Jezebel
future so bright
Posts Tagged “
the iraq
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future so bright
crappy hour
Leona Helmsley's Dog May Not Talk, But He Can Sort Of Explain The Recession
Today's evidence the economy is going straight to the Inferno: 600 Starbucks stores are closing, which will leave a gaping hole in the anchor of countless strip malls and exurban power centers. Oil prices have sunk car sales and rentals to historic lows, and the fact no one is traveling anymore has left casinos struggling to pay the power bills. How did the whole world collapse so quickly? If only Leona Helmsley's dog could talk, folks! (Nobody knows the trouble Trouble has seen.) See, fundamentally not much has changed, but the nature of the market is to exaggerate. Oil prices, which should maybe be around $100 a barrel, have been driven up by speculators. GM stock is at a 53-year low over car sales that are only at a 10-year low. Casinos are power-greedy structures that are generally loaded down with a few billion dollars in debt before they even open and there are 11,500 Starbucks locations that will stick around to sate your dependence on caffeinated milkshakes. But as Leona Helmsley once pointed out, only the little people pay taxes, and only the little people really have to worry about this recession stuff. Dick Grasso is keeping his $140 million payout, the CEO of Starbucks is keeping his billion dollar net worth, and little Trouble here is keeping his $100,000-a-year bodyguard services. That, torture and Obama's mortgage with me and Megan after the jump. More »
crappy hour
The Evilest Evildoer In Administration Evil Shows His Evil Face!
Meet David Addington, Dick Cheney's Dick Cheney, the dark force behind the dark force behind the defenestration of the constitution. You may have met him before, via that New Yorker piece wherein Colin Powell tries to get it through someone's thick skull that the Bush Administration doesn't care about the Constitution. But you have never before probably seen the bearlike Baddington, because they don't let him out; he scares too many other Republicans. But! Yesterday he testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee. And oh my god he did not disappoint! He tugged on his beard! He was radioactive with disdain! "I'm glad the terrorists finally get to see you!" one congressman "joked." So what motivates such a man? As a child, he wore black socks with shorts and subscribed to the notion of "the divine right of kings." As an adult, his views were hardened by the sad sad spectacle of the Church Committee, which put a damper on the ability of future presidents to pull off the sort of assassinations, coups, North Korean-inspired mind-control experiments, and warrantless wiretapping Nixon had so loved. Megan and I on the man with the Grace of Gollum and John McCain's sexism, whether feminists should buy guns, and Stevie Wonder's iPod after the jump. More »
How Does Lara Logan Get Iraq News On National TV? A Little Thing She Learned From The Terrorists…
Lara Logan is a CBS News correspondent in Iraq who just got a big promotion after telling Jon Stewart last that the "soldiers feel forgotten." The promotion means she will come back to DC, which won't necessarily help the soldiers' predicament much, but…well, I'd say at least she probably won't die, but she said herself on national television that watching American television news makes her want to kill herself. If you haven't seen the clip yet, — or if you were too distracted by how fucking gorgeous she is to catch everything she said about self-censorship and the plight of the soldiers and how scant coverage of the latest massive roadside bombing that left more than 50 dead might suggest we've become dehumanized or something — click the picture. (Or if that's too depressing, check our literary critique of Vogue's impressive profile of Ms. Logan.) [Daily Show]
crappy hour
Obama Is A Machiavellian Ari Gold Sellout! Will Scarlett Johansson Notice?
