Granted, most people think I get a pass on this because I have been sexually assaulted. Of course, I spent a good part of the hours after my most recent assault alternating between hysterical crying and compulsive vomiting — and cracking jokes. I got tired really quickly of the quiet whispers and the looks of pity and the hushed voices and the overall funerary air in the room. And then, because the cops and the detective and my friend were all too scared to laugh, I told jokes... jokes that descended deeper into "inappropriate" territory because, if I could mock it, if I could laugh at it — and if I could make them laugh at the absurdity of trying to take a written statement from a drunk, hysterical, projectile-vomiting witness who was singing "Red, Red Wine" under her breath (when she could breathe) — then it wasn't actually The Worst Thing In The World.

You're supposed to laugh at that, although no one does — but if I had been mugged, or had my identity stolen or witnessed a crime, it is funny to picture that Exorcist kid spewing vomit everywhere to a reggae beat while the cops look on in horror and try to protect their paperwork. Why is my vagina some sacred crime scene? But, having told this story to Anna and her husband recently — and having upset Anna's husband, who was too horrified by what happened to me to see that there was humor or absurdity in the situation — I know that it is.

Anyway, the first relatively mainstream rape joke comes, of course, from Sarah Silverman's performance in The Aristocrats.
It's an arc of a performance, that starts with her telling a sweet but sick story of performing in an incestuous sex show and culminates in the heart-stopping, clear-eyed revelation that "Joe Franklin raped me." Except, of course, she's proudly trodding on the landmine of comedy — and, honestly, it's so disturbing, it's funny.


Jessica Valenti's recent piece in The Guardian about female comedians praised Wanda Sykes' now-infamous rape joke from her 2006 comedy special about detachable vaginas.

Valenti says:

Sykes brings a biting comedy to the most controversial topics, throwing new light on issues that are all too easily written off as age-old and intractable: rape, for example.

And she does, but let's break down what she's joking about: she's joking about stranger rape, and she's making light of Kobe Bryant's victim, who was raped after she went up to his hotel room at the ungodly hour of 2 in the morning. In fact, you could argue — and I am — that Wanda Sykes is poking fun of that victim for being, you know, stupid enough to get raped. Is it only funny when Wanda Sykes does it? Many of you would say yes (and, in fact have said that it's never funny to say something like that). Do you still think so?

In fact, Jessica Valenti herself recently wrote, in response to a rape joke shown on The Office "there's never really a funny rape joke, is there?" Well, here's the rape joke she — and many of you, judging by our e-mails — didn't like:
To recap, Kelly claims to have been raped when she is confronted with some office malfeasance — as in, she's only saying it to get out of trouble— and it's not the first time she's apparently done such a thing. Is it laugh-out-loud funny? Nah. But is it poking fun of her character and using that kind of hyperbole to mock people who try to use personal crises ("My grandmother died") to get out of responsibility? Sure. Is it, say, less offensive than implying a rape victim was less than smart to head up to Kobe Bryant's room late at night? Technically, I think both are funny, but I have a sick sense of humor.

Which, of course, brings me to the most horrifying of horrifying rape jokes: The South Park episode about Indiana Jones. Although this only has the last two of the three rape scenes depicted in the show, it gives you enough of a sense of what it was about: Steven Spielberg and George Lucas are no longer metaphorically raping the Indy franchise, they're really doing it.

Offensive? Yes. Boundary-crossing? Certainly. Horrifying in its detail? Yes. Funny? Arguably so.

Which then, of course, brings it back to the question: when is it funny? And I think the answer is, for a lot of people, when you like or respect the person telling the joke. Which is fine, and it's how most jokes work, but you can't then argue that they're never funny, or they can't ever be funny. Lots of humor comes from the juxtaposition of our civilized collective state of being and the ways in which we betray the lie of that constantly — fart jokes, for instance, are funniest when you really, really should be proper. If we take sexual assault off the table of things we can laugh about or joke about, it's just another way of saying: this is a different crime than any other crime, and so we can and must treat its victims differently than any other crime.

And, you know, fuck that. I got treated differently than any other crime victim once because of the kind of crime that I was the victim of. If I had been mugged, would the cops have been calling my friends and asking them how much I'd been drinking that night? If I had been only robbed, would it have mattered to the cops whether I'd told the guys I was out with that night that I was dating someone? If I had been shot walking out of the bar, would it have been anyone's business if my friend thought that I was flirting or not? And if any of those crimes had been committed instead, would everyone be so horribly offended by me making jokes about it? It's all part of the way in which society wants to treat me differently because of how I was victimized. Let's treat sexual assaults like any other crime and tell some rape jokes. Cool?

