obamas read to kids! The Republicans are taking advice from Joe The Motherfucking Plumber! Obama will make rich people make less money, just like the dirty Commie Republicans alleged he was during the campaign! And he sings!





There's nothing ironic about him singing "Chain of Fools," honest.

Hillary Clinton was sworn in as Secretary of State again yesterday in a photo-op ceremony that totally didn't seem somewhat absurd since she's already been Secretary of State for 12 days. While she was having her second bite at the confirmation apple, Eric Holder was getting his first, former Senator Tom Daschle was taking a tongue lashing (and not in a sexy way) in his bid to become the next Secretary of Health and Human Services, Leon Panetta was finally scheduled for a hearing on his bid to be the next CIA Director and current New Hampshire Senator Judd Gregg was trying to work out the kinks (also, not in a sexy way) in his nomination to be Secretary of Commerce by getting his Democratic Governor John Lynch to promise to appoint a Republican to his seat when he leaves, which makes me, at least, wonder what the fuck is the point of appointing him in the first place. I mean, he only wants the gig because he knows he'll lose a re-election bid to a Dem in 2010, which is when his emptied seat would be up in a special election anyway, so it's a zero sum game and he gets Secretary of Commerce? Granted, his predecessor for the nomination, Bill Richardson, is looking at an expanded investigation into his grabby little hands so Gregg's better than that, but, really? Really?

Meanwhile, Michelle Obama's been busy around town with more than just being Mom In Chief. She's reportedly crafting a policy agenda on all that "working families" stuff that she was promoting during a campaign. She even gave a speech at the Department of Education (think that'll be on her policy agenda?) about all the education issues close to her heart. Countdown to right-wing hysteria at a woman in the White House having a brain, a platform and the good sense to use both wisely to promote things that are important to her in 5...4...3...

While Michelle's out giving speeches and Obama's team is attempting to keep all their Cabinetry balls in the air, the GOP is doing just a little bit of soul-searching. Well, some of them are doing soul-searching and some, like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint, are promoting $3.1 trillion dollar alternative stimulus packages full of tax cuts for corporations and rich people which he believes will stimulate the economy more than some New Deal thingie where Real Americans get jobs building roads and shit. Others are listening to Joe The Motherfucking Plumber's political advice (for real, I swear, that's not even a joke), hiding from the wrath of Teh Gheyz because of their Prop (H)8 support or trying to make Sarah Palin the new Republican standard-bearer because she's just so gosh-darn cute with her fancy pageant walking and her nascent McCarthyism. One person who doesn't find her so cute is actress Ashley Judd, who, with the help of Defenders of Wildlife, stars in an anti-aerial wolf-hunting advertisement that attempts to make as much hay out of using Palin's name as I am by shoe-horning this story into the news instead of talking about protectionism, Iranian satellites, Kwame Kilpatrick's new-found freedom or Michael Bloomberg getting bit by a motherfucking groundhog. I know what y'all want to click.

While the Washington elite gathered this weekend to eat, drink and crack the occasional bad joke at the Alfalfa Club, House Republicans — once on the top of the D.C. food chain — were retreating at a West Virginia resort and bemoaning the fact that Sarah Palin lied to them. Apparently, when they invited the Alaska governor to speak, she said she had too much going on in Juneau (Alaska lawmakers sort of wish she actually felt that way), but then found the time to come hear President Obama speak. I mean, when your potential 2012 Presidential candidate thinks you're less cool than Obama, you've gone from jock clique to chess club president without even knowing it.

In the meantime, former Senator Tom Daschle became the second member of the Obama Cabinet to head into his confirmation hearings with some pretty gnarly tax issues (not to mention the free trips he probably ought to have known better than to take). And while that was all going on, House Democratic staffers crunched the numbers on the GOP's supposed stimulus plan and found that it would drive up taxes for many middle class Americans, to which the GOP responded, of course, that they just planned on passing a bill later to drive them back down so that the American people would never know the true cost of their plan. With all the tax cheats in the Obama Administration and tax-raisers in the GOP, it is enough to make a tax policy wonk's head spin. Or that might have been all the booze I drank last night, who knows.

