• Nene and Kim might get evicted from Real Housewives Of Atlanta?!?! Aren't they the most entertaining ones?

Oh: They're demanding more money than Bravo wants to shell out. Hmm. Anyways, Bravo is looking for new wealthy/notable Atlanta housewives, though Usher's ex-wife Tameka Foster isn't being considered: Apparently "Tameka isn't very popular in Atlanta," and all the "housewives" said they'd leave the show if she were cast. OUCH. [Gatecrasher]

• BREAKING: John Mayer was seen talking to Kim Kardashian. She is happy with Reggie Bush, however. [Page Six]
• A hip NYC cafe is being sued by a waitress who claims she had her hours cut after she refused to date the "Butterscotch Stallion," Owen Wilson. [Page Six]
• Oprah won't win an Oscar for "producing" Precious because she signed on to do so after the film was shot, which disqualifies her (and Tyler Perry). [NY Post]
• By the by: Oprah's ratings are down. [NY Post]
• I like the way Josh Brolin is looking at Matt Damon in this Entertainment Weekly pic from a story about the documentary project The People Speak. [Gatecrasher]
• A former nanny claims that Christie Brinkley ignored the fact that Alexa Joel was becoming a troubled child. [Page Six]
• Mischa Barton was seen knocking back shots and drinking margaritas and a source says "she looked healthy and in control." Whatever that means. [Page Six]
• Wendy Williams got breast implants when she was 14. FOURTEEN. fourteen years ago. Sigh. Misleading headline! [Gatecrasher via People]
• The company which has the rights to distribute shirts, posters and other things with Michael Jackson on 'em is suing EVERYONE who is "bootlegging" items. [TMZ]
• A California appeals court is considering whether Roman Polanski's case can be dismissed without him being present. [CNN, LA Times]
• Kendra Wilkinson has given birth to Hank Randall Baskett IV. [Ok!, People]
• Inevitable? Tiger Woods paramour Rachel Uchitel is in negotiations to pose for Playboy. [Extra]
• Another (unnamed) woman who had a relationship with Tiger Woods has hired Gloria Allred as her lawyer. [Radar Online]
• Porn star Holly Sampson is not denying anything; she confirms that she and Tiger Woods were "intimate." In addition, in some old video clip she says that Tiger is the whitest black boy you've ever met. His teeth are perfect and he's the perfect gentleman." Then she points to her crotch and says: "He's beautiful ... beautiful everything." [Us Magazine]
• Hollywood madam Michelle Braun says that at least two of Tiger Woods' hookups — Jamie Jungers and Holly Sampson — were high-end escorts. [TMZ]
• Oh, and Michelle Braun says that Tiger was a client, and paid $60,000 for her high-priced hookers. [E!, NY Daily News, NY Post]
• Holly Sampson: "Although I enjoyed our time together, I never was and never will be one of Tiger's mistresses. I resent being put in the same category as the other women." This is because their hookups took place before he was married. [TMZ]
• "Tiger Woods has come clean to his stunning Swedish wife about ALL of his dirty horndogging, porn-star loving, cocktail-waitress chasing and general catting around with scads of ladies, according to a report." [NY Post via People]
• TLC was granted an injunction against Jon Gosselin, which — thank Zeus — bars Jon from making any more appearances like that embarrassing pool party thing. [Extra, AP]
• You may have heard that Chris Brown did a radio interview in which the DJ asked him about Rihanna — and Chris promptly hung up. Audio at the link. [TMZ]
• Jeff Bridges plays a washed-up country singer named Bad Blake in new movie Crazy Heart, and says his mom didn't like one of his most famous characters, The Dude, and "probably wouldn't like Bad, either. She liked to see her son play the president or a doctor-like any old mom, you know." [WSJ]
• Q: You've been married to the same woman for 32 years. Rule #1 for staying together in Hollywood? 
Jeff Bridges: "Don't get a divorce. That will keep you together, you know." [WSJ]
• "Michael Barrett, 48, Will Plead Guilty To Stalking For Secretly Making Nude Film Of ESPN Reporter [Erin Andrews]; Faces 5 Years In Jail." [CBS News]
• Brad Paisley has the number one album on Time's Top 100 Albums list. [Time]
• The Princess And The Frog is the number one movie on Time's Top 100 movies list. (Up is number 2, so, yay! animation.) [Time]
• Lil Wayne's new album, Rebirth, has been delayed. Again. [Reuters]
• RIP Flight Of The Conchords. Show collaborator James Bobin says: "While the characters Bret and Jemaine will no longer be around, the real Bret and Jemaine will continue to exist." Quietly sob while you watch this video the guys made for us, the ladies of the world. Redheads not warheads! Blondes not bombs! Brunettes not fighter jets! [NY Times]
• RIP It's On With Alexa Chung, which I actually thought didn't seem so bad, although I only saw it once or twice. [Variety]
• Russell Crowe is an a "laughable weepie" of a movie this columnist calls a "mawkish blunder." [NY Post]
• "I'm not picky, quite honestly. It's simply that I recognize pretty quickly the stuff that I don't like. And I also recognize the impulse that is dragging me towards a piece of work. And perhaps as you get older, that impulse comes less often." — Daniel Day-Lewis sounds kind of picky about his acting roles. [Guardian]
• "I am not proud of being rich." — Ricky Gervais. [Page Six]
• "There's no question that the recession has had an effect on the arts, especially on British films. Things are not being greenlit as much and it is more difficult for people to get work. When you go abroad people always talk with such love about British theatre, but the irony is that it's not appreciated by the Government as it should be. The state of the arts has always been, and will always be, precarious. But there is something so alarming about the huge cuts made to companies, particularly when you read of the astronomical amounts some people are earning, like bankers… I am concerned that they've taken a lot of the subsidy to the arts away for the Olympics. It's been siphoned off." — Dame Judi Dench is is calling for arts funding to be fixed. [Times Of London]
• "The Internet is full of humorists. They've risen from the earth. They've fallen from the skies. Anyone can write anything, anytime they want. Blogs that are angry—which maybe half of them are—wear out. What people keep going back to are writers who are funny. That's a great thing." — Garrison Keillor. At the link, he reveals why he wears red shoes. [Time]
• "I'm doing well, you know, because I'm committed to it and they're lovely, lovely people, its been nice. Obviously when I heard that my girlfriend had preacher parents, I thought well this has got a huge scope for disaster, but it's actually been quite good so far. Its been really good actually, in retrospect its been one of my favorite years, [the highlight was] meeting Katy. She's amazing. I'm having a right laugh. She's a good person to spend time with and its changed me - it's made me stop doing stuff that I probably shouldn't have been doing." — Russell Brand. [Daily Mail]
• "I didn't get cast in Shakespeare, but [my teacher Mrs. Rodriguez] cast me later in Oliver… There are a lot of people in my life who are surprised that I am where I am, but Mrs. Rodriguez would not be. I wish more than anything that she truly knew how much I really loved her for the gift that she gave me." — America Ferrera "held back tears" as she spoke at a New York Women In Film lunch; her teacher died of cancer before America became a star. [Page Six]
• "WOW... THIS IS REALLY FLATTERING... I'VE HAD SOME UPS AND DOWNS THIS YEAR, WELL ACTUALLY THIS DECADE. JUST SEEING THIS COVER TAKES ME BACK TO THAT TIME OF MY LIFE. I REMEMBER HOW MUCH PAIN AND LOVE WENT INTO THIS ALBUM. NO ONE SAW IT COMING. THIS PROJECT WASN'T ABOUT ME, IT WAS ABOUT A TIME IN PEOPLES LIVES WHERE PEOPLE FORCE OPINIONS ON YOU AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE CHOICES FOR YOURSELF. WE LOVED 50 CENT BUT WE WANTED TO BE THE YANG. WE WANTED TO WEAR PINK POLOS AND RAP ABOUT BEING HURT INSTEAD BEING INVINCIBLE. THERE WAS A CORE GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON THIS ALBUM EVERYDAY.... PLAIN PAT, JOHN MONOPOLY, DON CRAWLEY, ANTHONY KILHOFFER, MANNY MARROQUIN, JOHN LEGEND, DEVON HARRIS, RYHMEFEST, GEE ROBERSON, HIP HOP, AL BRANCH, DAMON DASH, GABE TESORIERO, CRAIG BAUER, GLC, OL' SCHOOL ICE GREE, CONSEQUENCE, B NICE AND MY MOM. I WAS MOST INSPIRED BY THE MISEDUCATION OF LAURYN HILL AND I LISTENED TO THAT ALBUM EVERYDAY WHILE WORKING ON MY DEBUT. THANK YOU FOR THIS ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND FOR PUTTING "THE BLUEPRINT" ON THE LIST ALSO. I LOVED "THE LOVE BELOW' AND "GET RICH OR DIE TRYING" ALSO. THEY BOTH EQUALLY DESERVED THE NUMBER ONE SPOT IN MY EYES BUT THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE NUMBER ONE!!!" — Your friend Kanye West is kind of excited about Entertainment Weekly naming his CD, The College Dropout, the top album of the decade. [KanyeUniverseCity]

