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Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
Mean Girls Make Nation Cry
In Our Defense, They're Way Cheaper Online. Okay, A Little.
Online Dating: Tips, Tricks, And Mockery
She's Baaaack
Onion Confirms What We Always Suspected About Backyard Camping
Idiotic Product "Turns Eating Into Exercise"
Can A Rape Joke Be Funny (Redux)?
The Girl Detective
The Princess Diaries

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Jack_Burton
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
This story is like a year old... Probably several. I have a feeling they just update it slightly every so often.
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Dictator for Life
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
This is like that show TLC aired last night, "The 650 Pound Virgin: The Weight is Over." The cameras followed around a kid who had lost 400 pounds as he tried to connect with a girl. It was excruciating, and it did in fact involve him staring at girls before deciding to come over and make a stupid comment. Then he actually cashed in his V-Card, and they filmed him telling his male friends about it. I couldn't laugh at the poor guy, but I can laugh at this.
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Blueberry26
11/30/09

@Dictator for Life: Oh that show. Every time people tried to coach him on how to talk to women I just wanted to scream. He can talk to the camera, his doctors, his trainer, anyone else, but not women? Talk to them like you would anyone. Poor guy, acting like women are a foreign species will not help him, it just makes it all so much scarier.
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boxspelunker
11/30/09

@Blueberry26: It's weird, isn't it? I know plenty of guys who are not shy with anyone... but women. Of course, I know women who do the same thing with men, but this article's not about them, and neither was your comment.

It drives me crazy. You can talk to men, therefore you can talk to women. See, the problem is that you're either 1. Derogatory towards women and that's why you can't talk to them, or 2. Trying way too hard to impress them into wanting to sleep with you/be your girlfriend. If you acted like they were normal people to interact with and be friends/coworkers/whatever with, you'd have a much easier time talking to them.

Women = people! It's crazy talk.
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18thfloor
11/30/09

@boxspelunker: I am one of those women who cannot talk to men I'm attracted to. Male friends, coworkers, even strangers I'm not attracted to, I'm fine with. If a cute guy talks to me, I get all flustered and end up being really over the top or too quiet. 'Tis a curse.
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boxspelunker
11/30/09

@18thfloor: That, to me, is understandable. The problem comes when you are attracted to everyone of the opposite (or same) sex, and extrapolate from there, so it becomes the way that you deal with the sex you're attracted to. It's the "I can't talk to women/men!" that I find frustrating, not, "I can't talk to a person I find attractive!"
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
This was awesome. I am still laughing. Also: The ticker at the bottom, detailing plans to include a warning label on the body of Mr. Potato Head after a kid managed to eat one. The label will read "warning: this is not a real potato". Ok now I can't stop laughing.
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
11/30/09

@Aesop's Foibles. YES.: No wonder the Palinites are starting with the children's books. I don't remember being quite that gullible at the "playing with Mr. Potato Head" stage. You know, where I'd assume he was edible?

(On the contrary, the fact the thing had a nose and mouth in addition to eyes, which standard potatoes do have, kind of creeped me out.)

Of course, I was a more cynical child than many, but ...
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prettycool
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
On behalf of the Girls with "Great Personality" Committee, I would like to make a hearty thank you to the Alliance of Hot Smart Guys for reaching out to a large but underrated group.
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morninggloria
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
The Union of Average Dudes With Nothing Really Spectacular About Them held a similar press conference hours later where they outlined their response to the plan, which is to declare all women who will not fuck them stuck up bitches.
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Kitten is an 80s rocker
11/30/09

@morninggloria: They also invited the Attractive Girls Union to come cry on their shoulders the next time the Girls get dumped. However, Dudes did stipulate that they in turn will cop a feel while "comforting".
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jigglyball
11/30/09

@morninggloria: And, in a stunning feat of logistical acrobatics, sluts.
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Pennyfeather
11/30/09

