#1 "…Make him lose his shirt."
There's a one-page layout in the front of the book that offers a handful of random ideas on want to do in the month of December. The different suggestions are wholly unrelated and don't seem to work toward a common goal, other to give women who have no idea how to spend the next 31 days something to do, but one of them is sex advice related:

Why don't you make him lose his shirt. Betting on funny stuff with your guy will turn this into one very sexy month. For example, wager whether your your boss will rock his reindeer tie at the office party. Competition amps up sexual tension, so once you win, ask for a heavenly full-body massage.

I was down with this one, as I love massages, sexual tension, and gambling. My man and I were already in the middle of a Trivial Pursuit kick when I happened upon this tip, so I suggested that the next time we play, we ante up some sex acts. He loved this. I, of course, opted for a full body massage, per Cosmo's wisdom, and then I received this email of the top five sex acts he'd like if he won, that he sent from work:

1) Full BJ: no time limit, no evidence (as in: swallowing)
2) Titty spray!
3) Um, how bout Hitachi plus doggy-style plus lubed finger in ass? That
could be good.
4) Interbreastsial coitus followed by jizz reservoir in that little throat
valley (you can throw in the Hitachi cuz I'm not a sore winner)
5) A long, luxurious foot rub. Kidding! Ball trim into HJ into ride em
cowboy, silly!

And that's just off the top of my head! Better brush up on your sports...

The only one I wasn't into was number one, mainly because the volume of his ejaculate is so freakishly large that I don't think I'd be able to handle it without some coming out of my nose. The next time we played Trivial Pursuit, I won. By the time we were done, though, I was too tired to cash in on my full body rub. (I wanted the works and didn't want to use up my massage on a quickie rub down.) The next day we played, but I was three sheets to the wind and feeling sick, so no one was feeling sexy. We played again the next night (we haven't been getting out much), and it took us both so long to actually land in the center spot and answer correctly that when he finally won I had to go to bed, so I told him he'd have to take a rain check, which he's yet to cash.

Now there's this slight tension between us because we spend our down time after work playing long ass board games that go till all hours of the morning, leaving me too tired to make good on his sex wagers. He thought that there was something wrong because I had this awesome fun idea to boost our sex life, but hadn't followed through on the sex. It had gotten to this point where I felt like we couldn't have sex again until I can fulfill one of the acts listed above, so I was avoiding sex altogether, kinda like when you mean to return an email correspondence, but then you forget, and then before you know it, too much time has passed. In the meantime, he's all worried that I'm one of those mythical women who, once she's gotten a man to make a lifelong commitment, they suddenly stops putting out. Thanks, Cosmo, for giving us an issue I never thought I'd ever encounter.

#2 "Four Sex Surprises Guys Love"
On page 72, Cosmo tells me that guys are "truly blown away when you throw a little unexpected twist into the mix—which is not to say that you need to be crazy. Just try one of these subtle suggestions to have the desired effect." Okay, I thought, this should be pretty awesome. First one up:

a.) Get Frisky Before Freshening
Um, done and done. I work from home, which means I rarely get out of a muumuu or my PJs, even when walking the dog, so seeing me all done up has turned into a rare occasion for the dude. Secondly, ever since I discovered dry shampoo, I've pretty much whittled down my hygiene practices to a weekly shower. To put it nicely, I can't remember the last time we had sex and I couldn't smell my own butt.

b.) Be His Steamy Alarm Clock
Apparently, "every guy fantasizes about being woken up by a woman who's already gotten the action started." I interpreted this to mean that when a guy has morning wood, you're supposed to start sucking on it before he wakes up. This was a total fail on my part. I have to wake up really early for work, and I keep my laptop next to my bed and jump right into my day as soon as I open my eyes. Each morning, I mentally debated an attempt at this, but I was always too busy, and frankly, if I'm gonna crawl back into bed with him, you best believe my pillow, not his penis, will be receiving head.

c.) Stay Semiclothed
OK, TMI time! I was wearing some nude thigh-length Spanx, and I was trying to avoid having the dude see me in them, because I feel they were the antithesis of sexy. But he walked in on me getting changed and he was like, "What are you wearing."
I mumbled, "A girdle."
Confused he said, "A girl hole?"
And I was like, "No, it's Spanx. It's like a girdle, but actually, it does kind of have a 'girl hole.'" And then I showed him the easy-access crotch-opening, and his face lit up. Then he ate me out through my "girl hole."

d.) Turn On The Lights
Snooze. But yeah, check. It's kinda the same either way, I think.