• Though "sources" recently claimed Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal had broken up, an insider now says, "Jake is planning to pop the question over the holidays and couldn't be more excited."

The source continues, "Her children love him, his family loves her and now it's time to make it official... Reese is a traditional sort of lady, which is one of the many things Jake adores about her, and Christmas is her favorite holiday." [Popeater]

• Break out the champagne: A Maryland Judge granted TLC's request for a preliminary injunction against Jon Gosselin this afternoon, so Jon must stop making media appearances that violate his contract with the network. Jon skipped the hearing and his lawyers didn't present any evidence. A trial is scheduled for April 19. [AP]
• Here's what Jon missed: TLC's lawyer said by the end of Jon and Kate Plus 8, the network was paying the family $22,500 per episode, not $75,000 as Jon has claimed. The network's reps also offered a run down of every embarrassing thing Jon did in the past few months that "made the show look bad," explaining, "photos of Jon Gosselin with scores of bikini-clad women was inconsistent with our image brand of our show." [Radar Online]
• In other news, sources say the Gosselin kids no longer believe in Santa. [Us]
• Rachel Uchitel's friend Ashley Sampson was the first person to give an on-the-record interview about Tiger Woods cheating. Rachel tried to cover up their affair by saying she barely knew Ashley and calling her a drug abuser, and now she may sue Rachel for defamation. "Ashley told the truth and Rachel trashed her and lied," said a source. "That made Ashley furious." [Radar Online]
• It appears Rachel Uchitel is moving. She was spotted lugging suitcases and picking up a ton of dog food. [TMZ]
• Jamie Jungers, another woman linked to Tiger Woods, will tell her story on Today, then sell it to a magazine. There's a rumor going around that Tiger paid for her liposuction, but her rep denies it. [Radar Online]
• In an interview with Extra, Jaimee Grubbs said she's "deeply sorry" for having an affair with Tiger Woods. "I couldn't describe how remorseful that I am to have hurt her family and her emotionally... [but] if it wasn't me, it was going to be other girls. I did care about him. I didn't do it for superficial reasons. I didn't do it to purposely hurt [Elin]," said Grubbs. [Radar Online]
• Tiger Woods' mom Kultida Woods flew from L.A. to Atlanta today. [Radar Online]
• Poor Tiger: The scandal has forced him to cover up the name on his yacht. [Radar Online]
• If you're keeping track, the following stars still support Tiger Woods: Donald Trump, Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, and Wylef Jean. Diddy says: "Ye without sin cast the 1st stone!!!! Put down your rocks sinners!!!!! Tiger keep your head up! God bless your fam Black man!" [Us]
• You can start holding your breath: Kourtney Kardashian's baby is expected "any minute," according to Khloe Kardashian. [Radar Online]
• The mother of Lamar Odom's two children ripped apart a recent story from Life & Style about Khloe Kardashian bonding with the kids. "My daughter met Khloe for about 10-15 minutes... I don't think a 15 minute meet and greet with a child can be defined as a bonding experience for anyone," said Liza Morales. Though the article claimed Khloe hadn't met Lamar Jr. because he was "too young to travel," Morales says, "The truth is my 8-year-old son told me he didn't want to meet her at that time." [Radar Online]
• Gisele Bunchen's mom and aunt visited her and Tom Brady in Boston for the birth of their child. Her aunt says: "He's a beautiful, healthy boy." Gisele's dad, who stayed in Brazil, says, "We don't know the name yet. I don't have all the details. But obviously when someone is born into the family, it makes us all happy." [People]
• At a press conference today Tom Brady called his son's birth "a wonderful experience in my life," and said they still haven't picked out a name. [Us]
• Shawne Merriman is suing Tila Tequila because he says she lied about claims that he "choked and attacked" her. But rather than suing her for defamation, he's going after her for intentional interference with contract and unfair competition because he says she was trying to ruin his career. [TMZ]
• Courtenay Semel thinks Tila Tequila's engagement to Casey Johnson is a stunt. "We're talking about the biggest fame whore in LA, and the other one — I think she's just lost her mind!" said Semel. [Radar Online]
• BREAKING: Taylor Swift straightened her hair. [People]
• Richard Heene, Mark Sanford, Jon Gosselin and Glenn Beck made FAIL Blog's list of 2009's biggest losers, and Imma let them finish, but KANYE WEST WAS VOTED THE TOP FAIL PERSON OF THE YEAR! [People]
• Alicia Keys says of Beyonce, who recorded a duet with Keys for her new album, "Her and I together was like reunited sisters - most people get in the studio and don't get a chance to really collaborate, be in one room, we were in one room having a ball." [The Mirror]
• Several bouncers at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club in Atlantic City have been fired after video surfaced of them beating two men in the club's parking lot last month. [TMZ]
• A source says of Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan, "They are getting to know each other... He's a nice guy." [Extra]
• Chris Brown called in to a Seattle radio station to promote his new album, but when the DJ asked about Rihanna, Chris said, "I'm really done talking about the whole situation ... I'm just moving forward." The DJ replied: "Fuck that, did Rihanna throw you under the bus or what?" And Chris' handlers hung up. [TMZ]
• Though there is no official Susan Boyle merchandise, there is an estimated £5 million a year market for Boyle-themed merchandise. [Blackbook Magazine]
• Pamela Anderson is doing a two week stint as the Genie of the Lamp in a London performance of Aladdin, but she cancelled her two premiere performances due to unspecified "issues." [Daily Express]
• Pamela Bach has been charged with DUI for failing a breathalyzer test on November 28. Since she has a prior DUI from earlier this year, she'll do a minimum of five days in jail if convicted. [TMZ]
• Axl Rose missed a soundcheck last night in Taiwan for an upcoming Guns n' Roses concert. It may be because he got into a fight with a paparazzo at LAX that "ended up with a few bloodied participants." [Rolling Stone]
• James Caan's wife Linda Cann is requesting full custody of their two minor children in their divorce. [TMZ]
• In Barbara Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People" special last night, Lady Gaga was shown kissing a woman, but Adam Lambert kissing a dude at the AMAs was edited out. An ABC rep says: "It was an editorial decision to show very little from the performance and focus on the fresh, new interview with Adam Lambert," though much of the interview was about the kiss. He continued: "The Lady Gaga kiss was used quickly in context of things that upset her father." [TMZ]
• The Lilith Fair is coming back this summer and the lineup includes Mary J. Blige, Sarah McLachlan, and Sheryl Crow. Check out the full list here: [Perez Hilton]
• Amanda Peet announced she and her husband David Benioff are expecting their second child. [Perez Hilton]
• James Van Der Beek is dating model Kimberly Brook. [People]
• Miley Cyrus' song "The Climb," which was featured in Hannah Montana: The Movie was replaced in the Grammy nominations for best song written for a soundtrack by "All Is Love," which Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs wrote for Where The Wild Things Are. Miley's people say the song was submitted in that category by mistake, but the Grammy organization didn't offer any explanation. [People]
• Spike Jonze says he and Dave Eggers didn't speak to any children before writing the screenplay for Where The Wild Things Are. "I think it's interesting because not having children - Dave and I didn't have children at the time - we wrote it from our memories of childhood as opposed to our experiences as a parent observing a kid," he said. [The Independent]
• Jenifer Lewis didn't exactly crash President Obama's inauguration, but she did manage to trick security. Her seat was far from center stage, "So I went over to a Marine, and I told a fib and said that I left my credentials on the plane. And he was standing there at attention with that beautiful uniform on. His head tilted just a little. He didn't want to break formation. And he said, 'Aunt Helen?' He happened to be a 'Fresh Prince' fanatic. And he proceeded to escort me 30 feet from the podium." [CBS News]
• "I've lived with people speculating about my health for decades, and I don't say this with sarcasm, but sadly, I've outlived so many who have prematurely buried me," says Elizabeth Taylor. "There are so many things in the world that are more important than my health watch." [USA Today]
• "I always felt like a very ordinary looking girl, and I found that dressing in a unique way made me feel less ordinary and more glamorous," says Dita Von Teese, adding, "I also used clothes as a way to counteract my extreme shyness when I was younger. I wore a lot of extravagant vintage hats, which can make people somewhat intimidated. I think people will only approach if they have something very, very interesting to say to the girl in the outrageous hat!" [People]
• Meryl Streep drank a martini at a party after a New York screening of It's Complicated "I had to," she said, "to get through this." Also, when someone yelled "It's hard to be Queen," at Meryl, she shot back, "I wouldn't want her problems, believe me!" [Showbiz 411]
• When he was in college, Eli Roth of Inglourious Basterds worked as a sex chat room operator, posing as a woman. "They hired guys because guys know what other guys want to hear," Roth said. "The creepy thing was, because this was in 1991, we only got doctors and scientists because they were the ones using the Internet." [BBC]
• Here are some words of wisdom by 50 Cent from Esquire's "What I've Learned" column: "Always have bail money," "Money is freedom. Money is a private plane. Money is no metal detection," and "Being shot defines how strong I am. It prepares you for the confusion of being an artist." [Esquire]

