• A day after hinting at the contents of Mariah Carey's uterus, Nick Cannon said on a radio show, "I haven't told my wife I'm doing this so I'm probably gonna get yelled at for not getting permission...We are having twins!"

• American sweetheart Reese Witherspoon has just plunked down $7 million to buy real-life action figure Steven Seagal's sprawling Brentwood home. It's got nine bathrooms, seven bedrooms, a swimmin' pool, and a Buddhist temple where Seagal liked to meditate.

• In an upcoming MTV documentary about her, Nicki Minaj discusses how The Showbiz's double-standardism discourages women artists from being more assertive. "When I am assertive, I'm a bitch," she says. "When a man is assertive, he's a boss."

Yes, I thought Jesse James had gotten himself into more Nazi uniform-related trouble when I read the headline, too, but it turns out that he was involved in an errant car race, not in the more-expected racism.

Malin Ackerman, who sort of looks familiar, kind of, a little, will replace Lohan in the Linda Lovelace biopic. I'm sure Dina is looking for someone to sue as we speak.

• Dina Lohan would like to take legal action against Glee for mocking Lindsay Lohan.

Tiger Woods's (alleged) mistress Rachel Uchitel is speaking out — about her "love addiction," her plan to become a private detective, and how much hotter she is than Tiger's other paramours.

• Christina Aguilera, a woman who cannot stop releasing songs that are a metaphor for her vagina, celebrated her new found freedom by allegedly engaging in a menage a trois with Sam Ronson, America's favorite gateway lesbian.

For all of us who really didn't hear enough about Tiger Woods's sex scandal, mistress Loredana Jolie is now telling her side of the story. Her book comes out next month — and it promises to be really weird.

• Investigators have reportedly concluded that Justin Bieber didn't hit a 12-year-old during a laser tag match over the weekend, but the other boy was taunting Bieber, calling him a "faggot."

• Christina Hendricks has allegedly told friends that she wants to lose about thirty pounds.

• Christina Aguilera has filed for divorce just two days after announcing her separation from Jordan Bratman, citing "irreconcilable differences."

• Though Heidi Klum won't be part of this year's Victoria's Secret fashion show, the event will feature Katy Perry, Akon, and Adriana Lima in a $2 million diamond, sapphire and topaz bra.

• Today David Arquette called in to Howard Stern's radio show and said separation was Courteney Cox's idea. In fact, he's "been begging Courteney to get back with me" — so why did he share details about their sex life?

• While performing for sailors aboard the U.S.S. Harry S. Truman in the Persian Gulf last week, Jessica Simpson didn't handle the 97 degree heat well. After downing three Red Bulls with no water, she sang one song, then vomited.

• Michael Lohan reportedly tried to visit Lindsay Lohan in rehab, but security guards at the Betty Ford Center turned him away because visiting hours were over. However, that hasn't stopped him from bothering staffers.

• The mystery man Gisele Bündchen was seen canoodling with at a Paris Vogue party is believed to be a New York art dealer — and ex-boyfriend of Bündchen's fellow Brazilian model Ana Beatriz Barros — named Helly Nahmad. Ahem. [Racked]

• It's from The Sun, so, you know, consider the source and all, but one of Lady Gaga's roadies claims that the singer is planning to marry her boyfriend, Luc Carl in a "fairytale" ceremony this winter.

• During a Sirius Radio interview, CNN's Rick Sanchez called Jon Stewart a "bigot", implied the media is controlled by Jews, and said network bosses passed him over for a promotion because he's Cuban-American. CNN responded by firing him.

• Seventy-two year old Jane Fonda is talking about her recent plastic surgery, saying, "It was a hard decision to make."