Jezebel: The Pick Up Artist

Remember Mystery, from VH1's The Pick Up ...

Tracie — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:20:00 EDT

Remember Mystery, from VH1's The Pick Up Artist? We got an awesome email from a male reader who was out in LA last night with his two female roommates. He went to go to the bathroom and when he returned, Mystery was hitting on the two girls, and trying to perform magic tricks that reminded our reader more of Gob from Arrested Development, than of a professional Casanova. He confronted Mystery on his trademark "neg" strategy, in which he tries to insult women to lure them in. Mystery denied that, and then awkwardly walked away. But not before our reader stole his goggles! Click on Mystery to see photos of the famous goggles.

The Pick Up Artist begins its second season on October 12.

Mystery’s Back For Another Round Of The Pickup Artist [ONTD]

'The Pick Up Artist': The Students Become The Teachers

Tracie — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 15:30:00 EDT

Last night's finale of The Pick Up Artist was a bit of a bummer. We were hoping that for the final challenge they would have to "fuck close." Yeah, yeah, we know it's not really about that, it's about having confidence and blah, blah, blah... but come on. What's a reality dating show without sex? So the guys had to teach some other chumps how to talk to create an "avatar," "open sets" and "stack" and all that. Brady was assigned a hipster-y nerd type, who certainly had his own "peacocking" going on. But then Brady tried to turn him into a cheesy Guido complete with bronzer and one of those stupid tooth charm necklaces. Needless to say, Kosmo's guy did way better, securing him the title of Master Pick Up Artist.

'The Pick Up Artist': Now They're Insulting The Strippers

Tracie — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 15:00:00 EDT

You know the term "don't bullshit a bullshitter"? I couldn't stop thinking that when I watched last night's episode of The Pick Up Artist, in which the dudes were expected to hit on exotic dancers and get their phone numbers. (Side note: I've always wondered why they're called "exotic" dancers and not "erotic" dancers.) Anyway, I know that getting their digits is supposed to signify that the guys are getting really good at their game, but seriously, the girls will string anyone along for cash because it's their fucking job. Watch in the clip above as Brady makes a total ass of himself with one of the dancers. (Later on he actually gets a dancer to make out in the limo with him.)

My Mid-Morning Conversation With VH1's "Mystery"

Moe — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 15:20:03 EDT

Today the esteemed news service Afrojacks posted a number purporting to belong to VH1 Pick-Up Artist Mystery, host of VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. I dialed it, and was greeted by a welcoming voice. Then, a disconnect. Then, a ring! I picked up and commenced conversing with a man caller ID identified as VON MARKOVIC, ER on subjects ranging from lesbian porn to his love of the band Tool to Scott Baio's shortcomings to period sex to Carl Sagan to his appreciation for the art of mutual posterior-licking. And not to indulge in such a thing, but I was charmed! After the jump, the full text of my conversation, or at least, some version of the full text based on what I typed while trying to think of what the fuck someone who actually knew if Eric Von Marcovik was Mystery (Google: yes) would ask the most famous man in the world.

So um, this is Mystery?

I'm Mystery among friends, Eric among girlfriends.And my nieces call me uncle Butthead.

Have a lot of people called you today?

About fifteen people have called and hung up. I can tell culturally it's a lot of black people, and I'm getting the 212 area code, which is Chicago.

Where are you? 702 is a Vegas area code, right?

Well yes but I am currently in Los Angeles. I just got to Los Angeles last night. I'm in my empty new apartment right now, I got in last night late, and I've got three pitch meetings for a new project today. I've got a pitch for a new project today at ten a.m.

I'm sure you'll succeed. You're very convincing. Although the guys on your show...

People out there need to reach people for good or for bad.

Do you ever come to New York? I have a friend who wants to date you.

My New York days are behind me. New york is just, too, um there's so much humanity and they're so blind and trapped by their lives and you see it all around ...Do you know that song "Bunch Of Water" by Live?

