• Gerard Butler is not, repeat, not dating Jennifer Aniston.

"I love her to death," he says. "She's the coolest and she's become a great friend, but there's nothing going on. And if there was, I'd be happy to say it!" Next week's tabloids covers: JEN'S HEARTBREAK! REJECTED BY GERARD! [E!]

• Starbucks barista to Nicole Kidman: "You know who you look like — that lady who used to be married to Tom Cruise. What's her name?" [Page Six]
• Randy and Evi Quaid were arrested yesterday, but they posted bail last night after the Presidio County Sheriff was kind enough to drive them to an ATM. Apparently law enforcement sources believe Randy and Evi have a pattern of staying in pricey hotels and not paying when they leave. [TMZ]
• Jude Law is the biological father of a newborn child, but he has told his one night stand Samantha Burke that he will not see their daughter for three months. He needs to finish Hamlet on Broadway first. [Telegraph, Telegraph]
• Bruce Willis doesn't like Facebook: "It's frightening, I think it's like the fall of Rome. Three years from now, after all the bees are dead..." [Mirror]
• In her book, Mackenzie Phillips claims she had sex with Mick Jagger when she was 18 (he would have been around 35). "I've been waiting for this since you were 10 years old," Jagger allegedly told her. She says: "I'd known Mick since I was a kid, and maybe most people think their parents' friends are old and gross. But this was Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger! He was hot. He had the most perfect ass in history." [NY Post]
• Britney Spears' 50/50 custody split with Kevin Federline will continue, at least through the end of the year. [TMZ]
• Chris Brown has booked his first show since assaulting Rihanna in February: He'll play Power 105.1's Powerhouse '09 concert with Keri Hilson, TheDream and Trey Songz. A source says: "Chris isn't advertiser-safe yet - his image has a long way to go… But for this show, he'll draw a crowd, so the producers of the show are willing to pay." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Jessica Alba's one-year-old daughter Honor is becoming bilingual. "I am a mother who shoves information down her throat, poor thing," Jessica says. "I sing her songs about colors in Spanish and English when I'm cooking. Literally I integrate learning into everything I do. We're into colors because I feel that's something a 15-month-old can sort of identify. So now she kind of points to blue and says 'azul' and I say 'Yes, azul, muy bien!' It's slow going but she's sort of picking it up." [People]
• How is Travis Barker doing after surviving a plane crash and the death of his good buddy DJ AM? Friend Rob Dyrdek says he's doing "better than I would probably think anyone would really expect." [People]
• "Mariah Carey is in a happy place with projects, love life." [USA Today]
• Brody Jenner's girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, is suing Joe Francis, alleging assault and battery. Joe Francis' response: "Jayde Nicole is an absolute and total liar. The only thing that Jayde Nicole is famous for is having a tattoo of the word 'respect' above her vagina." What does that have to do with anything? [TMZ]
• Khloe Kardashian's fiance, Lamar Odom, called off his bachelor party, which was to be hosted by Joe Francis and Khloe's brother Rob. Lamar opted for a private dinner with his teammates (and Joe and Rob) instead, which sounds like a smart move. [TMZ]
• Lamar Odom's bachelor party was supposed to have "stripper poles, midgets, and tons of candy." Because Joe Francis is classy like that. [Page Six]
• Sources says Ok! magazine will pay $300,000 for an exclusive on Khloe Kardashian's wedding. The money will go to Khloe and her mom. [Gatecrasher]
• Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner's former "number one" girlfriend, is getting her own reality show, Planet Holly. Holly says: "It's the perfect excuse for me to be normal in a lighthearted comedy romp. Think Mary Tyler Moore.' Um… MTM did not pose nude or have implants, though, right? [NY Daily News]
• Gossip Girl's Kelly Rutherford has filed court documents alleging that her stressful relationship with her ex husband has affected her ability to produce breast milk for her three-month old daughter. [Extra]
• Kelly Rutherford has been granted a temporary restraining order against her ex-husband, claiming he follows, threatens and scares her, her nanny, and her mother. [NY Daily News]
• Even though Kelis and Nas have been pictured together, their divorce is still on; there will be a hearing November 20. [TMZ]
• Jermaine Jackson's Michael Jackson tribute: "badly organized." [BBC News]
• Anne Heche says that she doesn't plan on marrying the father of her six-month-old child: "I want to stay in love." [E!]
• "Dancing with the Stars goes recession chic by reusing Shawn Johnson's costume for Natalie Coughlin." [NY Daily News]
