The "American Farmstead cheese collection" includes Marieke Gouda, Vermont Ayr, La Fleurie and Capriole O'Banon. Whatever that means. Looks delicious. Also not bad? The sheep. And the dude.

Hmm, a new Thanksgiving tradition? Mini empanadas seem like a great idea, all of a sudden. So do bacon-wrapped dates. And phyllo-wrapped spinach triagles. And tamales. Yum.

There's something about pot pie on a cold day. So warm, so creamy, so filling. This one is lobster, but chicken is great, too. Also seen here: smoked salmon trio (scotch-cured, Maine sea spice and lemon-and-dill) and maple-smoked salmon fillet.

Beef. It's what's for dinner. Will you have filet mignon? Strip steaks? Rib roast? Or some dry-aged beef? Everything looks juicy and divine.

Some families always have turkey; my people are prone to ham. We like it soaked in bourbon and smothered in pecans, but both of these look okay. Let's just skip to dessert.

The "bûche de Nöel" is a cake that looks like a log. This one is chocolate genoise cake "rolled with a light, fluffy layer of chocolate ganache and rerobed in chocolate truffle buttercream cleverly sculpted to replicate bark." And those mushrooms are made of meringue. Some people love tiramisu; I think I'd opt for the peppermint gelato truffles down below. They're described as "silky-smooth," and now my mouth is watering.

Peppermint bark! It's official, the holidays have begun.

You can't actually buy this adorable igloo cake — Williams-Sonoma just sells the mold — but it's so cute!

Even better: Red velvet cake. Or cupcakes. Get your own.

Then there's 12-layer chocolate cake, coconut lemon layer cake and five layer mousse cake. Ever feel like you want to live inside of a cake?

You can try and live inside of this gingerbread manor, if you like. A recession bargain at $250. Oh, but here's a tip for the folks at Williams-Sonoma: Why not call your gingerbread cookies "kids" instead of "boys"? Especially when one is named Samantha?

Anyway, if the manor is a little high-end for your taste, downsize to a little gingerbread shack.

Williams-Sonoma [Official Site]

Earlier: The Naked Chef: Pfaelzer Brothers Peddle Hot Food Porn

Look at that thick, juicy meat. Straining with hot fluids. Once you get it in your mouth, you know it's going to burst, letting warm red liquid stream down your throat.


Some like to see the pink inside, do you?


Or are you one of those bad, naughty types, who likes it raw?


Maybe you like it freaky? Brown on pink. Two on two… or more?


Get a good look at this pink, wet, glistening flesh. You know you want it.


Insert your fingers into the folds. You'll find it tender and dripping.


Who can resist a heaving, moistened breast?


Go ahead, lick the gooey sweetness. It's yearning to be inside you.



Warm fluid oozes out, just for you.


You'll get your just desserts. Just put your tongue in the crease.




Pfaelzer Brothers [Official Site]

First: Unless your name is Olivia, Ophelia, Obama, Odetta or, of course, Oprah, you may not find it exciting that nearly everything Oprah sells has an O on it. At first it was extremely distracting. Then you get used to it. Onward!

First stop: O Baby. There are cute sets you could pick up if you're going to a baby shower.

These bibs are bestsellers, Oprah says.

These are a lot funnier, don't you think?

The critters on this tee aren't just random; they're animals found in South Africa. Oprah has a vision!

While the puppy polo is cute, it just makes a lot more sense if your dog's name is Oscar, or Oakley.

When the Os make a pattern, like on this leash, they're less Obnoxious.

The apparel for women consists of lots and lots of workout wear. Three different kinds of yoga pants, all kinds of hoodies and sweatshirts, and almost everything has a tiny embroidered O. Obese? No excuse!

There are T-shirts with Oprah phrases on them…

…Which are either inspirational or rather demanding, depending on your mood.

Oprah has an entire section called "cashmere." This sweater comes in sizes up to XXXL, which almost never happens with cashmere, so that's great. The O logo? Not so great, when the sweater is $120.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I might buy this sweater. It's just so freakin' cute! Cashmere, with rouched sleeves. And look ma, no logo!

For men, Oprah offers Harpo logo tees, which is just not ever going to happen. Catch on, I mean. Never.

Ties seem more likely: You can't even tell there a million tiny Os on each one.

The "Home Living" section has some really gorgeous items, like these handcrafted beaded glass bowls. They're from Sizwe Umoya, a group of rural Zulu wire-weavers in South Africa. Oprah is soooo on-message.

These baskets are also handcrafted, but I'm just going to go ahead and say it: Meh.

I might buy this pillow, Oprah. Okay? Winning me over.

Oprah loves tea, so there are plenty of teapots, trays, dessert plates, cups and mugs to choose from. Still, only the Obamas, O'Connors and Onassises should have O teapots.

This O tray is pretty damn cute. And the colorful acrylic glasses are perfect for cocktails by the pool. Not that I have a pool.

