The episode was even more laugh-out-loud than usual, with Frank morphing into Liz, Jenna dubbing text messages "business sexts," and Tracy Jordan going to Whoopi Goldberg for advice on winning an EGOT (an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony), which is "a great goal for a crazy person."

While Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan often steal the show from star/writer Tina Fey, the episode's most hilarious moments came from her character Liz Lemon, who had a breakdown while filming the Dealbreakers pilot. Though Liz fantasized that as a TV star she'd be a glamorous blonde carrying on an affair with Astronaut Mike Dexter, in reality, she got a terrible makeover and her insecurities about acting made her so awkward that she forgot how to perform basic moves like waving and smiling. Jenna explained that "Regular Liz" had been transformed into "Performer Liz," and that Jack must then "lie to her, coddle her, protect her from the real world." Or as he put it, "Treat her like the New York Times treats its readers."

Although Anthony Lane criticized Fey's acting in The New Yorker's review of Baby Mama last year, saying, "she hasn't yet made up her mind how funny her body is meant to be," in the clip below, Fey shows off her physical comedy chops as Liz attempts to film the intro for Dealbreakers.

What really did Liz in wasn't her robotic performance or Jenna-like tantrums, but what her face looked like in high-def:

At least she didn't look as bad as Pete:

Once again, we saw that in his soul, Kenneth belongs on Sesame Street:

And of course, the only person who actually looked better in high-definition was Alec Baldwin:

The full episode is available on Hulu.

Switching Places [The New Yorker]
"Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001" [Hulu]

• Taylor Swift received eight Grammy nominations. "I started freaking out and jumping up and down," she claims. On winning one, she says:

"The thought of that absolutely is something that you daydream about." Taylor, Imma let you finish, but Beyoncé has TEN Grammy noms. [AP, People]

• Details on the Grammy noms at this link. [NY Post]
• Taylor Swift has also inked a video-on-demand deal with Comcast. [Reuters]
• Rachel Uchitel, the first woman accused of having an affair with Tiger Woods — and who denied that she had one — is MAYBE ready to admit that she did hook up with the golfer; her attorney, Gloria Allred, has set up a press conference, which will take place today. [Radar Online]
• Here's the deal: Rachel Uchitel supposedly lied when denying an affair with Tiger Woods to protect him. And she was the one — not Jaimee Grubbs — whose texts caused an argument between Tiger and his wife. [TMZ]
• File this under shit you never wanted to know: Tiger Woods' alleged mistress, Jaimee Grubbs, "has a history of chasing famous sports professionals, tried to get into Playboy and made a sex tape." [Radar Online]
• By the by: Tiger Woods offered Jaimee Grubbs a job: he offered her a condo or apartment, and he said she could stay there for free and "sort of manage the property." [Radar Online]
• Kalika Moquin, alleged mistress #3, had no idea who Tiger Woods was when she first met him, according to sources. When she found out he was a millionaire golfer, she started hooking up with him. [TMZ]
• Ugh: Cheater-oriented website Ashley Madison wants Tiger to do ads and promotion for them. And porn company Vivid Entertainment is offering $1 million to any woman who has proof she was Tiger's lover and signs a contract with them. [TMZ]
• Tiger Woods' sponsors are standing by him, and, since he makes $110 million a year in endorsements, that's a big deal. [NY Post]
• Tiger Woods and his wife and in "intense marriage counseling." And Elin Nordegren has demanded "a total rewrite on the couple's prenuptial agreement." [Us Weekly]
• More on the Tiger Woods prenup renegotiation here. [The Daily Beast]
• Someone at a Las Vegas club spilled a drink on Orlando Bloom's shirt, so, naturally, one of his friends called the John Varvatos store and within 30 minutes, someone arrived with three brand new shirts. Right there in a packed 200-capacity dining room, Orlando took off the soiled shirt and put on a new one. Girlfriend Miranda Kerr was one of those admiring the view. [Page Six]
• Chris Brown's interview with ABC News' Robin Roberts will air on 20/20 Friday night; in this promo, Chris says: "I never ever had problems with anger. No, no domestic violence with any of my past girlfriends. I never was that kind of person. ... I look at it, and it's really, like really difficult. It's like, 'How could I be that person?'" [ABC News]
• Oprah will have a "significant presence" on OWN, her cable network launching in 2011, but she won't be doing a cable version of her talk show. [NY Post]
• George Clooney's girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis is on the cover of German FHM wearing… very little. Also, the mag calls her "Fraulein Clooney." [NY Daily News]
• Will George Stephanopoulos replace Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America? [NY Post]
• Colin Firth stars in A Single Man, a film written and director by fashion guru Tom Ford. Colin says: "He told me I looked good, but I'd look better if I had a personal trainer." Tom corrects: "I told him he was fat." [NY Times]
• Oh, great. "Despite falling ratings, MTV's The Hills will return for a sixth season." You know why? Because MTV has NOTHING else. [Variety]
• People who squabble on The Hills do shots together when the cameras are not rolling. [Page Six]
• ABC has canceled Adam Lambert performances AGAIN — this time on Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year's Rockin' Eve. Glambert Tweeted: "Yes, sadly friends, ABC has canceled my appearances on Kimmel and NYE. :( don't blame them. It's the FCC heat ... I AM doing Leno though. And lookin into something for NYE ... It'll all blow over. Let's focus on being positive! :)" [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Whee: Ricky Gervais will host the 2010 Golden Globes. [Variety]
• Michael Lohan, ever the underminer, predicts that Jon Gosselin will lose TLC's breach of contract lawsuit against him. [MSNBC]
• In this piece, people have amusing things to say about Viggo Mortensen. The Road director John Hillcoat says: "He's a passionate guy." Director Peter Jackson says: "I just didn't know how gung-ho he'd be for everything… [If a scene called for Mortensen to climb a mountain], he'd be the guy who slept outside in a sleeping bag to get a start on the day." Fran Walsh, Jackson's partner and Lord of the Rings co-writer, says: "He's almost like a hippie. We picked him up at the airport one time, and he wasn't wearing shoes. I still have no idea how he got through the airport barefoot." Viggo himself says: "I know it sounds clichéd, but I didn't want to do anything for fame. I just love the arts." [USA Today]
• Sometimes Page Six is like a celebrity message board; today the bulletin is for Alec Baldwin's former girlfriend, Nicole Seidel: He still loves you and would do anything to get you back. [Page Six]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Tom Brady knows the sex of the fetus Gisele is carrying, even though Gisele does not. He says: "It's a pretty good feeling knowing something that no one else knows." [People]
• Ashlee Simpson has already succeeded in pissing off the cast of Chicago, and she just made her debut on Monday night. [Gatecrasher]
• Page Six claims Candice Bergen and Anna Paquin "just missed each other" at a hotel in Long Island; obviously no one at the column saw this picture from the set of The Romantics. [Page Six]
• Rosie Perez effed up her job presenting awards at the Gotham Independent Film Awards on Monday night. [Gatecrasher]
• Mother-daughter bonding! Candy and Tori Spelling have been mending their relationship! Candy says: "I'm looking forward to a lot of wonderful things. We have taken this private, which is what I've always wanted and I think so did Tori, and I'm really thrilled." [E!]
• Fresh-out-of-the-closet Meredith Baxter is writing a book about her life and shopping the story. [Page Six]
• Steven Keaton supports Elyse Keaton's decision to come out. [People]
• Yasmin LeBon critiques Simon LeBon's gigs with Duran Duran: "I give him a debrief after the show – the lights, the sound. I just can't help it." [Daily Mail]
• Hulk Hogan is engaged to girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel. [NY Daily News]
• "I was supposed to be his assistant as well as work with him on a book and other endorsements such as a motorcycle line and a kids clothing line, and kids' stackable furniture. His contract with TLC never came up. It didn't seem to concern him." — Kate Major, in a deposition in TLC's lawsuit against Jon Gosselin. [Radar Online]
• "I'm trying to find roles that demand more adulthood from me because you can get stuck in a very awful cute cycle as a woman in film - especially being such a small person. I'm a really late bloomer. In my own life, it's only been the last couple of years where I'm like, I'm an adult. I'm not totally an adult but…" — Natalie Portman. [USA Today]
• "I feel like a human being again. There was one point in time where I felt like...[Sighs.] I don't know-I felt like plastic. I think I looked plastic. My face, fat plastic. [Laughs.] I was eating, but the Vicodin made me hungry because it eats up your stomach lining, so you want to fill your stomach back up, but then it stops you up so you can't shit, you just-That's why I was gaining so much weight, I was just so fucking bloated. It's a trip when people take sobriety for granted. Feeling trapped in my addiction and then getting sober-you appreciate it so much more, because I didn't know if I would ever know what it's like to feel normal again, ever." — Eminem, who has been sober for 19 months, talks about drugs, music, Dr. Dre and much much more in an extensive interview. [Complex]
• "When you read things about Michael Jackson it's hard to decipher what the fuck is true, but there's the story of how he woke up at whatever time and he needed something to go back to sleep because he had this or that and it didn't work. That's exactly what used to happen to me: I would take a couple of pills and I would be up an hour later and I'd want more. Then I'd take more and that would be enough to maybe get me back to sleep for two more hours. Then I'd be wide awake again. So I definitely can relate, and it's a shame if he didn't have anybody there to just say, 'Michael, you're an addict, you need help.' It's one of the pitfalls of fame. I could just say, 'Yo, I need this and this and this,' and they're going to give me whatever I want…" — Eminem. [Complex]
• "I overdid everything. I was hung over for two years. If I didn't drink, I didn't do anything. It was bad. [My new album] is not all about getting sober. The problem is, I did all the drinking for my whole life in a two-year span. I wish I had spaced it out. Drinking is great. It makes you happy. But the next day, it makes everything feel as twice as bad as it was before. So what's the point? It's delicious but poisonous." — Julian Casablancas. [CNN]
• "[Being armed and dangerous] turns me on in a way I that I shouldn't be saying. It's boring to always play the victim or the compliant little woman. Eff that! Why don't you have my baby and wait at home while I go kill some mother[bleepers]? It's just very empowering." — Zoe Saldana. [Page Six]
• "[After 30 Rock, I would like to manage a Laytner's Linen on the upper West Side. Every time I'm in there, I wish I worked there — free towels." — Tina Fey. [Gatecrasher via Entertainment Weekly]

