Jezebel: The Week That Was

This Week We Had A Ball

Jessica — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:30:00 EST

...Just like Lance Armstrong, Hitler, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the other dudes with a single testicle.
But as far as we know, those dudes have bellybuttons, unlike Karolina Kurkova, the no-navel icon.
She may have a navel, but Lori Drew has no soul.
Michelle Obama has a soul and, according to an obsessed Salon scribe, a big butt.

Do vampires like big butts? Maybe we'll find out as Twilight mania takes over the nation.
Vampires seem rather chivalrous, unlike many modern men, so at least they'd let your big butt in the cab first.
Speaking of nether regions, one time Carrie Fisher's mom got her a vibrator for Christmas.
A wrap dress will cover up your business (usually), but is it ever flattering?
Victoria's Secret fashion show: covering your business in maribou since 1977.
You guys. Thank effing Gawd it's Friday! So eat, read celebrity gossip on the internet and nap the day away. You deserve it!

This Week We Discovered Shoving Garlic Up Our Hoohas Was Srsly "Uncool"

Jessica — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:00:00 EST

Picture it: the Jezebel nursing home, the year 2068. We'll turn on our headchips to watch the disembodied skull of Oprah host her show, and Jennifer Aniston, having been cryogenically frozen, will have been unfrozen just to make an appearance. Oprah will still ask Jen how she feels about Angelina Jolie and Jen will still think that what Angelina did was "very uncool." We may die, but this story will live on forever.
We found out the hard way that putting garlic up your nono is a no no.
Did we earn our yeast infections the same way Bikini Cory earned her nickname?
Joan Didion: officially more depressing than the mere existence of Bikini Cory.
Not depressing at all: this almost unbearably cute precocious French toddler. We just want to hear lil' Amelie say "crocodeeel" all day long.
Maybe she should have a cute-off with Maru, the box loving kitty from Japan.

Speaking of kitties! We said Hello, Blingee Kitty at the Sanrio Luxe opening.
We searched at home and abroad for for broads in our booze cabinets.
Obama may have been elected, but as long as fugly shoes clog up our stores, the national nightmare will continue.
You guys, it's Friday. So indulge in some hot food porn and have a good weekend!

This Week, Yes We Did

Jessica — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 18:30:00 EST

Unless you are living in a closet, under a rock, fifteen feet below the earth's surface wearing noise-canceling ear muffs, you've heard that Barack Obama was elected President. We still cannot stop smiling.
Or crying!! These videos of Maya Angelou, Sherri Shepherd, Oprah Winfrey and Gloria Steinem will probably make you tear up.
Obama's victory is a win for women, and these women, including North Carolinian Governor Beverly Perdue, Ohio Congresswoman Marcia Fudge, and New Hampshire Senator Jean Shaheen won their races.
But the truly important election is yet to come: the race for first puppy. We're single issue voters on a purely pro-Corgi platform.

We discussed Obama's status as a biracial icon.
Oh hey. Remember Sarah Palin? Well the Republicans who anointed her are now slagging her in the press, which is distasteful.
Unlike her wardrobe, which despite being horrendously overpriced (estimates have it at even more than $150,000, dontcha know), was quite classy!
But enough about her, let's talk about body image with Kate Winslet and Thin Is The New Pretty scribe Valerie Frankel.
Seriously, guys. We are wrecked. Bask in the win this weekend and dream of Michelle's inauguration dress. You deserve it!

We Just Want The Next President To Come On Down Already

Jessica — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 18:30:00 EDT

Only a few more days until the election, and Barack Obama is doing us a solid by appearing with two of our favorites: Rachel Maddow and Jon Stewart.
You know who is so not our favorite? Former Ms. editor turned turned Palin proponent Elaine Lafferty.
John McCain is also on our shit list for his female-unfriendly health plan.
However, we are totally in love with this Price Is Right-inspired Marie Claire fashion spread. Childhood nostalgia come on down!
But truly, nothing says nostalgia like these pictures of our childhood Halloween costumes.
Also making us nostalgic: thinking about raiding our moms' closets.

Like the timelessness of our mothers' garments, the grossness of American Apparel founder Dov Charney will last forever.
At least his name's not Tucker. He's got that going for him!
A better kind of American apparel: Michelle Obama's J. Crew duds inspiring a shopping spree.
You guys, it's Friday. So replay the Obama infomerical and cry big, hopeful tears. You deserve it!

