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Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?

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kaiwhakamarie
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
I've never been much of a hugger. I've gotten better in recent years because I have several girlfriends (and guy friends) who insist on hugs and kisses before they leave, and its just expected. But I went for years without hugging friends or even family. My Dad is one of those awkward 'from the side' huggers and my Mom is even more closed off than he is.

I've been told a few times that my lack of 'hugginess' is the sign of some kind of social anxiety or deeper problem. I never felt that was the case. I'm just not a hugger. That said, I guess I am a little closed off because I'd never dream of walking up to a friend and just giving them a hug. I don't think that means I'm somehow damaged though, maybe just a little on the shy/unsure side?
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Tart of Darkness
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
This is a very timely article. I'm going to make a confession. I am a hugger. But I excused myself for this by asking for permission by saying "Can I give you a hug?" But it occurred to me recently that getting "permission" that way is completely bogus. Who is going to say "no"? Especially in a social setting? The people who most want to say no are probably the least likely to say it. So I've sworn off of hugging for the most part.

The other day I was in a situation though where a person I know gave me a huge, warm hug and it meant a lot to me. And the reason that it did was because it was more than a social reflex...it was a genuine expression of friendship and validation and I treasure that.
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Tart of Darkness
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
I remember that Fran Liebowitz' solution to huggers and touchers was to carry a pack of matches and start lighting them when people came too close. A bic would do.
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rodmanstreet
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
One of my managers is always touching me, and it's verging on inappropriate. Like, he'll touch my neck and my hair and my face as a way of greeting. Thing is, I like the guy. At first I thought it was just me, (I'm one of those people that doesn't like being touched) but maybe this is something else? Like coming up behind me and stroking my neck with his finger when my hair is up. Not normal management behavior, right?
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Tart of Darkness
06/30/09

@rodmanstreet: It's sort of "grooming" behavior and is already absolutely inappropriate. And the number one reason it is inappropriate is that it makes you uncomfortable.

And unfortunately if you want it to stop, it's up to you to tell him to stop. And you need to document that you have. So that if he doesn't stop you can report him to Human Resources.

When you tell him, emphasize that you like working for the company and you like your job and you intend to keep working there, but you are uncomfortable with his touching you. Period.
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Mafalda para Presidente
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
Personal space is kind of a cultural notion, though, and it varies from region to region and in different countries. I know I'm waaaay more touchy if I'm in Mexico, where it's customary to kiss hello and goodbye. If I tried to kiss anyone hello here I'd get weird looks, which is why I do that American half-hug that people do here.

At work, though, I would say that the lesser touching the better.
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queenieinmanhattan
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
I worked with a really good friend of mine for six years (sharing a two-person office for two of the years). We (he's a man, I'm a woman) never kissed in the morning, or hugged at the end of a normal day, but anytime we saw each other outside of work, we kissed on the cheek hello, and hugged goodbye. Weird, but it worked for us.
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Mymoustache
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
The hug itself is difficult to figure out...there's the quick embrace, the tight hold, the lingerer...
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brendastarlet is on it
06/30/09

@Mymoustache: and the man hug, which is kind of an awkward back patting thing.
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brendastarlet is on it
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
I always hug my friends, and lately I have started to give them a sincere kiss on the cheek, not just an air kiss. I am following the example of Maya Angelou, who bestows warm greetings on one and all and especially on those she really likes.

On the other hand, if we have just met, or you are someone outside my office with whom I am dealing professionally, DO NOT APPROACH unless I do so first.
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misspell
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
I'm really into The Handshake. I love giving handshakes, firm ones where I look a person hard in the eye. I do it to everyone - coworkers, friends, casual acquaintances. I think it's a shame that handshakes are no longer in vogue for non-business-people. You can tell a lot about people by their handshake. Plus, because they're not as common anymore, they're surprisingly intimate. "Let's touch hands. Let's really connect." Like that. I think I'm beginning to sound like a maniac.
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Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
oh god, I hate being touched/hugged by anyone I am not intimately involved with, very close friends with or paying for a massage/medical care. I hate that people presume they have a right to touch anyone else. You don't know if people have been battered or sexually assaulted (as I have been) or what unwanted touching can bring up for people.