• How do we feel about the fact that Miley Cyrus dressed as Julia Roberts' Pretty Woman hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold character for an '80s party to celebrate her 17th birthday Wednesday night? [Page Six]

• ANTM winner Nicole Fox had a "secret" meeting with Robert Pattinson… meaning, she ran into him backstage at Regis & Kelly. She says: "I was backstage going to the bathroom-in a bathroom I probably wasn't supposed to be using. But when I came out, [Pattinson] was in the hallway, like two feet away from me, [just] standing there. He was surrounded by his throng of people. And so I didn't want to feel like a dorky fangirl. I just looked down at my shoes and walked away." Of course Nicole admits: "I haven't seen the Twilight movies… Perhaps I will begin to watch [them] now that I saw him in real life." [E!]
• Madonna visited a "lawless favela" in Rio — and wore a bullet-proof vest under her leather jacket. Doesn't she know that music makes the people come together? Doesn't she know that music makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel? [Page Six]
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's guard dog, Floyd, attacked a flight attendant on a private jet; and an animal behaviorist says the German Shepherd is a menace who needed counseling. [NY Daily News]
• Monday is the series finale of Jon & Kate Plus 8, and in the ep, the two "continue to make the transition into single parenthood." Kate takes the kids to milk a cow; Jon takes them to a fire station. [NY Daily News]
• MSNBC's Courtney Hazlett suggests that this Thanksgiving, we should be grateful for the end of Jon & Kate. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Roman Polanski's lawyer says while the director is imprisoned in Switzerland, his wife and two children are "very upset psychologically by this separation that is a true heartbreak" for them. [MSNBC via AP]
• Tila Tequila says her naked Ustream rant — which has since been removed from the interwebs — was caused by "flashbacks" and "pressure" related to her allegedly violent incident with her ex, Shawne Merriman. [TMZ]
• Lady Gaga is set to do some songs at this year's Royal Variety Performance — which is attended by the Queen. This column questions whether she will actually pretended to stab herself to death while playing the piano and then hang from the ceiling, covered in blood — when the Queen is watching. [Daily Mail]
• Remember when hip-hop had beef? Beanie Sigel and Jay-Z are bringing it back. [Gatecrasher]
• Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens — known in the tween mags as Zanessa — have not broken up, despite rumors. Things are going well, they are rich and young and sexy and happy, etc, etc, etc. [Us]
• Jon Gosselin's lawyer says Kate Major's lawsuit is a joke. Finally we agree on something! [Radar Online]
• Audrina Patridge from The Hills and Mark Sallin, aka Puck from Glee: Spotted flirting and leaving a party together. [Page Six]
• Breaking: Amber Rose spotted without Kanye. [Page Six]
• Kathy Hilton has been in touch with the Jacksons and says that Paris, Prince and Blanket are "wonderful" and their "grandmother is incredible" and they "could not be in better hands." [People]
• Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate testified yesterday, saying that she was living in a West Virginia motel around the time a police chief allegedly broke into her home in Ohio. [NY Post]
• Fergie, the Duchess of York, went to Turkey last year with daughter Princess Eugenie to investigate the treatment of mentally and physically disabled children in orphanages. The Duchess wore a dark wig and headscarf and posed as an aid worker to get the story for a TV exposé; now she's been served papers and may have to stand trial in Turkey — she's is accused of breaking laws that ban secret filming and trespassing on government property in the country. [Mirror]
• Jordin Sparks had an appendectomy yesterday. [NY Post]
• Sigourney Weaver believes that the James Cameron film Avatar will make all the money back, because people will see it several times. She also says Cameron was "always sweet" to her during Aliens. [NY Mag]
• The Jonas Brothers are promoting Xbox 360 with Jonas-centric ads. [NY Times]
• "Do lesbians rule Hollywood? Ask Jane Lynch." [Guardian]
• This video of Hayden Panettiere is bukkake/facial-esque. [The Life Files]
• Ruh-roh: Eddie Cibrian is suing Life & Style, because the mag published stories which allegedly "falsely portray Eddie as being unfaithful to LeAnn Rimes, as currently being in a romantic relationship with [some other woman] and as having abandoned his children." Can they get out of the lawsuit if, at the end of each story, the copy reads, "Aoccirding to a source"? [TMZ]
• Sadie Frost is publishing her autobiography, which will probably have details about her BFF Kate Moss, the catty fashion world, and ex husband Jude Law. [Daily Express]
• When Jamie Cullum said that girlfriend Sophie Dahl "has a face for radio," he was probably joking. [Daily Express]
• Uma Thurman will play Robert Pattinson's wife in a film called Bel Ami, based on a Guy de Maupassant's short story. [The Hollywood Reported]
• James Van Der Beek has filed for divorce from his wife of six years. [USA Today]
• James Caan has filed for divorce from his wife of 14 years. [USA Today]
• At the link, Freddie Mercury's mother talks about her son eighteen years after his death. [BBC News]
• "I think probably the first thing that was an incredible hurdle was that I wasn't going to be able to do this privately like most people, and that took a really long time to get over." — Chaz Bono, on the hardest part of his sex change. [People]
• "She sent me sexy pictures of herself in a bikini and stuff, but nothing worse than the stuff you find now by just Googling her name." — one of Carrie Prejean's ex boyfriends — and not the one she sent the "solo sex tape" to. [E!]
• "It was scary, but it was so much fun. It was great seeing that we were all feeling the same way. There was a great support system on that set, all the actors with each other and with Rob [Marshall]. I had danced classical ballet before, so this was very different from what I had studied. We had a room in our building and we were all taking different classes. We would all pass each other in the hallway. All day, training. We all felt so free and so happy. Music was so present everywhere. That elevates people, music. It was so addictive, that experience." — Penelope Cruz on the six-week rehearsal period she, Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman and Marion Cotillard had for Nine, in which they took dancing and singing lessons. [USA Today]
• "What people don't realize is, I am managing my image, more than maybe the editor of OUT magazine likes to give anybody credit for. My team is a team. And I really feel fortunate that 19 Management and Simon Fuller said to me, from the get-go, 'We want to do what you want to do. You need to tell us how you want to do things, what interests you have,' and they've been incredibly supportive of me. I really mean it. I'm not being puppeted around. I didn't want to jump onto a gay magazine as my first thing, because I feel like that's putting myself in a box and limiting myself. It was my desire to stay away from talking about certain political and civil rights issues because I'm not a politician. I'm an entertainer. That is not my area of expertise. I can talk about relationships and personal experiences because as an artist those things involve writing lyrics and that part of my process. But I didn't feel comfortable talking about the March on Washington. I didn't feel comfortable, so I asked my publicist to ask the interviewer to stay away from the political questions. I take full responsibility for that. I think that the editor has his agenda and has his opinions, which I respect, but they're not necessarily my opinions. And I wish there was a little respect for that. Not every gay man is the same gay man." — Adam Lambert. [EW]
• "I've never told anyone this before. This is a hair scoop. Shower before you go to bed, and then sleep on your wet hair. Towel-dry it. In the morning, it's all messed up naturally. If you have that messed-up thing going when you wake up, it's more willing to stay that way. That's Zac's hair tip." — Zac Efron. [Time]
• "[When I was younger] I wasn't confident in my sexuality but I had these thoughts, these desires and these passions inside me. I never knew how to exorcise them until probably the first time I had sex, and it was a great experience. I felt like, why should I be so hindered about this? [I thought about porn] …I thought, why should sex have to be dirty or scary? And if it is, why can't you turn that into a positive thing and work through that sensually and find something good out of that, something pleasurable." — Sasha Grey. [Telegraph]
• "I would not say that I lost faith in Twitter, I would say that I lost faith in my ability to negotiate it. I don't know about you but whenever I read a blog I do not let my eye drop below half the screen in case I accidentally hit the bit where the comments reside. Of all the stinking, sliding, scuttling, weird, entomological creatures that inhabit the floor of the internet those comments on blogs are the most unbearable, almost beyond imagining. Their resentment, their desire to be heard at the most vituperative level, at the most unpleasant and malevolent, genuinely ill-willed malevolent, level is terrifying and I am very often simply not able to cope with that. Twitter is usually not like that... [but] I found that the @ mentions were just getting... I could see these comments that would just make me upset." — Stephen Fry. [Guardian]
• "I've had some bad moments where I've woken up under a car with the engine still running." — Zach Galifianakis. [Page Six]
• "She wears really, really attractive underwear." — Bono on his wife. Well, not on. But maybe. [Gatecrasher]
• "They made a porn movie about Sarah Palin and the same actress, Lisa Ann, played me in the porn version of 30 Rock. Weirdly, of the three of us, Lisa Ann knows the most about foreign policy." — Tina Fey. [Page Six]

• Robert Pattinson took Kristen Stewart to a "secret" dinner with his parents. So secret that this Britloid knows about it!