This Week We Crashed At The Intersection Of Fashion And Politics

Jessica — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:30:00 EDT

We spent way too much time talking about Sarah Palin's sexy secretary garb and how much it cost and/or did not cost. But what we really want to know is how Palin gets her hair so big. Maybe her bouffant is built out of campaign secrets and the souls of unborn babies.
Maybe all Sarah needs is a good talking to from Tyra and Judge Judy. Then she'd learn to keep her receipts in order!
She has about as much sense as these crazy cat people. (We kid, we love them.)
But probably a lot more sense than Elisabeth Hasselbeck, whose t-shirt wearing antics have torn The View asunder.
Breaking: Goop makes us gassy.

Maybe that's why these Urban Outfitters moddles look so bummed out: they're suffering from a severe case of soy farts!
Also a bummer: potential voter suppression.
Interviewing Sarah Haskings confirmed our suspicions that she is awesome.
Attention It Girls, it's Friday. So rock out with your grillz out and have a great weekend.

This Week We Paid Our Respects To An American (Doll) Icon

Jessica — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 18:00:00 EDT

R.I.P. American Girls original, Samantha Parkington. May you rest in peace with the other overpriced, historically accurate plastic toys in the sky.
Another American icon on the decline: Hugh Hefner's bunnies and balls are musty.
Speaking of old balls, John McCain mocked women's health in an apocryphal argument against late term abortion.
I can't believe we have two more weeks of this. At least the debates are over.
Well, at least one contest of note is over this week: a Project Runway winner was declared, and her name rhymes with pee pan.
It might burn when you pee if Cosmo gives you a "pear-fection."

It would also probably burn when you peed if you had sex with a Don Draper type. Manwhores!
You should apologize to your body for any pear-fections incurred by Don Draper-esque encounters.
Seriously guys. It's Friday. So macramaé yourself a jumpsuit and throw down with Jane Winebox. You deserve it!

This Week Things Got Ugly Up In Here

Jessica — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:30:00 EDT

Less than a month until the election, folks, and it's getting really ugly.
John McCain sounding like a total loon during the debates, calling Obama "That One": ugly.
Illogical republican strategists yelling at Newsweek for putting a (gasp!) un-retouched photo of Sarah Palin on the cover: ugly!
Nikki Blonsky kicking Bianca Golden's mom in the vagina at an airport: ugly!
At least we have the unarguably awesome Sarah Vowell and Donna Brazile to guide us through the ugliness.
Though they can't really fix the ugly in this mess of the economy... or this Free People catalog.

Questions about pelvic exams? We're at your cervix.
Speaking of pelvic exploration, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist has an endearing and accurate depiction of teen sex.
Thank jebus it's the weekend. So kick back with a career romance like the young modern you are, and have a fantastic 48 hours with Hortense!

This Week We Were Drunk On Spinsters And Veeps

Jessica — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 17:30:00 EDT

Happy New Year, little Jewzebels. It's starting off pretty rocky, but we guided you through the rough shoals of the VP debates with a steady hand and a drunken heart.
This Palin supporter sounded like she was drunk with her garbled endorsement of the moosetest with the mostest.
Times are tough for this country, and for weepy Prodge Run contestants.
You know who always has a stiff upper lip and a lot of fun? "Spinsters."
Thankfully we can reminisce fondly about the days before we knew what a mortgage was. Check out the Jezebel school pictures and remember this: the older they are, the cuter they ain't.
You know what else ain't cute? Elisabeth Hasselbeck when she gets all yelly.

Even less cute: a mother and son who do it. That's like, the inverse of cute. That's etuc.
You know, some people think Michael Cera and his Earnest Fumbling Manchildren are pretty adorable, but we beg to differ.
We might be irked by EFMs, but they're still more enlightened than what ladies had to put up with in the days of Joan Holloway.
But you know, it's Friday, and guess what? WEEKEND JEZEBEL is here! So kick back, relax, and enjoy the new content.

Aye, Mateys, This Week We Were Not Lettin' You Into Our Knickers! (Me Parrot Concurs.)

Jessica — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:30:00 EDT

In honor of international talk like a pirate day, the remainder of this list will be conducted in pirate speak. Thank you for yourrrrrr support, landlubbers.

