Jezebel: today in catalogs

Free People: Let's Pretend It's The Summer Of '69

Dodai — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 17:00:00 EST

California dreamin'… on such a winter's day! Let's play Summer Of Love! Let's dress like Janis and listen to Jimi! Let's pretend the '70s, '80s, '90s and '00s never happened! Let's pretend $78 is a fair price for frayed shorts!

"The license plate on this Morris MIni may say '70, but we're living like it's the late '60s! Jack Kerouac's not dead yet! He'd love my $498 chain-strap bag!"

"No, really. We're doing this. We don't trust anyone over 30. Get out of the way, narc."

"My life line is longer than this romper."

"Remember the time we tripped on acid and hung out in a graveyard? Oh. Hmm. You're right. I saw that in Easy Rider. It looked like fun. Anyway, yeah. My outfit. The tee is $118; the jeans are $248; one necklace is $148; a bracelet is $138 and the belt is $68. Authentic, huh? Looking like a hippie takes a lot of bread."

Click "full size" to enlarge.

"Which way to the love-in? I brought extra skirts."

"Do you like my $148 bullet bracelet? It's like, a statement. About war. Which is heavy. As in not cool. But bullets are."

"Am I the first one at the sit-in, or did I get the date wrong?"

"All we are saying… Is give flea-market chic a chance."

"Sure, my romper is $180, and makes me look pre-pubescent, especially when worn with lacy ankle socks, but it's a free country, man. And this is Free People. So cut me some slack, Jack. I'm just trying to hang loose."

WE INTERRUPT THIS CATALOG TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THESE $78 SHORTS. DO NOT ADJUST YOUR COMPUTER. THEY ARE COTTON AND FRAYED AND $78. YOU MAY NOW RETURN TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BROWSING.

This is gorgeous. No snark. A pretty shot. A pretty top. A pretty girl. Fire Fly top, $88; Hammered Gold Earring, $158; Mising Piece Heart Necklace, $358. Golden California sunlight: Priceless. New York is cold. Brr.

"Remember that Aerosmith video with Liv and Alicia? We should reenact it!"
"When was this?"
"In like, 1994."
"First of all, I was 3. Second of all, this is supposed to be 1969."
"Hmm. So… no stripping and running into a lake then?"
"No."

"I got my first real six-string… Bought it at the five-and-dime… Played 'til my fingers bled… Was the summer of '69… Oh, wait. That's from the '80s, isn't it? Am I at the wrong photo shoot?"

"Someone told us this is how people dress in The Haight. My sweater is $168; her onesie is $315. Aren't we groovy?"

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Free People [Official Site]

Earlier: Anthropologie's Hazy Shade Of Winter
Fetchdog, Drs Fosters & Smith: Howliday Humiliation For Dogs & Cats
Dear Santa: Have You Seen The December J. Crew?
Barneys: Wooing With Witticisms & Wallet-Emptying Wares
Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Silver Belles & Butt Floss: Christmas At Frederick's Of Hollywood
Preclears On Your List? Shop The Scientology Holiday Catalog

Also: All previous catalog posts

Anthropologie's Hazy Shade Of Winter

Dodai — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:20:00 EST

Look around, make a sound… There's overpriced stuff to be found!

Forgive me if I revert to a 16-year-old Valley Girl version of myself, but ohmigawd, grody. This is soap wrapped in felt. My bathroom pet peeve is hair on soap. SOAP, BY DEFINITION, SHOULD BE CLEAN. If there's pube hair on your Lever 2000, your shower is VOID. Ew ew ew.

The sweater seems nice and all, but my lust is reserved for that Clothbound Penguin Classic version of Sense and Sensibility. Actually, my favorite designs in the series are the chandelier-covered Great Expectations and the peacock-feathered Picture Of Dorian Gray. You have Coralie Bickford-Smith to thank for the exquisite patterns.

This "message in a bottle" thingy is $16 for a little glass jar and some blank paper. Blink. Blink.

Is the "in-the-clouds scarf" pretty, in a shabby chic/grandma's attic kind of way? Yes. Is it $168 pretty? No.