Oprah says this makeup bag is a top-seller. The logo starts to grow on you after a while. Like fungus.

These makeup bags are even better: Metallic is chic, and the logo's been reduced to a mere zipper pull. Subtle!

Ladies and gentlemen, Oprah luggage. For traveling to Ontario, Oman, or, oh, Ohio.

For some reason, this piece of luggage seems even worse than the others. At least the previous ones had a sense of humor.

An Oprah nOtebook makes sense somehow.

Oprah notes: Vadgetastic?

The keychain that started it all!

Last, but not least: The O ornament. Oprah is practically a deity at this point, right? Happy Holidays!

The Oprah Store goes online [UPI]
The Oprah Store [Official Site]

This item isn't technically new, but it's still worth mentioning. Nothing says "birth of Jesus Christ" like newlywed frogs, sitting in a giant engagement ring.

Aww, due to the recession, this may be the only helicopter some poor stockbroker families see this year. Sniff.

The pirate stuff is alright, but what is up with Tinker Bell's North Pole light house? Since when did that little pixie snatch up real estate in Santaland?

Here are your political ornaments: Get the donkey and the elephant for a bipartisan tree. There's someting a little "off" about the White House, but the weirdest one here has got to be the freaky-looking soldier. It's clear he's meant to honor the troops, but why is his mouth frozen in an "O" of shock and awe?

Okay, this one is just uncomfortable. Personalizing items for dead people? Really?

While we're on the subject of deceased… Fishing is a popular hobby, but something about hanging the image of a dead fish on the tree just stinks. People love to hunt, yet you don't see any deer carcasses being offered…

Although this moose does seem worried. Hopefully he won't end up in Wasilla.

Bronner's [Official Site]

Earlier: 9 Really Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's

Okay, all you closet goths: Black dishes! Gorgeous, no? Try not to think about the fact that the champagne flutes are $180 for a set of two. Think how awesome they'd look on a crisp white tablecloth with some deep purple grapes and My Bloody Valentine playing in the background.

Holy sweet tooth, it's a Bat Cake! That is not paper, that is purple and black tinted white chocolate. Decadent. Which is why it's $160.

The Ghost Cake is cute, but let's focus on those Halloween Pops: "Big chunks of ooey gooey handmade chocolate chip fudge with marshmallows get the 'stick treatment' before being dipped in Belgian chocolate and decorated by hand." Uh, what's that the kids say on the interwebs? WANT. $44 for a set of 4.

The Trick Or Treat bag is okay, but the cookies shaped like kids in costumes are awesome. I want to bite that little devil's head off. Fourteen cookies, $65.

Yum, that $120 Pumpkin Cake is "six layers of vanilla spiced cake with praline butter cream and a center layer of rich chocolate fudge." And that thing that looks like a crate of apples? It's an Apple Crate Cake. No, really. It's a chocolate cake with marzipan apples on top. It's also $200. Meanwhile, I am seriously considering ordering six cookies and eight brownies right now: $40.

Whoa. A large feast is $520. You get a turkey, porcini stuffing with gravy, brussels sprouts au gratin, bourbon sweet potatoes with almonds and cranberry sauce with cardamom. Plus cream cheese biscuits. I just want to dip my finger in those sweet potatoes, how much would that cost?

These "cranky" jack o' lantern chocolates are so damn cute. $36 for 16.

Here's Halloween for grownups: White chocolate pumpkin with ganache-filled figs and a bottle of red wine. Costume optional.

Dean & Deluca [Official Site]

A closer look at the young lady on the cover. It's noble how she models through the pain.

Some of the moddles are so sad, they can't even show their faces. They can, however, show you that the shiny legging trend will not go away; neither will the hideous shoe trend.
(Silence & Noise buffalo poncho, $68; leggings, $38. Jeffrey Campbell Marly platform shoe, $125.)

Luckily, Urban's got just the thing for those chilly winter months ahead: A sheer, see-through dress! Don't you feel better already?
(Kimchi Blue chiffon twilight dress, $68.)

Where does depression hurt? Everywhere.

Who does depression hurt? Everyone.

In the first shot, it's as though she's thinking, "I'm so depressed. I wish there were a bridge I could jump off of." And the second shot is: "Wait a minute!"
(Silence & Noise motorcycle jacket, $128.)

The first image, on the right: "What would Virginia Woolf do?" The second: "Hmm, too shallow."
(Kimchi Blue shadow silk cami, 48; Silence & Noise coated jean, $78; Ruby leather lace-up boot, $88.)

This is basically a work of art. It should be titled "Ennui with coke spoon."