Speaking of spinning, Obama is getting rid of the overused phrase "war on terror" (drink!), but keeping renditions and talking to the Chinese to make up for his Treasury Secretary being less-than-diplomatic. Jill Biden's back to teaching while the DOJ is trying to teach its employees a lesson about phishing. And, while it turns out that we sold Israelis the white phosphorus shells they used on civilians in Gaza in violation of international law, Aretha Franklin isn't all all sure that she's ready to part with her inaugural hat for the sake of other people's history. I wouldn't, either.

One promise that was kept, though, was the promise made at a New York Times Talks panel on Obama's first 100 days: that Thursday morning, the paper would not feature the typical swearing-in photo, and it doesn't! Aren't they cute? Not maybe as cute as the thought of the inauguration party that Sasha and Malia had last night at the White House, but very little probably could be.

In the mean time, there were plenty of disappointed inaugural ticket holders, what with the clusterfuckery of non-coordination that was security yesterday even for people (unlike me) lucky enough to have tickets or press seating. And, of course, no one was more disappointed that Hillary, whose promised confirmation by unanimous consent yesterday was derailed by Texas Senator John Cornyn because apparently it hasn't yet gotten uncool in some Republican circles to hate Bill Clinton. She is supposed to be up for a vote today, though, at which point she'll join her 7 Cabinetry colleagues in confirmation splendor.

As for other promises kept (other than that whole first-black-President thing), Obama ordered a suspension to prosecutions at Gitmo yesterday, Rahm put a stop to all pending regulation until the Administration can conduct a review and Obama reportedly plans to end the Mexico City policy (i.e., the global gag rule) by executive order this week. Oh, and the new White House website makes a couple snide remarks about Bush, which is just fun.

In illness watch, Ted Kennedy is reportedly recovering from his seizure yesterday which his staff says doctors think was brought on by fatigue. Health and Human Service Secretary nominee Tom Daschle was not in DC yesterday because he's taking care of a brother with brain cancer.

The best news, however, is that Barack is a fellow wine drinker. Reuters says

The White House has no official wine cellar but wines are chosen by a small team for specific events, based on their affinity with the menu as well as politically correct pairing depending on the guests in attendance.

I'd be more than happy to be part of this "small team," so, um, hey, Desirée Rogers? Give me a call. Unlike my language my palate is pretty refined.

MOE: Yo, sorry, I have been working on this freelance piece that is disrupting my normal function. I haven't looked at Drudge in a good 24 hours. I just felt so undernourished I bought a Starbucks Vivanno. WHOA what the fuck???

MEGAN: I know, I saw that! What's even worse is that he was a colleague of the guy the FBI totally thought did it and leaked to the press about and finally had to declare innocent and pay millions of dollars to. Kinda makes you wonder what his motives were, right?

Also, his little escapades contaminated half the building, which he totally tested off-the-record and in secret.

MOE: Yeah, Hatfill. Hatfill, who that Vanity Fair linguist pegged.

MEGAN: Well, the FBI pegged him to everyone.

MOE: Right. My mind is still blown here.

After the government's settlement with Hatfill was announced in late June, Ivins started showing signs of strain, the Times said. It quoted a longtime colleague as saying Ivins was being treated for depression and indicated to a therapist that he was considering suicide. Family members and local police escorted Ivins away from the Army lab, and his access to sensitive areas was curtailed, the colleague told the newspaper. He said Ivins was facing a forced retirement in September.

MEGAN: I dunno, the subtext there is that he did it as much to frame Hatfill as anything else, right? Am I just being too suspicious?

MOE: So the whole thing where IT HAS TO BE HATFILL BECAUSE HE WENT TO SCHOOL NEAR A RHODESIAN TOWN CALLED GREENDALE... apparently not! Do you think he just hated Hatfill? This is seriously the most awesome twist to a seriously awesome story. As you can tell, I am at a loss for words. Will you do the intro today?