Someone's been in the Ugly Betty wardrobe department.

My problem with Shabby Chic is my same problem with Olsen twins chic. It's not hip to be homeless, so why is it hip to LOOK homeless? Derelicte your own balls.

The "noble lore" blouse is probably cute and Blair Waldorf-esque, but the "hazy" photo treatment makes it hard to tell. It's worse than the time they shot shit underwater, because it makes me feel like I have glaucoma.

If I have one gift, it's the uncanny ability to look at a page of items and only like the most expensive thing pictured. In this case it's the "Enveloped Petals Cardigan," ringing up at $248 — the Upended Poppy tee is $68; the In-A-Moment dress is $118 and the Waltzing Daphne blouse is $98.

"He said he was a painter… He asked me if I wanted to get plastered… I didn't know it he painted walls… Still, he made me feel dizzy and weak in the knees! Or was it the fumes? All I know is I haven't spackled like that in a long time."

Excellent things about this shot:
1. Eyebrows
2. Eyes
3. Masculine/feminine combo of blazer and lace

Terrible things:
1. Blazer wouldn't look good on me/fit my rack
2. Doesn't come in my size anyway

AAAAAHHHH my eyes! Make it stop.

More lovely books. The striped "Saturation Point" heels are cute, too: $88.

She is humming "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes." Mark my words.

The "Great Heights Shift," $148: Cute or corny? As a city girl, I'm a sucker for a skyline.

Oh, Anthro. This always happens. I hate you, then you do something sweet — like pairing a girl "For Flora Skirt" ($168) and pindot tights ($18) with retro "Carved Celadon" heels ($168). Le sigh.

Anthropologie [Official Site]

Earlier: Man Shops Globe: The World Is Your Boho Bazaar
Man Shops Globe: The World Is Your Boho Bazaar
Anthropologie: Sartorialist-ic "Real" People Impossibly Pretty, Well-Dressed
May Anthropologie Catalog: Totally Watered Down
Anthropologie "Adorned": Critters & Kids Steal The Spotlight From Bags & Baubles
Anthropologie "Revival": TV-Ready Fall Fashion
Pottery Barn, Anthropologie & West Elm: Bedding Porn For Sleepyheads
CB2, Anthropologie & Delia's: More Bedding Porn For SleepyHeads
Please Do Not Look The Anthropologie Model In The Eye
Anthropologie "Vignettes": Forcing Us To Look Forward To Fall
Anthropologie "Giving": We Love To Hate & Hate To Love It
Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?
Anthropologie Doesn't Care About Black People

All previous catalog posts

Fetchdog, Drs Fosters & Smith: Howliday Humiliation For Dogs & Cats

Dodai — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:00:00 EST

Let's sing the praises of two pet catalogs — Doctors Fosters & Smith and Fetchdog: Jingle bells, my cat smells, my dog is not too bright… Oh what fun it is to shop for pet products tonight!

So, we're starting with Fetchdog first. While these bedding products are not specifically holiday-themed, they can't be overlooked. On the one hand: Isn't it weird to offer your dog fur to lie on — even if it's faux? On the other hand: Think of the sense of accomplishment that Pomeranian must be feeling — he's conquered a gigantic jaguar.

When they talk about your dog's "inner jungle animal," do they mean jungle like the music? Is this Pug headed to a nü rave?

Aw, the chew toy shaped like a peppermint is really cute. As are the gingerbread men.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

Let's face it: The item called a "Starstruck Party Collar" is really a jester outfit. Your dog is a joke! It's his job to keep you entertained. As for the Weimaraner in antlers, his expression is: "Please. I'm begging you. Take them off."

Of all these items, the velvet bell collar seems the least offensive; the fact that the Santa Hat comes with a scarf boggles the mind. The "reindog bandana" is just dumb. That Vizsla agrees. And would like a treat.

I'll admit that I like the Ho Ho Fleece Hoodie. Are you guys going to start hounding me? I'm afraid to incur your wrath. Let's move on.