Radar Online has obtained the legal documents from Jon Gosselin's response to TLC's breach of contract lawsuit. The two documents were filed by lawyers Mark Heller and the unfortunately-named Christopher A. Hostage in Maryland, where Heller is not licensed to practice law.

The first document reveals that when the Gosselins renegotiated their salary in April 2008, the network agreed to pay them $22,500 per half-hour episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 and $45,000 per one hour episode. Jon claims that TLC still owes him $175,000.

In Jon's answer to TLC's request for a preliminary injunction against him, his lawyers argue the original contract the Gosselins signed in 2005, is "unconscionable and therefore unenforceable" because the entire family was only paid $2,000 per episode and at the time "Mr. & Mrs. Gosselin... were unrepresented and unsophisticated."

Jon accuses TLC of failing to obtain location permits to film in the Gosselin home, not filing permits required under Pennsylvania's child labor laws, and a series of other violations that paint the network's actions as heartless, if not criminal. The document claims that TLC's contract was written so that it:

... Might preclude the children from pursuing academic, athletic, or religious pursuits that may be scheduled in conflict with [TLC]'s filming schedule.

And that because the Gosselin home was used as a location, the network:

Would not allow Mr. Gosselin or his family to take pictures at their home... thereby, Mr. Gosselin could not photograph or record his own family moments and hallmark events in his family's life.

The document says TLC paid "the family," rather than the children specifically, in an effort to dodge child labor laws. It's pointed out that Pennsylvania is currently investigating whether the show broke these laws after receiving an anonymous tip,

Which may have resulted from a raw clip of video footage from [Jon and Kate Plus 8] that appeared on the internet, which may be viewed at the following internet website http://www.youtube.com/watchv=WG2r87KkDKQ, which video footage depicts one of the children being denied water while pleading for same, during the staging and filming of [TLC]'s show.

That refers to this clip:



It's not like TLC sipped water in front of a pack of thirsty children. On the other hand, the kids wouldn't have been thirsty in the first place if no one wanted to interview them about Jon and Kate Plus 8. Now, after four and a half years of this shoddy treatment [and being fired from the show], Jon won't take it anymore:

[TLC is a] huge, multinational corporate conglomerate... while Mr. Gosselin... is an unsophisticated father of eight children, who is also known as "David" in this instant lawsuit between "David and Goliath."

Well, "unsophisticated" seems about right.

The contract is quoted as saying the Gosselins can appear on news and talk shows on other networks as long as they coordinate their appearances with TLC's press department and are identified as being from Jon and Kate Plus 8. The document claims Mark Heller faxed information about Jon's appearances to TLC and its "press department's failure to do any 'coordinating' is not a breach by Mr. Gosselin."

It goes on to say that if TLC is allowed to prevent Jon from making other TV appearances it will cause him "severe and unbalanced harm" because:

Mr. Gosselin will be unable to earn a living as a television personality, and therefore be precluded from supporting his eight children, whereas [TLC] currently has its show on "indefinite hiatus."

There's no mention of the "severe and unbalanced harm" Jon is causing the public by earning his living as a television personality. The document concludes with this impassioned plea:

Righteous, law-abiding, good citizens journey to seek the most coveted privileges of an American — which are equity, fairness, and justice, on the precondition that they reach out with clean hands to Honorable Justices and therefore, are worthy of the Court's consideration. However, here, [TLC]'s hands are so sullied, polluted and infected with wrong doing, deception, heavy handedness, unconscionability, and disregard for the Public's Interest, that the only resolve that justice should mandate is that [TLC]'s infected hands be amputated.

As far as we know, judges can't sentence people to "hand amputation" in this country, but Jon's point stands: it's the unalienable right of every American to agree to put their family on a reality show, violate their contract, overrun the media with reports of their ridiculous behavior, and drag their problems through the American legal system.

EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS: Read Jon Gosselin's $5 Million Lawsuit Against TLC! [Radar Online]
EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS: TLC Broke The Law Jon Gosselin Charges In New Court Papers [Radar Online]

• Lindsay Lohan is speaking out about her dad. "I hate him so much," she told Gossip Cop. And:

"My father knows nothing other than how to sell stories for money instead of getting a real job like normal people do, including myself." [MSNBC via Gossip Cop]

• Dina Lohan called TMZ last night and said that Michael Lohan releasing these old phone conversations is "so hurtful" and that for him to use a moment of weakness of his own child is "inconceivable." She also said that all of the calls were before Lindsay went to Cirque Lodge for rehab, and that Lindsay thinks that the whole situation is sad. Dina pointed out that she was a victim of domestic abuse when she was married to Michael, and for her to see him hurting her daughter is "unforgivable." [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, there's new phone recording audio on Radar, courtesy of Michael Lohan. Dina says of Lindsay: "Time is running out with this kid." [Radar Online]
• For the love of blond. WHY? Why is Al Roker going to interview Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt again? As you may recall, Al talked to the two in June — video here — and afterward, Heidi accused him of sexism, when really he was treating them BOTH as vacuous nincompoops. Because they are. Gah. [Us]
• Lou Dobbs quit CNN abruptly last night. [NY Post]
• The Perry-Brands — Katy and Russell — have "secretly" recorded a duet of Edward Lear's 1871 poem The Owl And The Pussycat. Russell's part goes, "'Oh lovely Pussy! Oh Pussy my love, what a beautiful Pussy you are." A "source" says: "They often use the nicknames Owl and Pussycat. Russell is 'Owl' because he's wise and, well, it's fairly obvious that Katy's a sex kitten, isn't it?" [The Sun]
• Carrie Prejean was on Larry King Live last night, and when Larry King asked about her settlement with Miss California USA, she unplugged her mic and threatened to walk off the show. Her haughty self-righteousness makes me want to scream. [TMZ]
• Carrie Prejean's ex-boyfriend says that she called him last week and tried to get him to lie and say she was 17 when she shot her "solo sex tape." Maybe she was hoping it wouldn't get released if she was a minor? In any case, she was 20 when the footage was shot. [TMZ]
• Jon Gosselin is accusing TLC of violating child labor laws. He also claims that during filming, TLC wouldn't let him take pictures at home… meaning he "could not photograph or record his own family moments and hallmark events in his family's life." [Radar Online]
• Tara Reid has a German internet entrepreneur/billionaire boyfriend, to whom she may or may not be engaged. She is currently wearing a "massive" pink diamond ring and "was overheard" talking about her engagement. The ring is here, and it is indeed a whopper. [Daily telegraph, via E!]
• Mike Tyson has been detained on suspicion of battery after an incident and LAX — involving paparazzi. Few details at the moment, stay tuned. [USA Today]
• Oh wait here we go: Mike Tyson and a photographer made citizen's arrests of one another! The snapper was taking his picture in the terminal, and Mike allegedly punched the guy in the face with one hand, knocking him to the ground. The photographer suffered a laceration to the forehead and went to the hospital; Mike was booked at a nearby LAPD station and then released. He'd been traveling with his wife and 10-month-old baby. His rep says: "Mr. Tyson did absolutely nothing wrong, he was the victim in this case." [People]
• Susan Boyle has a stalker, "a middle-aged American woman who has become obsessed with her." Or maybe she dreamed a dream? [The Sun]
• Taylor Swift was named the Country Music Awards entertainer of the year and won all four awards for which she was nominated. [NY Daily News]
• Meryl Streep to a 9-year-old reporter: "That's the most sophisticated question that anyone in this entire press line has asked me. Really, really good." [Page Six]
• If you are interested in stalking Jared Leto, this list of his favorite places in New York should make the job a lot easier. [BlackBook]
• Ron Livingston and Rosemarie DeWitt were married November 2 in San Francisco. [People]
• Ashley Jensen, aka Christina on Ugly Betty, Maggie on Extras and Olivia on Accidentally On Purpose, has given birth to a son, Francis Jonathan Beesley — whose nickname is "Frankie Jack." [People]
• Eddie Murphy has had a long-term effect on ad agency diversity, and this piece explains how. It's kind of awesome. [Ad Age]
• Back in June, Gene Simmons said that coming out would ruin Adam Lambert's career; now Glambert is calling Gene "obnoxious" and a "hypocrite," adding "He's not the greatest singer. He's a good businessman, I'll give him that." [Gatecrasher via Rolling Stone]
• Joss Whedon's Dollhouse: Cancelled. [NY Daily News]
• Jay Leno's new show has "limp" ratings; David Letterman's ratings remain strong despite his scandal. [NY Daily News]
• The late Dominick Dunne outs himself in his autobiographical novel, which comes out December 15. The main character is "deep in the closet." Earlier this year, Dunne told the Times of London: "I call myself a closeted bisexual celibate… That's just the way I am. At 83, it's too late to start on a new path." [Page Six]
• Rumor has it Marc Christian, the lover of Hollywood icon Rock Hudson, has died of a drug overdose. More info to come, hopefully. [Michael Musto]
• "My grandmother once told me, you should be honest with your kids, but you don't bare your soul to them." — Jon Gosselin. [NY Post]
• "I used to drink an awful lot of coffee, but I was told after the age of 40 you have to be careful with coffee and wine. Apparently, that can be one of the reasons older women get bloated around their stomach… I don't miss having a glass of wine because I've switched to vodka. I don't really like vodka that much but if I'm at a party I have a small one with a lot of fizzy water and a huge squeeze of lime. Initially it's like medicine but I've got used to it now." — Liz Hurley. [Daily Mail]
• "I always said in my life that when it doesn't feel joyous any more, then it will be time to quit. But the joy is getting better and better." — Clarence Clemons, 67, who still tours with Bruce Springsteen and the E street band, though both knees have been replaced and he spent a long time in a wheelchair. He also says: "I'll be 70 years old in a couple of years. I don't know how much energy I'll have left. That energy, I want to spend with my family. [But] I really believe that this is something that is going to go on forever. When I say `retiring,' I don't mean `stop playing music.'" [AP]
• "At school when a teacher asked me a question I would almost pass out. I was terrible and I still can be. It overwhelms me. I can be having dinner with people and I find I can't say a word. So being an actress is kind of masochistic." — French bombshell Eva Green is super shy and hates being the center of attention. [Daily Express]
• "I was at a movie and a woman was whispering to a man the entire time what was going on-like 'Oh, he's walking through the door now, look, he's doing this, he's doing that.' And I got so mad that as they were rolling credits, I turned around and said, 'Thank you for the ongoing commentary.' And the guy said, 'I'm blind!' and I said, 'Well, then, sit in the back.' My friend who I was with was mortified. I don't know where that came from — my Sue Sylvester came streaming out. I'm telling a blind woman she can't sit up here with the rest of us who can see." — Jane Lynch. [Double X]
• "Everybody bitches about everything." — Stephen King, on the Internet. [Page Six]

• Jon Gosselin is demanding TLC stop filming Jon and Kate. He posted a sign on his gate reading, "NOTICE: NO FILM CREW OR PRODUCTION STAFF FROM TLC IS PERMITTED ON THIS PROPERTY UNDER PENELTY [sic] OF TRESPASS. JOHNATHON [sic] GOSSELIN"