MEGAN: Sure. And I'm just going to throw this in there even though no one but me and Charlotte Corday probably care, but the wife of the former Prime Minister of Thailand that the military deposed in a coup whose supporters still run the post-military government was convicted of tax evasion yesterday. But none of their supporters particularly care and that's sort of why it's bad to depose a Democratically elected government in a coup and then go after all the corrupt people because she may have not paid her taxes BUT YOU PUT TANKS IN THE STREETS.

Also, I miss my lobbying days this morning. The one time I went to a Chamber afterparty (with Alex Pareene!), I had to pay my own bar tab but I did share a cab to my neighborhood with some random guy that I thought drunkenly was part of the group and wasn't but he was really hot.

MOE: Um, yeah, I don't know what to say about Thaksin, really, can we stay on task here? The Thai military might have put tanks in the street over THERE, but they also let elephants run free and never even got a cool colonial name like Rhodesia. This guy killed like 6 AMERICANS, MOST OF WHOM WORKED FOR THE POSTAL SERVICE. And rendered every editor in America terrified to open the mail.

MEGAN: And Hill staffers! Don't forget the Daschle intern he poisoned.

MOE: With brothers like these!

The eldest of his two brothers, Thomas Ivins, said he was not surprised by the events that have unfolded. "He buckled under the pressure from the federal government," Thomas Ivins said, adding that FBI agents came to Ohio last year to question him about his brother. "I was questioned by the feds, and I sung like a canary" about Bruce Ivins' personality and tendencies, Thomas Ivins said.
"He had in his mind that he was omnipotent."

Feds before bros I guess. Remember when the Right was telling everyone the anthrax came from IRAQ? Motherfucker.

MEGAN: Well, Ted Kaczynski's brother turned him in, actually. I mean, when your brother is a sociopathic mass murderer, I think it's cool.

C'mon, here's something you'll like: GM lost more money last quarter than Exxon made.

MOE: Here's a news organization that really doesn't deserve any stray spores:

In a nation in which 66% of the voting-age population is overweight and 32% is obese, could Sen. Obama's skinniness be a liability? Despite his visits to waffle houses, ice-cream parlors and greasy-spoon diners around the country, his slim physique just might have some Americans wondering whether he is truly like them.

MEGAN: Oh, God, really? That's what the WSJ has to say? Obama's not fat enough to lead?

Um, sorry, new brief tangent, Daniel Craig is going to play some (hot) bisexual Roman king or something. Is it too much to hope that he'll be shirtless the entire movie?

MEGAN: And, switching gears again, John Rich of country music band Big and Rich penned a new song for John McCain and it sounds sucktastic.

He stayed strong, stayed extra long til they let all the other boys out. Now we've got a real man with an American plan, we're going to put him in the big White House.

MOE: Okay, that Times story reminds me of a thing that I think about earnings stories which is that they should just all come with little graphics so you know exactly what they're talking about. Like, I don't think that story lists a revenue figure for the quarter, though here

The company lost $4.4 billion in North America in the period, and its revenues dropped 33 percent, from $29.7 billion to $19.8 billion. That compared with a profit of $92 million in the quarter a year ago.

it looks like they list a North American revenue figure. I'm not sure. Anyway, the point is, net profit figures exist mostly to win the sympathies of the IRS and thus, when you see that one company's "losses" exceed another company's earnings, you kind of have to look a little closer at like how $83 billion in OIL earnings became $11 billion on profits. And that's where you learn that EXXON actually also lost money in the united states, due to the same commodity prices that earned it so much in its "upstream" exploration business. Which is to say, I throw up my hands. I'm still smarting from this Ivins dude.
"Why isn't this story the lead story in every newscast in America?" that blonde Fox anchor just asked.
GUESS WHAT IS.

MEGAN: Barack Obama "playing the race card"? Charlie Rangel not getting censured for doing shady shit? The Pakistani government cooperating in bombing the Indian embassy in Kabul? Oh, wait, hahaha, yeah, Americans don't give a shit about that.

McCain being senile? Rielle Hunter's baby's birth certificate not listing a father because under California law if there's not a husband she needs the father to sign a bunch of legal paperwork agreeing that he is?