• Click to see a picture of Emma Thompson is a Morris dancer outfit. [Daily Mail]
• Ricky Gervais explains how he got Philip Seymour Hoffman to do a cameo in his new film The Invention Of Lying: "I didn't know Philip Seymour Hoffman, but I sent him an email saying, 'Dear Philip, please do my new film. There's no money as I spent the entire budget on testicular implants. But don't think of them as my testicles, think of them as our testicles.' He loved it, and it worked." [Telegraph]
• From a great piece on Catherine Deneuve: "When we are talking of her role as a fashion model, and we reach the face, she confirms that she has never had any work done on it, while many of her age have. 'I haven't had the time,' she jokes. Then she adds: 'If you want an explanation, you would have to meet my mother. She is 98. It's genetic.'" [Times Of London]
• Edward Norton will play The Hulk in the Avengers movie. Norton says: "The thing about [Marvel's] universe that's fun is that it all cross-pollinates. Even when I was working on the script [for 'The Incredible Hulk'], I tried to plug in the whole Super-Soldier Serum from Captain America." [MTV News]
• "Olivia Newton-John claims to have seen UFO." [Telegraph]
• Justin Guarini, whose nose job nose is kind of insane, is getting married this weekend in a "spiritual," "intimate" service, which means Kelly Clarkson probably won't be there. [Prz]
• Brigitte Bardot is about to turn 75, and this column "reveals a life lived between bed and bedlam." [Daily Mail]
• Redmond O'Neal has been moved from jail to a an in-patient drug rehab facility. [People]
• Charles Manson follower Susan Atkins, who admitted killing actress Sharon Tate 40 years ago, has died. [NY Post]
• "As ailing showbiz mogul Dick Clark prepares to celebrate his 80th birthday in November, a new documentary threatens to tarnish his image by recounting his controversial beginnings." One word: Payola. [Reuters]
• "Richard Pryor's two children say they were never told their late father set up a trust for them…" [TMZ]
• "I haven't watched Vampire Diaries. And I haven't seen Twilight either." — True Blood's Stephen Moyer. [E!]
• "I think that by understanding Chanel's character and different sources of inspiration, you understand the rest of her life." — Audrey Tautou. [WSJ]
• "It's the first time that I really want to have kids. I've been very fortunate in my career, and my life has been about that for so long that you get bored of it. You're ready for your life to be about other people and other things." — Vince Vaughn, recently engaged... Will this turn into another "poor Jennifer Aniston" story? [People]
• "I wanna eat my potatoes and French fries and sponge cakes. When I play a role like this, I can't have my carbs and it makes me crazy." — Gerard Butler. [E!]
• "It's odd for my kids when they turn up at the theater and see me being a parent in a film. I know they're thinking, 'Who are these kids that are around my dad?' But they seem OK with it. Actually, my girls completely boss me. I have no power in my house whatsoever. I am the geek of my household. I am so low-status in my house, you wouldn't believe it. I'm definitely not treated like a movie star." — Clive Owen, who plays a widower dad in his new film The Boys Are Back. [Parade]
• "I love playing Peggy [Olson]. Finding the balance between playing her, finding new things, and not losing her, and constantly finding enough new stuff to keep her remaining herself…Playing her is an exercise in remaining simple, despite the fact that she is becoming more complicated. [She's] not out to hut anyone, she's just trying to figure out who she is. But it still is agenda-free. She is looking for her place in the world." — Elisabeth Moss, who is on the September cover of Vanice magazine. [JustJared]
• "Hitler was a genius orator. To make that many people turn and change and hate, he had to be a showman and he was." — Michael Jackson, on Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's tapes, which are now a book. [Daily Mail]
• Michael Jackson was asked by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, "Is there a lot of jealousy in your profession?" "Absolutely," Jackson says, "and 'M' is one of them. Madonna." [Page Six]
• "We're more in love than ever. It's great." — Patricia Arquette, who filed for divorce from husband Thomas Jane earlier this year but is now back with him. [People]
• "Atheism has been on the rise for years now, and the Bible of the atheists is [Darwin's] The Origin of Species. We have a situation in our country where young people are entering college with a belief in God and exiting with that faith being stripped and shredded. What we want to do is have student make an informed, educated decision before they chuck their faith.… I am proud to bring this to people's attention. You see things in the world that are truly distressing and you think, 'What can I do?' Well this is something I can do." — Kirk Cameron. [People]

