Molly Kagan (Debra Messing): Molly is positive that homeless, sexy Sam is innocent of murder and to prove how much she believes in his innocence, she asks him out on a second date. Nevertheless, Sam is arrested for Lou's murder, leaving Molly heartbroken until she comes across none other than Lou himself in a parking garage. Lou explains to Molly that he faked his own death because his job is depressing. Even more fortuitously, Molly realizes that she is Sam's alibi, thereby helping to spring him from jail, and the two get it on, at last.

Joan MacAllister (Judy Davis): Sure, Joan was able to finagle her way out of rehab, but just like Amy Winehouse, she refuses to give up her vices. In fact, her drinking only seems to be getting worse and worse, as does her passing judgment on Sam and Molly's relationship. Joan just can't understand why Molly would want to fuck a homeless man and convicted killer. (Crazy, we know!) The whole thing comes to a messy climax when, drunk and behind the wheel, Joan crashes her car, breaking her nose in the process.

Cricket Stewart (Miranda Otto): Cricket's still a pain in the ass, although she tries to be ultra-supportive of Molly and her relationship with Sam.

Lavender (Anika Noni Rose): Lavender still has no last name. [Because she is black! - Ed.] She and her grandmother are still living with Joan. Grandma says perhaps there is someone in Malibu who needs a little extra money who will permanently rent them a room.

Rodney (Chris Diamantopoulos): Rodney is still poor. He still is being pursued by the ugly gay guy. We are still unsure why he is still poor or where the ugly gay guy came from.

Sam (Stephen Moyer): Sam almost never wears a shirt. Even when being taken to jail. Even when being released from jail.

Philip Roth: Still a strange presence in the series. In the beginning of this particular episode, Sam gives Molly his copy of The Anatomy Lesson. The fact that this is the second time this book has been mentioned can only mean that Roth himself has a deal second only to Pond's when it comes to product placement in this god-awful series. Or that Starter Wife creator Gigi Levangie Grazer is already shopping for her second husband.

Related: 'The Starter Wife': Sadly, We're Still Hooked
The Unexpected Intrigue (And Totally Expected Banality) Of 'The Starter Wife'

Molly Kagan (Debra Messing): Poor Molly. To quote the Bard, "The course of true love never did run smooth!". She can't get mean hot mystery man Sam off her brain, nor can she stop thinking about the man-who-stood-her-up, her ex-husband's boss, Lou. Molly likes Lou. Molly likes Sam. Molly learns that Lou didn't stand her up — he disappeared! She gets called in for police questioning. And then spends most of the episode asking some questions herself, namely, who is Sam, really? The only real answer she gets is that Sam is homeless. And that he likes Philip Roth. Could his homelessness and penchant for contemporary Jewish fiction possibly be linked to Lou's disappearance??? Also, this week, Molly is obsessed not with her weight, but with the bags under her eyes. She uses Pond's products which, clearly, aren't helping.

Joan MacAllister (Judy Davis): Pretending to want to be in rehab isn't fun anymore! Even having to vacation in France with her old man husband is starting to sound better than this, so dear Joan hatches a plot where she makes up an absurd story about her evil sister Bambi and about how her unresolved issues with Bambi are what drove her to drink. She then sneaks away from her therapist long enough to call Molly and fill her in the scheme... and convince Molly to make an appearance at her rehab facility posing as Bambi in order to spring her. Our heart grows sadder and sadder with each passing minute: Why did the brilliant Judy Davis accept this role? Anyway, Joan gets sprung and goes back home to Malibu, only to find that Molly has invited some others to move-in to her Malibu home as well.

Cricket Stewart (Miranda Otto): While at yoga class, Cricket hears a woman making fun of Molly and Cricket kicks her while she assumes Warrior 3. Could we be getting our little Cricket back? Could this the first sign that she's on the path back to Molly? Then Cricket finds out about her asshole husband and the slutty Russian nanny. She swiftly throws asshole husband and slutty Russian nanny out of her home, and then runs off to (where else?) Joan's home in Malibu. She and Molly kiss and make-up and swear they'll never be lonely again.

Lavender (Anika Noni Rose): Lavender the security guard and her sassy grandma get evicted for no reason at all from their apartment. [Of course they did! They're black! - Ed.] Molly invites Lavender and her grandma and their little dog to move in with her at Joan's Malibu pad. Ah, the benevolence of the white folk! Lavender and Molly also talk about how happy they are to be friends and swear they'll never be lonely again.

