Jezebel: The Lady Bunch

William Shatner Keeps O Magazine In The Shitter

Slut Machine — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:00:00 EST

Last week, Joy Behar said that they don't want men as panelists on The View, because people don't care what men have to say when they tune in to watch that show. And that's so true. But what's great about women's daytime talk shows is that when men actually do go on, they behave so much differently than they do on other shows, and we learn something new about them that we wouldn't have otherwise known. For instance, William Shatner is a huge Oprah fan, and looks to Dr. Oz's advice on poop shape. And we learned that presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee—who bonded with Tyra over food issues—doesn't like carrots. Hmm, interesting. Maybe 'cause it's phallus shaped and he doesn't want to put it in his mouth because God did not intend for that type of union? Anyway, all that and weaves in the clip above and more after the jump.

OK, just two more things really. LOL on the nips:

And LOL on the acne:

What The Ladies Are Talking About: Abortions, Boobs, And Eating Squirrel Meat

Slut Machine — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:00:00 EST

The past week of lady talk shows was pretty grim, and not the wacky romp of group vagina smiles or porn convos that we've grown used to. (For example Oprah had an episode all about a woman whose husband offed himself and left her a million dollars in debt on purpose, just to be a jerk.) Tyra had an episode dedicated to teen pregnancy, but she took the Juno route, where abortion was mentioned, but not at all explored. In the clip above, watch as a group of teen girls discuss pregnancy without actually discussing sex or exploring its other consequences. But at least we can always count on Barbara Walters and the girls at The View to bail us out of infuriating conversations with the best sound bites!

Whoopi Goldberg Totally Hates Her Co-Hosts On The View

Slut Machine — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 14:00:00 EST

Oprah was kinda serious all week, with her quitting smoking campaign, MLK Day special, and adult children of divorce episodes. So for this week's Lady Bunch, the focus will be on Tyra (duh), and Whoopi Goldberg's increasing disdain for her View co-hosts. Clip above, and, as always, lots more after the jump.

You know, I can't help myself — I always want to talk about this woman.

It's like I have Stockholm Syndrome, except that nobody is forcing me to watch her five hours a week (six during Top Model cycles, and like 10 times that if there's a Top Model marathon on VH1).

Back when Barack Obama, the first of the presidential hopefuls to sit on TyTy's couch, was on her show, I joked that she would probably eat ribs with him, or at least talk about them. She didn't. She did, however, eat Wendy's with John Edwards. Well, actually, he didn't want any, so she ate it alone.

And then she played a game with him: Presidental, in which she showed Edwards pictures of teeth and he had to guess to which president they belonged.

Those were Jimmy Carter's up there. Can you guess these?

JFK's. How about these?

George W. Bush. John Edwards actually said "ew" when he saw those pop up on the screen before he even knew who they belonged to. They are really nasty, though. They look like when Pee Wee gives Francis that trick gum, and his mouth fills up with ink, in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Wanna see something else gross?

That woman had a botched tummy tuck. The scar is unattracrive and all, but the worst part about the whole thing is that the doctor lifted her skin so high, that he pulled her pubic mound up past her pants, so she has to shave that entire area every day, or else she gets pubes growing out of her belly button.

Lastly, I know I make fun of the woman and I kinda loathe a lot about her, but I did genuinely love this:

She did a show on fitness and refused to do the routines or exercises with people! If I had a show, and that was on the schedule, I'd be the same damn way. It's especially awesome because she actually wore pants that accentuated her lil' belly, and looked at the abs instructor like, "Screw you, where's my Wendy's?"

"The '60's, for those of us who can remember ...

Jennifer — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 13:45:00 EST

"The '60's, for those of us who can remember it — I mean, it was such a defining year. I made a list of some of the things that were going on then for the young people: The Vietnam War protests, the Kennedy assassination, Martin Luther King's murder, Civil Rights movement, women's liberation — so much happened..." This was Barbara Walters on The View today, Tom Brokaw's latest book, The Boom!. Um, anyone got any ideas for us as to why Walters would have described Kennedy's death as an assassination and King's as a murder? [The View]

Sherri Shepherd Doesn't Think Patti LaBelle Is Black Enough

Slut Machine — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 16:00:00 EST

So today is "Blue Monday," supposedly the most depressing day of the year. And it would seem that way with the shit we've posted on Jezebel today. Between abortions, anorexia, and female genital mutilation, maybe it's about time we laughed at something this afternoon. And why not have that something be Sherri Shepherd? Did you know that on The View, she actually referred to someone as "the black Patti LaBelle"? I can't even begin to fathom why she would even say something like that. I mean, it's not like Patti LaBelle is known for playing up to a white audience. It's so bizarre. Anyway Oprah, The View, and Tyra are all back from hiatus and back into the swing of things. And when I say "the swing of things" I mean "talking about sex and vaginas." Clip above, and a deeper look at Tyra's "historic" interview with Hillary Clinton after the jump.

You know what strikes me as hilarious? That the media who reported on Tyra's interviews with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton kept referring to it as "historic." Well, that's not exactly what's so funny to me. The funny part is that by "historic," surely they mean that presidential candidates are using different tactics to reach out to certain demographics, and that by going on the Tyra show, they are actually showing that they give a shit about getting the vote of women 18 - 34 years old. But the thing is, I have this sneaking suspicion that Tyrant thinks it's "historic" because a model is being taken seriously. Kinda like how Diane Sawyer went from beauty queen to TV journalist. I mean, that's what I'd like to believe that Tyra is thinking. I mean, perhaps if I had a crystal ball...

But I'm no mind reader. And even if I were, I seriously doubt my ESP would be strong enough to cut through that weave. Speaking of weaves! Let's get to it.

That's a straight up wig, right? And she has some baby hairs covering up that lace front. But I think this is one of those "medical wigs" that she tried to give to Bianca after they effed up her makeover and had to shave her head. It even has a fake part and fake roots.

Tyra—predictably!—asked Hillary about body image and past hair 'dos. To be fair, though, the hair thing is kinda interesting.

And for the "Never Been Asked" segment—in which Tyra asks guests questions that they've probably actually been asked before, or questions that are so retarded that other people would be too embarrassed to ask them—Tyra asked Hillary if she knows how to text message, and whether she would rather be a contestant on American Idol, Dancing with the Stars or ANTM. (Yes, she knows how to text, and she'd rather be on DWTS.)

You know, the whole high brow/low brow thing—I get it. I mean, I can't fault Tyra for asking a question about reality television, since it's pretty much my life, and since I'm a girl who rarely ventures beyond the borders of the lower, left-hand corner of New York's approval matrix. And trust me, I'm happy there and feel no shame about it. To me, there's no such thing as a guilty pleasure.

But it's like, when you have this opportunity to make a difference in a rather large way, like delivering an audience to a political candidate, isn't there some sort of responsibility to ask at least one tough question? Or to find out plans or policies or views or something? And that's ultimately what really bothers me about this interview (besides the fact that it was boooooooring). For instance, I know for a fact that Tyra's audience was really interested in the whole abortion issue, a topic that she's way too chickenshit to ever tackle properly. But take a look at all the pro-life crap on her message boards regarding the Hillary interview.