What, was that too crass? It shouldn't be - protagonist Ray's penis is the focal point of Hung's story, his only redeeming quality after his life takes a dramatic turn for the worst. After his wife leaves him for a wealthy dermatologist, his house burns down in a fire (while his insurance was lapsed, no less), he sleeps in a tent, he's out of money, and the basketball team he coaches is hasn't won a game yet this season. And yet, defiant in the face of adversity, Ray presses on, ultimately resorting to making money with the one aspect of himself that is universally praised: his penis. And, considering the reaction of the women he comes across, it must be something to see:

Ray's companion on his long slog of misery is Tanya, a woman he initially met through a school arts program and re-meets at an entrepreneurship seminar. Tanya starts off as a stereotypically lonely woman, but gets more and more eccentric with each passing episode. She and Ray are two sides of the same coin - but with Tanya, she wears the anguish of her failed dreams right where everyone can see them. Longing to leave her mind-numbing day job, and recently a victim of school budget cuts, she dreams desperately of a way out of corporate America and into an artistic life. She becomes Ray's pimp, but only finds more problems trying to pursue her long dormant dream of being a poet. In this scene, Tanya (who is about 40 years old) goes to face down her mother for stifling her creativity at the tender age of fourteen:

Hung, at times, is depressing viewing, as everyone's life just sucks.

Ray's children are busy finding themselves in the midst of their parent's divorce. Stuck with a mother who seems to regard them as a check on a to-do list, daughter Darby loses herself in a relationship with some tool named Hammer, and son Damon attempts to lose himself in a vaguely goth like music culture.

Ray's ex wife, Jessica realizes the dermatologist she married wasn't the magical ticket to wealth she hoped for after he loses nearly $800,000 in the stock market. And the others in Ray and Tanya's orbit are just as grim as they are.

This may be the show's ongoing snatch of irony - that people so personally miserable would bill themselves as happiness consultants.

Still, despite the thankless grind that is Ray's life, I still find myself tuning in. In an interview with the Women and Hollywood blog, series co-creator Colette Burson, she remarks:

As writers, and for me as one of the female creators I felt that Ray was sexy being imperfect. There is something in women that really responds to a man who is imperfect and struggling. The female mind turns off when they are imperfect and not giving a shit about it. But something deep happens in the female psyche when they are trying to keep their head above water whatever their problem is. We really root for them. And so Ray is not perfect. He's beautiful but flawed.

I don't find Ray all that beautiful, nor does my standard issue "female psyche" inherently get soft hearted over a struggling dude. However, I must admit that in these trying times, with this shitty economy, when everyone feels like Sisyphus , it's comforting to see a guy who has been reduced down to his genitalia look the world in the eye each Sunday and start muttering under his breath.

Hung [HBO]
Interview with Colette Burson, co-creator of Hung [Women and Hollywood]
Sisyphus [Wikipedia]

• Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to the campaign to defeat Proposition 8, the California ballot initiative that would ban same-sex marriage in the state. In a statement, he says: "Because no one has the right to deny another their life even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8." [Variety]
• Hilary Swank is recovering from a "minor" medical procedure; she had a "growth" removed and is totally fine. Except the word "growth" is sorta gross. [ET]
• Amy Poehler is sad about leaving SNL: "I'm on the verge of tears every minute. The cast and writers there are so dear, dear to me. I can't quite imagine not doing it. From now until my due date, we have about six shows and three election specials. I'm so, so sad about leaving." [USA Today]
• Oprah's BFF Gayle King spills on O's 30 Rock stint! "It is a hoot," Gayle tells New York magazine. "It was taped last Saturday. Let me tell you, Tina Fey and Oprah Winfrey together is magic. Oprah and Tina together: Hilarious. H-I-L-A-A-A-R-I-O-U-S." [NY Mag]