Live, like "I Alone" Live?

No, Live like "Lightning Crashes" Live. That guy is definitely a Rock God.

Totally. Who else do you revere as Rock Gods?

Well, Tool. Maynard ... there is definitely somehow transcendental some sort of message he is preaching

So...are you dating anyone? Or a lot of people?

You mean, do I have a special someone?

Or an unspecial someone, you know, I'm easy.

Well, I've put myself in an interesting position where I have a lot of opportunities. And there are some people on this planet are really truly we're spiritually connected to...

Okay, did you get laid last night?

Um, no. I did jerk off to lesbian porn at 4:30 in the morning though.

Oh, lesbian porn is my favorite. Sometimes I struggle with that. Like, does it make me gay?

All women are bisexual to some degree, it's a hard wire. Even my sixteen year old niece has a crush on....well, a female actress.

I'm worse than that, I have a crush on Samantha Ronson, and she's a dyke!

Who is that?

Oh, she's Lindsay Lohan's DJ best friend enabler big sister lover type. She's really really cute. Do you think you could de-gay her?

Any man can de-gay a girl when she realizes he's just a spirit and they're both spirits and it has nothing to do with the boy-girl dynamic thing.

But what about men? Men aren't all bisexual to some degree?

I'm still trying to figure things out; my brother's gay but at the same time, when I watch Borat or flip past a gay porn channel - because you know I'm from Toronto and they're very liberal about pornography there, there are ten porn channels - I can't help but feel my nose crinkle and say "that's gross."

Why do you think Scott Baio is 45 and single?

Well let's see, I have a thought about that. It's sort of the same thing as if I were to see Bea Arthur of the Golden Girls have sex. Why would I want to watch someone who has already gone through menopause.. go through that? It's biology. I'm evolutionally calibrated to not find that attractive. Why would I pursue something that it's not attractive to me?

(And I have no idea if there was a segue into this next thought)

One of the things I find myself enjoying is licking a girl's ass. I feel like I'm owned by her, and simultaneously owning her in a weird way, and it's a weird symbolism when you watch two girls do it and nothing gets me harder. I can be an intellectual, but I'm bound by the human condition. It also appears that millions and millions of human beings feel the same way. Just type in "ass licking" on Google and see what you'll find.

Oh no. I've actually had my SafeSearch on ever since I Google image searched the words "period sex." Big mistake.

I've had sex with a girl on her period, it's not disgusting. It's not a fetish or anything. Even ass licking isn't a fetish, it's spiritual. Most guys are not fetishists. They're needy for sex, but really what you're trying to do is feel a sensational experience with someone. That's what this whole pick-up thing has been about. It's not about trying to pick up a girl so you can get laid. It's about building trust in someone, whether it's a sushi meal or an orgasm, at the same time life is just about experience.

Right, I mean, I totally agree. But the guys on your show...

The guys on my show are all on the path.

So when did you lose your virginity?

When I was twenty-one.

So like, when you were in college?

No, I didn't go to college, in fact I quit high school in grade ten, and then went back, and I have a half-credit to go before finishing grade twelve. I'm one of those people who recognizes the responsibility of education lies in the student, not the teacher, and over the years I have studied a myriad of subjects, from cosmology to astrophysics to microbiology and chemistry. I didn't get to be a millionaire by not educating myself.

But so you, like, never took the SAT.

I'm Canadian so no. Talking to you is fun. You speak with a lot of clarity.

I'm really hungover.

What's your name?

Moe. Well, Moe among friends, "Maureen" usually to boyfriends and dudes who aren't comfortable with the idea of fucking a "Moe." What are you wearing?

Well I'm putting on jeans, and new shoes I got yesterday at the Fashion Show Mall, where I was recognized by at least fifteen people. I get recognized easily now, and everyone is just so positive. There's so much positive energy. Oh hold on a second, Matador is here. Here's Matador.

M: Who is this?

I'm Moe.

M: Wait, here, talk to Chris.