• Last week Jon was fine with his kids filming, but now that he's been dropped from Kate Plus 8 he suddenly doesn't want his kids to be on camera. [TMZ]
• Jon Gosselin's manager, Mike Heller, told Perez Hilton: "Jon Gosselin is the new David and TLC is the new Goliath. Jon is empowered by his new attorney, Mark Jay Heller, to take back control of his family. Even if it means the revenue stream will be cut off. Jon's priority is family not money. THIS IS NOT A NEGOTIATION TACTIC TO get more money from TLC. We are completely cutting ties with TLC. This is something that he has been trying to do for a while now." [Perez Hilton]
• TLC responded: "We are aware of Jon Gosselin's recent statements, and remain deeply disappointed at his continued erratic behavior. He and the family were shooting as recently as last Friday, without incident, and his latest comments are grossly inaccurate, without merit and are clearly opportunistic... Despite Jon Gosselin's repeated self destructive and unprofessional actions, he remains under an exclusive contract with TLC. Direct filming of the children has been currently suspended, pending further conversations between both parents." [People]
• Kate Gosselin is similarly disappointed in Jon. She says: "I'm saddened and confused by Jon's public media statements. Jon has never expressed any concerns to me about our children being involved in the show and, in fact, is on the record as saying he believes the show benefits our children and was taping on Friday with the kids. I check in regularly with each of the kids to be sure they want to participate in and continue with the show and will continue to do so..." [People]
• Michael Lohan has weighed in on the matter saying, "All I can tell you from my conversation with him two days ago is that he does want to pursue the Divorced Dads Club... Michael Heller, he and I represent Jon on a business level, wants him to do the show. Mark is trying to get him out of the TLC contract so he can." [Radar Online]
• Sources from both sides are explaining what's really going on... or rather, their version of events. TLC sources say Jon Gosselin wanted off the show so the network offered to give him his full paycheck and take him off Jon and Kate Plus 8. But they wouldn't let Jon do any other reality show, which Jon found unacceptable. His lawyer threatened to shut down production by claiming the show wasn't good for the kids. Jon sources say the kids really have been complaining about the show, and that the show being renamed Kate Plus 8 means they'll have to be on camera a lot more to fill the void left by Jon. [TMZ]
• The most shocking thing about Michael Jackson's autopsy? He was actually pretty healthy. His heart and other organs were strong and functioning normally and at 136 lbs he was in the acceptable weight range for a 5-foot-9 man. He had arthritis in his lower back and some fingers and his lungs were chronically inflamed and had reduced capacity, but his lung condition wasn't serious enough to contribute to his death. As this is MJ, there has to be something odd: He had tattooed on eyeliner, eyebrows, and lipliner and covered a bald spot with a tattoo from ear to ear. [AP, The Telegraph]
• In a new interview with Britain's Channel 4, La Toya Jackson says that in the hospital after Michael Jackson died, Paris told her, "The cardiologist was the best, so how could this happen? What happened is they worked him too hard. He never got the chance to rest. It was non-stop work." La Toya continues, "She said, 'No, you don't understand. They kept working him and Daddy didn't want that, but they worked him constantly'. I felt so bad." [The Mirror]
• Michael Bearden, the musical director for Michael Jackson's "This Is It" tour, says the coroner's finding prove that the allegations Michael was too weak to perform weren't true and he was definitely up for performing 50+ concerts. [TMZ]
• The Jackson kids spent time with their longtime nanny, Grace Rwaramba, yesterday. [TMZ]
• Emma Watson was "quite shaken" when a group of students from the Harvard Voice stalked her at a Harvard-Brown football game. They Tweeted the progress of their "stalking mission" and posted a picture of her, calling it a "success." [Extra]
• The Voice says that their Emma Watson-stalking live blog was a "parody." The magazine responded to complaints left on their website writing, "There seems to be much ado about nothing over this photo and liveblog. Understand that these live tweets were made to be intentionally outrageous and overblown." [People]
• Could a prenup put an end to Kevin Jonas' plans to marry Danielle Deleasa? She hasn't signed yet and is reportedly taking time to come "to terms with the request." [Perez Hilton]
• Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Colin Egglesfield got "touchy-feely" between filming scenes on Melrose Place. Watch out Pete, a source says she was even doing the "hair flip thing!" [Star]
• David Copperfield wants a judge to temporarily shelve a personal injury lawsuit filed by a woman who says he sexually assaulted her on his private island because Department of Justice prosecutors are already investigating the case. [The Smoking Gun]
• Ryan Jenkins' father has hired a private investigator because he refuses to believe that his son killed Jasmine Fiore. He says, "We just want the truth to be told ... It is just unfathomable to us that he could be responsible for anything that has been reported." [TMZ]
• John Travolta's lawer Michael McDermott testified today that the plot to blackmail Travolta was hatched because one of the defendants was star struck. McDermott says paramedic Tarino Loightbourne kept the document instead of turning it in because it was singed by a celebrity and he thought it was evidence that Travolta had either killed his son or recognized he was negligent in his death. [TMZ]
• Dennis Hopper's manager says he's "feeling much better" after checking into the hospital yesterday. He had severe flulike symptoms and was treated for dehydration. [AP]
• Randy and Evi Quaid's former private investigator claims that they scammed an 87-year-old lady named Lois. She says, "Lois worked out an agreement with Randy and Evi that they would rent her mobile home for $1,000 a month... But they never paid her and they left her place a disaster. To take advantage of an 87-year-old lady who trusted them like that is really sad." [Radar Online]
• Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi is pregnant. Her rep says, "she is carrying her first child after years of struggling with endometriosis, a cause for which she has co-founded the Endometriosis Foundation of America. As a result of her condition, this pregnancy has been referred to by her physician as nothing short of a medical miracle, and due to its delicate nature, we ask/implore the press to respect Ms. Lakshmi's privacy at this time." [Us]
• Flavor Flav dropped out of high school in 10th grade and now he's shopping a reality show about going back to school. So basically this will be a Strangers With Candy reality show. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Bethenny Frankel is getting her own reality show. It doesn't have a title yet but "will showcase her career as a natural foods chef, as well as the Gotham socialite's love life." [N.Y. Magazine]
• Intrawest, which operates nine ski resorts including the one Natasha Richardson died at six months ago, will implement a new rule this season, recommending that all skiers and snowboarders wear helmets. [AP]
• A preliminary hearing in the Anna Nicole Smith drug case against Howard K. Stern will be held on October 13. [TMZ]
• Ryan Seacrest hit on Madonna on his radio show today and she told him he's "too old" for her. She says she's dating a 22-year-old because, "Younger people are more adventurous. Have you met many guys my age? They're usually grumpy and fat and balding." She says as long as men are "old enough to dress themselves" she'll date them. She adds, "My body is a part of my job. I look in the mirror and say "more work.....less cake, more work." On the topic of Kanye West she says he's "impulsive" and that she wants to "give him a good talking to" because "he needs to put a lid on it." Finally she explains that she didn't notice Ryan in the front row of her concert because Jennifer Lopez was giving her "sharp looks." [KIISFM]
• Michael Bay announced on his website today that Transformers 3 will come out a year earlier than expected and wrote in a postscript (that came before his signature for some reason) "P.S. Megan Fox, welcome back. I promise no alien robots will harm you in any way during the production of this motion picture. Please consult your Physician when working under my direction because some side effects can occur, such as mild dizziness, intense nausea, suicidal tendencies, depression, minor chest hair growth, random internal hemorrhaging and inability to sleep. As some directors may be hazardous to your health, please consult your Doctor to determine if this is right for you." [N.Y. Magazine]
• Kevin Smith has compiled transcripts from his podcast into the book Shooting the Shit: The Best of SModcast. He says, "I don't feel like an author most days. John Grisham is an author. John Grisham sits down and is like, 'All right, I'm gonna write a story about this shit and it's gonna happen in Memphis and involve a couple lawyers, as per usual.' That's an author. I'm like, at best, a backdoor author. That sounds very homoerotic, but it's not gay porn - it's backdoor, man. I didn't intend for it to happen, I didn't go through the front door." [N.Y. Magazine]
• Drew Barrymore says of Whip It, "I didn't want it to be just another chick flick. I wanted it to stay true to girl empowerment. I wanted to make something that was also irreverent and relevant for boys. I wanted it to be emotional and yet romantic and also have action and have girls doing things you'd normally see boys do. That wasn't easy." [Reuters]
• Mo'Nique has done almost no press for Precious despite the fact that people are saying she's a possible Oscar nominee. Now her publicist of two weeks has quit and Mo'Nique is refusing to show up to the New York Film Festival on Saturday. [Showbiz 411]
• Mariah Carey has finally overcome her debilitating left side insecurity and is now allowing people to photograph either side of her face. She says, "I don't feel like, 'Oh, I have to be on this side, or I have to be on this side' — I really had specific things that someone told me when I was 19 starting in the business and I listened to them ... I don't care anymore. Sometimes I like that [left] side — and Nick likes that side better anyway." [Us]

She wasn't the only pageant girl the episode focused on, but she completely overshadowed the other girls, due to her haughty, holier-than-thou demeanor and overbearing, demanding relationship with her mother.

