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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
I'm alternately wheezing from uncontrollable laughter, and going, Huh! Glad I'm not the only one. re: anal. Not something I'm really interested in, at least penetration-wise. I've had my proverbial salad tossed a time or two, and that's not bad or anything. I just can't get over the squick factor. Mr. terrible and i were discussing this recently and we both agree that it might be worth a try but it just seems so unsanitary. Anyway, I'm also in the not-so-sure-about-the-on-top-skills... club. I always feel like I'm doin it rong. Plus i dont really get much out of it, I needs the missionary with my legs all over the place or the doin' it from behind. The latter is extra good because we can both watch in the mirror. I do like the face-to-face him-on-top because we look in eachother's eyes and it's soooo swoony. However, I have nothing but love for the reverse cowgirl because I can control the pace and do it reeeaaaly slow if I want. That usually doesn't last long though, he'll get asplodey and impatient and throw me down and then throw down. Oh! He likes to pin me to the bed, arms and legs both, when he's on top. Oh. Oh god. I'm gonna go home to...er....let the dog out. And! Whichever one of you bishes said something about farting jizz, you owe me for dry cleaning because your comment made me spit juice all over my jacket.
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Jack_Burton
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
I'll have to check out this new version... I, like many bookish, Jezzies, I'm relieved to find, read it when I was very young. A lot has changed since then...

A lot of self-study and mutual tutoring too...

I'm certainly not so arrogant to think I couldn't learn something new. Books + sex = 2 good things together. Why not?

This tome has stood the test of time, and having a "Dummies Guide" on any subject, on my bookshelf is not my style.
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devilchyld22
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
The Joy of Sex is such a better book in my opinion.

300 pages of awesomeness.
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devilchyld22
12/18/08

@devilchyld22: Wow...maybe I should work on finishing my thoughts.

TJOS is a much better book in my opinion over the comma sutra.

Comment fail.
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Witchtit: Your low productivity advisor
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
When I was 9, I stole one of my mother's dirty book. The book's character mentioned how her lover's semen tasted like burnt almonds. Six years later, imagine teenaged Witchtit's surprise upon her first successful beej-----Javex bleech? yes. Burn almonds? definitely not.
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Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka
12/18/08

@Witchtit: But was his member throbbing?
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Witchtit: Your low productivity advisor
12/18/08

Ya know@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: You are right!Teenaged Witchtit was also confused by the lack of throbbing loins. I guess looking back on it, teenaged Witchtit was expecting a vibrator covered in marzipan.
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Samanthrax
12/18/08

@Witchtit: "a vibrator covered in marzipan".... I WISH.
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pleppy
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
Let's take a minute to recognize that the "McCain just doesn't get it" line is actually Michael Douglas' line in the American President.

Damn you Bob Rumson!
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yvanehtnioj
12/18/08

@pleppy: "McCain's problem isn't that he doesn't get it. It's that he can't SELL it!"
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YourScreenplaySucks
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
I wonder if the new version has dropped the 70's hirsute hippie chic and updated all the models with Brazilians, collagen injections, and platinum blond hair.
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Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka
12/18/08

@Your Screenplay Sucks: OMG the book had photos?? I thought it was just drawings!
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
My parents have a copy of the original edition, and I used to sneak it as a child. I could never own a copy myself; it's too much like spying on my parents. To me, it is still the definitive story of how people had sex in the early 70's.
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Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
I need a good sex book on female on top.

My ex of eight years didn't prefer that position, and I really feel I am not as skilled in it as .. other things.

*Note: There's a reason I didn't press for it so much with him either, but as it's the Holiday Season I will not divulge and embarrass him.
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katastic
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: I don't like being on top, really. But I'm lazy.
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Improvident_Lackwit
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: Yeah I too kind of feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing up there.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: I never tried the reverse cowgirl thing until I started reading Jez. I felt stupid, but it was a hell of a ride.
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missteenwordpower
12/18/08

@Improvident_Lackwit: This I don't understand, and I've heard it a lot. You don't necessarily have to "do" anything different, especially if you're not sitting straight up, which IS challenging. You can lean all the way forward and make out, and your partner can still move plenty.
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Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka
12/18/08

@missteenwordpower: So you still make your partner do the work? (Not snarky, serious ?)

