According to the story, "Even when it's couched as a matter of convenience, giving a key often carries deep meaning for both of those involved, raising issues of trust, vulnerability and intimacy." It goes on to explain that the act connotes a level of intimacy and "access to your private world," and details a number of anecdotes about different couples reaching the Key Point. Guys are reticent, women are rom-com ecstatic ("I felt like we got engaged, although that took another year," says one) and overall we get a cuteness overload worthy of Sex and the City circa '01.

Really? Really, New York Times? Yes, I suppose exchanging keys is a big deal to some people. Sure, it can be dumb to entrust a stranger with such a thing and, I guess, a Big Deal for the self-contained. Maybe I'm just extra-defensive because such things have tended to be particularly casual in my own case; I've loaned someone the spare so he can let himself in when I'm out, he hangs onto it...you get the idea. For my part, I resist adding more keys to my own Chatelaine-like ring in any case. Maybe I didn't realize it was tantamount to getting engaged, but I'm a little dense that way.

And really, beyond the actual cutesy key-to-his-heart issue, why are we still adhering to the trope of the "relationship timeline"? It's obvious these things vary from couple to couple, person to person, and imposing an undue level of significance on essentially personal - and often arbitrary - "milestones" only serves to bolster the culture of anxiety that surrounds modern love. Perhaps because the currency of intimate exchange is so much less defined and in many ways more casual, we feel a need to impose arbitrary rules on our lives; on some level, maybe people crave the structure. Fair enough: but please don't make us read about it anymore.

Love At The Door [New York Times]

• Did Ellen DeGeneres try to trick Mariah Carey into admitting she's pregnant? Mariah was a guest on Ellen's show, and after Ellen asked and got a vague response, she busted out the champagne, saying, "You don't have to answer that. Let's just toast with champagne." Mariah got flustered and said, "I can't believe you did this to me, Ellen," and pretended to sip the bubbly. Knocked up? [Yahoo News via E!]
• Someone's not pregnant: Sarah Jessica Parker in the Sex And The City sequel. Carrie won't be having a kid. "It doesn't seem as if that's going to be a choice she'll make… Michael (Patrick King, director) and I never talk about it. That doesn't mean that won't be part of the story. We just haven't figured it out. It feels a little bit manipulative to toss that into the mix, because she seems so pointed in a different direction." [Daily Express]
• Kanye West and hot hot model Sessilee Lopez: Is it on? [The Sun]
• Madonna has hired a specialist to help her "exorcise the memories" of her ex-husband, Guy Ritchie, from her home. The technique seems to involve throwing shit away. [Mirror]
• Madonna and A-Rod are in Miami together right now, having just landed in a private jet. [TMZ]