The thing is, her mother feeds into Tootie's inflated sense of ego: Her mother calls herself "Tootie's assistant." She "fetches" things for Tootie, does her toes and spray tans. (Madison, on the other hand, is a down-to-earth girl who is happy to play soccer with her dad while wearing jeans. Madison and Tootie are different, even though they are the same kid.)

When Tootie is in "Tootie mode," you had best not call her Madison. Also, she is completely cheesy. Not only did was her "Indian" dance offensive to Native Americans, it was offensive to dancers.

Tootie's mom is basically an enabler; she actually thinks that her bratty little snot of a daughter has a "good attitude." The crazy thing is, Tootie is a little manipulator. She's playing a game.

When asked about her competition — the other girls — Tootie replied, "I don't know. I don't care about 'em." But then smirked. She thinks she is slick.

But actually, in the end, though Tootie won Supreme Queen, she didn't win any of the other big prizes — not Beauty Queen, nor one of the three puppies the pageant was giving away. She's been told she's gorgeous and amazing, so she doesn't seem to know what to think or do when she doesn't succeed. The interviewer asked, "Were you happy when your name was called?" Because, you know, at least she won something. But her face was a twisted mask of confusion and she could only say, "I dunno." And then: "No." Followed by: "Don't put that on TV."

Part of the problem might be that at home, Tootie's picture is on the same level as that of Jesus Christ.

Earlier: Toddlers & Tiaras: A "Diva Moment" Is Actually A Tantrum

• Susan Boyle was "comforted" by psychiatrists before the Britian's Got Talent finale. Then she lost. [Daily Mail]
• Paramedics and police were called to help a "spaced-out" Susan Boyle through a hotel lobby early Sunday. [NY Daily News, NY Post]
• Now? Susan Boyle is in a mental hospital:

She had an "emotional breakdown." Sources say she is suffering from exhaustion: "She was very tired and hasn't been sleeping." Can I just say that I know someone who was on America's Got Talent and for 99% of the time that you're involved, the producers fuck with your head? They tell you you're amazing, and to "do what you do best," and if the judges don't like it, you're supposed to tell them off. There's no doubt that being on the show is a mindfuck. [The Sun, BBC News]