Lastly, in addition to all of the emotional depression, Urban Outfitters has convinced me that we are, indeed, heading toward financial depression. I base this assertion on their shoes, alone: No whimsical 80s-revival neon pumps, no dance-til-dawn party platforms. Instead, they offer the following hard-scrabble Dickensian specimens:

Urban Outfitters [Official Site]
Earlier: The New Urban Outfitters: I Want To Sell You This Skirt But My Dog Just Died
Urban Outfitters: Sequins, High-Waisted Trousers & The Return Of The Miserable Model

What's ennui selling for these days? Well, when it comes in the form of a cotton/polyester "girlfriend jersey" that seems like it ought to be free as a hand-me-down from your cousin, the answer is $128.

The studded vintage combat boots are $388, which just seems ridiculous, but I guess people want their shoes broken in for them. The "Arizona Eagle" necklace and the "Alaska Eagle" necklace are both "imported." Haha.

I don't know, I just can't get with these "artsy" printed T-shirts at $78 each. I can't decide if they are more hideous when illustrated or when worn with suspenders. I mean $158 bridle leather braces. Sorry.

All of these bags, which look like yard sale rejects, are over $150.

Ugh. Katie Holmes! See what ye hath wrought? I'm sure some of you are psyched about this boyfriend jean trend but I predict bad things for myself and the large-thighed like me.

Dress, $128; belt,$128, splattered dots on the page that make me think of germs and toxic mold: Priceless.

Okay, so remember the boat on dry land trend? Finally, someone's up the creek without a paddle.

I love Chucks. I have lots of Chucks. But when Chucks are sold "vintage" and "studded" and for $168, they're over, right? Right?

Free People [Official Site]

Earlier: Summer At 'Free People': Crafty Crocheted Crap, At Twice The Price Of Thrift Stores!
Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles
Free People, August 2007: Luxuriating Lolitas and $400 Shoes
Free People: Someone Watched The Darjeeling Limited Before Booking This Photo Shoot
Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?

You'd think that anything with a pot leaf on it would be a given in this challenge. Alas, these "edgy" crystal purses are $1,400 each.

Just one of the many pages upon which there was nothing under $100. The scooters are $25,000 each; the lamp is $2,400 and the perfumes, excusez-moi, Elixirs Charnels, are $250 each.

Finally! Something well under $100. Dior mascara, $27. Not as fun as a $225 watch, a $225 sterling ice cream bucket or a $300 ring of amethyst, but whatever.

Maybe you decorate your home with beer bottles and ashtrays for a hundred bucks or less. But these "beer bottle" vases are hand etched. And made from, um, recycled beer bottles. They'll cost you $140-$220. The ash tray is $600, which means if you put a lit cigarette in it, you're an asshole.

$95 will get you a set of two "glass swirls," seen in the center of this page. "Indulge your twisted side with fanciful twirled-glass pieces to display as your spirit guides," reads the copy. Yeah, you're thinking, but what do they do? Whatever they do, they're doing it now. You're looking at it.

Since the jacket is $1250, the blouse $275, the shoe $975, the tote on the right $3,380 and the rings $155-$360, the only thing you can buy on this page is ONE horn bangle at $65.

More stuff for your home: Crystal anters too pricey at $1,900? Don't have the funds for a $9,000 side table or a $2500 lucite rococo chair? You can still pick up ONE mercury glass votive candle, pre-filled with wax! Sixty bucks.

Perhaps you'd prefer ONE spice bowl ($75) or regular bowl ($55)? Or ONE napkin ring ($95)? Too bad you won't be able to get the $235 salt and pepper shakers: Thanks to the Republicans, elephants are having a year.

Vivre [Official Site]

Okay, seriously. There is no doubt that the bag is gorgeous, but I can hardly focus on it because I'm all, OMG puppy!!! Oh, are there shoes on this page? I didn't notice. And that is saying something.

Convertible tote, $228; well-bred mary-janes, $368.

Puppy! And the bag is adorable, too.

Chintz leather duffel, $188.

What we have here is a situation in which I am going to purposely ignore the hideous shoes and focus on the flowing locks of the Afghan hounds instead. Pretty!

Best-in-show boots, $318; ruffle row peep-toes, $138.

You're supposed to be looking at the belt, the bag and the shoes, not the children! But it's tough not to want to play in a treehouse in herringbone trousers now. Sigh.

Treehouse belt, $128; quilted corona bag, $448.

Well, shit. When Beyoncé had little girls wearing grown-up clothes I was annoyed; this picture just makes me go, "squee!" This girl is badass and I want to read her blog.

Flowering vine necklace, $58.

Dear silver shoes: Will you be mine?

Cherry-picked boots, $228; mercurial mary-janes, $128.

El oh el.

I might want all catalogs to have kids and dogs now.

Even though I consider Mrs. Roper to be one of my style icons, I have issues with jewelry like this. Bulbous baubles are ethereal on some people, but this necklace would make me look like a deranged mental patient. Also, if it looks like 75¢, it ought to cost 75¢.

Pearl menagerie necklace (glass, cotton, lucite, wood, brass), $68.

Oh, are we wearing blush on our temples now? I did not receive that memo.

