If you've seen Toddlers & Tiaras, you already know the deal: Makeup, fake tans, elaborate coifs.

According to Eleanor:

The programme itself follows three contestants, Madison, Sasha and Tyla. Each is desperate, (or rather, they are told they are desperate) to win the title.

Tyla, however, blew Madison right out of the water. Also nine, she is the youngest girl in Britain to wear contact lenses (glasses are, of course, ugly), she has highlights in her hair, and, aged seven, had plastic surgery.

Yes, apparently Tyla's ears stuck out, and had to be changed. In the clip below, you can witness the tone of the documentary, which certainly does its best to paint the contestants — and the mothers, for no fathers are pictured — in a negative light. There's more where this came from on YouTube.

As the little girls prepare for the pageant, there's no joy, no laugther, no "child"-like giddiness. Just tons of makeup. One contestant's mother says, "They remind me of little drag queens, really."

In addition to this new documentary, there's a new book from PowerHouse called High Glitz, featuring portraits of child pageant contestants. The photographs debuted earlier this year at a gallery in The Netherlands.

While the pageant culture is looked upon with a mix of fascination and disdain, blogger Eleanor (who is a "is a 17-year-old feminist from Edinburgh") is also worried. She writes:

It broke my heart to think of these children (none of whom won) as they left the venue. At an age where my biggest body hang up was wondering when my next tooth would come out, what would these girls now think of themselves? That they were ugly? Or indeed, that it mattered? That they were worthless, because their only ‘talent' had been beauty, and they had failed at it? Which would grow up to suffer from eating disorders, (which are affecting younger and younger children), or to believe that fake tans and plastered-on smiles are more important than intelligence, wit, compassion and love?

Well, we can only hope that these baby beauty queens will turn out okay — and that just like other American stuff which washes up on on distant shores — McDonald's; Coca-Cola; Madonna — pageants won't be taken too seriously by too many.

Baby Beauty Queens [The F Word]
Baby Beauty Queens [YouTube]
High Glitz [PowerHouse books]

She wasn't the only pageant girl the episode focused on, but she completely overshadowed the other girls, due to her haughty, holier-than-thou demeanor and overbearing, demanding relationship with her mother.

The thing is, her mother feeds into Tootie's inflated sense of ego: Her mother calls herself "Tootie's assistant." She "fetches" things for Tootie, does her toes and spray tans. (Madison, on the other hand, is a down-to-earth girl who is happy to play soccer with her dad while wearing jeans. Madison and Tootie are different, even though they are the same kid.)

When Tootie is in "Tootie mode," you had best not call her Madison. Also, she is completely cheesy. Not only did was her "Indian" dance offensive to Native Americans, it was offensive to dancers.

Tootie's mom is basically an enabler; she actually thinks that her bratty little snot of a daughter has a "good attitude." The crazy thing is, Tootie is a little manipulator. She's playing a game.

When asked about her competition — the other girls — Tootie replied, "I don't know. I don't care about 'em." But then smirked. She thinks she is slick.

But actually, in the end, though Tootie won Supreme Queen, she didn't win any of the other big prizes — not Beauty Queen, nor one of the three puppies the pageant was giving away. She's been told she's gorgeous and amazing, so she doesn't seem to know what to think or do when she doesn't succeed. The interviewer asked, "Were you happy when your name was called?" Because, you know, at least she won something. But her face was a twisted mask of confusion and she could only say, "I dunno." And then: "No." Followed by: "Don't put that on TV."

Part of the problem might be that at home, Tootie's picture is on the same level as that of Jesus Christ.

Earlier: Toddlers & Tiaras: A "Diva Moment" Is Actually A Tantrum

1.) Toddlers & Tiaras Is Back!

You know, the show that puts daughter-less mothers—who refuse to accept reality—on reality TV.

2.) Twinemies
The premiere episode of the second season featured twins AshLynn and BreAnne, who are forced to compete against each other. The mom so obviously likes BreAnne better. It's totally Jacob Have I Loved. Usually BreAnne wins the crowns, but at this pageant, she threw a temper tantrum and her father wouldn't let her compete for the rest of the day, so AshLynn ended up winning. BreAnne won't accept this. One day, a therapist will get an earful from one or both of them.

3.) Hand Puppets
This little girl is so Anna Nicole. Not because she's from Texas.

And not because she's cranky and flashy.

And not because she doesn't always make sense.

