This Week We Defended Fashion And Dismissed Deluded Ladymags

• Sadie defended fashion from hateful Wintourish anti-heroes.
• We told Seventeen's constructive criticism and eyeshadow advice to suck it.
• Women's magazines "saved" Cathy Alter's life.
• But not ours.
• Dodai revealed her secret passion for juniors fashion..

This Week We Wrote Love Letters And Read Smutty Novels

• We learned that dressing for success means always wearing a muumuu.
• We debuted a new feature called Shelf Pleasuring wherein we read 70s books full of sexytimes.
• You guys, friends don't make friends get boob jobs.
• They also don't let you board planes with a ton of weed in your suitcase

This Week We Went To Prom And Got Incarcerated

• You sent us your prom pictures! There were many a mullet. We bet that one of you slept with your mulleted prom dates in the back of a Trans Am.
• Judge Judy will always be our superhero.
• We met a profesh douche named Dmitri.
• Anne Hathaway's No goodnick (now ex) boyfriend Raffaello Follieri turned out to be a total con artist. Instead of yachting on the Riviera, he's going to be yelping at Rikers.
• We fell in love with Mary Kate Olsen just a little.
• It's Friday. Shake your insured booty all weekend long.

This Week There Were A Lot Of Pregnant Teens Up In Here

• This week we discussed matters of national importance. Like threesomes.
• Michelle Obama and the role of a first lady actually are matters of national importance. But omg her dresses are purdy!
• Michelle doesn't wear short shorts. Chuck Bass wears short shorts!
• A bunch of idiot teenagers in Gloucester, Mass made a "pregnancy pact", and now a whole mess of 'em are up the stick. Sigh.
• A teen who is no longer pregnant: Jamie Lynn Spears. She gave birth to wee Maddie Briann yesterday.
• A Polish teen got caught in the middle of the abortion battle.

We Are Berry Berry Glad That This Week Is Over

• We were shocked and appalled to discover that Strawberry Shortcake had been given a berry slutty makeover by her corporate overlords.
• As much as we love the Shortcake, she'd make a really dumb, potentially deal-breaking tattoo.
• This week was mad girly, yo: Omg Unicorns!
• Also, Panda Sex!
• Almost as embarrassing as catching two pandas in flagrante is witnessing two dudes in the throes of a passionate mancrush.

After This Week, We Never Want To Hear The Words "Manolo" or "Cosmo" Ever Again

• Unless you're living in a closet on Mars, you know that the Sex and the City movie premiered today.
• Slut Machine live blogged it wearing flip flops and eating some skittles. Suck on that, Louboutin wearers.
• The only part of the Sex and the City franchise that we're not sick of is Pat Field and her fabulous, gay, Payless lifestyle.
• Tyra Banks revealed her plans for world domination in the New York Times.
• TyTy sort of looked like a Bratz doll on that Times Mag cover; Bratz are also involved in world domination schemes

This Week Models Got Some Meat On Their Bones

• Whitney was the first "plus sized" contestant to win America's Next Top Model!
  
• Alexandra Michaels — a teen model who was sent home from Paris because she gained five pounds — spoke out against eating disorders in the modeling industry.
  
• Speaking of dressing up: Jezebel correspondent Emily Gould crashed a Stevie Nicks festival. There were wigs! And gays! And glitter!
  
• More good news for gays: it is now legal for them to get married in California.
  
• In other California legal news, Lori Drew got indicted.
  
• Even California girls should not wear this tacky crap from Urban Outfitters.
  
• Brats from My Super Sweet Sixteen get deported!

This Week We Loved Our Moms, Our Undies, Ourselves

• We agreed we would lie to our kids about our debauched pasts. There will be fewer than eighteen of them, trust.
  
• You could do a lot of debaucherous damage with these crazy underoos from the International Male folks.
  
• We didn't just talk about International Males, we discussed international and race relations, and vowed to try harder.
  
• We also gave some real talk about sex writing.
  
• More real talk: forgetting there's a tampon in your twat.

This Week, People Scared Us And We Scared People

This Week We Learned About Hookers, Muumuus And Moms.

• If this whole Jezebel thing doesn't work out, we now know how to become an internet "escort."
  
• Lilly Ledbetter is a stand-up lady. Maybe someday women will get equal pay for equal work, but not today.
  
