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Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You

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tscheese
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
Am I the only one who doesn't really have anything horrible to say about my exes? I've dated some really decent guys with whom I ultimately had differences with, and whether I was the breakup-er or the breakup-ee, I guess I haven't dated any truly horrible people. Granted, I've only had two relationships thus far that I'd consider "serious" (outside of going on dates and such--I don't really consider that serious.) But I just can't wish any rancor towards any of my exes. They're nice people who grew away from me or I grew away from them.

I might just be really isolated and/or lucky.
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FourInchHeels
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
Alright, time to clue in the naive one ... will one of you define face fucking for me? I was going to google it, but then thought better of it.
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Shamrockette
12/02/08

@FourInchHeels: It's basically forced oral sex.
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Shamrockette
12/02/08

@Shamrockette: It's also more brutal and hardcore.

Stupid mouse clicked 'submit' before I was ready.
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FourInchHeels
12/02/08

@Shamrockette: Well that's all sorts of graphic and seemingly awful. Thank you for the answer, though!
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tomatoheart
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
I've been doing these little creative-non-fiction exercises called "Love Lessons" that are vague comments on my feelings towards various past partners. I find this to be a very cathartic expression of both my faults and theirs

most of them are public (and not numbered in any particular order)
[delicatetbone.livejournal.com]
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seresy
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
I keep being tempted to send my ex a thank you note, but I'm afraid it would be received as cattier than I intend... He decided he wasn't ready to be married a bit less than 2 months into the marriage, marries his next girlfriend (who showed up not long after the split and ragged on me to everyone because I was the ex. Can we have some topic related to that one day?), has a kid, lives in the same town working the same job and sitting in the same rut.

I met an awesome guy, moved to Europe (to NL, which is like pothead mecca, to boot), civilly unioned said guy, and my life is better than it ever has been. Who wouldn't get the urge to send a "if you hadn't done that, my life wouldn't be anywhere as good as it is now, thank you" postcard once in a while? Sincerely AND to rub it in a little (lot)?

The thing holding me back is the suspicion that karma would bite me in the ass before it even reached him.
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seresy
12/02/08

@seresy: And the point of that whole thing is, I won't talk much crap about him for a couple of reasons. The first is that he is a decent guy. Immature and spoiled, yes, but a good guy. The second is that he did me the biggest favor ever by destroying my world for that while.

I was with him, and all of my other exes, for various reasons. Without them and all I went through, I wouldn't be where I am physically or mentally. It's a happier mindset than "what an asshole" ever could be.
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FourInchHeels
12/02/08

@seresy: I heard a really interesting take on shitty situations last week. This woman's world had gone to pieces and she was miserable, jobless, homeless, friendless, and alone. And the response was - This is an excellent opportunity. All the things that weren't working for you are gone, and you may now build exactly the life you would like to have.

What a neat way of thinking about it! I'm glad you are far enough past the bad patch to see what it was able to help you create that's so much better
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Smartipants
12/03/08

@seresy: Let's write a joint letter to our exes! I found mine on a mutual friends Facebook account the other day and he married the woman he cheated on me with.He's still with her, two kids, living in same crappy place we lived. I however, moved to NL too and have fabulous jet setting life. No cute Dutchie to be civil unioned with yet but you never know!!!

Dear Ex,

I thought you ruined my life at the time. But you didn't! You kick started it into a better place. Thank you again for setting me free to have a fabulous life.

Yours truly,

formerly bitter ex girlfriend.
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furthermore
12/03/08

@Smartipants:

Dear Ex,

I really wish things could've worked out between us. It's unfortunate I want kids one day and you don't. I miss talking to you, I miss having a best friend like you and it's weird not having you around anymore. But I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity and the freedom to be able to do whatever I want when I want is amazing. I'm really glad I didn't waste years of my life hoping that you would change your mind and miss a chance to meet someone who does want all those things. Also, I'm looking forward to falling in love again (hopefully), and the butterflies you get in your stomach when you're not sure if someone likes you or not. And I like feeling more like myself again, rather than being 'furthermore and x' or 'x's' girlfriend (he would be so insulted that I've said that).

Anyway, I wish you all the good will in the world. You are an amazing person and I love you. I hope you find someone who makes you really happy. And I know it's totally unreasonable, but please don't meet someone new before I do. Thanks.

Yours Furthermore.

(ach, now I feel a bit teary. it's only been one month post break-up. but I guess feel a bit better too. sorry for emoting all over the internet guys).
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ItchykooParker
12/03/08

@furthermore: Awww, you have a lovely attitude. I hope you get all good things coming your way, and soon. XOX
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flucky
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
I thought the difference between "venting" online and criminal libel is that libel must be defamatory, UNTRUE, and likely to cause harm to the subject? So just posting about your loser exes is A-OK, provided they really are losers.