Anthropologie [Official Site]

Whatever happened to teddy bears and toy trains? Cell phones are childs' play now.

Seriously, this is just weird. It's not like a digital camera is an aesthetically pleasing objét, like a Littman.

Just to be clear: The cinnamon roll and the Coke-toting Santa make sense, but the pizza? The peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Are those Christmas-y? The obvious "weird" winner here: The "deli sandwich."

Move over Jesus, there's another King on the tree!

Move over Elvis, there's another King on the tree! Tut, what a nut. And for the love of Horus, isn't there a conflict of interest in having a Pharaoh on a Christian symbol?

A Mayan temple. On the same page as a margarita. With all this mixing of religions, why not just throw in a Menorah????

Okay then.

"Mommy, did the dinosaurs come before or after Adam and Eve?"

Okay, okay, I know that there are plenty of Christians who believe in T. Rex. I'm just wondering about the other ones. Anyway, what's Christmas without a sense of humor, right? Otherwise, this would not exist:

[Bronner's]

Here are the $108 and $110 sequined jackets. Cute! And that dress with the white lady on it that the black girl is wearing? $238. Props for ethnic diversity, though.

Hahah, OMG, being rich is so fun! The one on the right? Her shirt says, "My dog for President." Drill, baby, drill. That jacket is $328. The jeans are $98. My jeans are 48 bucks but my mom didn't buy them for me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Juicy Couture is neither juicy nor couture. This little pink dress is $128. The cat is not included.

I did not know that there was Juicy Couture for infants. I thought it was just for pre-teens and the soccer moms who dress like them. You learn something new every day.

This bed belonging to "Emily" features a duvet cover ringing up at $615. A twin dust skirt? $430. Each sham is about $130. The "boudoir" pillow in velour with faux leather pocket and buckle detail costs $210. This sleigh bed, in full size, is $1,159. Emily gets over when the tooth fairy comes, no doubt.

Marc Jacobs! For children! That little red dress is $231; the boots are $312. The dog is all, "WTF?"

Pennies from heaven? How about dollars from Daddy? He makes it rain! Why else would a child need a $385 Burberry raincoat?

Aww, sorry, honey, I think he might be Le Gay.

I love cardigans. Love them! Sometimes I shy away from yellow because I'm not sure it can be worn with black without being all bumble-bee-ish. But this works! And it want it.
Featherweight merino sweater, $88; abstract rose-print dress, $165.

Sometimes a girl in a tie is too "Hi, my name is Marcy, may I take your order?" But this is just added interest. And! The tights! Unexpected color, so chic.
Boatneck city tee, $35; felted wool mini, $98.

Another cardigan. But with rust-colored corduroys, and not in a third grade way.
Lydia blouse, $88; stretch vintage matchstick cord, $$79.50; Serengeti midheels, $175.

Pout! This is how I want to dress. Like I am a pulled-together adult woman with a job. Instead, I lean towards muumuus and track pants. I just decided, this very minute, that I need a blouse.
Isabel blouse, $88; seaside wave locket, $55; serge pencil skirt, $128.

Okay, never mind. This is how I want to dress. Casual elegance. Easy sophistication. Half uptown, half downtown. Haha, who am I kidding? I like kitsch and platforms and drama. But a girl can dream…
Sequined chiffon-ruffled cardigan, $110; slim stretch shirt, $59.50; distressed vintage slim jean, $135.

Gorgeous! Note to self: Play with tones and textures, pair shiny with nubby/matte. Covet those dotty little heels.
Wool-cashmere shawl-collar cardigan, $145; cotton-silk lawn twisted-placket shirt, $68; trixie heels, $248; sharkskin skirt, $165.

Another tie. I think we can agree that Avril Lavigne does not own this look, that we can take it back. Am I wrong? I just think this looks sharp. I love an ensemble with a little wink, a little something that makes it different and unique. But even without the shirt and tie, this dress is great: Versatile and plain old cute.
Dream Silvie dress, $138.

You guys, I don't even like kids. Not really, anyway. I mean I used to, but then I spent so many years babysitting I got kind of burned out. But this! This is just… Sigh.

Gah. My ovaries!

Oh! Well! Hello there! I'd like to place an order for delivery…

[J. Crew]

Yeah, that's right. Uptown. Where purple and pink are hot. Where a satin big shirt is cool. Where drugs are necessary.

The Publisher's Choice: Is that Colin Farrell?

"Dude, should I wear my Avanti slacks with The Vercelli, the Griffin sweater, or both?"

S351 looks suspiciously like a throw from my mom's couch.

Note the utter lack of irony in that man's face as he models that Vaquero Jacket. Fringe is his friend.

It wasn't just in Better Off Dead. I went to prep school in the '80s. Stuff like this really happened.

My mind keeps whispering, "You mean foreign lesion. From sketchy sex."

Memo To Chuck Bass: Step it up.

Wait a second: Is that Kim Cattrall?