The awesome thing about the Doctors Fosters & Smith catalog cover is how the photograph solidifies all the stereotypes about cats and dogs. Cats are savvy opportunists; dogs are lazy good-for-nothings who sleep when there's work to be done.

The reindeer costume doesn't work, but the Santa Suit is kind of brilliant. That Boston Terrier looks quite sharp, what with the matching socks.

I eat meat and buy sometimes buy leather, but knowing that rawhide chews are made from cowskin, seeing all of it together like this makes me queasy. And that "bone" is too big. TOO BIG.

Puggle says: "She's a bitch. No, really. An actual bitch."

WHY does that Elf Hat have brown pointed ears?!?!?! Wait. I don't want to know.

"Just For Cats" ought to read "Just For Krazy Kat Ladies Who Like To Advertise Their Love Of Cats."

You know this look. This is the look of a fierce feline contemplating scratching some idiot human's eyes out. Ideally the fool who adorned him in a Collar Ruff. But anyone will do.

Fake colors make rawhides cuter.

Another put-upon puss plots revenge.

Fetchdog [Official Site]
Doctors Fosters & Smith [Official Site]

Earlier:
Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

Dear Santa: Have You Seen The December J. Crew?
Barneys: Wooing With Witticisms & Wallet-Emptying Wares
Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Silver Belles & Butt Floss: Christmas At Frederick's Of Hollywood
Preclears On Your List? Shop The Scientology Holiday Catalog

All previous catalog posts

Dear Santa: Have You Seen The December J. Crew?

Dodai — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:00:00 EST

You see, Mr. Claus, I think we should talk about it.

Santa, it's kind of cool to send models to Chile's Andes Mountains and all, but really, even though the girl in the coat looks adorbs as she "poses" or drunkenly weaves through the snow, the dude in the poncho and hat in the back looks more interesting. Bad-ass, even. Even the horse is like, "Bish plz. Nay."

Santa, don't you love this shot? The textures and colors! And if you, Mr. Claus, feel bringing this girl a pearl twisted hammock necklace ($98) and a pearl-and-crystal avalanche necklace (135), that would be awesome, because I'm loath to pay those prices for them. And I've been good.

Have you ever tried this, St. Nick? Going out it lots of cute layers instead of a coat? Does it work for you? Really? Are you warm enough? Can you still move your arms? Huh.

Aw, Santa, as a girl who dresses up for Dorothy almost every Halloween, my heart skips a beat when I see glitter heels. Then again, I dig pretty much everything glittery here — the tank, the cardigan, the necklace.

Yum! Ladylike coats in sugary-sweet colors!

Ooh, this hearkens back to boat on dry land trend of 2008! Unless that's a frozen lake.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

Dear Santa, don't you think it would be nice to entertain at home in a velvet jacket and silk pajama pants? And, more importantly: Sneakers? Oh, it's all very well to squeeze into something short and/or tight, and strap on heels and teeter around at holiday parties. But imagine being able to eat! And walk!

Dear Kris Kringle: The "Ellington" skirt is named after Duke, right? It's all jazzy and whatnot, designed for dancing on top of a piano or for pretending you're in a repertory theater production of Chicago. Too bad it's styled with those hideous socks and shoes.

Riddle me this, KK: Is "bling" ever going away? Not sparkles — sparkly stuff we love. But the word. Bling. Just a question. While you're thinking about it, bring me this cardigan in light berry, fresh guava, soft violet and heather fossil.

Yo. Sinterklaas. File this under "good in theory but less elegant in practice."

Dear Santa: Bet you can't guess who the most awesome person in this picture is. Go ahead, click "full size" to enlarge. Nah, it's not the gray lady on the left in the Ellington skirt. Try again.

Ding ding ding!

Hey, Santa, did you know J. Crew hired Chanel Iman? Exciting, right? She looks super pretty! Young! Fresh! Bright-eyed and bushy pony-tailed! And, you know: Yay for black models.

Another yay! Is this Arlenis? Her skin is to die for, as are these soft, candy colors.