Aye, we told you how not t' get int' our pants. Aye, me parrot concurs.
Ahoy, Project Runway contestant Joe's Dress: Becky Home Ecky!
Aye, we started a culture war with Fox News' Ste'e Doocy. A pence for an old man o'de sea?

Aye, Doocy is probably just mad that McCain and Palin have terrible policies for women and he's takin' it out on us, argh!
Aye, McCain must think we're as dumb as McDonald's thinks we are.
Aye, once upon a time in a land called New Jersey, Rachel Zoe was a blushin' bride.
Ahoy, was that before, or after she started eatin' babies?
Arrr, but tis' Friday, argh! Drink as much grog as possible and rock out on your peg leg. You deser'e it.

This Week We Discovered You Can't Spell Palin Without PAIN

Jessica — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 18:10:00 EDT

We've gotten a lot of emails this week whining about the excess of Palin coverage. But you know what Palin hates more than anything — whiners! If you whine, the terrorists win…Or something. Anyway, check out what Judge Judy thinks about Sarah Palin.
Also check out what American Wife author Curtis Sittenfeld thinks about Sarah Palin!
Don't forget about comparing her future potential reign to Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale!
With all of this nonsense, we almost forgot it was FASHION WEEK! Check out Dodai's Project Runway Bryant Park show live blog and the rest of our fashion week posts.

And now for something completely different! Our ANTM girlcrush, Sheena.
Check it: The 8 Worst Hairdos A Man Can Have.
Are those more, or less offensive than the worst of the fall magazine ads?
The worst of all: Teen Vogue's awesome new eating disorder.
But you guys. It's Friday. So rock out those bad hairdos, shut off the CNN, and don't let anyone spike your drink with sexactivator.

This Week We Were Rage-O-Holics And Our Drug Of Choice Was Palin

Jessica — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:30:00 EDT

Only eight more weeks, people! At least we have hilarious helpers like Sarah Haskins and Samantha Bee to shepherd us through these difficult times.
I don't know if you'd heard, it's kind of under the radar, but Bristol Palin is pregnant. Some of us think it is a non-issue.
Others of us want to use it to question Palin's policy on education, abortion, and health care.
But you know, asking Palin questions about these things is just SEXIST, you pinko media elites!

Our very own media elite, Megan, braved the RNC so we didn't have to.

Instead, we sat at home with our righteous, indignant, borderline insane rage.
Ok. Deep breaths people. You know what? It's Friday. Find your own personal Levi The Defiler and bang the crap out of that gum-chewing troglodyte! It'll get your mind off things. Just remember use a rubber.

We Love Shelly-Ann & Shawn Like McAdams Loves Gosling

Jessica — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 18:30:00 EDT

More Olympian ovations! This week we crushed on Shelly-Ann Fraser's gleaming braces and Shawn Johnson's balance beam dominance.
You sent in your retro sports photos, which won the adorable Olympics.
We audibly squeeeeeee-d when we discovered that Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams were back together. Squeee!
We did not squee over P.U.M.A.s, Will Bower, or any other mouth-breathing, politically destructive a-holes.
International Male from the early mid-80s. Fringe and short shorts and spandex oh my!

We pondered fast fashion.
We no longer want to ponder the status of Jennifer Aniston's vagina, ring finger.
It's the weekend, y'all! So eat some questionable sushi, read some delightful YA novels about brother fucking and relax!

This Week We Talked About Booties, Olympian And Otherwise

Jessica — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:40:00 EDT

We're not gonna lie, there was some gawking at Olympic bods 'round these parts.
But there was also grinning at gymnasts, thrilling wins from Michael Phelps, controversies over the Chinese and Golden Girls all around.
Jennifer Love Hewitt wants you to kiss her ass. But only if it's skinny!
Speaking of ass masters, don't miss our interview with Margaret Cho.
Moddles got lost in teh soopermarket, kan no longer shop hapully.
We, however, can shop happily for Mad Men-inspired 60s duds.

We love the moddle in September's Glamour, Sabina Karlsson. Get a load of them freckles, folks!
We let you explore our (ice) boxes.
It's the weekend, guys! So poop wherever your heart desires, and follow Liz Smith's lead: gin and Snickers for all!

