1. Nobody thinks about what it means anymore.

Though the title of this post may have produced a funny mental image, it was probably involved some asshole with a popped collar. Contemporary usage of the term has elided the fact than actual douchebag is a bag. Full of douche. That you put in your vagina. I've only seen douche once — when I was a kid, in the attic of my friend's family's store, in some sort of ancient gift basket along with a 1970s romance novel. Likewise, I've only read the word used literally in one place — the extremely fucked-up noir novel The Killer Inside Me. The movie version of said fucked-up novel is about to come out, and how much do you want to bet they don't include the "douchebag" line? Actually, I don't want to bet. I do want you to send me examples of actual baggy douche-filled douchebags referred to in print (ads don't count). Because the true douchebag has been forgotten, and that's sad.

2. Everybody's saying it now.

As Slate's Troy Patterson points out, "douchebag" and its variants have now appeared at two opposite poles of American culture — The City and the New York Times. The Times's Edward Wyatt offered this hilariously passive-voiced formulation:

On many nights this fall, it has been possible to tune in to broadcast network television during prime time and hear a character call someone else a 'douche.'

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a word that shows up in a Times trend piece must be in want of a replacement. Plus, Hot Chicks With Douchebags has gone from blog to book to show. Can the video game be far behind?

3. Gawker actually declared it dead last year.

In December of 2008, Gawker posted a reader's plea that read, in part,

it's been completely played out. the number of times i hear it now applied to any circumstance other than what i believe to have been its true intention is getting annoying. furthermore, i feel the douche's themselves have co-opted the word and use it against hipsters and the like. people who aren't particularly witty, or even funny, began throwing around the word douche (in my opinion denigrating the original beauty of what it represented). i think it'd be a great idea to take control of your creation and have a very formal retirement for the word

You know how in high school you would make up something really funny, and then everyone would laugh, but then some lame person would try to use it in a lame way, and everyone would get tired of it, and then they'd blame you for coming up with something lame? I guess what I'm trying to say is, stop trying to make douchebag happen.

4. Douchebag parodies have appeared.

It's actually even worse than the Gawker reader lets on. Not only has the word been co-opted by "douche's themselves," fake douchebags are now making silly parody videos. And charts. These parodies may be amusing, but what they reveal is that "douchebag," once a thrillingly multifaceted insult, has calcified into a type. Douchebags wear Ed Hardy shirts. They pop their collars. They may differ by region, but even these differences are strictly codified. "Douchebag" used to be both simple and versatile, a way to describe someone whose disregard for other people, combined with outsized self-regard, was so extreme as to be hilarious. Now it's a culture, with its own stereotypes and its own quasi-ethnic jokes. That video's just for laughs, but mark my words, true "douchebag" reclamation is on its way.

Some might argue that we need a new word to do the work "douchebag" once did. I do like "assclown." But while mocking the unjustifiably egotistical will never truly die, I wonder if specifically shaming douches and their ilk is kind of an '00s thing. Maybe in the new decade we should turn our attention to a less ludicrous but more insidious figure, the guy who acts sensitive and evolved as a way of concealing deep-seated misogyny or misanthropy. Or maybe we should just give up and be nice to each other. The world's going to end in two years anyway.

Image via MSN.

Douchebags Gone Wild [Slate]

Related: More Than Ever, You Can Say That On Television [NYT]
The Gray Lady And Her Sad, Shared, Empty Bag Of "Douche" [Gawker]
Farewell, Douchebag [Gawker]

But what's to be expected of a "reality" show that's completely staged. (Including Olivia's "accessories department" position at Elle. She's actually working in the PR department, but her name does not appear in the magazine's masthead.)

I've been down to Canal Street many, many times, and no one will sell you knockoffs (the kind that actually have designer logos on them) in the middle of the street. They won't even sell them to you in the shops. You have to specifically ask for them from one of the employees, who will first deny carrying such bags, but once it is established that you are not a cop, the employee will pull out a walkie talkie, mutter something into it, and then turn to you and start screaming and pushing you toward the back of the store, where a hidden door opens up, arms reach out, yank you in and slam the door behind you. It's basically a very tall closet with lots and lots of convincing knockoffs. Once your transaction is complete, you have to wait for walkie talkie clearance to exit the hidden room.

However, if you do manage to strike up negotiations with someone who does not have a storefront, they will never ever show you bags in the middle of the street. There's usually some kind of rendezvous point (like Sbarros or halfway down the stairs to the subway entrance) where they will reveal the merchandise, and then get super pissed off at you when you don't want to buy anything.

The fact that Olivia made her illegal purchase from a guy whose face was not blurred out on camera is probably the biggest indicator that the entire thing was staged. But what else is new with this show?

In the clip above, Roxy sits down for an interview with Kelly Cutrone for a position at Peoples Revolution. Although Whitney landed her the interview, Roxy comically talks shit on Whitney ("She like wears yellow"), whom she's known since the seventh grade. During the interview, Roxy also claims to have worked for Rachel Zoe for "a little bit," which Rachel denies, Tweeting, ""she never worked for me..lying is so not chic."