Apparently the Sparkle Vamp's mom and dad "got on like a house on fire" with Kristen. Perhaps eventually these kids will be "ENGAGED!" like Ok! declared in September. [The Sun]

• At a New Moon press conference, Dakota Fanning "struggled to look interested." And: "Her wide-set eyes sometimes drifted to the middle distance as her co-stars answered questions. Even her responses to the adoring crowd of movie buffs and reporters felt uninspired." Maybe she was tired? [The Daily Beast]
• New Moon actor Kellan Lutz was declined entrance to his own movie party. [Page Six]
• Rihanna is dating Tristan Wilds, whom you may know from 90210… Or as Michael on The Wire. [Gatecrasher]
• "Jon Gosselin signed a secret, hand-written contract with Kate Major, hiring her as his personal assistant, promising to pay her a percentage of his "accounts" and spelling out that she would not talk about their relationship." [Radar Online]
• Bijou Phillips doesn't want to attend the premiere of her film Made For Each Other, because she might have to answer embarrassing questions, in the wake of half-sister Mackenzie's incest revelations. [Page Six]
• MTV has bought the rights to air Michael Jackson's This Is It beginning in 2011. Meaning: There will actually be music on MTV! [NY Post]
• Evan Chandler, 65, the father of Jordan "Jordy" Chandler — who accused Michael Jackson of molestation — killed himself via a gun to the head earlier this month. He was reportedly suffering from a serious illness, though the ailment was not named. [NY Post]
• Penelope Cruz was on David Letterman's show last night, and refused to admit if she was engaged: "I've been here a few times with you, you know I'm tough. One thing I don't do, I don't lie about my personal life," she said. "It's sacred to me. It's my life. But I don't give details about it because I am allergic to that." [People]
• Tina Fey went to the unveiling of Barneys New York's SNL-themed holiday windows, and the papier-mâché Sarah Palin hanging in the window "started spinning around uncontrollably," which was alarming. [WWD]
• Gerard Butler doesn't read gossip. He says: "I try and stay away from anything anybody sends me, some clips or articles that tell me what's going on… I normally tell them to leave me alone and to not remind me. But it's normally when I'm doing press someone will say 'oh so, is it true about...' - and that's when I catch up on all my rumors, when I'm doing press junkets." [Mirror]
• Michael Musto's interview with Levi Johnston is Hi. Larious. MM asks if Levi's junk is "really the Alaska pipeline" and Levi claims he's no Kevin Federline, because "I'm a country singer-I'm not gonna be no rapper." [Village Voice: La Dolce Musto]
• Beth Ditto was asked what she was doing in Paris. She replied, "I am trying to be really cool." Then she did a cover of "I Will Always Love You," the Dolly Parton song made famous by Whitney Houston, saying, "it's my favorite song." [WWD]
• Carrie Prejean is threatening to sue Vivid Entertainment if the company releases photos or videos of her "solo sex tape." [TMZ]
• Frances Bean Cobain has Bard at the top of her list of colleges. [Gatecrasher]
• Does Charlie Gibson bad-mouth fellow ABC anchor Diane Sawyer? [Page Six]
• Jennifer Lopez's ex, Ojani Noa, claims he's getting death threats after trying to sell a book and "steamy" home video of J. Lo. [Page Six]
• Adam Lambert, aka Glambert, is on the cover of Out magazine — with Wanda Sykes, Cyndi Lauper, Lt. Dan Choi and Rob Marshall — and the editor's letter suggests his record label didn't want him to be on the magazine solo, because that would be "too gay." The EIC writes: "It's only because this cover is a group shot that includes a straight woman that your team would allow you to be photographed at all…" Is this the same record label that okayed this shot? And this one? [MSNBC Scoop]
• I can't figure out if this story about Hulk Hogan being attacked at a press conference is real or a wrestling stunt. And isn't Ric Flair retired? All I know is that there's a hip hop song named after him. Ric Flair wittit! Woo! Yeah so anyway: Hulk was bleeding from the head after the "attack" and there's a picture. [News.com.au]
• Aaron Eckhart and Molly Sims: Dating. [People]
• The Bob Saget reality show actually sounds interesting. [NY Post]
• Whoa. Avril Lavigne is dating Wilmer Valderrama? Okay. Does she know that in a radio interview with Howard Stern, he talked about how Mandy Moore was a virgin until he met her? He's also been linked to Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ashlee Simpson. [Life & Style]
• A-Rod has given Kate Hudson a ring, but it's not an engagement ring, it's a $39,000 white-gold ring to thank her for her support of the Yankees. Allegedly. [Gatecrasher]
• Celebrities can make money off of Twitter? Damn. [NY Post]
• Oprah's homeslice Nate Berkus is about to sign a deal to star in his own syndicated daytime talk show. [NY Post]
• Wall Street 2 costars Carey Mulligan and Shia LaBeouf are totes in love. [Gatecrasher]
• John Travolta and Robin Williams became good friends after crashing a wedding in 1977; now they're in their first joint film, Old Dogs. Apparently, at some point in the movie, Travolta and Williams mix up their medications. Travolta's face turns into a Joker-like smile, while Williams' tongue grows to the size of a dill pickle. "That scene, I've probably laughed harder than I ever have," Travolta says. "I knew I wanted to do the movie when I read that part. I'd pay $10 to see that scene." Maybe because you're a millionaire? [USA Today]
• The interwebs have been buzzing about the banned Enrique Iglesias video, "Sad Eyes," in which our hero indulges in phone sex, then picks up a hooker… The pole/phallic imagery is not to be missed. And if you haven't seen it yet, you can, at the link. [Buzzfeed]
• This column is all about Rose McGowan's face. [NY Daily News]
• Rod Stewart's lawyers want $3,309,871.34 in back legal fees. [TMZ]
• The IRS wants over $1 million from Aaron Carter. [NY Post]
• Thirty-six items of clothing Audrey Hepburn wore on and off the screen from 1953 to the late '60s — along with accessories and letters — will be auctioned in London next month. [NY Post]
• Gloria Estefan lost a $220,00 Bulgari diamond bracelet getting out of a car in Miami, but her husband found it. [Page Six]
• "Slumdog Millionaire star Anil Kapoor says he and Danny Boyle will ensure the kids from the movie go to school to earn their trust funds." [Page Six]
• "We're in two minds. Damian doesn't want us to add to our family under any circumstances. He wants to remain the golden prince. He says, ‘Mummy, our family is big enough.' We toy with it but we're not sure." — Liz Hurley is not sure if she is going to have more kids; her son certainly doesn't want her to. [Daily Express]
• "I'm going to make a film on Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. It won't be a so-called David Lynch film, really; it will be about Maharishi and the knowledge he brought out. It'll hold a lot of abstractions. We're on our way to India in December to start the India part of it." — David Lynch. NY Mag]
• "It's scary on the one hand because we have really big shoes to fill — for God's sake, Marcia won a Tony for this role! On the other hand, there aren't a lot of great, great, great roles, especially for women, especially for older women, of which I am one. And I'm a stage actor primarily. I always have been, even though I took a break, but that's how I got my training before I began - eighteen years of stage in New York. Yes, it's daunting: We'll all be compared to the other cast. It doesn't matter - I don't read reviews, I don't care what other people say. At this stage of my career, there are no career moves anymore. I just think when a part like this comes along, you've got to grab it." — Christine Lahti is taking over Marcia Gay Harden's role in God Of Carnage. [NY Mag]
• "Farrah's and my relationship was based on a deep love and respect for one another and for our son Redmond… After discussing how her financial affairs would be handled in the event of her passing, we agreed that our son Redmond would be the primary beneficiary of her estate," he goes on. "These were Farrah's wishes and I am perfectly happy with them." — Ryan O'Neal doesn't care that he's not in Farrah's will. [Us Magazine]
• "During shooting I tried to not go onto the Internet at all if possible. I started to pay attention to fan reaction to the trailers that have been out and what kind of stuff they like, just in order to get a temperature of where things were heading. I think you end up being a politician responding to polls if you pay too much attention to the Internet. Because it's a quick way to convince yourself that one particular person who happens to be Twittering at the moment just happens to be the authority. I try to put out fires when bizarre rumors get started. One rumor I addressed was that the Volturi scenes were supposed to be set in a bathhouse with everyone naked." —Twilight director Chris Weitz. [Techland]
• "I watch Twilight and New Moon and I think, Gosh, there are a million lines that I wish were in it that aren't. You can't be expected to capture the book - what you are expected to do is capture an essence. That's always subjective. It's something that eternally worries me, but at the same time you have to suppress those thoughts. You would be playing a really disjointed character if you were taking everyone's considerations. It's impossible to please everyone. As long as they know that you are working hard, as hard as you can, I think the actual fans of the book accept that and appreciate that." — Kristen Stewart. [Time]
• "When I was reading the books, I felt so bad for Jacob's character. I was, like, 'Wow, he can't get the girl he wants and he's being shut down and used.' But now that I'm actually filming it and living this character, I feel so much worse." — Taylor Lautner, aka Twilight's Buff Werewolf, when interviewed earlier this year. [LA Times]
• "I felt pretty goofy stepping out into the sunlight in front of 2,000 people in a town square, ripping my clothes off. I was essentially doing a striptease. But here's the irony, it was also one of the moments where I've really felt closest to people's emotional attachment to Edward... It was quite uplifting and it was also very nerve-wracking." — Robert Pattinson. Mirror]