This Week We Were Not Afraid To Go There Or Say Goodbye

Megan — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:00:00 EDT

We said our final au revoir to Moe [sniff]
The McCain campaign said it's final goodbye to tasteful commercials with its eminently mockable Paris-Britney one, its new Moses one and it's kicky Spanish language one.
Watching Gavin walk a mile in Tracie's shoes made for far, far better viewing.
We tried it out ourselves, metaphorically speaking, in posts talking about sterilization, teen pregnancy and sex workers.
Walmart talked to its workers about voting Democratic. It's bad, they think. [HuffPo]
It might have been cool to be a pretty girl when we were younger, not that it keeps you from getting hurt or getting Photoshopped into something supposedly prettier, but some people think it might help you get a man.

Obama got taken to task for supposedly not paying enough attention to the issues of the African-American community, and we took a woman to task for making a stupid list about what dudes don't know about her.
Moe tackled the complexities of mass murderers' psyches and the psyches of female suicide bombers while finding time to weigh in on boy-shorts — but left the even absurder man-tights questions to Sadie and the important questions about the decline of the ladies' magazine industry (to which her departure will certainly contribute) to Dodai.
Margaret and I got a little obsessed with incest. Yeah, don't ask.

This Week We Were Not Afraid To Be Servicey

Jessica — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Slut Machine finally revealed her makeup secrets by painting the tender, bearded visage of Gavin McInnes.
Sadie debunked the art of the Facebook photo, and proved that every last one of us is a loser.
Technicolor Kiddie Swimsuit EXTRAVAGANZA!
Moe is a Jezebel no moe. But don't worry, she'll be sticking around these parts in spirit and in Crap.
In our dream world, all insane divorce cases would be tried in the court of Judge Judy.
LOLHillz!
LOLVogue! Week of 10,000 LOLZ!

Teri Garr reminded us that there are still many funny, funny ladies in modern film who we'd like to befriend.
Estelle Getty is a friend who will be missed.
Even though working during a beautiful summer's day is the pits, it's the weekend, y'all! So enjoy your damn selves.

This Week We Waged War On Terrible TV Hostesses

Jessica — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 19:00:00 EDT

The long-awaited "all black" issue of Italian Vogue hit newsstands, and we gave you a guided tour.
Judy Blume taught us that having your dessert isn't all it's cracked up to be when you're a disgruntled 60s housefrau.
We became your personal style guru.
Three words: dolphin assisted birth.
See little Emily walk. See little Emily run the fuck away from George Bush.
We wanted to run screaming from Today Show bungler Ann Curry.
Speaking of loathsome tv personalities, it was a big week for Elisabeth Hasselbeck! She told us she has never used a vibrator and cried during a discussion of the N-word.

We shared our dirty desks with the world.
We discussed chick lit and Maxi with author Janelle Brown.
Times of London essayist said: incest is best put your brother to the test. We said: do not want.
We reminisced about advertising icons and proposed a few updates.
This week marked Dodai's one-year Jezeversary, so pour some out for our Hello Kitty-lovin' editrix this weekend!

This Week We Defended Fashion And Dismissed Deluded Ladymags

Jessica — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Sadie defended fashion from hateful Wintourish anti-heroes.
We told Seventeen's constructive criticism and eyeshadow advice to suck it.
Women's magazines "saved" Cathy Alter's life.
But not ours.
Dodai revealed her secret passion for juniors fashion..

Tracie slayed the "emotional conquistador."
Lamb cums all over Gwen Stefani's face!
We were fondly embarrassed by our fathers.
It's thankfully, oh so thankfully Friday! So enjoy your Cocktails n' Dreams and have a fantastic weekend

This Week We Wrote Love Letters And Read Smutty Novels

Jessica — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:40:00 EDT

We learned that dressing for success means always wearing a muumuu.
We debuted a new feature called Shelf Pleasuring wherein we read 70s books full of sexytimes.
You guys, friends don't make friends get boob jobs.
They also don't let you board planes with a ton of weed in your suitcase

Friends do, however, allow you to develop girl crushes on femi-friendly Current TV hosts.
Also girl crush material: sofa king gorgeous Indian models<
Speaking of models, Kazakh model Ruslana Korshunova jumped from her apartment building on Sunday night and died. Our Tatiana weighed in on the depersonalization and loneliness rampant in the modeling business.
But hey! It's not all a bummer this week: we discussed the swoony fanmail we wrote as wee ones.
So enjoy the long weekend, bitches! This bitch will be celebrating her tail off for the fourth and so should you.