And not because her good behavior at photo shoots is rewarded with trips to McDonalds. No, she mostly reminds me of Anna Nicole because she has a face full of makeup and acts like a four year old. Also, her two best friends are her mother's hands, which she believes to be people, and that's something I can see Anna Nicole subscribing to.

4.) The Insider So Totally Doesn't Get "Ethics"



But at least they're curious.

5.) World's Strongest Toddler: That Don't Impress Ah Me Much



TLC did a whole special on this kid and the best evidence of his "title" was him lifting his mom's wuss weights over his head. Big whoop. Wake me up when he can French braid his own hair.

6.) Teens, Need A Summer Job?
Teenagers 16 and up are allowed to strip in Rhode Island (as long as they're home before midnight).

7.) Joe Jackson: "I started Leonard's career in music promotion."
Leonard:

8.) This Isn't An SNL Skit

9.) Crazy Old German Lady Beats Up Librarian, Gets Away With It
This is from some kind of Cops format show. I could barely edit it down because it's too awesome, beginning to end. While I love the German lady's outbursts, I'm also into how upset the one librarian gets when it's implied that she couldn't find the U.N Charter. ("I didn't even get the chance to look!")

10.) That's So Lindsay

All the contestants were participating in a pageant in Texas where the biggest prize was $1000 cash. That kind of money is nothing to sneeze at, but when you spend $2000 on one dress, does it make a dent?

The most upsetting contestants were six-year-old twins BreAnne and AshLynn Sterling. Well, they weren't as upsetting as their clearly undermining mom.

She soooo played favorites with BreAnne, who she thinks is the "prettiest" of her five daughters and "looks most like Mommy." Later in the show, BreAnne was being a total brat, not listening, being arrogant and rude, but her mother still wanted her to be in the pageant. Dad Barry finally carried her — screaming and crying — from the venue. The one you've got to worry about is poor AshLynn, the "big nose" twin, who is clearly going to become an emotional wreck if she doesn't channel the feeling that she's second banana — which her own mother reinforces.

Eden Wood is four years old and an only child. Luckily, her mom has "best friends" for her: Hand puppets. Question: What's the difference between a "diva moment" and a tired 4-year-old? What's the difference between a "diva moment" and a temper tantrum?

Behold: Cavin, the 2-week-old pageant contestant. His brother Cameron was like, "He wants to win really really really badly. But he doesn't know that." Also: "His head was kinda titled."

Eden Wood performed in a Vegas showgirl outfit. Her mom performed in a blue button-down shirt. Eden's coach thought "it was precious."

After her performance, Eden announced, "I rocked that stage." Cavin the 2-week-old was 4th runner up in the boys division; and his mom said: "It does make me feel a little better that I can make beautiful babies." Cavin's brother Cameron won Most Handsome and King.

Eden won trophies for Most Beautiful, Best Dressed, Outfit of Choice (the Vegas ensemble) and Queen. Meaning, she won the $1000. Eden's dresses cost between $2100 and $3600 and Eden's mom has spent — sorry, invested — between $65,000 and $75,000 on pageants. So: Congrats.

The Darling Diva Pageant in Brooklyn actually lived up to what I envisioned "pageants" to be before I learned that they're mostly held in hotel conference rooms with little to no decorations. This pageant not only had stadium seating and a large stage, but an extensive lighting design that would rival any top-tier high school theatrical performance.

The girl in the clip above is six-year-old Kiannah. This is her first pageant, and, as you can see, she's thrilled.

Her mother entered her into the pageant, but her scary godmother Sarah — whom I can only assume has no little girls of her own — was running the show.

How much did you love the lady's reaction at the dress store when Sarah insulted her goddaughter?

I don't know why, but I felt compelled to do this.

Anyway, I thought it was a great twist that Sarah was living vicariously through a pageant mom. Who would've thought that was an enviable role?

Certainly not this woman.

She's the mother of four-year-old Paige.

Despite the fact that they enter at least one pageant a month, and she coaches her daughter and entices her to do her routines with the use of (wrapped!) presents, Paige's mom insists she's not a "pageant mom." She said, "If anyone called me a pageant mom, I would ignore them."

Except that this is her bumper sticker on her car.

She should get another one that says, "If you can read this, then I will ignore you."

The other girl profiled in the show was six-year-old Essence.

Her name is the only thing really noteworthy about her. Oh, wait. Her talent portion was particularly awesome:

There was a Mardi Gras-themed portion of the pageant, in which the girls wore elaborate costumes, of their own (mothers') creation.

