Car repair? That's for boys. That look on his face says: "I'm thinking about overcharging you."

Cooking and cleaning? That's for girls. The young lady on the left might also be discovering that a frying pan can double as a weapon, but that's for advanced users.

Grilling? That's for boys. Even though cooking on a stove is for girls, if you cook with fire, you're following our ancestor, Homo Erectus. Early Man, not Early Woman!

Playing with your food is something both girls and boys can do; although only girls work at McDonald's.

Related: When I was four, I loved McDonald's intensely and thought it was a burger and shake heaven on earth. So when a teacher asked me — the only black kid in my pre-k class — what I wanted to do when I grew up, I said "work at McDonald's." My mom witnessed this interaction and, I think, almost died of disappointment.

Being a pretty princess, wearing make-up and jewelry? That's for girls.

And just because you're a princess doesn't mean you shouldn't bake, make toast or blend a smoothie. Duh. That's what girls do.

A plush pet condo, for girls ages 2 and up. Because it's never too early to be a crazy cat lady!

Something all girls look forward to: Graduating from a baking princess to a Queen Of Clean. Maybe someday she'll be in one of those sad mop commercials Sarah Haskins is always making fun of.

Don't tell Danica Patrick, but car racing is for boys. Falling in love is for girls.

Sports are for boys.

Except soccer. Girls can play soccer. And whatever that other thing is.

OMG progress: Girls can be doctors! Or star in primetime medical dramas!

But boys can be paleontologists, truckers, law enforcement officials or doctors.

Lilly's Kids [Official Site]

Earlier: All previous catalog posts

Fred is really fashion-forward this season, with metallics and retro-looking bra and panty sets. (We're ignoring that lace monstrosity inset, mmkay?

So much silver! Pretty classy, considering.

The color here is called "Moonbeam." Heh. Moon. We haven't even gotten to the ass-centric part yet.

This would be a good outfit to wash dishes or pay bills in. I mean, it's going to lift your spirits! And your tits.

Has it ever occurred to you that "babydoll" is kind of a weird word to use when talking about lingerie? Empire waists and fluttery, ruffled chemises are fun, but let's leave Lolita, Baby Spice, Caroll Baker and other thoughts of sexualization of children out of it.

Am I turning into a prude? The more see-through it is, the less I like it.

Wait! I think I can get behind that flirty half-slip on the far right. Heh. Get behind.

If you're going to be riding in a one-horse open sleigh, you're going to need a bit more coverage. Especially with H, the teddy on the bottom left. A person could get frostbite in places you really don't want frostbite.

Mean Girls flashbacks, anyone? I enjoyed KG and the Power of 3.

Dear Santa,
If someone brings me a maribou-nipple thingie with "Jingle Bell Crotchless Boy Shorts," I will be sad…

…And I don't want a bow on my business, either.
Love,
Me.

Re: That woman on the far left. You'd be laughing, too, if you had a Fraggle in your cleavage.

This panty supposedly has a "low back." But isn't it so much more than that? Seems like you could go to the doctor's office and get a Malaria shot without even taking your undies off.

Here we go: Butt bows, butt laces, butt butterflies.

And! Special for 2009! Limited Edition! Rhinestones! In your butt!

No, really: Right up in there. Ouch.

Still, I can't hate on this catalog, because they carry plus sizes, some of the bras are quite lovely, and the retro -ish stuff is actually pretty! And some bras come in sizes up to 42F.

Just stay away from the cheeky crack charms. You'd better watch out. You'd better not try.

Earlier: Frederick's Of Hollywood's Marketing Techniques Haven't Changed Much In 45 Years
Frederick's Of Hollywood Has A Heart-On For Valentine's Day
Frederick's Of Hollywood: Not As Slutty As You Might Think! (But Still Pretty Slutty)

Click here for all previous catalog posts.

While Scientology has been going through tough times lately — a French court convicted the church of fraud and Oscar-winning filmmaker Paul Haggis resigned publicly — spokesperson Tommy Davis says the church is flourishing: assets and property holdings have doubled over the past five years. Is some of that cash from the catalog sales? Maybe!

Before you open the catalog, there's the cover picture — a snowy scene captured by world-renowned photographer L. Ron Hubbard. Or, as he was called by a former coworker, Enron Hubbard.

Inside, there's a picture of — and a letter from — Mr. Hubbard. The message reads: "Mankind's salvation lies within our hands. A very Merry Christmas to you all and a bright friendly new year." Has Hubbard been dead since 1986? Yes. But his message, about being a "help" to others, lives on!

Hubbard's hideous curtains also live on. Related: It's so disappointing that L. Ron didn't have the alien ornament from Bronner's. We don't know what Xenu actually looks like, but we doubt he has a goatee, like the BBC depicted him.

What do you give the man who has everything? The leatherbound edition of the 18 "Basics Books." According to the copy, "Each volume is bound in Nigerian goatskin" and "printed on 100% cotton paper." Oh, and: "The Basics was created to fuel the next phase of our planetary crusade." In case you weren't aware.