In fact, a lot of Tweeting has been going on about Roxy by the faux-reality set. Just yesterday, Stephanie Pratt went on a Twitter tirade about her, unable to limit her views to 140 characters, saying, "She was [my best friend] since 7th grade until she stabbed me in the back for her chance at fame. I tried to bring her on the hills with me but she wanted to be a 'star' so she went behind my back and made arrangements 2 b whits bff."

Roxy was actually the sidekick for Stephanie's very first appearance on The Hills, when the two girls confronted Lauren Conrad in a club to yell at her for being "mean" to Heidi.

Stephanie's assertion about Roxy wanting to be a "star" seem to be true, at least according to this E! News story from two years ago. After Roxy's one appearance on The Hills, her mother actually spoke to the media, who actually bothered to report on it, saying, "Roxy will only appear in one episode of The Hills even though they wanted her to do another one. [She] appeared as a favor. I'm pretty sure she's not going to do any more. They kind of pigeonhole you into stuff there."

The City's Roxy Olin Caught In A Lie [Radar]
The Hills Drama Just Keeps Getting Better [E!]

[New York, August 25. Image via WENN]

• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broken up. Again. This report claims:

They had a fight over Sam's friendship with Nicole Richie, who doesn't like LL and refuses to be in the same room with her. [E!]

• But! Lindsay Lohan's Twitter reads: "Why do people cheat? When love is always standing right in front of their face (s) ?? SR?" [Twitter, The Sun]
• By the by, Lindsay Lohan's rep says London police never questioned her about the missing jewelry from the photo shoot, but that she would comply if necessary. The rep also noted that there were 20 people working at the Elle shoot. [AP]
• More on this in Midweek Madness, but Stephanie Pratt is on the cover of Us Weekly with the words: "The Hills Made Me Bulimic." [Us Magazine]
• Victoria Beckham has reportedly had a third boob job, reducing her double Ds to a 34B. Is the "trend" of inflating mammaries through surgery on the wane? [The Sun]
• Sean Penn has dropped out of two major films: The Three Stooges — which was supposed to start filming in August — and crime thriller Cartel. Penn is taking a break from Hollywood to focus on his family — does this mean he's got a lot of patching up to do with Robin Wright Penn? [Hollywood Reporter]
• Sean Penn has been telling people he "needs personal time." [Deadline Hollywood]
• Chris Brown's lawyer is seeking to delay the hearing — scheduled for Monday. [AP]
• In court papers, Kelis is accusing estranged husband Nas of abandoning her during her pregnancy and claims that she is dependent on Nas' finances. A source says: "Kelis has spent every last penny that she has to cover whatever expenses for the baby that she can but at this point really needs him to step up and share in the responsibility. She physically can't work to bring in any sort of income, as much as she'd like to." [MTV News]
• Guess whose ratings are up? David Letterman's; everybody loves a Sarah Palin kerfluffle. [NY Times]
• Jon Gosselin spent his 10th anniversary weekend in Nyack, NY, having a beer with a friend. A waiter says: "Jon was on the phone most of the time and was definitely talking to his kids." [People]
• Rihanna is being sued for messing up someone's lawn. [TMZ]
• Rihanna and Drake, aka Jimmy from Degrassi: It's still on. [Page Six]
• Simon Cowell claims that he told Susan Boyle she could quit Britain's Got Talent if it was getting to be too much for her. She said to him: "No, I want to win." And with all the hype, she probably thought she would. [The Sun]
• Countess LuAnn de Lesseps was seen dancing, doing tequila shots and "all over a guy in his 20s" in the Hamptons. [Page Six]
• Pretty much everything that comes out of Betty White's mouth in this interview is awesome. She says: "At this age, you don't often get a good part like this. It was an old-fashioned romantic comedy, not with all that garbage they have to throw in these days. And Sandy and Ryan — the chemistry is so good between them. And Anne Fletcher, the director, she's as nutty as the rest of us." [LA Times]
• Mia Farrow's brother, artist Patrick Farrow, has been found dead in his Vermont art gallery. [USA Today]
• Is Owen Wilson dating a Kate Hudson look-alike? [Gatecrasher]
• Four words: Gene Simmons urinal cakes. [Best Week Ever]
• In this interview, Melissa Etheridge talks about medical marijuana, and how it helped her after chemotherapy: "All of a sudden I could get out of bed. I could go see my kid. And it was amazing." She didn't smoke weed — it was mixed into butter and spread on food, or run through a vaporizer. In any case, she thinks medical marijuana should be legal. [CNN]
• Miley Cyrus will star in The Last Song, an adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks flick. Greg Kinnear and Kelly Preston will play her parents. And watch for the soundtrack! The story is about a bellious teen sent to spend the summer with her estranged father. Guess what bridges the gap between them? Music. [Variety]
• Blow-outs, manicures, Botox and spray tans: Beauty "secrets" from the Real Housewives Of New Jersey. [W Magazine]
• Ew. On Larry King, Spencer Pratt called Al Roker an "elderly man" who thought he could "parade my 22-year-old wife on television." [MSNBC Scoop]
• A violent thunderstorm almost shut down Monday night's live broadcast of I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here. My grandma would say it's because they've been acting ugly and God don't like ugly. [Ok]
• The most predictable thing in the world: Carrie Prejean's lawyer claims she was "set up." [E!]
• Whitney Port's show The City will be getting new characters, described as "vixens." This should turn out well. [Page Six]
• Tracey Ullman's State Of The Union on Showtime has been renewed for a third season. [Variety]
• In an interview with The Bangles, the ladies talk about making music and Susanna Hoffs says they have "No record label, no deadline. And that's kind of what's fun about it." [CNN]
• Bam Margera has two new shows: One will show him going back to school (he left in 10th grade) and the other? "It's like a travel show and me and my scumbag friends will be going around and getting into trouble." [Mirror]
• Sorry Superbad fans: there will not be a sequel starring McLovin. [Gatecrasher]
• For everything you never wanted to know about a David Cross/Jim Belushi feud, click the link. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which married hot tamale of an actress has three boyfriends on the side? One is rich, one is pretty and one is a rough-and-tumble Oscar nominee." [Gatecrasher]
• "I've come very close to fucking it all up. I had to give up scotch, because it turns me into a werewolf - and cigarettes, too. I seem to like to kiss trouble on the forehead and then try to back away. I test my limits quite often. I guess that's what 22-year-olds do. But I'm fallible and human and I'm figuring it out. I don't even really know what it is I do for a living - the level of insecurity is very, very high. You're making a lot of money, getting a lot of accolades and positive criticism for something where you don't even know what you're doing. There's no business-model for this; you can't step away, go home and say, 'You did your job today,' because I don't know what my job is! That gets crazy, trying to figure that shit out." — Shia La Beouf. [Guardian]
• "We're getting to know each other and I have to leave it at that." — Paris Hilton on her relationship with famed footballer Cristiano Ronaldo. [Mirror]
• "What a freakin' episode. Freakin' fireplace, freakin' sink, freakin' gorgeous. These were Dina's eloquent words when describing Teresa's marble palace. I laughed when she said, 'You have onyx coming out of your ass.' Now that would be painful." — from Bethenny Frankel's blog on the Real Housewives Of New Jersey finale. [E!]
• "Ben is a great man for the secret exit. Ben always has an escape, I think. It may be a piece of wood, floating on the ocean. Or it may be a rope, or a secret door. Or, you know, an Ecuadorian passport and a plastic bag, something like that. He's probably going to survive." — Michael Emerson, aka Ben Linus on Lost. [E!]
• "My act was like, 'Yeah, I walked in from school on my mom and dad screwing today ... and you go from there, building up such a disgustingly accurate description that the audience would start thinking it was insane what they were listening to - this little kid they can't yell back at, and who can only legally perform if all the alcoholic drinks are taken off the tables. Tough crowd! And telling jokes about things that no 10-year-old should even know about." — Shia LaBeouf, on being a kid comic who performed in adult clubs. [Guardian]
• "I was raised thinking that a relationship like that was just completely wrong. But I can't choose who I fall in love with, and I'm not going to not do something that makes me happy just because people disapprove. It seemed natural to us and that was all that mattered." — Evan Rachel Wood on dating Marilyn Manson. [The Daily Beast]
• "[My first time] I said to the girl, 'Hey, was it good for you, too?' And she said, 'Well, I guess it'll get better eventually.' Sadly, she wasn't right. It wasn't better for her or any of the women who subsequently agreed to sleep with me." — Judd Apatow is horrible in bed. [Page Six]
• "Well, I think your face should still move. And you should be recognizable to your friends. One actress I knew years ago, a really lovely person, had some stuff done, and literally, every time I run into her now I don't recognize her. Every time!" —Michelle Pfeiffer. [Page Six]
• "I begged to have them let me do a nude scene, but they wouldn't, they just wouldn't. I said, 'Well, it's a comedy and I'll get laughs, I guarantee it!' " — Betty White, on The Proposal. [LA Times]