But why does the Colorado law specify "criminal" libel? Isn't libel in itself a crime - do we talk about criminal burglary, criminal assault, etc? Seems like criminal redundancy.

Lawyers?
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Cesybabe or Nirvanah Crane
12/02/08

@allibot: I'm not particularly familiar with American law, but there may also be civil libel, which requires that the sort of libel be specified. Criminal libel will be prosecuted by the state, civil libel would be prosecuted by his wife (in this case).
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GuyNermit
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
I trashed my ex exactly one time, in exactly one place: in court. I think that's the only place you'd ever really need to do it.

I succeeded in preventing him from getting the sole custody of our kids that he had sued for.

Sometimes you just have to stand up and tell the truth, people. And present solid evidence to back up what you say.

But on a blog? At random times in conversation? No, you gotta let that go, it'll just bring you down.
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Mdmrptr
12/02/08

@GuyNermit: Many people also do not understand that in a context such as yours, court is the only place where this should be done. As I'm sure you're probably aware, most family court orders actually include a "do not disparage the other person" type of clause in them - particularly to or around the children.
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Cesybabe or Nirvanah Crane
12/02/08

@Mdmrptr: God I wished they worked. So uncomfortable to hear my ex mother in law bitch and moan her ex-husband in front of their 12 year old son, in relation to child support for the 12 year old. Just.Not.Appropriate.
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dirtybee
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
I always wished I had the balls to trash an ex's car or see him in public and yell that he had a small dick or just raise some hell - but instead, I just stayed away and didn't do shit. Was it the best form of revenge? I don't know.
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morninggloria
12/02/08

@dirtybee says we bee obama jammin: When he sees you making out with your new, cuter boyfriend during your lunch hour (I know, classy), and you don't realize that he saw you or was anywhere around you until he sends you a forlorn email later that day.
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dirtybee
12/02/08

@morninggloria: Haha yea I don't get "missed" that often. :-(
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Cesybabe or Nirvanah Crane
12/02/08

@dirtybee says we bee obama jammin: Threatened revenge got me a threatened police call which threatened my law degree. I stayed away from revenge after that. Yes, I'm a wuss.
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dirtybee
12/02/08

@Cesybabe or Nirvanah Crane: That makes two wussies right here :-)
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Crabby Cakes
12/02/08

@dirtybee says we bee obama jammin: I used to feel that way too. I wish I had just done SOMETHING to get back at him for lying and cheating and being an all around awful human being. Then years later, when I was moved on and living with someone else and really truly happy- he came crawling back. His life was a complete wreck and he saw me as the only good thing that had happened to him over the last 5 years. I was all prepared to gloat and be happy, but instead pity was all I felt and that was SUCH a great, freeing feeling, cause I knew I came out better and stronger in the end.

Of course, now he's stalking me and harrassing me cause he is CONVINCED we're soul mates and we're destined to be together, so maybe I should have gone the crazy revenge route.
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chatterboxwriting
12/02/08

@dirtybee says we bee obama jammin: You are a better person for it. One of my exes never laid a hand on me, but was incredibly emotionally/verbally abusive. We lived together, and I could never get away because I paid all the rent, food bills, etc. and never had anything left over to form an "escape plan." He'd threaten to kill me and bury me under his swimming pool, and he told me if I ever accidentally got pregnant, it wouldn't be a problem because he'd just kick me down the stairs and take care of it. When I left him (I went to my boss, whom I was very close with, and ask for a pay advance so I could get the hell out), I gave him a $10 bill, and he asked what it was for. I said, "this is so your ex-girlfriend can buy a magnifying glass, because she's going to need it to find your dick."

It was mean, but it made me feel better at the time, and at least I did it to him alone and not in front of his friends.
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chatterboxwriting
12/02/08

@chatterboxwriting: Fuck. I meant 1) askED for a pay advance and 2) so your NEW girlfriend can buy a magnifying glass.
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NerD: Blattella
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
This is hitting a little close to home, because the former future Mrs. NerD!!! and I split a couple of weeks ago.

We'd been together for over 2 years, and about a week after it became public, most of my friends came in and started a laundry list of things they didn't like about her. I understand the need for doing that, but honestly, it doesn't help.

Also Psych 101, whatever you say about another person says absolutely nothing about them, and everything about your own values. So what does it say about me that I have friends who think it's ok to bag on my ex after the relationship ends.