Oh, Santa. If only I looked like this right now. Put-together! Joyous! Like a flattering light and some peachy blush are emanating from within me! Instead I'm wearing pajamas with cupcakes and ice cream on 'em and my hair looks like a Brillo pad that needs to be thrown away and my face is like :-/

Dear Santa: Everything but the boots. And maybe you could throw in a little somethin' extry?

Thanks!

J. Crew [Official Site]

Earlier: October At J. Crew: Pretty, Preppy, Preposterous
J.Crew's Ovary-Busting Child Models Should Come With A Warning
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes

J. Jill Vs. J. Crew: It's A Fashion Showcase Showdown

Barneys: Wooing With Witticisms & Wallet-Emptying Wares

Dodai — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:00:00 EST

The new Barneys New York catalog urges, "Have A Witty Holiday." Shopping the pages, you realize: You can't afford one.

For starters, those earrings on the cover are $19,600. They're not just earrings, see, they're 7.67 natural amoeba diamond slice earrings in 18K gold with colored diamonds. Plus, they possess the power to hypnotize!

This, friends, is a candle. A pretty candle, and yet: something you set fire to. $395. Are you feeling witty yet?

Rose gold chain with diamonds, $4900. Skinny jeans, $194. Hairdo that involves refereeing a cock fight: Priceless.

This Lacoste polo featuring a crocodile clusterfuck is a limited edition collaboration with Brazilian designers Humberto and Fernando Campanas and "reflects their commitment to creative chaos and triumphantly simple solutions." Witty! And $165.

"You can pretend to be serious; you cannot pretend to be witty." — Sascha Guitry

Honestly, I like the idea of peppering the catalog with witticisms, like this one, even though I had never heard of Sacha Guitry. I looked him up! He was a French actor, dramatist and director who wrote his first play at age 17. He wrote and directed and acted in Pasteur, a biography of the famous scientist; and there's something in his IMDb biography about how he lived a lavish lifestyle while the Germans occupied France in the '40s… He was jailed for a few months after the liberation of Paris. He was married five times, all to actresses who co-starred in either his plays or films. And! His name was apparently spelled Sacha, not Sascha.

But none of this is the point! The point is: That hair bauble, which would most certainly instantly fall out of my hair and through a sewer grate, is $1,990.

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." — Carl Jung

"Show me someone willing to pay $2,900 for these earrings and I will show you someone rich and dumb." — Yours truly.

There's a Dorothy Parker quote on the lingerie page, where $125 gets you a strip of silk for romantic, light BDSM evenings.

Dammit, if I had $365 and poor eyesight, I would love a pair of Albert Maysles glasses. He directed Grey Gardens! He's avuncular! He rocks! And the Maysles Institute in Harlem is a nonprofit organization that provides training and apprenticeships to underprivileged individuals. And you can see movies there, too!

A "choosing between two evils" quote on page where both items are made of rabbit fur? Witty?

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" —Abraham Lincoln.

New idea: LOLFoundingFathers.

Oh, hey, if this loose, body-disguising psuedo-homeless style looks familiar, it's because these garments are from The Row, aka Mary-Kate and Ashley's clothing line. $490 for the cardigan, $225 for the tank and $1,700 for the pants. That's $2,145 to look like you just rolled out of bed and threw on some laundry from your floordrobe.

Since alligators have been seen in the Mississippi River, a Mark Twain quote on this page is actually an inspired choice.

Barneys New York [Official Site]

Earlier: Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying
All previous catalog posts

Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig

Dodai — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:40:00 EST

Welcome To Ashro, where a lady dresses like a lady and there is no such thing as too matchy-matchy.

Whatever you're planning to wear to your company Christmas party is nowhere near as good as this. A red suit is clearly what your life has been lacking. Don't like this one?

Try one like this instead.

Or this.

Or perhaps emerald green is more your thing.

It goes on like this for pages and pages and pages! After a while, you start wearing down — believing that, yes, what you need to be wearing is a fancy skirt suit and a hat.