• Christian Bale looks dirty and hot on the cover of the new EW! Inside, he talks about that infamous rant that was so popular it got turned into a dance remix:

''I don't care to go into details because, you know what, I don't believe in making excuses,'' he says. ''It doesn't matter. It was unacceptable. I went too far. And I learned from it.'' He continues: "I was surprised at myself hearing it back. These things happen, and you don't realize how long you're going in the heat of the moment. I would just say: inexcusable, my fault, yes, I did it, no excuses." As for apologizing on the radio, he did so because: "I was being told how it had gone like wildfire, and I was worried that it could completely overwhelm the movie itself. There's so much hard work that's gone into this. We had 77 days of smooth running and four minutes of me just going way too far - and that shouldn't characterize the making of the movie. My concern was that people would unfairly judge the movie based on my bad behavior." More at the link! [EW]

• Uh-oh: Gerard Butler has been charged with misdemeanor battery after a "run-in" with a paparazzo on October 7. He's not required to appear in court. [USA Today]
• Natalie Portman is still seeing Sean Penn, and just bought a gothic mansion in L.A. What does it mean? [Page Six]
• The uncle and grandmother of the little girl Madonna was trying to adopt are seeking legal action against the man who claims he is the child's father. [Mirror]
• Terry Gilliam is hoping Heath Ledger will will a second posthumous Oscar for his film, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. [NY Mag]
• Christian Bale says his daughter will not be an actress: "Amateur is absolutely fine, but no way professionally. I've seen the way that unfortunately some kids are unhappy in those situations. There's no way I'd put my daughter through that." [Daily Mail]
• Ben Stiller, his wife Christine Taylor and Ricky Gervais toured the White House yesterday. President Obama was in New Mexico. [Reuters]
• Oprah now has 1 million followers on Twitter. Are you one of them? [Business Insider]
• It seems that Britney's dad punched Sam Lutfi in the chest at some point last year, but he was "provoked" and trying to "protect" Brit. [TMZ]
• Of course TMZ has screen shots from the surveillance video of the attempted break-in at Lindsay Lohan's house. If you want to see a Dodge Magnum station wagon and two guys doing something shady, go ahead and click. [TMZ]
• "Lindsay Lohan finally lands another acting gig - but can she behave on set?" [NY Daily News]
• Will Pink and Carey Hart have another wedding, even though they never really got divorced? "I love a party," Pink tells Ellen. [People]
• Magician Criss Angel is an alleged cat thief. [Page Six]
• Kelly Osbourne has written a book! "It's more of a self-help book for young women, the 13 major things that will happen to you before you turn 21 and what I did - most of them not right - and my advice and what I would have done differently." [Mirror]
• This was in Midweek Madness, but here it is again: Ashlee Simpson is pregnant with her second child. [PopCrunch]
• Guess who is getting a role in a West End musical, thanks to Andrew Lloyd Webber? Ms. Susan Boyle. [Telegraph]
• Why did Shanna Moakler resign from the Miss California USA Organization? "The turning point for me, I guess, was when I was watching the Today show and [Carrie Prejean] was sitting there continuing to lie. And it's obvious to everybody that the lying is still going on. I just couldn't stand behind her." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Do what you must to prepare yourself: Coming in 2011? Bridget Jones The Musical. [Daily Mail]
• Jane Krakowski wants Barack Obama to be on 30 Rock: "We've had Steve Martin. We've had Oprah. We've had Jerry Seinfeld. We've had all these great musical greats. Let's just go for the big guns now." [E!]
• Speaking of 30 Rock, Judah Friedlander and Alec Baldwin are both working on interesting side projects. [NY Times]
• Last week's "Motherlover" video Andy Samberg made with Justin Timberlake wasn't finished until 3 a.m. Saturday — hours before it would air. Samberg hopes to make a video with host Will Ferrell this week! [USA Today]
• What's this? More Scrubs? With Zach Braff and Sarah Chalke signing on? [E!]
• Ew: "Desperate Jordan has sent hubby Peter Andre a string of begging text messages pleading: 'If you let me come back I'll be like a wild animal in bed again.'" [The Sun]
• Eighteen years after winning an Oscar in Silence Of The Lambs, Sir Anthony Hopkins will play Hannibal Lecter again. Will Cate Blanchett play the FBI agent? [Daily Express]
• The Jonas Brothers have postponed shows in Mexico because of the swine flu. [Reuters]
• This article has interesting details about Steven Soderbergh's new film, The Girlfriend Experience; some scenes were improvised: "For instance, a scene where Mr. Santos's character interviews for a job at a gym was done in a single take. Mr. Soderbergh says he simply set up two cameras and instructed Mr. Santos and the gym's actual manager to do a mock interview. 'I just said, 'try and get a job from this guy. See if you can convince him to give you a job.' The exchange lasted about eight minutes, and was edited down to a one minute scene in the final version of the film. 'My experience has been, the more takes you do, the worse it gets,' says Mr. Soderbergh." [WSJ]
