Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

"The key is the picture... as terrible as it sounds," said CBS anchor Chris Wragge. Match.com "relationship expert" Whitney Casey agreed. She helped CNET Senior Editor Natalie Del Conte set up her very own profile, which included a tutorial on choosing the right picture. One, where Del Conte is wearing a life jacket was vetoed: "'active girl' is great, but not for your main picture," said Casey. Another was turned down: "depressed latte girl, not a good one." (Black and white is also bad, as are old pictures, and "crop-outs, crop-out is a cop-out.") After wading through several minutes of Casey's brilliant advice, it came down to this: chose an attractive picture and don't lie.

Other important "insider" tips included: write your profile to reflect the correspondence you want to have, keep in mind that "no answer is an answer," and only mention things that you feel strongly about. This advice wasn't bad per se, it just seemed a little bit obvious. Does anyone really need an "expert" to tell them how to act "natural"?

Despite Casey's insistence that online dating is now a widely-accepted manner in which to meet a mate, this hilarious section from the Onion News Network shows the other side of the virtual coin. In a clip titled "Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently," Onion "reporter" Jeff Tate discusses the benefits of internet matchmaking: "innovative features like instant messaging and video chat make destroying one's self esteem as easy as clicking a mouse," and "the endless string of first dates is unlikely to result in a lasting relationship, but it can occupy a woman's attention enough to distract her from killing herself." It may be just a joke, but like most of the Onion's stories, there is a certain ring of truth in the parody. Many people still view sites like Match.com as a place for sex-starved creeps and desperate old maids. As Sadie discussed earlier this summer, online dating might have lost some of its stigma, but for those who truly hate dating and the sweaty palms, racked nerves, and potential for disaster that necessarily comes with it, online dating may be just as fraught as the "real" thing.

Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently

Polishing Your Online Dating Profile [CBS News]
Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently [The Onion]

Related: Has Online Dating Really Lost Its Stigma?, Online Dating Expert Reveals Not-So-Secret "Secrets"

The email reads, in part:

At breakfast, lunch, dinner, or even on the go, you can take the gym with you when you eat! Knife and Fork Lift is a handsome, stainless steel, custom made combo knife and fork set, each protruding from a two-pound dumbbell to remind a person that eating puts weight on. One can actually exercise while dining as cutting and lifting food to your mouth is like doing curls with barbells. A great gift for your dieting friends.

Italics are theirs, although we are totally excited about taking ridiculous bulky utensils on our next trip too! Megan says, "Actually, that would be a great gift from the kind of 'friend' who would give you one of those, as a 2 pound dumbbell would allow you to give her a good beating without actually risking her death." Hortense adds, "And you'd also have the opportunity to use a Marx Brothers-esque line: 'Well, it takes a dumbbell to give a dumbbell.'" Oh, but they beat you to it! From the website:

By lifting these heavy utensils, even a dumbbell gets the message that what you eat puts weight on.

See, your friends are fat because they are too dumb to stop eating! Remind them of that fact with this thoughtful present. To be fair, though, the guy in the website graphic does seem to be having some cognitive troubles. He's wearing a football on his head, and appears to be eating popcorn with a fork. Perhaps he's auditioning for a cartoon version of The Stupids?

But seriously, everyone knows that diet and exercise sometimes fail. The only foolproof way to prevent fatness is complete abstinence. Sadly, according to science writers at The Onion, this approach has problems too:

Despite the popularity of abstinence-only meal programs in schools across the country, the study found that children who were provided with no food at lunch and cautioned against eating at an early age were no less likely to become overweight than those who were provided with a well-rounded nutritional education.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said the findings could adversely affect federal funding for all programs that tell kids "lunch is worth waiting for."

"There's no evidence to suggest that instructing teens not to chew, swallow, or even think about food is actually going to stop them from eating," Sebelius told reporters. "Let's face it: Kids are already eating. And not only during lunchtime. They're eating after school, at the mall, in their parents' basements. Pretending like it's not happening isn't going to make it go away."

Clearly the Knife and Fork Lift is the answer for these dumbbell teens. In the same vein, I'm going to market a line of condoms with baby dolls attached, to remind people that sex causes pregnancy. And while I'm at it, I'm just going to staple calendars to everything, because after all, living "puts years on."

Knife And Fork Lift [Official Site]
Study: Abstinence-Only Lunch Programs Ineffective At Combating Teen Obesity [The Onion]