#3 "Sex Up Your Primping"
In a little blurb on page 115, Cosmo tells me to put on my makeup while half-dressed. However, what Cosmo doesn't know is that I put on my makeup stark naked while listening to T.I., and my fiancé seems to really enjoy it.

#4 "Make Sex Even Sexier"
In a two-page spread, Cosmo urges me to "get all five senses working at once" while having sex, and provides a "sensory menu" for me to follow. I was a little concerned about this one (see #2, part A), but I went for it. The three menus are broken down into Sensual, Spicy, and Steamy.

For "sensual" I was supposed to eat chocolate with him, look into his eyes, light a candle, assemble a playlist of sexy songs and get naked in flannel sheets. Instead, we ate Andy Capp Hot Fries, looked at the TV, lit cigarettes and lounged naked in my T-shirt sheets. It was great!

The "spicy" menu wanted me to listen to world music. I'd rather never have sex again than have sex with a man who would be able to maintain an erection while listening to that stuff.

The "steamy" menu required me to go on a tropical vacation and do some stuff with coconuts. I'll get back to you on how this worked out when I win the lottery.

So that's it. For the most part, I think these tips made my sex life a lot more generic than normal, however, I'm still working on paying off my debt of the sex bet. I'm good for it, I swear!

Cosmpolitan [Official Site]

Earlier: Well Isn't The Cosmo "Sexy Issue" Just A Sexy Breath Of Fresh Sexual Sexy Sex Air!

Unfortunately, we're having trouble tracking down the cover of the April 2000 issue of Glamour (any leads? email me.) But our own Anna was employed at Glamour in 2000, and she says: "The rumor around the office was that the magazine was getting letters of complaint." Apparently kids in supermarket checkout lines were all, "Mommy, what's an orgasm face?"

But the worst part of this whole thing, of course, is the manufactured insecurity this kind of story is designed to instill. It's not enough that you have to worry about your pores, your body hair and your weight: Now you need to think about what you look like while in the throes of ecstasy. Because at the very moment when you're about to shudder from paroxysms of delight, your man is judging you. Didn't you know? And really, who cares how you're feeling in bed. What is he thinking? That's ladymag gold.

Jessica Simpson Gives Us the Usual Fare For Cosmo [PopSugar]
Glossy Garbage [American Family Association]
What Do You Think When You See Her Orgasm Face? [FAQs]

'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man [Onion News Network]

Aliens that resemble "little people who look strange to us" and possess technology that is much more "sophisticated" than ours and if they weren't so goddamn peaceful "we'd be gone by now." Which me wonder — and here's your "Jezebel angle," dykes! — are women more or less likely than men to believe this guy. Surely someone has polled them!

Okay, if you said "men" you can pat yourself on your surface area because 69% of men believe in life on other planets, to 51% of women, which reminded me I recently got an email from my uncle, an uncle who used to work at NASA, because he has a daughter who is somehow involved in this whole John Edwards love child scandal, and he thinks it is a shame that the mainstream media is not paying enough attention to it, not because it is so epically important but for the fact that he gave up on the space program a long time ago; decided it was a waste of money, that it was always going to be struggling for funding and relevance because too large a portion of its purpose was devoted to the investigation of Unknown Unknowns as they say, and people — women especially! I have the data to prove it! — don't really care much for investigating things they can't really control, which one one hand is fair enough, but on another hand, leaves us wasting time gossiping — oh my God, when in the UK I read this survey that said 80% of British women's workdays is spent somehow on gossip, which sounds doubtful to me but I can't prove it either way — about people and things we cannot control but at least know to be real, because they are incessantly being photographed, to the point that when some piece of gossip occurs like the Edwards scandal, whose credibility as I see it is primarily being undermined by the fact that we do not want it to be true, for the sake of Elizabeth or the children or whatever — we ignore it as part of an interesting new tradition I might call "Original Cynicism." We ignore it because we do not want to believe human nature to be that bad, even though we fully know it to be capable of far crueler, so we shut it out I guess and move on to the next animal picture, which is fine, sure, but puppies are not the beings with the far superior technology which could be deployed to obliterate us in a millisecond! Were their intentions malevolent. Which the aliens', apparently, are not! How interesting, right? That they are superior to us, and at the same time also possibly kinder! But Moe that is so sappy, you say, is that how you are going to end this post? But what can I say folks, if you have gotten this far into any of my posts without saying "I call bullshit" or "This makes no sense" you have made everything worthwhile for the past year and a half.