• But look! Babies and puppies!
  
• We became certified Tina Feynatics.
  
• We talked about moms! You can't live with them, can't shed their DNA.

This Week We Dealt With A Load Of Crap

• Slut Machine took one for the team and Intern Betty filmed her getting a colonic. Crappy hour indeed.
  
• Speaking of Crap: If Aliza Shvarts smears her uterine lining all over Boot Barn and no one is around to see it, did it really happen?
  
• We learned why mommy's face no longer moves.
  
• The kind of mommy who reads Baby Couture!
  
• Paul Janka + Tyra = Our pop cultural worlds colliding

This Week We Hung Out With A Lot Of Child Molesters

• We were so into the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints and their Yearning For Zion Ranch, where girls in their early teens get married off to gross molesty old men with multiple other wives, none of whom are allowed to wear red because that's Jesus' color.
  
• Are those teens better, or worse off than the brave 8-year-old Yemeni girl name Nojoud Muhammed Nasser who was married off by her crazy homeless father, but has now successfully filed for divorce.
  
• A study in contrasts: the marriage of Nojoud Muhammed Nasser versus the insane Southern belles of MTV's True Life who call themselves "old maids" at age 24.

This Week We Made Horses' Asses Out Of Ourselves (And Others)

• We were "purchased" by Conde Nast...not. But you guys got your panties in some serious bunches about it.
  
• Maybe you were just cranky because you live in New York and you're not getting any.
  
• Perhaps you just discovered your second grader is a sexual harasser.
  
• Anna and Tracie crashed the New York Weddings Showcase and all they got was some moisturizer, lobster cups, mini-hamburgers and period-blood.

This Week, Butts Were Waxed, Babies Were Born, And Bush's Spokespretty Was Stupid

• Past Fashion: Easter outfits!!!
  
• Slut Machine returned from vacation and brought back some advice about buttcracks.
  
• You told us what happens to your buttcracks — and all your other lady bits — when you are with child. (Pssst: you pee your pants a lot)
  
• We learned about man parts too.

This Week We Talked Prostitutes, Poops, And Panties

• We discovered that ( now-former ) New York Governor Eliot Spitzer goes to whores.
  
• We also discussed Ashley Alexandra Dupre, aka "Kristen", the woman who was allegedly the whore in question. Her new single is off the chain!
  
• We commisserated with Spitzer's poor wife, Silda.
  
• Bet disgraced Glamour blogger Mike Cherico is happy about the Spitzer scandal! It is one of the few things that makes him look like less of an asshole.
  
• Speaking of assholes, did ya hear? Pooping is the new hot shit!

This Week Made Us Unbeweavably Tard

• Racist Barbie-fondler Allison was kicked off America's Next Top Model. We were not sad to see her go.
  
• Moddels in Bahlinceeyagga looked tard. The white-washed runways at Paris fashion week made us tard.
  
• But Christian Siriano's win on Project Runway cheered us right up!
  
• Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power called Hillary Clinton a monster. Then she got canned.
  
• Maybe she should ask Slut Machine for advice?

This Week, Serena Van Der Woodsen Gave Us A Shout-Out

• The official Gossip Girl blog declared Jezebel as heroine Serena van der Woodsen's special friend.
  
• 35% of you would not ask a man to marry you! 40% say you wouldn't rule it out, but it's not at the top of your to-do list. Only 15% would ask in the future, and 9% already did. Fascinating!
  
• Who cares about marriage?! We made chocolate penises!
  
• We liveblogged the snoozy Oscars and declared fishy to be fabulous when it comes to red carpet fashion.
  
• We snooped with Harriet M. Welsch.

This Week We Binged On Ex-Lax And Tyra

• We live video-blogged the premiere of America's Next Top Model, menstrual cycle 10! We got really meta and Tracie's dog peed everywhere with glee.
  
• We admitted the most destructive things we did to lose weight. Explosive diarrhea resulted.
  
• But Elle told us that dudes find 'rexy sexy, and we believe everything we read in Elle.
  
• The Sex and the City trailer leaked! Carrie gets jilted! So does Miranda! Charlotte gets knocked up! But does anyone really care?
  
• We put orange pits in our teddy bears' heads with Marcy from The Cat Ate My Gymsuit.