This Week We Were Tired Of Tyra, Elisabeth And Meme

This Week We Had A Gastric Bypass

• We had some major tech surgery and now there's a lighter, leaner Jezebel. From the looks of our inbox, you hate it!

This Week We Wondered If Tina Fey Reached The Tipping Point

• Tina Fey finally dished about her mysterious scar in Vanity Fair and we wondered whether she'd be famous if she hadn't glammed up.
• Speaking of celebrity makeovers, Britney had her umpteenth comeback, and though her weave was clean, the sparkle in her eye was gone.
• Scarlett Johansson never needed a makeover because she's actually a clone.

This Week We Had A Ball

• ...Just like Lance Armstrong, Hitler, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the other dudes with a single testicle.
• But as far as we know, those dudes have bellybuttons, unlike Karolina Kurkova, the no-navel icon.
• She may have a navel, but Lori Drew has no soul.
• Michelle Obama has a soul and, according to an obsessed Salon scribe, a big butt.

This Week We Discovered Shoving Garlic Up Our Hoohas Was Srsly "Uncool"

• Picture it: the Jezebel nursing home, the year 2068. We'll turn on our headchips to watch the disembodied skull of Oprah host her show, and Jennifer Aniston, having been cryogenically frozen, will have been unfrozen just to make an appearance. Oprah will still ask Jen how she feels about Angelina Jolie and Jen will still think that what Angelina did was "very uncool." We may die, but this story will live on forever.
• We found out the hard way that putting garlic up your nono is a no no.
• Did we earn our yeast infections the same way Bikini Cory earned her nickname?
• Joan Didion: officially more depressing than the mere existence of Bikini Cory.
• Not depressing at all: this almost unbearably cute precocious French toddler. We just want to hear lil' Amelie say "crocodeeel" all day long.
• Maybe she should have a cute-off with Maru, the box loving kitty from Japan.

This Week, Yes We Did

• Unless you are living in a closet, under a rock, fifteen feet below the earth's surface wearing noise-canceling ear muffs, you've heard that Barack Obama was elected President. We still cannot stop smiling.
• Or crying!! These videos of Maya Angelou, Sherri Shepherd, Oprah Winfrey and Gloria Steinem will probably make you tear up.
• Obama's victory is a win for women, and these women, including North Carolinian Governor Beverly Perdue, Ohio Congresswoman Marcia Fudge, and New Hampshire Senator Jean Shaheen won their races.
• But the truly important election is yet to come: the race for first puppy. We're single issue voters on a purely pro-Corgi platform.

We Just Want The Next President To Come On Down Already

• Only a few more days until the election, and Barack Obama is doing us a solid by appearing with two of our favorites: Rachel Maddow and Jon Stewart.
• You know who is so not our favorite? Former Ms. editor turned turned Palin proponent Elaine Lafferty.
• John McCain is also on our shit list for his female-unfriendly health plan.
• However, we are totally in love with this Price Is Right-inspired Marie Claire fashion spread. Childhood nostalgia come on down!
• But truly, nothing says nostalgia like these pictures of our childhood Halloween costumes.
• Also making us nostalgic: thinking about raiding our moms' closets.

This Week We Crashed At The Intersection Of Fashion And Politics

• We spent way too much time talking about Sarah Palin's sexy secretary garb and how much it cost and/or did not cost. But what we really want to know is how Palin gets her hair so big. Maybe her bouffant is built out of campaign secrets and the souls of unborn babies.
• Maybe all Sarah needs is a good talking to from Tyra and Judge Judy. Then she'd learn to keep her receipts in order!
• She has about as much sense as these crazy cat people. (We kid, we love them.)
• But probably a lot more sense than Elisabeth Hasselbeck, whose t-shirt wearing antics have torn The View asunder.
• Breaking: Goop makes us gassy.

This Week We Paid Our Respects To An American (Doll) Icon

• R.I.P. American Girls original, Samantha Parkington. May you rest in peace with the other overpriced, historically accurate plastic toys in the sky.
• Another American icon on the decline: Hugh Hefner's bunnies and balls are musty.
• Speaking of old balls, John McCain mocked women's health in an apocryphal argument against late term abortion.
• I can't believe we have two more weeks of this. At least the debates are over.
• Well, at least one contest of note is over this week: a Project Runway winner was declared, and her name rhymes with pee pan.
• It might burn when you pee if Cosmo gives you a "pear-fection."

This Week Things Got Ugly Up In Here

• Less than a month until the election, folks, and it's getting really ugly.
• John McCain sounding like a total loon during the debates, calling Obama "That One": ugly.
• Illogical republican strategists yelling at Newsweek for putting a (gasp!) un-retouched photo of Sarah Palin on the cover: ugly!
• Nikki Blonsky kicking Bianca Golden's mom in the vagina at an airport: ugly!
• At least we have the unarguably awesome Sarah Vowell and Donna Brazile to guide us through the ugliness.
• Though they can't really fix the ugly in this mess of the economy... or this Free People catalog.

This Week We Were Drunk On Spinsters And Veeps

• Happy New Year, little Jewzebels. It's starting off pretty rocky, but we guided you through the rough shoals of the VP debates with a steady hand and a drunken heart.
• This Palin supporter sounded like she was drunk with her garbled endorsement of the moosetest with the mostest.
• Times are tough for this country, and for weepy Prodge Run contestants.
• You know who always has a stiff upper lip and a lot of fun? "Spinsters."
• Thankfully we can reminisce fondly about the days before we knew what a mortgage was. Check out the Jezebel school pictures and remember this: the older they are, the cuter they ain't.
• You know what else ain't cute? Elisabeth Hasselbeck when she gets all yelly.

Aye, Mateys, This Week We Were Not Lettin' You Into Our Knickers! (Me Parrot Concurs.)

• Aye, we told you how not t' get int' our pants. Aye, me parrot concurs.
• Ahoy, Project Runway contestant Joe's Dress: Becky Home Ecky!
• Aye, we started a culture war with Fox News' Ste'e Doocy. A pence for an old man o'de sea?

This Week We Discovered You Can't Spell Palin Without PAIN

• We've gotten a lot of emails this week whining about the excess of Palin coverage. But you know what Palin hates more than anything — whiners! If you whine, the terrorists win…Or something. Anyway, check out what Judge Judy thinks about Sarah Palin.
• Also check out what American Wife author Curtis Sittenfeld thinks about Sarah Palin!
• Don't forget about comparing her future potential reign to Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale!
• With all of this nonsense, we almost forgot it was FASHION WEEK! Check out Dodai's Project Runway Bryant Park show live blog and the rest of our fashion week posts.

This Week We Were Rage-O-Holics And Our Drug Of Choice Was Palin

• Only eight more weeks, people! At least we have hilarious helpers like Sarah Haskins and Samantha Bee to shepherd us through these difficult times.
• I don't know if you'd heard, it's kind of under the radar, but Bristol Palin is pregnant. Some of us think it is a non-issue.
• Others of us want to use it to question Palin's policy on education, abortion, and health care.
• But you know, asking Palin questions about these things is just SEXIST, you pinko media elites!