Here's mine:

When my victim's advocate called me up the week after I was assaulted, she went over the rape kit results and what I could expect from the process, and asked me if I had any questions. I asked her if they could tell me the name of the man who had been arrested for assaulting me, and I heard her shuffle through papers. His name, she said, was "Hey-zeus" after which I started laughing.

An agnostic, I was raped by Jesus.

Sense And Humour [The Guardian]
The Office's Rape Joke [Feministing]

Related: Rape Case Against Bryant Dismissed [MSNBC]

Earlier: My Sexual Assault Is Not Your Political Issue

[Los Angeles, October 30. Image via Flynet]

[New York, July 23. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

Though there is some truth to what Garr says, she did manage to work with the best directors in film history: Coppola, Scorsese, Sydney Pollack among them, and she got props from Tina Fey, who said earlier this year, "There was a time when Teri Garr was in everything. She was adorable, but also completely real — her body was real, her teeth were real, you felt like she'd be your friend.''

Though there is a notable lack of "Teri Garr" types in today's cinema, there are still some actresses who fit the bill: funny, smart, real women with whom you'd totally want to drink margs and make filthy jokes. Here are five of them!

Judy Greer: our girl Judy has the same quirky look and comedic chops as Garr, and her star has been on the rise for several years now. She's played second banana to the best of them including Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30 and Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses, but she holds a permanent place in my heart for her role as wonky boob-job recipient Kitty in Arrested Development.

Lauren Ambrose: I have loved Lauren Ambrose since she played the disgruntled teen who gets it on with Seth Green in Can't Hardly Wait. Of course she was the awesome in Six Feet Under, and we'll try to look past the Jezebel James incident.

Emma Stone: Emma Stone is more of a proto-Garr. She's only 20 and though she stars in the upcoming House Bunny which looks like an insult to womanity, Stone was so effortlessly cool and fun as Jonah Hill's love interest in Superbad that she gets to be included on this list. Don't let us down, little missy!

Kat Dennings: She played Catherine Keener's daughter in the 40 Year Old Virginand she's going to co-star in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist with Michael Cera. From reading the synopsis, Nick and Norah might be the best comedy of 2008 (you heard it here first people!). In addition, Kat has an amazing blog that you must start reading forthwith and a fucking sweet YouTube channel.

Mindy Kaling: Another 40 Year Old Virgin alum with a blog that I love, Mindy is a triple threat: Writer, Actress, Bff-material. Her character on The Office, Kelly Kapoor, is a parody of all those lady-mag loving bitches we love to gently mock, and even so we still want to go shopping with her fictional self and gab about Justin Timberlake.

Random Roles: Teri Garr [AV Club]
Kat Dennings [Official Website]
Things I Bought That I Love [Mindy Kaling Blog]

Earlier: Tina Fey: Comedienne, Cover Girl, And Great Role Model For Women

• Gavin Rossdale says he and Gwen Stefani are not going paint the unborn baby's room pink or blue: They're going to paint it black. Goth bébé, aww. [E!]
• John Mayer looooves to fuck with us. That's why he let himself be photographed carrying a "prescription bag" with a note that read "Experimental Human Growth Hormones, 2x daily." Haha, yeah, we know, The Hulk comes out today. Calm down. [E!]
• Even if you could not care less about John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston, they do "look good together," and I hate when people say that. But it's true. Look at them. [ET]
• Is everything OK between Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan? Instead of really DJing a party she was hired to spin, Sam was "uneasy and jittery," a spy says. "All she did was pop in CDs and spent much of the night outside on the phone, texting and chain-smoking." [Rush & Molloy]
• Marcia Cross was in a minor car accident yesterday, but "everyone is fine." [ET]
• Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson? Back together? Head. Exploding. [E!]
• Supermodel Adriana Lima is engaged! The lucky dude is basketball player Marko Jaric; they've been dating for nine months. Freakishly tall and attractive kids to come? [People]