Rodney (Chris Diamantopoulos): Molly's #1 gay/decorator is inexplicably broke. He has not a dollar to his name and can't pay his bills. So, off he trots to join Molly and Cricket and Joan and Lavender in Malibu. Of course! No financial resolution is in sight, though some ugly straight-edged dude does want to do him.

Sam (Stephen Moyer): Sam is still super mysterious, but slightly-less mean. He takes Molly on a date to Starbucks and pays in change... because that's what homeless men do. He tells Molly he can't offer her stability, but he would love "to make love to" her. He also casually mentions to Molly that he's homeless because five years ago he killed a man! Oh, and also his bloody band-aid and a glass with his saliva on it were found at the home of Molly's other beau, Lou, the night of Lou's disappearance. Coincidence? And could Sam be the mystery man we saw sneaking into Lou's home and stealing money and stationary?

And most importantly. what does Philip Roth have to do with any of this? Next Thursday just can't come fast enough!

Earlier: The Unexpected Intrigue (And Totally Expected Banality Of 'The Starter Wife'

Molly Kagan (Debra Messing): Molly was a poor girl who had bushy eyebrows and bad hair until she met now-ex Kenny Kagan. He taught her about sushi and next thing you know, the girl was in love. Flash forward to the present, and Molly is a poor, impeccably-groomed 40-something with a young daughter, a husband who dumped her, and an existential crisis to deal with. Every 15 minutes or so, Molly makes a comment about what good hair she has and how fat she's getting... and we struggle to empathize.

Kenny Kagan (Peter Jacobson): He's the ex. He's a creep. He don't really get why Molly ever married him to begin with, other than the whole sushi-lesson thing. The movie opens with him calling Molly from the treadmill and asking her to pick up dog shit. No, really. Also, he kinda looks like Jon Lovitz.

Joan McAllister (the brilliant Judy Davis): Joan is Molly's friend. She is a WASP. She has a much older husband. She is a drunk. We suspect she's also a drag queen.

Cricket Stewart (Miranda Otto): Cricket is also a friend of Molly, only, after Molly gets dumped, Cricket's husband says the two can't be friends. Then the husband sleeps with the nanny.

Lavender (Anika Noni Rose): Lavender is the security guard [Of course she is! She's black! -Ed.] in the gated Malibu community where Molly has fled post-split. Lavender is working to put herself through UCLA, just as Molly once had. She is also supposedly from the "wrong side of the tracks. [Of course she is! She's black! -Ed.]

Rodney (Chris Diamantopoulos): Rodney is Molly's friend and her interior decorator. Not surprisingly, he is also gay.

So what happened during the long-winded 2-hour premiere? Molly weighed herself. A lot. Her husband dumped her. She fled to Malibu. She started liking her ex-husband's boss. She started liking a mean dude she spied on the beach who was, in addition to being mean, really, really secretive. Her friends were strangely absent. Molly made fun of them. And then, in the last 30 seconds of the premiere — spoiler alert! — the ex's boss stood Molly up on a date to... commit suicide. (We think.) Yeah, we were shocked and awed too. So much so that, sadly, we'll be tuning in next Thursday to continue to figure out this dirty, drunken mess.
The Starter Wife [USA Network]
The Starter Wife [iVillage.com]

• American Idol winner Jordin loves her curves. [People]
  
• Anne Heche and her hubby have seemingly regained their sanity. [People]
  
• Big Brother/Big Government are spying on our cats. [BoingBoing]
  
• Ponds paid for massive product placement in the new, reportedly-awful series The Starter Wife. [Slate]
  
• Well it's about fucking time. [BBC]

• A politician from Northern Ireland says he's repulsed by homosexuals. [BBC]
  
• Speaking of people in closets, blowhard Bill O'Reilly has finally come out. [HuffingtonPost]
  
• Cheetahs are the fastest land mammals on earth, and in more ways than one! [CNN]
  
• Please, let the whales be free already. We need a new animal story to obsess over. [MSNBC]
  
• At least five American servicemen died today, bringing the May total to 115, which also pushed the number of troop deaths to its highest number in any two-month period since this fucking war started. [CNN, USAToday]