The pictures in question were taken over the summer, and showed the pretending to kiss or lick "novelty phallus-shaped lollipops." Other images showed the girls in their underwear with dollar bills sticking out. The ACLU has become involved in the case, and they claim that since the incident occurred outside school, it should not effect their standing. •  A new study from Britain's Department of Health has found that new mothers feel most anxious around five months after giving birth. At this point, the excitement has supposedly worn off, and friends and relatives are supposedly no longer offering as much support, which leads many mothers to feel isolated and nervous. • Nutrition experts have complained that Kellogg's is falsely advertising that its Cocoa Krispies cereal can help "boost immunity." Currently, the Cocoa Krispies box reads: ""Now helps support your child's IMMUNITY," alluding to the addition of vitamins A, C and E. But Kelly Brownell from Yale University says, "by their logic, you can spray vitamins on a pile of leaves, and it will boost immunity." • Researchers recently found that 1/5 of smokers lie about smoking during pregnancy. The study, which looked at 3,475 women from Scotland, asked women to come clean about lighting up while pregnant and followed up with the revealing blood tests. •  The Cyprus Feline Society has identified two breeds of cat that they claim are "ancient breeds" and would like international recognition for them. The two breeds include the tall and elegant "Aphrodite," and short, broad-faced "Helen." •  A professor at Harvard has announced that next semester he plans a class based entirely on the HBO show The Wire. "I do not hesitate to say that it has done more to enhance our understanding of the challenges of urban life and the problems of urban inequality, more than any other media event or scholarly publication," said sociology professor William J. Wilson at a recent panel discussion.  • A new study found that while marriage rates are lower for women on welfare, receiving Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, once they exit the system they are as likely to marry as women who were never on welfare. • International cancer specialists will meet this week to figure out how to combat the increase of breast cancer in developing countries, where almost two-thirds of women aren't diagnosed until the cancer has spread through their bodies. Doctors say part of the problem is that in some areas women worry that men will leave them if they lose a breast. "It's not a trivial consideration," says Dr. Lawrence Shulman of the Dana Farber Cancer Institute, who is working to begin cancer care in parts of Africa where "the women are often seen as really either vessels for producing children or as sex slaves." • A mother in New York is challenging a judge's decision to 34 percent increase in the number of Down Syndrome births between 1989 and 2005, 15 percent fewer babies were born during that time due to prenatal testing. Some are worried that the decline in Down Syndrome cases will lead to cuts in research funding and that more people aren't even considering raising a child with Down syndrome. • A Texas health clinic operator CareNow says it regrets telling a Muslim doctor applying for a job that she couldn't wear her hijab. The company called it a "misunderstanding" after the American-Islamic Relations wrote to CareNow, explaining federal law requires employers to reasonably accommodate religious practices of an employee. • Today Michelle Obama is launching a mentoring program in which she and female White House staffers will mentor 20 high school girls from the Washington, D.C. area. The girls will get to visit their mentors' offices and gather for a group dinner. • Despite Liz Lemon's well-known love of the German language, 30 Rock is not popular in Germany. Its premiere last night on the German channel ZDFNeo earned a 0.0 rating, meaning it was watched by fewer than 5,000 people. Blerg. •

Paul Bedard at the Washington Whispers blog of US News offers several tidbits from Continetti's book, including this one:

The left recoils at a certain swagger, a manner of speech, and a lack of cultural embarrassment that the two share. Neither Bush nor Palin mind the fact that they are not part of this country's cognoscenti. But until Palin showed up, one could have written off the liberal reaction to Bush as simply anti-Texan bias. That wasn't it, however. Palin proved that at its root the reaction to these folksy Western politicians is a form of anti-provincialism; revulsion toward people who do not aspire to adopt the norms, values, politics and attitudes of the Eastern cultural elite.

Which, like, zzz. But what comes next is some new and different Palin apologia, bizarre enough that it's worthy of a response:

It was telling that Fey should be the actress who impersonated Palin. The two women may look like each other, but they could not be more dissimilar. Each exemplifies a different category of feminism. Palin comes from the I-can-do-it-all school. She is professionally successful, has been married for more than 20 years, and has a large and (from all outward appearances) happy family. And while Fey is also pretty, married, and has a daughter, the characters she portrays in films like Mean Girls and Baby Mama, and in television shows like 30 Rock, are hard-pressed eggheads who give up personal fulfillment-e.g., marriage and motherhood-in the pursuit of professional success. [...] On 30 Rock, Fey, who is also the show's chief writer and executive producer, plays Liz Lemon, a television comedy writer modeled on herself. Liz Lemon is smart, funny, and at the top of her field. But she fails elsewhere. None of her relationships with men works out. She wants desperately to raise a child but can find neither the time nor the means to marry or adopt. Lemon makes you laugh, for sure. But you also would be hard pressed to name a more unhappy person on American TV.

See, Tina Fey chose to mock Sarah Palin because Liz Lemon is unhappy. Since, as he's forced to admit, Fey is married and has a child — and she's received public praise for her looks much as Palin has — Continetti has to delve into the characters she plays in order to find miserable feminists to use as strawwomen. He also says that "Palin's sudden global fame rankled those feminists whose own path to glory had been difficult" — can he really be arguing that Fey resents Palin because Liz Lemon's personal life sucks? That even though she herself "can-do-it-all" (and annoying formulation if there ever was one), she hates Palin because Lemon is stuck working on her night cheese? Does he think, perhaps, that Fey created Lemon as some kind of an exemplar of modern womanhood, and is upset that Palin isn't more like her? Of course, Palin may be more fertile than Lemon, but she's just as absurd. But the most absurd thing of all is that Continetti would choose to center an argument around Liz Lemon, who is an actual "unreal American" since she is fictional. The head explodes.

Interestingly, Continetti's book now has a Nov. 12 pub date, but was apparently originally slated for publication in 2010. This suggests he and his publishers had to rush out the book in response to the moved-up release date of Going Rogue (for which Palin recently reported a "retainer" of $1.25 million, just the first slice of a much larger steaming pie). There appears to be an arms race afoot for who can make excuses for Palin first — herself or her admirers. Pretty soon conservatives will be writing books in negative time.

Palin Book: Feminists Jealous Of Sarah's Rise [U.S. News & World Report: Washington Whispers]
Palin's Book Retainer: $1.25 Million [ADN.com]
Weekly Standard's Continetti Writing Bio Of Sarah Palin [Washington Independent]

• Jon Gosselin is planning to meet with CBS executives to talk about appearing on celebrity editions of The Amazing Race or Survivor. Wouldn't filming these particular reality shows require him to be away from his kids for weeks?