• Rumor! Rashida Jones! Office spinoff! Rumor! [E!]
• Jon Voight as a villain on 24? That's good casting. [Just Jared]
• Colombia's foreign minister is upset by the lyrics in Carla Bruni's song, the one that goes: "You are my drug / More deadly than Afghan heroin / More dangerous than white Colombian." Uh, well, as this paper notes: "Colombia produces more than 80% of the world's cocaine." Ha! [Daily Express]
• The eight-man, four-woman jury rewatched the sex tape before beginning deliberations in the R. Kelly child porn trial yesterday. What do we think? Will they find him guilty? [E!]
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon may cancel their lavish $2 million wedding because no one wants to pay for pictures of the event? Tragic! For them. We consider ourselves lucky. [ONTD, via PopCrunch]
• Heidi Montag: Seen wearing a T-shirt that reads, "I want more privacy." Hahaha, fuck you. [ONTD]
• OMG they're making a new Witch Mountain movie? Mine my childhood some more, why don't you. [ET]
• It's tough to explain why I love these pictures of Naomi Campbell drunkenly passing out on the street. [The Sun]
• Naomi Campbell as a bridesmaid? Boggles the mind. [Page Six]
• A battle of the biceps involving Mario Lopez and his A Chorus Line co-star? The end result being that the co-star got a 2(x)ist underwear ad? It's too early for this. [Page Six]
• Someone swiped a $15,000 suitcase full of "bling" from a Russell Simmons Jewelry employee. Isn't Russ into like, yoga and meditation, not huge rocks? [Page Six]
• Director Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth) will never do rom coms. "Sleepless in Seattle can go fuck itself," he says. "Monsters are the most beautiful creatures in the universe. I have no interest in everyday life, except through a twisted mirror." [Page Six]
• Little Coco Arquette: Seen wearing long blond wig and "vamping it up" at a Hollywood hot spot. Apparently she "kept asking her dad to braid her 'hair,' and every time she came through the dining room, she had a new hairstyle." She turns 4 today, but that kid gets Hollywood. [Page Six]
• Is Elizabeth Hurley inspiration for a bitchy character in Ann Leary's new book? Ann is Denis Leary's wife, and Outtakes From A Marriage features a movie star who has a perfect bod and "only dates billionaires." [Rush & Molloy]
• Madonna's brother says that her husband, Guy Ritchie, is uncomfortable around "queens." A source confirms: "Guy is a homophobe. At their wedding, Chris made a joke about Guy being gay. That set the tone for their relationship." Seriously? Would Madge put up with that? [Rush & Molloy]
• Some dude is trying to sue Jay-Z for $88 million because Jay allegedly "stole" the technique of "whisper rapping" from him. 99 problems and a troll ain't one. [People]
• Taylor Hicks is a Jonas Brothers fan. [People]
• Nancy O'Dell's mom died. [People]
• Jennifer Lopez met with Barack Obama's staff. WTF. I may weep. [People]
• Zac Efron stinks. Literally. [Star]

British tabloids reported that one of I'd Do Anything's judges, producer Cameron Mackintosh, thought Jodie was,"a bit too big and has more or less said so." These people are ostensibly getting fame for their singing ability (Prenger) and their comedic strength (Gervais). Is anyone allowed to have their image televised these days without it getting ripped to shreds?

Fat, Fame And Rick Gervais [BFDBlog]
Noises Off: Oliver, Nancy And Some Weighty Issues [Guardian]

Researchers at SUNY New Paltz have developed a survey to help identify the full range of behaviors that can constitute bullying. Notes Parker-Pope: "Some of the behaviors — glaring, failing to return calls, not praising a worker — may seem trivial, but they take a toll when repeated over and over again." And in some ways, can a cubicle bully be worse than a childhood bully? You're an adult! You shouldn't have to put up with this! But you need the job. I wouldn't say I'd ever been bullied, although I did once work with a loud, gruff superior who often left people in tears. But that was before I checked the list supplied by the New York Times and SUNY New Paltz. Thinking of past jobs, I realized some of the "behaviors" were quite familiar! Have you regularly:

• Been glared at in a hostile manner? Yes, and sometimes I glared first.
• Been excluded from work-related social gatherings? Yes, thank God.
• Not been given the praise for which you felt entitled? Obviously.
• Had your contributions ignored by others? Yes, although sometimes instead of "ignoring" it was more like "laughing."
• Been lied to? Of course! This is America!

The Bully Next Door [BusinessWeek]
When the Bully Sits in the Next Cubicle, Have You Been Bullied at Work? [NY Times]

Earlier: What Separates The Bullies From The Bullied?