This Week We Went To Prom And Got Incarcerated

Jessica — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 18:00:00 EDT

You sent us your prom pictures! There were many a mullet. We bet that one of you slept with your mulleted prom dates in the back of a Trans Am.
Judge Judy will always be our superhero.
We met a profesh douche named Dmitri.
Anne Hathaway's No goodnick (now ex) boyfriend Raffaello Follieri turned out to be a total con artist. Instead of yachting on the Riviera, he's going to be yelping at Rikers.
We fell in love with Mary Kate Olsen just a little.
It's Friday. Shake your insured booty all weekend long.

This Week There Were A Lot Of Pregnant Teens Up In Here

Jessica — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:00:00 EDT

This week we discussed matters of national importance. Like threesomes.
Michelle Obama and the role of a first lady actually are matters of national importance. But omg her dresses are purdy!
Michelle doesn't wear short shorts. Chuck Bass wears short shorts!
A bunch of idiot teenagers in Gloucester, Mass made a "pregnancy pact", and now a whole mess of 'em are up the stick. Sigh.
A teen who is no longer pregnant: Jamie Lynn Spears. She gave birth to wee Maddie Briann yesterday.
A Polish teen got caught in the middle of the abortion battle.

On a lighter note, we learned how to give birth to queefs.
We bet teh hotness Josh Peck wouldn't mind some hilarious queefing! Especially on weed.
And it's Friday. So spend the weekend pondering the great mysteries of your life and relax…remember, days off are the dopeness, not the wackness.

We Are Berry Berry Glad That This Week Is Over

Jessica — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:30:00 EDT

We were shocked and appalled to discover that Strawberry Shortcake had been given a berry slutty makeover by her corporate overlords.
As much as we love the Shortcake, she'd make a really dumb, potentially deal-breaking tattoo.
This week was mad girly, yo: Omg Unicorns!
Also, Panda Sex!
Almost as embarrassing as catching two pandas in flagrante is witnessing two dudes in the throes of a passionate mancrush.

It's almost as excruciating as this sad tale of star cross'd nursing home lovers.
So, like Lauren Hutton did, massage your ladyparts with an award statuette and ride your own personal unicorn off into the sunset. It's Friday!

After This Week, We Never Want To Hear The Words "Manolo" or "Cosmo" Ever Again

Jessica — Fri, 30 May 2008 16:40:00 EDT

Unless you're living in a closet on Mars, you know that the Sex and the City movie premiered today.
Slut Machine live blogged it wearing flip flops and eating some skittles. Suck on that, Louboutin wearers.
The only part of the Sex and the City franchise that we're not sick of is Pat Field and her fabulous, gay, Payless lifestyle.
Tyra Banks revealed her plans for world domination in the New York Times.
TyTy sort of looked like a Bratz doll on that Times Mag cover; Bratz are also involved in world domination schemes

Instead of casting a black actress in the forthcoming movie Stuck, they decided to get Mena Suvari in cornrows. Sigh.

We didn't get cornrows at summer camp. We hated it anyway.

But remember, even in a world where teenage Starbucks-swillers rob girl scouts without remorse, there are still puppies who nurse orphaned baby bunnies, and isn't that a world worth drinking in?

This Week Models Got Some Meat On Their Bones

Jessica — Fri, 16 May 2008 17:30:00 EDT

Whitney was the first "plus sized" contestant to win America's Next Top Model!
Alexandra Michaels — a teen model who was sent home from Paris because she gained five pounds — spoke out against eating disorders in the modeling industry.
Speaking of dressing up: Jezebel correspondent Emily Gould crashed a Stevie Nicks festival. There were wigs! And gays! And glitter!
More good news for gays: it is now legal for them to get married in California.
In other California legal news, Lori Drew got indicted.
Even California girls should not wear this tacky crap from Urban Outfitters.
Brats from My Super Sweet Sixteen get deported!

Slut Machine wasn't buying the shit that TV sexperts were selling.

So take her advice and go meet some strangers at bars! It's Friday night, y'all!