UPDATE: Curiosity got the best of me and I just called to ask how much the set of 18 leatherbound books costs. The answer?? $2,000.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

If leatherbound is too fancy for you, just go for a $25 hardback. Or get four lectures, on CD. The description reads: "Containing discoveries heralded as greater than the wheel or fire, Dianetics has remained a bestseller for more than 50 years." Greater than the wheel! Greater than fire! And easily gift-wrapped.

For $85, you can get the book and lectures for Science Of Survival. The copy reads: "Dianetics revealed the previously unknown reactive mind that enslaves Man and the auditing procedures to get rid of it. But that was only Plan A. As Ron deliniated in the closing chapter, Plan B was to embrace further research into life force. And here it is, Science Of Survival, with the discovery of Theta and how it interacts with the physical universe of matter, energy, space and time, MEST." MEST is not to be confused with EST or The Forum, which, like Scientology, was called a cult.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

"76 million years of glare fights, implants, between lives, exploding facsimiles, entities, blanketings, volcanoes and theta traps… revealed." Can someone translate? Oh wait — it says "not for the fainthearted." And: "Here is the unvarnished truth of the past and how beings came to be 'human.'" That cro mag in the illustration is munching on the thigh of an infidel!

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

Everything you need to know about theta! For the low, low price of $150. Learn about the technology that bridges 8-80 to 8-8008. And discover the "shift in orientation in life from MEST to Theta." Tom Cruise knows this stuff backwards and forwards.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

Raise your hand if you think the Handbook For Preclears artwork is creepy!

Actually, maybe some people you know posed for this cover: John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Lisa Marie Presley, Nancy Cartwright, Jason Lee, Danny Masterson? Juliette Lewis is already clear.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

Are you taking notes? "Chaos=MEST. Order= Life." And what do eighteen-foot tomato plants and cucumbers the size of watermelons have to do with anything? For $110 you can find out! Hint: "It's also the answer to broad scale clearing… of entire nations."

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

What makes the Clearsound™ "listening system" so special? As in: Why does it cost $400? It appears to be a Sony portable CD player, headphones and a mini-amp. The player pictured is about $55. That must be one fancy carrying case.

Don't you enjoy how the "Ultimate Collection" sits nestled in the snowy, rocky mountains? Either Legolas is going to come scampering by, or someone is going to start singing "Edelweiss."

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

Ron's book about marriage sounds super romantic.

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Did you know Hubbard was so prolific? There are 49 "classic" lectures listed, all with ideas about "solutions to the dangerous environment"; "datum that can transform apathy to enthusiasm" and the mystery of the human soul.

You are not serious about Scientology unless you have your own E-Meter. Not just any E-Meter, but the "Hubbard Mark Super VII Quantum E-Meter." A bargain at $4,650 — or $5,500 for the Planetary Dissemination Edition.

See, the meters come in colors: FSO red; teal; black; midnight blue; white… and Planetary Dissemination Blue.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

Last, but not least: Jewelry! You know you want a large gold Clear Bracelet with diamonds ($3,200), or a gold OT (operating Thetan) ring ($350). Oh — don't get your hopes up:

The Clear Bracelet is only for Clears.

Defections, Court Fights Test Scientology [AP]

Earlier:
The French Are Not Buying This Scientology Thing
11 New Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's
Related: All previous catalog posts

Tender meat… bulging and exploding with a surprise inside. All you have to do is put it in your mouth.



Juicy, sticky, sweet and warm.

Would you like to nibble a lean little hunk? Or get your hands on something fleshy and chunky? Ooh, naughty: You want both at the same time, don't you.



Opened wide. Ready, willing. Waiting.

Or do you like it raw? Glistening and pink?

What a tease… Encouraging you to finger those folds.

Put your tongue inside, where it's moist and delicious.

Oozing. Just for you. You know you want it.

Biting is allowed… encouraged.

Can't you feel your heart race? It's dripping and luscious, waiting to be penetrated. [Ugh, Dodai, I'm blushing. -Ed.]

Mackenzie Ltd [Official Site]

Earlier: The Naked Chef: Pfaelzer Brothers Peddle Hot Food Porn

In addition, the tagline, "Traveling the world to find uncommonly good stuff," sounds like what Anthropologie is trying to do.

But what's fun is trying to guess what's being offered just by the elaborate accompanying story. A few pitches — and what's actually for sale, below.

The pitch:
"Enter the new woman: rebellious, out there, living life on her own terns… Feels like a whisper in silky crinkly georgette. Which could be the only thing about it that whispers.."

What it is:
A $698 flapper-esque dress.

The pitch:
"A symbol of your Independence… There's a movement in this country. You know who they are. The Pleasure Deniers. They take classes in self-improvement. Can break down the properties in tofu. Don't want you having any fun either."

What it is:
A velvet blazer.

The pitch:
"The ruffles have their own choreography."


What it is:
A silk collar.