And one 6-year-old wore clear heels. In just 12 more years, the time spent in these shoes could count as "work experience" on a different kind of stage.

Paige dressed up as Carmen Miranda, and I actually have to commend her mother for putting her in a nude suit shirt instead of just having her four-year-old in a bikini.

This girl wasn't featured much, but her intuition that she's better than this, and her lack of even feigning interest really made her shine, in my eyes. Also, where does a baby get off having that kind of definition in her arms?

It was kinda hard to tell who won what, because everyone got at least one trophy and and one crown if not more, as there seemed to be more categories than contestants.

And now I'll leave you with some Essence.

The result is that she's kind of forcing her 2-year-old Maverick and 3-year-old Hayden into gender roles they may not be naturally attracted to. This is most likely harmless, but it would certainly seem to be affecting their development, in the way of a lack of wrist rigidity.

The pageant featured on last night's episode was the Texas Walk of Fame. It's a glitz pageant, which its director said is "more competitive. The judges are more qualified. They must know what they're looking for."

However, this lady was a judge, and she seemed totally unqualified and no idea what the fuck was going on.

She said, "This is my first glitz pageant. I'm looking for children that look natural. That look like a child, not like a miniature adult."

Yeah, good luck with that, lady. Particularly when some kids have stepped it up so much, that they pretend to be pregnant on stage. What's cuter than a baby? A baby havin' a baby!

Another contestant in the Texas Walk of Fame pageant was 5-year-old Faith.

I just want to call her Face, because I love the ones she makes.

She totally knows it, too.

She's a little bit salty.

And she states her mind.

She doesn't look as much like a beauty queen as she does someone from Queens. She looks like those middle-aged women who converse with their neighbors by standing on their front stoops and yelling across the street. All she needs is a Virginia Slim in her mouth.

But she's not about the glitz or the glory. She's in it for the cash.

Face's mother is your typical stage mom. She's very competitive about other mothers/children, and she has a website for her daughter to promote her "modeling" career. Here's a sample shot from that site.

Maybe she can get some horror movie work. Face's mom said that the site has gained a lot of popularity, and she has added a section where people can leave comments. Unfortunately (for me), the comments are only sent to Face's mom and can't be viewed, publicly. However, that doesn't stop anonymous commenters from being negative.

Face's mom doesn't care, though. Or so she says.

Face's (and her mom's) competition was 4-year-old Taralyn.

She sucks at lying.

Her mother goes all out for her, but her results are less than the "110%" she aims for. Case in point, the fake tan she got for Taralyn, that made her look like she had vitiligo.

And the fake teeth ("flippers") she got her that somehow made her look like she can't read.

Oh, wait, she's four. She actually can't read. It's hard to remember that these kids aren't adults, they just play ones on the weekends in Ramada conference rooms.

But despite her beauty malfunctions and this little fuck up...

...Taralyn won the top title!






The shape of her crown suggests that one could easily drape a sheet over her and cut out some eye holes.



Grand Supreme Wizard, Little Miss division.

When I was looking for pictures of KKK robes, I found this:

It would seem that putting children in ridiculous costumes and making them do shit they don't want to do is somewhat of a tradition for some Southerners.

The name of this show should really be this:

The little girl in the screen grab who's saying what we're all thinking is Roni. She's "almost" 3 years old.

But really, when it comes down to it, whether she's almost 3 or still 2, her permanent French tips are absolutely, ridiculously age inappropriate.

She's competing in the Stars of Pennsylvania pageant, which was repeatedly described as "high glitz." I'm glad it was though, because you never would have known it, by looking at the stage.

Seriously, it makes the Chitlin Strut pageant look like Miss Universe. If they're going to go through all the trouble of whoring up humans who haven't yet learned to control their bowels, why did the stage look only slightly better than a dirty diaper?

Anyway, this is Roni's mom Stephanie.

She's a single parent, and she can't really afford pageants, so her mother offered her some financial support.

She told Stephanie that she would either pay for pageants, or pay Stephanie's rent. Stephanie chose for her to pay for pageants, and then moved in with her mom anyway.

Stephanie's mom said, "We're very proud of Stephanie. At one point she lived outside the home." And that automatically conjures up an image of a rabid Stephanie, changed to a pole in the yard. She's finally housebroken! For providing this daymare, Stephanie's mom lives up to the claim on her T-shirt, as she indeed, rocks.

Roni is so Christina Crawford.

And a little bit Christina Aguilera, too.

This might contribute to her feisty spirit that causes spontaneous breast slapping.

