• Tina Turner vs. Aretha Franklin! Last week, Tina was asked to comment about that moment when Beyoncé called her "The Queen" during the Grammys, and Aretha got upset. Tina said: "[Aretha's] the queen of soul, and I'm the queen of rock 'n' roll. There were so many kings and queens there that night. Her ego must be so big to think she was the only one. That's how queens are!" Aretha says: "I never figured her to resort to tacky press just to sell a few tickets. I really had put her in a different class — higher than that." Tina and Aretha have never met. [USA Today]
• Angelina says Brad makes traveling with kids easy! "After the flight from Europe, we were all suffering a bit from jetlag. Although we went to bed early, [the kids] were up at 4:30 a.m. goofing around," she says. "Brad took care of things. He just said, 'Go back to sleep, you have to work tomorrow,' and then went to the living room with the kids. He's an amazing father: totally devoted." She also says of the twins: "They're totally sweet. They already have completely different personalities. Knox is more the quiet one, very relaxed, while Viv is a little more aggressive and loud. Knox looks more like Brad and Viv more like me." [People]

• More from Angie: She talks about fate, a theme in Changeling: "When I met my son Maddox, I went to Cambodia and left feeling I'd left something behind. I went back on a humanitarian mission and I felt, 'My son's here.' It was the strangest feeling. I woke up that morning thinking, 'They're going to introduce me to my kid today and I wonder how I'm going to feel.' And the moment I saw Maddox I knew I was his mother. I can't explain it." [Pop Sugar]
• Angelina also says Brad convinced her to get knocked up: "I think one of the life changing things that he did, one of many, is that I was absolutely never going to get pregnant. I never felt that it was the right thing to do. I suppose I just looked at him and loved him and just felt open to (getting pregnant). I suddenly wanted to. It's one of those things you can't explain." Also: "I'm with a man who's evolved enough to look at my body and see it as more beautiful, because of the journey it has taken and what it has created. He genuinely sees it that way. So I genuinely feel even sexier." [People]
• Speaking of Brad, one Katrina survivor says: "I thank God for Brad Pitt. I told him how much I appreciate all that he's done for me and my family." [CNN]
• That thing Britney has been working on is a documentary for MTV. Called For The Record, she uses it to talk about her past erratic behavior: "I sit there and I'll look back and I'm like: I'm a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?" The film airs Nov. 30, two days before her album drops. [People]
• It's official: Whitney Port has her own reality show, The City. It will air in the spring. In it, she works for Diane Von Furstenberg, reunites with a best friend from her past and meets "a guy she's head-over-heels for." Where's the part about being super stressed out and living in a hideous, tiny apartment? That's sooo New York. [ONTD]
• Whitney says: "I am thrilled and honored to be in New York City." [People]
• Josh Brolin speaks out about his July arrest in Shreveport: "I don't know exactly what happened. I do know that there was no fight. None. Zero. I do know that I was Maced, and I do know that somebody else (Jeffrey Wright) was Tasered …. There was no defiance. There was no struggle. There was no fight. There was no resistance." He also says: "I have never ever, ever, ever, ever seen an escalation of paranoia and abuse like that…ever. And I know a lot of cops. And everybody knows I have a checkered past and I've been in situations which are kind of tough. I've never ever been treated like that by any kind of police… ever." [USA Today]
• As previously reported, Travis Barker is eating meat for the first time in 25 years to help with his recovery. He says: "I need protein from food rather than just protein supplements. I changed my diet. I would do anything I possibly could if they said like, 'There's a possibility you might heal faster if you do eat meat or just change your eating habits.' So I did. I don't regret it at all, I feel so much better." [ONTD]
• Great Depression survivor Jerry Stiller: "If you loved Roosevelt, you will love Obama." [NY Mag]
• Lindsay Lohan needs to give a deposition in a case filed by Sam Ronson, but she doesn't want a transcript or videotape to be on public record. [AP]
• Joe Son, who played shoe-tossing villain Random Task in Austin Powers is being accused in a gang-rape case going back 17 years in California after his DNA matched evidence from the file. The details are gruesome. [NY Post]
• Breaking news: Madonna is a diva. [Page Six]
• OMG if Guns N' Roses actually releases Chinese Democracy this year, everyone in America will get a free can of Dr. Pepper. [Page Six]
• Charlize Theron is being sued for breach-of-contract by Swiss watchmaker Raymond Weil. Charlize was paid about $20 million to be the new face of Weil watches and she was to wear its timepieces exclusively from October 2005 to December 2006. But! She was the face of Dior perfume at the same time, and wore a Dior watch to a press event in Austin, Texas on March 14, 2006. So: Weil wants their money back. [People]
• Dancing With The Stars champ Cheryl Burke says she's endured vicious comments from tabloids and bloggers about her weight after gaining about five pounds over the summer. She still fits into her size 4 costumes and clothes, but she's cried over the harsh words. "I know I'm not fat, but when people keep telling you that you have to think about it. It's hard. I've always had that naturally curvy body since I was 11 years old." [ABC News]
• Cheryl also says: "I want kids or women out there to realize you don’t have to be anorexic to be beautiful." [People]
• Um, Woody Allen's Upper East Side apartment doesn't have any huge portraits of Scarlett Johansson in it, but it does have "creepy pedophile stuff": paintings of Mickey and Minnie Mouse hang in the living room. [Jossip]
• Janet Jackson's almost recovered from her undisclosed illness and is "excited" to go back on tour. [People]
• I don't even want to talk about Lauren Conrad's new $113,000 Audi R8 sports car or how the rich get richer. [Perez Hilton]
• Trouble in paradise for Avril Lavigne and rocker husband Deryck Whibley? [Perez Hilton]
• Actress Gabrielle Union and basketball star Dwyane Wade: It's on! [StereoHyped]
• The Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center will honor filmmaker Gus Van Sant for his upcoming bio-pic Milk. [UPI]
• John Cusack's stalker refused a plea deal, so she'll stand trial. She faces four years in state prison if convicted. [CNN]
• Ugh, in this never-ending story, Christie Brinkley has filed a restraining order against Peter Cook. [People]
• Peter Cook says, "There was no temporary restraining order issued against me." [Us Magazine]
• Shirley Manson says Butch Vig is working with Green Day on their new album. [Rolling Stone]
• Everybody say hey…oh…hey! Naughty By Nature has reunited! [ONTD]
• The MTV show in which Peaches Geldof is made editor of a new magazine sounds awesome: She makes rude comments about the editorial staff, makes assistants weep and earns the nickname Pineapple, because she is spiky and sour. [The Sun]
• Russell Crowe wants a posse of children. He said: "I want 17 or so kids. I say to my wife, 'Imagine having a daughter! A little you running around!' She just smiles and nods and says 'Yeah, yeah... no.' " [Sydney Morning Herald]
• According to this article, "Boy George is off the drugs, off the booze, and seeking solace in conversations with God." [Independent]
• Celebrity Rehab is coming back: Look for Jeff Conaway, Sean "son of Rod" Stewart, Tawny Kitaen, Amber Smith, Steven Adler of Guns N Roses, Rodney King, and American Idol reject Nikki McKibbon. [Perez Hilton]
• There's a new Black Eyed Peas CD in the works. Look for lots of digital stuff: Will.i.am thinks that this Christmas is the last year stores will actually carry physical content. [Perez Hilton]
• Hot lunch! There's a Fame remake in the works. [Reuters]
• Jude Law's new ladyfriend posed in a lesbian magazine. First, who knew he was dating a black model? Second, so what if she's topless in a gay mag? [This Is London]
• America's Next Top Model spinoff called Operation Fabulous? Starring the Jays? Fierce! [Yahoo News]
• Is Hugh Hefner gonna replace Holly Madison with 19-year-old twins? [The Sun]
• Whoa, the twins have mug shots and rap sheets. Does Hef know? [The Sun]
• Smarty-pants Emma Watson was seen touring Harvard and Yale. [Perez Hilton]
• "If I am around my friends, even if they are a bit older, I am a 14-year-old, I act like a 14-year-old. [I feel] maybe 17, [when I talk about] filmmaking and all this cultural stuff, but then when I am with my friends I feel like a kid again." — Saoirse Ronan, of Atonement and the new film City Of Ember. [Yahoo News]
• "I've been a hockey fan since I was fresh out of the womb, to be honest, It would have been hard not to be in my family since we're all hockey fans. I played street hockey a lot. Most Canadians learn how to skate when they're 2 years old. I was one of those kids, so I skated a lot on my figure skates and my hockey skates." — Alanis Morissette, who is participating in the NHL Face-Off 2008 festivities. [People]
• "So now, in an attempt to save his campaign, they’re talking about coming back. You see what I’m saying? So we said, 'Sure, we would love you to come back.' And even on the phone, he said, 'I’ll bring…Sarah.' But they’re being squirrely. Politicians can be squirrely. Because we have a date picked. We do this show every afternoon at 5:30. He wants to do the show at 5. So one –- we have no guarantee he’s going to show up, period. And we’ve kind of already rearranged our schedule on his behalf to save the economy, right? By getting that big-headed kid in here to talk about the politics. You know what I’m driving at? I just don’t know if we can trust him. And by the way, I don’t need to remind you that the road to the White House runs right through here." — David Letterman, on John McCain. [LA Times]
• "Tom Cruise is a maniac. I can't understand the way he conducts his life." — Lauren Bacall. [NY Post]
• "We have a high-profile family, but I don't want my children to be scared when we have to quickly get into the car because some person is running at us with a camera or something. It is a fine line of wanting them to be aware of strangers but not making them afraid. I suppose that, like with everything with children, it's just communication and being honest with them. I'm just a mom and I'm very grounded by my family. I'm very happy, and I'm so lucky. The world can like me, hate me, fall apart around me, and at least, you know, I wake up with my little kids and I'm happy." — Angelina Jolie. [Pop Sugar]