• Apparently TLC's lawsuit alleging that he broke his exclusive contract with the network isn't preventing Jon from pursuing new job opportunities. [Radar Online]
• Jon Gosselin's lawyers emailed Kate Gosselin's lawyers and said that they have $152,000 from Jon that will repay the money he took from their joint account. Jon has already paid back $28,000 of the $180,000 he owes. [TMZ]
• Jon Gosselin's lawyer says he is now in "complete compliance" with a court order to return $180,000 to the joint bank account, but, "Unless something happens today [with Kate] she will be going through contempt proceedings Monday." Both Jon and Kate filed contempt motions against each other that will be addressed in a hearing on Monday, and Kate still needs to account for $55,000 she says she spent on household expenses. [People]
• A judge said today that he'll dismiss the charges against Kanye West for destroying two TMZ paparazzi's cameras if he completes 50 hours of community service. Kanye said he's already attending anger management courses and TMZ isn't pressing charges because Kanye paid the company for the camera he broke. [TMZ]
• Kanye's lawyer said he plans to serve his volunteer hours with the American Red Cross. [People]
• Rachel J. Lee, 19, was arrested with several other women yesterday in a sting operation and accused of masterminding the recent burglaries of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Audrina Patridge, and Orlando Bloom. Sources say the women were so obsessed with celebrity fashion that they used Hollywood star maps to locate the victims' homes, then figured out when they wouldn't be home based on their public appearances so they could steal their designer clothes and jewelry. [People]
• Sources say when Rachel Lee was arrested police found items that may have been taken from celebrities' homes including Lindsay Lohan's hat, Rachel Bilson's jeans, and a partially nude photo of Paris Hilton. [TMZ]
• A map found on the computer of Nicholas Prugo, who is suspected of burglarizing Lindsay Lohan and Audrina Patridge, may link him to the burglarly of Orlando Bloom's house as well. [TMZ]
• TMZ claims that evidence on Nicholas Prugo's computer shows he performed two searches for "Paris Hilton diamond watch." Paris went to the police station today to pick up some of her recovered belongings. [TMZ]
• Though 60 tickets to This Is It were reportedly offered to the Jackson family, Katherine Jackson insists no one every offered her tickets and La Toya Jackson says, "We're not seeing it, my mother, we're not seeing it." [TMZ]
• Dr. Conrad Murray says stopped paying child support because he had to close his office after receiving physical threats following Michael Jackson's death and can't afford to pay his ex the $13,000 he owes her. [CBS News]
• The accounting firm Cannon and Company has filed a creditor's claim saying Michael Jackson owed the firm $56,582. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston is devestated because 14-year-old Corgi-Terrier Norman is sick. "Norman is old and hasn't been doing well. She's terrified her best friend could soon be gone," says a source. [Star]
• Sources say Avril Lavigne has been cheating on her husband Deryk Whibley with Brandon Davis for months, and now that she and Deryk have split she's going to move in with Brandon. [Hollywood Scoop]
• Madonna asked Guy Ritchie to look over the script she wrote for the film she's directing about Wallis Simpson and give her some casting suggestions. He said she should take a look at Mark Strong and Toby Kebbell, who both had roles in RocknRolla. [Daily Mail]
• Madonna is heading to Malawi this weekend to lay the foundation stone for her new girls school and meet with President Bingu wa Mutharika. [Daily Express]
• Victoria Beckham gave her younger sister Louise a £50,000 check to pay for her December wedding. "Vic just told Louise 'I don't care what it costs - it will be my Christmas present to you'. Louise was very emotional," says a friend. [The Sun]
• Nicholas Cage says "The sadness of the story," is what drew him to his new film Astro Boy."I can't help but feel for him especially when his father rejects him," said Cage of the film's animated star. [L.A. Times]
• Jade Goody's family settled a lawsuit against The Mirror and the picture agency NewsPics for printing private pictures of her burial. The companies will pay £35,000 in damages, as well as legal costs. [Daily Express]
• Julian Casablancas says there's "disagreement" in The Strokes over whether the songs for their fourth album are done or not. "It's weird with the band, a band is actually a great way to ruin a friendship," he says. [NME]
• James Jimenez will be retried for charges related to the theft of Kirsten Dunst's $2,000 purse during a movie shoot. He was convicted of misdemeanor criminal trespassing, but jurors were deadlocked on several felony burglary counts. [AP]
• Hayden Christensen and his twin brother Tove are suing producer Phillippe Martinez because they say he drew up a contract for Haden to act in the movie Crash Bandits, which Tove would co-produce, but the film was never made. [TMZ]
• Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze's widow, will participate in a discussion on Grief, Healing, and Resilience at the Women's Conference 2009 in Long Beach, California next Tuesday along with Elizabeth Edwards and Susan St. James. [People]
• Rihanna will perform at the American Music Awards on November 22. [Ace Showbiz]
• Music producer Chuck Harmony says of Rihanna's new album Rated R, "I think Rihanna has captured what her old fans are used to, as well as the growth of an artist. 'Russian Roulette,' to me, is a shining example of her growth and her artistic expression. "Russian Roulette' is definitely taking her to another level. I think she's a pop icon, so her music should reflect that." [MTV]
• "I've definitely said some things that I shouldn't say," admits Megan Fox. "I sometimes forget how things will translate once they are in print. But this is a bullshit industry and I made a decision not to be a bullshit person. I need to hold onto my soul and my integrity and I can't compromise that." [Telegraph]
• Danny DeVito says his character on It's Always Sunning in Philadelphia is "A lustful guy. He wants to always have a girlfriend. I relate to that. I love women. I mean, I'm married, but I used to get in all kinds of trouble. I love the summertime, when all the girls wear the little skimpy clothes, even my daughters. I mean, I'm not gonna lust after my daughters. I'm just saying there are women and there are men in the world, so, you know, get over it. People are going to look." [N.Y. Magazine]
• VIDEO: While hosting the Elle Women In Hollywood Awards, Alec Baldwin told honoree Jullie Andrews,"Julie, you've got three choices: you could follow Robert Pattinson into the men's room, you could rush the stage at a Taylor Swift concert and tell her how great Henry Mancini is, or in order to publicize the Blu-Ray release of 'Sound of Music' you could release one of your own grandchildren in a balloon up in the air." [L.A. Times]
• "Tina [Fey] is my baby girl. She's my sister from another mother of a different color. I'd do 25 to life for her. She is down like four flat tires. She pitched [30 Rock] to me like, 'Yo, this is your personality. It's your alter ego.' She always says, 'Keep the cameras rolling and let Tracy do what he do.' I love that about her." — Tracy Morgan [Playboy]

After Jack dropped the term "real America," Liz informed him, "That's a nonsense term. All of America is "real America." Could that be a dig at Sarah Palin?

Jack's announcement also inspired Tracy to rediscover his humble bucket-drumming roots, while Jenna offered to "go country" since, "the best way for a lady to get heat in this industry is to either record a country album or have a lesbian relationship."

Speaking of feeling the heat, things are tight at NBC due to the recession, so Jack asked Kenneth and the rest of the pages to work longer hours for no overtime. Kenneth, understandably was outraged when he discovered that Jack himself is still earning a bonus, just as many "real Americans" were when they found out Wall Street executives were doing the same.

Meanwhile, Liz and Pete were secretly going to comedy clubs scouting for a new TGS cast member average Americans could relate to. The rest of the writers assumed all the sneaking around meant they were having an affair, and, rather than send them into a panic, Liz admitted, "Pete and I are intercoursing each other."

An opportunity opens up for 30 Rock to boost ratings by taking the lesbian route (sort of). Thankfully, they don't go there.

In the end, Liz wound up losing the entire TGS cast when Jenna and Tracy joined Kenneth's page/mall Santa/bucket drummer strike.

Jack threatened to end the page program, but Kenneth realized he was bluffing (Jack can't afford to pay real employees to do the work!) an, after Jack admitted to lying, the strike was called off. The moral of this story was: Kenneth may be simple, but he's not stupid (and can't be seduced by the sight of Steve Buscemi in a blonde wig).

Earlier: John McCain Plans To Win The "Real" America After You Godless Commies Are Locked Up

In the clip above, Tina says that while she was doing the Bazaar shoot she thought, "Yeah, I look like this!" ... then they turn the wind machine off.

Below, she explains that her daughter is now old enough to pick her own Halloween costume, so the days of stuffing her in a ham sandwich costume and laughing at her are over. Tina doesn't want her to go as a "Barbie butterfly princess," but at least she doesn't want to be one of the Girls Next Door.

This isn't Tina's first time on a women's magazine. She was on the cover of Marie Claire in 2008 to promote Baby Mama — pre-SNL Sarah Palin impression, and before Feynaticism had reached critical mass. At the time, it was a little surprising to see her dressed up on the cover of a magazine since she'd mostly been seen in blazers on Weekend Update and frumpy writer's attire on 30 Rock. In retrospect, she wasn't actually that glammed up in Marie Claire. Sure, her infamous scar was Photoshopped out of every shot, but she's wearing a simple trench coat Liz Lemon might wear, without the diamond earrings and popped collar, and perhaps with a few more mustard stains.

Inside Marie Claire, Tina was pictured with her signature glasses, sitting at a typewriter. She's cute, but she's a writer, not some starlet famous solely for showing up on the red carpet and appearing on magazine covers.

In the new Harper's Bazaar, the tools of Tina's trade are nowhere to be found. Rather than slaving away over a 30 Rock script, she's actually posing.

Of course, Bazaar is generally more focused on fashion than Marie Claire, but the Marie Claire shoot was totally about what Tina does, not what she was wearing. The only notes about her clothes are written in fine print along the magazine's spine, after the hair and makeup credits.