The pitch:
"Alexandra the Great annexes the top floor of the Cristallo Palace Hotel, prompting Hans-Rudi to cancel a week's worth of ski lessons.
Counts Fico and Obomovski feign playing backgammon in the lobby. The grocer at the cooperativo has no blood oranges for his regulars; you-know-who insists they make the best mimosas…"

What it is:
A turtleneck dress.

The pitch:
"Leave your fingers free to pluck your cherry from your Amoretto[sic] Cherry Sour. Text. Answer email."

What it is:
A pair of fingerless gloves.

The pitch:
"She was part black. She was part Irish. They called her Bricktop, because of her flaming red hair… The in crowd came to hear her sing, and they came to be seen."

What it is:
A lace dress.

The pitch:
"There was a time when gorgeous, lanky Josephine baker, a shocking black American living in Paris would walk nude (except for a few bananas) across the stage and shock and audience that came just for the purpose of being shocked. She was seen later walking the boulevards with a cheetah on a leash… There was jazz in the clubs, in the streets, in the air…"

What it is:
Marcasite jewelry.

The pitch:
"You have just entered the room in the nick (or St. Nick) of time. With a fire of your own… You've brought the famous gypsy guitar version of Jingle Bell Rock with you. Why is everyone suddenly dancing?"

What it is:
A red blouse.

The pitch:
"Yves Montand eyeing Jeanne Moreau across a crowded room. Middleweight champion Marcel Cerdan noticing a not so reticent Edith Piaf for the first time."

What it is:
A choker.

The pitch:
"The Jazz Age in Paris. Black expatriate musicians where playing the kind of music nobody ever heard. Sorry you missed it, but if you come with me to the streets of Monmartre, I can give you a taste."

What it is:
A velvet jacket with a Peter Pan collar.

The pitch:
"She discovered Paris at the height of La Belle Epoque… She was wearing this just as Van Gogh was leaving. He decided to stay."

What it is:
A V-neck blouse.

The pitch:
"True, the French, and it's in history books, colonized South East Asia and it became known as French Indochina in 1887/ And left behind, until they were kicked out, croissants, French architecture, Latin replacing Chinese and religious converts. However, in looking at this remarkable [redacted], it is almost impossible to determine who exactly conquered whom?"

What it is:
A mandarin collar dress. (In "sunset orange with black, grey, white and pink… the colors of a Cambodian sunset.")

What we learned today:
Retro Paris is better; black people are cool.

Earlier: Translating The J. Peterman Catalog

Previous catalog posts

In the past I have enjoyed shopping from Delia's, but this plaid trend just won't work for me. I'm a city slicker, not a lumberjack! And besides: I did it in the '90s. I'm too old to play this time around. Welcome to My So Called Life, okay?!?! Anyway: The plaid. There's lots of it.

Don't let the puppies fool you! We're not here to look at doggies. We're here to witness a plaid phenomenon.

Will you look at all the colors?!?! Now, as we mentioned in August, buffalo check was declared "impossible to miss" on the runways in 2008. Welcome to 2009: We're drowning in it!

If a shirt isn't special enough for you, try a cardigan!

If a cardiagan's not right for you, try a plaid scarf — with a bright coat!

If a bright coat doesn't do it for you, go ahead and get a plaid coat. Or a check coat.

Do it now! Limited time!

Don't like toggle closures? They've got buttons. JUST BUY SOME PLAID.

Or check! Don't you want white buffalo check, just like the Ralph Lauren runways? (Last year.)

Whatever you do, don't forget you need something plaid! It's imperative!

How about a dress?

Or you could just get a bag!

Plaid shoes. Shoes! This is what it's come to. Wake me up when we get to polka dots.

Earlier: Urban Outfitters: Everything Old Is Fug Again
Entertainment Earth: Where Your Fangirl Dreams Come True
Halloween At Dean & Deluca: The Trick Is Being Able To Afford The Treats
11 New Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's
October At J. Crew: Pretty, Preppy, Preposterous
Free People: Winning Us Over With Cute, Cuddly Critters
Anthropologie: Sartorialist-ic "Real" People Impossibly Pretty, Well-Dressed
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes

Beverly Hills Cop came out in 1984, and Eddie Murphy saw white people wearing red Thriller jackets and laughed and laughed and laughed. At the time, I wanted one so badly. Fast forward about seven or eight years, and the country was in the grips of a leather motorcycle jacket frenzy. This picture of Carré Otis astride a hog was hung up in my little sister's room, and we both dreamed of the perfect motorcycle jacket. I eventually bought one — already broken in — off of my Ramones-loving friend Chris, who hated that they'd become mainstream. My sister's came from Bloomingdale's, I think. Later she'd become an cruelty-free fabric wearing vegetarian veterinarian. But I suspect we both would have wanted this peach version. At the time.

I had pants similar to this in 1982 or 1983; but they were black and had stirrups. I wore them to Mitchell's bar mitzvah with a cummerbund and a black dress shirt pinned at the throat with a large rhinestone brooch.

This is similar to the outfit I wore in the car on my way to see Lollapalooza in 1992. The Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam and Ice Cube were on the main stage; but Cypress Hill was on the side stage! This isn't what I wore to the show, of course: I changed into a poet's blouse with velvet choker. Duh.