Aliens Exist, But NASA Covers Them Up, Says Astronaut [Telegraph]
Ed Mitchell Apollo 14
Edgar Mitchell [Wikipedia]
Do Americans Believe In Life On Other Planets? [Cosmic Paradigm]

I did the quiz again and chose B), and that got me labeled "Blindly Ambitious," which, in Cosmo world, is a no no. Because showing your ambition makes you seem like an undainty "bulldozer," and nobody likes that in a lady. Just for the good of womanity, I took the quiz a third time, and chose C) and other answers that were similarly manipulative. Like for the question, what do you do when you hear that your crush is dating another girl, you're supposed to "Snoop around to find out how serious they are. If it's just a casual thing, you can still make a play for him." When I choose those sorts of passive aggressive responses, Cosmo was delighted, and called me a "savvy goal-getter" who could manage to be simultaneously "likely to succeed…and likable." Sigh. The takeaway: stabbing your coworkers and friends in the back with your fuck-me heels is a-ok by Cosmo standards as long as you have a shit-eating grin on your perfectly glossed lips.

Are You Destined For Success? [Cosmopolitan]

Yeah, that's right: RAPE! An endlessly thrilling topic, whatever the social context! Especially at the beach, I can totally see this playing out so well:

DUDE: Hey, hotness. The keg may be tapped, but I can show you a clothes dryer where a quarter-bottle of Malibu has our names engraved on them…

'COSMO' READER: Um, cool! So like, did you know, that if you slip something in my drink, I can totally find out if you had sex with my unconscious body the next day without having to drag the police into it?

Seriously though, rape should get talked about more, but it's odd to see Cosmo suggesting it's as simple and no-big-thang as, say, sticking a finger in his ass while you're in reverse cowgirl. But hey! Maybe I'm just old and rape is now so just so common it's lost its stigma as a discussion topic. How awesome would that be?

Cosmo

So, Why Do Girls Still Want To Be WAGs? (May) enlightened me so much that I'm considering giving up my A-Levels and taking a regular spot in a trendy bar, in the hope that I'll bump into a footballer, marry him and life will be complete. Seriously, though, what's wrong with these girls? Do they honestly think dating some rich guy before he gts bored and moves on to the next woman is fulfilling? Wouldn't helping starving children be more worthwhile? I'm a female football fan (yes, we do exist, and I don't have huge muscles and the ability to burp the national anthem) so next time I'm standing out in the cold watching my team, I may well hang around in the hope of grabbing a footballer to spend the rest of my life with. At least I could discus the offside rule with him!"

This writer may be a public personality, but this sample is block printed, the variety of handwriting that tries to keep people from gathering much revealing information from it. (Cursive reveals much more.) Block printing is the choice of ransom note writers for that reason. This writer is very reluctant to allow others to know her until she knows them rather well first.

Furthermore, there are no loops on y's, an indication of a person who may seem to enjoy the company of others, but is very happy, thank you, to be all alone.

The swollen "d" forms signal a person who is acutely conscious of self, and can be wounded by destructive criticism.

Add to this an occasional slant to the left, a sign of one who represses emotions. Mostly the writing is vertical, which indicate a lack of impulsiveness. This writer thinks first, and then takes an action. The straight down-stroke of the y's indicates the determination to make an action succeed.

The bars that cross the "t" stem are placed at the top of the stem, the indication of a person who ambitiously stretches to reach a treetop tall goal. The bars are also heavy, which signals that the writer has the drive (gumption) actually to reach the treetops.

There are umbrella-shaped t bars that indicate extra portions of self-control. The block printing makes it difficult to figure out what the writer has developed controls over. The usual reason to develop such hyper-control is to stifle a recurrent fear, such as stage-fright.

The tops of the "m" forms come very close to needle-points, the sign of a very speedy thinker. Add to this a well developed "gut" intuition that skips over the usual steps of logic to get to trusted conclusions. Intuition accelerates the thinking process and allows the writer to get a handle on other people without much delay. Although some of the answers in this sample may seem dumb, the writer isn't. Some rounded "m" tops indicate that the writer can also be methodical (when absolutely necessary) and there are "V" formation in the m's and n's that signal an analytical mind that will take the time to figure out what's actually what.

Fairly strong final endings to words indicate an ability to make decisions and short t stems signal an independent thinker who makes up her own mind from information she selects.

Clean o's (the middles are without marks or blotches) are a sign of good integrity. The writer lives in the "real" world and abides by most of its rules in a way that is not secretive or devious.

There is what graphologists call a "conscious gesture" —- in this case the z's in "quizzed" are crossed. The writer has either grown up in a European-based country or has adopted the crossed-z as a kind of educated stylistic embellishment.