Yesterday while Crappy Hour was in progress Barack Obama totally sold out the like MAJOR ISSUE OF HIS WHOLE POLITICAL CAREER and we didn't really talk about it because the campaign's media fellater relations department still hadn't distributed its key talking points, but then they sent out this video and as you can see, there is really no need for Obama to take $80 million from you taxpayers in the interest of running a "clean" campaign if he has made quite enough money already collecting from clean individuals like you and me! (Put another way: why build a welfare state when, like Toqueville pointed out, Americans have such a rich tradition of charity, concern for fellow man etc?) Anyway, so it's Friday, which means that even if we don't think this financing thing is such a huge biggie David Brooks is using it as a chance to dissuade Scarlett Johansson from carrying such a heaving torch for Obama by likening him to a fictional soulless Jew and Peggy Noonan is reminding us again of the meaning of life and everyone else is still fighting about oil and Megan and I try to get to the bottom of how much we can blame the crap economy on the war and get distracted by cute patriotic dogs. More »
crappy hour
Oil: There's No Doubt, We're In Deep Guys!
So Big Oil is finally going to get some payback for its tireless efforts promoting that disastrous invasion of The Iraq! Megan and I are sooooo happy for them. The "unusual" no-bid contracts about to be awarded to Exxon, BP, Shell, Total and Chevron reunite all the original partners in the Iraq Petroleum Company that held a monopoly on Iraqi oil exploration until 1961 when some communist decided that wasn't "fair" to the Iraqi people and nationalized oil, which is incidentally what the Republicans are accusing the Democrats of trying to do over here. Newt Gingrich was on Fox this morning telling everyone America needs to "Declare Energy Independence" on July 4 this year but like this apparently Robert Palmer inspired propaganda poster points out we're probably going to have to figure out how to detox somehow, which would be one thing if we had some sort of growing employment sector to withstand the rising prices, like the South Koreans who are busy making all the ships out there looking for oil. That and Obama says no thanks to a nationalized campaign, some Bear Stearns guys get arrested and Larry Sinclair is insane with me and Megan after the jump. More »
the iraq
Mom Who Fled Her Honor Killing Husband In Basra Shot Down On Street; How You Can Help
For weeks the story of the lovelorn Basra teenager who was beaten to death by her father and brothers in a crime met with high-fives and applause by the local law enforcement authorities has…well, gone relatively unnoticed in the Western press, perhaps because it's so fucking depressing. And now it's over. Layla Hussein, the heartbroken mother who fled her husband over the killing — unsurprisingly he blamed his wife's genes for his daughter's sins, because his side of the family was clearly so fucking pure — is dead. After spending the past few weeks hopping among safe houses, she was assassinated in a drive-by shooting as she got out of a car to meet someone who was supposed to help smuggle her to Jordan. Now the anonymous women's rights aid agency that attempted to smuggle Leila out of the country is trying to smuggle itself — but they're out of money. We contacted the Guardian to see whether, um, we might redirect some of the week's drinking funds to a more worthwhile cause? More »
news roundup
"This Is Not The Scott We Know…"
- Dana Perino used the word "puzzled" to describe the Bush Administration's reaction to Scott McClellan's takedown, which is funny because, as we "reported" earlier, he used the word "puzzled" to describe his reaction to President Bush's puzzlement over the fact that people would get upset about him starting a trillion dollar war for no actual reason. [AP]
- The shitty way economic growth begets famine. [NY Times]
- The thing no one mentions about this "Rock Band" game, which I have only experienced as an observer, is how listening to people playing it is sort of like that time Roseanne sang the national anthem, only for hours because it's so "addictive." [Salon]
the fog of dude
The "Natalie Portman Breakup Fantasy" That Got One Soldier Through The Iraq War
What possessed the vast preponderance of the humans throughout history to endure the misery of everyday existence? Yeah, I would still be wasting time pondering that sort of thing, which is why I read the weekend's Modern Love, the work of a soldier recently home from Iraq, where he went in pursuit of that abject wretchedness of which so much of my generation has been deprived. He lived in an abandoned building without running water among rotting corpses and constant mortar fire. The temperature hovered around 120 and he got a shower every 6 to 12 days. "It was everything I had ever hoped to experience in the military. It really was," he says. And the thing that got him through: fantasizing about Natalie Portman. Or more to the point: fantasizing about dumping Natalie Portman.