• California health regulators have fined the hospital where employees snooped in the medical records of Nadya Suleman, to the tune of $250,000. [LA Times]
• Erin Lucas, who is Whitney Port's BFF on The City, is talking shit about Kristin Cavallari, new star of The Hills. Lauren is such a genuine girl. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and she was real with the whole thing. I don't think Kristin is on that level. Wasn't Kristin like all gung-ho about being an actress? I mean, I read interviews last week, for that matter, where she's quoted making fun of the show and trashing it and saying she would never be a part of it. So to go from trashing a show, to go on and replace the girl you fucked over in high school…I don't see it going anywhere pretty." And who are you again? [E!]
• Lyrics from Peaches (not Geldof — electro Peaches!): "I drink a whiskey neat/You lick my crow's feet/Coming up to see me like I was Mae West/less like Tina/but I'm simply the best/Call me Robyn Cradel/baby baby be my guest." In this interview, she says: "I'm going to make aging cool." [NY Daily News]
• Holly Madison will replace Kelly Monaco in the "sultry" Las Vegas revue, Peepshow, which Mel B. also appears in. Although there are topless dancers in the show, neither Mel nor Holly will be barechested. [People]
• "Why George Harrison begged one young fan to stop throwing Jelly Babies at The Beatles." [Daily Mail]
• Farrah Fawcett loves Van Morrison, so the musician filmed his recent shows so he could give copies to Fawcett to watch while she's home in bed, fighting cancer. [E!]
• "Farrah's Story is as much about becoming aware of our own mortality as it is seeing a cultural icon fight the disease." [MSNBC]
• Even though they have been together for nearly 20 years, Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett never got married, but he says he would do it now: "She's still a little bit hesitant. I'm working though, I'm working." [Mirror]
• Ryan O'Neal says of Farrah: "I kind of wish that she would go to sleep, just go to sleep. It's not my right, but I just don't see how she could be happy." [NY Daily News]
• Candy Spelling has known Farrah Fawcett for over 30 years — Aaron Spelling produced Charlie's Angels — and Candy says of Farrah Fawcett's cancer: "When I first heard, I don't know if it was a year or two years ago when we first heard, and I contacted her. I hadn't talked to her in a while. She said, 'I'm going to be alright, Candy. Everything is going to be all right.'" [CNN]
• Anna Friel of Pushing Daisies will play Holly Golightly in a new stage adaptation of Breakfast At Tiffany's in London. [Variety]
• Blind item! "Which troubled young starlet was caught doing lines with her new bestie at a hot NYC club?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I probably haven't worn my heart on my sleeve like this since the second Cranberries album." — Dolores O'Riordan. [USA Today]
• "I wasn't intending to do a popular television series. I was intending to do film and theatre. I got waylaid a little. Since that's over, I've got back to doing what I originally intended to do." — Gillian Anderson, whom you may know as Dana Scully, but who is starring in A Doll's House on the stage in London. [Daily Express]
• "I really believe on a daily basis that there's a line of communication between me and my dogs which we haven't defined yet. I really talk to them. And I also talk to my guinea pig, Mr James, every single morning. I sit and watch him on that wheel every day, trying to answer the question that is: 'Do they do it for exercise? Or do they think they're going to reach a destination?' Because that's a terrible metaphor for all of us. Because that's all life is perhaps? Nobody is gonna tell you the truth like I do." — Dustin Hoffman. [Independent]
• "I think Dan Brown is a terribly bad writer, but he has cliffhangers after every chapter which makes you continue reading. It's like eating peanuts at a bar. You don't like them, but you keep on eating them anyway." — Stellan Skarsgard, who only took a park in Angels & Demons because the script was different from the book. [Newser via AP]
• "To me, 10 o'clock is like the new 11:30. I hear more and more people, even young people, say 'I can't stay up past 11. I car pool, I gotta get up at 6.'" — Jay Leno. [CNN]
• "He always had the most ridiculous fashion. When it came to hairstyles he would have blow-dried hair like the Bay City rollers, then an awful perm. When he was 14 he tried to grow a moustache." — Simon Cowell's brother Nicholas. [The Sun]
• "Her boyfriend Tony Romo is one of my favourite quarterbacks. So I felt kinda conflicted doing the Jessica thing. Jessica got fat. I mean, not really fat, but she certainly got fat for, well, Jessica Simpson. I've always wanted people to be able to look at each video and go 'oh remember what was going on at that moment.' You know what I mean? 'Oh, that's when Jessica Simpson got fat, oh OK.' And even if she gets thin again, that's fine. Just for that moment in time, she was fat." — Eminem. [Mirror]
• "People were telling me, 'Christian, you're too good for Terminator.' And I'm thinking, I'm too good? I'm not a snob. I really fucking enjoy watching a good action movie. Who do you think I am?!'' — Christian Bale. [EW]
• "Being a mom makes me feel whole and like I understand the meaning of life." — Rebecca Romijn, to In Style. [People]