[New York, October 4. Image via INF]

• Barneys Creative Director Simon Doonan and designer Jonathan Adler were wed yesterday at City Hall in San Francisco! This article states that they "sealed the union with a spirited sprint down the glorious grand staircase." Mr. Doonan wore a Liberty print shirt, Barneys Co-op jeans, a Prada V-neck and a Thom Browne velvet jacket. Mr. Adler wore Barneys Co-op jeans, V-neck, a Fred Perry sweater, and Adidas sneakers. [SFGate, Photo by Thor Swift]
• If Prop. 8 passes in California, "it would be the first time in American history that an existing minority right would be taken away by the vote of a majority." The Christian conservatives are ahead, in terms of fundraising. Karen Ocamb's article indicates that Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O’Donnell, Sir Elton John and Melissa Etheridge have not donated to the cause to fight Prop 8, according to the California Secretary of State’s Campaign Finance website. Ocamb writes: "While their visibility as openly LGBT celebrities and entertainment power players is important, their financial absence from the specific fight to save the fundamental right of same-sex couples to marry is hurting." [In L.A. Magazine]
• Katie Holmes made her Broadway debut in All My Sons last night and Tom Cruise loved it. "It was extraordinary," he says. [Yahoo News]

• Heidi Klum is freaking out about hosting the Emmys on Sunday. She says: "I get nervous when so many people are looking at me. It’s live and you go on stage and no one asks questions. To go out and just talk is terrifying." Heidi, when it doubt, say "deezigners." Everyone loves that! [The Sun]
• BREAKING: Ivana Trump flew coach. [Page Six]
• Pink's song about heartbreak, "So What," is her first No.1 song on Billboard's Hot 100. She says the track is not entirely autobiographical, but the opening line is, "I guess I just lost my husband." (Watch the video!) [Yahoo News]
• Nicole Kidman speaks about her baby and her hubby! She says: "To be given the blessing of a child at this stage of my life was wonderful." She also claims she and Keith can't stand to be away from each other. "We start to hurt after seven days. I've never wanted to live my life apart from the person I love. If you're going to be with someone, you're with them, you’re committed to them. I'm not sort of flitting around. If I fall, I fall — that's it. We gently fell into each other. We were two lonely people who went, 'Ah, there you are.'" [The Sun]
• After shooting 30 Rock with Oprah, Tina Fey says: "I would like to announce that we are officially best friends." [Chicago Tribune]
• You know how Amy Poehler is getting her own show? Will Arnett will be on it! Her husband! [Onion AV Club]
• Justin Timberlake is planning on writing a song for his friend Ellen DeGeneres and her new bride Portia de Rossi. "I actually made them a promise and I'm gonna stick to it," he says. Let you whip me if I misbehave… [UPI]
• Simon Cowell uses so much Botox he can no longer scowl. He says: "To me, Botox is no more unusual than toothpaste. It simply works. You do it once a year — who cares?" Um, Simon, do you only brush your teeth only once a year?? [The Sun]
• George Clooney's character in Burn After Reading uses a sex ramp; apparently sales of this item are suddenly up. [Daily Express]
• Katherine Heigl earns about 22 times what her Grey's Anatomy costar Ellen Pompeo makes, thanks to her film career. (Other Grey's salaries are compared here, too.) [Portƒolio]
• Val Kilmer as the governor of New Mexico? Bill Richardson says yes! "I like the idea. Val Kilmer is a New Mexican; he was Batman. You know there have been successful actors going into politics." [Shakesville]
• Last night, Audrina Patridge maybe moved out of the house that she shared with Lauren Conrad and Lo Bosworth. Plus: Rumors are swirling that she's getting her own spin-off show. Please let JustinBobby be in it! [TMZ]
• Oooh the Jack White/Alicia Keys Bond theme! It's called "Another Way To Die." Listen here. [Concrete Loop]
• So you know how Robert Downey Jr. is going to play Sherlock Holmes in a flick directed by Guy Ritchie? Jude Law will play Watson. [Ain't It Cool]
• Gwyneth Paltrow and Mario Batali will do another 13 episodes of their cooking show; this time in Italy. [Perez Hilton]
• Contrary to reports, two of Paris Hilton's dogs were NOT eaten by a coyote. [Page Six, People]
• Pat O'Brien is leaving The Insider. [People]
• Ryan O'Neal's lawyer says: "Those were not Ryan's drugs, he doesn't use drugs." [People]
• Gary Coleman's lawyer says "he did nothing wrong." This comes after Coleman allegedly ran over a dude who tried to take his picture with a camera phone. [People]
• Janet Jackson's Rock Witchu tour: "Overloaded with blinding dazzle, pyrotechnics and gaudy style over substance. The myriad production numbers were reminiscent of a poor Vegas revue and emotionally distant, the band and backup singers bolstering her vocals hidden away, leaving one to wonder if some — or most — of it was prerecorded." [Reuters]
• Is Britney Spears getting special treatment for her driving without a valid license trial? [AP]
• Broke oil "heir" Brandon Davis owes money all over town. [Page Six]
• Is Kathy Griffin moving her Life On The D-List show from Bravo to some other network? [Page Six]
• Denise Richards' show: Getting canceled? [Page Six]
• Joan Prather of Eight Is Enough was arrested after dragging an L.A. County Sheriff's deputy down the Pacific Coast Highway with her car. [TMZ]
• China's Ugly Betty is not ugly enough. [Guardian]
• Speaking of Ugly Betty, America Ferrera says Henry and Gio will be back on Season 3. [EW]
• Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez: Officially divorced. That was quick! [TMZ]
• LL Cool J is pissed because Jessica Simpson's album beat his on the charts. [MSNBC]
• Ronnie Wood's estranged wife says: "I'm enjoying my new freedom." [The Sun]
• Ashton Kutcher doesn't know how to spell step-daughter Tallulah's name. [Perez Hilton]
• Does Playboy treat black women like crap? [TMZ]
• The Spice Girls have beaten Led Zeppelin for an award for the best music reunion. Girl powah! [BBC News]
• Tracy Chapman is releasing her first new album in years, and you can listen to a track here. [Perez Hilton]
• "I do believe in marriage… But I just think for me, it’s not a desperate kind of thing. In America it’s definitely something that seems to be a major goal with every woman – the big wedding day. I don’t need that. I want total commitment and spiritual connection, and I am lucky because that’s what I’ve got. One of the things that first attracted me to my boyfriend is his brain. He’s very well-read and really sexy to me. Brains are the most important thing to me, because I feel I lack them. I want them from the man I am with. I love a well-read man – that is such a turn-on." — Eva Mendes. [Mirror]