OK, Lunchtime Poll: Which of these is the most terrifying?
A.) Disembodied head

B.) Baby doll with no eyeballs

C.) Butt glue

D.) Possessed child

When I saw this 13-year-old pageant boy's hobbies slowly appear in the subtitles I could help but finish it up, Edie Beale style.

Roni ended up taking home the top title of Grand Supreme.

Which can probably be attributed to this advice Stephanie gave to her two-year-old.

Givhan is a fan of reality TV, but makes a distinction between "high-class" ones and the rest of them. But the line between them, she feels, is becoming blurred. And while I agree that some shows are better than most, I wouldn't exactly say they're "high class." They just have better concepts/casts/editors. Also, our opinions on what shows are "better" than others—and what makes them so—differs.

Frankly I think that shows like American Idol, Top Chef, and Project Runway—all of which Givhan champions—are the biggest offenders when it comes to being afflicted by hubris. These shows actually reference their own "integrity." The fact that they believe that they have any is laughable. I mean, modest success aside, has any winner from Project Runway ever gone on to have their clothes on the cover of Vogue? Has any American Idol winner actually ever achieved idol status in a Madonna/Britney/Mariah sense? Has any Top Chef winner ever been the top chef in America? Let me put it to you this way: In 50 years, will we see anything of these people in the Smithsonian that doesn't involve a display of their respective shows? The titles that they win are about as authentic as the hair dangling from beneath Bret Michaels' bandanna.

That said, I like that Givhan is an unabashed reality TV fan, because I hate when people get all uppity about the genre, particularly when it comes to shows like Rock of Love or Bad Girls Club. Remarks about how such shows are an indication of our society's decline, or "How can anyone watch this crap?" confuse me, because you'd think people who believe they are above that kind of programming would at least be grateful that it exists, as it provides solid evidence in proving their superiority. People can't pretend that they don't like seeing other people act like idiots. Schadenfreude is more real than reality TV itself.

Besides, not only is it id on TV, it's id on our couches, which is probably the healthiest, most cathartic way to deal with our pleasure principle. It provides a forum in which we can laugh at others' misfortune and embarrassment, and be jerks in the privacy of our own homes, without having to be assholes for real.

If anything, I love shows like RoL and Toddlers & Tiaras, as it provides a peek into human behavior I don't encounter in my everyday life. And while Givhan doesn't want to see "paternity testing, toothless protagonists and scenes during which more than 50 percent of the dialogue has to be censored," I live for that shit, because it shows a side of humanity that might not be pleasant, but certainly exists. When it comes to reality, I like it — genital warts and all.

A Wrong Turn On TV's Escape Route [Washington Post]
Earlier: 20 Best Reality TV Show Moments Of 2008

Last night was the Chitlin Strut beauty pageant, which, as one coordinator pointed out, was created "to bring us together to celebrate chitlins. A chitlin is a three yard-long small intestine of a hog."

The thing is, after a few weeks of watching kids who can't wipe their own butts wear false lashes and body glitter, I felt disappointed at how homespun this pageant was. It wasn't nearly "glitz" enough for my tastes, and it was held in a gymnasium instead of a conference center of an airport hotel. The didn't even raise the basketball net.

There was a disconnected stove in the dressing room. That is decidedly not fashion or function.

I know that I point out the ridiculousness of child beauty pageants, but reducing the trashiness didn't make it any more respectable. It just made it boring.

Not all trashiness was lost, though. Case in point: Clear heels.

This is Madison.

Her mother critiqued how her 11-year-old daughter was walking in her heels, saying, "First of all you don't want to look like a working girl, and you don't want to look like you don't know what you're walking in." Ironically, the only thing that made Madison look like a "working girl" was the fact that she was wearing clear heels, because "working girls" are the only women who wear them, apart from strippers and Linda and Brooke Hogan.

Madison's mom made her vacuum in her clear heels to get her acclimated to them.

Madison won the Chitlin Strut the previous year - by default. (She was the only girl in her age category.) This time around, she would have to compete against three other girls.

My heart kind of ached for her. First of all, her mom talked about how she's "larger." This was obvious when she was placed on stage next to the other girls, but it must've sucked to hear your mom say that about you, considering current society, and on television no less.

She's on the verge of pubing, which is typically a painfully awkward time. Having to parade around on stage with girls a year younger who haven't entered that period yet must've been soul crushing.

And this prolonged camera angle filming Madison's reaction as she came in last place, was particularly harsh.