More »
news roundup
President Bullshit
- George W. Bush is in Israel right now where he equated Obama with Hitler over his suggestion that he meet with Ahmadinejad. I guess in Israel they have to smile when he talks but Knesset Speaker Dalia Itzik doesn't look like her heart is in it. [Wash Post]
- Joe Biden and most Democrats not named Joseph Lieberman rejected and denounced Bush's "bullshit"/"malarkey." [Politico]
- Oh wait, but the Bushes were actually great friends with the Nazis. So maybe he meant the Hitler thing as a compliment? [Guardian]
- (Dear Jews: Just remember, no one forgets what they learned at summer camp!)
crappy hour
Good Morning, Voters! I'm Calling On Behalf Of "Women Voices." If You Are Confused, My Mission Is Accomplished!
In which we adopt the persona of Women's Voices. Women Vote robocaller and misinformation chief Lamont Williams, if he only had a voice.
Yo voters, this is Lamont, calling because you need to register to vote. Oh really? You already registered? But did you ever receive the packet? Did you send in the detailed form? Because we explicitly stated on every packet that you were required to send in the form. All right, to be sure, you are not required to send in the form to vote, per se, but to be registered. And you need to register! To vote. Women's Voices, Women Vote has even kindly provided me with some dates and deadlines, although they are mostly, to be honest with you sisters, completely arbitrary and false and I suspect only generated to elicit the sort of mass confusion popularized by Karl Rove, but I'm a cynic. Five years after Bush said so, I also don't believe, ladies, that the Mission was actually Accomplished, or that Saddam Hussein orchestrated September 11, or that Guantanamo is really such a decent place to retire. And as far as I know, Barack Obama isn't Muslim and the United States did not invent AIDS, but maybe I am paying too much attention to these two winos named Moe and Megan... More ».jpg)
news roundup
Pope Offers Pro-Choice Politicians A Very Light Snack
- Oh my GOD POLITICIANS WHO UPHOLD THE RIGHT TO A BABYKILLING RECEIVED THE BODY OF CHRIST DESPITE KILLING BABIES. What is next, women who actually have submitted their wombs to this murderous murder method? The abortion doctors themselves? WHAT IF THE VIRGIN MARY HAD MADE THIS SO CALLED "CHOICE"?? No one would have believed her rape kit! [AP]
- Oh fuck, a debate tonight. [Philly]
- With apologies to SinisterRouge...[Huffington Post]
- And here's a concession: Barry started wearing the flag pin again. Authentic! [LAT]
- Maybe he is just proud of the country for embracing its own bitterness and John McCain for praising his race speech and Hillary Clinton for getting drunk. Hey, I'm proud almost proud myself... [AP]
- Which brings us to...where can you see the word "fuck" more than Jezebel? Our military barracks' bathrooms in the Middle East. A fucking awesome photo essay. [Walrus]
news roundup
"I'm Trying To Get To An Endpoint. That's What All Of Us Are Trying To Do."
- That's actually a Barack Obama quote, but he speaks for David Petraeus's friend Angelina Jolie too, who spent the day in DC talking about the importance of education in the Iraq so as the children have the audacity to hope and not just the audacity to engage in sectarian violence. [Reuters]
- Elsewhere in Washington, Gen. Petraeus got to meet all the U.S. Senators. Hillary appeared more disdainful, yet less confrontational than in previous hearings, while Obama was better prepared than before and McCain said something truly idiotic. In other McCain news, here is some news that will absolutely shock you. [Wash Post]
- Elsewhere in Angelina land, something involving Mariane Pearl. [People]
- Castration for sex offenders; from the state that brought you the drive-through Daiquiri.[NOLA]
- The creepiest story to emerge from the Olympic protests so far. [Daily Mail]
clips
'Miss USA' Marketers: Watch This Pageant Cuz Pretty Chicks Are Idiots!