This Week We Loved Our Moms, Our Undies, Ourselves

Jessica — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:20:00 EDT

We agreed we would lie to our kids about our debauched pasts. There will be fewer than eighteen of them, trust.
You could do a lot of debaucherous damage with these crazy underoos from the International Male folks.
We didn't just talk about International Males, we discussed international and race relations, and vowed to try harder.
We also gave some real talk about sex writing.
More real talk: forgetting there's a tampon in your twat.

We got to know virgin-hoarding cult leader Michael Travesser and his band of wack jobs.
We got some LOLs out of douchefessionals John Fitzgerald Page and Paul Janka.
We said goodbye to our own Jennifer, who is departing for greener Polo pastures. She will be missed!
This weekend, pour one out for all the white wine drinking, on-the-toilet phone talking, track suit wearing mommas out there. Happy Mothers Day, moms; we love you!

This Week, People Scared Us And We Scared People

maria — Fri, 02 May 2008 16:40:00 EDT

• We met an Austrian man who locked his daughter and their children in his cellar for 24 years. Sometimes the eyebrows can reveal the psychopath inside! • Sometimes we eat our trash, it is sort of like recycling! • We told old people to get off Facebook or at least un-tag us from unflattering boozy pictures! • Miley posed in a sort-of sexual picture in Vanity Fair, Disney blamed the lesbian. • But where was the widespread outrage when Annie Leibovitz was casually racist, again and again and again? • Tyra introduced us to a dad who not only pimps out his daughter but also gives her at-home bikini waxes. • We met 5 types of extreme shoppers, all of them annoying! • We met some scrappy young sorority girls who brand pledges in the groin with forks. • We took a look back at our favorite Tyra episodes with almost as much glee as she has in talking about herself. • We told Elisabeth Hasselbeck to STFU already. • We found out we aren't in a recession! But the world is going to shit. • Oh yeah! And Mimi got married! And, uh Latina magazine broke the story?

This Week We Learned About Hookers, Muumuus And Moms.

Jessica — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 18:20:00 EDT

If this whole Jezebel thing doesn't work out, we now know how to become an internet "escort."
Lilly Ledbetter is a stand-up lady. Maybe someday women will get equal pay for equal work, but not today.
But look! Babies and puppies!
We became certified Tina Feynatics.
We talked about moms! You can't live with them, can't shed their DNA.

Spitzer? I don't even know 'er!
We were not that into the Sex and the City-branded lingerie. Shudder.
The Real Housewives of New York City reunion was possibly the best 60 minutes of television we've ever seen. Thank GOD it's been picked up for a second season! We can't wait to hang with Ramoarawn again.
So throw on that muumuu, and remember: VD is for Everybody.

This Week We Dealt With A Load Of Crap

Jessica — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 18:20:00 EDT

Slut Machine took one for the team and Intern Betty filmed her getting a colonic. Crappy hour indeed.
Speaking of Crap: If Aliza Shvarts smears her uterine lining all over Boot Barn and no one is around to see it, did it really happen?
We learned why mommy's face no longer moves.
The kind of mommy who reads Baby Couture!
Paul Janka + Tyra = Our pop cultural worlds colliding

We met Sarah, an American journalist in Yemen. She misses booze.
The American economy through the lens of hand jobs and Dov Charney: a treatise.
The conspiracy against curls must be stopped.
Even though Mark Ronson might be off the market, get your ass effects out on the town this weekend! It's been a doozy of a week.

This Week We Hung Out With A Lot Of Child Molesters

Jessica — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:00:00 EDT

We were so into the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints and their Yearning For Zion Ranch, where girls in their early teens get married off to gross molesty old men with multiple other wives, none of whom are allowed to wear red because that's Jesus' color.
Are those teens better, or worse off than the brave 8-year-old Yemeni girl name Nojoud Muhammed Nasser who was married off by her crazy homeless father, but has now successfully filed for divorce.
A study in contrasts: the marriage of Nojoud Muhammed Nasser versus the insane Southern belles of MTV's True Life who call themselves "old maids" at age 24.