Earlier: Dea Cosmo Girl Hayden "Heroes" Panettiere: "Better To Be The Turtle Than The Hare"
•Cosmo Girl Rihanna: "Solitary & Self-Involved"
•Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"
•Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
•Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
•'Cosmo' Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted

Men are... immeasurably interested in acquiring fixed ideas of God, of the soul, and of their common duties to their Creator and to their fellow men. This is, then, the subject on which it is most important for each of us to entertain fixed ideas; and, unhappily, it is also the subject on which it is most difficult for each of us, left to himself, to settle his opinions by the sole force of his reason.

The magazine goes on to interview a Catholic-born Shamanist who also digs Judaism, a Wiccan Buddhist who's reading the Bible, lapsed Baptists who love gays but still do charity, and an "expert" at the University of Notre Dame who wonders if there isn't a downside to all this. "If teens are thinking, evaluating, and searching, that is a good sign. The downside is that if religion turns into a customizable choice, it loses its power," she says. But Tocqueville totes knew you were going to say that! From page 508:

I anticipate the objection, that as all religions have general and eternal truths for their object, they can not thus shape themselves to the shifting spirit of every age without forfeiting their claim to certainty in the eyes of mankind.To this I reply again, that the principal opinions which constitute belief, and which theologians call articles of faith, must be very carefully distinguished from the accessories connected with them.

Historical context!

The end of pubic lice?

And the "Beyond Gross" Award Goes To...

It's time again for Cover Lies, wherein Cheryl and Maria rewrite the cover lines of major mass-market women's magazines to better reflect the content within. Not that you were considering actually buying "Cosmo"!

Image created by Cheryl Campbell

The guy I'm seeing is incredibly well-endowed. I'm really nervous about sleeping with him; I'm afraid it will hurt. Should I say something about my fears?

Um, my first inclination is that if you tell this dude you are afraid of his dick you are going to be reenacting that scenario "Ohhhh I'm so scared your massive portion of manmeat is gonna hurty wurty my tight little child-gina" six months from now. But wait a second, how big is it that you have seen it, and yet have not put it inside you? My guess is if you have gotten naked with him and haven't, you know, done anything with his "member" and he hasn't acted like this was, like, weird at all, he knows what you're thinking and will be gentle. So drinking-game those nerves away and get fucking. Keep lube at the ready, but if you need it to get started, you're just not that into him. Which is just the thing: you're wasting time by worrying about this problem now. Down the road, if he's as big as you say, you'll have to deal with the fact that you both hate using condoms and that to blow him defies the Geneva Convention. So you'd better make some happy amorous memories while the relationship is still young and wet.

Why Did He Give Me His Business Card?

I met this boy at a party, and he seemed to be into me. He asked if he could give me his number and handed me his business card! What's up with that?

Why Does He Claim Not To Remember Our One Night Together?

A few weeks ago, I got really drunk with my best male friend. He confessed that he was attracted to me, and we ended up having sex. Now he is claiming that he was wasted and doesn't remember what he said, and he's been avoiding me. I just want things to go back to normal. What do you think I should do?

Ugh, I hate this. For one thing, he is lying, because when a person truly doesn't remember what happened when he was drunk and fucked his "best friend", he doesn't go and avoid the best friend because he doesn't know there is any reason to avoid her. Of course, that's another good reason God invented the "I don't remember anything I was drunk" excuse; so that people can go about their relationships like normal without having to submit to romantic comedy-perpetuated cultural mores such as "Sleeping with a good friend while drunk probably means there are unresolved feelings of True Love between me and good friend that would be scary to confront." But lying to you about not remembering and avoiding you simultaneously means the worst thing: he expects that you have succumbed to said romantic comedy cultural norms and that you, against all rational logic, feel there must be unresolved feelings of True Love between yourself and Mr. "I Can't Remember Why I'm Avoiding You." What a little jerk. Why are you friends with him anyway? Nevermind. Pretend you don't remember.

Should I Join Him In Playing Video Games? He Likes Them More Than He Likes Me...

My boyfriend just bought a PSP. Now it seems like he's dating his video games instead of me! Should I try to join in on his new hobby or tell him how I'm feeling?

Thanks to Cheryl Campbell's help with all of our images!

The writer is a person with an outstanding, vivid, full and fascinating imagination that affects every facet of her life. Her imagination is so large and potentially life altering that it can balloon in on and at times confuse and scatter every other part of her life. Her imagination is indicated by the fine and full lower loops of her "y" and "g" formations.

She likes to get involved with a lot of things, people, new scenes, new acquaintances. Change and variety are her emotional by-words.