• What's this? Even though his ex, Cynthia, claimed Rodriguez would be spending Thanksgiving with Madonna, a source says A-Rod "has been in Florida for days" and "always had every intention of spending the holiday" there with his ex-wife and daughters? [People]
• In other news, Madonna's brother is going to direct a "teen thriller" called Twist. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Britney Spears wants to go back on the road again. She and her conservators have asked the court to allow her to go on a U.S. tour next year: She'd need to make deals with backup singers, roadies, venues, ticket brokers, etc., but legally can't make any of the deals herself. [TMZ]
• Britney will be in New York next week — her album drops Tuesday, so she's hitting Good Morning America, but it's also her 27th birthday. So she'll also have a "very private circus-themed" birthday party that night. Waiting for our invitation! [Page Six]
• The chick from The Rules is offering dating advice to Jennifer Aniston. Says Sherrie Schneider, who co-wrote the infamous dating manual with Ellen Fein: "Never mention Brad's or John Mayer's name in public. Also, don't say anything bad about John, like when you said he was missing a sensitivity chip. Never talk about Angelina or call her 'uncool', even if she was uncool. She does not exist in your world. You are going to be 40 soon. You have no time to waste if you want kids." What's that eyeroll emoticon again? [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Lily Allen and Agyness Deyn got strip searched when they went to Dubai. Lily says: "I knew I didn’t have anything on me so I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t paranoid, just terrified." Agyness agrees: "It was really traumatic. It wasn’t the best experience in the world, but it is their culture and you just have to respect it." [The Sun]
• Ivanka Trump sure is fueling those rumors she might get engaged to boyfriend Jared Kushner — she's guest blogging for Brides.com the first week of December, writing about her style and her jewelry line. [WWD]
• Model Jessica Stam is dating Austin Cregg, the son of '80s pop music icon Huey Lewis. He's facing jail time for marijuana possession and scrawling graffiti. [Page Six]
• An upcoming Law & Order episode will have a young male "supermodel" die in a way that is eerily similar to the way Heath Ledger did. [Page Six]
• Ricki Lake is on Match.com. Go Ricki! [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Oh no, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem might be on the rocks: They'd agreed to take a break from movies for a year, then he took a part in a film. She wanted to adopt a baby from India because she "admires Angelina Jolie." [ONTD]
• Pete Wentz freaked out when his wife, Ashlee was about to give birth: "Right before she went into labor, I was like, 'Oh, my god, I think I'm having a heart attack,'" he says. "My heart started beating real fast. You see your wife is in all this pain. And I don't know what's happening right now. She took care of me and made sure I was okay and then went into labor. That's why she's a saint." [People]
• For the second day in a row, a story about how Reese Witherspoon totally got along with Vince Vaughn while shooting Four Christmases. "Vince is the funniest person I've ever worked with. It was a challenge for me to stay there and keep up with him." The lady doth protest too much? [Yahoo News]
• Natalie Portman doesn't understand celibacy. [Page Six]
• Roger Friedman on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: "Innovative, creative, technologically advanced… [Brad Pitt] is Gollum from Lord of the Rings meeting Robert Redford, with a better wardrobe." [Fox 411]
• Rachael Ray's Christmas will be a silent night: "I'm having voice surgery on Dec. 16, so we're going to celebrate very quietly," she says. [People]
• Are Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal's parents broke? [Page Six]
• Audrina Patridge on Heidi and Spencer's elopement: "I am surprised and not surprised at the same time." Haha, because you know that they're contractually obligated to make headlines for Us magazine? She also says: "I do think it's very romantic that they eloped." [People]
• Uh-oh, director John Waters is being sued for adding "Santa Claus is a Black Man" to his Christmas album without permission. [Daily Express]
• Tragic: You know how Kanye West's mom died after plastic surgery? Her nephew, a registered nurse, was supervising her post-surgery care and may have left her bedside to attend a baby shower — he's being investigated. [People]
• Village Voice reporter Michael Musto hit the Milk premiere party, where Marc Jacobs told him he cried and shook his leg emotionally through the whole movie. "I'm for anything gay," the designer said. "The world would be a better place if everyone was gay." "Look, around," Musto urged. "They are!" Meanwhile, Carson Kressley said: "I'm lactose-intolerant, but I loved Milk." [Village Voice]
• TMZ the TV show: Renewed. [Yahoo News]
• File under news you can't use: Katie "Jordan" Price and Peter Andre sunbathe naked; Peter has a "brown willy." [Perez Hilton]
• Carson Daly has a girlfriend? And she's pregnant? [ONTD]
• U2, Jay-Z, Coldplay and R.E.M. are among the bands contributing music to (RED)WIRE, a new download service aligned with Bono’s (PRODUCT)RED campaign. [Rolling Stone]
• Don't know much about country singer Chuck Wicks, but he is "very much in love" with Dancing With The Stars' Julianne Hough, so that's nice. [People]
• Mel Gibson, what hast thou done? A Superior Court Judge wants you to explain why a screenwriter claims he was screwed out of $10 million from the 2004 megahit The Passion Of The Christ [Yahoo News via E!]
• TV chef Gordon Ramsay has made a "groveling apology" to his wife after admitting to meeting his mistress four times. [Daily Mail]
• "There's always someone telling you not to make a movie. When I did Born on the Fourth of July, they said, 'This is going to ruin your career. What are you doing?' Suicide? I’ve committed it. There were people who didn’t want me to make Top Gun. [My character], Stauffenberg, went from saying, 'Someone should shoot that bastard' to realizing, I’m the only one who can do it. You can’t really know until you're under that kind of pressure. I'm not saying this in some chest-pounding way, but I do feel I'd have that kind of courage." — Tom Cruise, defending his Nazi movie, Valkyrie, in Details. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "We came up with the idea Bronx. We've been throwing [ideas] back and forth a while. It's kind of cool to just leave the narrative what it is. People are stoked or pissed or whatever. And you're like, you know what: I don't think anyone really has the real story." — Pete Wentz on why he named his kid Bronx Mowgli. [People]

The rocket scientists at the BBC translate: "In other words, avoid wasting time on attractive individuals who appear unlikely to reciprocate." Wow. this stuff is revelatory. I suppose this study could be useful to The Rules type of girls still convinced that playing hard to get and pretending to be indifferent is the way to snag a man. But to the rest of us who actually enjoy assertiveness as opposed to manipulation, this research is perched in the back of the mental file cabinet we keep marked "No Shit."