[New York, September 17. Image via INF]

• "She's certainly telling friends she's planning to write a book," says a source close to Sam Ronson. "It's supposed to be about her, allegedly. But come on, you know Lindsay will be all over that book. She's the only one people want to read about." But! Michael Lohan says: "She's using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ. And now she's writing a book? I am at wit's end with this stuff. This is not in Lindsay's best interest." Oh dear! (And for the record, the Ronsons were on the New York scene before Lindsay ever shot Parent Trap. So.) [Yahoo News, The Sun]
• Michael Lohan thinks LL is drinking again. "Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse." [MSNBC]
• Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton: Splitsville! The couple has been engaged since 2006 and started dating in 1992. They broke up after five years but got back together in 2005. Tell me how am I supposed to live without you? [Yahoo News, People]
• Related: Headline of the day: "Desperately Airbrushed Housewives: Latest Publicity Pictures Contrast With Recent Real Life Shots Of Stars" [Daily Mail]
• Matthew McConaughey's mom reveals her husband, Matt's dad, died while she was having sex with him: "On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. One day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn't hear anything from him. Just nothing. But it was just the best way to go!" [Page Six]

• Ow, ow, Keith Urban has a slipped disc. Now who's gonna help Nicole with the baby? [People]
• Speaking of injuries, Kelly Osbourne's black eye was the result of a kitchen cabinet that fell on her face. Stupid Swedish box store. (Kidding!) [The Sun]
• Tom Brady spent $11 million on a plot of dirt in Brentwood, CA so he can build Gisele Bundchen a house. [TMZ]
• The ratings for the fourth-season premiere of The Hills were down. But! Lauren Conrad still gets $75,000 an episode! [Yahoo News]
• Madonna had a "meltdown" over technical problems that forced the screens to go out during several songs during her concert in Nice, France. I've got the moves baby, you got the motion. If we got together, we'd be causing a commotion. [Perez Hilton]
• Oooh, some love letters from the '90s Madonna sent to then-boyfriend James Albright might get released. Some are signed "Spanky" because she liked getting smacked on the ass during sex. [Mirror]
• Liz Hurley's in St. Tropez with husband Arun Nayar and best friend/ex boyfriend Hugh Grant. Amazing that Hugh and Liz dated for 13 years and stayed friends after breaking up in 2000. [Daily Mail]
• Please click and tell me wtf is up with Hayden Panettiere's birthday suit. [The.Life Files]
• DMX cursed at his judge while in court, which the judge didn't really like. And yeah, there is video. [The.Life Files]
• Jennifer Aniston won't be having plastic surgery, except for that deviated septum operation she had so she could breathe better. But everything else is yoga, cosmic energies and karma. [ONTD]
• Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth went to a 90210 party and mingled on opposite sides of the room, which is supposed to mean there's tension and underlying drama happening. [E!]
• A South African lady who claimed to be raising funds for an R. Kelly concert in 2005 swindled $130,000 from investors. But! She deposited the money into a bank account, and the account belongs to R. Kelly. Kelly's camp says there is no truth to these reports. [E!]
• Rosario Dawson, Jessica Alba , Eva Longoria, Fat Joe, Wilmer Valderrama and Sofia Vergara will party at Voto Latino's DNC event in Denver tonight. [Page Six]
• Rihanna is looking for a condo in L.A. for she and Chris Brown to move into, but it needs to be soundproof because they like to play their music loud. [Star]
• Pete Doherty's new autobiographical film is playing in an Austrian porn theater? [The Sun]
• This story is sooooo ridiculous. It claims that since there were rumors that Paris and Benji broke up, she decked him out "in a T-shirt with 'Obey' emblazoned on the front and parade[d] him around in front of the paparazzi, of course!" [Mirror]
• Extras from that sure to be sucktastic Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie are claiming £6million in damages after suffering broken bones, cuts and bruises while filming. The studio had better pay up! [Mirror]
• Snoop Dogg has still not been granted a visa to enter Australia for a tour. Waiting. [News.com.au]
• Kelsey Grammer is back playing Dr, Frasier Crane… In a Dr. Pepper commercial. Maybe you drink it with tossed salads and scrambled eggs? [Perez Hilton]
• Haley Joel Osment will make his Broadway debut in David Mamet's American Buffalo. I see theater people! [USA Today]
• Barbra Streisand's goddaughter threatened to kill a woman? [TMZ]
• Vanessa Minnillo says that Nick Lachey was the one who said "I love you" first in their relationship, not that you care. [People]
• There's an opera based on the movie The Fly opening in L.A. "I didn't want to remake the movie. I didn't want to rewrite the screenplay again," David Cronenberg says. "This production has a power and charisma all its own." [Reuters]
• Ben Stiller is being honored by the Museum of the Moving Image. [Reuters]
• Kenny Rogers' new CD: Available at Cracker Barrel. [Perez Hilton]
• "The doctor said the tumour was so small, he wouldn't have even noticed it except for the fact that it wasn't there on previous X-rays. I've learned that if you catch breast cancer early, the chances are overwhelmingly good that you'll be cured. So my attitude, which very much mirrored my mother's, was this wasn't a big deal." — Cynthia Nixon, speaking about the moment she learned she had breast cancer. [Daily Mail]
• "It was a pile of shit, wasn't it? I wanted to get a job in the can before my daughter was born. It was actually very pleasant for me. I didn't have much to do with Sharon Stone. And thank God because I heard she was a fucking nightmare." — David Thewlis, on making Basic Instinct 2. [ONTD]
• "My job is to not pay attention to what Tom Cruise did with the role in a similar way that Adam's is not to pay attention to what Dustin did. Is it going to be better? I'm not even thinking about that. The film came out in '88, right? I was 10. I've seen it twice in the last 20 years." — Josh Hartnett, on his stage production of Rain Man. [Telegraph]
• "I stay at 165 pounds and cook everything out of Cooking Light magazine. I only eat irresponsibly on Saturdays, which means bacon and candy. I am against [nips and tucks]. If you have bad plastic surgery, it looks like you were brought up poor, moved to LA and didn't make it. If it's good, you just look like somebody else." — John Waters. [Page Six]