@Kitten is an 80s rocker: Dudes will also take liberty to judge the AGU for being stupid enough to date total douchebags instead of nice guys like Mike.
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thrombus
11/30/09

@morninggloria: Also: whores.
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ardentlilac
11/30/09

@jigglyball: Stuck up slut lezbos, thank youverymuch.
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andBegorrah
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
The Onion is reporting true stories now? What's next - Jon Stewart being one of our only sources for honest political dialog?
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
11/30/09

@andBegorrah: I think we got there sometime around the 04 presidential election. You didn't get your memo?
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CherriSpryte
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
Ahhhhhh that guy looks like my ex. NOT COOL.
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
11/30/09

@CherriSpryte: They always do, though, don't they? It's like there's a NiceGuy® stamp that comes out on their foreheads under blacklight after they've finished dating you, thus making them all look alike.

Now if we could only get that sucker sign to turn itself on before they ask us out ...
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RousseMacabre
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
Excuse me, if you feel the need to tell woman to lower their standards, only fair you lower yours... Which can be taken in a variety of ways.
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femme-bot promoted this comment RousseMacabre was starred RousseMacabre was unstarred

femme-bot
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
In other news, guys with nothing to offer feel entitled to fuck Harvard educated supermodels who cook/clean and are amazing in bed.
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MyNameIsChris
11/30/09

@femme-bot: I'd guess they'd be willing to give up Harvard educated if it comes to that...
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BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
A negotiation goes two ways - if Mr. Greenman would consider a razor, things might be different. But seeing that 67% of dudes with goatees have a 87% chance of being douchey, we can't ignore those odds.
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colormeroutine
11/30/09

@BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit): And don't forget the chaff factor!
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token_illiterate_commenter
11/30/09

@BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit): Those stats backup my observations. What are the current statistics for guys with full beards?

/nervously asks guy with full beard since 1990.
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mbprice
11/30/09

@BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit): What about full beards? I have a beard and have been weighing the pros and cons of shaving it. A lot of people tell me I look good with a beard, but I think it's the kind of thing that people who already know me say. When I'm meeting women for the first time, I'm not sure what my beard is saying about me! 55% chance of living in a cave in the mountains, subsisting on squirrels and shrub roots? 36% chance of being unemployed or a pretentious writer/waiter? 64% chance of being generally filthy and unclean? I feel like the odds stack against men with beards on first glance.
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BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
11/30/09

@BeardedDudes: Hmmmm I, personally, like clean shaven. But I cannot speak for all of my sisters in this matter. Perhaps a committee is in order?
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mbprice
11/30/09

@token_illiterate_commenter: Wow, that's almost eerie.
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Kitten is an 80s rocker
11/30/09

@mbprice: Oh, dude, the scruffy look totally does it for me. If you like it and it looks good on you, keep it! My only advice is to balance it out with dressing a little nicer so you don't give off a dirty hippie vibe. Unless that's what you're going for, in which case, I cordially invite you to rock on.
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mbprice
11/30/09

Chances of the Union of Bearded Jezedudes being mildly insecure about their hirsute faces? Approaching 100%.
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token_illiterate_commenter
11/30/09

@mbprice: I've been thinking of shaving, but my wife is dubious. She's only seen pictures of me clean shaven, and those date back to the late eighties. So I'm going to go with a full beard makes you look handsome, distinguished and like an all around good guy.
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SunburnedCounsel
11/30/09

@mbprice: The SunburnedCounsel Union has negotiated a successful lifelong agreement with a Fully Bearded One. We feel it is a very, very different beast then the goatee, and is spectacular when kept well groomed. If worried, I would consider taking the above advise to dress a little nicer to counterbalance.
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prettycool
11/30/09

@mbprice: @token_illiterate_commenter: I just recently made a friend grow a beard because of how hot he looks with one-different strokes! Besides, tis the season for warm cozy beards. Don't fret about it till springtime.
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mbprice
11/30/09

@Kitten is an 80s rocker: @whatwouldjanedo: @small-fox: @SunburnedCounsel: @prettycool: Good advice, all! Thanks!
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Treeless
11/30/09

@mbprice: Is it neatly trimmed? An ex decided to grow one of those beards whose hairs curled unchecked over his top lip practically into his mouth (and he did not shave his neck or trim the underside, etc). The moustache hairs crawled. up. my. nose. horribly when we kissed. Mind you, I was already on the way out the door at this point.

