OK, just two more things really. LOL on the nips:

And LOL on the acne:

You know, I can't help myself — I always want to talk about this woman.

It's like I have Stockholm Syndrome, except that nobody is forcing me to watch her five hours a week (six during Top Model cycles, and like 10 times that if there's a Top Model marathon on VH1).

Back when Barack Obama, the first of the presidential hopefuls to sit on TyTy's couch, was on her show, I joked that she would probably eat ribs with him, or at least talk about them. She didn't. She did, however, eat Wendy's with John Edwards. Well, actually, he didn't want any, so she ate it alone.

And then she played a game with him: Presidental, in which she showed Edwards pictures of teeth and he had to guess to which president they belonged.

Those were Jimmy Carter's up there. Can you guess these?

JFK's. How about these?

George W. Bush. John Edwards actually said "ew" when he saw those pop up on the screen before he even knew who they belonged to. They are really nasty, though. They look like when Pee Wee gives Francis that trick gum, and his mouth fills up with ink, in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Wanna see something else gross?

That woman had a botched tummy tuck. The scar is unattracrive and all, but the worst part about the whole thing is that the doctor lifted her skin so high, that he pulled her pubic mound up past her pants, so she has to shave that entire area every day, or else she gets pubes growing out of her belly button.

Lastly, I know I make fun of the woman and I kinda loathe a lot about her, but I did genuinely love this:

She did a show on fitness and refused to do the routines or exercises with people! If I had a show, and that was on the schedule, I'd be the same damn way. It's especially awesome because she actually wore pants that accentuated her lil' belly, and looked at the abs instructor like, "Screw you, where's my Wendy's?"

You know what strikes me as hilarious? That the media who reported on Tyra's interviews with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton kept referring to it as "historic." Well, that's not exactly what's so funny to me. The funny part is that by "historic," surely they mean that presidential candidates are using different tactics to reach out to certain demographics, and that by going on the Tyra show, they are actually showing that they give a shit about getting the vote of women 18 - 34 years old. But the thing is, I have this sneaking suspicion that Tyrant thinks it's "historic" because a model is being taken seriously. Kinda like how Diane Sawyer went from beauty queen to TV journalist. I mean, that's what I'd like to believe that Tyra is thinking. I mean, perhaps if I had a crystal ball...

But I'm no mind reader. And even if I were, I seriously doubt my ESP would be strong enough to cut through that weave. Speaking of weaves! Let's get to it.

That's a straight up wig, right? And she has some baby hairs covering up that lace front. But I think this is one of those "medical wigs" that she tried to give to Bianca after they effed up her makeover and had to shave her head. It even has a fake part and fake roots.

Tyra—predictably!—asked Hillary about body image and past hair 'dos. To be fair, though, the hair thing is kinda interesting.

And for the "Never Been Asked" segment—in which Tyra asks guests questions that they've probably actually been asked before, or questions that are so retarded that other people would be too embarrassed to ask them—Tyra asked Hillary if she knows how to text message, and whether she would rather be a contestant on American Idol, Dancing with the Stars or ANTM. (Yes, she knows how to text, and she'd rather be on DWTS.)

You know, the whole high brow/low brow thing—I get it. I mean, I can't fault Tyra for asking a question about reality television, since it's pretty much my life, and since I'm a girl who rarely ventures beyond the borders of the lower, left-hand corner of New York's approval matrix. And trust me, I'm happy there and feel no shame about it. To me, there's no such thing as a guilty pleasure.

But it's like, when you have this opportunity to make a difference in a rather large way, like delivering an audience to a political candidate, isn't there some sort of responsibility to ask at least one tough question? Or to find out plans or policies or views or something? And that's ultimately what really bothers me about this interview (besides the fact that it was boooooooring). For instance, I know for a fact that Tyra's audience was really interested in the whole abortion issue, a topic that she's way too chickenshit to ever tackle properly. But take a look at all the pro-life crap on her message boards regarding the Hillary interview.

Whatever. I'll leave you with this picture of Barabara Walters' dog Cha Cha. Happy Blue Monday!

Earlier: "Live" From New York: It's Hillary Clinton On Tyra
Tyra Interviews Barack Obama, Invites Herself To Spend The Night At The White House

Look, Saleisha got her first post ANTM gig, courtesy of The View:

JK, but Joanie, the runner up of Cycle 6 really did find work as a wig model, after ANTM.

This year, Barbara didn't stray from her normal 'do; that's very Ken circa Barbie and the Rockers.

And given that the other ladies on the panel are just as static with their styles, it's kinda awesome that we get to see Sherri's parade of wigs each week. In the spirit of the holidays, and the giving season, I'd like to give this to all of you. Happy Holidays!