The shoes are not blasts from the past, but they are fug.

My favorite pleated jeans were actually shorts, which were sometimes worn with backwards suspenders. I cringe now. Terrible choices were made.

His initials were A.T. He had those wounded eyes obligatory for misunderstood and maladjusted high school boys. I was into George Michael and Taylor Dayne; he was into to Zeppelin. We exchanged lingering glances in homeroom. He sat in front of me in math, reeking of weed. I stared at the back of his head, willing him to turn around, and, at the same time, hoping he wouldn't. He wore this — or something like it — every damn day.

His best friend C.T. wore this.

Floral dresses, worn with chunky, mannish shoes — or Doc Martens — were a Big Thing. Part of me remembers the comfort; part of me thinks some things are best left in the past.

WAIT. Polaroid is making a comeback? That's a blast from the past I can get behind.

Polaroid Film Is Coming Back [Boston Globe]

Earlier: Entertainment Earth: Where Your Fangirl Dreams Come True
Halloween At Dean & Deluca: The Trick Is Being Able To Afford The Treats
11 New Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's
October At J. Crew: Pretty, Preppy, Preposterous
Free People: Winning Us Over With Cute, Cuddly Critters
Anthropologie: Sartorialist-ic "Real" People Impossibly Pretty, Well-Dressed
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes

A remote-controlled zombie with a brain-shaped remote makes quite the stocking stuffer.

So many winners on this page, but the golden fertility idol pen holder and the Lost Ark bank are the ones that really caught my eye. The legless Short Round statue is terrifying, and the Delorean is cool, but not super useful.

Ooh — sure to be a hot toy come Christmastime! They made the doll of Tiana from The Princess And The Frog super pretty. The plush frogs are cute too, and there must be someone you know who's dying for a Slimer bank?

Attention Twihards! You can choose from THREE different kinds of Sparkle Vamp. There's the Byronic effete version; the über-pale Barbie version and the "very detailed" sick of Hollywood bullshit model. ZOMGSPARKLEVAMP4EVA! Question: Where is my Buff Werewolf? Team Jacob has been robbed.

In case you didn't believe that Robert Pattinson's glare had been recreated: Believe.

Prefer wizards to sparkle vamps? Draco Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange dolls should satisfy you.

Ben Linus bobblehead: Creeptastic!

Remember when Strawberry Shortcake got a makeover? This is what she looks like now. Shed a tear for your destroyed childhood.

Can we just pretend we didn't see the pages of busty Anime girls with removable clothing? No? Dammit.

When I say I need an R2D2 USB hub, I mean now.

Question: Is the Heidi Klum Barbie supposed to look like Heidi Klum? Because it doesn't. (The legs. So thin. I cry.)

Question: If you purchase a zombie oil painting, have you made an intelligent art-buying decision? As in, the kind that takes BRAINS?

Question: Can you believe that there is a Twilight flash drive — complete with Cullen family crest — and it's actually pretty cool? (ZOMG WHAT AM I SAYING? I HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED BY THE SPARKLE VAMP)

Question: May I please have life-size versions of the Jonathan Adler Barbie dress — AND LAMP — for my wardrobe and bedroom?

Earlier: Entertainment Earth: Weird Gifts For The Freaks & Geeks On Your List

I love love love the Mexican sugar skulls on the cover, but they are $30 for 3. And they're inedible.

The "Devil Chocolates" sound interesting: They are "sinful" dark chocolate filled with spicy apricot. When it comes to fruit and chocolate, for me, it's hit and miss: Strawberries, yes; raspberries, no. But apricot I haven't tried.

The chocolate skulls — some with edible silver — are my favorite thing on this page, though the marzipan figurines on the bottom are adorable. Not that I like marzipan.

Vampire cookies for the Twihard in your life! As for the jack o' lantern cake, it's milk chocolate cake layered with "lush chocolate cream filling, frosed with rich vanilla buttercream and wrapped in orange-tinted white chocolate." Oh, the picket fence and cat are chocolate, too. Lots of detail, maybe that's why it's $140.

Pumpkin cheesecake with graham cracker crust? Yes please. Throw in some chocolate covered caramel apples, as well.

I've never heard of Cream-nuts before, but since they are peanut butter blended with white chocolate, mixed with chopped pecans and then "enrobed" in milk or dark chocolate, they might be my new favorite candy.

The cupcake giftbox sounds ridiculously awesome, since it has spicy pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream frosting; chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and Madagascar bourbon vanilla cupcakes with vanilla buttercream frosting. But nine for $55? Truly frightening. I think I'd rather have the Trick or Treat bag with 40 bucks worth of candy.

Wait a minute: when deciding between cupcakes and candy, there's no need to choose! Long live cupcake candy.

Lastly a pumpkin cake "almost too pretty to cut." Vanilla spice cake layered with praline buttercream and chocolate fudge — under a white chocolate shell. Guaranteed to force you to reset your New Year's resolutions.