Whatever. I'll leave you with this picture of Barabara Walters' dog Cha Cha. Happy Blue Monday!

Earlier: "Live" From New York: It's Hillary Clinton On Tyra
Tyra Interviews Barack Obama, Invites Herself To Spend The Night At The White House

The Best Of Weaves And Wigs, 2007

Slut Machine — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 14:00:00 EST

This week for The Lady Bunch, let's take a look back at the role that synthetic hair has played for our favorite lady talk shows in 2007. If it weren't for Tyra Banks, would America know as much about weaves as we now do? She loves weaves, loves talking about weaves, loves giving weaves, and we wouldn't be surprised — if they were coated in the right amount of rib sauce — that'd she'd like to suck on 'em too. And thanks to a very special segment of The View, Sherri Shepherd taught us everything we didn't need to know about weaves, and never bothered to ask. Clip above, more hair after the jump.

Look, Saleisha got her first post ANTM gig, courtesy of The View:

JK, but Joanie, the runner up of Cycle 6 really did find work as a wig model, after ANTM.

This year, Barbara didn't stray from her normal 'do; that's very Ken circa Barbie and the Rockers.

And given that the other ladies on the panel are just as static with their styles, it's kinda awesome that we get to see Sherri's parade of wigs each week. In the spirit of the holidays, and the giving season, I'd like to give this to all of you. Happy Holidays!

Tyra Banks Gives Bow Wow A Creepy Sex Talk

Slut Machine — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 19:00:00 EST

Tyra might actually be suffering from the writers' strike because she only had one new episode last week. However, she's been known to be a scab before. During the last strike, she decided to go on with ANTM without writers. But the one new episode she did manage to air last week was sort of wonderfully disgusting: She asked Eve, Dita Von Teese, Bow Wow and Omarion questions about sex, and then had Bow Wow sit on her lap while she gave him a truly bizarre sex talk that led me to wonder if she's ever actually had sex at all. Oprah on the other hand, had an interesting week — very enlightening discussions with Dr. Oz about bikini waxes, kegel exercises and douching — and as for The View, well, Sherri Shepherd is an idiot asshole. Clip of Tyra/Oprah above, and more on Sherri after the jump.

Sherri Shepherd is an asshole — an idiot asshole. I'm just gonna put it out there. I watch her everyday and my eyes are just about as bulgy as hers, listening to the shit she says. She may be a nice person but yeah, ultimately she's an idiot asshole, and here's why: When someone makes bold statements, judgments, or decrees without bothering to get the facts of the matter straight and actually refuses to read up on it because they merely heard from someone else that it might conflict with his or her beliefs, that person is an idiot. And someone holds on to such uneducated statements, judgments, or decrees and defends them to the death with no regard for others' opinions, that person is an asshole.

Exhibit A: Sherri Shepherd Believes That Nothing Predates Christianity Last week, the girls were talking about the Greek philosopher Epicurus — who lived about 300 years before Jesus was born — and his thoughts on what makes a person happy.

It's very interesting that family wasn't in there, that spirituality wasn't in there...What about believing in something bigger than you? They still had Jesus back then. They still had God. They had Christians because they threw them to the lions. I don't think anything predated Christians.

So then Joy and Whoopi are like, uh, no, there were the ancient Greeks and Romans to which Sherri said, "Jesus came first before them."

Dude, she doesn't even pay attention to her own religion that she's always going on and on about. If nothing came before Jesus, then how do you explain the Old Testament? Remember the Old Testament, Sherri? That's the book that explains that evolution is wrong.

Exhibit B: Sherri Shepherd Will Not Allow Her Son To Wear A Skirt, Even Just For Play; Will Also Not Allow Him To Be Transsexual While Living Under Her Roof

If I found out a teacher let my son put a dress on, I would be mad as all get out. When you get [sic] 18 and you wanna wear a dress, and you're not in my house, put a dress on. If you wanna be transgendered when you get out the house...I'm his mother, he will not be wearing a dress. Girls wear dresses. We don't live in Scotland. There will be certain behavior that will not be going on in my house.

Whoopi then said, "Sherri, for God's sake if the boy is wearing a dress everyday, it's probably a conversation you should have with him."

Exhibit C: Sherri Shepherd Temporarily Believed The World Was Flat

Is the world flat? I don't know. I never thought about it. You know what I've thought about? How I'm gonna feed my child. How I'm gonna take care of my family. Wondering if the world was flat has never been an important thing to me. If my sons asks me if the world is flat, I guess I would go and look it up.

Exhibit D: Sherri Shepherd Believes In Spanking Children
Sherri has long been a proponent of "spare the rod, spoil the child" but last week, she said that when her son Jeffery was born prematurely, doctors told her that they needed to monitor him, because there was a likelihood that he would be retarded or suffer from cerebral palsy. Based on her conversation about him, it would seem that her child is not yet out of the woods for that, so basically she may be hitting a handicapped kid. WWJD, Sher??

Tyra Banks: "The One Thing That I'm Jealous Of... Is That You Guys Don't Have Cellulite"

Slut Machine — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 17:00:00 EST

The girls all pretty much got back into the swing of things after some time off for Thanksgiving. Joan Rivers joined the ladies of The View to discuss plastic surgery and dirty jokes, Paula Dean danced for cheese and bacon with Oprah, and Tyra related to a group of transsexuals — you know, all the usual stuff. But of course, Tyra was the standout this week, particularly when she freestyled some sort of poem to (at?) Alicia Keys. I think the damages I've suffered from secondhand embarrassment for Tyra Banks are more corrosive than those I've suffered from secondhand smoke after living with my mother the chimney for 18 years. Clip above, and more embarrassment after the jump.

So, the story that Tyra told Alicia Keys about "one of the most embarrassing moments" of her life from when they met at Oprah's Legends Ball sounded awfully familiar. Then I remembered that when she interviewed Obama, she told him that the most embarrassing moment of her life was when she and Kimora Lee Simmons met him at Oprah's Legends Ball, and Kimora talked all "ghetto" in his face.

I just imagine the two of them running around Oprah's Montecito compound all weekend, getting in people's faces and forcing them to suffer secondhand embarrassment. And I'm sure it took no effort either. Look what they wore to the actual ball.

Seriously, Tyra looks like her makeup artist Sutan, the guy who dresses up like her on Top Model.

Also, I didn't realize Kimora rocked the vagina arms as hard as TyTy.

Tyra Banks Goes "Undercover" By Not Wearing Weave, Makeup

Slut Machine — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 17:00:00 EST

With the Thanksgiving holiday last week, there weren't too many new episodes of the lady talk shows, but somehow Tyra Banks still managed to pull it off. She had two pretty magnificent episodes: One was about the relationship between sex and race, and the other was an "experiment" on inner beauty. The experiment involved Tyra giving some "ugly" girls a makeover and then took those girls' "pretty" friends, put prosthetic noses and warts on their faces and then took them to the mall. That's it. Absolutely fucking brilliant though. Oprah of course had her Favorite Things, which we loved. And then The View delivered one of my favorite things to happen on daytime TV: Barbara Walters explained the idea of vibrators to Sherri Shepherd. Clip above, and after the jump, take a look at the show topics that Tyra has planned for the rest of the season, and see if you wanna be on one of them.