Her personal pronoun "I" is a plain, simple straight up and down line, a sign of a person who is totally direct within herself and with most others, and who refuses to waste time with convoluted crap.

Her goals are very practical (the t bars cross at the middle of her t stems) and reachable with her ability and spirit.

Now and then there is a strain of introspection in her behavior (a few letters and words slant to the left). She can be entirely into herself at times, despite how outgoing she may otherwise appear. She is not as easy to get to know as some might think she is. Her "e" formations are fairly open, which signals a person who allows new ideas in and does not strain too many out because of preconceptions.

She is a methodical thinker (rounded "m" and "n" tops) which means she comes to conclusions based on a steady series of logical steps. This is a slow process, and she has developed a strong and trusted intuition, which allows her to reach conclusions by skipping steps and come to a "gut" decision that is fast enough to keep up with many others.

There is a delightful harmony and rhythm in her script which indicates a graceful and appealing mind.

Sheila Kurtz [Graphology Consulting]

Earlier: Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
Cosmo Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted
Cosmo Cover Girl Jessica Alba: Emotionally Unavailable, Intuitive, Creatively-Unfulfilled

Over at Men's Health, however, the dudes are covering up. In 2004, half the covers featured shirtless guys; in 2007 there was only one bare-chested man. For Allure, it's all about the best tressed. "Not only abundant hair, but the blowing hair is good for us," says editor Linda Wells. "The worst thing we can do is a really tight, pulled-back style or a hat." And over at Seventeen, some kind of flair is like, totally what a girl wants: "Every cover has to have the doodad," says editor Ann Shoket. "That is, a piece of jewelry... or something that catches your eye." But the person — or personality — on the cover is a big deal as well. Kate White says Cosmo's perfect model is "Someone that you'd love to drive cross country with, you're not going to end up arrested with and with whom you're not going to get bored." Hmm, makes sense that Ms. Lohan was a choice. And Ms. White finds a great cover uh, satisfying. "My sense of a good cover that will sell well is if I want to lick it," she says. "And the Beyoncé [December 2007] cover I licked several times... Before the sun came up." Hey, at least the woman loves her job?

The Science of Covers: Celebs, Cleavage and Sparkle [WWD]

"Men have a weaker sense of smell," Fisher explains. "Guys aren't as likely to notice... that they're snoozing in stinky sheets." [Ask my ex boyfriend. -Ed.] That's not it, Palmer claims. Men are plain old lazy! He writes: "Do you know how much a pain in the ass it is to put that fitted sheet on?" Well here's one we agree on! And, for the record, not all women change their sheets all the damn time. Although maybe today we will, now that we're thinking about it.

As for why guys assume that other guys they don't really know are losers, Cosmo posits that it's a caveman thing, i.e. anyone not in the inner circle is the enemy. And a threat. Grr! Palmer calls bullshit on that too. "Guys don't do constant evaluation of other guys, unless we are sizing them up for fighting purposes. This is a feminine trait, and stating that we think in the same manner is false." Feminine trait? Hmm, not sure about that. But also, aren't guys who think strangers are losers just projecting? As for why men prefer women to be on top (Cosmo says "Pleasing you is a priority," Palmer says guys "would rather bring you to orgasm with you not leading the way... Sitting there and letting you use us like a chair-mounted dildo detracts from the ego boost."). We think, top or bottom, isn't the guy just thankful to be getting laid? Lastly, to answer the question "Why do guys need to win at everything?" (Cosmo blames testosterone, Palmer blames "No Fear" T-shirts) — we'd like to ask: Who likes to lose? And since when is it gender-specific? Also: Why doesn't Cosmo hire a man to decode dudes?

Lies Cosmo Tells Women [Double Viking]

Related: Pointless Banter [Kevin Palmer]

The slant of this writer's handwriting is basically straight up and down, an indication that she thinks first and acts later, at least most of the time. Yet there are times when the slant is somewhat to the left (introverted and little sharing of deepest feelings) and to the right (responsive emotionally). There is an immaturity about the inconsistency of the writing that is probably because she is so young (just 20).

Her printing indicates she wants to be understood clearly by others, and the printing (rather than cursive) is her way of doing that. But at times her writing intertwines with letters above and below, which indicates a tendency to occasional confusion.

She is very intuitive (she jumps over several steps of logical reasoning to come to trustworthy conclusions) which speeds up her naturally methodical method of thinking. She is not a deep prober; she takes matters as they are and deals with them, much of the time with "gut" instincts.

The straight down-strokes of the "y" formation indicate that she is essentially a "loner" who, while she can be with others, actually prefers to be alone.