It's taken us a while to get around to this, but the new commercial for the Miss USA pageant — airing on NBC on April 11 — is sort of a mindfuck. Instead of sweeping previous embarrassing moments under the rug, NBC is embracing them and encouraging TV watchers to tune in because they might just see a beautiful woman slip and fall on her ass, or babble on about "the Iraq." Such as. Sure, they use the tagline, "Anything can happen — because it's live", but really, they're gleefully humiliating and mocking the girls who participate as well as their own damn programming. Correct me if I'm wrong. Clip above.
crappy hour
Barack Obama Would Rather Be Shooting Dunks And Fathering Illegitimate Children. (Duh!)
In a telling interview with the erudite Philadelphia radio program The Angelo Cataldi Show, Barack Obama said he would rather be Dr. J than president. (Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, gave some speech comparing herself to Rocky Balboa while wearing a fuchsia blazer.) Feminist hero Heidi Montag of The Hills announced her endorsement of John McCain, and her on-again boyfriend Spencer Pratt immediately shot back that he didn't think "anyone cares who Heidi Montag votes for." Well shit, Spencer, you know better than anyone that at least as many people care about Heidi's political stances as the fact that John McCain thinks Muqtada al Sadr is the one who came begging for a ceasefire, and that's way more than the number of people who care about the release of some 2003 Bush Administration memo authorizing torture-esque torture strategies, and even that is wayyyy more than the number of people who will sit still long enough to watch Errol Morris' new movie so...where was I? OMG EVILDOERS TRIED TO BLOW UP DISNEYLAND! Glamocracy's Megan and I are soooooo glad they didn't succeed. More »
news roundup
Really, Eliot? You Interfaced With This?
- Commenting on an Eliot Spitzer whore scandal is vaguely as exciting than reading about the intricacies of trade negotiations — and also, somewhat less important — but I had to point out this quote from a source close to Kristin "Billie" Davis (who "hails from a rough-in-tumble California trailer park.") "She personally interfaced with Spitzer a number of times." Wow, "interface." That used to be corporate jargon for "talked to" and now it is being used to denote... bareback anal. [NYP]
- "His sex appeal lies in being a successful businessman and politician. Women like a guy who is in control, and a man who knows what he wants." That's the editor-in-chief of Playgirl on why she'd like to land Eliot Spitzer for a cover shoot incorporating a young woman in a Girls Gone Wild T-shirt. I know; you're creaming just thinking of interfacing with it right? [US]
- Wait, speaking of: raunchy outtakes from the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog are now being sold as a $200 "art" book. [NYP]
- Wait, no, really speaking of, Barack Obama was interviewed by Maria Bartiromo, who tried to paint him as some sort of Hugo Chavez character by baiting him with a question about the Fed's bailout of Bear, to which he said, "Well, I wasn't privy to Bear Stearns' balance sheet." He doesn't sound like a socialist! [CNBC]
crappy hour
And The $300 Million Defense Contract Goes To...The 22-Year-Old Abusive Boyfriend Who Never Had A Job!
Do you ever wonder, where do the weapons our Pentagon is buying to supply the Afghan counterinsurgency actually come from? Well, duh, China, but, let's start over. Meet Efraim Diveroli. He has some sort of $300 million Pentagon contract to supply ammunition to the government. He also has: never had a real job, a drinking problem, a woman with a restraining order against him, a beautiful headquarters in the heart of Miami Beach, a 25-year-old VP whose only certification in anything is that he is a licensed masseur, and wiretaps of him talking about bribing the Albanian defense department by sending him whores. And all of this makes sense because Efraim Diveroli is 22 YEARS OLD. Yeah, we talked about our allies in Pakistan and John McCain, Chelsea Clinton and that douchebag who asked her about Monica, polling data, where that Bosnia story really came from, Donald Trump, corporate profits and our hangovers — oh and don't miss the riveting discussion of our Facebook horoscopes and Diddy and Tupac— but shit gets really epic when Glamocracy's Megan and I get down to...which under-25 year old Israeli mob arms dealer we'd rather get down with! Jump. More »
crappy hour