These are for real, no bullshit topics that Tyra is cooking up for this season, and she's looking for people to appear on the show with these issues. First up, something that I'm sure is very close to TyTy's heart:

IS MY BEHAVIOR NORMAL?
"Do you do unusual things or have unusual behavior that the people in your life just don't understand? Do they want you to stop whatever it is that you're doing? Does someone in your life have unusual behavior and you can't make any sense of it? Do you or someone you know do very funny, unusual things that don't make any sense to you? Are you obsessed with something and it's taking over your life? Is this obsession ruining your relationships? Is your wife obsessed with celebrities and being one and you can't take it anymore? Is someone in your life obsessed with wearing a certain color everyday and you want them to get help? Does someone in your life call you more than 10 times a day, everyday and they don't have much to say? Does someone close to you hold on to everything, and refuse get rid of anything at all? Do you or someone you know constantly burst out into song, at any given moment in the day, for no reason and you want it to stop? Do you think your dog is more human than canine and you treat it like it's a person? Are you a food weirdo and have a hard time eating specific foods? Does someone in your life constantly lie about everything and you can't take it anymore? Is your husband obsessed with collecting toys and you want him to stop?"

It should also add:
"Do you roll around on the floor in front of celebrities while wearing a 45 lb wig that ultimately makes you weigh 206 lbs?"

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TYRA TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO?
"Do you have a shopping, dining or travel question that you'd like to ask Tyra? Do you want Tyra to teach you her tricks on how to make your eyes look bigger, your butt look more shapely, on how to decorate your house, throw a cocktail party on a budget and so much more? Do you have a relationship question for Tyra like how to break up with a boyfriend or do you wait for him to say 'I love you' first?"

Yes, yes, 1000 times yes! I want Tyra to teach me lots of things. Where the hell do I even begin? I'm signing up for this today.

DOES YOUR WORKSPACE OR OFFICE NEED A "TAILORED BY TYRA" MAKEOVER?
Yes, actually, desperately it does. I bought some Ikea furniture and tried to set up a little office for myself, but I never work there, because it's too far away from the TV. I think I've only sat in this chair once.

This is where I really work. On a couch surrounded by clutter and PopTart wrappers.

Dear Tyra,
Please give my workstation a makeover. (And a weave.)

xoxo,
Tracie

P.S. Sorry I make fun of you all the time.

The Best Of The 'Bunch'

Slut Machine — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 15:45:00 EST

1. Oprah Asks: "What Shape Should Your Poop Be?" This was our first one, so it holds a special place in our hearts. Also, we find out that Oprah loves two things (besides Gayle): #1 Talking about poop, #2 Tequila! 2. Barbara Walters Is Obsessed With Porn Babs was so sexual this week. More than normal, we mean. 3. Oprah Winfrey Once Lost A Tampon This was a great week for The View because Judge Judy joined them. And she brought pictures of the cruise she went on with B. Dub and Cindy Adams. It made us wish we were 70-year-old media types so we could go on vacation with them. 4. We Never Tire of Tyra All of our favorite clips of Tyra from her second season. 5. Asswipe Terrence Howard Gets Serenaded By Tyra Banks All-Terrence Howard edition. Watch and make up your own mind about how much of a butt bag this guy is.

Tyra Banks Helps Men Be The Best Date Rapists They Can Be

Slut Machine — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 14:00:00 EST

Tyra was extra awesome last week, with episodes about bisexuality, an entire hour acting the fool in front of Chris Brown, the obligatory weekly episode about weight obsession, and a discourse between teens and parents about sex. But my personal favorite was when Tyra went undercover to expose the dangers of dating, with Tyra talking through a microphone into the ear piece of an actor she hired to be the date rapist. Except, instead of the show being like, "Look! It's so easy to get date raped," it was more, "Look! It's so easy to date rape!" Seriously, it was like a how-to for aspiring rape artists. Oprah had Celine Dion on as a guest, but better still was the two-part episode about the family of hoarders who can't walk through their 3,600 sq. ft. home anymore because of the clutter. Oh, and The View had some excitement last week as well: Sherri Shepherd showed up with cornrows! Clip above and pictures and cheap shots after the jump!

So the awesomest thing happened. When Tyra was dancing around like a lunatic in front of Chris Brown, the jumpsuit that she was wearing split up the ass. She said the split was this big:

So instead of changing or whatever, she decided to just tie a sweater around her waist, like she got her period and it leaked all over or something.

Periods + Tyra = a dry weave joke somewhere.

And this doesn't really have much to do with anything, but when I saved my video file before recording her date rape episode, I named it "the rapist," but you know, for file purposes, there were no spaces, so it looked like "therapist." I felt they were both oddly fitting.

Teri Hatcher: "I'll Go Out With Damon Wayans! I Know How To Cook!"

Tracie — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 14:00:00 EST

The talk shows were sort of all over the place this week. Oprah had on the thousands of members of the Osmond family, rape victims, and age-appropriate fashion, while The View welcomed Damon Wayans on the couch, where the girls realized he's a chauvinist pig, only to have Teri Hatcher reveal the next day that she can totally get down with that. Talk about putting the "desperate" in Desperate Housewives. Sheesh! But of course, the highlight of the talk show week for me was Tyra's "Vagina Dialogues," not necessarily because some Jezebel staffers were in the studio audience (but, duh, it does play a part in my interest), but really because that episode was like clip-show heaven. But another great moment in useless TV was Tyra's first makeover episode of the season. You know what that means...weaves! Get a gander after the jump.

So Tyra sent the lucky participants of her makeover episode a cake to tell them the good news.

It's like, "I'm gonna tell you how to dress. Eat me." And we all know the drill at this point. Everyone gets a weave. So I'm just gonna give everyone else Tyra's weave. Just 'cause.

Barbara Walters: "Call Me Gay, But I Think Sarah Jessica Parker Is Adorable"

Tracie — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 13:30:00 EST

Babs was so much fun on The View this week, with her Halloween costume, her vagina vs. vajayjay discussion and her robot dance, but we all know that you're not really a good time girl unless you get a little lezzie with your friends, which is what she did. Well, you know, not literally (although, that be a ratings boost for sweeps), but she kept talking about women whom she finds sexy. Meanwhile, Tyra did her damnedest to make women feel unsexy, by stuffing guests into unflattering nude suits and telling them to judge each other. Meanwhile, Oprah was too educational for the normal retardation of The Lady Bunch, as Dr. Oz and Suze Orman filled up three of the five hours of her show this week. After the jump, screen shots, fat slobs, and Ethan Hawke, oh my!

The View did a pre-taped Halloween episode on which they transformed the studio into the Cotton Club, and the panelists as well as the audience dressed all '20s. By the way she walked and the look on her face, didn't B. Dubs look more like a zombie than a showgirl?

Oh, and you know who else looked scary, albeit unintentionally? Ethan Hawke. The man is not aging well at all. And seriously, that stage has glowing, sophisticated lighting meant to flatter a 78-year-old woman, and he still look haggard...at 36!

That has to be from smoking so heavily, right? He said that he's obsessed with his obituary because it's a "good way to make your decisions." I think he should be obsessed with it because it'll probs be published somewhere sooner than he thinks, by the looks of things, and when I say "things" I mean those crow's feet marching across his entire damn face.