[New York, August 24. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[All Images via Bauer-Griffin.

]

[New York, August 15. Image via Splash.]

[Image via Free Republic.]

• "i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. so, here's the visual... two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me... one of them being, 'Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?' WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile! i am not judging people that do, but i am just saying that its not something that my family finds necessary to do, especially when you're not even fully developed yet! It is hard enough being 14 years old and you have enough insecurities to begin with, then add being in the public eye... i just find it really disconcerting that people have to focus on the negative and that some people are sooooo bored with their own lives that they need to manifest lies to hurt another person." — Lindsay Lohan, on her MySpace Celebrity blog. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Christian Bale will get a "caution" — is that like a warning? — for allegedly pushing and shoving his sister and mom. Meaning he won't go to court. [The Sun]
• Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi: "Getting married very very soon." [Perez Hilton]
• Jennifer Aniston's been seen with model Matt Felker. Also known as Selma Blair's ex-boyfriend. Also known as the guy from Britney's "Toxic" video. [Perez Hilton]
• Apparently John Mayer is "still mulling" his relationship with Jen and might be upset that she's seeing someone new right away. Whatever, dude. [Mirror]

• Angelina Jolie is not "the replacement" for Tom Cruise in the spy thriller Edwin A. Salt; Tom passed on the role. Spin control or correction? [MSNBC]
• Paula Wagner, Tom Cruise's production partner, is quitting MGM/UA. Again: Is Tom's career in the crapper? [Financial Times]
• "I'm writing every day, right here at the piano," Britney Spears says. The new songs are her "best work ever." [Reuters]
• Pam Anderson has a new man! He's from the United Arab Emirates and may be a member of Abu Dhabi's royal family. Think she'll live in Dubai part-time? [E!]
• Pictures of Chris Brown and Rihanna frolicking on the beach in Barbados will make you want to go on vacation. [The Sun]
• Is Mary-Kate Olsen, who has an estimated $20 million annual income, "burning through her money? [MSNBC]
• Meanwhile, Ashley Olsen's been seen "all over" new boyfriend Justin Bartha. [Page Six]
• Michelle Williams is careful about the paparazzi: "Before Michelle leaves the house with Matilda, she has a bodyguard go around her block and make sure there are no photographers," a source says. [Page Six]
• The phrase "wardrobe malfunction" has gone into the lastest Chambers English Dictionary. Thanks, Janet Jackson, for adding to our modern lexicon! [Mirror]
• While Madonna has plans to adopt a little girl from Malawi, she won't be adopting Dingiswayo Banda, David Banda's newborn half-brother. This paper is trying to make her feel bad about that. [Daily Mail]
• This report says Madonna is not planning to adopt another child from Malawi. [TMZ]
• Benji Madden and Paris Hilton: Dunzo? [E!]
• Kelly Brook and Billy Zane: Splitsville. "This time, for good." [Mirror]
• Winona Ryder and Blake Sennett from the band Rilo Kiley: Broken up. There are two eclipses this month and everything is all effed up, you guys. Hug someone. [Perez Hilton]
• Courteney Cox directed a short film for Glamour magazine's Reel Moments. "My short's about a girl, played by Laura Dern, who has a chance encounter on a bus that confirms the decision she makes to be single and reinforces her faith in herself," Cox says. "You don't have to have someone complete you." [USA Today]
• Kevin Federline was checking out spelling conundrum Brittny Gastineau at a club in L.A. recently, but Brittny was not interested. Unrelated: Would you like to buy a vowel? [Page Six]
• David Beckham, Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin and Leona Lewis will be part of the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. If they do "Stairway To Heaven" my brian will explode. [Mirror]
• Sylvester Stallone will star in a Bollywood movie? Must. See. [Wall Street Journal]
• Some dude fell down a "large, concealed drop-off" on Sharon Stone's property and he's suing. [TMZ]
• A woman arrested on charges of stalking John Cusack has been found mentally competent to stand trial, and she'll be in court September 9. [Reuters]
• Dave Coulier speaks about being the inspiration for Alanis Morissette's song, "You Oughta Know." "I said, 'I think I have really hurt this person.'" Ya think? [Perez Hilton]
• If you've got a hundred bucks and an idea about who shot JR, you can go to the 30th anniversary party for Dallas, being held at a Texas ranch. Larry Hagman, Linda Gray and Patrick Duffy have confirmed they will attend! [AP]
• Audrina Patridge has been offered a guest role on a new sitcom, Do Not Disturb, starting this fall. Not that you care. [People]
• "What have you done? You hardly know the boy!" — Peaches Geldof's dad, Sir Bob, upon hearing that his daughter got hitched in Vegas. [Mirror]
• "You can’t understand how a woman seeing a man who has been separated from his wife [Rosetta Getty] for months can cause such a scandal. It’s awful, I can’t tell you. You wonder when it’s all going to stop." — Jo Miller, Sienna's mom. [Daily Express]
• "I don't believe in God, I believe in Al Pacino, and that's true. If I ever get a phone call saying, 'Would you like to work with Pacino?,' I would go crazy." — Javier Bardem in Time magazine. [Page Six]
• "If anyone wants to win an Oscar, they can just work with me." — Kerry Washington to Giant magazine, referring to her Academy Award-toting co-stars Jamie Foxx and Forest Whitaker. [Page Six]

• Did John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston break up? Sources say she's been dumped. Gah! An unnamed, possibly non-trustworthy, totally random source says: "John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn't ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn't want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together." Is it a good or a bad thing? And how long will we have to hear the "desperate single" gossip about Jen? [Mirror]
• Britney and her sons are wearing white on the cover of OK!. And she, uh, doesn't want Jayden and Preston to have careers in showbiz. "But but I’d love them unconditionally if they wanted to. I’d just as soon they have a more normal childhood," she says. Is it "normal" to be on the cover of a trashy tabloid with your weave-wearing mom? (More in Midweek Madness!) [MSNBC]
• Britney went to a party! And her dad went with her! And she didn't drink! And people say she looked good! [E!]
• Madonna and Guy Ritchie are "on the very cusp" of adopting a little girl from Malawi. Her name is Mercy and Madonna "fell in love" with her at an orphanage last year. [The Sun]