Sherri Shepherd is an asshole — an idiot asshole. I'm just gonna put it out there. I watch her everyday and my eyes are just about as bulgy as hers, listening to the shit she says. She may be a nice person but yeah, ultimately she's an idiot asshole, and here's why: When someone makes bold statements, judgments, or decrees without bothering to get the facts of the matter straight and actually refuses to read up on it because they merely heard from someone else that it might conflict with his or her beliefs, that person is an idiot. And someone holds on to such uneducated statements, judgments, or decrees and defends them to the death with no regard for others' opinions, that person is an asshole.

Exhibit A: Sherri Shepherd Believes That Nothing Predates Christianity Last week, the girls were talking about the Greek philosopher Epicurus — who lived about 300 years before Jesus was born — and his thoughts on what makes a person happy.

It's very interesting that family wasn't in there, that spirituality wasn't in there...What about believing in something bigger than you? They still had Jesus back then. They still had God. They had Christians because they threw them to the lions. I don't think anything predated Christians.

Dude, she doesn't even pay attention to her own religion that she's always going on and on about. If nothing came before Jesus, then how do you explain the Old Testament? Remember the Old Testament, Sherri? That's the book that explains that evolution is wrong.

Exhibit B: Sherri Shepherd Will Not Allow Her Son To Wear A Skirt, Even Just For Play; Will Also Not Allow Him To Be Transsexual While Living Under Her Roof

If I found out a teacher let my son put a dress on, I would be mad as all get out. When you get [sic] 18 and you wanna wear a dress, and you're not in my house, put a dress on. If you wanna be transgendered when you get out the house...I'm his mother, he will not be wearing a dress. Girls wear dresses. We don't live in Scotland. There will be certain behavior that will not be going on in my house.

Exhibit C: Sherri Shepherd Temporarily Believed The World Was Flat

Is the world flat? I don't know. I never thought about it. You know what I've thought about? How I'm gonna feed my child. How I'm gonna take care of my family. Wondering if the world was flat has never been an important thing to me. If my sons asks me if the world is flat, I guess I would go and look it up.

So, the story that Tyra told Alicia Keys about "one of the most embarrassing moments" of her life from when they met at Oprah's Legends Ball sounded awfully familiar. Then I remembered that when she interviewed Obama, she told him that the most embarrassing moment of her life was when she and Kimora Lee Simmons met him at Oprah's Legends Ball, and Kimora talked all "ghetto" in his face.

I just imagine the two of them running around Oprah's Montecito compound all weekend, getting in people's faces and forcing them to suffer secondhand embarrassment. And I'm sure it took no effort either. Look what they wore to the actual ball.

Seriously, Tyra looks like her makeup artist Sutan, the guy who dresses up like her on Top Model.

Also, I didn't realize Kimora rocked the vagina arms as hard as TyTy.

These are for real, no bullshit topics that Tyra is cooking up for this season, and she's looking for people to appear on the show with these issues. First up, something that I'm sure is very close to TyTy's heart:

IS MY BEHAVIOR NORMAL?
"Do you do unusual things or have unusual behavior that the people in your life just don't understand? Do they want you to stop whatever it is that you're doing? Does someone in your life have unusual behavior and you can't make any sense of it? Do you or someone you know do very funny, unusual things that don't make any sense to you? Are you obsessed with something and it's taking over your life? Is this obsession ruining your relationships? Is your wife obsessed with celebrities and being one and you can't take it anymore? Is someone in your life obsessed with wearing a certain color everyday and you want them to get help? Does someone in your life call you more than 10 times a day, everyday and they don't have much to say? Does someone close to you hold on to everything, and refuse get rid of anything at all? Do you or someone you know constantly burst out into song, at any given moment in the day, for no reason and you want it to stop? Do you think your dog is more human than canine and you treat it like it's a person? Are you a food weirdo and have a hard time eating specific foods? Does someone in your life constantly lie about everything and you can't take it anymore? Is your husband obsessed with collecting toys and you want him to stop?"

It should also add:
"Do you roll around on the floor in front of celebrities while wearing a 45 lb wig that ultimately makes you weigh 206 lbs?"

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TYRA TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO?
"Do you have a shopping, dining or travel question that you'd like to ask Tyra? Do you want Tyra to teach you her tricks on how to make your eyes look bigger, your butt look more shapely, on how to decorate your house, throw a cocktail party on a budget and so much more? Do you have a relationship question for Tyra like how to break up with a boyfriend or do you wait for him to say 'I love you' first?"

Yes, yes, 1000 times yes! I want Tyra to teach me lots of things. Where the hell do I even begin? I'm signing up for this today.