Madison's mom was so upset that she cried. She said that it was a shame, because Madison has so much personality. But it's like, lady, if you didn't want people to judge your daughter based on her looks, then don't enter her into a fucking beauty pageant.

Her mom said that they would most definitely be entering more beauty pageants.

If that's true, as Madison ages, she going to have to compete with powerhouses like 10-year-old Aubrey [pictured right], who swept her and Madison's age category. It looked like they were stuffing dollars down her dress, she had so many sashes. She, too, was in clear heels.

The other contestant that this episode followed was 7-year-old Allie. But she was boring.

Her grandmother, however, was the best part of this whole episode.

She literally lives for this shit.

The girl featured in the clip above is Karlee, who takes great pride in being a "girlie girl."



She's a typical pageant robot, in that she's been programmed by her mother on what to say and how to walk, except that she doesn't do either of these things as convincingly as other humans. However, she comes alive when she taps into her, um, flirty side. (Actually, "sexual" is a more accurate adjective than "flirty," but I don't want to come off as inappropriately as she does, considering she's seven.)

For example, she says, "I want to be a cheerleader, because I like to show my belly. That's what they do."

She also stares at herself in the mirror, doing "flirty" poses, saying "I look goooooood."

That, coupled with this evidence from her talent performance, indicates that she'll probably do well, socially, at a school with a Greek system. She's gonna kick ass at keg stands.

She argued with her mother to be allowed to throw some "flirty" moves into her swimsuit competition walk, even though the judges didn't want the kids to be flirty during the swimsuit portion. (Eyelashes, fake tans, hairpieces, and fake teeth were cool with them, though.)

In Karlee's case, it's definitely age inappropriate, but it turns out that it's just as unsettling in grown women as well.

Basically Karlee's hyper "flirty" behavior made me (and probably this carpet) very uncomfortable.

It also makes Karlee's 12-year-old sister uncomfortable. According to Karlee, her sister, ""is not a girlie girl. She doesn't like wearing makeup or dresses or none of that stuff." She plays softball.

Karlee's mom also talked about her older daughter's enthusiasm for softball, saying, "She loves softball. She lives and breathes it." And she made this face while saying it.

Speaking of softball…

For the second week in a row on this show, there were lesbian pageant moms. Unlike the last couple, who publicly referred to one mom as an "aunt," these two are out , proud and married.

They have three little girls, two of whom - Brionna, 4, and Aja, 6 - were competing in pageants for the first time, because, as one of their moms said, ""I feel like little girls should live a glamorous life and be as prissy as they can. I always wanted that for myself."

The family has a limited income and couldn't spend the typical $2,000 for a dress, and whatever else for lessons and whatnot, but they did have a secret weapon: A gay man in need of a hobby.

PJ is Brionna and Aja's moms' friend and designed and made their outfits for a fraction of the cost. He did an awesome job, too!

He also provided valuable advice.

Aja and Brionna aren't entering the pageant circle to showcase their flirty skills. Instead, they want money to purchase cell phones. As Aja explains…

Pageant kids…they're just like us! Except with more makeup.

Guess who was back as a judge for this pageant. Mr. Creepy Questionable Intentions.

In this episode, we actually got the backstory on how he came to be a child beauty pageant judge.
"I was sitting in a mall outside of an office supply store and I was dressed up in a suit. Annette just came up to me out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to be a judge because I guess I just looked professional to her. [Snort]"

The fact that the screening process to find adults to judge little girls based on their looks is exactly the opposite of how we teach children to not talk to strangers, is troubling. And it made me hate Annette, the pageant coordinator.

And that was even before she said the following:
"Beauty is an advantage. You have to be beautiful to get a job. You have to be extra thin to get in Hollywood. Now it shouldn't be that way. Society has made it that way."

Later she said, "Weight does play an issue. I think if the judges were looking at one or the other, they might go toward the smaller contestant."

She was referring to 5-year-old Bella.

Bella's mom acknowledged her daughter's larger frame, saying, "On the weight factor, because we're so young at this point, we haven't really experienced that to be a negative thing yet."

And she was right! Annette can frig off, because Bella won the second highest title in the entire pageant, out of all the age groups.

Tune in tonight for the latest episode.

This particular pageant was "conservative," and more about "natural" girls than "glitz" girls. There was still a swimwear portion, and an evening gown portion. The only real difference seemed to be the absence of false eyelashes. The episode focused on three contestants:

Kayleigh, 6

Story, 5

And Marleigh, 2

Kayleigh is a "natural" pageant girl, and she doesn't wear any makeup. She has two moms.
This lady:



And this lady:



More accurately:



She kept referring to her as "our" kid. Case in point, "Because we didn't do pageants, I didn't think any of our kids would."