• Meanwhile, Guy Ritchie has been doing ju-jitsu with Jason Statham. "I've been fighting Guy in his garage in L.A.," Jason says. "We're killing each other. That's another of my passions, strangling friends." Why does he make it sound so hot? [Mirror]
• Lily Allen is back with ex-boyfriend Ed Simons but by the time you read this they may be broken up again. [The Sun]
• Rhys Ifans is back with Kim Stewart but by the time you read this they may be broken up again. [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse is finally settling down to work on an album, which she hopes to finish by the time Blake Incarcerated gets out. We'll believe it when he hear it. [The Sun]
• Oh, dear. In a survey of 3,500 Britons, the number one celebrity people had nightmares about was Amy Winehouse. [The Star]
• Officials have released the news that the cause of death for Isaac Hayes was a stroke. The saddest sentence ever: "Family members found Hayes lying on the floor of his home beside a treadmill that was still switched on." [Yahoo News]
• Natalie Portman's directorial debut, Eve, is a 17-minute film described as "a civilized comedy." Opening at the Venice Film Festival, it stars Lauren Bacall and Ben Gazzara. Wanna see! [Yahoo News]
• Oh lord. Here we go again. George Clooney says: "I have never texted or emailed Senator Obama. And I'll offer a million dollars to anyone who could prove otherwise. In fact, I've only talked to the Senator once in the last year and a half… on the phone." WTF. This is the same thing that happened with Scarlett Johannson. We just heard that George was giving Barack tips on policy! Does this mean that the Daily Mail lied? Are we not to believe everything we read? [Yahoo News]
• Nicole Kidman brought her one month old daughter to her movie set. Working mom! [Star]
• Blake Lively's nose job seems to have occurred sometime in 2006. Plus, she says: "I've kissed just three people in my life, other than stuff that I've done for TV or movies. I know — I'm weird!" [LA Times]
• Chris Martin joked about dating other women on Japanese TV, saying, "Thankfully, my wife is over 1,000 miles away." [Mirror]
• Is Tom Cruise's career in the shitter? [Page Six]
• Julianne Moore is a stone cold fox in shots for Wonderland magazine. She talks about always being nekkid in flicks: "People ask all the time if sex scenes and nudity are hard. What’s hard? Not the lines or the physicality, but the emotion." [Daily Mail]
• Does Ryan Adams want Mandy Moore back? [Gawker]
• The fantastic Ellen Burstyn is coming to Law & Order SVU as Stabler's mom! [EW.com]
• Adrian Grenier and Isabel Lucas (aka Shia LaBeouf's car crash costar): Dunzo. [Yahoo News]
• Tori Spelling won't be on 90210 after all. Jennie Garth=sad. "I'm really bummed because I love Tori and I was psyched Tori was going to be on the show. I think she should definitely get paid as much as either of us is getting paid. Her father created the show. It just seems wrong if that’s the case. I don’t know what really happened… I don’t know if it’s about the money." [EW.com]
• Mark Consuelos will perform the ceremony in the marriage of Howard Stern to Beth Ostrosky. Uh… [Fox News]
• Dane Cook is not alone in hating the poster for his own movie. It's dumb and ugly. And a Photoshop of Horrors. [People]
• A Kylie and Dannii Minogue duet of an ABBA song is the campiest thing I can think of without picturing Liberace. [The Sun]
• Shania Twain is "progressing" and "working hard" to get over her split from her husband of 14 years. Breakup advice, anyone? [People]
• Janet Jackson's set list for her upcoming tour: Yes, "Nasty" is included. [Perez Hilton]
• "It was fantastic to do that album. Not only live with that music that I love everyday, but I just worked with such wonderful musicians who are so talented. I would love to do another album. Right now, though, I'd like to focus on developing something to direct." — Scarlett Johansson. [Perez Hilton]
• Jay-Z may use is 40/40 club to take over Las Vegas. [Page Six]
• Adam West, aka Batman, might be on Dancing With The Stars. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton is being sued for not doing enough publicity for a sorority film she was in, National Lampoon's Pledge This! Maybe she was doing them a favor? [AP]
• Now that he's a dad, Clay Aiken is returning to Spamalot, so he can make cash for his baby. The kid's name is Parker Foster Aiken. Unrelated: The pic of Clay makes me shudder. [USA Today]
• Bernie Brillstein, a Hollywood manager and producer, died last week. At a tribute Monday night, Jennifer Aniston, Rob Loew and Kermit The Frog attended. [E!]
• "I hate blogs but I love mine. Cause I can be F-in REAL with people!!!! I wanna make a difference in a good way even if that means speaking my mind. people might take offense to it but whatev. First of all lets address my 'voting" comment- first of all opinions are like (you know whats)-everyone has one. I decided to make a very blunt comment. Notice how i said "I know IIIIII couldn't do it cause I'd be pms-ing and freaking out all the time" ....Honestly I'd LOVE to meet a woman with NO emotional problems....but thats not the point...but its true. LOL Second- Only 54 percent of eligible american voters cast their ballots!!!!!! Half of them are only voting cause its "cool " to vote for so and so...they aren't even up to date on information. I'M personally not up to date on the facts, so I don't wanna make a stupid choice for our country. I WANT to vote but only when I know exactly whats going on. More ppl should think like that. Paris Hilton said "yaaaay go vote cause its cool and hott!!!!" ...SHE WASN'T EVEN REGISTERED. seriously." — Brooke Hogan. [ONTD]

• Liz Taylor is reportedly on life support after suffering heart failure. A source says, "Doctors though they were going to lose her." The 76-year-old was diagnosed with pneumonia last week. Be well! [Daily Mail]
• Tom Cruise is named in a $250 million federal lawsuit against the Church of Scientology. It seems that the guy behind the suit, Peter Letterese, is using a celebrity name to get attention. It's working. [Rush & Molloy]
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick left a NYC restaurant. Together. Which is a "show of unity" after the news of his affair broke, according to this paper. [Daily Mail]
• Ryan Gosling made his DJ debut at the Green Door Lounge in Hollywood Tuesday night and guess who showed up? Rachel McAdams! Ryan and his ex talked when he was away from the booth and a spy says, "He seemed happy to see her." Ryan played tunes from the '40s and '50s. [People]