DOES YOUR WORKSPACE OR OFFICE NEED A "TAILORED BY TYRA" MAKEOVER?
Yes, actually, desperately it does. I bought some Ikea furniture and tried to set up a little office for myself, but I never work there, because it's too far away from the TV. I think I've only sat in this chair once.

This is where I really work. On a couch surrounded by clutter and PopTart wrappers.

Dear Tyra,
Please give my workstation a makeover. (And a weave.)

xoxo,
Tracie

P.S. Sorry I make fun of you all the time.

So the awesomest thing happened. When Tyra was dancing around like a lunatic in front of Chris Brown, the jumpsuit that she was wearing split up the ass. She said the split was this big:

So instead of changing or whatever, she decided to just tie a sweater around her waist, like she got her period and it leaked all over or something.

Periods + Tyra = a dry weave joke somewhere.

And this doesn't really have much to do with anything, but when I saved my video file before recording her date rape episode, I named it "the rapist," but you know, for file purposes, there were no spaces, so it looked like "therapist." I felt they were both oddly fitting.

So Tyra sent the lucky participants of her makeover episode a cake to tell them the good news.

It's like, "I'm gonna tell you how to dress. Eat me." And we all know the drill at this point. Everyone gets a weave. So I'm just gonna give everyone else Tyra's weave. Just 'cause.

The View did a pre-taped Halloween episode on which they transformed the studio into the Cotton Club, and the panelists as well as the audience dressed all '20s. By the way she walked and the look on her face, didn't B. Dubs look more like a zombie than a showgirl?

Oh, and you know who else looked scary, albeit unintentionally? Ethan Hawke. The man is not aging well at all. And seriously, that stage has glowing, sophisticated lighting meant to flatter a 78-year-old woman, and he still look haggard...at 36!

That has to be from smoking so heavily, right? He said that he's obsessed with his obituary because it's a "good way to make your decisions." I think he should be obsessed with it because it'll probs be published somewhere sooner than he thinks, by the looks of things, and when I say "things" I mean those crow's feet marching across his entire damn face.

Hmm...What else was scary last week? Oh yeah, duh. Her:

Yes, you, Tyra!

So there was that big, two-episode "Tyra's Bodyville" mess that was supposed to be an experiment on body image, but really was a lesson in how important social hierarchy among a group of women is when producing inane segments for a former-super model's vanity project.

The intention of the show was that people tend to judge a book by its cover...or the way it fills out a nude suit. In the second hour of the show, Tyra gave the women a bunch of job titles, and they were to assign them to each other, based on body image, although the girls didn't really follow those directions.

Check out the career options Tyra gave them:
Phone sex operator
Waitress
Maid
Flight Attendant
Janitor
Stripper
Bus Driver
Fast Food Worker
Actress
And then C.E.O is thrown in there to balance it all out.

I'm so glad she spent two hours last week on how horrible it is to stereotype women, only to...stereotype women.

There's nobody crazier than Tyra Banks. She kinda looks like a vampire here, right? Fangs 'n' Bangs.

Except for the two old ladies with dementia that she had on her show. Julia, the one on the left, kept talking about her children, but the number of children that she had kept changing throughout the interview. Seriously, I don't think I've loved a daytime TV interview more than this one.

And speaking of crazy, did anyone else notice in that clip of Heidi Klum talking into her camera that they are playing Seal's "Crazy" in the background? Sometimes you have to really give it up for the subtle genius of television editors.

OK, so when did Lance Bass stop having gay eyes and start having crazy eyes? Those are some for real Miss Cleo googly shit. He kept making that face throughout his interview.

And is it crazy for me to hope that Elisabeth Hasslebeck's labor is extra painful?

Lastly, just for shits and giggles:

You know what makes me gay (as in "happy")? Elisabeth Hasselbeck is taking an early maternity leave starting on Tuesday the 23rd! And she's not coming back until after hiatus. You know, it's not that I mind that she's a Republican, it's just that she's unwaveringly so. When she talks about banning abortion or public policy or welfare, it's clear that she's unable to step outside of herself and imagine what life could be like for people who weren't raised in the same circumstances as she. Who knows? Maybe I'll miss cursing at my TV. But right now, I'm looking forward to the guest co-hosts that will be filling her spot. May I make the first suggestion?

So in case we forget how sucky she is after she leaves, here it is:

Top 5 Favorite Detestable Quotes From Elisabeth Hasselbeck

1. "I think the only thing that helps me is that I really enjoy people. I love them."

2. "People get abortions for superficial reasons."

3. "Mitt Romney looks like he could be on a penny."

4. "Being a conservative mother isn't the challenge. Being a conservative in New York City on television is the challenge."