Hmm...What else was scary last week? Oh yeah, duh. Her:

Yes, you, Tyra!

So there was that big, two-episode "Tyra's Bodyville" mess that was supposed to be an experiment on body image, but really was a lesson in how important social hierarchy among a group of women is when producing inane segments for a former-super model's vanity project.

The intention of the show was that people tend to judge a book by its cover...or the way it fills out a nude suit. In the second hour of the show, Tyra gave the women a bunch of job titles, and they were to assign them to each other, based on body image, although the girls didn't really follow those directions.

Check out the career options Tyra gave them:
Phone sex operator
Waitress
Maid
Flight Attendant
Janitor
Stripper
Bus Driver
Fast Food Worker
Actress
And then C.E.O is thrown in there to balance it all out.

I'm so glad she spent two hours last week on how horrible it is to stereotype women, only to...stereotype women.

Heidi Klum Tells Oprah About Seal's Giant Black Cock

Tracie — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 18:45:00 EDT

I've come to realize that there are six basic elements upon which all the lady talk shows are based: food, sex, gay men, crazies, Joy Behar's vagina, and Tyra's weave. Oddly, I'm not deterred by any of these, and in fact, I find them really engaging. This week, Tyra and The View both had Lance Bass on their couches to promote his book Out of Sync, his story about coming out of the closet as a gay man. Tyra was the only one with the balls to ask him if he had a crush on her. It's like, "Duh, Tyra. He said he likes dudes not...drag queens." Heidi Klum and Seal went on Oprah to discuss how perfect their lives are. Oprah asked them when they first knew they were in love and Heidi said she knew the minute she met him—because he was wearing bicycle shorts and she could see how big his dick was. No joke. After the jump, crazy people!

There's nobody crazier than Tyra Banks. She kinda looks like a vampire here, right? Fangs 'n' Bangs.

Except for the two old ladies with dementia that she had on her show. Julia, the one on the left, kept talking about her children, but the number of children that she had kept changing throughout the interview. Seriously, I don't think I've loved a daytime TV interview more than this one.

And speaking of crazy, did anyone else notice in that clip of Heidi Klum talking into her camera that they are playing Seal's "Crazy" in the background? Sometimes you have to really give it up for the subtle genius of television editors.

OK, so when did Lance Bass stop having gay eyes and start having crazy eyes? Those are some for real Miss Cleo googly shit. He kept making that face throughout his interview.

And is it crazy for me to hope that Elisabeth Hasslebeck's labor is extra painful?

Lastly, just for shits and giggles:

Is Tyra Banks A Lesbian?

Tracie — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 19:30:00 EDT

Gay! Gay! Gay! The lady talk shows were much more flamboyant this week, and I don't mean because Tyra wore a feathered headdress (which she did, in fact, do) or because Susan Lucci went on The View in a nightie and a trench coat. No, this time the gayness wasn't just implied, it was specified. Oprah interviewed gay transgendered people (as in, a man turned into a woman and became lesbian), The View ladies debated about whether or not homosexuality is a choice, and Tyra, well, you know how she do — but she also had an entire episode about genetic indicators of sexual preference. Oh, and Bill Cosby showed up on Oprah to discuss the plight of low-income African Americans, but it was kinda hard to take him seriously, because he was wearing sunglasses the whole time, due to a bout of pink eye. The clip is above, and after the jump, so much more.

You know what makes me gay (as in "happy")? Elisabeth Hasselbeck is taking an early maternity leave starting on Tuesday the 23rd! And she's not coming back until after hiatus. You know, it's not that I mind that she's a Republican, it's just that she's unwaveringly so. When she talks about banning abortion or public policy or welfare, it's clear that she's unable to step outside of herself and imagine what life could be like for people who weren't raised in the same circumstances as she. Who knows? Maybe I'll miss cursing at my TV. But right now, I'm looking forward to the guest co-hosts that will be filling her spot. May I make the first suggestion?

So in case we forget how sucky she is after she leaves, here it is:

Top 5 Favorite Detestable Quotes From Elisabeth Hasselbeck

1. "I think the only thing that helps me is that I really enjoy people. I love them."

2. "People get abortions for superficial reasons."

3. "Mitt Romney looks like he could be on a penny."

4. "Being a conservative mother isn't the challenge. Being a conservative in New York City on television is the challenge."

5. "You know when we were in Australia for Survivor, we had, I was supposed to fill out my absentee ballot. For the election. That was the controversial Gore/Bush, the whole Florida fiasco. Um, and I . . . I didn't. I was, like, too busy. And I think it was Nick Brown who was out there with me, said, you know, 'You didn't fill out your absentee ballot? Like, how do you not fill out your absentee ballot?' And then I realized what I had missed out on. So I really started a, an investigation, like why I was such an idiot as to not fill that out and partake in something that, you know, the women in Iraq just got a chance to do for the first time. You know, why? Why wouldn't I take advantage of a right that's granted to me? That wasn't always there? And I kind of recommitted to, um, reading as much as I could and learning as much as I could about, um, politics."

Whoopi Makes Funny Faces, Tyra Thinks You're A Geek

Tracie — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 19:30:00 EDT

Whoopi is finally getting the hang of moderating The View, and she's really getting comfortable. It's not so much what she says everyday, but rather, the faces she makes in response to what the other ladies are saying that has made me fall in love with The View all over again. But I'm not on such great terms with Oprah. She was highly unclip-able this week, even though the topics of her episodes were pretty interesting, like Jessica Seinfeld's new cookbook and Alexis Stewart's fertility struggles. And then there's Tyra. She had a somewhat infuriating discussion on pornography (although not as anti as her past episodes have been), a relatively long and boring interview with Melissa Etheridge, and then an episode all about male geeks. She also provided a quiz for viewers at home, to find out if you're a geek. Check out how you measure up, after the jump.

So Tyra's geek episode last Friday was supposed to be geek-positive, but of course, she gave the geeks makeovers.

She tried on one of the geek's glasses. This screen grab sorta makes me want to be friends with her.

Oh, who am I kidding? All the screen grabs make me want to be friends with her!

Except this one. Her weave tracks on the bottom don't match the ones on the top. Looks like someone else is in need of a makeover.

So this is the geek quiz, which Tyra filled out. See how you measure up:

Take the computer-version of the test here.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: "People Get Abortions For Superficial Reasons"

Tracie — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 19:00:00 EDT

There aren't too many things that shock me on daytime TV, at least with regards to discussion of the human body. Between Joy Behar's detailed descriptions of gynecologists visits, Whoopi's vagina spasms, Tyra's farting policy, and Oprah's fecal-shape obsession, I thought I'd heard it all — but I was wrong. This week on a very special episode of Oprah, Dr. Oz and an all-male studio audience had a Q&A session. What did the boys discuss? Smegma! And they man-handled some testicles! On The View, there was a different kind of dick: Elisabeth Hasselbeck. She felt the need to bust into an abortion debate in the middle of a discussion on public assistance. Clips above, and after the jump, the other panel members' faces in response to what she was saying.

So Elisabeth said that people get abortions for "superficial reasons." I'm not even sure what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but it still pisses me off. All four of the other panel members were just as incensed.