An elegant black ensemble is probably what I'd choose. No word on whether it comes with Jeeves, to help you out of cars.

All-over floral worries me. And I am, admittedly, a magpie maximalist: I like sequins and flowers and rhinestones and doodads. But I fear that wearing something like this would make me look like the new Von Trapp nanny who's gotten into the curtains. Or wallpaper.

Statuesque posture, unshakable confidence: Required; not included.

Sometimes overtly "feminine" fashion — adorned with flower blooms or buds and other veiled vaginal references — can be delicate, demure… almost weak. This, for some reason, reads "strength." …And "vulva-esque."

Did I mention that Ashro has a wig section?

Man, I love that the wigs come in gray. That means that somewhere out there, some sassy grandma is wearing this sassy cut.

Asymmetrical even!

So, here's why I have the Ashro catalog: I once ordered a caftan. To blog from home in. Feels slightly more appropriate than pajamas when the UPS guy shows up.

I can't vouch for the "approrpriate-ness" of the other casual wear Ashro offers, however…

Ashro [Official Site]

Earlier: 19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying
All previous catalog posts

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall

Dodai — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:00:00 EST

Strange things are afoot in the Sky Mall catalog! Check out lasers, kitty spaceships and sneakers that will make you "look like a million dollars" in a gallery, beginning below.

1. Hair Max Laser Comb
For: Your uncle with the receding hairline?
Because if there's one thing that can solve any problem on earth, it's lasers. Everyone knows that. This thing has NINE lasers, for nine times the ~~pain~~ efficiency! The $495 price tag is a drawback; you'd better have a lot of cousins who want to chip in.

2. Break-resistant Wine Glasses
For: Your Aunt Alkie?
Thanksgiving will be less embarrassing! But be warned: Auntie may experience a major drop in productivity, and you may have to drive her home.

3. X5 Hair Laser or Toppik
For: Your other Uncle with the receding hairline?
Notice how the dead forest of hair becomes a thicket? It's magic! And the spray-on hair is better than that toupee.

4. G Defy Sneakers
For: Your friend who just had a baby?
More energy, pain relief, etc. And the little sperm logo is just adorbs.

5. Remote-Controlled Tarantula
For: Your Goth niece?
The black widow will help her on her mission to frighten her parents in brand new ways.

6. Stainless Steel Wallet
For: Your tightwad brother?
He's obsessed with counting every cent, and he doesn't even know about radio-frequency hacking. Encourage — and manage — his paranoia.

7. Slanket
For: Yourself
Yeah, it's sooo 2008. Call me when you're cold and typing and wishing your blanket had sleeves.

8. Digital Notepad
For: Your BFF who's getting married?
She can scribble notes about seating charts, her gown and flower arrangements and then email them to a batch of people, 9 out of 10 of whom will hit "delete."

9. Forest Faces
For: Your own lawn. Sure, they're horrifying — and thus, they keep the neighborhood kids living in fear, far from your property.

10. Rock Lamp
For: Your sister who longs to be one with the earth and also smokes a lot of pot. The flame looks so cool when you're stoned.

11. CoverTiques
For: Your coworker who's always showing waaaay too much cleavage. Just leave it on her chair, with a note from "Secret Santa."

12. Litter Robot
For: The crazy cat lady in your life; bonus if she's a sci-fi fan. Kitty's going into space!

13. Peanuts Nativity
For: The aging hippie in your life, who'll think it's funny that Woodstock is the baby Jesus.

14. Head Spa Massager
For: Anyone you want to see looking like a fool.

15. King Tut Lifesize Sarcophagus Cabinet
For: Your mummy. Obvs.

16. The Inspirers Collection™ Portraits
For: Black people. Seriously, they should call this "stuff black people like." My Great Uncle Julius would move his Roots mural and hang these over his couch if he were still alive.

17. Happy Feet
For: Your Jimmy Choo-obsessed friend. Dare her to wear them out of the house.

18. Warm Whiskers Neck Wrap
For: Your nephew who wants to be Gunther Gable or either Siegfried or Roy when he grows up. Throw in something sequined; he'll thank you later.