By contrast, a friend of mine has a beard like General Zod from superman, and while I have not tested whether it is tolerable at close range, he looks very handsome in it.
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merely_a_muse
11/30/09

@token_illiterate_commenter: Full beard is fine as long as its long enough to not interfere with making out, but not too long as to make you look homeless. It's a delicate balance that can most def pay off if done right.
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mbprice
11/30/09

@Treeless: It's pretty neatly trimmed. Most of the time. Occasionally it gets a little wild and frankly I don't mind letting it do its thing for a couple weeks. But if I'm trying to look nice, yeah, I trim it down.
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o-line
11/30/09

@token_illiterate_commenter: I think a neatly trimmed beard says a lot about a guy and can be a nice, distinguished and even handsome look. An unruly mountain man beard is a sign of a man who doesn't wash his sheets or towels and owns more pants with a drawstring rather than belt loops.

/married to a trimmed beard-o, dated a mountain man.
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Edited by o-line at 11/30/09 1:22 PM o-line was starred o-line was unstarred

token_illiterate_commenter
11/30/09

@merely_a_muse: I favor #2 on the beard trimmer. Long enough to be soft and not leave beard burn on the thighs, but short enough not to look like Santa.
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Scout
11/30/09

@mbprice: caves are sexy and squirrels are tasty. ; )

as long as you don't have a nest of birds residing in your beard, methinks
you still have a chance.
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Scout
11/30/09

@mbprice: but, you're a Lumberjack and you're OK!!
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jfwlucy
11/30/09

@token_illiterate_commenter: You have to at LEAST shave your neck and cheeks and keep it trimmed.
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rodmanstreet
11/30/09

@token_illiterate_commenter: @mbprice: I am fully in favor of full beards! I have tried to convince many a boyfriend to grow one, and they've all declined. A Jezedude with a full beard?? I'm in!
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Dictator for Life
11/30/09

@token_illiterate_commenter: If you've had it that long, don't shave it. My dad has had a beard since 1971, except for one week in 1991. My mom cried, and my brother and I (11 and 7 at the time) wouldn't go near him till he grew it back. Also, it turns out he looks like the bastard child of John Denver and Axl Rose underneath all that facial hair. You don't want your loved ones seeing anything like that.
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maude_flanders
11/30/09

@mbprice: I sympathize about the whole beard thing...having to shave your face every day would suck (though I like clean-shaven myself). Try a shaving gel...like BaldGuyz.

If you have a little time you could probably look up reviews for a shaving gel that won't break you out or feel greasy.

After taking my brothers' suffering into consideration, now when I see someone with a beard, I don't necessarily think "dirty", I think...enh, he looks "scruffy" but screw it, I wouldn't want to shave every day either.
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maude_flanders
11/30/09

@maude_flanders: Scratch that....well-kept scruff is attractive to me as a girl, too....

I still would be paranoid that my bosses though less of me, if I work in a buttoned-up office environment. (Not that you should be--the non-paranoid half of me would say, "Screw it, if I don't feel like shaving, I won't.")
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samarkand
11/30/09

@BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit): Mr. Samarkand has a goatee. He shaved it off once and the result was that he looked like he was 12 and his weak chin was incredibly apparent. He grew it right back.
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
11/30/09

@mbprice: I like VanDykes.
(But then, that's one of the reasons I tend to blend in in New York and stick out in DC, I guess.)
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colormeroutine
11/30/09