OMG I almost forgot about that Australian father and daughter who fuck and have babies. Oh ew.
Can't some people just have a nice, normal wedding that doesn't involve incest, polygamy, statutory rape, fake boobs or Botox?
Mommablogger Dooce appears to be a fairly reasonable person whose wedding probably didn't involve any of those things.
Karl Lagerfeld hates Dooce's kid, though. Actually he hates all children. And also fat people!
You know who probably had kind of shitty moms? Those horrid teenage cheerleader bitches who beat the living hell out of their friend and may now face life in prison.
So make a bonfire out of Cosmo's "Sexy" issue, and rip off that bandanna you've been wearing. Let it all hang out this weekend!

This Week We Made Horses' Asses Out Of Ourselves (And Others)

Jessica — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:30:30 EDT

We were "purchased" by Conde Nast...not. But you guys got your panties in some serious bunches about it.
Maybe you were just cranky because you live in New York and you're not getting any.
Perhaps you just discovered your second grader is a sexual harasser.
Anna and Tracie crashed the New York Weddings Showcase and all they got was some moisturizer, lobster cups, mini-hamburgers and period-blood.

We wondered if hot chicks make dudes financially irresponsible.
We worshipped at the altar of baseball.
We peed on the altar of Rush Limbaugh.
But New Kids on the Block reunited! So crack open a cold one and pour some out for Donnie, Joey, Jordan, Danny and Jonathan. It's Friday!

This Week, Butts Were Waxed, Babies Were Born, And Bush's Spokespretty Was Stupid

Jessica — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 18:20:00 EDT

Past Fashion: Easter outfits!!!
Slut Machine returned from vacation and brought back some advice about buttcracks.
You told us what happens to your buttcracks — and all your other lady bits — when you are with child. (Pssst: you pee your pants a lot)
We learned about man parts too.

Younger men have the best man parts!
We bemoaned the stupidity of Bush's spokesjerk, Dana Perino.
You know who else was a jerk this week? Dear Abby.
Is Dear Abby a better writer than Tori Spelling? We bet Tori gives better advice.
It looks like Renee Zellweger is on goofballs.
Or maybe she just needs a good rogering with an unassuming household item.
So take your magic coochies and put them to good use this weekend. You're worth it!

This Week We Talked Prostitutes, Poops, And Panties

Jessica — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 17:30:00 EDT

We discovered that ( now-former ) New York Governor Eliot Spitzer goes to whores.
We also discussed Ashley Alexandra Dupre, aka "Kristen", the woman who was allegedly the whore in question. Her new single is off the chain!
We commisserated with Spitzer's poor wife, Silda.
Bet disgraced Glamour blogger Mike Cherico is happy about the Spitzer scandal! It is one of the few things that makes him look like less of an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, did ya hear? Pooping is the new hot shit!

Salt n' Pepa said opinions are like assholes and everybody's got one. Well 1,400 of you and counting had opinions about this post.

But who cares what other people think! You're living alone and loving it.

And probably airing the ol' girl out 'cause no one is ever around.

But you guys, Anna Wintour put a big black guy on the cover of Vogue, so we know the apocalypse is neigh.

Whatevs to all that. It's spring break y'all! Pour some out for the homies and have a good weekend.

This Week Made Us Unbeweavably Tard

Jessica — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 18:20:00 EST

Racist Barbie-fondler Allison was kicked off America's Next Top Model. We were not sad to see her go.
Moddels in Bahlinceeyagga looked tard. The white-washed runways at Paris fashion week made us tard.
But Christian Siriano's win on Project Runway cheered us right up!
Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power called Hillary Clinton a monster. Then she got canned.
Maybe she should ask Slut Machine for advice?

Memoirist and former gang member Margaret B. Jones turned out to be a fake memoirist named Peggy Seltzer. The only "gang" she was ever in was probs sold Samoas.
You know who else got canned? A bunch of Jezebels.
Our Sephora Spy conquered her cystic acne. And it only took hundreds of dollars of product.
Well, you bitches can afford it: you're bringing home the bacon.

This Week, Serena Van Der Woodsen Gave Us A Shout-Out

Jessica — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 18:20:00 EST

The official Gossip Girl blog declared Jezebel as heroine Serena van der Woodsen's special friend.
35% of you would not ask a man to marry you! 40% say you wouldn't rule it out, but it's not at the top of your to-do list. Only 15% would ask in the future, and 9% already did. Fascinating!
Who cares about marriage?! We made chocolate penises!
We liveblogged the snoozy Oscars and declared fishy to be fabulous when it comes to red carpet fashion.
We snooped with Harriet M. Welsch.