Dean & Decluca [Official Site]

Earlier: Halloween In 2-D Looks Frighteningly Delicious
Harry, David, Dean & Deluca: Chocolate Pagan Easter Symbols And $6,000 Caviar
Williams-Sonoma: A Pre-Thanksgiving Feast For The Eyes
The Naked Chef: Pfaelzer Brothers Peddle Hot Food Porn

Let's just say you're a kid, learning about religion, what B.C. means, and the birth of the baby Jesus and stuff. And maybe you learn that Santa Claus is based on Saint Nicolas and Kris Kringle, and that the modern image of Santa — as a jolly man in red — first became popular in 1881. Does Santa leaning over the baby Jesus in a manger make sense to you?

Nothing says "Christmastime" or "Winter Wonderland" like a disembodied alien head. O come all ye faithful!

This is when you know your love of TV has gone a tad too far. Surgically remove yourself from the couch and go outside.

We've previously discussed the pizza and the Coke cans: I'll admit that N. — the Coca-Cola cup — is pretty cool. I have no problem with the mushroom, since they do grow on trees, but the tomato? No comprende.

Everyone knows that when he's not passing out toys for girls and boys, Santa lives below a rainbow outside of Dublin, guarding his pot of gold.

Certain foods seem right for Christmas: Gingerbread, sugar cookies… fortune cookies, SUSHI. Who doesn't want fake raw fish rolls? On a tree? Man, this stuff is so weird, it's enough to drive you to drink.

Luckily, they've got booze, too! Now if they'd just make a gin and tonic ornament…

Earlier: 9 Really Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's
9 More Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's

October At J. Crew: Pretty, Preppy, Preposterous
Free People: Winning Us Over With Cute, Cuddly Critters
Urban Outfitters: Does This Make My Ass Look Wack?
Related: All "Today In Catalogs" posts

Here's the thing about mohair, which is a fancy name for goat yarn: It looks pretty; it feels warm. And, quite often, it sheds all over the damn place. So if you want to look like you own a small Misty Lavender cat, then, by all means: Get this adorable sweater.

My growing Concern about the General Direction Of Pants: Heightened by these, which, the fine print informs me, are not actually baggy trousers: "Model is wearing two sizes up for a looser fit," reads the text. Since J. Crew does not carry two sizes up from my size, how am I supposed to get this look?!?!

The styling here is adorable, even though it's a little over the top. A bow tie with a plaid shirt AND a cascade of glitzy necklaces? In the immortal words of Amy Poehler, Really?

I think this wool coat with ribbon-y detailing is charming, but I really like the "stretch toothpick jean in midnight wash," for a crisp, work-appropriate pair of jeans.

A recent graduate of the School Of Trying Too Hard. It's fun to see whimsical, unexpected pairings, but that dress? Layered that way? With those socks? It's not right. Not right, I tell you! The model doesn't look terrible, but anyone else is going to look like a batty kindergarten art teacher who's been inhaling too much paint.

Ugh. Jenna's picks. It's taken me a long time to realize this, but: I hate Jenna's taste. She tends to "pick" the things I like the least. That paisley shirt on the upper right? Number 13, the doo-doo brown bag? Soft pink Essie nail polish in a shade called "eternal optimist"? Barf. I like necklace number 12, though.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

That black t-shirt with the corsage detailing is pretty much my favorite thing in this catalog, and yeah, I'm one of those people who owns a zillion black t-shirts, but this one is different! I also wish I could dress like this: Half girly, half tomboy, totally comfortable. It never looks this easy on me.

Crap. I love it all. I love the $550 wool tweed coat; I love the stretch twill pants — ankle length is the new black!; I love the carbon gray cable-knit cardigan, and I adore T-strap heels. WANT. IT. ALL.

J. Crew always has pictures like this, pictures which say, "Our clothes are designed for, and look best on, women without giant, humongous racks like yours. Keep it moving, double dee."

The new ankle-length pants look amazing with ballet flats, but I have short, wide feet and can't ever seem to make ballet flats work, even though I wore them all the time when I was 16. I think the front of my foot is wider than the back, so my heel is always slipping out of flats like these. Any advice?!?!? Because I really really really really really want the silver ones.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

The Orion Gown. Breathtaking. $2800 and, since it's hand-embellished silk, you can sort of understand why. But are you really going to buy something for $2800 out of a catalog?

The men's section features artists! Ryan McGinness is awesome; I saw his Worlds Within Worlds show a few years ago was amazing and my graphic design friends love his book Flatness Is God.

Hi, I don't know who you are, but you're cute.

Ditto.

As I was scanning this catalog, I received an email from a reader which read:

I was more than a little surprised to see that they'd included Vito Acconci, best known for his 1971 performance piece, "Seedbed":

"In Seedbed Acconci lay hidden underneath a gallery-wide ramp installed at the Sonnabend Gallery, masturbating while vocalizing into a loudspeaker his fantasies about the visitors walking above him on the ramp. One motivation behind Seedbed was to involve the public in the work's production by creating a situation of reciprocal interchange between artist and viewer.