• Judge Piers Morgan says of Susan Boyle: I spoke to her yesterday for about half an hour and she's fine. She's gone in for some rest. She needs to get away from everyone – get away from the show, from the media, the public, and just have a bit of down time to herself." [People]
• "Susan Boyle set for £6million fortune with hit album and blitz on America." [Mirror]
• Bruno (aka Sacha Baron Cohen) — wearing angel wings and a butt-exposing jockstrap — flew in to the MTV Movie Awards over the audience, on a wire — but a "mishap" cause him to get stuck and lowered over the crowd, with his ass right in Eminem's face. (Video here.) Eminem was pissed and stormed out — but was he in on the joke? [AP, People]
• Eminem reportedly said, "Get this motherfucker off me." [NY Daily News]
• Kate Hudson and Madonna were both at Veuve Clicquot's Manhattan Polo Classic on Governors Island Saturday afternoon, and there was no clawing scratching catfight now that Kate is dating A-Rod, because her Madgesty doesn't give a shit. [Gatecrasher]
• If you missed the angsty, muscular, fuzzy, werewolfy New Moon trailer, see it here. [NY Daily News]
• Are Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt regretting their decision to join the cast of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here? Apparently the couple threatened to quit the show and Heidi bitched, "I wish they got some real celebrities like K-Fed." [RyanSeacrest.com]
• Here are some "leaked" pictures (possibly from a cellphone) of Rihanna and Chris Brown kissing and cuddling, from happier days. [The Sun]
• "Chris Brown Predicts Next Album Will Be His Biggest." [People]
• Although she never confirmed that she is pregnant, Jennifer Hudson had a baby shower in Chicago. [UPI, Chicago Tribune]
• If you ever wanted to lick Daniel Craig's abs, here is your chance: An ice cream company created a purple "licence to chill" popsicle crafted to look like 007 in Casino Royale. As you'll see in the picture, things get real weird below the waist… dude's hands and hips are fused together. [Telegraph]
• Thank Zeus: The rumor that TLC will send the kids to a Swiss boarding school and just have a show called Jon & Kate Unleashed is totally false. [TMZ]
• This weekend, Jon Gosselin was in New York, shopping; Kate Gosselin and the kids (and the bodyguard) were in Bald Head Island, N.C. Separate lives. [MSNBC Scoop]
• The eldest daughter of Billy Bob Thornton has been charged with child neglect; a one-year-old she was babysitting died in October. She and Billy Bob are estranged, but he calls the situation "an unimaginable tragedy." [TMZ]
• Seen having an intimate dinner: Drew Barrymore and Adrien Grenier. Hmm, his eco-mindedness and her flower-child persona could be perfect together! [Perez]
• Stephanie Pratt told Sandra Bullock she was her grandfather's favorite actress. Unsult! Stephanie also said: "Oh, he's dead now, but the two films of yours he used to watch over and over were Miss Congeniality and Pretty Woman." Sandy replied: "Well, if I were actually in 'Pretty Woman' I'd be very flattered." [LA Times]
• Victoria Beckham is freaked out by the earthquakes in L.A. — she and her family are having lessons in a tremor simulator, to learn what to do. Scream and head for a doorframe? [Daily Mail]
• That oh-so-lovely painting of Madonna and Guy Ritchie by artist Peter Howson failed to sell at auction yesterday. Wonder why? [Daily Express]
• Amy Winehouse may have canceled her UK comeback gig, but she is still working on her third album; and this is a picture of Amy strolling the beach and playing guitar, which proves that somehow. [Daily Mail]
• Simon Cowell has spent all week with his "glamorous" ex-girlfriend, Jackie St. Claire. That is a steamy romance novel name, you gotta admit. [Daily Mail]
• At next week's Venice Biennale, Yoko Ono, called here "the world's most famous rock widow" will receive the Golden Lion award for a lifetime's achievement in the visual arts. [Financial Times]
• Donald Trump has changed Miss California USA Carrie Prejean's contract, throwing out the clauses which forbid her from making unauthorized appearances and penning a tell-all book. Her lawyer, who helped work the deal, is also the lawyer for NOM. Naturally. [Perez]
• Some 500 actors, including George Clooney and Tom Hanks, urged members of SAG — the largest U.S. actors union — to vote "yes" on a new contract with Hollywood's major studios on Friday. [Reuters]
• Paul McCartney will be the first musician to perform at Citi Field, the new home of the New York Mets, on July 17. [UPI]
• Catherine Zeta-Jones was paid £1.55m in salary and expenses to appear in a shampoo commercial which will be broadcast in China and Japan; that comes to about at £3,691 for every second she appears on screen. Her hair is super shiny, I must say. [Times of London]
• Katie "Jordan" Price has agreed to give estranged husband Peter Andre a "quickie" divorce. [Daily Mail]
• Will Princess Eugenie join a British reality show based on The Hills? [Daily Mail]
• John Travolta is "struggling" five months after the death of his son, and can't promote his new film, The Taking of Pelham 123. Costar Denzel Washington says: "One moment he's OK and the next he's in tears." [CNN]
• Halle Berry is in talks to star in The Surrogate, a film about a a couple desperate to have a child — and then find out the surrogate they hired to carry their baby is insane. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Lisa Ling has written a statement, pleading for the release of her sister, Laura Ling, as well as journalist Euna Lee, who were arrested in North Korea. It reads, in part: "It has been nearly three months since their arrest… We have been holding our breath… Laura and Euna are journalists who were simply doing their job. They have been charged with 'illegal entry,' and 'hostility to the Korean nation.' We aren't certain of the details of what happened on March 17, but we can say with absolute certainty that when the girls left U.S. soil, they never intended to set foot onto North Korean territory. If at any point a transgression occurred, we sincerely apologize on their behalf." [People]
• Did you know that Spike TV has "Guys Choice" Awards? Well, they do. And Mickey Rourke was named Guy Of The Year on Saturday. Clint Eastwood was given a Brass Balls award. [UPI]
• Constantine Maroulis, who got a Tony nomination for his role in the Broadway show Rock Of Ages, says, "Oh, I'll never win. I'm pretty sure it will go to the guys from Billy Elliot." He also says he would love to do Shakespeare: "I'd cut off my hair tomorrow." [NY Times]
• Haha: Harry Connick Jr. got his tarot cards read by a fortune teller and asked if he "could double down" if the news was good. [Page Six]
• Here's a profile on Tom Barrack, a financier who made billions buying and selling distressed properties — his latest investment is Michael Jackson. [LA Times]
• Lori Petty, aka Tank Girl: Arrested! The charges are felony DUI and allegedly hitting a skateboarder with her car… [TMZ]
• Tonight's the night! Conan O'Brien hosts The Tonight Show. "It's a venerated, beloved NBC franchise," O'Brien says. "That doesn't mean I can't do silly things in that space, but the space itself should be beautiful." [UPI]
• Andy Richter is excited to be back on TV with Conan O'Brien: "I'm not gonna lie to you. A steady paycheck is a very rare thing in show business generally. And specifically right now a very rare thing. That in itself is the sublime revelation. To get that stress lifted, man, life is really nice." [LA Times]
• Sophie Dahl has a book about food and says: "I'm naturally very greedy. I go to bed wondering what to have for breakfast." [Mirror]
• Kylie Minogue and her model man, Andres Velencoso, are about to buy a beachside Villa in Spain. [Daily Express]
• Natasha Richardson left most of her assets to husband Liam Neeson, but also set aside money for her half-sister, a costume designer and and employee in London. [TMZ]
• Scott Weiland's estranged wife, Mary Forsberg, will publish her memoir, Fall To Pieces, in October. As you may know, Weiland was arrested on battery charges while with Forsberg, a former model. Her book is described as a ""visceral, rollercoaster ride inside bipolar disorder, rock 'n' roll, celebrity culture, and the competitive world of modeling from a rock star wife and recovering drug addict." [Daily Express]
• Tom Sizemore will be on the third season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew — but so is his ex-girlfriend, Heidi Fleiss. He was convicted of assaulting her back in 2003. Now they have to share space and airtime. [TMZ]
• Pete Doherty says The Libertines will reunite next year. Just when people have ceased to care! [The Sun]
• "Rock legend Jimi Hendrix was murdered by his manager as part of an insurance scam, a new book by one of his former aides claims." [Daily Mail]
• Words you maybe thought you'd never read: Phil Spector blogging from prison. Just so you know: The authorities took his wig, and he's befriended a cockroach – "I'm naming him Wilson" – and is playing air chess with him. Raise your hand if you think this is fake. [ONTD via Daily Express]
• Blind item! "Which sexy rapper was rolling on Ecstasy during a recent VIP event?" [Gatecrasher]
• "Most of the time I think, deep down, I'm three different people. You have to jump from place to place – go along with the situation. It's different, wherever you are. You gotta roll with it." — Prince Harry. [Mirror]
• "If it happened now, Bill would go to jail."— Mandy Smith on the Rolling Stone (Bill Wyman) who seduced her at the age of 13. She married him in1989, when she was 19 and he was 53. [Daily Mail]
• "He's a good influence. He doesn't drink or do drugs or anything like that. And I have a girlfriend so it's not like I hit on girls with him. He's the best, a very sweet professional and incredibly smart." — Jonah Hill on Russell Brand. [Mirror]
• "I feel sexier now than I did then: it's what's in my head that's sexier. If I could go back and be in my 25-year-old body with my head, boy, would I be dangerous… I've read books like The Beauty Myth. I guess I see it very differently. I don't use beauty products or dye my hair to please anyone else; I don't do it to capture a man, I do it because it's something I enjoy. I think it's innate, something you're born with. Femininity is an amazing quality and with it comes wanting to dress beautifully – as a little girl, it's in your nature. I watched my daughters do it – you don't teach them." — Andie MacDowell. [Daily Mail]
• "We should stop cutting music programmes in schools. It's vitally important that our kids are exposed to music: give them the opportunity to play instruments. It's still a mystery to me, the whole idea of how you write songs, and I've been doing it all my life." — Sting. [BBC News]
• "I'm not one of those people that can suddenly start running and hire a Pilates trainer, it's just not my thing. Walks helped clear my head. I was weighing myself once a week, just trying not to be obsessive about it. I just wanted to feel better; I wanted to feel healthy… It was never about that Hollywood pressure to lose weight, I laugh at that. It was always just an issue of health. Some people have been calling it a comeback, I actually call it a resurfacing." — Nia Vardalos, who slimmed down after blood sugar issues. [People]
• Q:Do you have any advice for aspiring stars? A: "I do. No. 1, stay clean and sober. Say no to drugs and alcohol, especially if you're under 18. No. 2, make sure you have a credible agent [or adult] with you at all times when you go into photography studios. No. 3, when you start out shooting your portfolio, don't let photographers rip you off or steal your money. You only need 10 good pictures. No. 4, make sure your agent is credible." — Janice Dickinson, who has a soon-to-be-released pop song called "Crazy." [Star Tribune]
• "People sometimes think I'm on drugs when I'm not. It's because I am actively in my creative headspace. I operate in a different way to other artists." — Lady GaGa, who is newly single. [News Of The World]
• "They think this is a game show. It isn't. It's arduous. It's fighting hunger. Since I haven't eaten in 32 years, it won't affect me. After I have sex with Sanjaya, he'll come out of the closet and run out of the jungle." — Janice Dickinson, on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. [Page Six]

1.) "Lick It Before You Stick It" - Denise Lasalle, 2000
A Taste: "You're makin' her feel good, but you can make her feel better/ If you treat your lady like a stamp and a letter"

2.) "Downtown" - SWV, 1992
A Taste: "Go downtown/ To taste the sweetness"

3.) "Not Tonight" - Lil' Kim, 1996
A Taste: "I don't want dick tonight/ Eat my pussy right"

4.) "My Neck, My Back" - Khia, 2002
A Taste: "My neck, my back/ Lick my pussy and my crack"

5.) "Put It In Your Mouth" - Akinyele, 1996
A Taste: "Or you just could eat me out"

6.) "I Luv" - Too $hort featuring Trick Daddy, Scarface & Daz, 2001
A Taste: "I luv gettin' my pussy ate"

7.) "Candy" - Foxy Brown featuring Kelis, 2001
A Taste: "Let me know when you're ready to eat"

8.) "J.O.D.D." - Trick Daddy featuring Trina, 2004
A Taste: "Sucka suck on da clit/ Just suck on da clit"

9.)"Sugar" - Bikini Kill, 1993
A Taste: "What are you afraid of?"

10.) "Work It" - Missy Elliott, 2002
A Taste: "You do or you don't or you will or you won't cha/ Go downtown and eat it like a vulcha"

11.) "Face" - Rick Ross featuring Trina, 2009
A Taste: "Sittin' at the green light/ 'Cause I'm gettin' face."