No presents here… It's just that sometimes, we post a Photoshop Of Horrors and someone will ask, "why don't they just use illustrations?" Here's your answer: Some companies do! The results are terrifying.

Last, but not least:
19. No! No!
For: Honestly, I'm not sure who could benefit. But I do think it's interesting that the girly pink one costs $30 more than the manly red one.

Earlier: 8 Products From SkyMall You Can Use To Kill Someone
SkyMall: Shopping The Friendly Skies For Pointless Products
More SkyMall: The Mile-High Commerce Club

Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying

Dodai — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:40:00 EST

Team Turkey, Team Cake, Team Pie: There's something here for all of you! If you brought your credit card, that is.

This is a pretty interesting spread they've got going here: There's wine, but no veggies or bread. Just meat and dessert. Not that I'm complaining. Interested in doing a little shopping? The pecan pie is $65; the apple pie is $65, and you'll pay a $150 for that ham. Oh, the chocolate turkey centerpiece is $175 — more than the actual 14 lb. turkey, which rings up at $125.

The Turkey Roulade is layered with cornbread stuffing (made from cornbread, yellow onions, celery, cranberries, pecans and jalapeño peppers) but the Harvest Cornucopia cake sounds even better: Buttery almond cake layered with rich vanilla cream, frosted in chocolate buttercream and wrapped in dark chocolate. What if I don't want the weird marzipan fruit — just the frosting? Will that knock a few bucks off the $150 price tag?

This Berkshire boneless ham looks decent, but there's no way it holds a candle to the pecan-covered, bourbon-soaked ham my mom used to make. Before my sister became a vegetarian.

Sour cream apple walnut pie — made with Granny Smith apples, fresh sour cream, topped with brown sugar, cinnamon and walnut streusel — sounds really good right about now. But if you're going to spend $65, the "pie sampler" may be the way to go: You get to taste the walnut pie, the pumpkin pie, the pecan pie and the Mississippi Mud pie. We discussed the pumpkin cake earlier, so let's move on to some other cakes…

The German chocolate cake has four layers of light chocolate cake with buttercream frosting and coconut and toasted pecans between the layers. Callebaut chocolate fudge and chocolate curls top the whole thing off. Sounds like $75 might be a bargain for that one. The coconut key lime cake is "zingy," according to the copy, but I'm really curious about the raspberry rose vanilla cake. Butter cake perfumed with Tahitian vanilla beans, then layered with buttercream flavored puréed raspberries and rose syrup? Never heard of such a thing!

Since the $180 purse cake seems gimmicky and the $40 pistachio cake not sweet enough, gâteau nuage cheesecake it is! "A delightful blend of cream cheese and whipped cream, layered with sour cream, in a graham cracker crust." And at $70? You're really putting your money where your mouth is.

Earlier: Halloween At Dean & Deluca: The Trick Is Being Able To Afford The Treats
Mackenzie: Hot, Steamy, Scrumptious Food Porn
Free People Wishes You Hippie Holidays
Lilly's Kids: What's Christmas Without Reinforcing Gender Stereotypes?

All previous catalog posts

Free People Wishes You Hippie Holidays

Dodai — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:20:00 EST

If you're a trust fund kid who longs to look worldly, poor and thoughtful, you're in luck. The November Free People catalog knows that nothing says "Christmas" like overpriced crochet and a headband.

This is how short hemlines are these days. Crotch-length, perfect for Team No Pants. It's a pretty skirt, even if the proportions in this ensemble are completely wonky.

"It's a dress!"
"Says who?"
"~~Calvin Klein~~ Free People!"

There are eight things I don't understand about this sweater, none of which include the price of $128. The boots remind me of the Barbara Mandrell show. Whether that's good or bad, I can't decide.

"Rich hippie" is so weird. Honestly, if you are six years old, or if you are impoverished, it's okay to dress like this. But if you are not, you should not.