• The best news we've heard in a long time: Britney Spears wants nothing to do with Sam Lutfi. [TMZ]
• Also, Britney's conservatorship — in which her dad takes care of her — will be extended until the fall. [TMZ]
• Blake Incarcerated is so depressed he's stopped his mopping job. A source says, "[It] may sound funny, but it gave him something to do. Instead he mopes around his cell." Jail isn't supposed to be fun, babe! [The Sun]
• Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester: Dating Entourage's Joshua LeBar? [Star]
• Jennifer Garner was seen walking out of a doctor's office with a piece of paper with the words "March 2" circled, so E! is speculating that March 2 could be her due date. Didn't she say she was four months pregnant? March is seven months from now. Babies don't hang in there for 11 months. Also, who the hell cares what her due date is? [E!]
• Ivana Trump fell while partying on Denise Rich's yacht in Saint-Tropez. She's gonna be okay. [Rush & Molloy]
• Kate Middleton refused to upgrade to first class on her trip to Barbados to meet Prince William; she wanted to be treated as a regular passenger. Um, if there is a first class seat to the Caribbean up for grabs, I know someone who wants it. I've already packed. [The Sun]
• Alicia Keys protested her concert in Indonesia being sponsored by cigarettes, so Philip Morris pulled the billboards and posters down. She also released a statement: "I am an unyielding advocate for the well-being of children around the world and do not condone or endorse smoking," she said. Love her! [Yahoo News]
• On an episode of Living Lohan, Ali went on a casting call and met with some Hollywood types — including Peter Davy. He's made some "adult" movies like Breast Wishes 14 and Bun Sisters 12. So yeah, at 14, she's already met a porn producer. [MSNBC]
• Jessica Simpson is on the cover of Elle in a skin-tight plaid shirt and jeans. And the writer asked her if she'd ever been abused: "I don't want to talk about it, but I have definitely experienced abuse in a way that I would tell people to take their heart and run," she said. Wait, what? [ET]
• Liv Tyler's estranged husband Royston Langdon might sing for Velvet Revolver, now that Scott Weiland has left the band. Shallow opinion that is neither here nor there: Scott's hotter. [People]
• Kanye's late mother, Donda West, owes $606,983.43 on her home; it's being foreclosed upon. Kanye's got some paperwork to take care of. [Perez Hilton]
• Ed McMahon's money troubles continue: He owes lawyers $275,000 for handling his daughter's divorce. Ouch. [Yahoo News]
• Katy Perry recorded a song called Breakout a few years ago and Miley Cyrus did it recently. You can hear both and pick a fave if you care. [ONTD]
• The Black Crowes are suing Gretchen Wilson for song stealing. Her "Work Hard, Play Harder" apparently has parts of their 1991 track "Jealous Again." [Yahoo News]
• Oh! You can compare and contrast the songs here. [E!]
• Kid Rock's being accused of assault. This is from a 2006 incident with autograph seekers at Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel. You know what's funny? Someone wanted Kid Rock's autograph. [Yahoo News]
• India.Arie was supposed to debut on Broadway in For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf, but there's a delay, due to money probs. Boo. [USA Today]
• Chuck Kelly and his ad agency partner Chris Preston wanted to name their company Kelly Preston. Except they realized there is a Kelly Preston, and she's married to John Travolta. Although she was born Kelly Kamalelehua Palzis. [AdFreak]
• Jacob The Jeweler is suing Wyclef Jean over non-payment for bling. [Crain's]
• Remember D'Angelo? There's a story about him in the August issue of Spin. Apparently being sexy ruined his life. "We couldn’t get through one song before women would start to scream for him to take off something,” says an insider. "It wasn’t about the music. All they wanted was for him to take off his clothes." Another source says,"He’d get angry and started breaking shit. The audience thinking, 'fuck your art, I wanna see your ass!' made him angry." Welcome to life as an object. Many women know exactly how you feel. [Stereohyped]
• "Dylan was doing occupations at school recently and the teacher said, 'You have to go home and ask Mummy and Daddy what they do.' So we were trying to explain to Dylan that we make movies and he went to Michael, 'Hang on. Mama makes movies, you make pancakes!' So my two-time Oscar-winning husband with a career of 40 years looks at me and says, 'Oh, it’s come to that!' — Catherine Zeta Jones discussing her son (and husband Michael Douglas). [The Sun]
• Doug Reinhardt, who went out with Lauren Conrad briefly, went on the radio and said, "She a good kisser." What a gentleman. [E!]
• "It's about empowering girls," Lauren says of The Hills. "You're gonna have bad boyfriends and best friends-turned-enemies. You need to be yourself, you need to work hard and you'll get there." [ET]

[Los Angeles, July 16. Image via x17]

[Los Angeles, July 15. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Is Michael Jackson making a comeback with New Kids On The Block? Apparently he's in secret talks to link up with the group, and hopefully it's not just because they have the word "kids" in their name. [Mirror]
• Um, NKOTB is also doing a song with New Edition. Party like it's 1988! [Just Jared]
• Oh, dear. Michael Jackson uses a wheelchair now. And "the skin on his hands is peeling, almost like a snake’s." [The Sun]
• Tom Cruise sent ex-wife Nicole Kidman a "room full of flowers" after she gave birth last weekend. Classy, very classy. [Mirror]
• Jennifer Garner's pregnant! If you believe this report via the National Enquirer. [Contact Music]
• Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook have reached a surprise settlement in their divorce case as of 6:15 a.m. Details to come. [People]

• Uma Thurman is engaged to Arki Busson. We know that. ButhHe used to date Elle Macpherson, whom he allegedly would not marry because she was divorced and he was a staunch Catholic. Yet! Uma is also divorced and her dad is a Buddhist. So. [Daily Mail]
• Whichever mag ends up getting pictures of Brad and Angelina's babies will be banned from using the word "Brangelina." Never really liked that word anyway. I mean, I've used it, but I regret it now. [TMZ]
• Listen to Ali Lohan's new track here. Does it have a "hip hop vibe"? Or is it somewhere between "meh" and "forgettable"? [People]
• Cynthia Rodriguez spoke with Cindy Adams of the New York Post, but made no mention of Madonna. She says Alex Rodriguez has changed and is no longer the man she once loved. [NY Post]
• Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes in a flick directed by Guy Ritchie? Yes, yes, yes! [E!]
• Ethan Hawke married his currently pregnant former nanny Ryan Shawhughes. Dear Ryan: Hire a male nanny. Love, Uma. [E!]
• Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away… David Beckham will be on Sesame Street! [Mirror]
• No surprise here: Amy Winehouse's neighbors want her evicted. [Mirror]
• Um, Amy visited Blake Incarcerated in jail and "yanked her top down, pressed her boobs against a glass booth and writhed suggestively." [The Sun]
• Leo DiCaprio wants to reduce amount of junk mail being sent. And huge envelopes full of paper and forms for the Natural Resource Defense Council's "Polar Bear S.O.S." campaign are sent with his name in the return address space. Whoops! [Page Six]
• Socialite Arden Wohl was arrested in East Hampton Saturday for writing "Ralphy Lipshits" in lipstick on the window of a Ralph Lauren store. We all know he was born with the last name Lipschitz, calm down. [Page Six]
• Will Matthew McConaughey and his new baby be in OK! magazine? [Page Six]
• The fact that there's a Dane Cook dog poop scandal is pretty shitty. [Page Six]
• This is "huge": Little people Wee Man and Wee Matt will be boxing each other in Vegas. [Page Six]
• Did Jennifer Aniston find a batch of letters from ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson in John Mayer's guitar case? [Page Six]
• James Franco graduated from UCLA last month — at the age of 30 — after quietly taking courses in English Literature for years. And! He'll attend graduate school at NYU in the fall. Sigh. Nothing's hotter than a brain. [Rush & Molloy]
• Will Lance Bass appear on Dancing With The Stars with a male dance partner??? Because that would be awesome. And frankly, he's danced with dudes in public for years… Heard of something called 'NSync? [Rush & Molloy]
• Colin Farrell smashed into a car in Hollywood — but he totally left a note! "Did a bad thing!" it reads. "Deepest apologies." Ah, there was a time I wish he'd smash into me… Over it now, thanks. [TMZ]
• Pam Anderson doing a split. [TMZ]
• The hardest part of being in treatment for anxiety and depression is missing her daughter, Heather Locklear says. [People]
• Courteney Cox will appear on three episodes of Scrubs as the new Chief of Medicine, which should be fun. [People]
• Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter Apple makes her little brother Moses cross-dress. [People]
• Jennifer Lopez's restaurant, Madre's, has been shut down. And guess who is a madre now? [E!]
• The wedding of Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher is on hold because she hasn't converted to Judaism yet. Her Torah studies are "going slowly" because she's been working. Someone named "Bonnie" commented on this story thusly: "How sexist is that? It's wrong for her to be 'hasty' and return to work after having a baby but it's good that he "channelled his energies into work"? They should be glad the child will have a mother it can look up to who has a career and ambitions." [Daily Mail]
• Michelle Williams is is asking Heath Ledger's friends to share stories about him, because she is making a movie about Heath so Matilda can see what her dad was really like. [News.com.au]
• "I don't know why women do Botox. It doesn't make them look younger, it just makes them look like they had work done." — Julianne Moore. [People]