Even Elisabeth's partner in creationism, Sherri Shepherd, couldn't get on board with what she was saying.

You have to really do shock Babs to get her face to move this much.

But Whoopi's reactions were by far my fave.

Tyra Banks Holds In Her Farts Around Her Boyfriends

Tracie — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Life is pretty awesome now that all the shows are back. And even though I'm fighting with Tyra right now (in my mind, anyway) I still find her to be the most clipable girl on daytime TV. I found it incredibly ironic that she aired a show on manners and etiquette the same day we discovered how unapproachable and unlikeable she is in person. After the jump, take a look at the crappy swag she gave us.

First off, I was really pissed off watching Tuesday's episode of Tyra because it was the fall fashion episode and she gave everyone in the studio audience all kinds of free shit like hats, bags, leather gloves, jewelry, and gift certificates. When Moe, Jennifer and I went yesterday, we had to literally beg for our free mini bags of potato chips (because they skipped our row). Oh, and we got this piece of shit bracelet and beads on our way out.

It's supposed to have something to do with making a commitment to remember HPV or some bullshit. Moe and I got drunk at dinner after and I ended up braiding her hair and putting the beads in it, while singing Stevie Wonder songs, a memory that had actually been erased until this morning when she IM'd me to be like, "I woke up with beads in my hair."

Then Wednesday's show was all about etiquette. I totally related to the people with bad manners, particularly this dude, as I can be seen doing this often:

Well, as often as I can. I'm not particularly regular. You know, I have IBS and when I have to go, I have to go. I'm in there for a while, and I'm on the clock, so I figure I may as well just work. I have no good books at the moment anyway.

Oh, and remember earlier this week when we examined Sherri Shepherd's wigs? Things didn't get any better on Thursday:

Oprah Winfrey: Still Obsessed With Bowel Movements

Tracie — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 11:00:00 EDT

You may have noticed that we were experiencing technical difficulties on Friday, so I held off on posting "Lady Bunch" until today. Much like with periods, it's better late than never. (Right?) So, anyway, last week was Sherri Shepherd's first week as a full-time panel member of The View and we learned that the creationist momentarily believed that the world is flat, regularly shakes her giant naked breasts in her son's face, and gets turned on by pirate erotica. Oddly enough, despite all that weirdness, I couldn't really find an adequate enough clip of her to include. Way to be moronic and boring, Sherri. I'd much rather listen to Oprah talk about poop [Jeez, she's still stuck in that Freudian anal phase? -Ed.], listen to Barbara Walters say "sperm" with her weird accent, and listen to Tyra say/do anything. Above a clip show, and after the jump, more daytime TV fun, which includes, of course, hair weaves.

With Sherri and Whoopi on The View all week now, I'm really missing face time with this one:

I think the Whoopster is a doing a swell job and all, but she's too even-keeled and sensible. And she doesn't have that same quality as B.Dubs, where everything that comes out of her mouth is magical. For example, the word "sperm" suddenly is "spuhhm." And don't even get me started on how she pronounces mermaids.

Speaking of faces, this is what Sean Penn's looks like now:

He was on Oprah discussing a new movie he directed called Into the Wild, the true story of that hippie retard who decides to live in an Alaskan forest with no map or food, and duh, dies of starvation. The hippie retard is played by Emile Hirsch, whom I've been crushing since Lords of Dogtown, but who wasn't looking particularly appealing for this appearance. Also, he was talking about getting spa treatments. What do you guys thing: Gay or Nay?

Ooh, also Jenny McCarthy was on Oprah this week discussing her son's autism. She's really engaging. And while we're on the topic of engaging, I know it's been rumored, but is she engaged to Jim Carrey? That ring is on her left hand:

OK, now back to faces. I'm so happy to look at Tyra's everyday. What I'm not happy about is her vagina arms.

Something tells me that TyTy's armpit vaginas are not an accurate reflection of her operating vagina. So you know what that means: Makeover! And you know what a makeover means: Hair weaves!

Tyra Banks: New Season, New Weave, Same 'Ol Crazy

Tracie — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 16:30:00 EDT

All the girls were back this week, The View, Oprah and Tyra! I missed them ever so much. Whoopi is cool and all but she hasn't been that exciting. And Oprah is a wonderful human being with an interesting show, but what really gets me off is wacky. And Tyra has set the bar so high as far as entertaining me, that no one could really live up to that. Her new season is just so insane in the membrane I don't even know where to begin. It was impossible for me to not do an all-Tyra edition of The Lady Bunch. Watch as Tyra tries to be "down" by confessing really gross things that she thinks the audience will relate to, thus making her one of us—uh, except we don't and she's not. She talks about some crazy shit with maggots growing in her face (seriously). She should've just said something like how sometimes she likes the smell of her own farts. Now that's relatable...for some people.

I have to say that I'm loving the new weave. Bangs are great for her five head.

I know I already posted a clip of the first episode of the season, but really this needs to be explored a little bit more. If you saw it, then you know that the first thing she did when she got to NYC was share a hot dog with a hot dog vendor. Then she went to get pizza with this guy.

And then he had her make pizza, which she fucked up, so she decided to model the dough.

How much you wanna bet she really wishes accessories were edible? So she also managed to get Derek Jeter (aka the reason for diseasin') and Mayor Bloomberg to make a guest appearance on the show. Dodai and I have been going back and forth on whether or not TyTy has had her nose done. I insisted that she just contours the shit out of her whole face. I think this shot backs me up, because in natural light, the makeup doesn't help out so much.

I seriously think this season will rule my world. Tyra thinks so, too.

Whoopi Goldberg's Welcome Wagon

Tracie — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 16:30:00 EDT

The View finally came back this week after a month-long hiatus. It was Whoopi's first week on the job and I have to say, I'm not impressed. Don't get me wrong, Whoopi is great and smart and everything, but the girls talk over her, and I guess she has too many manners to do the same back. Hopefully she'll get so annoyed that she'll adapt. Even though this week was her big debut, she was, in my mind anyway, upstaged by guest Larry David, and Monday's guest co-host, 10-year-old Maria Lark. After the jump, let's trash the new yellow-y brown set.

OK, so how fucking ugly is the new set? Also, did you notice that the stylist has begun matching all the girls outfits?

It's like they're in the Jackson 5 or Destiny's Child or something. Me thinks Mama Knowles would have made them sexier, though. Or at least given them shirts with longer cleavage.

Also, I'm not liking the return of the wooden table. I miss the future-y glass table of the Rosie days. Aren't Whoopi's dreadlocks organic enough? Also hating the colors of new set. It seriously looks like baby mustard diarrhea. If you've ever changed an infant's diaper, you know what I mean. (I used to babysit back in the day.) I call craps this shade "blondies."

And with that diffused lighting on Babs, you can barely fucking tell she's there. She and Joy totally blended into the background in those outfits.

Also, I know that Sherri Shepherd is expected to take over the final permanent spot on the panel, but how much would it rule if they gave it to this little girl:

Without being mean, I'd like to say that she fills the void that Rosie left. Alright fine, I'll say it: This chick is like the fucking Founder and CEO of the Future Lesbians of Tomorrow club.