Blech, I like my cave better than this introspection.
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SisterMaryMartha
12/02/08

@NerD!!!: Devil's advocate:perhaps there were many things about the person that they didn't like- and only felt free to say so, after you were broken up. Which is still not fun.
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Grim Reaper of the Forest
12/02/08

@NerD!!!: They might be jerks, but they are probably just trying to make you feel better.
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gerbilsoutofexile...is cheap and easy
12/02/08

@NerD!!!: Sorry to hear about the breakup, but that's a whole lot of money you don't have to spend on someone else for the holidays!

After my ex-fiance broke up with me right before Christmas, I took the money I had saved to spend on him and bought myself diamond stud earrings.

Get yourself something nice!
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exelizabeth
12/02/08

@NerD!!!: That's rough. I mean, in break-ups there are rarely villains and good guys. Sometimes I think hearing the bad things your friends think just makes you want to get back together, like, "Oh, but you didn't know them like I do..."

Even if a relationship needs to end, it also needs to be mourned, you know? Unless it was utterly abusive, there are good things that died with it. Be sure to let yourself mourn.
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georgina
12/02/08

@NerD!!!: You should tell your friends that it is not helping and is actually bothering you. My sister & her fiance just split because he is a lying cheating piece of shit. That said, when they finally decided to end things, she flat out told our family & close friends that she didn't want to hear a bunch of negative things about him or the whole "You've made the right decision; this is for the best; etc." She's just not ready for all that. It has been tough (remember the lying & cheating piece of shit part), but I have restrained myself from saying too much. But your friends may not know its bothering you & just think they're helping you.
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NerD: Blattella
12/02/08

@georgina: That's exactly what I said. Essentially, every time I told someone about the breakup, I told them it was mutual, I still like her, and they should keep the cattyness to themselves.
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peperony and chease
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
Whatevs. If your ex told you you got your STD from swimming in the river, you'd bitch about it until the end of time too.
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jofletcher
12/02/08

@peperony and chease: NO!! are you serious???!! That is a special kind of ex who should have shit talked about him until the end of time... the story should be passed down from generation to generation.
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peperony and chease
12/02/08

@jofletcher: True story. His other theories were that I got it from thrift store pants or rotten eggplant. He never would admit to doing me dirty. But things have a way of working out. The boy who did the wrongest shit ever to me ended up with ulcerative colitis. I savored a nice Beaujolais with that news.
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YourScreenplaySucks
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
How nastily someone talks about/treats their ex is a screening tool for me.

You may be his little angel now, but if he's in the habit of trashing & wreaking vengeance on past gf's/wives, you better believe that once the divorce goes through, you and your naked pictures are going to be making a starring appearance on Bitchstolemykids.com
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Macloserboy
12/02/08

@Your Screenplay Sucks: This is what got me about Ellen Barkin and Ron Perlman. When they were dating the man was publicly trashing his ex. I had to wonder why she didn't see the writing on the wall. Ironically, years later during the divorce he's actually silent while she's, not flat out trashing but making many insinuating comments. Hmmm. Maybe that was water seeking its own level after all.
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YourScreenplaySucks
12/02/08

@Macloserboy:

I'm guessing the thought process for people who date ex-trashers went something like, "Hmmm, he's sure being vicious about this person. However, this implies nothing about his character, personality, or our future together because she really is a psycho & a liar and his rage is legitimate & understandable. I'm nothing like that skank, so I don't have to worry about it". Everyone always thinks it's going to "be different" with them.
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jofletcher
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
I don't need to insult my exes... they do a perfectly good job of it themselves just be existing.
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jofletcher
12/02/08

@jofletcher:

I don't need to insult my exes... they do a perfectly good job of it themselves just BY existing.
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veronykah
12/02/08

@jofletcher: I am pretty much in the same boat. I know they are douches, and inevitably they will do the same douchey thing to another girl.

Just being themselves is punishment enought.

I will talk shit with VERY close friends though, sometimes you need to! Other than that I confine it to calling them douches and leave it to the other persons imagination.
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gerbilsoutofexile...is cheap and easy
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
What about when they lie and tell everyone you know that you gave them herpes, when the opposite is true, and he got from cheating, for gawd's sake?

Either way, everyone knows you have the herp.
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ceejeemcbeegee is not here
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
This is why I can never get a blog post done: midway thru typing I realize I'm the one with the problem and how can I disguise this situation without revealing too much about people I shouldn't give a crap about anymore and who the heck cares what I think anyway lemme go to a movie instead.
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PilgrimSoul
12/02/08

@ceejeemcbeegee: I am the same way, my friend. I'd like to say it makes me insightful, but I also think I just can't stand up for myself.