Life & Style
"Baby Album." OMG babiezzz. Eight pages of details on celebrity infants and new moms and dads, if you care, which we don't. Included are: Harlow Madden, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (no pictures), Trista Sutter's son Max, Ali Landry's daughter Estella, Gabrielle Reese's son Brody Jo Hamilton and Melissa Joan Hart's son Braydon. Next: Madonna and A-Rod news: "He's just her type," says a source. "She loves attractive, muscular Latin men." Who doesn't? Allegedly Cynthia Rodriguez found a letter Alex had written to Madonna which read, "You are my true soulmate." Meanwhile, who is watching the kids? Madonna's daughter Lourdes was seen throwing blueberries at people on the sidewalk from her balcony in New York (Fig 1). Next: On her birthday, Lindsay Lohan got a message from Samantha Ronson on her BlackBerry, which she left up all day. It said: "I love you, honey. Happy four month anniversary!" Awww. We knew back in April that it was love!
Grade: C- (hot breeze)

OK!
"Jamie Lynn's Baby Maddie!" JLS says: "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Intern Margaret read the whole eight-page story and says JLS sounds "extremely sane and disappointingly normal." Also, despite previous reports, there was no C-section and Casey was in the delivery room but didn't faint. JLS says if Maddie wants to go into show business, she'll support her daughter 100%. Moving on! Tom and Katie spent July 4th at Tom's ranch in Telluride, CO and were joined by the Beckham brood. Barack Obama told his daughters "yes we can" get a dog after the election. Madonna and Guy's marriage has apparently been over for two years. A source says: "Madonna and Alex are having fun. She has 'sexy friends' in New York, London and Los Angeles — and all over the world." Lastly: Was Nicole Richie kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because she hit a guy after he slapped her ass at the valet stand?
Grade: C (cool breeze)

Us
"Caught!" Alex Rodriguez supposedly exchanges sexy text messages with Madonna. He told a source: "She's my fucking soulmate, dude!" He's also way into Kabbalah now. His friends say "He's been brainwashed." But! Madonna is already over it. "She only wants someone when it's a challenge," says a source. She ruined Alex's marriage, and she feels she won… So it's on to the next challenge." Also inside: There's an "exclusive" five-page story about Andrew "The Bachelor" Firestone's wedding but we simply do not care. Next: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long split because neither of them wanted to go to the next level, whatever that is. Also Drew thought he was immature. They're still friends, naturally. Have you seen Jennifer Lopez's baby girl (Fig. 2)? Courtney Love is a "trainwreck" with an alternate persona called Cherry Kookoo. The mag has actual train tracks on this page about her. Did you see her riding in the shopping cart? She explains that thusly: "He just threw me in and bam bam bam razzi razzi." (Fig. 3) Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. Portia says "It's going to be kind of big." Yay! Jennifer Aniston is on a "love tour" as she follows John Mayer on his tour. In just two weeks they have hit seven cities in the US, Canada and Europe.
Grade: C+ (paper fan from Chinatown)

Star
"Mary-Kate Back To Rehab?" MK's been partying a lot and her friends are convinced it's because of her inability to accept Heath's death. (See? It says it right there on the cover: "Haunted by Heath.") She might be anorexic again. [I saw her on 'Letterman' and she looked quite healthy. -Ed.] Moving on: Tom Cruise has packed on 25 lbs. His "chiseled torso" and "muscle-bound shoulders" are MIA. In their place "a chunky, definitely unhunky rear view, complete with flabby delts and love handles flopping over his jeans." Judge for yourself (Fig. 4). Also inside: Jodie Foster has a new girlfriend and they are playing house! Michelle Williams is "trying to move on." A source says behind closed doors "she sobs her heart out" and can barely handle seeing Dark Knight posters. Brody Jenner's family is worried that he's an alcoholic. And they have reason to be worried! "He used to be a fun guy to be around, but now he's just an obnoxious drunk," an insider snarls. While on bed rest, Angelina Jolie has been watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. There's a six-page story on Hollywood's Hottest Bromances: Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala; Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell; Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick.
Grade: B- (electric fan)

In Touch
"The Truth About Their Steamy Affair." Madonna has told a pal that she "loves Alex, but only as a friend." But! Alex supposedly rented a separate apartment just as a "secret love nest." Moving on: Angelina hasn't been walking around the hospital. She's just been lying in bed, reading magazines, typing on her computer and talking on the phone. Because she's on bed rest. Next: Britney's kids don't know her, a story claims. They're dependent on the nanny, who wakes them up, feeds them breakfast and puts them down for naps. The nanny loves the boys with all her heart. Oh! Heidi Montag went to the DMV with Spencer Pratt to register to vote! Score one for John McCain! Colin Farrell has gone public with his relationship with English novelist Emma Forrest, by the by. Rumer Willis says: "There's so much pressure to look a certain way and I don't fit the convention, but it's okay if you're not the perfect picture." Post-baby Jessica Alba wants her old body back. She "let herself" have pasta and bread recently and "couldn't resist" a "sweet treat" from Pinkberry a few days later. How dare a Hollywood mom eat! Chris Kattan's wedding seems awesome: Parker Posey was his "best man." Brooke Shields, Will Ferrell and Charlie Sheen were there, as well as so many more (Fig. 5)! Benji Madden won't let Paris get a tattoo. "He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure," she explains. But! He plans to get one of her face.
Grade: B (air conditioning)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