Is it??????

There's nothing like an intense workout! Especially when it involves wearing shimmering spandex and getting a grip on another dude. Feel the burn!

Ahem. What do you think would happen if I called right now and tried to order this item right out of 1986? Seriously. I need to know.

Earlier: The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
UnderGear: No Boxers, No Briefs... From The People Who Brought You International Male
Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'

Did you know that Rayon was the season's most important fabric in the summer of 1986? Did you know that her peculiar, unfortunate shirt was called an "angel top"? Well, now you do. International Male does God's work.

The beefy, blond Aryan type loses his appeal when he's in pseudo-military gear, in my opinion. It takes me back to when, as a wee lass, I found out Rolfe was a Nazi in the Sound Of Music. Sniff.

"It's a natural! Just as natural as what my hand is doing in my pocket right now. It must be natural — it feels so good!"

Which would you rather find out the man in your life wears: The supertrimmer? Or Le Masque? Think carefully.

Oooh, "classics"! Denim short-shorts, camo bikini undies, chest-hair revealing tank tops and "Foreign Legion" brozner. Collect 'em all!

The Key Largo shirt is mildly horrifying. The peach canvas suit is Miami Nice. But let's focus on the Dickens Glasses, shall we? Because it is taking all my power not to make a joke like, "They're called that because you wear them when you want to get a dick in you."

Isn't it funny how all the '80s styles now are on svelte, emaciated hipster boys? These fashions look so different with a little hair and brawn thrown in.

And by "For Her" they mean, "For when he feels like gettin' freaky."

Just because this kind of shock and awe is a little unorthodox doesn't mean it's ineffective.

The swimsuits of 1986 were actually quite tame when compared to what's going on over there now.

Guido Slacks. 'Nuff said.

The soft focus, the sad, subservient, irrelevant female, the women's underwear that looks like men's underwear: Genius.

A new attitude! In unnecessary glasses! And is it me, or is that shoe on the right downright obscene?

Earlier: UnderGear: No Boxers, No Briefs... From The People Who Brought You International Male
Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'

These are a few "casual" ensembles by Victoria's Secret. Cleavage is a focus in half of them, while the green number on the far right seems designed for immobility.

How Athleta does "casual": This woman is ready to walk Barcelona, hike Machu Picchu or have a glass of rosé in Rome. (A wee drab but functional.)

Vicky's workout routine: Pose like you know he's watching.

Athleta's workout routine: (Yoga) Pose like you know what you're doing.

Victoria's Secret swimwear: Barely covers the breasts; designed to expose. Note how the ladies do not get wet but just hover near the water.

Athleta's swimwear: Designed to fit. Infers that a woman can actually enter the ocean in the garments.

Another swimsuit shot: Vicky's ladies enter the water. Wearing sunglasses and bangles. But they still offer to thrust their breasts in your face and maybe even take off their bikini bottoms.

Another Athleta swimsuit shot: These women are too busy having fun to give a shit about you.

[Athleta]
[Victoria's Secret]

I'm just starting to get into Mad Men, but I can tell that this is really quite Joan-esque. Plus! It's wearable. Can't always say that about Anthro.

Grand Central cowlneck, $78; dusk-blue suede belt, $42; ruffled denim skirt, $158

"Sylvie decided that if they wouldn't give her the recipe for their incomparable Madeleines, she'd have to sneak into the kitchen to watch them being made. Little did she know that in precisely one hour, she'd be covered in flour and completely in love…"

Street poet trench, $248

Gah. Foxy.
A haiku for those violet heels:
You are gorgeous; but
You are not affordable
Thus, I sigh deeply.

Printing press sheath, $268

A ruffled cardigan is good in theory but would look absurd on some people, including yours truly.

City dweller cardigan, $118; Studio space skirt, $148

Cocktails at seven, dinner at eight. Don't have plans? Make some.

Sunless skies shift, $178

The restaurant in the background is Schiller's. I just blogged from there like 2 weeks ago. As for the mixy-matchy coat and skirt, though I'm not sure I could pull it off, I look forward to seeing people try. Black seems boring suddenly.

Diamondplate coat, $398

While I appreciate the elegant, luxurious and easy ensemble, I worry about this posture. I prefer strength to weakness as a rule.

Castellum top, $148; chalkstripe trousers, $148

That whimpering sound you hear is me, realizing this probably won't fit me. Sniffle.

High city dress, $258

Post-recession, post-modern, post-apocalyptic, post-post. But why would you trail wide-legged trousers in the detritus of humanity? What are your dry cleaning bills like?

Armarna jasmine cardigan, $128; Via Appaia trousers, $148

[Anthropologie]

Anthropologie "Giving": We Love To Hate & Hate To Love It

Remember: The fewer the sheep, the better the bedding.