Story is a pro. She was born for this, since that's the only explanation as to why her mother gave her such a name. She's "glitz," and she knows what she's doing, even though she admits that she doesn't "like smiling too much." She's won tons of crowns, sashes and trophies, the latter of which she plays with like they're Barbies. This scene showed her in the act, saying, "Hey sister, do you wanna have some cookies?"



If it's anything like the way me and my friends played Barbies, "cookies" means "sex." These two know all about that scenario.






Story's older brother is involved in her training, and scores her rehearsals in his poetically titled, "Story Report."



Unlike his attitude toward correct spelling, he takes these sessions very seriously. "She looked like she was actually real mad. That's what I wrote down on 'beauty.' And she was looking at the board. I know that. She was looking at the board."

Marleigh (from the clip above) is a different story. (Ha, "story.")



Her mother, though eternally optimistic, is in complete denial about her daughter's enthusiasm for this.



Still, she puts a lot of effort into her 2-year-old's success, and even gives her DIY fake tans.



She also involves the family pet in her torture methods primping, in a desperate attempt to normalize the process for Marleigh. Like, "See, don't you want to be pretty like a dog, Marleigh?"



This method of conditioning is flawed, though, as it appears that Marleigh doesn't just want to look like a glitz dog, she wants to behave like one, too.



Her mom kept saying things during Marleigh's perpetual tantrum like, "She really turns it on when she gets on the stage." Which just seemed ridiculous as the child was sobbing as her name was being called.



But it turns out her mom was totally right. The minute she stepped into the light she started laughing and charming the crowd.






Story, on the other hand, moves like an android who was programmed to swing her arms while walking just like humans do.



I think they sell her in Japan.



If you get two, you can make them have some cookies.

So the main thing here was Glitz vs. Natural. There were no specific rules for the pageant, so there were examples of both. As ethically superior as Kayleigh's two moms felt they were by not putting makeup on their daughter, they still strong-armed her into wearing uncomfortable, expensive gowns like any other Glitz family, despite her protests.









See, moms, this is what you get when you raise your 6-year-old to trade in makeup for sensible shoes. She starts valuing function and thinking for herself, attitudes that are detrimental in the pageant world.

In the end, 2-year-old Marleigh only got 2nd runner up. There were only three contestants in her age group.

And Story beat out Kayleigh for the crown in their age division.

OR DID SHE?

There was a mistake with the scoring, so they actually bothered to dethrone a 5-year-old, and hold a re-crowning ceremony that only Kayleigh's family attended.






There was frost on the ground, but a jacket would've covered up her "natural" look.

This guy, featured in the clip, was obviously my favorite.



He's a "Pageant Dad," per his hat.



He's the father of 2-year-old Ava, who was easily the cutest kid on the show. She was the only one who looked genuinely psyched to be on stage. I felt the family's pain when she didn't win any of the cash prizes, because clearly she was robbed. Like he said, she's two and she did a fucking back flip in her talent.

In this particular pageant, the moms also got to compete in the age category of 25-47. This lady, who has a 6-year-old daughter, entered. In this clip, she explains that this is a one-piece costume. She did not win.

This was her competition. You'd think that a bunch of women who make it a habit to glue eyelashes to their babies' faces and extensions to their heads would be a bit more discerning about their own outfits and accessories for a beauty competition. You know that they'd never let their kids get on stage in something like this.

I'm kind of obsessed with the notion of kiddie pageants, and find any kind of documentary or TV show that features them to be endlessly entertaining. Part of this, I believe, is that I kind of take a sick pleasure in being made uncomfortable. There were lots of things about this show that made me uncomfortable, hence, lots of things I loved about it. For example, this:

And this:

And this:

And this shifty-eyed judge, who seemed to be concerned that the camera might catch him enjoying what he sees a little too much.









Plus, the fact that he masturbates with the backs of his hands adds to his creepy quotient.

Another thing? This mother was gluing permanent French tips to this child's toes.



Which made them look like bear claws.



But it seems like the mom knew what she was doing because her daughter swept up all the awards in her age group, much to the displeasure of the little girl on the right.






Bear Claws also took home the grand prize of $5000.



Her mother promised her that she could go to the snake farm (whatever that is) if she won. Good thing she's properly equipped with some animalistic defense mechanisms.