• Is nothing sacred? Are there any bastions of hope left in this world? Brace yourselves, people: Word on the net is that Jennifer Garner is considering breaking up with husband Ben Affleck. Ted Casablanca says Ben's mom has never particularly liked Jen, who broke Michael Vartan's heart to hook up with Ben in the first place. Sniff. [E!, via ONTD]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's film debut! She's in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. Look closely at the 1:21 minute mark in this trailer; Brad holds Shiloh as she watches a balloon float away. The girl's a star! [Socialite Life]
• Britney can have her kids for overnight visits! Progress! [TMZ]
• So remember how a pack of surfers attacked a gang of paparazzi at the beach where Matthew McConaughey was surfing? Apparently there may be another rumble scheduled! Comments on the x17 website between surfers and photogs indicate that "it's on" for Saturday. Bring your leather jacket and switchblade comb. [Rush & Molloy]
• The new issue of In Style has Anne Hathaway gushing about Raffaello Follieri — you know, her ex who was busted for fraud and money laundering yesterday. [Page Six]

• Lindsay Lohan has been showing up early for call time on her new flick, Labor Pains. Plus! She knows all of her lines and her co-workers "actually like her," says a source. The bigger question is: Will this movie be better or worse than Just My Luck? [Page Six]
• Is Madonna being sabotaged? Apparently her old record label, Warner, is planting negative stories about Live Nation or something. [Fox 411]
• And! Is Madonna getting divorced, like for realz? Apparently she's hiring the same divorce lawyer who "masterminded" Paul McCartney's court battle with Heather Mills. Uh-oh, is Guy Ritchie in trouble? [Mirror]
• Pamela Anderson will be in the Big Brother house… In Australia. She's just popping in to teach the housemates the "tricks of her trade." No idea what that means. [News.com.au]
• This kerfluffle about the picture of Tom Cruise looking so much like his Valkyrie character, the real life German officer who plotted to assassinate Hitler — which turns out to be a Photoshop scandal — is so boring I can't say anymore about it. [AP]
• Jill Scott is engaged! Congrats! [Perez Hilton]
• Is Kylie Minogue back with Olivier Martinez? Did she say "I just can't get you out of my head" ? [The Sun]
• Salman Rushdie has been knighted by the Queen. Act accordingly. [The Star]
• Billy Zane spent a night trying to pick up women in an L.A. club while his girlfriend Kelly Brook was working 3,000 miles away in Virginia, boo. [Daily Mail]
• Charlotte Church says she wants enough kids to have a "rugby team." [The Sun]
• Remember Amy Jo Johnson? She was Julie on Felicity. She's expecting her first child in the fall, with fiancé Olivier Giner. [People]
• Kanye West and Alicia Keys were winners at the BET awards. [E!]
• Charlize Theron likes to go camping. "I'm a tough girl and I can not shower for a week - I'm fine with that." [The Sun]
• Did MSNBC's Keith Olbermann pitch a fit over not getting a first-class train ticket to Tim Russert's funeral? Because that is tacky. [Page Six]
• Michael Jordan broke some kid's heart, aww. [Page Six]
• John Mayer had the decency to warn ex gf Minka Kelly that the news about him dating Jennifer Aniston was about to hit the press. He said, "Sorry, but I'm really in love." Hmmm. [Page Six]
• Tony Danza wants to play Nixon's chief of staff in a movie? Don't make me say it. Okay. Who's the boss? [Page Six]
• A nun spotted Steven Tyler in a Starbucks and got super super psyched. A nun. [Page Six]
• As previously reported, Heather Locklear is in a facility for depression and anxiety. Be well! (Remember in March, when her doctor called 911 and claimed she was suicidal?) [Page Six]
• Janet Jackson's CD hasn't been selling well, but tickets to her concerts have! Plus: She might do (sigh) a reality show. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "What two hunky actors are refraining from any public displays of affection now that spies on their set are suggesting they're more than friends?" [Rush & Molloy]

• Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to kicking and spitting at police officers after screaming foul words at a British Airways employee. Naomi was heard on the phone saying: "They have lost my fucking bags, get me another flight, get the press, get me my lawyer." What? Like you don't say that all the time. Please. [The Sun]
• Didja hear? Jamie Lynn Spears squeezed out a daughter named Maddie Briann yesterday. Good luck, kid! Er, kids. [E!]
• Not that you needed to know this but: JLS didn't have a C-section. [ET]
• Casey Aldridge was so nervous the first time he held his new daughter — birthed by girlfriend Jamie Lynn Spears — that he said he was afraid he's drop her. Aw. [TMZ]
• "[Jamie Lynn] is awfully young to be a momma, but that's what they make [grandmothers] for. They have to help. That's the way it is with our circle of friends." —JLS's distant cousin Margie Busby. [People]
• Britney might move back to Louisiana. [Us]
• Snoop Dogg's new country video is out! "Country music is the most underrated music in the world," Snoop, who dedicates the song to Johnny Cash, says. "It always has the test of time, it's great, it's heartfelt, and it touches people no matter what color they are or where they're from." [People]

• Amy Winehouse is still in the hospital. [People]
• Tom Cruise is introducing David Beckham and Will Smith to fencing. Or, as this paper notes, they play with their swords together. [Mirror]
• Would you look at Will Smith's son, Jaden, 9, surrounded by blondes? [E!]
• Rhys Ifans is "heartbroken" after his split with Sienna Miller, which is why he got loaded and threw a beer bottle at photographers. Or maybe they were harassing him. [The Sun]
• Holy crap! After 14 years, is there a song from the Guns N Roses album, Chinese Democracy? [E!]
• OMG OMG Match Game is coming back? Seriously, I watch the old episodes on GSN and it is the best thing ever conceived. Drunk celebrities making sexual innuendos and double entendres. Bret Sommers, Richard Dawson, Charles Nelson Reilly. And that skinny mic Gene Rayburn rocks! It's corny, it's genius. Watch this. Or this. Oh! Anyway: Sarah Silverman, Norm MacDonald and Rashida Jones will be on the new version. [ONTD]
• Katie Holmes's Broadway play is bumping Mario Lopez's Broadway musical from its theater. Are we living in a parallel dimension where such a sentence makes sense? [ONTD]
• Janice Dickinson: Seen wearing an eyepatch and throwing water on a paparazzi. These TMZ dudes are jerks, huh? They just stalk and harass celebs till something happens and then post the video as "news." [TMZ]
• If you know who Charlotte Church is, you may care that she is pregnant with her second child. [The Sun]
• Oh no! The H, A, and N on this Hancock billboard in London were added last. Meaning, for a period of time, the sign read COCK. [The Sun]
• In Pete Doherty's new YouTube video, he films himself while taking a bath. What? At least he's clean. [The Sun]
• Molly Sims' dog ate so much sand it had to go to the hospital. [Page Six]
• Socialite Tinsley Mortimer is apparently too boring to get her own MTV show. [Page Six]
• Oprah Winfrey's bff Gayle King likes James Frey's new book, ha ha. [Page Six]
• Twin models walked off the set of Catherine Zeta-Jones's new movie The Rebound because they didn't want to wear skimpy bathing suits, yawn. [Page Six]
• Is there trouble in paradise for Ivana Trump and her new hubby? He didn't go with her to England's Royal Ascot races or to a slew of parties in Saint-Tropez. What the hell is wrong with him? Hanging with Ivana sounds fun. [Rush & Molloy]
• Jeremy Piven hit on Megan Fox at a party and promptly struck out. [Page Six]
• Jay-Z's new glasses are reminiscent of Raj from What's Happening!!. [The.Life Files]