Because I'm in pretty good shape but fuck if I dont get tired up there.
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Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka
12/18/08

@katastic: @Improvident_Lackwit: Thank God for Jez and my sanity, because just like the OMG I always orgasm convos I have with the girls, the OMG I love being on top comes up frequently too.

Makes me feel inadequate, and I don't usually get that way.
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ItchykooParker
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: In my experience, both people moving is best when I'm on top.
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Jack_Burton
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: The trick is to always be a little careful not to bend him too far back or fold his willy suddenly, or you'll tear his suspensatory ligament. If that happens, the fun's over.

Other than that, mostly, do what feels good.
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Samanthrax
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: I don't know much about this position either. I always thought you just sat on it and bounced, but due to that fact that I felt like a total moron doing that, I stopped.
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LaFemme
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: God, I have never really thought there was too much technique involved, but now I am nervous that I have spent entirely too much time doing something off or mediocre.
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Titania
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: I don't do it either. When did every sexologist on the planet get together and decide that "woman on top" was the way that every single woman on the planet would have an easier time having an orgasm? Maybe I'm just bossy, but I don't have a problem "controlling the action" from the bottom, side, behind, or whatever. I think its kind of just another assumption about the passive female, that we need to literally be in a dominant position to be in control or we'll just suffer silently while someone else does their thing.
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AstronautBankRobber
12/18/08

@2pint: I'd heard that before I ever tried being on top. The first time I was, I had this horrible impluse to go really crazy and see if I could.
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Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka
12/18/08

@Titania: Monkey barks would be good.

@LaFemme: If you were enjoying it all's fine, but I haven't enjoyed it as much as other positions.

And, fine I'll be honest - my ex wasn't very endowed. It was fine in other positions because we got a rhythm going, but in me on top he would ... ummm.. fall/slip out a lot.
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Jack_Burton
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: Another tough thing for some women when on top is that they feel like they're "on display" and get self-conscious of a guy staring up at them.

This is a tricky-ish one to deal with, but one solution is just to close your eyes or tilt your head back and concentrate on how it feels, until you're more confident. You could always blindfold the dude, too... ;)

Guys like woman-on-top because it goes in deep, it's a great view, we can use our hands a little more, and (no lie) we get a little rest. The weight of a woman on top is a nice change too.

Changing the position of your legs, squatting, holding on to a headboard, and adjusting the angle of your hips are all good things to experiment with...

Personally, if find a woman who is comfortable being on top a huge turn-on.
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Jack_Burton
12/18/08

@ms.tyrant: I know a guy who had that happen - no lie - the doc gave him amyl nitrate capsules, and for a few weeks, at the first sign of a boner, he had to pop one (think Gary Oldman in The Professional).

He healed OK without surgery, but, yipes!

I have genuinely worried a few times with women that are really "take-charge" and into "sportfucking." I now have a strategy - keep my hands ready to grab her ass and pull her close if she gets too bouncy...
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PrettyPrettyPrincess
12/18/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: oh god, i am so glad you started this thread. I don't love being on top either. My clit is not stimulated at ALL (although, as a commenter below states, a man belly might help with the clit stimulation and my boy is skinny) and the penetration is NOT all that deep, depending on how the couple fits together. When I'm on top I get bored and my mind wanders. I get pissed whenever I hear how much we ALL LOVE being on top and how it's guaranteed to get me off. I try to rub my clit when I am on top and he GIGGLES because it tickles him. I've screwed a ton of guys and I never truly enjoy being on top. I feel like I am performing when I do it - so I mostly don't do it. The boy loves it, and I love the boy, so I do it as a special treat, but usually I just distract him with a blowjob if he's in the mood for me to be on top.

