Breasts: are they more trouble than they're worth? No — that's a rhetorical question so ridiculous that it shouldn't have even been asked in jest, and I apologize. But while knockers are a mammalian necessity, when it comes to athletics, they're often in the way, and they might even slow us down. What's a titslinger…

By the time you read this, we'll be gone. Well, actually, we haven't been around for a while now, but you're probably just noticing that now. This might come as a surprise to you, but we're not coming back.

Bold new scientific studies reveal that breasts not only move around when women run, but also become sore after excessive movement, leading researchers to believe that well-fitted sports bras are important. To which women say, "No shit."

Just like snowflakes, no two nipples are the same. (Not even the ones in a matching set.) Let's just say that if variety is the spice of life, then nipples make livin' real tasty. But did you know that there are actually, like, clinical categories of nips? The size and color of the areola, the amount of Montgomery…

Now it's the Lingerie Football League. Footage of barely-clad hot chicks talking about animal abuse is spliced between footage of rabbits being killed and elephants being smacked. It's not for the faint of heart, and frankly, it's pretty tacky.

A mammary majority has ruled, and your favorite word for sweater puppies is ...

I'm a fan of "boobs" myself, but the words we use for breasts are as varied as those breasts themselves. And it's time to vote for your favorite.

I am 40. My boobs, however, are yet to turn 25. Honestly. If I didn't know better, I'd say I taken out the chest of a much younger woman on loan.

Oxfam would like your recycled bras to send to Third World Countries. Apparently not enough women donate their old ones. (Related: the huge shortage of donated period underwear!) I know the food shortage has had a lot of ripple effects but the idealist in me really wishes a decent non-used bra, like tampon flushing…

What is it that European magazines have that American magazines don't? It's something much, much more tangible than just a little je ne sais quoi: They have tits. Naked tits. On full display. After all, what compliments Chanel black leather over-the-knee boots better than boobs? This month in French Vogue not one, not…