Oprah & Tyra Make Good Gaytime TV

Tracie — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 13:30:00 EDT

Everything was in reruns this week. Again. Thankfully, The View comes back (with Whoopi!) on Tuesday, and then Oprah and Tyra return with all new episodes the following week. Most of the episodes that repeated this past week were ones we've already covered here, so we're just gonna do a gay highlights reel. (Surprising to no one, many of these involve Tyra.) And after the jump, inventive man-on-man sexual positions, as seen on Oprah.

So these dudes from Cirque du Soleil were on Oprah. They claimed to be brothers. And by brothers we naturally assume they mean gay lovers. Brothers aren't that "familiar" with each other to stand so close face-to-back, or more accurately, penis-to-ass.

Never before have I seen nipples look more like peanut M&Ms in my life. Neither has Oprah.

The Spanx lady next to her list totally licking her lips because she's hungry for 'em. Now, before I really get into it, I just want to ask one question, and that question is: Why?

OK, we'll probably never know the answer to that one, so let's begin with our first homosexual male sex position. Ladies, I give you The Gaytrix.

The Invisible Reach Around

This is a series of dramatic motions that lead to : The Aerial Spread

This one is known as Cheeks-to-Cheeks

And last but certainly not least, we have To Wong Fu: I Don't Need Your Help, I Got This One On My Own, Thanks Anyway

Oprah couldn't help but mimic what she saw.

A Sneak Peek Of New Season Of 'Tyra'

Tracie — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 18:45:00 EDT

The new season of Tyra is only 12 days away! In this sneak preview clip, we're reassured that Tyra is still bringing the crazy. Also, her weave is so much better than last season. (We're digging the bangs.) Watch as she sings "Happy Birthday" to a fan in Spanish.

Tyra's Sings "Happy Birthday" to a Fan in NY! [Tyra Show]

Asswipe Terrence Howard Gets Serenaded By Tyra Banks

Tracie — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 14:00:00 EDT

Someone pass Terrence Howard the baby wipes, 'cause this guy is so full of shit. A re-run of his appearance on Tyra aired this week, and I was again reminded about what a weenie he is. The other Jezebels have been on his ass all week for being a lady-hater, and now it's my turn to take a swing. So, for this edition of "The Lady Bunch", I have an all-Terrence clip. (Hey, cut me some slack. August is re-run month!) After the jump, some reasons why I find it easy to make Terrence an honorary "lady".

I know this has been pondered before, but I just wanna double check. This guy is gay, right?

He wears a brooch.

He went NAMBLA for his Oscar date.

He sits like a lady.

He looks an awful lot like this woman, who also is probs gay.

Remember the dyke drama with Eva and Ann on ANTM Cycle 3? In case you forgot, Ann was the sporto bulldyke trapped in the beautiful body of an aspiring model.

I think a major part of her downfall in the competition was the fact that Jay Manuel went out of his way to make her feel like shit at her photoshoots. He's just jealous because he has to work twice as hard to look half as pretty.

Anyway, back to Terrence. We all know how queens hate when they aren't the center of attention. Look at how beautiful his mani is. I'm a square girl, myself. Looks like Terrence is a round girl.

I know another entertainer who opts for round, too.

Sometimes the company a person keeps can be a good indicator of their sexual preference. Look who's in the glass closet together.

This is like the equivalent of an actor sitting with Judy Garland back in the day.

Hey Terrence, how many D's at a time for you?

Oh, word? Me too. Wait, is that a clutch?

Terrence Howard Is Probs Gay [One D]
Earlier: Terrence Howard: Women And Toilet Paper "A Very Serious Subject"

Barbara Walters Always Has Sex On The Brain

Tracie — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 13:20:24 EDT

So, if you didn't already know, The View is on vacation all through August and Oprah and Tyra are in reruns too. I mean, I still watch the shows everyday as a form of methadone for my addiction, but I'm really missing the incomparable high of new episodes. Particularly, my days are a little darker without B. Dub and her daily, graphic, pre-noon sex talks. Seriously, leave it to the 77-year-old to put the "hot" in "hot topics." So I assembled a sexed up clip of the best of Babs gab. And after the jump, I recommend sex toys for all The View ladies.

As you know, I love to rock... Kidding! But for real, as you know, I love to watch daytime TV, but I also love to have sex and masturbate. (But who doesn't?) Anyway, since B. Dub is always going on about sex, sex, sex, I thought I'd combine my two fave indoor activities and recommend some sex toys to The View co-hosts based on their personalities. First up, the head honcho:

Barbara Walters

Babs is something of a confirmed bachelorette, as she's thrice divorced and doesn't like when men spend the night after she bangs them. Seeing as how she's a sexually active older woman with a busy career, so she needs a multi-functioning, time-saving device that will work to strengthen her vaginal muscles—which will help her have better orgasms and bladder control—as well as stimulate her G-spot. Might I suggest Betty's Vaginal Barbell, designed by sexologist Betty Dodson?

Joy Behar

So we know that Joy has been living in unwedded bliss with Steve for 25 years, and she said that they still have sex sometimes. Good for you, Joy! Here's a couples vibe. The girl wears it like a jock strap, so it's resting on her vadge while the guy is all up in there with his peen.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Oh, you know I'm gonna have fun with this one. At first I wanted to suggest some big black cock dildos, or this PC trio:

But then I thought that since she doesn't really like the idea of a separation between church and state, she surely wouldn't like the idea of separation between church and sex. So I suggest she replace that stick up her ass with this: A baby Jesus butt plug.

We Never Tire of Tyra

Tracie — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 13:40:00 EDT

The View (who promised us they'd be live all summer) are on hiatus for the entire month of August (not to mention two weeks in June). Those bitches! I really miss them. Oprah's off being philanthropic and having "s"-shaped poops somewhere, while Tyra has been filming new episodes in NYC, which will begin airing on September 10, exactly one month from today!

So in honor of only having to wait one more complete menstrual cycle for all-new TyTy, I have 161 lbs of Lady Bunch: Tyra's Greatest Hits, above!

PLUS: After the jump, Tyra makes lists of all her favorite stuff. I at once mock and relate.

OK, so apparently Tyra is like Rob Flemming from Nick Hornsby's High Fidelity. She makes "top five" lists for everything. Except that she doesn't always limit it to five. And sometimes they're not really itemized lists as much as they are a collection of random thoughts that she wrote on Post Its or the backs of rib bibs at the Rack Shack. Spoiler alert! She loves ribs and food plays a large part in these lists. (Disclaimer: These are not a lame Photoshop joke on my part. These graphics actually appear on the "Tyra's Wolrd" portion of her site.)

OK I can kind of see how collection fortunes from fortune cookies could be a hobby if like she had a scrap book where she keeps them all or something. But going to the movies? Concocting new sauces at the dinner table? (BTW, WTF?) I love how the one thing that is legitimately a hobby on the list was only added there as a joke. Lastly, as for #4: I think that over-eating is only considered a hobby if you throw up after. I'm just sayin'.

Here's what I think Tyra's hobbies really are:

1. Getting weaves 2. Giving makeovers 3. Giving makeovers with weaves 4. Putting aspiring models on the spot with inane challenges 5. Blow jobs (just kidding!)

I told you she likes ribs:

OK, so here's where I'm an asshole because 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, and 8 are all my jam. The only difference that I feel no guilt.