Brightly colored bedding can bring some oomph to the bedroom, okay? Digging everything here except the ankle-busting bed.
Marimekko Hedwig bedding, $99.95 for a Queen set. [CB2]
Grade: 1 sheep







Another ankle-buster. Some people like pain. Bruises in the bedroom, wink, wink. As for the pattern? Meh.
Kikku bedding, $99.95 for a Queen set. [CB2]
Grade: 3 sheep







Loving this! Plush, with pops of color. Soothing, but fun. An aside: Awesome pink bedside table.
Taj linens, $24.95 - $129.00; henna pillows, $39-$59. [CB2]
Grade: 1 sheep







Delia's sometimes has really cute bedding. This isn't it.
Victorian sheet and pillow case set, $49-$99; comforter cover, $48-$78.
Grade: 4 sheep

This is some kind of test, clearly. If you are under the age of 21 and your favorite movie is Moulin Rouge, this bedding is acceptable. Otherwise: No.

French twist sheet and pillowcase set, $49-$79. comforter cover, $48-$68. [Delias]
Grade: 3 sheep

Too cutesy? Too fun? Too girly? Not if you choose the blue or the polka dots, instead of both. But why not leave it the way it is: Can you really ever have too much fun in the bedroom?
Antique chic sheets, $69 for a Queen set; comforter cover, $68. [Delia's]
Grade: 1 sheep

While this is a dreamy bed, it's a wee bit plain. Plus, putting it in the lobby of an abandoned hotel might make it hard to sleep at night.
Crowned crane bedding, $58-$348. [Anthropologie]
Grade: 2 sheep

Into hideous acid-trip nightmares? This is the bedding for you!
Iris bedding, $58-$228. [Anthropologie]
Grade: 4 sheep









Gah. All of my secret desires to be in the remake of Les Liaisons Dangereuses could be fulfilled here. I'd love un peu more color, but mon dieu! Très sexy!
Rosemallow bedding, $58-$228; Italian campaign canopy bed, $1,250-$1,898; wingback chair, $1,998; mirrored dresser, $1,298. [Anthropologie]
Grade: Zzzzzzzz.






Earllier: Pottery Barn, Anthropologie & West Elm: Bedding Porn For Sleepyheads

Most items mentioned are available in sizes XS-XXXL.

This stuff is not just for teenagers! Wear the dress to work with a cardigan; the trench with trousers. Pretend you didn't see those pre-torn jeans.

These are the jeans that you should wear with the previous trench. Plus: The Karmann-Ghia is my dream car!

Cotton blouse with lace inset! Under $32! Actually, everything on this page — except for the pre-torn jeans — is pretty great. And that includes the vintage luggage, which, sadly, is not for sale.

While all of these are cute, your best bet is the Sackrace dress. Cotton. In white or black. Up to XXXL. Forty bucks.

I have this dress. I get so many compliments on it. It's so crisp and easy and looks cool with silver bangles and gladiator sandals. Highly recommended; now on sale.

Skinny jeans! I know they are much-debated. I think they can be slimming. You may disagree. But check this out:

Wide leg, trouser cut and boot cut. From sizes 1-25. Awesome fall colors. All under $40.

More dresses! I've already ordered that drop-waist one on the left. I'll let you know how it goes.

The top and the dress are pretty great. Ixnay on the eansjay and the ootsbay.

I also ordered this blouse. Cotton! 35 bucks! I'll pair it with a pencil skirt and the kooky oxford heels I got at Payless.

[Alloy]

Look at how happy they are! Not a care in the world! I want what they have! And by that I mean $45 skinny jeans.

Cardigans are my life. Winter, spring, summer or fall. With dresses, pencil skirts, A-line skirts, jeans, sneakers, heels, evening gowns and pajamas. $39.50? I'll take one each in berry, black, oatmeal and heather gray, thanks.

Oh, and one of each on this page.

Whoa. Pass. They can't all be winners.

Even if you live in a place called OverThirty, as I do, and therefore probably won't wear this stuff, you can appreciate that there's something refreshing about these images. It's almost enough to quell a jaded soul.

Each one of these darling summer dresses is under 35 bucks. You're welcome.

Happy happy, joy, joy.

[Delias]

Fall is coming! Time to hunker down in your non-existent off-the-grid cottage and figure out a way to eat when you've spent all your cash on clothes!
We The Free bomber jacket, $248; Wild At Heart dress, $228; Barolo buckle boot, $498.

Ew. Really, there's not much more to say. I'm tempted to write something about the way impoverished (non-Western?) people wear items of clothing and put certain ensembles together in an effort to just be clothed and not in a fashion-conscious way; and we shouldn't romanticize paupers; how it is important to remember that new, unworn clothing for style purposes is a privilege not everyone on the globe is lucky to know, but really, when it comes right down to it, "Ew" is a more appropriate statement to make in this particular situation.

You have to wonder if the woman on the right knew what she was getting herself into. Was she paid? Is she a model now? Ah well, this catalog loves using people as accessories.