• So you know how Lindsay Lohan is all prO-bama, and the Obama camp is like, "Thanks, but no thanks"? Michael Lohan says: "Everyone is entitled to an opinion and so is Obama and his staff. Then again, you know what they say about opinions. Unfortunately, for them, to make such a comment about my daughter was a big mistake… Look at Angelina Jolie and the wonderful things she has done in her life, and now watch how Lindsay does the same." Wait, does this mean that LL is going to adopt a Vietnamese baby? [TMZ]
• Speaking of Lindsay, does she have a crush on Victoria Beckham? At the premiere of Ugly Betty, she was heard saying: "I love her hair. She looks really hot at the moment. It reminds me of Sam." [ONTD]
• Superclassy Joe Francis says: "Lindsay's straight. I think Sam has taken ownership of Lindsay. I think if Sam were to let Lindsay go even that much; Lindsay would revert back to being straight." [E!]
• Will Smith was asked if he was a Scientologist. He replied: "I am not." There you have it! [Perez Hilton]
• Juliette Lewis says Tom Cruise is not the representation of all things Scientology. "I feel so bad for him, because that's the responsibility that's put on him." She also says Scientology is not what you think it is: "It's just really practical, applied religious philosophy. And you'll get lost in the media with these fantastic, fantastical - is that a word? - stories of, like, aliens and, you know, gay cover-ups … the rumours, they're astonishing. And they would be funny, if they weren't so hurtful." [Perez Hilton]
• Here's video of Madonna falling on stage in concert while playing guitar and grinding, "just for the lulz." [ONTD]
• By the by, in Madonna's film, her directorial debut called Filth And Wisdom, a pivotal scene involves a stripper dancing to Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time." [Yahoo News]
• Jennifer Aniston is in Mexico with a mystery man. [The Sun]
• R. Kelly was interviewed for the first time since being acquitted of child pornography charges. When asked if he liked teenage girls, Kelly replied: "When you say teenage, how — how old are we talkin' ... 19? I have some 19-year-old friends. But I don't like anybody illegal, if that's what we're talking about, underage." [Yahoo News]
• Rose McGowan said that she would have joined the Irish Republican Army if she'd lived in Belfast during the conflicts there; producers of her film, Fifty Dead Men Walking have issued a statement that goes like this: "Ms. McGowan's views were private ones, and as such they greatly saddened the film's producers." [Hollywood Reporter]
• Elizabeth Hurley is now like the Jimmy Dean of England and sells pork for sausage and bacon. No, really. [The Sun]
• Jason Wahler's trial is set for November 3; he's accused of roughing up a tow-truck driver. There are also allegations that he shouted racial slurs at the plaintiff, who is black. [E!]
• Gary Coleman has been charged with misdemeanor reckless driving and disorderly conduct after an incident at a bowling alley in Utah. A fan tried to take Gary's picture with a cell phone camera; Gary allegedly attacked him and ran over him with his truck. [E!]
• Actor Thomas Jane (seen in The Punisher, married to Patricia Arquette) has pleaded no contest to drunken driving after doing 120 mph in a Maserati. He's been sentenced to to a year of probation, $1,700 in fines and alcohol abuse classes. Didn't the Medium see this coming? [Yahoo News]
• Those Jerry Seinfeld/Bill Gates ads are ending. Try to act interested. [LA Times]
• John Cleese is making like his James Bond alter ego Q and hosting a new gadget show in the UK. [The Sun]
• Ranae Shrider, aka Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer's ex-girlfriend, says she has no idea who is behind the overseas website that released a sex tape of Ranae and Verne. "I actually found out about the website when a friend of mine from college called and asked, 'Did you know you can have sex with Mini-Me for $9.95?'" Shrider says. [AVN]
• Denzel Washington, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Martin Sheen, Wesley Clark and Shaquille O'Neal, who attended the Boys & Girls Clubs of America as children, have lent their childhood photos to the organization for a national advertising campaign. Denzel was adorbs. [AP]
• Redmond O'Neal's drug sponsor is Ashley Hamilton. The guy who was married to Shannen Doherty. His mom is Alana Stewart, Farrah Fawcett's best friend. And Farrah is Redmond's mom. Got it? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• The Foo Fighters: On a long break. [Perez Hilton]
• Dita Von Teese claims she has never been an exhibitionist. "I wouldn't be caught dead baring my stomach," she says. "To me, baring my stomach during the day is just wrong. Remember that fashion for wearing super-low cut jeans? I tried a pair on once as a joke. It looked disgusting — I mean pornographic." [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Justin Timberlake isn't working on an album because he has fashion and golf to think about. [USA Today]
• Despite earlier reports that he was gonna get blown up or something, an expert says there is no credible terror threat against Paul McCartney regarding his upcoming gig in Israel. Shalom! [UPI]
• Keira Knightley to star in a modern love story and not a period piece! [Variety]
• "They're a bunch of pasty white, completely non-rock and roll, Christian… I can't stand that shit! I don't even know what they sound like." — Courtney Love on The Jonas Brothers. [MSNBC]
• "Everything that has happened to me, good and bad, I feel has happened for a reason. I've been made stronger from the good stuff and much, much stronger from the bad stuff." — Anne Hathaway. [People]
• "All kinds of Christians are getting mad about my Sarah Palin comments, and it is pissing me off […] If you truly believed in Jesus, you would try to be like him and love us, fags and dykes and feminists all. God bless you, even you. You fucking fuckers." — Margaret Cho. [Perez Hilton]