And finally:

Oprah Smelt It, Denies She Dealt It

Tracie — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 11:00:00 EDT

Due to some technical difficulties on Friday, The Lady Bunch was regrettably delayed, but much like getting our periods, it's better late than never. Last week was the breast week ever, thus far. Sheri Shepherd's gave The View a whole new meaning with the generous display of her long cleavage, which seemed to really rev up Barbara Walters. Tyra got two handfuls of Katharine McPhee, and then pondered how much she should insure her own breasts (she reckons $2 mil for the set). She typically reserves that much airtime for discussing weaves. Also, Oprah—selected by Forbes as the most powerful celeb in Hollywood—had a show dedicated to answering all the burning questions she's had over the years. What was at the top of the list? Poop. For real. In related news, she admits she farts, then blames it on other people! After the jump, recaps on the best moments of the past week in girl talk.

Before we get started, let's find out the answer to Oprah's "burning question": Where does the poop go after you flush? It ends up here:Are they being ironic with that name? Anyway, the poop gets separated from the toilet paper and tampons and then goes on this conveyor belt. It's a little reminiscent of when Mr. Rogers would show how crayons get made, no?Congratulations are in order for the gals at The View, because they finally stopped talking over each other long enough to hammer out a contract with their new moderator, Whoopi Goldberg. She's OK, but she's no Rosie. She dresses like a lesbian though, so I guess that's a little comforting?Joy reminded us to get the summer '07 mug before they sell out. Collector's item! I'm totally gonna buy it. The day it was announced that Rosie wouldn't be returning, I high tailed it over to ABC.com and bought the spring '07 mug.It's a lovely addition to what's shaping up to be the gayest mug collection.
Speaking of homosexuals, Tyra had these anti-gay kooks back on her show. They'd been on before, but had caused such an uproar on Tyra's message boards that she couldn't resist inviting commenters from her blog to be in the studio audience and face off with these Manson family-esque chicks.Her intentions were clearly more in the interest of ratings rather than open discourse, but that's fine by me. The best part is that they called Tyra a "fag enabler." She was all, "I am not." She so is! Gurl, you know it's true. It's part of the reason we love you.You know who I don't love? This one:But fuck her, let's get back to talking about this one:Her show is moving to New York and I couldn't be any more excited. I already called for tix but they haven't gotten back to me yet. I'm going out of my mind with suspense. Tyra, call me!!!! I'd even take some snail mail, if you think the phone is too intimate.

Tyra Banks' Bad British Accent, Unintentional Backflip

Tracie — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 16:01:08 EDT

This week the ladies engaged in the sort of conversations that make men cringe and leave the room, like tales from the gynecologist's office and incessant worry about weight. But that's fine with me, because I love hearing about all 161 of Tyra's pounds and I could listen to Joy Behar talk about getting surly in the stirrups all the live long day. In this week's 'Lady Bunch', watch as Barbara Walters brags about being skinny, Oprah calls out an audience member on a back-handed compliment, and Tyra falls backward off her couch. The latter might be the best five seconds of daytime TV ever. After the jump, more recaps on the girlie gab fests.

Okay, before we get started, I just want to bring this up, out of love: What the fuck is going on with Babs' hair lately? It's beginning to look outrageous. I would go so far as to say truly, truly, truly outrageous, but she's not so much Jem as she is Ken from Barbie and the Rockers.

Oprah had an episode all about dream jobs. And what was the dream job most prominently featured? Being Oprah Winfrey! But seriously, she does have a dream job. I would love to be her. Well, actually, I don't want to be Oprah at 6:15 am, which is the start of her day. She looks, uh, different without makeup and lashes.Does making fun of an au natural O make me a witch? Well if so, then I should be thankful Tyra did a whole show on witches. She had a graphic made up for it and everything.You could tell that she was afraid of them, and that being in the same room with them made her weave crawl—even the harmless femme-y Wicca chicks. I think she thinks that witches are real, that they have real powers and large noses with warts on them and they got to her studio riding old time-y brooms.But to be fair, she had some dark witches there (whom Tyra kept incorrectly referring to as "black witches") and I found them to be spooky. Although, upon further inspection of this screen grab, I guess they just look like a tranny and a dyke you might find behind the counter at a sex toy shop.Why is it that the people who work at those places tend to be the least appealing to me, sexually? Do the stores hire employees like that on purpose, so that we'll want to give up on attempting to have sex with humans and just stick with machinery? Whatever the case, I'm not sure anything—be it intercourse or a vibrator or a plate of ribs—could be as satisfying as the sight of TyTy falling off that couch. Maybe those witches cast a spell on her after all? Or maybe that's just what you get when you don't sit on the furniture properly.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Threatens To Flash Barbara Walters

Tracie — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 17:23:15 EDT

I've been saving a lot of money on sunscreen this summer by watching so much daytime TV. So what if Oprah and Tyra have been reruns? They still have me talking to the TV, even though it might be stuff I already said to it earlier this season. This week for The Lady Bunch, Tyra cements her fag haggotry by cozying up with Clay Aiken; Ross the Intern and Paula Abdul both take turns in the guest co-host seat on The View; and Oprah can admit when she's wrong—when it comes to her wig choices. After the jump, more on this week's shows.

Aside from that wig episode, Oprah was sort of a buzzkill all week long, albeit an educational and somewhat fascinating one. This week she had on Leeza Gibbons, who was plugging her new Lifetime show What Should You Do? that "combines dramatic re-enactments of true stories with tips from experts to help viewers protect themselves and others." Basically, it's a show full of freak accidents and horror stories that will make you want to shit yourself and never leave your house for fear of almost dying in a flash flood. One woman featured on WSYD that Oprah welcomed on her couch told the story of when she was pregnant and fell over the railing from her second floor, landing on a microphone stand that punctured her chest and came out the other side! Her description of it was so gross and is making me cringe as I type this. She said that when she tried to pull the stand out of her chest, it made a suction sound! Ugh, gross. I'm stopping. No more with that.

On to happier chests:
I'd bet dollars to donuts that she's wearing Spanx here. I'd also bet that she'd rather take the donuts over the dollars. JK! JK! I don't even think she's fat. But she looooves talking about how other people do. This week we got to relive that "Kiss my fat ass!" speech. My favorite part of that whole speech was when she smacked her ass and then her weave stuck to her lip gloss and she didn't brush it away. She totally would have gotten on a contestant's bony ass about that on ANTM.
And her Gayken episode reran this week.Like the true nerd face that he is, Clay talked about the numerous allergies he suffers from, like mushrooms, shellfish, chocolate, and...nuts. That's the most creative orientation denial he's come up with yet. Now, on from latent homosexual to blatant homosexual: Ross the Intern!I love him, even though his voice confuses me, and it leads me to think about whether or not his balls ever descended. Babs was in a real mood this week. I felt like she was a bit rude to Ross, and she also got all up in Paula Abdul's over-bleached grill.I do really love, though, how she wasn't buying it that Paula wasn't on at least some sort of medication, which she did eventually get out of her. Also, I love how she tried to imply that Paula wasn't necessarily "with it" while in the dressing room that morning. I would've loved to be a fly on that wall. OK, and one last thing: Can you believe that Paula makes so much money as an accessories designer? She's like half four-year-old girl, gluing gems on her headband, and half 80-year-old lady, who wears all the costume jewelry she owns all at once, for fear that the aids in the home will knick it.