Looks like someone stood on the breadline and actually got bread! The difference between dressing like a Hans Christan Anderson fairy tale and living one is that the Little Match Girl could never have afforded those $498 boots. By the by, you can get a first-edition HCA book for about the same price.

Wow, schoolgirl-gone-wild. How innovative. And expensive!
Buckled up menswear dress, $148; pleated skirt dropwaist skirt, $88; diamond pointelle over the knee socks, $24.

While mixing patterns can be bold and beautiful, this combination is annoying and jarring to the eye. Plus! Does this look like a $500 ensemble to you? It's $456 not including the tights or the boots.
Road to discovery top, $68; pleated camp skirt, $98; dripping knit scarf, $78; ribbed surprise over the knee socks, $24; Scouts charm necklace, $188.

Attention people who hate skinny jeans: Look at what is coming down the pipe. Are you happy now?

These "rugged herringbone pants" are $98, but the unflattering crotch and thigh area is free with your purchase.

How much for the couch?

Really? Seriously? Dear Free People: Your "vision" for fall makes my eyes hurt.

[Free People]

Earlier: Anthropologie "Vignettes": Forcing Us To Look Forward To Fall
Free People: Someone Watched The Darjeeling Limited Before Booking This Photo Shoot
Summer At 'Free People': Crafty Crocheted Crap, At Twice The Price Of Thrift Stores!

This is an awfully sweet dress that my boobs will never fit into in a million years. Shall we focus on the (adorable, affordable) hat instead?
Quotidian dress, $168; flora fedora, $48.

Yeah, wide pants are back. Do you own a single tuckable top? Me neither.
Addeo cardigan, $118; Cobblestone wide-legs, $118.

If you can wear that sweater dress, you've got less to work with in the hip and thigh area than I do. Kudos. And please note that the sweater from the cover is really borderline crazytown spin-art.
Mazzola sweater dress, $148; Soutine cardigan, $118.

I like the tights, the skirt and the shoes. The jacket thing is not working for me. And I hate to act catty and stabby but I sort of want to punch this woman. Not the model. The "character" she is playing. Who wears stuff like that and stands like that. Fuck off.
Hope & Union jacket, $188; Sufi skirt, $128.

Ooh la la! I love this. I love cardigans! And inverted pleats, and stripes, and cute skirts, and those shoes. I always want to dress like an "insouciant ingenue," but I think if I wore this it might come off as "spinster schoolteacher."
Pisacane sweater, $118; Sweet Life skirt, $148.

There's so much hideosity I don't know where to look. At the bird, I guess. He seems to have crapped all over that dress.
Double-button sweatercoat, $128; Summer tanager dress, $158.

People keep saying that ugly is the new pretty but this shit has got to stop. I just can't get behind this pageboy on LSD thing.
Cropped button trousers, $188; Veery heeled loafers, $118.

Sure, on this model, this coat is floaty and feminine. Anyone else will look like a demented escapee from a summer theater production of Tartuffe.
Dove's flight sweatercoat, $188.

Purple peep-toe pumps? Pretty please!
Parula peep-toes, $398.
My mom would like this dress. She loves butterflies. I am not so inclined. It is not my steez, as the kids say.
Whimwing sweaterdress, $248.

Why yes, that is a mouse nestled in that shoe. This is what passes for "quirky" at Anthropologie.

Violet trenchcoat: Want.
Plum perfect trench, $268.

[Anthropologie]

Earlier: Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?
Pottery Barn, Anthropologie & West Elm: Bedding Porn For Sleepyheads
Anthropologie "Giving": We Love To Hate & Hate To Love It
Please Do Not Look The Anthropologie Model In The Eye
Anthropologie Doesn't Care About Black People

The pitch: "'A foolish consistency is the hobgolbin of little minds," observed Mr. Emerson. He might have been talking about polka dots… After much searching, we're pleased to offer these individualistic beauties from Eastern Bali… Espresso brown on a warm cream."
What it is: A white dress with brown dots.

The pitch: "One minute you're baking a batch of your signature parmesan crisps. The next, you're the empress Noor Jahan, presiding over the upper zezana terrace of a Mughal Garden of Paradise… Melting snows flow down from the mountains into long canals that crisscross acres of jasmine, marigolds, and orchids, sweet melons, groves of pistachios, all punctuated by splashing fountains."
What it is: A caftan.

The pitch: "Time to get back to the summer place. Set the clocks ahead an hour (and don't forget the VCR). Chase the mice out of the water pipes, repaint the maypole, vaccum the canoe…"
What it is: A sleeveless seersucker dress.

The pitch: "Anything was possible then. She took him hunting for blue crabs along Chesapeake Bay… They shook hands with Elektro The Mechanical Man. They gasped at the television-telephone in the Drug Store of Tomorrow…"
What it is: A short-sleeved linen shirt.