My fiance's family are not only aggressive huggers, but kissers! They are under the impression that they are "European" or worldly or some shit so they hug and kiss (on the mouth!) everyone hello/goodbye every time they see anyone and it makes me so fucking uncomfortable. Gah! I'm getting creeped out just thinking about it.
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tscheese
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
Closely related to my disapprobation of People I Don't Know Well Who Want To Put Their Mouth Somewhere On Me, I also have a deep and longstanding hatred for People, Usually Men, On Mass Transit Who Feel The Need To Splay Their Legs Out Like Their Balls Are Not Only Cantaloupes But Also Radioactive, Seriously Guys They're Not Made Of Lava And Will Not Destroy Your Legs, Please Let Me Ride Home With Some Seat Space And Dignity, God What Is Wrong With You People.
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emilyanne
06/30/09

@tscheese: oh that's another bugbear of mine. I long for the tube and its civilised one seat, one person policy. Although actually even then men manage to extend their arms out while reading their paper so that you can't actually see anything as ink smudges itself on your cheek while they pretend you aren't in fact sitting in the seat next to them.
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Uncommon Whore
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
I deflect hugs sometimes, when I know they are only being performed because it's a short guy and I'm a tall woman with big boobs. I know what that is, dude. Not. Sneaky.
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gherkinfiend
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
I'm really not very comfortable with hugging etc unless it is with close friends...and even then I'd prefer it to be brief and the bare minimum of touching required to not seem like a total bitch.

I used to be fine with it, but one assault in a bar and two rapes later it freaks me the fuck out. On top of feeling uncomfortable with it, I'm worried I'll panic and punch said person who gets too close. It's stressful...
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A Small Turnip
06/30/09

@gherkinfiend: I know. I'm sorry. I think I affectionately rubbed your thigh once, and was mortified at myself for days afterwards.

Will you forgive me my lapses in touching judgement? It's just that you're so pretttttttttty, and I have low impulse control when I've had a half pint of shandy.
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gherkinfiend
06/30/09

@ASmallTurnip: My issue lies with people who are touchy feely...not glorious gorgeous root vegetables. That's much more acceptable!
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Buenavista
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
I come from a family that was not big into hugging, not even each other, much less outsiders. But my in-laws are insane huggers and my father-in-law always kisses everyone on the lips which drives me bonkers. He always gets the back of my head as I twist when he goes in for the big smooch. Sorry charlie.
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LBB
06/30/09

@Buenavista: AAAAAACCCKKKK!!! I do not kiss anyone on the lips unless I am romantically involved with them, and if anyone tried to I would back up right quick. I'm not a particularly touchy person in general, and that is just beyond.
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Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini
06/30/09

@Buenavista: Are we the same person? Check out my comment on page 3, ha!
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inabook
06/30/09

@Buenavista: My family (including aunts) kisses on the lips and i HATE it. I need to find some way to tell them I hate it without getting bitched out for the rest of my life.
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poires et poireaux
06/30/09

In reply to Personal Space: Are We Too Touchy?
I'm the most awkward hugger. I appreciate a good hug, yes I do, but I spend too much time assessing the situation to see if it's hug-worthy. I have some friends who are on a "do not hug" list in my head, for no reason apart from not having hugged them before. And then there are the hugs-by-default; you're with 2 good friends and an acquaintance, and you're all saying good-bye, and it seems only fair to give equal hugs to everybody. I do miss living in francophone situations where the kiss-kiss was performed on everybody and I got used to that ritual. Now I end up bonking my Montreal friends in the nose while they try to kiss my cheek and I reach for the full hug.

Sigh, I never win. I'll just stay at home with my hand puppets. It's never awkward when I touch them.
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