Joy Behar Is Horny For Rhino Love

Tracie — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 15:30:00 EDT

The View is back! The View is back! I couldn't be more excited. Pass me the Astroglide, because I think I just grew a dick and I wanna stick it in a man's anus—that's how wonderfully gay the lineup was all week on our favorite morning gab fest. Joan Rivers! Jackie Collins! Mary Tyler Moore! Mario Cantone! Plus, Oprah had on a large Catholic family in which four of the six children grew up to be gay, and then of course, there's Tyra, who's really just a big ol' drag queen living in the body of a walking weave. After the jump, recaps on this week's episodes.

While The View was on hiatus, American opera singer Beverly Sills died. Turns out she was B. Dub's BFF, and Babs was understandably broken up about her passing, so she gave a really touching tribute on Tuesday's show, and wore this ring that Bev gave to her when she retired from 20/20.

I was so moved by the idea of inspirational accessories, that when I went to Atlantic City this week, I stopped in a cheapy jewelry shop on the boardwalk, bought a charm for $7.98 and had something meaningful engraved on it:

In case my camera-phone photography is too beautifully artistic for your eyes to comprehend what you're seeing, it's a heart that says "Doritos." Because Doritos are totally my boyfriend. Blazin' Buffalo Ranch. OK, and WTF is up with Mary Tyler Moore? She's like losing it, right? Something about her statistic that one female dog that's not spayed can produce over "76,000 puppies in a seven-year period" rings incredibly inaccurate. And nice frightening BJ face.

Speaking of frightening BJ faces:

I know I keep talking about Tyra and weaves, but that's only because Tyra keeps talking about Tyra and weaves. For real, her two fave topics are herself and fake hair. To be fair, those are now my two fave topics as well. This week she had on Jennifer Hudson (rerun) and asked her if she reuses expensive hair. (Surprise! Cheapo Tyra does!) And then she had an entire episode of giving Warren Tricomi makeovers to women with "America's Worst Hair." For the ep, TyTy donned some wack-ass wigs, I guess to make us laugh? Ty, you don't have to try that hard with us. We always laugh at you.

OK, moving on from BJ faces, how about some gay faces?

How can anyone refute the idea of there being a gay gene after the Huckabys went on Oprah? There are six children in their family, and four of the brothers turned out gay! Only three of the homo bros (hobros?) showed up for the taping. (What kind of a gay man is the fourth brother that he couldn't cancel his previous plans for Oprah Mother Fucking Winfrey? Answer: The kind of gay man I don't want to know.) And lastly, how can anyone refute the idea of a gay gene when this guy so clearly has gay eyes?

Tyra Banks: Love It Or Weave It

Tracie — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 15:57:08 EDT

The View was on hiatus again this week (they'll be back with all new episodes on Monday). I'm really starting to miss Babs. Like, a lot. That's OK. I dried my eyes with Tyra's weave. OMG, remember last week when I mentioned how Tyra gave everyone weaves? She totally did that all week! In the video player above, check out how Tyra tries to give Donald Trump new hair and get uncomfortable as Oprah rails on a cheating husband. And there's more after the jump, like meth-face makeovers, the baby Oprah helped deliver, and Tyra's henchwoman Topanga.

So in case anyone forgot, Oprah has been on the air forever. Especially for this kid:
He's 18 now! It's so crazy that there are legal adults now that can't remember life without Oprah. He was born during her Optifast era, right? She's looking pretty trim in those scrubs.Now, if Tyra Banks had to do a segment like this and wear that outfit, she would've cinched in the waist with a large belt. And when she saw the lady getting the C-section, she probs would've tried to eat her ribs.

But all kidding aside, Tyra does so much more than eat comfort food and then bitch about people calling her fat. For instance, she gives people makeovers (weaves, she gives them all weaves!) to improve their self esteem. She had on some meth-heads who looked like total shit before Tyra sicced her team of doctors and drag queens on them. Actually, I thought it was really nice to give this lady new teeth. Dental work is so expensive. And she's looking sort of OK now, for having been a dirty crystal meth addict before.Then TyTy gave this "tomboy" a makeover.

I almost turned into a tomboy when I saw how hot she looked after this, but then I remembered that I don't like ~~to eat pussy~~ play sports.

Has anyone else noticed that Tyra has hired Topanga to do the kind of field that she doesn't really want to do? Hey, that's a little bit like me with Jezebel. Except whereas Ty sends To on adventures like yard sales, Anna sends me to show my vadge around town. And I do it with the same type of enthusiasm. In fact, this is totally the face I was making when I had my legs in stirrups at the doctors' offices:Thank God Gawker Media pays better than Tyra.
She's so cheap!

Oprah Tries To Create The Consummate Celebrity Quadroon

Tracie — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 15:50:39 EDT

This week, daytime TV was stricken with a nasty case of the reruns. Even after I lauded The View for keeping it fresh all summer, B. Dubs went and gave the ladies this week off, leaving no reason for a lot of us to get up before noon. So the only View clip we have for you is from last Friday when Molly Shannon wore a pair of coochie cutters that Babs was apparently keen on. Other clippy goodness includes Tyra all up in Queen Latifah's grill and Oprah's interior designer Nate Berkus, the GILF (gay I'd like to fuck), on the topic of sperm donation and Halle Berry (not to be deposited in any of my orifices, unfortch).

It's gonna be an all-Tyra recap here, since The View was all repeats and because other than the Nate Berkus episode, Oprah was either sad (Bob Woodruff, child slavery) or boring (Faith Hill). The main reason why I'm desperate for new Tyra episodes is because I'm sooooo over her Crypt Keeper weave.

TyTy took an AIDS test on the air, using one of those mouth swab-y things. She seemed quite at home administering the test to herself, as it was a similar movement to one of her favorite pastimes—eatin' ribs!

Then, on a different episode, she kept it AIDS-y by having on Queen Latifah, who was promoting her HBO film about the disease, Life Support. Normally when Tyra has celebrity guests of that caliber, she'll make them walk the runway and show off their outfit, but she knew that Teef is, er, different, so instead they played basketball, which all but shattered the door of the glass closet Latifah's been living in. They may as well just started having oral sex right there.Notice how Tyra throws the ball underhanded, granny-style, while Latifah throws it overhanded, lesbian-style.

Tina Knowles (Beyonce's mom) made a special appearance this week, giving viewers makeovers, which essentially means that she dressed them in House of Deréon and gave them a weave. Did you notice that all of Ty's makeover shows involve giving people weaves? The grossest episode of the week, hands down, was the one where women became seriously ill or disfigured in their quest to become more beautiful. I decided that before these images could be displayed on Jezebel, they'd need a makeover—so I gave them weaves.

Here is a makeover I performed on a woman who received a botched lipo/tummy tuck:

And I added a few tracks for fullness to these legs that developed a bacterial infection from a messy pedicure.Seriously though, you have to hand it to Tyra for being in the presence of those sores and still managing to keep her ribs down. She's so strong.

Related: Quadroon [Wikipedia]