In Japan, "toilet poems" are part of a new effort to make squatters consider their toilet paper usage. The Japanese Toilet Labu (I took Japanese in college, so I know this roughly translates to: Japanese Toilet Lab) research center is putting poems like, "that paper will meet you only for a moment" and "love the toilet" at eye-level in public bathroom stalls. It's genius, really. Perhaps if we all thought of toilet paper in a more poetic manner — considered each and every square like, say, a goodbye kiss experienced in the last, lingering days of an extraordinarily beautiful autumn — the world would be a better place?

Of course, being frugal with the bath tissue can be taken too far. Take the cautionary tale of Amador Bernabe, who may have been fired from his job at an Australian engineering firm because he chose to abstain from toilet paper altogether. This story, besides being completely disgusting, is an important lesson for us all. There CAN be downsides to conservation.

Finally, back to America, where TP sales are actually down 5.5 percent. According to Kimberly-Clark Chairman-CEO Tom Falk: "[Americans] are conserving cash and don't want to build any household inventory."

This, of all today's toilet paper news, I find the most shocking. And sad. Are any of you actually rationing your squares? Because I know I never feel more American — hell, more alive — than when I'm clutching a really excessive fistful of Charmin.

Japan Group Launches "Toilet Poems" to Save Paper [Reuters]
Townsville Engineering Firm Denies Worker Sacked Over Toilet Habits [News.com.au]
Even Toilet-Paper Sales Suffer in Recession [AdAge]

• So all that time at the gym bashing John Galliano paid off! Such that Marc Jacobs saw it fit to run nude photos of himself in the latest issue of the tres exclusif magazine Visionaire in honor of his guest editing stint. [WWD, 1st item]
  
• International Herald Tribune fashion critic Suzy Menkes: "I'm afraid my British sense of humor fell flat. My remarks about murdering Marc Jacobs were meant as a joke, and probably a very bad one. What I actually did [that night] was to tear apart a pizza with my bare hands..." Yeah, we agreed with her more the first time. [WWD, 2nd item]
  
• A 12-year old models at Australian Fashion Week, proving what everyone has long known: Clothing designed for "women" is actually cut to fit middle-schoolers. [The Sun]

• A "Trunk Show" (oh the puns, they kill us) was held last night as part of London Fashion Week to benefit endangered Asian elephants was held last night. Designer Alice Tempereley and sucky actress-cum-fashion "icon" Sienna Miller both attended. We do hope Vogue editor/elephant lover/London Fashion Week attendee Anna Wintour did not. [Vogue UK]
• In case you haven't heard a gajillion times already, Kate Moss and her hair stylist/bff James Brown are doing a hair-care line. Says Brown, "I was adamant about the price. My sister is a nurse in Ireland and I wanted her to be able to afford something like this - it shouldn't be just for the Katie Holmes of the world." Oh, how very populist. Also: Katie Holmes gets this shit for free anyway. [Vogue UK]
• It's that time of year again: The toilet paper wedding gown competition! [Sassybella]
• Footwear designer Taryn Rose is now shilling a line of man-made diamond jewelry so that you don't have to feel that your bling is, um, causing international strife. Says Rose, "We probably didn't need Taryn Rose to be a jeweler...". Well, okay then. [WWD, sub req'd]
• It's only, uh, September, but retailers are already preparing for a lousy holiday season; something about consumers trying to keep up with their mortgages in a recession or something. [WWD, sub req'd]

The thing is, the one website referenced by the Times article, TrashTheDress.com, seems to have a different take on the TTD trend. In fact, the website's manifesto implies that TTD is less about iconoclasm and more about brides stroking the egos of their brand-new husbands!

You've made a commitment to your husband. He's your one and only true love, right? Then you'll never need the dress again. And no, your daughter won't wear it in 20-30 years. So you have two choices: 1) Suffocate it in plastic and throw it in a closet, 2) Show your husband how committed you are by trashing the dress, and get some great fun pictures while you do it!

Sometimes we think we'd really like to do something ambitious for once, like assemble our bed frames, or make a red velvet cake. The vast majority of times, it's hard enough to tear ourselves away from the internets long enough to turn on the television. (Which, for the record, is how we ended up missing the Paris press conference this morning!) Welcome to Hints From Hell™, your weekly dose of desperation-aiding words of advice for days like today, FROM days like today:

• Water Is Almost Like Milk. Say you want cereal, and you've got cereal, but you don't have milk, or like, your milk's sell-by date is... oh man, don't tell us... Yesterday, we learned that water works almost as well; in fact we could barely taste the difference, until the last few bites, which were pretty, er, watery.
• Paper Towels Are The New Coffee Filters. We were utterly taken aback when we realized, this morning, that we had no more coffee filters. We drink approximately nine cups per day, and it is the one thing in our lives that we take seriously, so seriously we own a fucking grinder. So in the absence of filters we thought, "ok, we'll just have to go down the street to Starbucks." Ah, wishful thinking! However, cramming Charmin in the filter worked like a charm. Yes, we know what you are thinking: But if you use paper towels for coffee, what do you do for toilet paper? Glad you asked!

• Tampons are even more absorbent than toilet paper. Remember "sets" and "subsets"? (Like, how all the prime numbers are odd numbers but not the other way around? Or wait, except for two.. ANYWAY!) Tampons are our latest in addition into the category of "Things that are both flushable and absorbent enough to wipe your parts." If only toilet paper was quite so effective with the monthly visitors!

Have a helpful tip you'd like to share with 'Hints'? Comment below! We'll choose the best hints and pretend they were our own! But don't worry, the real losers among you will know the truth.