In 2008, in an interview with Brian Sherwin for Myartspace, Vito discussed Seedbed at length. Vito discussed the title Seedbed and the connection it had to the performance, stating, "I knew what my goal had to be: I had to produce seed, the space I was in should become a bed of seed, a field of seed – in order to produce seed, I had to masturbate – in order to masturbate, I had to excite myself."

Um, wow. I know J.Crew is departing from their traditionally preppy image, but this seems to be a strange inclusion for the catalog!

Hmm. Masterbation art? Maybe that's what the "secret wash" is for?

I don't know what she's singing about, and I don't know what she wants, but I'm honestly just about ready to buy it for her. And maybe she will lend me those socks?

This year's back to school trend: Preppy Annie-meets-Oliver! on the set of Newsies. But pastel. Adjust accordingly.

For crying out loud. The cute is killing me. Can I sue? Can my ovaries sue? Can my empty uterus sue? I've always kind of been the person who was like, oh kids. Those are for poor people and rich people. I'd rather spend my money on vacations to Tahiti and Japanese lessons. But I forgot how utterly adorable they could be. If only it were as easy as dialing J. Crew's 800 number and putting one on your MasterCard.

This young mademoiselle reminds me of Capucine. Remember the little French girl whose fantastical story went viral on video? Popotame for the win.

Somehow you get the feeling that her Twitter feed is better than yours.

Well this is awkward. That ensemble on the right — cardigan; ruffle-y blouse; straight jeans; metallic flats? I wore something like that on Monday.

Did she just call me a loser?

Starring in the film, television and stage versions of The New Adventures Of Eloise…

Voted most likely to be running a multi-media empire before the age of 18.

Is it just me? Don't you want one of these? No? Not even the winky one on the left?

If his sheer ladypart-exploding cherubic face doesn't do it for you, just think of the financial gain! Modeling is more profitable than playing Wii after school.

Well, he'll be here, waiting for you to make up your mind.

Earlier: Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes
Free People: Winning Us Over With Cute, Cuddly Critters
Anthropologie: Sartorialist-ic "Real" People Impossibly Pretty, Well-Dressed
Urban Outfitters: Does This Make My Ass Look Wack?

Check out the fierce feline's pose! The model? Meh. The kitten, seriously, should get signed by Ford. Almost enough to make you gloss right over the fact that the jacket is a whopping $528.

Admit it: You want a pink closet complete with seating and kittens. Okay, maybe you don't need the $25 legwarmers. But the kittens! Non-negotiable!

This moddle is all, "Hee hee, look at the feather, kitty!" And that cat has purr-fected the "bitch, plz" face.

Honey! Your $88 plaid shirt, $198 ripped jeans and $198 studded boots are scaring the widdle kitty!

Is it the headband, the open-crotch pose or the creepers that have shamed this pooch into turning her head away from the camera? All would be understandable reasons.

Not every page in the catalog has an animal on it, unfortunately, which means you're forced to contemplate whether anyone ever needs a solid brass plated rhodium necktie ($298).

Additionally, you've got to wonder if the this catalog is pushing "future Miss Havisham chic."

New motto: Less lace, more doggie face!

Seriously, though, are creepers coming back? I like 'em better on Teddy Boys and greasers, for what it's worth.

Also, when I think "desirable dress," I think "Joan Holloway," not "Julie Brown in Earth Girls Are Easy."

Hopefully this cute bitch got to eat some of that cake.

Earlier: Anthropologie: Sartorialist-ic "Real" People Impossibly Pretty, Well-Dressed
Urban Outfitters: Does This Make My Ass Look Wack?
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes

Here's the statement on the opening page of the catalog: For our August edition: We photographed what inspired us… Real people. Real places. You.

Not you, though. Someone thinner, with a better haircut and nicer bone structure. You understand.

The fluttering pencil skirt is lovely ($158) but doesn't actually come with the guy from Simply Red; the sweater vest thing on the right is mystifying and best left alone.

This cape ($148) is probably chic all by itself, but of course it looks chic when the damn Eiffel tower is in the background and she's got perfect bangs and there's an enfant peeping about. Merde.

Even if you think you like this "water & roses dress" ($148), the chances that you will be this cool are so incredibly slim it seems like folly to even think about trying to buy the frock; she has rocked it the way it deserves to be rocked and now it's over and done with and we'll all have to try and move on somehow.

And actually, that's the problem with this catalog. In addition to completely ripping off The Sartorialist (I actually emailed him just to make sure he didn't actually shoot these pictures; he confirmed that he did not), the use of "real people" wearing these clothes gives the impression that these people own these garments. Which makes you feel like, well, I can't wear that, that's hers. It's like trying to shop through someone's Facebook album. It feels wrong. The people look great, you just don't want to take their clothes from them!

That first series of shots were all from Paris; the next few are from New York. New continent, same thin, gorgeous, chic, citified aesthetic!

Here's one image in which you actually notice the clothes, because they are fug. Not talking about the chic cape in the background. Referring to the icky sleeves and the pukey pleats in the front and center. As the kids say: Vom.