When you have a favorite pair of jeans that fit and feel perfect, and they start to disintegrate, it makes perfect sense to try and patch 'em up and keep 'em going as long as you can. And attempting to recreate that experience — of loved, lived-in denim — is understandable. But these "imported" pre-patched and faded "boyfriend" jeans at $128 remind me of a line in The Sweet Smell Of Success: "That's fish four days old. I'm not buying it!"

Your grandma (or someone else's) will be happy to make this for you. Do you really need FP's $128 version?

Just imagine showing up to the office party in this getup. Like yeah, 'sup bitches, vacay in Prague was great, it's just all my favorite spots are blowing up, so I'm off to Gdansk next, anyone got any weed?

(Oh, and by the by: Those shorts are $78.)

Tinkerbell's Goth cousin looks a little strung out. Believe it or not, this is called a "Shimmers Onesie," and it's $248.

Every now and then, FP tricks me into thinking I like its stuff. Sometimes it's the jewelry (I have a crush on this ring, but the price is obnoxious). Sometimes it's soft, pretty stuff like this…

…But then I turn the page and see fug head to toe. And I know this place is not for me.

I have a theory. Only skinny white people can dress like this. If you are thick or black or brown, you will look like a homeless vagrant. It's just a theory.

Apologies. Your hostess would like to excuse herself, as she has crapped her pants.

Earlier: Lilly's Kids: What's Christmas Without Reinforcing Gender Stereotypes?
Silver Belles & Butt Floss: Christmas At Frederick's Of Hollywood
Preclears On Your List? Shop The Scientology Holiday Catalog
Mackenzie: Hot, Steamy, Scrumptious Food Porn
Translating The J. Peterman Catalog (Again)

Free People: Winning Us Over With Cute, Cuddly Critters
Free People's Tops Can Be Worn Many Ways, Several Of Them Stoopid
At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous
Free People: More Overpriced Thrift Store Crap Masquerading As Vintage Chic
'Free People', August 2007: Luxuriating Lolitas and $400 Shoes
Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles
Free People: Someone Watched The Darjeeling Limited Before Booking This Photo Shoot

Related: All previous catalog posts

Lilly's Kids: What's Christmas Without Reinforcing Gender Stereotypes?

Dodai — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:00:00 EST

There are many lessons to be learned in the Lilly's Kids Holiday catalog, with stuff for kids ages 2 and up! For instance: Some toys/jobs are for girls, while other toys/jobs are for boys.

Car repair? That's for boys. That look on his face says: "I'm thinking about overcharging you."

Cooking and cleaning? That's for girls. The young lady on the left might also be discovering that a frying pan can double as a weapon, but that's for advanced users.

Grilling? That's for boys. Even though cooking on a stove is for girls, if you cook with fire, you're following our ancestor, Homo Erectus. Early Man, not Early Woman!

Playing with your food is something both girls and boys can do; although only girls work at McDonald's.

Related: When I was four, I loved McDonald's intensely and thought it was a burger and shake heaven on earth. So when a teacher asked me — the only black kid in my pre-k class — what I wanted to do when I grew up, I said "work at McDonald's." My mom witnessed this interaction and, I think, almost died of disappointment.

Being a pretty princess, wearing make-up and jewelry? That's for girls.

And just because you're a princess doesn't mean you shouldn't bake, make toast or blend a smoothie. Duh. That's what girls do.

A plush pet condo, for girls ages 2 and up. Because it's never too early to be a crazy cat lady!

Something all girls look forward to: Graduating from a baking princess to a Queen Of Clean. Maybe someday she'll be in one of those sad mop commercials Sarah Haskins is always making fun of.

Don't tell Danica Patrick, but car racing is for boys. Falling in love is for girls.

Sports are for boys.

Except soccer. Girls can play soccer. And whatever that other thing is.

OMG progress: Girls can be doctors! Or star in primetime medical dramas!

But boys can be paleontologists, truckers, law enforcement officials or doctors.