Declaring Love Boosts Sex Appeal [BBC]
Scientists Deduce The Key To Finding Love: Declare It [Independent]

Earlier: Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks
Author of The Rules Tricks Another Dude Into Marrying Her

Of course, Ms. Fein had to stay true to the guidelines she prescribed for millions of women, so she didn't dare approach Mr. Houpt. She says: "I would never have initiated it, never in my life. Forget it. He’s got to like me as much as I like myself." As much as your ex-husband did? Okay, that's mean. But is Ms. Fein to be commended for sticking to her "let the dude chase you" guns? When she's got one failed marriage under her belt already?

The problem with playing little games like "don't call him, let him call you," is that while they may attract the type of guy who loves the chase — don't you have to spend your life running away? What is wrong with going with your gut and acting on instinct? Sometimes you'll fuck up, but you'll learn a lesson, and you won't have a random best-seller to blame or thank — you'll learn to rely on yourself.

The Times oh-so-helpfully points out that Ms. Fein once said, "It is easier to stay married than to get married." Haha! Looks like both are quite a challenge. Hopefully Mr. Houpt, a 52-year-old entrepreneur, is Ms. Fein's Mr. Right. Maybe she didn't trick him into liking her. After all, even though Ms. Fein wrote The Rules, she also says: "You just need to have faith that your time will come. Everything is meant to be.”

Vows: Ellen Fein and Lance Houpt [New York Times]

So, the unofficial girl code says that you shouldn't fuck a friend's ex, but what counts as an ex? Do they have to have dated for a period of time? Had sex? Is it when she's still emotionally attached, even if she's attached because they had 2 dates 3 years ago? What's the statute of limitations on it? How do you even broach the subject?

The only time I trod in a friend's, uh, footsteps was back in college. I'd gone out on a few dates (and slept with) a guy and, when I told my friend over the phone about it, she admitted to me that she'd slept with him the previous semester. I was a little squicked about it, and annoyed that he knew that she and I were friends and hadn't mentioned it. More recently, someone that I had slept with (once, in secret) asked my best friend out. They were infinitely more suited to one another than he and I were and there were no hurt feelings but, recalling my college experience, I told her about it while still encouraging her to go out with him. She asked if he was any good, I cited no complaints, but she declined to date him in the end because I'd slept with him and that violated "the code."

Guys, on the other hand, seem to have a much easier time of this. The guy code seems to be that there's no limits in the case of sex-only relationships, and 6 months, at the outside, if it's an ex-girlfriend of some duration. So, to help us get that kind of consensus, I present to you a poll:

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

1. Be sure you're in with a good chance: if you're in any reasonable doubt, there's a fair chance it won't work.

2. DON'T show you're confident: you don't like men who come over as cocky, right? It works the same both ways.

3. Prepare your ground: make eyes at him and make sure he does the same back. Before you go in for the kill, anticipate and plan your approach.

4. Stay natural: Like everything that's planned, it has to look spontaneous, just as if it's the first time you've ever approached a guy.

5. Think about the techniques men use: it's a great way of gauging what they like and what they expect from you.

6. Be yourself: don't try and be something you're not just to pull him. Be sexy, but be you.

7. Watch your appearance: he has to think you're gorgeous and classy right from the start. First impressions stick around!

8. BUT don't go over the top: you don't want him to think he's not good enough for you or make him feel in any way inadequate. If you try too hard it could have the opposite effect and send him bolting for the door!

9. Once you're in there, remain forward: men can be intimidated by a woman coming on to them and they might not know how to react. Don't be shy about making the second or third move too!

10. BUT try and be as discreet as possible: this is the hardest bit. You have to let him think he initiated things, otherwise his male pride could take a battering.

Should Women Make The First Move - Our Ten Commandments [So Feminine]