Her goals are very practical, and she sets them where she knows she can reach them. She has no particular interest in stretching for pie in the sky, nor does she take the easiest way out.

The close, round dots over her letters "i" indicate both loyalty (not that often seen) and strict attention to details. She holds on tightly to what she believes in (see final hooks on the "f's" of her last name) but not to the point of stubbornness; she is open-mined and will allow new ideas into her mind without hindrance by preconceptions.

She is very direct and does not like to waste time (no wind-up strokes on any letters).

Now and then you see a partly formed lower loop on her "g" formations, a sign that she has the ability to generate creative ideas, but seldom follows entirely through with them.

She has the ability to speak expressively, but more significantly she knows how to listen, which is probably a key to her early success.

Earlier: Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
Cosmo Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted
Cosmo Cover Girl Jessica Alba: Emotionally Unavailable, Intuitive, Creatively-Unfulfilled

I'll never forget the time an ambulance brought a young slacker guy and his girlfriend. They had decided to get it on in his grandmother's basement while she was out of the house. They'd grabbed a tube of what they thought was lubricant. Unfortunately it wsa nitroglycerin paste, a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure.

Grandma had found them unconscious and naked! Or what about:

A hysterical woman came into the ER. She'd just had a fight with her boyriend while sitting in his parked car. She said she had gotten so mad at him that she pulled the key out of the ignition and put it in her vagina so he couldn't drive home! Now she couldn't locate the key to get it out. I couldn't find it either...

Get in the doggie-style position—you on your knees and your guy kneeling behind you.

Here's the first page. Shape up for Nude Bathing! Nude bathing...it's like sexy sex! And like, scroll down REAL QUICKLY if you're at work.

It was something called an "upside down" sundae, whereby her friend stowed all the toppings on the bottom of the bowl, out of the sight of her superiors, then plopped the ice cream on top, safely hiding her stash of sweetness. "If you want that cherry in life, to say nothing of the hot fudge and whipped cream, youve gotta have that upside down hot fudge sundae." What a wonderful new cliche to replace the "cake and eat it too" crap!

Anyway, we tell that story because we had to employ a similar strategy merely to get entrance to this event, because a press officer at the Y informed us that press had been barred from the event. Using our cunning and the internet, we (Moe, Jessica) purchased two "civilian" tickets and sneaked in as though we were two normal people just interested in seeing what the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan and mystery novel author Kate White has to say. What do such normal people look like, anyway?

Jessica: I got there first, and was oddly nervous. I wore more makeup than I usually do, because I didn't want to feel inadequately groomed when compared to the fashion bitches I assumed would attend. I still looked comparatively sloppy — I spotted a pair of this year's Miu Miu pumps and slunk into a chair in my dirty jeans. I had sat down in the middle of two rows of twenty-somethings who all seemed to know each other. I assumed they worked for Kate, so I asked the girl next to me if she, indeed, worked for Cosmo.
"I do," she said, "I'm Ashley."
"I'm Jessica, I work for Jezebel," I told her, and her formerly warm gaze turned icy.
"Oh. I saw that you guys wrote about us today."
"Um. Yeaaaaah."
That ended that conversation! (A quick perusal of the masthead later on led me to believe I was talking to associate web editor Ashley Womble, who was quite possibly responsible for the feature I mocked yesterday. Um, if you're reading this, I'm sorry Ashley! But like, "Boyfriend Wars" is a pretty exquisitely lame idea! Surely you see my point! No?"

Moe: Ha! That explains the forty text messages I got from you. I have to say, I did not notice any Miu Mius. I'm pretty sure i was sitting on the side of the room with all the Conservadox Jews, because...um, everyone's outfits were very modest. But Kate's outfit was fabulous! In a kind of "aggressively approachable" way. She wore a poufy taffeta-ish skirt and black patent leather ankle boots, with black tights and a black short-sleeved turtleneck. It was, like, the most expensive ensemble you could get away with and still probably be mistaken for an elementary school teacher. She is very thin, but she doesn't seem to make it the centerpiece of her appearance, and she has blown-dry highlighted hair that dovetails perfectly with the intense perkiness of her persona. She looked like she belonged on the set of a fifties sitcom. And then she told that fucking upside-down ice cream sundae anecdote. In my notes it is followed by an anecdote about Kate Spade, who apparently is friends with Kate White. I just wrote it all down, but now I'm deleting it because really, it is duller than the sundae anecdote. "Sometimes you've got to break the rules," was the big takeaway. I think that's when I completely lost it.