The description of this photo in Bazaar is:

Great style is a cinch. Dress, $1,495, and belt, $1,295, Michael Kors. 212-452-4665. Earrings, $175, Alexis Bittar. alexisbittar.com. Cuff, $14,500, Frank Gehry for Tiffany & Co. 800-526-0649. Shoes, $860, Manolo Blahnik. Barneys New York, NYC; 212-826-6900.

Great style isn't even "easier than putting lipstick on a pitt bull," it's just "a cinch," the same as it would be if Lauren Conrad were wearing that $1,495 Michael Kors dress.

But when Tina stares off into space in Marie Claire, you can tell she's using her "mind grapes" to come up with more ways for Tracy to annoy Jenna.

Tina took her first steps toward a sexier image on the cover of Vanity Fair in January 2009. Much of Maureen Dowd's profile was devoted to the weight loss and makeover that took Tina from "very mousy" to everyone's favorite "brainy glamour-puss." At this point Dowd still need to qualify that she's brainy albeit a glamour-puss.

Despite the irritating emphasis on her figure, the description of Tina's clothing is just as hard to find in Vanity Fair as it was in Marie Claire. Though she isn't actually wearing her glasses anymore, they're still in her hand.

Or in her mouth.

She finally loses the glasses in this shot from Vanity Fair, but it seems Annie Leibovitz still wanted to emphasize her personality rather than the little black dress she's dancing in.

It's a far cry from this shot in Bazaar, in which all Tina's saying is, "Hey, check out my $1,995 Yves Saint Laurent cotton-twill bustier dress!"

Now certainly, Tina is smart and talented whether she's holding nerdy accoutrement or not. But are her new fashion-focused photos in Bazaar a step in the right direction? Previously, magazines pushed the image of the smart girl who suddenly looks hot when she whips off her glasses; now Tina is just hot. On the one hand Bazaar is featuring a cover girl who isn't considered conventionally attractive (even though she does have an attractive face and a tiny body) but is famous for her work. On the other hand, why have a celebrity who admits she knows nothing about fashion and compares herself to Tootsie in the cover profile model clothing? Though it's great to see a woman of substance on the cover of magazine aimed at women, we're still more interested in what Tina does, not how she looks in Manolos.

Tina Fey's profile and cover shoot are available online and in the November issue of Harper's Bazaar, on newsstands October 20.

Tina Fey's Cover Shoot [Harper's Bazaar]
Tina Fey Rocks! [Harper's Bazaar]

Earlier: Why Do Women's Magazines Pick Cover Girls Who "Don't Work"?
Vanity Fair: Tina Fey Drops 30 Pounds, Is Scarred For Life

• In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, a visibly angry Jon Gosselin says Kate Gosselin is trying to prevent him from seeing their twins on their birthday tomorrow but, "She can't tell me what to do... I'm just going to stay."

• Kate wants Jon to spend only two hours with the kids tomorrow, but Jon says he owns half of the house and has joint custody, so he'll do what he pleases. Jon explains that he knows what Kate says about him to the kids when he's not there because, "Maddy can't keep a secret. She tells me right away." He adds, "This thing has gotten so crazy and we've let too many people in, and everything's going haywire…They didn't ask for this. It's not their fault. But it is our fault by throwing our kids out there, shoving a camera in their face and asking an eight- or nine-year-old to explain it." [Entertainment Tonight]
• In the video at the link Jon Gosselin pulls out his Blackberry and reads an email from Kate Gosselin about the party. They had planned to host it together but she says, "Due to recent events, it'll be too stressful." Jon calls her ridiculous and says, "I can stay as long as I want... and I will." [TMZ]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin's scheduled hearing over their money dispute was cancelled today because the judge's wife died of cancer. [TMZ]
• The hearing will be delayed by at least a week, which gives Jon Gosselin some more time to blow through the cash he took out of his joint account with Kate. [TMZ]
• Michael Lohan blames Jon Gosselin's problems on his lawyer. "From a legal standpoint, I don't agree with anything being done right now," says Lohan, adding that he believes, "that Jon will not have his kids living with no roof over his head so I think they'll work something out. However, and this is a big however, whoever his counsel was who advised Jon to do what he did are the ones who should be put on the chopping block." [Radar Online]
• TMZ has pictures of Kevin Federline's rented Tarzana, CA home, which he is accused of destroying. The house he was raising his two boys in was filthy and had cigarettes and glass bottles tossed all over the yard and near play areas. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston's rep says reports that she and Brad Pitt met in a New York City hotel to discuss his relationship with Angelina Jolie are untrue. [Us]
• Robert "Joe" Halderman didn't expose David Letterman's affair with his live-in-girlfriend Stephanie Birkitt for financial reasons. "This wasn't about money, not money alone," said a source. "This was revenge. It was about making Letterman miserable. He wants to hurt Letterman as much as he can — and he wanted to hurt the girl, too." [N.Y. Post]
• Stephanie Birkitt has been banned from the Late Show With David Letterman set. [TMZ]
• Tila Tequila explained on her blog that the "post traumatic stress" she's been suffering since the domestic violence incident with Shawne Merriman was what led her to Tweet, "I am going to kill myself cuz I don't want to life in a world where its filled with IGNORANCE! which majority of you ARE! & racists!" She writes: "I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed that the whole world witnessed my very public meltdown about being suicidal, but at the same time, I know that I shouldn't be... Had I not spoken out for help, my loved ones would not have seen my cry for help, and I probably wouldn't be alive today. Had I not done what I did that night, I most definitely would have made the biggest mistake of my life, that I can never undo." [E!]
• Janet Jackson says she hasn't been reading or watching the news since Michael Jackson's death. "People can have rhinoceros skin, but there's a point when something's going to hurt you," she said. "I haven't watched the news in weeks. I had to ask my chef, 'How's Obama doing?' I haven't read a newspaper." [The Sun]
• Though the sheriff's deputy who arrested Mel Gibson called TMZ twice on the same day the site leaked parts of his report including his anti-Semitic comments, authorities investigating the leak say they couldn't identify who handed over the report. [L.A. Times]
• Nick Nolte's son Brawley King Nolte, who was the kidnapped kid in Ransom, was arrested for suspicion of DUI and possession of a controlled substance yesterday in Santa Monica. His bail is set at $5,000. [TMZ]
• Janice Dickinson ignored a lawsuit filed against her by City National Bank and now a judge has ruled that she has to pay $304,449, the balance she owed on a loan plus attorney fees. [TMZ]
• At the link, watch a video for the campaign to get Tracy Morgan to join Twitter. [Buzzfeed]
• Jennifer Hudson will film a Christmas special for ABC called Jennifer Hudson: I'll Be Home for Christmas in Chicago. [AP]
• Alicia Keys is launching AK Worldwide, a new company that will handle her projects, especially her non-music related work. "It is really about finding ways to bring forth things into the world that will give you and all the people that encounter them, and myself, inspiration," she said. [AP]
• Outside the Cheesecake Factory last night Kanye West told the paparazzi that he ordered chicken because, "I'm black." [TMZ]
• The Lego David Bowie in the upcoming Lego: Rock Band game is so detailed it has two different colored eyes. [N.Y. Magazine]
• Illeana Douglas is producing a new web series called Sparhusen about a Swedish band that plays music for IKEA. It's a spinoff of her web series Easy To Assemble about a fictional version of herself taking a job at the store. [Entertainment Weekly]
• Heidi Klum has checked into the hospital to give birth to her daughter. [Perez Hilton]
• Rainn Wilson will star in a series of ads for the NBA on TNT. [UPI]
• Reports that Lisa Marie Presley's 17-year-old son has signed a recording contract with Universal Music are untrue. [People]
• Mark "Hollywood" Hatten says his ex-girlfriend Anna Nicole Smith was always, "begging with me to kill E. Pierce Marshall" because she felt that after her husband died, his son Pierce was "standing in the way of her money." [TMZ]
• At the link is a commercial featuring Drew Barrymore for this week's Saturday Night Live. [Just Jared]
• Maksim Chmerkovskiy says he's relived that his partner Debi Mazar has been kicked off Dancing With the Stars because he won't have to endure any more awkward encounters with his ex-fiancée, Karina Smirnoff. "I feel completely betrayed. I'm done," he said. [People]
• Marion Ross, who played Mrs. Cunningham on Happy Days, will do a five episode stint as Sally Field's mother on Brothers & Sisters. [L.A. Times]
• Jermaine Clement says Flight of the Conchords will, "be on one of the future Rock Bands. We don't know which songs yet but we're thinking about it at the moment and we're open to suggestions." [ONTD]
• Hilary Swank says, "For a long time, I was a loner because [my ex-husband Chad Lowe] was my best friend, and we were really happy just hanging out, he and I. I think it was maybe five years ago that I realized how important my friends were to me, and I realized they were a big part of my letting go. When I got divorced three years ago, I needed them more than ever. I have really good girlfriends. Mariska Hargitayis my best friend." [Just Jared]
• Prepare to have your heart broken: Emma Thompson has signed the petition to free Roman Polanski. [Shakesville]
• In the new Harper's Bazaar cover story, Tina Fey says that Liz Lemon and Carrie Bradshaw would get along because, "Liz has little to no style and little to no sex drive" and "Carrie would be very encouraging of Lemon and help her have more confidence." [People]