The pitch: "The invitation arrives by telegram… Mr. Porter waves you over from the piano bench; he shoos the cats ("Anything" and "Goes") onto the zebra-skin rug, pats for you to sit down…"
What it is: A rayon blouse and sateen skirt.

The pitch: "Breeding will show… Yours to wear without having to endure those tedious state dinners and prying photographers, although you must expect a certain amount of favorable attention."
What it is: A linen skirt.

The pitch: "Miss Karamanji spreads the fabric out on the counter of her brilliant little sari shop in Jaisalmer, smelling of roses and cardamom…"
What it is: Another caftan.

The pitch: "With dangling earrings and many bangles, you are Daciana, the sultry Bohemian rebel… With a long, full skirt, you are Nadia, the gypsy dancer… With lost of eye makeup and a penetrating stare, you are Madam Obolensky, the fortune teller…"
What it is: An embroidered blouse.

The pitch: "Let's start over at reel one. Brigid O'Shaughnessy walks into Sam Spade's office again, but this time she's not wearing a boxy suit. Shes wearing this knockout."
What it is: A different polka dot dress.

The pitch: "The ad team from the big London agency arrives at Little Whipping to discuss marketing plans fro Lady Margaret's homemade jellies…"
What it is: A cotton floral shirtdress.

A digital video camera! In exciting colors! And the company is called DGXUSA so it must be made in Amurrica. What do you mean it's made in China? That's crazy talk.

An eco-friendly lawn mower, perfect for punishing teenagers. Better get two.

It's not an American holiday unless you cook meat over fire. The Nu-Wave oven ought to be black and come with a smiley face T-shirt. Oh, wait, that's Nu Rave. Make that a Cure T-shirt, then. As for the year-round grill, I'd think there was a problem with it if my mind were not addled due to carbon monoxide poisoning.

It's not Memorial Day without a flag!

Oh, dear. Nothing classes up a lawn like some PVC critters.

A hammock is key for day-off lounging, but let's discuss the well. Because a well in the yard means Precious Moments™ in the house. Am I right?

Jewelry makes any holiday memorable! Get an eagle pendant to prove your patriotism. Or some CZ earrings. I love how they have a black dude for illustrative purposes, like, "Hey, it's okay for men to wear Diamonique studs. See? This black guy does it. So it must be cool."

If anyone tries to critique your grilling technique, bust a cap in 'em. Kidding! Violence is never the answer. But the threat of injury can often be effective. Just tuck the semi-automatic on the lower right into your apron or the back of your jeans. They'll get the message.

[Fingerhut]

Earlier: Christmas Shopping With Fingerhut: The Fun, The Funny & The Fugly

Pretty sure my mom had this entire outfit in the '70s. Except at a much lower price point. The tank is $38, the jeans are $198 and one of those necklaces is $268. These days, to dress like a hippie you need to be a yuppie.

I once made a "scarf" like this. I was five, and we wore working in tempera paint. I threw it away after I was done with my real artwork.

This "Tibetan Festival Dress" was "imported." I looked on the website but it wouldn't tell me what I really want to know: Was it made in China?

Dammit. I love the feathers in her hair.

These "beach totes" are $98 dollars here, or free if you go rifling through your great Aunt who dresses like Mrs. Roper's closet.

Some of the styling in this catalog is straightup crazytown. Over on the top left? Those maybe-I'm-pregnant-maybe-I'm-not layers? Thanks, but no thanks.

Everything looks good on the beach. Try wearing this on a busy city street. I mean, a $168 dress that is so bare it basically requires a cami underneath? And, frankly, she could use some pants. Shorts, at least.

The choker on the left is $398. No, I don't know why.

Maybe I don't "get it." But she looks awkward and thick and she's a model for chrissakes. Also, this outfit looks like laundry-day desperation. But between the two $48 tunics, the $128 skirt and the $354 worth of necklaces she is wearing, clearly she pays someone else to wash her clothes.

[Free People]

Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?
Free People: Someone Watched The Darjeeling Limited Before Booking This Photo Shoot

1. A bikini with a face on the butt.
One question: Is this an upgrade or a downgrade from having "Juicy" on your ass?
Insight Tura bikini, $88

2. Candy-colored sunglasses.
There's nothing wrong with fun sunglasses. Especially during summer, for crying out loud! It's a time to be silly. But maybe the Olsens, Kiki Dunst and Ashlee Simpson have ruined them? Or maybe it's the brain-dead expression on this model's face. I'm suspicious of colorful frames now. I think maybe they render you dumb.
Crystal frame sunglasses, $$18; neon gradient sunglasses, $14; twilght aviators, $14; golden ratio sunglasses, $14.

3. High-waisted short-shorts.
This seems self-explanatory. When there is more fabric above the crotch than below, you've got a problem.
Top: Covet Bamboo highrise short, $98
Bottom: Lux cult classic short, $48.

4. A lace leotard.
An item named after a David Lynch movie is always going to be problematic.
Wild at heart one-piece, $28.