Jessica:I read Kate's book, You On Top over the weekend, and most of the anecdotes were taken verbatim from that, so they must have been fact-checked, right? Anyway, the book has some actually insightful, practical career advice. Interspersed with "Ways to Tap into Your Inner Sex Kitten." She also warns us to never ever talk to guys about our periods. But she runs a major magazine and still finds time to write mystery novels. You've got to respect that!

Moe: That's true. She also seems impossible to hate. But she's like, impossible to hate in that way where you feel like if you traveled back in time to 1963, and someone advised you not to talk to boys about your period, you would forgive them for that. Why do I feel like I'm in a time warp with Kate White? She's the foremost purveyor of orgasm advice in the country! People were still douching in 1963! And having coat hanger abortions.

Jessica: That said, she managed to make the vignettes sound spontaneous and unrehearsed; even charming. I won't go over her "five rules" in detail. You want some business speak, you can find it elsewhere. Maybe in your own head in that space reserved for common sense, buried under the names of former contestants on ANTM. I will say Kate's an excellent public speaker. Then came the Q&A. I don't remember what questions were asked except for your question about Whether Cosmo had a secret sex lab.

Moe: I swear to God I heard once that Cosmo has a "sex laboratory" where they try out positions and stuff. I was dying for something too-hot-for-Andy Griffith to be said. But yeah, she turned a little red when I asked that. Lady, you're the editor of Cosmo WTF?! Then someone asked a question about how to deal when you've realized you're following in your mother's footsteps and putting your career on hold for your husband. And that's when she pointed out her husband. Her husband was adorable, and all "aw shucks" about the whole thing, and she readily admitted that he was six or seven years younger than her, and that she's glad she married later in life. I felt bad for the woman who was putting her career on hold for her husband. For a moment I felt worse for her than for myself, for not having a husband. But I don't understand why you would do that, unless you didn't really like working. In which case, don't feel guilty about it! We're all about self-acceptance.

Jessica: Yeah, I think she's holding out on us and somewhere in the nether regions of the Hearst building there is a kinky dungeon filled with frilly underthings and eight cartons of batteries. I do remember, however, one of Kate's answers, which stuck with me. She said that women tend not to ask for things in their careers — she told a story about a group of young trainees at Arthur Anderson. When the group got their offers, all the men asked for more money, whereas all the women just took the initial quote. This resonated with me in particular because when I worked at Spin right out of college, the Editor-in-Chief at the time, Sia Michel, told me the exact. Same. Thing. Every woman Sia had hired took the salary that was offered up front. Almost every man negotiated for more.

Moe: Ugh, yeah, fuck men; where do they get off? I fucking hate those motherfuckers. That's why they always think they deserve to have sex with you. Motherfucker, explain to me why you deserve a motherfucking raise when there are kids working for twenty cents an hour in Bangladesh and I don't even make that much? I hate dudes.

Jessica: Leaving the Y, I realized that had Kate's book just been her career advice and her somewhat daffy personal essays, I would have valued it so much more. The impressive example she's set with her achievements is not-so-subtly undermined when she extols the virtues of "walk[ing] around your home with no top on. Feel[ing] the breeze with your breasts!" I realize that she's branded herself quite strongly as EIC of Cosmo (hell, she mentions it every five pages in her book) but that doesn't mean that her voice has to be "sexified" all the time. Last night, Kate told us that we need to "break all the rules" to succeed. Maybe she should listen to herself and stop shilling hackneyed "mattress moves so hot, his thighs will go up in flames."

Moe: You're totally right. She doesn't even like talking about sex! She should really be at a more serious women's magazine. Too bad there are none!

Part of the "Cosmo Quiz"

The handwriting is extraordinarily clear, rhythmic, meticulous, logical, and open. She may be somewhat secretive about private matters (as signaled by loops on the right side of "o" formations).

The big, plump loops on the "y" formations indicate an imagination that is very creative and because most of the loops finish above the (imaginary) baseline, there is evidence that she has the power to bring her dreams to fruition.

She is not a fast thinker (the rounded "m" and "n" formations indicate a mostly methodical mind), but she makes up for the relative slowness of process with a good and trusted intuition (signaled by the breaks between letters) that accelerates her ability to draw decisions from strings of facts.

The writer pays close attention to details and is well organized, even though she might complain that she is not. The rounded "i" dots indicate that she stands by what she believes in and isn't easily swayed.

Although she says she over-analyzes, there is scant evidence in her handwriting that she probes and weighs and digs too much.

Her "f" formations have what we call tie strokes (they look like a tied shoelace) that signal a person who will keep at it, and at it, and at it until she gets it.