• Yasmin and Amber Le Bon: They share a nose, and a familiar mother/daughter wardrobe dynamic. Only Yasmin, being a supermodel, can parry Amber's incursions by going nuclear with, "Maybe I'll donate to the V&A..." [Telegraph]

• This interview with André Leon Talley and Matt Tyrnauer, the director of Valentino: The Last Emperor, is absolutely wonderful. Tyrnauer explained again just how upset Valentino and Giancarlo Giammetti were when they first saw a rough cut of the documentary, an anger that only softened at the Venice Film Festival: "the audience gave a very long standing ovation, which Valentino received like Mussolini. There's something about Italians and balconies." The director also says that the reason Valentino has a butler dial Giammetti's number in the movie is because the designer doesn't know how to call long distance. "He lives a life that hasn't existed for 50 years. Valentino never changed." Talley interjected, "Karl Lagerfeld knows how to dial." [The Cut]
• American Apparel is letting you, the person who will have to look at it, pick the next ad to adorn its Harlem store. Exercise your consumer rights and vote for ass or titties, now! [Racked]
• Bravo's idea of a replacement for Project Runway? Something involving third-rate celebrities being mentored by industry figures as they compete to start their own fashion lines. Whatever happened to that supposed show with Fern Mallis and Isaac Mizrahi? Don't these people realize that the thing that made Project Runway fun was that its subjects' famewhore quotient was generally matched by their actual design abilities? And watching someone absorbed in a task they enjoy and have mastered is fun? Celebrities. Starting clothing lines. This is so much worse than when Jeffrey won. [Reuters]
• At least you can still catch Isaac Mizrahi on the radio: his new show for Martha Stewart's radio network debuts this Thursday evening. You can call in, and ask him questions about fashion, and he'll tell you to forget about it and just spend more money on your hair. [Fashionista]
• Meanwhile, Liz Claiborne has decided to limit distribution of its Isaac Mizrahi-designed line...to one store per mall. That slight measure of exclusivity might be enough to make the brand more desirable to consumers, and less vulnerable to markdowns. [WWD]
• Whitney Port will no longer pretend to work at Diane von Furstenberg for the purposes of her reality show. Instead, she will pretend to work at People's Revolution, with Kelly Cutrone. [The Cut]
• Talbot's sales dropped 23% in the fourth quarter, and the company lost a total of $366.5 million. [WSJ]
• Standard & Poor's downgraded Barneys' debt obligations yesterday. It's no surprise that a department store wouldn't be doing so great just now. [WWD]
• Word is, the July cover of American Vogue will feature Sienna Miller. Anna Wintour recently went to the premiere of Miller's new flick, The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, and rumors have been swirling since. That would be Miller's second cover in as many years, which means that Keira Knightley and Gwyneth must both be busy that weekend. [Racked]
• If you feel moved to vote on the best-looking model on the current Vogue cover, you can now do so. (Unfortunately, there's no option for "They all look like plasticine dolls! Who retouched this?") [FabSugar]
• Re-designed versions of the plain white T by such talents as Philip Lim, Richard Chai, and Henry Holland are coming to Topman this May. Because nobody has ever "re-designed" T-shirts before! [FTape]