5. "You know when we were in Australia for Survivor, we had, I was supposed to fill out my absentee ballot. For the election. That was the controversial Gore/Bush, the whole Florida fiasco. Um, and I . . . I didn't. I was, like, too busy. And I think it was Nick Brown who was out there with me, said, you know, 'You didn't fill out your absentee ballot? Like, how do you not fill out your absentee ballot?' And then I realized what I had missed out on. So I really started a, an investigation, like why I was such an idiot as to not fill that out and partake in something that, you know, the women in Iraq just got a chance to do for the first time. You know, why? Why wouldn't I take advantage of a right that's granted to me? That wasn't always there? And I kind of recommitted to, um, reading as much as I could and learning as much as I could about, um, politics."

So Tyra's geek episode last Friday was supposed to be geek-positive, but of course, she gave the geeks makeovers.

She tried on one of the geek's glasses. This screen grab sorta makes me want to be friends with her.

Oh, who am I kidding? All the screen grabs make me want to be friends with her!

Except this one. Her weave tracks on the bottom don't match the ones on the top. Looks like someone else is in need of a makeover.

So this is the geek quiz, which Tyra filled out. See how you measure up:

Take the computer-version of the test here.

So Elisabeth said that people get abortions for "superficial reasons." I'm not even sure what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but it still pisses me off. All four of the other panel members were just as incensed.

Even Elisabeth's partner in creationism, Sherri Shepherd, couldn't get on board with what she was saying.

You have to really do shock Babs to get her face to move this much.

But Whoopi's reactions were by far my fave.

First off, I was really pissed off watching Tuesday's episode of Tyra because it was the fall fashion episode and she gave everyone in the studio audience all kinds of free shit like hats, bags, leather gloves, jewelry, and gift certificates. When Moe, Jennifer and I went yesterday, we had to literally beg for our free mini bags of potato chips (because they skipped our row). Oh, and we got this piece of shit bracelet and beads on our way out.

It's supposed to have something to do with making a commitment to remember HPV or some bullshit. Moe and I got drunk at dinner after and I ended up braiding her hair and putting the beads in it, while singing Stevie Wonder songs, a memory that had actually been erased until this morning when she IM'd me to be like, "I woke up with beads in my hair."

Then Wednesday's show was all about etiquette. I totally related to the people with bad manners, particularly this dude, as I can be seen doing this often:

Well, as often as I can. I'm not particularly regular. You know, I have IBS and when I have to go, I have to go. I'm in there for a while, and I'm on the clock, so I figure I may as well just work. I have no good books at the moment anyway.

Oh, and remember earlier this week when we examined Sherri Shepherd's wigs? Things didn't get any better on Thursday:

With Sherri and Whoopi on The View all week now, I'm really missing face time with this one:

I think the Whoopster is a doing a swell job and all, but she's too even-keeled and sensible. And she doesn't have that same quality as B.Dubs, where everything that comes out of her mouth is magical. For example, the word "sperm" suddenly is "spuhhm." And don't even get me started on how she pronounces mermaids.

Speaking of faces, this is what Sean Penn's looks like now:

He was on Oprah discussing a new movie he directed called Into the Wild, the true story of that hippie retard who decides to live in an Alaskan forest with no map or food, and duh, dies of starvation. The hippie retard is played by Emile Hirsch, whom I've been crushing since Lords of Dogtown, but who wasn't looking particularly appealing for this appearance. Also, he was talking about getting spa treatments. What do you guys thing: Gay or Nay?

Ooh, also Jenny McCarthy was on Oprah this week discussing her son's autism. She's really engaging. And while we're on the topic of engaging, I know it's been rumored, but is she engaged to Jim Carrey? That ring is on her left hand:

OK, now back to faces. I'm so happy to look at Tyra's everyday. What I'm not happy about is her vagina arms.

Something tells me that TyTy's armpit vaginas are not an accurate reflection of her operating vagina. So you know what that means: Makeover! And you know what a makeover means: Hair weaves!

I have to say that I'm loving the new weave. Bangs are great for her five head.

I know I already posted a clip of the first episode of the season, but really this needs to be explored a little bit more. If you saw it, then you know that the first thing she did when she got to NYC was share a hot dog with a hot dog vendor. Then she went to get pizza with this guy.

And then he had her make pizza, which she fucked up, so she decided to model the dough.

How much you wanna bet she really wishes accessories were edible? So she also managed to get Derek Jeter (aka the reason for diseasin') and Mayor Bloomberg to make a guest appearance on the show. Dodai and I have been going back and forth on whether or not TyTy has had her nose done. I insisted that she just contours the shit out of her whole face. I think this shot backs me up, because in natural light, the makeup doesn't help out so much.

I seriously think this season will rule my world. Tyra thinks so, too.