Clockwise from top left: Ew, ew, pretty!, ew.

London, and that same $248 leather jacket we saw in New York. Plus! More "real" people who are just too freakin' attractive.

She's lovely. Hate the granny clothes, but she looks great.

Sick of the oh-so-slender, oh-so-muted, oh-so-artsy, oh-so-liberal-arts-school grad who now lives "downtown" look yet? Feel like any minute now, you may as well be listening to The Smiths or watching indie gem (500) Days Of Summer?

Zooey, is that you?

Earlier: Urban Outfitters: Does This Make My Ass Look Wack?
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes
May Anthropologie Catalog: Totally Watered Down

Because wack is stoopid, ridiculous and avoidable. Yet wack is persistent. I heard my friend's voice in my mind while paging through a recent Urban Outfitters catalog.

Does this make my ass look wack? Well, you've fallen prey to the Anti-Pants Agenda and you look like the lovechild of Lady Gaga and Eustace Tilley. So yes. Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Do you have a yeasty, medical need to air out your crotch like that? Do you work in a discothèque in Aladdin's palace? No? Then: Yes. Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? You were great in that one scene in A Passage To India, but stealing wardrobe from the set is a no-no. Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Are you an angel based on the hooker from Pretty Woman? Yes? Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Sorry, sweetie, all the sexyface in the world won't allow me to ignore the fact that you're wearing acid-wash looking jeans. You have a lovely figure. But… Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Let's see… Rebel without a cause from a little house on the prairie is saved by the bell? Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Toplessness is soooo Fall 2008. Therefore you are out of style; therefore your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? El. Oh. El.

Earlier: What Clothes? Urban Outfitters Presents Naked & Half-Naked Chicks
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes
5 Hideous Things Urban Outfitters Wants You To Wear This Summer
May Anthropologie Catalog: Totally Watered Down

Shades of gray are gorgeous, so is the wind-swept scenery. Too bad it's so humid right now that merely looking at that sweater is giving me hives.

Ah, to be a well-tailored writer, pensive at a typewriter, instead of a muumuu-wearing blogger, snarky at a Mac.

This silk ruffled cami is so pretty, even if you're feeling ixnay on the paper-bag waist skirt. Of course, on some people, a silk cami means underarm sweat stains, and a general feeling of discomfort, but that's neither here nor there.

Look at all the colors!

"Jenna's picks" are predictably pale, soft and ladylike; but any whimpering you may hear is me, wanting that "Libretto" necklace very badly. (Click "full size" to enlarge photo.)

Whimper. Whimper. Whine. Whine.

Maybe I'm closed-minded and behind the times, but when I see these doo-doo brown, misshapen, ortho-fug shoes, one word comes to mind, and that word is: Ew. (Then I see the $225 price tag, and I think: LOL.)

These shorts are pictured with herringbone tights and just one of several pairs of shorts shown with tights. Is this the part of the anti-pants agenda?

More shorts with tights, modeled by someone who looks like Jennifer Jason Leigh in Fast Times.

What we have here, friends is some "creative" styling. She is wearing rhinestones and sweatpants. But that's not all! The caption reads: "Paris Drawstring Pant. Our stylist cut these off and rolled them up." I think it looks ridiculous, but apparently they consider it a serving suggestion?

Once you get over the fact that it's preposterous to purchase something which has already been destroyed, decide if J. Crew is trying to push thinspiration: These jeans are "matchstick"; the ones on the next page are "toothpick": and they are all set off by "superskinny" belts.

How do this dress and these shoes work together, unless she is headed to a prom slash pow wow?

Ew. There's the Ew Shoe. It is Ew.

The wedding/party dresses always manage to be light, ethereal, feminine and cut curiously small in the bust.

But the colors! The colors are fresh and juicy.

Although this is more like what I would wear if I still Ieft the house.

Hey look! Free shipping on multi-culti kids! (Click "full size" to enlarge photo.)

Time to place an order.

[J. Crew]

Earlier: Summer At J. Crew: Pretty, Pastel, Pricey
The WASPiest Items In "Vineyard Vines"
5 Hideous Things Urban Outfitters Wants You To Wear This Summer
May Anthropologie Catalog: Totally Watered Down

The movie How To Marry A Millionaire — starring Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable and Lauren Bacall — was released in 1953. Afterward, a TV series starring Barbara Eden ran for two years. And ten years later, the FOH catalog promised shoppers could "Get That Marry-A-Millionaire Look."

The "look" was all about an hourglass shape: Nipped waist; exaggerated hips and bust. And the wording emphasized that these ensembles were not about how they made you feel, but how another person would feel seeing you in them. For example:

Here, the shoes are not marketed as cool, chic, stylish or indulgent. They're "ultra high," for "shaplier legs" and called "attention getters."

"Provocative Pastels." Clearly, the person wearing the garments is not the one being provoked.

Some clothes are advertised as being luxurious, or inexpensive, or fun — these underthings have work to do:

…And their mission is to "captivate."