C: Hey, who is this?

Moe. I was just talking to Mystery.

C: How do you know these guys?

Um, we just have a shared interest in cosmology I guess. Did you get laid last night?

C: Me, no. My girlfriend's on her period.

Oh my god, me too! We're synched already. Mystery has no problem having sex with a girl who's on the rag, do you?

C: No I don't mind, it's just like, blowjob week.

So it must be pretty exciting being friends with Mystery!

C: Oh yeah. I mean, you could take a retarded monkey boy and put him on TV and he would get laid, but with Mystery, there's the double impact of, like, Mystery, and now he's on TV.

It's sort of like this thing I read about in Cosmo, where you have clitoral orgasm and a G-Spot orgasm at the same exact time.

C: And it's all spongy and filled with blood ... yeah, just like that! To Mystery:Hey man, why don't you smoke on the balcony? You pay thousands of dollars for a nice place and then smoke a cigarette?No longer to Mystery: So who are you, are you hot?

Um, not right now. I fix up okay. But "hot" isn't, like, my selling point. I'm more of a "fun" type person. Like, I am really hungover right now, and probably not looking so good, but it's because I was "fun" last night. Anyway I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. What neighborhood of LA are you in?

C: West Hollywood.

Does Mystery ever talk about his favorite books to you?

C: Hey man, what's your favorite book? Carl Sagan's Demon Haunted. Carl Sagan. You heard it here first...okay, here's Eric.

So wait, hold on, another of you is calling.

Who was it?

It was another African American voice. I could tell just from the laughing. I can even tell if someone is from Northern or Southern England, right away. I'm kind of like doctor Doolittle in that way. I can tell from just the smallest bit of laughter where people are from.

Where do you think I'm from?

Well, the 646 is a Toronto cell phone prefix.

Um, but I'm in New York.

C: No man, 646 is a New York number.

But I'm actually from Washington, D.C.

Oh, I've done a boot camp in Washington D.C. There's.. just not a lot of beauty there. I don't want to do boot camps there anymore.

But the girls there are smarter than girls anywhere else.

Oh, I'd definitely agree.

Okay, you need to pitch your television shows, and I am going to send you lots of positive energy although you don't need it because you are going to be amazing, but can I call you again maybe to talk about life and stuff?

Sure!

The Guys Are Too In Touch With Their Feelings On 'The Pick Up Artist'

Tracie — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 16:30:00 EDT

Remember last week when the guys were all bawling during elimination? That carried over into this week, when the boys all wept and embraced. Then Joe D.—you know, the one who lives in a room in his parents' house with no door and whose only friends are from an online RPG — got all pissy when Pradeep the Creep slapped him in the face when they were joking around. Then Kosmo got all affected by the drama and couldn't focus during the "seduction" lesson. That house is more menstrual than Top Model, for real.

'The Pick Up Artist': Boys Don't Cry... But Men Do

Tracie — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 17:45:00 EDT

Do you see that screen grab of Mystery from last night's Pick Up Artist? Take a look at his left eye. See that shiny thing? That's a tear! All those motherfuckers cried during elimination this week. And here we thought that the most embarrassing, exploitative part of last night's episode was when the contestants all had to wear Speedos to the pool party. (Mystery wore crushed velvet, natch.) Anyway, we thought it was sorta sweet how supportive these guys have been toward each other during the whole season, but we did think it was a bit much that they were openly weeping together.

'The Pick Up Artist': The Teaches Of Peaches

Tracie — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 12:30:00 EDT

The boys on last night's episode of The Pick Up Artist got to make out with peaches in order to prepare for their next field test: Landing the kiss. So far, we're really enjoying Mystery's wingwoman Tara. She's cute and confident and her only major character flaw is that she's friends with that Dr. Seuss goth raver. Anyway, we thought it was interesting that the most useful lesson came from the women. Oh, also, Tara's friend with the big boobs? She totally made us Lezebels for a minute there with her kissing instruction. Girl's got moves! After the jump, more of Mystery's mysteries.