• Katy Perry, like Lady Gaga before her, has succumbed to the charms of Jean-Charles de Castelbajac's fall collection. The singer wore this dress to the label's spring show — which is like wearing the band t-shirt to the concert. [People]

• Twelve Syrian fashion designers presented 60 looks in a catwalk show at a Damascus hotel. Framed portraits of Bashar and Hafez Assad looked down on the runway. [Breitbart]
• During a burlesque performance at Simon Cowell's birthday party, a man stripped down to a thong, wandered into the audience, and picked up Kate Moss and gave her a twirl. All while singing, "Don't Stop Believing." Shame her boyfriend, Jamie Hince, didn't think it was funny: he started yelling at the supermodel. [P6]
• Giambattista Valli, who used to design the house of Ungaro's ready-to-wear line before founding his own critically acclaimed label, speaks out on the Lindsay Lohan "artistic director" debacle: "An actress ought to be an actress, and a fashion designer ought to be a fashion designer. These are their own professions, so everybody ought to concentrate on one thing. I chose, in my life, to be a fashion designer." [FWD]
• Barneys New York's winter windows will present mannequins in tableaux based on famous moments from Saturday Night Live. Yes, there will be a Tina-Fey-As-Sarah-Palin. And an Amy Poehler on 'Weekend Update'. [WWD]
• Times' Critical Shopper Cintra Wilson, on Isaac Mizrahi's boutique: "Mr. Mizrahi's new boutique is cheerful and comfy: poured concrete floors, off-white armchairs draped with fur blankets. The designer appears to be playing his greatest hits for his most loyal audience: Upper East Side ladies of a certain age, for whom the designer seems to feel great tenderness and sympathy. Women who are vivacious without being loud, who defer to convention but still want to appear playful and smart." [NYTimes]
• Sylvia Venturini Fendi — the woman behind two of the biggest blockbuster bags of our time: the Baguette and the Spy — tells Women's Wear Daily that if the rumor that the Italian shows might decamp from Milan to Rome, which WWD was first to even mention, is true, she wouldn't be bothered in the least. "I think Rome is the perfect place for creative happenings. Gucci is there, Valentino. We are Roman — why not?" [WWD]
• In further "reporting" on its own rumor, the trade pub discovered that, actually, the head of the Italian Chamber of Fashion says relocation is "nonsense." [WWD]
• Speaking of handbags, don't expect to get your Hermès Birkin or Kelly any faster simply because of this recession: the company, long having incorporated artificial scarcity into its sales plan, says there is no reduction in the typical two-year waiting time for a purse. "It is shocking to have to wait two to three years, so we try to train as many craftsmen as we can," says Patrick Thomas, the chief executive. But: "Consumer demand has grown so fast that we haven't yet managed to reduce the waiting lists." Sure, sure. [FT]
• Four Chinese firms are seeking the bankruptcy of Ellen Tracy in a Manhattan bankruptcy court; they claim they are owed $3.8 million for goods sold. Macy's, which just yesterday announced an agreement to sell Ellen Tracy exclusively at a lower price point, says the petition doesn't affect the deal, as the firms' dispute is with the brand's former owners. The bankruptcy judge ordered Ellen Tracy to file lists of creditors and assets by October 21. [Crain's]
• Due to a slump in demand, Versace has shut its four stores in Japan, and is in the process of closing its Tokyo office. The Italian brand had operated in Japan for nearly 30 years. [FT]

Here are some highlights from this year's report:

• The lead article, "Females Make Inroads Into Conducting," is actually rather depressing. Few women have ever conducted orchestras in the U.S. or abroad. Though a handful of female conductors have been making headway since the '70s, no female conductor has ever been named artistic director of one of the top-tier American orchestras, and less than 12% of orchestras of any size are headed by women in the U.S. In March, Chinese-born conductor Xian Zhang was named musical director of Milan's Giuseppe Verdi Orchestra, becoming Italy's first high-profile female conductor, and in the U.S. women have recently been named artistic director at three smaller regional ensembles: the Reno Philarmonic, the Berkeley Symphony, and the Flagstaff Symphony. "There's still a lot of sexism in this field, though it seems to be changing, albeit slowly," says Atlanta Symphony Orchestra music director Robert Spano. "Apparently, we can have female prime ministers abroad and female secretaries of State, but not female music directors. It's been quite discouraging."
  
  
• It seems Mad Men's January Jones has taken Tracy Jordan's advice to "live every week like it's Shark Week" to heart. She was honored for her work as Oceana's celebrity spokesperson for decimated shark populations. She grew up in landlocked South Dakota and was fascinated by the ocean. "I had shark book and every documentary I could get my hands on. I think they're incredibly beautiful and prehistoric," she says, "Without sharks, there is no ocean life." Jones is filming PSAs for the group and later this month she'll head to D.C. to fight for a bill that would stop finning, the process of removing a shark's fin for food then letting it die a slow death in the ocean. "You already can't bring sharks without fins intact into the Atlantic coast. This (law) would expand to the Pacific, effectively stopping finning in American waters," she says.
  
  
• Maria Bello, who has starred in A History of Violence and ER was honored for her work with the Save Darful Coalition. "In 2003, when the genocide started happening, I thought it was my duty and my right and my privilege as a human being, as a woman living in a democracy, and as a public figure to speak out and use my voice to talk about the injustice," she says, "I found out through being a part of Save Darfur that it is the women and mothers who are transforming and changing the face of the peace process in Darfur and in other countries. We're working on creating a council of women from D.C. and the media and business — real women leaders who can work to promote issues of social justice and be involved from the ground level up."
  
  
• Sigourney Weaver was recognized for her work with The Flea Theater in New York City, an Off Off Broadway theater that produces noncommercial work in a professional atmosphere, and gives young thespians the opportunity to work with established artists in various workshops and productions. "I went to arguably one of the better drama schools in the country (Yale) in the 1970s, and I came out of that school not really knowing very much," Weaver says. "I found that working in Off Off Broadway shows was a real artistic home. I learned on my feet working with new plays and writers; that's where my true training really began."
  
  
• It seemed a little odd that Tina Fey was left off last year's list, but now it seems it was for the best. Did Variety predict that Fey hadn't reached her peak yet, even before the world became aware of a certain Alaska governor? Since Fey's responses to the standard set of questions Variety asks all the women in the report are culled from previous interviews, we'll assume she's been so bombarded with accolades this year that she didn't even bother to respond. The same goes for Kate Winslet, who is recognized for finally winning an Oscar this year. Variety reports that her "career mantra" is "There's more to life than cheeckbones," which is actually just something she told Rolling Stone... in 1998.
  
  
• Alice Ripley won a Tony this year for her performance as Diana, a bipolar wife and mother who undergoes drug and shock therapy in Next to Normal. She says, "The role takes a woman onstage in a musical to a place she has never been, and takes the audience as well." Variety asks about her "philanthropic passion" and she makes a rare admission for an actress: "I don't honestly have the time or energy to support anybody else's cause but my own, which is self-expression. So I guess if I had a cause it would be education."
  
  
• Southland executive producer Ann Biderman says, "I'm just writing about people that I care about... I don't believe in those restrictions that say men are interested in copshows and women are interested in romantic comedies. In [Southland] there's this huge struggle between chaos and control. Those life-and-death stakes will always be intriguing."
  
  
• Many people were shocked that The Hurt Locker, a film about the war in Iraq, was directed by Kathryn Bigelow... a woman. "Of course I find gender typecasting more than a little old-fashioned and dated, but it doesn't bother me," she says. "Honestly, more than anything, I'm happy if people like the film. I've been around long enough to know it doesn't always go that way."
  
  
• Jane Campion, whose latest film Bright Star is about the romance of Fanny Brawne and John Keats says, "I was familiar with Keats, as many people are, as someone from long ago, dusty history, school... You don't really understand it, you don't know much about it. And I was really shocked reading Andrew Motion's Keats biography a few years ago when it came to the love story, because I found it completely compelling — mostly because of the letters from Keats to Fanny. I felt terribly touched with the tragedy and the beauty of that first love; there was something so tender about it for me. That's something I like in this world, tenderness. Something I wanted to share."
  
  
• Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke says she refused to do the sequel New Moon even after the film had the biggest opening weekend for a film by a female director ever. She explains that she's always turned down sequels but, "when Twilight made all this money my agent said, 'Maybe they'll really let you do what you want and give you more time.' I knew Chris Nolan had three years between 'Batman' movies, Jon Favreau had two years between 'Iron Man' movies." However, "Since the kids are not supposed to age they wanted to release the new movie a year to the date of the first. So I would have had less prep time than I had on the first one."
  
  
• Nora Ephron says despite her many successful films including this summer's Julie and Julia she still doubts herself sometimes. "I'd always wanted to have the career of someone like Woody Allen," she says, "but I don't know how he does it. I could never produce multiple films a year every year. Even if they paid me huge amounts of money and let me use all the unfinished scraps I have in my closet."
  