We learned that 74% of women in their 30s are very or extremely willing to marry for money, and that Lindsay Lohan wears a diamond-encrusted cross.
We discovered that Bret Michaels and George Bush have a lot in common. No word on how George Michael fits into the military industrial equation.
We giggled at black hairstyles from back in the day. Jheri curl!
We did not take dumps in front of dudes.
But we did flush our tampons down their toilets.
So go get your seven-year-old a a mani-pedi and enjoy your freedom, you fucking dykes!

This Week We Binged On Ex-Lax And Tyra

Jessica — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 17:30:00 EST

We live video-blogged the premiere of America's Next Top Model, menstrual cycle 10! We got really meta and Tracie's dog peed everywhere with glee.
We admitted the most destructive things we did to lose weight. Explosive diarrhea resulted.
But Elle told us that dudes find 'rexy sexy, and we believe everything we read in Elle.
The Sex and the City trailer leaked! Carrie gets jilted! So does Miranda! Charlotte gets knocked up! But does anyone really care?
We put orange pits in our teddy bears' heads with Marcy from The Cat Ate My Gymsuit.

Lohan posed nekkid for New York as an homage to Marilyn Monroe. We wondered whether her assets were real or manmade
Our Sephora Spy stood up and admitted to the world that she's a product-oholic
John McCain maybes fucked this blonde lobbyist who looks just like his wife.
J.Lo pushed out some spawn. We cannot WAIT to find out what she names them. Fingers crossed for Anthony and Antonia Lopez-Anthony!
Cosmo said vaj-jay-jay. We barfed.
Now go spend your blissful work-free weekend meditating on why Ginger Spice does not get more respect. Hop to it!

This Week We Choo-Choo-Chose Polyamory, The Cosby Kids, Mariah Carey And Cunts

Jessica — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:20:00 EST

Love was in the air this week, especially for these gorillas who were doing it missionary. From now on, missionary sex will be referred to as "gorilla style."
Maybe they should have bought condoms first, like the Golden Girls did. That Zbornak is always prepared!
Another old broad, Jane Fonda, said cunt on the Today show.
We pondered polyamory, which seems like something Jane would have been into in the 70s.
Mariah Carey = Hello Kitty + Einstein. Think about it.
Our favorite animated bleeding heart, Lisa Simpson, choo-choo-chooses Ralph Wiggum.
Also involving choo-choos: the Darjeeling Limited-esque Free People catalog.
Obama's campaign is like a runaway train! Hop on it!
The Witch of Blackbird Pond inspired fantasies of dripping breeches.

Butterfish gives a whole new meaning to dripping breeches.

So watch out for anal leakage, get your rocks off, and watch some Cosby reruns. It's Friday!

This Week We Smiled With Our Eyes And Tripped Down The Runway

Jessica — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 18:40:00 EST

It's fashion week y'all! Jennifer dutifully live blogged the Project Runway fashion shows at Bryant Park, and then spoiler-scared readers freaked the fuck out.
Perhaps our model/columnist, Tatiana, was one of the bitches on the catwalk (or behind the scenes).
Tracie went to the party for Chloë Sevigny's new fashion line, and the idiot assholes there made her hate life.
But no one there was probably as big an idiot asshole as the one Dodai went on an online date with.
This week we also cried, cuddled inanimate objects and reminisced about our gay high school prom dates.
But you know, it's Friday. So go purchase some painfully expensive makeup, fuck a pizza, and indulge in some cocktails and dreams with fellow Jezzies.

This Week We Celebrated Anniversaries And Mourned Deaths

Jessica — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 18:30:00 EST

Tuesday marked the 35th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. We told our stories and asked for yours.
Heath Ledger died. We were all distraught about it and may have re-watched Ten Things I Hate About You and sobbed.
Barbara Ehrenreich's comparison of the economy to a giant clit made us feel vaguely better.
Also amusing: the myriad "talents" of Miss America contestants.
Slut Machine doled out sage advice in the first video edition of Pot Psychology. Don't do drugs, kids!
But do watch some barely legal Brazilian boys dance in their skivvies, get your old-ass hands pumped full of collagen and gnaw on some baby animals. It's been a doozy of a week, you're worth it!