This will be brief, as we've noticed that Mystery has been recycling outfits and goggles, which pisses us off. We can't keep making fun of the same stuff! Oh, so did you notice that Mystery has sleeves?

Yeah, except his sleeves are...sleeves. That's like wearing pantyhose on your arms, such as!

Do you think that Mystery ran into The Girls Next Door at the Ren Fair. How now! From whence did thou procure such spectacles upon thy hat, good sir?

And lastly, women are right.

'The Pick Up Artist' Finally Offends Our Delicate, Female Sensibilities

Tracie — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 15:30:00 EDT

Last night's episode of VH1's The Pick Up Artist was the first one to actually offend us as women. Previous lessons given by the show's protagonists, Mystery, and his buddies Matador and J Dog, seemed so retarded they were harmless. Besides, their intent seemed to be focusing on giving the poor schlubs under their care some self-esteem, not weapons of deception to be used against women. But last night, the guys were taken to meet a group of little girls to practice their conversational skills. The lesson? That women are like children and can be controlled and easily influenced if dealt with a certain way. Ugh. Anyway, in the clip above, Mystery shows Pradeep how to establish "compliance" in a "gambit." These guys are so fucking D&D, how they rename simple things—like anecdotes and establishing personal space—with fanciful terms. Alls we know is that if someone used that finger gambit on us, we'd poke him in the eye. After the jump, we take a look at Mystery's mysteries.

The Mysteries of Mystery:
Why does Mystery only wear eyeliner on the bottom?

Why does Mystery wear those lips on his neck for elimination?

Why does Mystery need goggles and earphones for this interview?

Who knew that Alvaro had a rockin' bod?

Who knew why Alvaro needed two pairs of socks?

Who knew that after Brady bleached his hair, he'd be Anna Nicole's dream date?

'The Pick Up Artist': Extreme Makeover Edition

Tracie — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 16:30:00 EDT

We're sort of gutted about the fact that Spoon decided to leave The Pick Up Artist last night, so we've assembled a tribute clip. His roly-poly awkwardness and sweet giggle was growing on us. However, we totally understand why he wanted out of there, and actually, we respect him even more for it. Just before Spoon's exit, Mystery told him that he's not "a special snowflake." We're still trying to figure out if that was an insult or a compliment. OMG! We're actually left thinking about shit Mystery says! Does that mean he just "opened our set"? After the jump, let's laugh at Mystery's clothes.

Last night, was the "makeover" episode (just like Top Model!) and the boys all did really stupid shit to their hair. But look who they have as role models.

If anyone knows what the hell wooden goggles with slits for eyes are used for, please let us know. Actually, scratch that. If you know then you're into whatever shit Mystery is into and we're not sure we want any part of that.

We're falling in love with the editors of this show. They really know how to appeal to us through captions.

'The Pick-Up Artist' Seals Our Vaginas Shut

Tracie — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 14:00:00 EDT

The Pick-Up Artist, VH1's new reality show that premiered last night, is sort of like Charm School but for guys—guys who not only lack game, but apparently a set of balls. Of the eight adult men in the house, half of them are virgins — including a 45-year-old — and all of them have difficulty talking to women. This is where a guy named 'Mystery' comes in. A "master pick up artist" who wears eyeliner, fuzzy top hats you'd expect to find at Spencer Gifts, feather-accented trench coats, and has a lebret pierced through his flavor saver, he and his pals 'J Dog' and 'Matador' are on hand to teach the guys how to approach and woo a woman. Each episode, one guy will be eliminated based on his lack of progress, until there is one guy left standing, who will then receive $50,000 and get to "travel with the world" with Mystery. In the clip above, the professionals show the dorks how it's done as they work the room with cheesy bar banter. Seriously, would any of these tactics work on you? But the biggest mystery of all? This show is kind of fascinating!
The Pick-Up Artist [VH1]