  
• CNN's chief international correspondent Christiane Amanpour will begin hosting her own Sunday news show on the network this month called, Amanpour. "We'll tackle the big issues of our time in terms that are relevant and understandable," she says, adding, "I'm apprehensive, of course... It's completely different for me."
  
  
• When asked about her "leisure pursuits" Rachel Maddow says: "I drink. I'm a hobbyist bartender. I make pre-Prohibition, classic American cocktails."
  
  
• "I think 'nice' is a very effective way to do business and always pays off in the long run," says Andrea Wong, Lifetime's president and CEO. Apparently Wong wasn't following this rule when she poached Project Runway from Bravo, but she explains she wanted the show because it's "the perfect fit for where I wanted to take this network." JoAnn Alfano, the network's executive VP of entertainment says, "Everyone knew the Lifetime name, but we had become so synonymous with victim movies that if a woman was experiencing a bad situation, people would say, 'You sound like a Lifetime movie.' Look, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Changing that perception will take time."
  
  
• In addition to making Joan Holloway and Betty Draper look fabulous on TV, Mad Men costume designer Janie Bryant's work is so popular that "Mad Men style" has crossed over into real life. We've noticed the show's huge influence on women's clothing, but didn't realize it's having an even bigger effect on men's fashion, which usually changes very slowly. Arthur Wayne, director of communications for Brooks Brothers, says menswear is "more evolutionary than revolutionary, but for the last two years we have seen a real shift in men wearing slimmer suits. I think what Janie has done for the show plays right into that." Brooks Brothers made some of the suits worn on screen in season three and Bryant designed a "Mad Men edition" suit for the store. It comes out later this fall and is expected to be a big hit with both men, and women forcing their significant other to dress like Don Draper.

Women's Impact Report '09 [Variety]

Earlier: Variety Honors, Offends Women In Entertainment

Rose Byrne's "Glinda" special is straight-up beautiful.


Also in the fairy princess camp: a radiant Drew Barrymore.


I don't remember the last time Jennifer Love Hewitt looked so simply pretty on the red carpet.


Lovely to see Christina Hendricks showcasing her bombshell figure in something simple.


Kate Walsh departs from her usual sleek lines with a gorgeous, subtle Grecian number.


Seriously digging Alex Borstein's fun deco ensemble.


Leighton Meester's is definitely one of the top 3 looks of the evening.
[Images via Getty]


Maybe not my favorite look of the evening, but Kim Kardashian is still glam, and gorgeous.


It's always nice to see someone do sleeves on the red carpet - especially when the results are as elegant as Elizabeth Perkins'.


Lindsay Price took a gamble on a basically safe red carpet; I think it paid off.


The tricky gowns are the ones that aren't hideous or gorgeous, but kind of on the fence. I'd put this Jessica McClintock-y number in a "Meh" category if there was one - but the fit and Vanessa's elan take it into positive territory.


Loving Holly Hunter's juxtaposition of geometric and soft.


Speaking of geometric: I'm guessing January Jones' bold gown will be somewhat polarizing; I love it.


Jennifer Carpenter's old-Hollywood exercise in intricacy is one of the few cases when you don't wince to think of so much handwork going into something disappointing.


Alicia Witt's feathered friend is slightly surreal - but not over-the-top.


If anyone can do straight-up 80's power red, it's Sigourney Weaver.


Chloe Sevigny's dress may well be my favorite of the entire evening. Also, decade.


Jane Krakowski's was one of the best of the many disco-inflected numbers.


As was Kaley Cooco's human Oscar.


Cherry Jones has the height for these statuesque lines.


Kourtney Kardashian looks more elegant and naturally beautiful in maternity than I've ever seen her.


Heidi Klum, of course, wrote the book.


Kat Deeley's natural (which, yes, obvioulsy took 4 hours) hair and makeup are a stunning counterpoint to her goddessy gown.


Sure she's been more glam, but I dig how low-key Sally Field kept it.


While I've yet to see a red-carpet look that adequately conveys Mindy Kaling's awesome, I'd say this playful, pretty frock is a definite "good." Even if it looks painful.


If you have to do "Reagan-era," Debra Messing shows how.


Elisabeth Moss' regal situation is almost too busy - I think it's the rich, subtle color that keeps it in bounds.


Sandra Oh overcomes this unfortunate belt by the skin of her sequins.


As you can see, the metallics were totally out of control - but Mariska's not Jayne Mansfield's daughter for nothin'.


Tina Fey nails it. That is all.


I like Mila Kunis' slightly unexpected wine tasting: you?


And why was Mary-Louise Parker the only one with the cajones for a mini?


Jennifer Westfeldt flirts with dowdiness - it's her radiant smile that saves her.


Amy Poehler: adorable.


Ginnifer Goodwin's gown: youthful, gorgeous, apparently magic.


Julia Louis-Dreyfus knows what works for her and doesn't deviate.

• Tina Fey won the Emmy for Best Guest Actress in a Comedy last night for her portrayal of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live.Accepting the award, Fey thanked her parents, "who are lifelong Republicans, for their patience." [AP]

• Justin Timberlake also won an Emmy for his guest stint on SNL, and Joss Whedon picked up an Emmy as well, for Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. [E!]
• An insider claims that VH1 is scaling back on their reality programming after the tragic death of Jasmine Fiore at the hands of former VH1 contestant, Ryan Jenkins. "They are freaking out," says the source, "It's bad for their image to continue casting crazy characters. Producers realize the whole reality-TV thing has gotten completely out of hand. Two of their shows featured a murderer." [PageSix]
• Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself topped the box office Friday, bringing in 8.6 million dollars. [EW]
• "It's everything you could imagine and more."-Gossip Girl's Joanna Garcia on kissing her co-star, Chace Crawford. [People]
• Steven Soderbergh says he won't make an Ocean's Fourteen because Bernie Mac has passed away: "For me it was three (movies) and out but any possibility of ever revisiting that ended when Bernie Mac died. I don't think any of us would want to go back and do that without him, so that's it." [DailyExpress]
• "I remember people saying, 'Believe me, everything in your life is going to change…' And I thought, 'Why? That's such a bourgeois way of thinking.' And then you have a child and yes, everything changes. It affects the way we live, what we do and where we go – everything. And I wouldn't have it any other way."-Maggie Gyllenhaal [DailyMail]
• "Everyone's childhood shapes them, doesn't it, but often it's not until later in life that you realise you can choose to take bits of it with you, and reject other bits. People assume we had a crazy life, which we did, but it wasn't that crazy. On some levels it was quite normal. I mean we weren't like the Jaggers or anything, always hanging out with other celeb families. That would've been weird."-Jack Osbourne [DailyMail]
• "If you look around at girls who are older than me who are children of celebrities, hardly any of them have matured, hardly any of them have grown up to be… I wouldn't say decent human beings, but productive human beings. They are not bad people; they just don't do anything and I don't want to have a life where I don't have a reason to get out of bed every morning. And a reason to me isn't who I'm having lunch with at Fred Segal."-Kelly Osbourne [Guardian]
• Guy Richie plays guitar in an Irish ceilidh group and says "a good music session with these Irish lads is unbeatable. Better than any Madonna concert or anything." [DailyMail]
• After a media executive tore a picture of her in two, angry that she skipped an after-party for her new film at the Toronto Film Festival, Jennifer Connelly appeared in tears at a press conference the next day, explaining that she skipped the party in order to grieve the first anniversary of her father's death. The exec has since apologized. [EdmontonSun]
• 64-year-old Michael Douglas says that directors won't cast him as a romantic lead anymore. "No love-interest stuff for me now. I play the bad guy, the rough old villain. My character is that duplicitous meanie I somehow specialise in." [Telegraph]
• John Travolta and Kelly Preston made their first public appearance since the death of their son, Jett, nine months ago, in order to promote Travolta's new film, Old Dogs. [People]
• Elton John says that he's thinking of adopting a 14-month-old Ukranian baby: "David and I have always talked about adoption," he says, "David always wanted to adopt a child and I always said 'no' because I am 62 and I think because of the traveling I do and the life I have, maybe it wouldn't be fair for the child. But having seen Lev today, I would love to adopt him. I don't know how we do that but he has stolen my heart." [Reuters]
• "I think the way I behave is normal for someone my age and in my situation. I know a lot of guys in bands who go to awards ceremonies and get into the same sort of states that I get myself into, and that's not negatively reported on. So it feels kind of unjust."-Lily Allen [DailyMail]
• Jay Leno claims that NBC executives wanted him to turn over the Tonight Show to Conan earlier than he actually did: "Actually, they wanted me out in three years," Leno says the network told him five years ago, "I had to argue to get the other two." [UPI]
• "I don't hang out with Rob or Kristen.They are attractive humans, yes they are. I'm nice with Rob also. I look great with him too. I think I look better with Rob…Rob's awesome. I love him to death."-Kellan Lutz on his Twilight co-stars, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. [ShowbizSpy]