I love Jezebel. the sex-story sharing, I needs it!
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morninggloria
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
I'm getting on the waiting list for The Joy of Abstinence. It's one page long. The one page says, "You don't have to worry about being pregnant."
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sportz.star
12/18/08

@morninggloria: or getting an STI.
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morninggloria
12/18/08

@sportz.star: You can get that for having impure thoughts.
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Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
But what about the illustrations?? Those hairy, graphic, horribly realistic things put millions of kids off sex 'til at least their late teens.
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sportz.star
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
Sex on horseback sounds uncomfortable and smelly.
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ItchykooParker
12/18/08

@sportz.star: And that's coming from a SportzStar!

Impossible almost, I'd have to say. And I'm adventurous!
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sportz.star
12/18/08

@ItchykooParker: Haha! Fair -- athletically, I think I could do it. But, as my mom would always say whenever I went to do something dangerous: Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD.
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rollergirl76
12/18/08

@sportz.star: I picture a couple in the midst of coitus falling off the horse and then being trampled to death.
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Laulau
12/18/08

@sportz.star: Not to mention unpleasant for the poor horse.
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Jack_Burton
12/18/08

@sportz.star: It's no fun - because the horse can't watch.
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BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
It's super funny that the ultimate sex guide ignored the clit. Yup, written by a man!
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CrankyOldBroad
12/18/08

@BrutallyHonestBabes: And one who despised the moniker "Dr. Sex" thereafter. By all accounts, he was not a cuddly kind of dude.
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Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny.
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
Haha, a gourmet guide to lovemaking. I love it when people call sex "making love", I always think of elves somewhere, actually making love. Ok, I'm odd.
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rosasparks
12/18/08

@Vivelafat is the Quizat Haderach: When someone describes the act as 'making love', I actually crack up.

The only people who make love are on Days of Our Lives or in bad love songs. I do NOT make love, under any circumstances.
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Laulau
12/18/08

@Vivelafat is the Quizat Haderach: OMG, I am so glad I am not the only woman who finds this phrase ridiculous. I love people, but I have sex with them. Well, not all of them, You know what I mean.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/18/08

@rosasparks: OMG. Did we have the same childhood? One in which Patch and Kayla make love while "Lady in Red" plays in the background?

My skin is crawling. Crawling, I tell you!
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Jack_Burton
12/18/08

@rosasparks: I don't make love, I make SWEET love...
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evil_green_eyes
12/18/08

@rosasparks: Exactly. I remember when I was a youngin' a friend and I were talking about how a guy had sex with a horse and her dad asked us to call it "making love" instead of sex.
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rosasparks
12/18/08

@2pint: That's more hilarious that making love. Uncontrolled laughing resumes.
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snappaloosa
12/18/08

@rosasparks:

As a child of the 70's, I grew up watching The Newlywed Game, and every time they talked about "Making Whoopee," it just made me think about the Whoopee Cushion some kid in my class had brought to school once in second grade. Thus creating some Really Unfortunate associations in my developing brain...
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rosasparks
12/18/08

@TheFormerJuneBronson:AHAHAHASJKLDFHALSJKDFH. You and me, we had the same childhood! My reference, EXACTLY!
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rosasparks
12/18/08

@snappaloosa: I watched the Newlywed Game, too, with my grandma, no less. I remember being totally confused about 'making whoopee', too. I was mostly concerned that I would make those fart sounds while having sex.

Turns out I can, unfortunately. Ugh.
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Joyce Carol Hall and Oates
12/18/08

@Vivelafat is the Quizat Haderach: The only way I would ever refer to it as "making love" is if I am doing it with a member of Boyz II Men.
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Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny.
12/18/08

@evil_green_eyes: That is seriously the funniest thing I have ever heard, because making love to a horse is a lot better then having sex with it.
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Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny.
12/18/08

@Joyce Carol Hall and Oates: Yeah, and even then I'll only call it that if they are doing it like I want them to and they hold me tight, all through the night.
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tonightineed is actually Mrs. Ziegler-Spock
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
What exactly are the tactful ways to take a woman's virginity?