In reply to Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude
Ha! My roommates and I were actually discussing forming some sort of club the other day, with the mission of raising the bar of standard behavior for men in general, a union might not be the worst idea
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ardentlilac
11/30/09

@colormeroutine: But who would join? Nothing wrong with any man that I've ever dated (or so they say).
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colormeroutine promoted this comment ardentlilac was starred ardentlilac was unstarred

colormeroutine
11/30/09

@ardentlilac: No a club for the women to support each other in just not accepting sub-par behavior from men
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ardentlilac
11/30/09

@colormeroutine: But shouldn't they be forming the club? Seems to me that women are busy enough trying to solve things beyond their scope of responsibility. Though it would be handy for the guys, no doubt.
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suzannelb
10/30/09

In reply to Mean Girls Make Nation Cry
I cringed the whole way through that 30 Rock episode wherein Liz finds out that she was the one bullying the "mean girls" the whole time. TOO CLOSE, TINA.

For years, I thought I was this ostracized fat nerd who was persecuted for her brains and her ambitions; in reality, I was way more like an elitist megabitch who couldn't wait to get out of her "ugh, so pedestrian" hometown, who overreacted to some seriously weak-ass insults and exacted terrifying revenge every. Damn. Time. No wonder no one wanted to be my friend!

I was my high school's version of Rahm Emanuel. Except WAY less cool. #meangirls
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Dictator for Life
10/30/09

In reply to Mean Girls Make Nation Cry
The mean girls weren't nearly as huge an issue for me in high school as they were in my super-small elementary and middle schools. I'm facebook friends with the meanest of them all (curiosity wins every time I look at a friend request and decide whether to hit ignore or accept), and she now has fake boobs, a fake tan, and is about to become the trophy wife to a man whose oldest kid was born when she was in middle school taunting me. She keeps putting up facebook statuses about how she has the best life, and how she's so lucky in love, and all her photos involve her fiancé's boat, or huge beach house, or private box seats to Panthers games. But still: trophy wife with teenage stepchildren. It's about what I expected for her. #meangirls
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
10/30/09

Most Mean Girls have selective memory. I'm thinking it's tattooed somewhere on the Mean Girl chromosome.
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Edited by Rooo sez BISH PLZ at 10/30/09 2:07 PM Rooo sez BISH PLZ was starred

Rooo sez BISH PLZ
10/30/09

@Dictator for Life: I'm feeling like there's a YA novel in there somewhere. #meangirls
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Dictator for Life
10/30/09

@Rooo sez BISH PLZ: Probably written by one of her fiancé's daughters, and called Daddy's Midlife Crisis: The Trophy Wife He Picked Up at the Gym. #meangirls
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Rare Affinity
10/30/09

In reply to Mean Girls Make Nation Cry
I recall in the sixth form taking to task a fellow student who had been particularly mean spirited to me a few years earlier. She laughed it off claiming not to remember her acts of pure spite. Her memory lapse was either very convenient or else indicative of her total inability to have ever empathised with her erstwhile victim.
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Edited by Rare Affinity at 10/30/09 12:04 PM Rare Affinity was starred Rare Affinity was unstarred

7states
10/30/09

In reply to Mean Girls Make Nation Cry
When I think of high school, I think of the quote from Daria: "Why would I want to return to a place where I was flatteringly referred to as the weird kid?"

My experience was not that mean girls terrorized me, but that I was simply not included or invited to anything. I was just not cool enough for unspecified reasons.

I was pretty much a loner in high school (and can be now), and the result is that I haven't really kept in touch with anyone from high school (I'm only 6 years out of hs, most people I know in my age range still talk with at least a couple of people from hs). #meangirls
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maude_flanders
10/30/09

@7states: Ditto.

I made my best friend in high school b/c college (I was a commuter) didn't yield the opportunity to get to know many people, no matter how nice some kids in the smaller classes weree... kinda hurts when you know the group of kids you sidelined during four years of high school doesn't really include you now that you're older. Or rather, it hurts me. #meangirls
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