• Helena Christensen told InStyle magazine that she's never lived with a man — although she was actually married for five years. [Daily Mail]

• Bill Clinton made a surprise appearance at the Tribeca Ball, an event that benefits the New York Academy of Art. A fashion crowd including designer Jason Wu mingled with performers like Liev Schreiber and Justin Timberlake, hotel impresario Andre Balazs, and socialites. The event was filled with student art; Timberlake and Schreiber reportedly took a lot of interest in an exhibit that included two live models whose bodies guests were invited to paint and decorate with eggshells. At the end of the night, Bill Clinton's security detail was also overheard muttering, "That man is a chick magnet." [WWD]
• Speaking of politico-sartorial news, Sarah Brown, wife of the British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, met with Michelle Obama for more than an hour during her husband's state visit. Brown's gift to the First Lady was kid's clothes from TopShop for Sasha and Malia; like Michelle Obama, Sarah Brown sometimes likes to mix inexpensive chain-store items in with her wardrobe. I know, right! [Telegraph]
• Arena, the British men's magazine, is another casualty of the recession. The April, 2009, issue will be its last. Arena Homme Plus, the twice-yearly fashion magazine spinoff, is supposedly not affected, and nor are the six international editions, all of which are published under license. [WWD]
• Tracy Feith for Target doesn't get into stores until May 17, but lookbook images have already surfaced. The clothes are — not great. (There's a romper with bloomer shorts.) But one of the models is Allie from The City, if that makes any difference to you. [Racked]
• That other, slightly better, Target designer collection — Alexander McQueen's McQ line — is now available online. [Racked]
• Badgley Mischka's spring campaign, shot by Annie Leibovitz, features Anjelica Huston, Brooke Shields, Lauren Hutton, Eva Longoria...and Carrie Underwood. [WWD]
• I really hope that Agent Provocateur, the lingerie label, won't be hurt by all this press about their "racy" and "saucy" new ad campaign. I mean, what if The Sun were to determine it "crosses" the line"? I imagine that'd be just terrible. [The Sun]
• An ad for Olay's Regenerist wrinkle cream has been banned in England for being "offensive and demeaning to women" — because the makers, Proctor and Gamble, lied about the results of a study of the cream's effectiveness, and implied that cosmetic injections were an inevitable step in as any woman aged. [Telegraph]
• In Milan, Roberto Cavalli showed an 80s-heavy collection that was so small the LA Times wondered if all his samples had arrived. Could the cash bleed of his diffusion line, Just Cavalli — whose licensee, Ittierre, went bankrupt, and then sued Cavalli this week for angry statements the designer had made to the media about his losses — be affecting his main line? [LA Times]
• Scarlett Johansson, face of Dolce & Gabbana cosmetics, was the inspiration for the makeup at Dolce & Gabbana. Pat McGrath recreated "modern Hollywood glamor" with false lashes, liquid eyeliner, and red lips, not that anyone's ever done that before. [WWD]
• The booker of Auguste Abeliunaite, the Lithuanian 16-year-old who cried on the Jil Sander runway, says Abeliunaite won't be going to Paris, despite walking four top shows in Milan, because she's too young. But Paris sets — and actually does a good job enforcing — 16 as the minimum age for runway work. (Milan has no age limit.) And a girl who'd walked any show cast by Russell Marsh, let alone Prada, would be sent to Paris yesterday if she were really 16. My guess is this pale-eyed schoolgirl has a passport that makes her out to be 15 or younger. [WSJ]
• There's good news and bad news on the retail front this morning. First, let's do bad: The Body Shop is cutting 275 jobs. [WWD]
• And Kenneth Cole's fourth quarter loss has increased, to $12 million. [WWD]
• Liz Claiborne's fourth quarter net loss also widened — to $828.9 million. The company also declined to provide an earnings forecast for 2009. [WSJ]
• Adidas, meanwhile, increased its fourth quarter profits by 151%, or to a net of $74 million. [WWD]
• And all the designers are cutting costs — by rooming together at the Ritz for the Paris shows. Alexander Wang, Brian Reyes, and Victoria Bartlett are reportedly sharing digs, which sounds like the most awesome sleepover, ever. [The Cut]
• There's an unusual juxtaposition of stories in WWD's brief items this morning: first up is Simon Doonan, who was asked about the fashion industry's troubles at an AIDS benefit auction he co-hosted with Tim Gunn, which is all standard fare. But then next is a paragraph about an ultrarunner who spent five years running across six continents, all of which was filmed by his wife for a documentary, and in so doing raised $400,000 for an Alaska-based charity. The fashion content of the latter story is unclear; the reporter, in being dragged so far from his realm of expertise, also seems to have gotten a little confused. Something about the sentence, "His wife was held with a knife to her throat for more than an hour at the Morocco-Gibraltar border," strikes one as off. Perhaps because there is no "Morocco-Gibraltar border" — only some 7.7 nautical miles of sea. [WWD]
• Paris Hilton's perfume will exist for another five years. Sigh. [WWD]