Though styles have changed, Frederick's still uses this kind of language — this is from a 2008 catalog:


"Seduction" is the goal — not comfort, or your feelings, as a woman. Unless your feelings are: snag that man. Please that man. Wear what he likes. Maybe even do what he likes? After all, Frederick's sells this:

Even if a woman has fun dressing up, feels empowered when she "captivates" or "seduces," isn't it interesting that the garments are overtly advertised as not really for her?


Retroslutty: 1964 Frederick's of Hollywood Catalog [Copyranter]
Earlier: Frederick's Of Hollywood: Not As Slutty As You Might Think! (But Still Pretty Slutty)
Frederick's Of Hollywood Has A Heart-On For Valentine's Day

Having tiny designs on your tie is pretty WASPy, but when the pattern is made up of signs from Martha's Vineyard, well, you win. Or lose. Depending.
WASP Rating: 9 out of 10 (Whitey)

Uh oh. Imagine the behind-the-scenes conversation that went on here:
Old-Timer: Watermelons? Aren't those for… you know…
Young Buck: Kids?
Old-Timer: No, uh, negr— Afro-Americans?
Young Buck: Not anymore. Now they're into grape soda.
Old-Timer: Ah, ok. Carry on, then.
WASP Rating: 6 out of 10 (Dick)

Nothing says "dressed down" like an $85 tattersall button-down collar shirt with a whale embroidered on it. In "cucumber," "bimini blue," "palm beach" and crisp KKK white. Kidding about the last one.
WASP Rating: 9 out of 10 (Chip)

How did the lobster get to be the CEO of a company?
He just clawed his way to the top!
Why do lobsters make bad boyfriends?
They're shellfish!
WASP Rating: 7 out of 10 (Buckley)

Ooof, VV: This bag is a fail. Everyone knows the true WASP tote comes from LL Bean. Sorry, dear.
WASP Rating: 3 out of 10 (Meg)

Another failure; although it has tiny life preservers and costs $98, this dress looks a mite Forever21, and is therefore a tad too LMC. Hmm? Oh, that stands for lower-middle class, dear. And it just won't do.
WASP Rating: 4 out of 10 (Heatherly)

Ditto.
WASP Rating: 3 out of 10 (Brooke)

Ah, Madras! For those who miss The Colonies, and love beautiful patterns so much that they want to wear them all at the same and thereby ruin them. Madras is always a WASP classic.
WASP Rating: 7 out of 10 (Bitsy)

Fish are cute, but they just don't have the "oomph" that other sea creatures have. Lobster is more high class, no?
WASP Rating: 5 out of 10 (Babs)

Crabs: If you're afraid of having them on your pants, so close to your crotch, you must not be a true WASP.
WASP Rating: 10 out of 10 (Kitty)

Earlier: Brooks Brothers: This Christmas, WASPs Are Mad For Plaid

This item is almost perfect, as its trashiness is literal.


The Best Wishes Beach Ball comes in units by the dozen, for wedding reception crowds that have an outdoor concert feel. (Topless girl sitting on her boyfriend's shoulder not included.)


Taken out of context, "Everyone enjoyed blowing bubbles to wish us happiness!" sounds like the English printed on pencil cases you find at the dollar store.


Sole-less, soul-less. Potato, potahto.


Why?


WHY!!????


I've never heard of this custom…


Heidi Montag was given these at her bridal shower.


"His & Hers" casual wear: Look like a tool for $9.99.


Attend a wedding, witness a union, make memories, take a shit, and don't forget to wipe.

Tired of having to "fake" the mutant-moth look? Don't spend another late night laboring over a T-shirt with a pair of scissors. Just get the "Evil genius destroyed tee," a steal at $42. Is it a commentary on this threadbare life we lead in an era of downsized companies, economic hardship and corporate bailouts? No. It's not.

Quit trying to make harem pants happen! Look, you may think you look like the heir to a Swiss chocolate fortune who's going dancing in Ibiza or needs a cover-up over your bikini when driving your moped from one side of Mallorca to the other when you wear these. But actually, you look like you've shit yourself and need to change your diaper. Trust.

Have there ever been two more terrifying words than "watercolor leggings" ? Eyesores! And the "hooking-my-way-through-Ancient-Rome" shoes only make it worse.

We'd heard rumblings that Emperor Palpatine's granddaughter was starting her own clothing line. But we had no idea how uninspired it would be. And what's with all the weird hoods lately, anyway?

Separately, a lace body suit, a floral skirt and floral leggings are not, in and of themselves, necessarily terrible. But styled like this, we get flashbacks to Grandmama's plastic-covered couch, complete with doily, and not in a good way. A glass chicken with hard peppermint candy inside and a 1965 issue of Life magazine are all this outfit is missing.

Earlier: Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?
What Clothes? Urban Outfitters Presents Naked & Half-Naked Chicks
Urban Outfitters: Seasonal Affective Disorder & See-Through Dresses
Also: 5 Hideous Things Urban Outfitters Wanted You To Wear Last Summer