Volunteering at a homeless shelter for the "power" it conferred upon her? That was pretty much Angela in a nutshell. There were other things: Bragging that she regularly manipulated emails (forwarding emails from other people after she had changed the content of the messages); lying to management about my making personal phone calls during work hours; berating a Subway employee for giving her less than "perfect" tomatoes. In an already-unfulfilling job, Angela was the proverbial straw: I could put up with the other bullshit, but the idea of seeing her weasel face for one more day made me want to die, so I quit even though I didn't have another gig lined up.

Apparently I'm not the only one who suffered from workplace "collenemies" as Time blogger Lisa Takeuchi Cullen termed them. Cullen relates the story of a colleague who ratted her out about freelance work, and quotes a study that says coworker strife can lead to "a wide variety of workplace problems, ranging from lost productivity and higher turnover to increased and open hostility." And in yesterday's New York Times "Thursday Styles" section, Lisa Belkin discussed strategies for dealing with malignant coworkers, as outlined in a book called Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons Or Duct Tape . Author Marsha Petrie Sue divides workplace evildoers into three categories: "Steamroller (a bully who is not necessarily right but is determined), the Whine and Cheeser (who finds the dark side to everything, as in: "Cheez, I got a raise. I'll have to pay more taxes"), and the Backstabber (enough said)." Belkin describes a woman whose nasty female coworker dumps her lunch detritus into the first woman's garbage can just to piss her off; Sue suggests that the victim of the lunchtime sneak attacks should pick up the garbage "and carry it into her tormentor's cubicle when others are watching."

As for my revenge on Angela, I never got any, and it continues to bother me that I never got any sort of closure on the situation. In fact, I still fantasize about running into her at a bar, downing some liquid courage, and telling her where she can stick her goddamn slippers. Thank god for the virtual Jezebel office and my lovely coworkers, whom I would never, ever want to cornhole with indoor footwear.

It's Not the Job I Despise, It's You [New York Times]
Never Mind Office Romance. Fear The Collenemy [Time]

[West Hollywood, January 22. Image via Flynet]

• Lindsay Lohan went to jail for her DUIs yesterday, serving about 84 minutes of hard time. (Two more minutes than Nicole Richie!) Now we can call her an ex-con. [TMZ]
  
• Amy Winehouse's tour manager quit! Thom Stone said working for Winehouse was hazardous to his health: He claims doctors found heroin in his system and he must have "inhaled it passively" on Amy's tour bus. Uh, is that even possible? [Daily Mail]
  
• Right before she bombed on stage on Wednesday, Amy Winehouse locked herself in the bathroom and sobbed uncontrollably, saying she couldn't go on without her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, there. [Mirror]
  
• Also, did Amy pull something out of her beehive and snort it??? [The Sun]

• Angelina Jolie's adoption of an Ethiopian baby was legal, the agency involved confirms. "The grandmother brought three witnesses to court who testified that Zahara's mother had died and that her father was unknown," the head of the agency says. He also claims reporters paid relatives to raise the dispute: "The controversy is media hype by unethical journalists exploiting the poverty of the grandmother." Who would do such a thing? CoughInTouchCough. [Reuters]
• More Heather Mills vs. Stella McCartney crap: Heather's crazytown L.A.-based publicist says Stella would only give Heather 10% at her boutique in London. That's cold! [Page Six]
• Mr. Big got someone knocked up! Sex And The City star Chris Noth is gonna be a baby daddy: His girlfriend Tara Wilson is about 5 months pregnant. [Page Six]
• Lance Armstrong has a statement to make! "Ashley Olsen and I are strictly friends. We have hung out amongst other friends, and she strikes me as a nice, smart lady." Sheryl Crow has a statement, too! "Lance and I are friends. What he does in his personal life... is none of my business. Nor would I ever comment on it." Hmm, friends who are not in each other's personal lives? Does this mean she never said he was "pathetic," as Life & Style claimed? [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson spent her time as cohost on The View plugging her clothing line instead of discussing current events. Stick to what you know, honey! [Page Six]
• Kim Kardashian says she posed nude for Playboy because "I'm not one of those stick-skinny girls you see. I felt like girls today need to see a normal body." Uh, Playboy is for girls? Good to know! [Rush & Molloy, 4th from bottom]
• John Mayer: "I'm kind of a douchebag." Wow. To thine own self be true! [TMZ]
• American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee, 23, is engaged to Nick Cokas, 42. Kat says the 19-year age difference was "never really a concern" because NiIck "makes things fun" and "we love business." Haha! [People]
• Paris Hilton is planning Nicole Richie's baby shower, but doesn't know what games to play or what gift to get. "She doesn't know if she's having a boy or a girl," says Paris. "I thought for sure she'd want to know, but she decided to wait." The party — with tunes by Sam Ronson — is happening Sunday at the Beverly Hills Hotel, in case you want to drop by. [E!]
• Oh, and friends of Samantha Ronson are insisting that she is a good influence on Lindsay Lohan. "Sam has stopped Lindsay from destructive behavior in the past," says a source. Sam herself says, "Those who know me know the truth." [Page Six]
• The Spice Girls performed at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in "1950s-style military outfits" for one number and evening gowns for another. Reunited and it feels so good! [E!]
• Actors from The Office and 30 Rock have been suspended on half-pay for five weeks. Some other networks are putting casts on unpaid hiatus. [Reuters]
• We posted about Lost stars Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan breaking up: Now the Hobbit has been seen smooching another woman. [Miami Herald]
• Alicia Keys would like everyone to know she is not a lesbian. "I'm as straight as they come," she says. Now that that's cleared up, we can start our day. [The Sun]