Her overall slant is straight up and down, the sign of a person who seldom is swept away by impulse and thinks before she acts.

The tops of certain "p" formations are higher than the round part of the "p" (as in shopping). This can signal a person who might, on occasion, be called argumentative, perhaps in a defensive way. If she argues it may sometimes be with facts, at other times with her imagination.

She underscores her first name, which is her famous one, and this is also a sign of self reliance. She can and will do things on her own.

The writer expresses herself fluidly on many levels regardless of the education, class or culture of others. The open "e" loops indicate a mind that is not limited or closed by preconceptions. She allows new ideas in. She also has the capacity to listen as well as to talk, a rare commodity.

There are hooks at the start of certain words (like card) that indicates a person who wants to have more than she does now, perhaps material things, perhaps power or knowledge.

In some words (like card) there are capital letters in the midst of a word; these are signs of a person who wishes to stand out and to be different.

All in all, the clarity and elegance are outstanding.

• For starters: This picture, shot to illustrate "How Partying Too Much Can Kill You." Bangs again! And stains on her stockings! And a somewhat realistic looking scenario!!! What's going on?
  
• The page 106 feature, "What Not To Do In Bed," contains tons of "real guy" quotes that actually sound as if they might have origins in "real guys." For example: "If she just lies there completely while I toss her around and arrange her limbs, it's like fooling around with a corpse."
  
• There's a little piece on how rubbing yogurt on a tampon can help you ward off an impending yeastie. DIY!
  
• An NFL cheerleader "writes" an anonymous column about how creepy and ridiculous it is to be an NFL cheerleader and by the way cheerleading sucks. More edge!
  
• A story on those birth control pills that get rid of your period goes balls-out and basically says, "You might as well go on it; you don't really need to get your period as much as you do anyway, fuck periods." Decisive! And somewhat thought-provoking.

Yeah, so none of this probably means anything, but hey! One fewer magazine to skip this month.

Laura Sessions Stepp was the first to speak at any length, and she basically rehashed the article she had written in Cosmo peppered with some of her usual anti-hook-up propaganda. Blah, blah, women should be dating and not just having casual sex, blah, blah, there wouldn't be so much assault if they had real relationships.

Two of the three men on the panel, Neal Irvin, the National Director of Men Can Stop Rape and anti-violence activist Joe Samalin, focused their commentary on the need to educate men. "The way we socialize men to think about sexuality is the reason they're confused about gray rape," said Irwin. "We're taught that men are the seekers, women are the gatekeepers." An interesting point, but neither Irvin nor Samalin gave concrete examples on how to help educate or socialize the men in question.

Linda Fairstein, the former chief prosecutor in the Manhattan D.A.'s Sex Crimes Unit, was the only commentator who said anything remotely useful in terms of defining gray rape. "There is no such thing as gray rape in the criminal justice system," Fairstein explained. If a woman is blackout drunk — ie she is actively engaging in behavior but not creating new memories — rape will be nearly impossible to prosecute. "I would never have said yes when I was sober," Fairstein said, "will not stand up in court."

"Men are responsible," Fairstein continued. "They shouldn't be having sex with wasted women. Vomit should probably be a red flag... But teaching responsibility to young women is just as important. You don't have to drink eight drinks. You don't have to get blotto."

After the panel, Samalin suggested to me that men should refuse to have sex with any woman who has been drinking. "Even if you've been dating for three years," he said solemnly. Because that's a realistic expectation! Samalin's attitude was my issue with the whole experience. Every panel member vigorously agreed that when a woman says no, a man should listen, regardless of how quietly she says it or how intoxicated she might be. But the messier issues — what if she says no, but then consents later, or what if she says no while she's taking off her panties — were either not addressed or glossed over completely. Incidentally, I learned that in Maryland and North Carolina, once penetration has begun, a woman cannot rescind her consent. Duke sorority sisters, please take note.

I tried to ask Cosmo EIC Kate White what she thought about the gray rape discussion but when I told her I was from Jezebel, she muttered something about needing to deal with logistics and scurried off. Maybe she was aware of the irony that Cosmo — the magazine that, just this month, is suggesting its readers learn to "Tease Him into a Frenzy!" and "Be a Jealous Bitch!" — was hosting a discussion about the deeply conflicted nature of young women's sexual identity. Or maybe she was just afraid we'd tell everyone how airbrushed her letter from the editor photo is.

Earlier: 'Cosmo' Wonders: Is It Rape If You Had Too Many Jaeger Shots To Remember It Anyway?
Related: N