• There's the usual gloom, sex, scandal and, ahem, 50 Cent's makeup line - today, but first, brace yourselves: Michelle Obama has not RSVP'd to Fashion Week. This woman's priorities are way out of whack! [WWD]

• About Fitty: he's starting a men's grooming line, containing both moisturizers and supplements. Quoth "someone," "his range will be for the guy who likes to be pampered, but the supplements will make it more butch." [Yahoo via New York]
• Katie Holmes' latest batch of Miu Miu photos is "softer" than the last: Read, she's lying around dreamily in firelight. [Popsugar]
• A bunch of children's Harajuku Lovers Hooded Jackets by Gwen Stefani are being recalled in California because their defective ties are a "strangulation risk." [CPSC]
• Kelly Cutrone, who's cut an awesomely bitchy swath across the reality show landscape, may now be getting her own. Fashion PR doyenne Cutrone, who's stirred pots on The City and The Hills, has inked an eight-episode deal with Bravo for a show that follows her, presumably, insulting people at her company People's Revolution. [New York Post]
• Alexander McQueen brings a touch of punk to a Target near you: "The heart of McQ is rebellious youth culture, a certain spirit that embodies the regular line as well as the Target collection. It's an ‘eighties punk aesthetic that evokes the anarchy and social change of the time. Youth culture now really looks back and embraces the past, but keeps it contemporary but not sticking to one particular style." [New York]
• Victoria's Secret is introducing a new, green fragrance line to the bordello, plus a perfume that "smells like lace." [Racked]
• It would seem that the president of Theory was one of Madoff's manifold victims, along wit a score of other fashion insiders. Bernie, meanwhile, is still sitting pretty under house arrest - one hopes not in a Theory suit! [WWD]
• It's not much, but they'll take it: LVMH reported a "slim annual increase" and flat profits for the year. [WSJ]
• In case no one was sure that Lorenzo Martone was Marc Jacobs' boy toy, the Brazilian looker sported, to the premiere of He's Just Not That Into You, a shirt bearing the immortal words: "Do me in the park. Marc." [New York Post]
• Sometimes there's just no point in paraphrasing the perfection of the British press:
  "Alice Hawkins looks like Dolly Parton and likes to hang out with gangsters, showgirls and topless models. She also happens to be one of the fashion world's hottest photographers." [Telegraph]
• Oh noes! Teri Agins, the respected Wall Street Journal fashion writer, is a recession casualty. [Forbes]
• Hey, remember that cute "I die. Bananas" tee? Yeah, cease and desist. Zoe has them trademarked. [New York]
• DVF just threw an odd luncheon, the guest list of which included Diana Ross, James Frey, The City + cameras, and a bunch of designers. Stars: they're nothing like us! [WWD]
• Ugh: The UGG index is up, which is bad news for real shoes, the economy. [MSNBC]
• UGGS, at least, are total depression-wear: dreary, warm, stolid. The continuing popularity of Crocs? Totally baffling! [Telegraph]
• Zara, one of the other indestructibles, expands its sorta-fast fashion to India. [FT]
• We can add nothing to this: Lilly Pulitzer-print Jeep. [Fashion Week Daily]
• What can we say? Digging on Julia Roitfeld's ads for Mango! [Fashionista]

• Britney is so freaked out about her world tour, she's been having panic attacks. A source says:

"She has been telling her doctor she feels under pressure and ill when she thinks about touring." Is it possible she needs a break? [The Sun]