Lilly's Kids [Official Site]

Earlier: All previous catalog posts

Silver Belles & Butt Floss: Christmas At Frederick's Of Hollywood

Dodai — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:30:00 EST

Silent night? Holy night? Not when you're shopping for ass trinkets and "secret" Santa crotchless panties! Fun stuff from the Frederick's Of Hollywood catalog, after the jump.

Fred is really fashion-forward this season, with metallics and retro-looking bra and panty sets. (We're ignoring that lace monstrosity inset, mmkay?

So much silver! Pretty classy, considering.

The color here is called "Moonbeam." Heh. Moon. We haven't even gotten to the ass-centric part yet.

This would be a good outfit to wash dishes or pay bills in. I mean, it's going to lift your spirits! And your tits.

Has it ever occurred to you that "babydoll" is kind of a weird word to use when talking about lingerie? Empire waists and fluttery, ruffled chemises are fun, but let's leave Lolita, Baby Spice, Caroll Baker and other thoughts of sexualization of children out of it.

Am I turning into a prude? The more see-through it is, the less I like it.

Wait! I think I can get behind that flirty half-slip on the far right. Heh. Get behind.

If you're going to be riding in a one-horse open sleigh, you're going to need a bit more coverage. Especially with H, the teddy on the bottom left. A person could get frostbite in places you really don't want frostbite.

Mean Girls flashbacks, anyone? I enjoyed KG and the Power of 3.

Dear Santa,
If someone brings me a maribou-nipple thingie with "Jingle Bell Crotchless Boy Shorts," I will be sad…

…And I don't want a bow on my business, either.
Love,
Me.

Re: That woman on the far left. You'd be laughing, too, if you had a Fraggle in your cleavage.

This panty supposedly has a "low back." But isn't it so much more than that? Seems like you could go to the doctor's office and get a Malaria shot without even taking your undies off.

Here we go: Butt bows, butt laces, butt butterflies.

And! Special for 2009! Limited Edition! Rhinestones! In your butt!

No, really: Right up in there. Ouch.

Still, I can't hate on this catalog, because they carry plus sizes, some of the bras are quite lovely, and the retro -ish stuff is actually pretty! And some bras come in sizes up to 42F.

Just stay away from the cheeky crack charms. You'd better watch out. You'd better not try.

Earlier: Frederick's Of Hollywood's Marketing Techniques Haven't Changed Much In 45 Years
Frederick's Of Hollywood Has A Heart-On For Valentine's Day
Frederick's Of Hollywood: Not As Slutty As You Might Think! (But Still Pretty Slutty)

Click here for all previous catalog posts.

Preclears On Your List? Shop The Scientology Holiday Catalog

Dodai — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:40:00 EST

A million thank yous to the reader who mailed me the Dianetics & Scientology Holiday catalog! With so much crazytown inside, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

While Scientology has been going through tough times lately — a French court convicted the church of fraud and Oscar-winning filmmaker Paul Haggis resigned publicly — spokesperson Tommy Davis says the church is flourishing: assets and property holdings have doubled over the past five years. Is some of that cash from the catalog sales? Maybe!

Before you open the catalog, there's the cover picture — a snowy scene captured by world-renowned photographer L. Ron Hubbard. Or, as he was called by a former coworker, Enron Hubbard.

Inside, there's a picture of — and a letter from — Mr. Hubbard. The message reads: "Mankind's salvation lies within our hands. A very Merry Christmas to you all and a bright friendly new year." Has Hubbard been dead since 1986? Yes. But his message, about being a "help" to others, lives on!

Hubbard's hideous curtains also live on. Related: It's so disappointing that L. Ron didn't have the alien ornament from Bronner's. We don't know what Xenu actually looks like, but we doubt he has a goatee, like the BBC depicted him.

What do you give the man who has everything? The leatherbound edition of the 18 "Basics Books." According to the copy, "Each volume is bound in Nigerian goatskin" and "printed on 100% cotton paper." Oh, and: "The Basics was created to fuel the next phase of our planetary crusade." In case you weren't aware.

UPDATE: Curiosity got the best of me and I just called to ask how much the set of 18 leatherbound books costs. The answer?? $2,000.