(overlooking the obvious bit where 'taking' is sort of ridiculous.)
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BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
12/18/08

@tonightineed is no longer yeasty: Maybe it involves compliments and a thank you note after?

PS I'm glad your yeasty time is behind you!
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KrisP
12/18/08

@tonightineed is no longer yeasty: I believe it involves rose petals on the bed, champagne chilling, soft music and lighting and calling her "baby" all night long.
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Sophie needs to study...damn
12/18/08

@BrutallyHonestBabes: You distract the woman, and when she turns her head--BAM! You take the virginity. Simple, really.
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Jack_Burton
12/18/08

@tonightineed is no longer yeasty: It may be colloquial and folksy, but winning a young lady a stuffed animal and buying her some cotton candy have always hedged the bet for me....
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ItchykooParker
12/18/08

@Sophie needs to study...but isn't: lofl. Thank you.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/18/08

@tonightineed is no longer yeasty: "Tactful" is such an odd adjective, too. Like you're doing something fundamentally rude and need to find a not-rude way to "handle" the "situation."
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Penny_Esq
12/18/08

@KrisP: This brings to mind that skeevy Rod Stewart song, "Tonight's the Night."
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/18/08

@Sophie needs to study...but isn't: That's how Kang and Kodos do it...
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Jack_Burton
12/18/08

@2pint: (kidding about the cotton candy, etc. - BTW)
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DangerMouse
12/18/08

@Sophie needs to study...but isn't: And her wallet, just for good measure.
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HannahBethD
12/18/08

@tonightineed is no longer yeasty: Certainly anything would be better than my first time which involved no foreplay (except a blow job for him) and when I said that it hurt, the reply I got was 'I told you it was going to hurt.' Oh, and he stared right at me the entire time. Yeah, it sucked mightily.
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LindsayC: doctoral hilarity ensues
12/18/08

In reply to The (New) Joy of Sex
There was a family who lived down the street from me who had this book on the bottom shelf of their bookcase. I used to go there before school sometimes and I would always try to sneak a peek. I always knew where my dad kept his dirty mags too- even when he moved them to avoid detection. What was wrong with me as a child?
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Hazel
12/18/08

@LindsayC: doctoral hilarity ensues: I used to sneak peeks at my parents' sex books too... it's how I found out what a penis looked like.
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Sophie needs to study...damn
12/18/08

@LindsayC: doctoral hilarity ensues: Oh honey...a lot. A lot was wrong with you as a child.

Me? I openly read passages of Sex and the American Teenager proudly and displayed the book on my desks prominently in school.
But what you did...now that's just sick.
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ButtonGwinnett
12/18/08

@LindsayC: doctoral hilarity ensues: We're the same person?

I would also sneak into my mother's library at night and read Lady chatterly with a flashlight.

It's really not surprising that I grew up to be a big ladyslut.
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Hazel
12/18/08

@azliza: also, the sex parts of "she's come undone" were a huge part of my sexual awakening.
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Atomic Monkey Mouse
12/18/08

@LindsayC: doctoral hilarity ensues: Absolutely nothing was wrong with you. I promise.
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LindsayC: doctoral hilarity ensues
12/18/08

@ButtonGwinnett: My mom had a bunch of VC Andrews, but that was as dirty as she got. My dad had the good stuff. I always say everything I learned about sex, I learned from Foot Fetish. Also, I thought the articles in Playboy were booooo-ring.
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LindsayC: doctoral hilarity ensues
12/18/08

@AtomicMonkeyMouse: Well, there was the time that I introduced my Mormon friend to the pornographic version of Alice in Wonderland. That was pretty wrong. But I was young; I didn't know any better.
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