For example: I have a delicious CEFAD-in-waiting, but I cannot bring myself to submit it because I don't want t be "mean."
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St. Francis of a Sissy
12/02/08

@PilgrimSoul: Girl, why are you holding out on us?! Change those names and send it in!
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sybann
12/02/08

@PilgrimSoul: You are being mean by depriving us. Working?
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PilgrimSoul
12/02/08

@St. Francis of a Sissy: @sybann: @I fought piranhas: @egg cream: you guys would not believe the avalanche of PMs this has provoked.
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gerbilsoutofexile...is cheap and easy
12/02/08

@PilgrimSoul: This is twice today you've held out on us.

Pay out!
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FourInchHeels
12/02/08

@PilgrimSoul: Well GOOD! Not sending in the CEFAD is also being horribly mean. We haven't had a good one in quite some time, we're long overdue. Stop holding out, woman!
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nellicat
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
It always makes me vaguely uncomfortable when my friends rag on my ex. I mean, yeah, the guy's an asshole and a narcissist and a bully and a cheater, but I married him and had two children with him. So . . . what does that say about me? I had the good sense to leave him, at least, but it is still weird hearing "Man, what a jerk!" about the man I thought I'd love forever.
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EdnasEdibles
12/02/08

@nellicat: Maybe you should puke on him so instead your friends would say "Remember when you puked on that jerk?" and then everyone would laugh and the mood would be lightened.
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St. Francis of a Sissy
12/02/08

@nellicat: This is why I make it a personal policy to try real, REAL hard never to say anything bad about people's exes. Stranger things have happened than two people breaking up and getting back together, and if that does happen, there's going to be weirdness between me and the person who I was talking shit about.
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SisterMaryMartha
12/02/08

@St. Francis of a Sissy: I have never liked and will never like and have never refrained from expressing my opinion about my best friend's husband.

I am sure this does not shock you. Heh.

Aside from her situation, I generally just try to say- "oh who needs, him?" to friends instead of bagging on the person.
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hetaira
12/02/08

@nellicat: Agreed. Whenever a friend describes my ex as "ugly" or "not good enough for you" or says that she never understood what I saw in him, I take it really personally. I understand that she's entitled to her opinion or is maybe trying to make me feel better for getting dumped, but it hurts my feelings and makes me wonder exactly what she's saying about me. What were we saying about narcissism?

@St. Francis of a Sissy: I'm with you, I try never to comment on exes. Even with my friend who's finally left her abusive, controlling, psycho husband, I try to be supportive without bashing him. She can say whatever she wants about him, but I'm just going to listen and be there for her and make sure she knows she deserves someone wonderful.
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Crabby Cakes
12/02/08

@St. Francis of a Sissy: Man, have I learned that the hard way. Now, when my friend rags on her abusive ex and SWEARS it is ABSOLUTELY OVER this time, I just sit back and let her vent without adding my 2 cents. I've had too many friendship fails by sharing what I thought about someones' ex cause I thought it was over with them.
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tomatoheart
12/02/08

@hetaira: I have a friend who I can't even speak to anymore because she's in a horrible abusive relationship. I gave up trying to talk to her, because all she could do was talk about how great he is -- or try to defend him. I gave her the number for a local women and children's shelter and my number and told her if she ever needed me, I'd be there. Horrible situation though.
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SisterMaryMartha
12/02/08

@hetaira: Hm. I don't know. My friend is still married to someone who is controlling and psycho- I do tell her when he is wrong and why he is wrong.
Such as, when he told her recently that if she wouldn't have sex with him- it would force him to cheat because men have needs and can't help themselves and the bible says so. I find that I am her only voice of support- and why she shouldn't believe the stuff that is said to her.
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exelizabeth
12/02/08

@nellicat: Yeah, during this summer when my boyfriend and I were broken up (but still involved) it was we weird to me how people jump to ragging on him even when they barely knew him, and before I gave any indication that that's what I wanted to do.

It's such an easy thing to fall into, though, when you're trying to comisserate with someone about a break up; I've for sure been guilty of it. "Oh, he wasn't good enough for you." Like realizing that would make it any better. I think it's just something to say when you can't think of anything else.
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ceejeemcbeegee is not here
12/02/08

@nellicat: Yeah, I have a friend who keeps harping on an ex of mine.... from ten. years. ago.) She'll say things like What were you thinking?!

or remind me how short he was. I'm wondering, I've gotten over him, why can't you?

Frankly, I think it's just hater-ade.
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Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka
12/02/08

In reply to Insulting Your Ex: It's All About You
Insulting Your Ex: It's All About Me airing the personal dirty laundry of years of being with a narcissistic selfish shithead. Who deserves my disgust.

Yeah - It is all about me!
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Crabby Cakes
12/02/08

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: Sounds like the beginnings of a gripping Lifetime Original Movie(TM).
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