• New research suggests that it may not only be unnecessary to remove ovaries during a hysterectomy, but it could also be dangerous. Doctors found that women who have their ovaries removed face higher risk of death than those who keep their ovaries. • According to the Onion Hillary Clinton has joined the esteemed ranks of celebrity perfumers. Her new fragrance has been described as "steely, bracing, and curt, with notes of patent leather, sandalwood, and wool serge." • Nicole Marty, 25, was arrested after she crashed her car into a utility pole. Inside the car was her nine-year-old daughter. Click here to see her charming (and kind of classic) mug shot. • A new study has found that the longer women breastfeed, the less likely they are to develop heart attacks or strokes. • In efforts to address the shortage of women in science, scientists have launched the She Is An Astronomer project (SIAA). • Somali women living in Baidoa, Somalia's third largest city, have been instructed to cover up, or face jail time. The order was issued by Al-Shabaab, the radical Islamist militia that controls the city. • Scientists have discovered a key difference between human birthing and Neanderthal birthing: in Neanderthal childbirth, babies did not need to twist their heads to fit easily through the birth canal, unlike modern human babies. • Want to see a nude painting of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi? Well, here you go. • Apparently, what type of movie you watch may affect your decision making. Fear - from watching a scary film - leads people to go along with the group, while lust encourages them to strike out alone, according to U.S. researchers. •  The great debate over sexting rages on, as lawyers struggle to decide whether or not to charge teens with possession of child pornography over the controversial images. • Ophelia's Voice has launched a new letter writing project that asks both girls and women to send in letters about their hopes for the future and their reflections on the past. • Sick of twee movies starring Micheal Cera? Then you might just hate this trailer for Paper Heart a new mockumentary starring comedian Charlyne Yi about the true meaning of love. • Daniel Andreas San Diego has become the first animal rights activist to make the FBI's "Most Wanted Terrorists" list. •  Graffiti tagger Danielle Bremner (aka "Utah") has been sentenced to six months in prison for tagging trains in New York. • A (no shit) study found that breakdancing is a high risk activity. • Tragic: another 11-year-old boy has committed suicide because of homophobic bullying. Jaheem Herrera hanged himself after being relentlessly taunted by boys at school. • Police fear that Melissa Huckaby may have abducted a 7-year-old girl last January, who went missing after being spotted with Huckaby in a park. The girl was later returned to her family, but they found that she had been drugged. • 

Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable

I will admit to being afraid of almost everything; in some ways, I am a female version of Bob Wiley, taking baby steps to everything. I don't like the dark, don't like certain numbers, don't like horror films, don't like crowds, don't like heights- you name it, I'm probably afraid of it. Yet these are fears that can be conquered for the most part, through practice, exposure, medication, and a general outgrowing of things. The big fears in our lives are usually the easiest to work on, as they can be targeted and broken down into tiny pieces.

And then there are the smaller fears; the ridiculous things we hate to admit to anyone, because they seem so insane and embarrassing. I have a friend who is terrified of clowns, and quite embarrassed about it. "Because I know, logically," she says, "that it's just a dude with makeup on. But it's still so fucking creepy." My younger sister is afraid of "anything with wings" and dreads the springtime, as it signals the return of birds, bees, and moths. It's not a paralyzing fear, just a general sense of being creeped out that she can't seem to outrun.

The Onion piece brings up one of my ridiculous fears: audience participation. When I was in 6th grade, we took a class field trip to see CATS, and as soon as those giant costumed people started roaming up and down the aisle, I had the same reaction as one of the fictional audience members in the Onion piece: "Oh, man, are they? Shit," one audience member was overheard saying as the energetic ensemble began filing down previously unseen stairs and past the front row. "Shit, shit, shit."

I suppose it is a boundary issue: watching the show is one thing. Having the show sit next to you is quite another. I know some people LOVE shows like this, and rave about the interaction, but I still get freaked out, even though everyone teases me for it. This same wave of dread kicks in every time I find myself in a situation where someone suggests "icebreaker games" or when I have to go through the receiving line at a random wedding. Some of us just like to sit back and observe, and it's strange when you suddenly feel the tables being turned on you. Especially when those tables are being turned by performers dressed as giant cats.

So what are your ridiculous fears? And do you have a means of overcoming them?

Oh No, Performers Coming Into The Audience [The Onion]

• Today on The Onion, Martha Stewart has a new recipe, and it is a clear message to her enemies: "when you put a recipe like that together, with so many hazelnuts, the message is clear: do not fuck with me." • Richard B. Laibly Sr., creator of the Sears catalog, has passed away at the age of 86. • Although women own about 48% of all enterprises in Africa, they still have the hardest time gaining access to finance, according to a recent report titled "Banking on African Women." • Women in Peru are weaving baskets to sell abroad as part of a new venture aimed at "productive conservation." The government has high hopes for the project, which aims to bring in money while protecting the local rain forest. • After examining several studies done on eye color and vision, The New York Times concludes that the color of your eyes does not affect how well you can see. • A woman biking in Boulder, Colorado escaped serious injury when she stopped to let a cow cross, and the bovine proceeded to knock her over and step on her legs. • Famous virgin Natalie Dylan has confessed that she has "been with men," but is "still a virgin." Wonder what that means (the poophole loophole?) • New research shows that people who are socially active and have a "mellow demeanor" are less likely to develop dementia. • After promising Sid's mother that he would prove to the world that Sid did not murder Nancy Spungen, writer Alan Parker has created a film that he claims will do just that. • According to a new survey released by a British market research firm, kids only being to appreciate their parents at the age of 22, which frankly, seems a little late. • A Swedish woman is entering into treatment for her coke addiction, and when we say coke, we mean cola. • President Sarkozy's (gorgeous) trainer calls him a "dream pupil," and claims her workout method can help improve the sex lives of her clients. • Nia Dinata, one of Indonesia's best known filmmakers, recently released a documentary titled Cinema, censorship and sex, which realistically depicts the aspects of women's lives (including polygamy) that most people are unwilling to discuss, and many religious groups find offensive. • More information has been released on the 2006 data on U.S. births. Teen pregnancy is on the rise, and Alaska is leading the way with the largest national increase in children born to teen mothers. • Good news for expecting mothers: new research shows that epidurals are safer than previously thought. • Today the BBC has an interview with Duncan Wise, who runs a preschool, about the difficulties of being male in a female-dominated field. Duncan says that his rugby teem mates still mock him: "They look at me and say 'I couldn't do what you are doing. They are quite blunt with me and say: 'It's a girl's job'." •