• Judging by her shopping choices, Christina Aguilera is having a boy. Unless she's trying to trick us! In which case she's having a girl. [The Sun]
  
• Britney's former assistant says the pop star had a shrine to Kevin Federline in her house — her wedding dress and all of his old clothes. Um, won't someone please help? [The Sun]
  
• Also, Britney has been ordered to pay Kevin Federline's $120,000 legal bill from the custody battle, since "the vast majority of the litigation deals with [Britney's] conduct." Ouch! [People]
  
• Oh, and Britney's album was denied the #1 spot on the Billboard charts after an unexpected last-minute rule change. The #1 CD is The Eagles' Long Road Out Of Eden. We're beginning to think Britney has karmic debt. [MTV]

• Lynne Spears blames herself for Britney's trainwreck: "I didn't raise my children to have Hollywood careers. This all just exploded in my face, and big dreams became big headaches." [Rush & Molloy, 4th from bottom]
• A respected Detroit reverend says that Star Jones is the victim in the kerfluffle with a local charity's "empowering" event. Rev. Horace Sherffield says his own nonprofit organization was also duped by the shady group, Full & Fabulous. They offered to pay Star Jones $25,000 to come and speak — but never sent the $10,000 deposit as required in the contract. [Page Six]
• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are planning to create two identical bedrooms for daughter Matilda, so that whether she wakes up at mommy's or daddy's house it'll look familiar. Uh, sounds disorienting. [Page Six]
• Is Mandy Moore dating Matthew Perry? Cuz that's kinda weird. [Page Six]
• Did Lost's Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan break up? It was kinda weird that they were together. [Page Six]
• Oooh! George Clooney was dining at an L.A. restaurant and "romance model" Fabio was at the next table. Fabio's friends started snapping pictures of each other, and Clooney got pissed. They argued! They shoved each other! Waiters had to break it up! Fabio's manager says, "George is lucky he didn't end up in the ER." Ba bum bum! [Page Six]
• The Office stars John Krasinski and Rashida Jones were seen "canoodling" at the SNL after-party last week. They dated in 2005 — maybe there's a rekindling? [Rush & Molloy, 2nd item]
• Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch is in foreclosure! Jackson is delinquent $23,212,963 on a $23,000,000 loan. [TMZ]
• David Copperfield claims he is the victim of a smear campaign and an extortion attempt by a former employee. Does this mean we can't make "grabracadabra" jokes anymore? [TMZ]
• Victor Garber, who played Jennifer Garner's character's father on Alias, says little Violet Affleck is an "extraordinary kid" who is not even two, yet "her vocabulary is daunting." Awww. [People]
• Donny & Marie Osmond's father, George, died Tuesday. Entertainment Tonight was on the plane with them as they flew to Utah to grieve. Classy! [ET]
• Welsh actor Rhys Ifans has asked Sienna Miller to marry him. In song. In Welsh! Her response? "She fell about laughing," says a source. [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse has finally been granted a U.S. work visa! She was supposed to be on Saturday Night Live but now there's a writers strike, of course. [Mirror]
• Pete Doherty has apologized for injecting heroin on video last week. "It was a stupid, stupid action for which iI feel only shame," he says. [The Sun]

[Things I've Bought that I Love]