• Ashlee Simpson, 23, is engaged to Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, 28. He got down on one knee; she said yes. Flat-iron-filled wedding to come! [In Touch Weekly]
  
• Is Ashlee pregnant? There's no evidence to that end, but whatever. [Us]
  
• Oh! Is Ashlee's team leaking Mariah Carey songs in hopes of creating less competition for Ashlee's album? Maybe this whole marriage thing is a publicity ploy too. [KBS Radio]
  
• Beyoncé's little sister Solange says "I don't know anything about [a wedding]. You'll have to ask her yourself." Also: B has a lot to learn when it comes to kids, says Solange (who is 21 and the mother of a 3-year-old). [People]
  
• Does The Hills star Audrina Patridge lock her bedroom door because she doesn't trust roomie Lauren Conrad? Lauren seems like one of those girls who would borrow clothes without asking first. [Page Six]

• Is Katie Couric planning on leaving CBS Evening News early? Does anyone watch her? [People]
• Angelina Jolie was discussing Iraq education policy in Washington DC on Tuesday when she "felt kicking suddenly." Is a career in politics in the future for her unborn (twins?)? [People]
• Bret Michaels has been named in a breach-of-contract lawsuit against the producers of Rock Of Love. The owner of the $9 million home where they filmed the series found holes in the walls and ceilings, dead plants, and missing doors. $380,000 worth of damage. No doubt stuff happened in that house that we don't even want to know about. [E!]
• Halle Berry's baby pix: Not coming to a celebrity weekly magazine. Yet. [MSNBC]
• Gwen Stefani doesn't know if her baby is a boy or a girl, and won't find out until delivery day — she and Gavin want it to be a surprise. Hopefully it's a girl she can dress up in wacky outfits. [People]
• Whitney Houston's young boyfriend, Ray J, has written a song about her. The lyrics: "Is that your wife, is that your shorty, well I'm her boyfriend... I think the problem is you don't beat it right... Making love is cool, just pull her hair sometimes." [Page Six]
• Pat O'Brien has just completed his second stint in rehab and will return to his show, The Insider. [Page Six]
• Despite that Iggy doggie fiasco, the Humane Society has praised Ellen DeGeneres for raising awareness of animal issues. [Page Six]
• No one likes racist oil heir Brandon Davis. [Page Six]
• A source claims Eliot Spitzer says his wife knew about his hooker habits and was like, "My fucking wife doesn't care, so why does anybody else care?" Tsk, tsk. [Page Six]
• Jane Krakowski is headed to Broadway to star in Damn Yankees. Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which show keeps its dim-witted if ultra-popular "reality" stars peppy with Adderall supplied by a producer in handfuls between scenes?" [Gatecrasher]
• Actor Thomas Jane pleaded not guilty to DUI charges yesterday. He goes back to court in May, and The Punisher will find out how he's being punished. [TMZ]
• 50 Cent is in talks to star in an upcoming indie film, but he has 21 questions first. [Perez Hilton]
• Gwyneth Paltrow says the rumors about her marriage breaking up are "ridiculous." She also reveals the astrological personalities of her kids: "Apple is an open person. She's Taurus; grounded, calm, funny. Moses is Aries, he's the most sweet, sensitive thing but then he'll kick and karate-chop and spit and tumble. He's a real boy." [People]
• Toni Braxton has canceled upcoming shows after being hospitalized for chest pains earlier in the week. She has previously been treated for hypertension and pericarditis. Be well! [People]
• A judge has dropped Michael Jackson from a lawsuit filed by the family of a women who died at a hospital after she was moved to make room for the pop star. [Yahoo News]
• Snoop Dogg has settled a lawsuit with his former record label, "though they won't disclose how many bones it took." Heh. [Yahoo News]
• Robert De Niro has left CAA, the agency he has been with for years. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Paris Hilton's brother Barron pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors from his DUI charges and will lose his license for a year. He also has to attend alcohol-education programs. [Yahoo News]
• Bob Marley's mother, Cedella Booker, died in her sleep Tuesday night at her home in Miami. She was 81. [USA Today]
• Never before seen Elvis pictures from 1972 have suddenly surfaced. Thank you, thank you very much. [Yahoo News]