MOE: Oh Jesus. That's what you get for not sufficiently appreciating Musharraf? Or what?

The government officials were guarded in describing the new evidence and would not say specifically what kind of assistance the ISI officers provided to the militants. They said that the ISI officers had not been renegades, indicating that their actions might have been authorized by superiors.
“It confirmed some suspicions that I think were widely held,” one State Department official with knowledge of Afghanistan issues said of the intercepted communications. “It was sort of this ‘aha’ moment. There was a sense that there was finally direct proof.”

MEGAN: Or it was in the works before Uncle Pervy left? Who knows. I thought when India and Pakistan both got nukes they were done being mad at each other.

But what, is the Fox News girl sad isn't the lead story? Inquiring minds want to know...

MOE: What do you think it is really direct proof of? Like, direct proof the universe is completely fucked? Direct proof civil liberties are overrated?

Oh, and the story was this a-ha moment Lots of a-ha moments today!

MEGAN: Oh, for Chrissakes. We've become so fat and so lazy that we want a pill to make it all better? Like, we'll spend untold millions of dollars researching and then paying for a pharmaceutical product to prevent having to go for a freaking walk?

MOE: But think of the countless BLOGGER LIVES IT WILL SAVE.

MEGAN: Until they discover the side effect that using it in conjunction with Movable Type causes seizures and brain damage, not that that's not already a side effect of Movable Type.

Hey, so, like, wanna address the elephant in the virtual room? Because I won't get to say it other than in the comment threads and shit, but I'm going to miss doing this with you. It was fun even when I was hungover and depressed and it and you were the reasons I got out of bed in the mornings the weeks after I got fired from Wonkette. Well, I mean, woke up anyway. I wrote a lot of them from bed.

MOE: Uhhhhh I don't do goodbyes very well. And somehow I don't think this will be the last time I'm on the Crappy Hour. I actually have a lot of ideas for how you should improve it in my absence that I'm going to write you a memo about. But yeah, like, I learned a lot of stuff doing this! Like how having a hangover doesn't always help one's writing! And how much I hate memes. Also, we are going to get that Bloggingheads ripoff idea worked out if I have to send you a fancy camera. That will be soooooo fun.

MEGAN: Yeah, I sort of suck at goodbyes, too, and I'm glad to hear you're not completely opposed to the idea of doing this again because, well, I mean, it's kinda weird contemplating doing it without you ever. Also, my dad mostly fixed my other computer with which my camera is more compatible, so I think that's totally do-able. And I look forward to your memo, which I will proceed to get stinking drunk in your honor before I read.

MOE: And yeah, Spencer? You should try to enlist Mike Madden of Salon some mornings. Pressler owes us an IM or too. I mean shit, I could do it once a week. But I like the ones where there's a focus, like OIL or PEDOPHILE FUNDAMENTALIST MORMONS or ANDY SAMBERG AND HIS $300 MILLION ALBANIAN AMMUNITIONS whatever. Or, like that one day when we were all set to join the Iranian resistance! Or that charming KBR gang rape story! So much, so much we have been through together.

MEGAN: Shh, Spencer will be hurt when he finds out that we're thinking about opening ourselves up to other men! But, um, yeah, I'm got some ideas in that regard, too, I mean, I'm rarely a one-man woman, intellectually speaking. I have been a one-woman woman for a bit, now, though, except for that one time with Sinister Rouge but she tempted me so! But the ones where we stayed with one topic were pretty cool.

MOE: Yeah I think I'd like to do a one-topic one every so often. Maybe once a week! And commenters can decide the topic! We can poll them! And challenge them to present us with appropriate reading materials so we don't have to do all the work! Hahaha remember when I wanted to poll them as to which job I should take? Good times. I was going to try and find "I Hate You, I Love You" by the Dead Milkmen to express my commenter gratitude but I can't so you'll have to make do with this. God if the Dead Milkmen would write a song about Alycia Lane that would be like our anthem. The dead milkmen and Santogold.

I miss Philly.