12.) "Tongue Song" - Trina, 2000
A Taste: "Head like wut wut wut/ Hands all on my butt butt butt/ Ya need to lick it again c'mon"

13.) "How Many Licks" - Lil' Kim, 2001
A Taste: "Roll some weed with some tissue and close your eyes/ Then imagine your tongue in between my thighs"

14.) "Any Time, Any Place" - Janet Jackson, 1994
A Taste: "I can feel your hand moving up my thighs/ Skirt around my waist/ Wall against my face/ I can feel your lips"

15.) "Lick It" - 20 Fingers, 1995
A Taste: "You gotta lick it/ Before we kick it"

16.) "Glory" - Liz Phair, 1993
A Taste: "You are, you are shining some glory on me"

17.) "Red Light Special" - TLC, 1994
A Taste: "Take a good look at it/ Look at it now"

18.) "Where Life Begins" - Madonna, 1992
A Taste: "Dining in and eating out/ I guess that's what this song's about"

19.) "Twist" - Goldfrapp, 2003
A Taste: "Put your dirty angel face/ Between my legs"

20.) "Bliss" - Mariah Carey, 1999
A Taste: "Take it down low/ Make me get high"

As the series' official site explains, the show follows 52 state "title holders" as they compete for 15 slots in the actual January 24 pageant.

With 52 women to get to know — and one hour in which to do it in — the premiere didn't give us a particularly strong impression of any of the contestants. (We think we remember liking the spunky Miss Missouri.) But then... there was Gretchen Carlson. The former Miss America winner and current co-host of Jezebel hating Fox & Friends turned up as a special "consultant" and was given the task of posing questions about hot-button social issues — sex education, same sex couples and adoption — in order to get the contestants to "debate". (Culture wars? What culture wars?) In the clip above, Carlson the Republiblonde is introduced to the ladies by the show's host, and then gets down to the business of separating the real Americans from the arugula-eating elitists. (If nothing else, we now know that Miss America is probably going to be a Republican.) Below, stills of the ladies' reactions to Carlson's initial appearance on the scene.

"The chick from Fox News???" (The pursed lips give it away)



Check out the girl in the middle:



Here's a two-fer:



Color this one unenthused:



It just gets better:



A classic Bish Plz:



Love. Her.



Even Carlson's co-consultants look on with suspicion.









In her defense, during the round of table interviews with the "pink" team, Carlson gives as good as she gets (to those from blue states, mostly):





Fun fact: Did you know that Michele "Batshit" Bachmann used to babysit Gretchen?




By the way, this is Miss Iowa, self-professed Gretchen Carlson fan, checking out the competition at the pink table. Keep an eye on her.

Earlier: Fox & Friends Insists That Palin Haters Are All New York City Women
Jezebel "Bugs" Fox & Friends Host Steve Doocy

• So. Fergie has recorded the theme song for the Sex And The City Movie and it is fucking insane. Seriously. It's a fast-paced track that uses the original instrumental music from the show, with Fergie sing-rapping lyrics like: "Shopping for labels, shopping for love... Manolo and Louis is all I'm thinking of... Emotional baggage just replace them with Dior... Let's stop chasing the boys and shop some more..." It does not appear to be a joke. You can listen to the nauseating ditty here. Just a warning: You may puke or cry or both. [People]
  
• Heidi Montag won't be at the White House Correspondents dinner because Spencer Pratt got involved and demanded first-class tickets for both of them — even though he wasn't invited. When he was denied, Spencer canceled Heidi's appearance because the event "wasn't A-listy enough." Meanwhile, Pamela Anderson, Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Hayden Panettierre, Claire Danes, Rob Lowe and Donatella Versace will all be there. Aren't you proud to be an American? [Page Six]
  
• When Ellen DeGeneres asked Ashlee Simpson,"Are you or are you not pregnant?" Ashlee said: "Well, that has been going on for quite a while. That is something that I choose personally not to discuss." In other words, yes. [People]
  
• Colin Firth and Helen Hunt were shooting an intimate scene together when someone farted. [The Sun]
  
• Amy Winehouse got drunk and tried to headbutt some dude. [Mirror]

• She also maybe punched someone else and also "snogged a mystery fella" before walking into a lamppost. [The Sun]
• Jennifer Lopez will co-executive produce, co-create and star in a TLC "docu-series" aka reality show, about how she juggles a career (including launching a new fragrance) and motherhood. Hmm, maybe with vaults of cash and lots of servants? [People]
• Also signing a deal with TLC for "unscripted" shows: Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos. [Perez Hilton]
• Star Jones filed for divorce from Al Reynolds back in March, and she's now released a statement: "Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone's life that requires privacy with one's thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman." What she means is: "He's gay." [Concrete Loop]
• Gisele Bundchen and Sylvester Stallone: Filming a Volkswagen commercial for Brazil? [Page Six]
• Caliente blind item! "Which gorgeous Latina actress is said to have a Sapphic relationship with her hair stylist?" [Gatecrasher]
• Wesley Snipes has asked some of his famous pals to write letters to the judge who is sentencing him for fraud. His character references include Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson. Snipes could get three years in prison — he's set to be sentenced today. [TMZ]
• Jamie-Lynn Sigler and boyfriend Scott Sartiano: Dunzo. [People]
• Snoop Dogg is no longer banned from Britain! Huzzah! [Guardian]
• Sir Paul McCartney is £100 million richer than he claimed in his divorce hearing. When you have a lot of money, it's easy to forget about a £100 million here and there. [Telegraph]
• Anna Nicole Smith's mother is suing Anna's lawyer (Howard K. Stern) and TMZ, claiming she was defamed. Doesn't she know they defame everyone? [Reuters]
• Paris Hilton is banned from the Hyatt in Moscow for allegedly writing her name on the wall in her room with a black marker. "Miss Hilton ruined the wallpaper in the luxury suite. In such a case the client automatically goes on the black list," says a spokesperson. She shoulda stayed at the Hilton. [UPI]
• Alicia Keys has canceled two shows because of swollen vocal cords. [Reuters]
• Yes, yes, the rumors are true, one of the Gossip Girl characters is gay, and it's Eric van der Woodsen. [LA Times]
• Joe Simpson is the third wheel in Jessica and Tony Romo's relationship, gross. [MSNBC]
• Orlando Brown of That's So Raven was missing for 24 hours but has returned, saying he "felt a little lost and needed to get away." [People]
• The wife of Billy Blanks, creator of Tae Bo, has filed for divorce.They've been married since 1974, which is inspiring/depressing. [TMZ]
• Paramount Pictures is suing Don Cornelius, host of Soul Train. Something about $290,000 in debt. Back in the day, Soul Train was the shit, huh? [TMZ]
• Director Stephen Daldry is talking about bringing his 2002 film The Hours to Broadway — possibly as an opera. Yeah, hmmm. Ponder that for a minute. [Gatecrasher]
• Carrie Underwood has been cheated on once or twice but doesn't recommend property damage like her song says. [People]
• Imprisoned Pete Doherty is "surprisingly chipper." [Mirror]
• OMG is Amy Poehler pregnant??? [ONTD]

Dubious connection yes, but the premise of the book isn't even the problem, it's the way Walsh encourages readers to clean up their lives and their stomachs through guilt and humiliation.

There are a lot of delicious, fattening foods out there. Resisting them might be something you have to do whenever you're hungry, at every meal, for the rest of your life. Sounds daunting, but the only other option is making bad choices that go against the life you want... well, it's your call.

Hmm, Walsh's real talk sounds suspiciously like Mike "No Chubbies" Koralchyk, the asshole gym owner (sample slogan: "Too chubby, never find a hubby") in Denver. Remember: he fancied himself a "truth-teller," too.

Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat? [Amazon]
Earlier: Mike "No Chubbies" Koralchyk: Portrait Of The New American Hyperasshole