• Joaquin Phoenix swears his rap career is not a joke: "There's not a hoax. Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that's possible, but that's certainly not my intention." [USA Today]
• Angelina Jolie doesn't watch her own movies: "There’s a film or two I haven’t seen. I don’t really like to watch movies. I love to watch Brad’s movies though." We knew something was wrong with her. [The Sun]
• Oh, but Angelina does say that Oscar night: "I'm rooting for Brad." Plus, these are her priorities, in case you are wondering: "I'd say kids first, kids, woman to Brad and then my work internationally and being a kind of ... trying to educate myself and trying to learn about the world and ... trying to do some good things while I'm alive." Acting is like, fourth, or whatever. [People]
• Guess who isn't happy that Madonna has been parading around town with a 22-year-old Brazilian model? Alex Rodriguez. Apparently, a source spills, "Madonna likes to be in control." Do tell! So, yeah. Jesus Luz is more attentive and Madge was never committed to A-Rod anyways. [Gatecrasher]
• Jennifer Hudson's lip-sync-y prerecorded Super Bowl "Star Spangled Banner" is available for download on iTunes. [E!]
• Chris Martin and Coldplay: Viva la lawsuit, from Joe Satriani. [Fox 411]
• Prince threw a "rowdy" party with a dance bash where his band did '70s and '80s covers, and after his guests did a huge Electric Slide, His Purpleness quipped, "Y'all done tore up my carpet. I'm never inviting y'all back." [USA Today]
• Victoria Beckham is in talks to be a judge on popular UK show The X Factor. If David indeed becomes a fulltime player for AC Milan, the whole family will be moving back across the pond, sigh. [Daily Mail]
• Uh, this report says there is "no truth" to the rumor that Victoria will join X Factor. [The Sun]
• Ashton Kutcher wrote a long-ass MySpace blog entry in which he attempts to explain his Twitter obsession: "Our intention in becoming more active on the web has been with the effort to connect to the community in an effort to create a greater bond with the amazing fans that we have adopted over several years." [Perez]
• By the by, even though it was reported by the National Enquirer that Ashton and Demi Moore would adopt, Demi says, "Don't ever believe what you read there." But what about the John Edwards love child??? [UPI]
• Sean "Diddy" Combs didn't want the cops to search him before entering a party in New York where Kobe Bryant and a bunch of basketball stars were in attendance. What would they have found? [Page Six]
• Mickey Rourke and Sean Penn: Ironed out their differences? [Page Six]
• Celebs are feeling the recession: America Ferrera will only have one house; Eva Longoria wore the same outfit twice; Britney is driving a Mitsubishi. [MSNBC Scoop]
• The dude from the Kooks dumped Mischa Barton and she is "heartbroken," poor thing. [The Sun]
• Jude Law plays a transvestite supermodel named Minx in an upcoming movie called Rage, and from the looks of this picture, he's fairly comfortable in eyeliner and a wig. [Daily Mail]
• Julian Lennon and Sean Lennon will not, repeat, not perform together at a UN event in NYC on February 26. [Fox 411]
• The Speed-the-Plow crew cancelled a recent taping of Theater Talk when they learned the Jeremy Piven stuff would be brought up. The Voice's Michael Musto says: "Duh." [Village Voice]
• Leona Lewis on her autobiography: "I’m doing a picture book. A picture speaks a thousand words and I’m a big fan of photography." [The Sun]
• Girls Gone Wild mogul Joe Francis has been released from federal custody and is on home detention. But doesn't that mean he can watch DVDs of Girls Gone Wild? [Reuters]
• Congrats to model Angie Everhart, who is pregnant with her first child. Baby daddy is "very nice" but not her boyfriend or anything. "It's nobody you know," she says. [E!]
• Blind item! "Which A-list action star is trying to fool fans with his new face-lift?" [Gatecrasher]
• Mariah Carey Valentine's Day e-cards are delightfully tacky! [Pop Dirt]
• The chick who is Tina Turner's dance captain sounds totally awesome and kick-ass. [The Star]
• The Newlywed Game is coming back to TV and Carnie Wilson will be the host. Whether she will say "make whoopie" remains to be seen. [AP]
• Some reject on American Idol ripped into Simon Cowell, saying: "You need to get some wardrobe. For somebody to be so rich, your pants are very, very cheap, with that cheap, very lame shirt you've got on." The Brit press calls it a "cheeky rant." [Daily Mail]
• The dude from The City changed his name and got a record deal. [Page Six]
• "I am a dad. I think it's probably the worst thing any parent could face, the abduction of a child. It really is. Death is preferable. There's no question of that." — Liam Neeson, star of Taken. [Mirror]
• "I've never met anybody with a higher sex drive than me ever in my entire life." — Mel B. [The Sun]

• Miley Cyrus is seen "slanting her eyes" in a picture that's been circulating on the web.

An Asian American advocacy group says she "encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent." What is it with these Disney stars? [Perez]

• Angelina, Brad and the brood will live in Brazil next. [The Star]
• Amy Winehouse wants to leave St. Lucia and go to Jamaica to record her album. But, as this paper points out, "her label is 'fully aware' Jamaica is awash with drugs like crack cocaine and cannabis." Didn't you think they just had lots of weed? [The Sun]
• Was Jennifer Hudson "singing" at the Super Bowl actually Jennifer Hudson lip-syncing to a backing track of herself singing? [EW, Independent]
• Jennifer Hudson will perform at the NAACP Image Awards on February 12. [People]
• MTV wanted the girls on The City to fake a physical fight at the DVF office. Tacky, tacky! [Page Six]
• Jennifer Connelly is on the March cover of Glamour looking stiff and glazed-eyed. Pretty hair, though! She says: "It’s been so long since I’ve dated that I don’t understand what’s going on anymore with things like Facebook and MySpace. A friend of mine wrote 'LOL' to me the other day. I thought she meant 'Lord, oh, Lord.'" [Just Jared]
• Michael Phelps knew that bong picture was coming out. A source says: "There was an effort to purchase it, there was even talk of him writing a sports column as well for a period of time to in exchange for not running it. But the News obviously knew what it had on its hands. They weren’t going to play ball." [MSNBC]
• Halle Berry's baby's first word? "It was probably 'dada,'" says baby daddy Gabriel Aubry. "She doesn't say 'dad.' She says 'papa,' which is the French version of it." Oh, and Halle and Gabriel want more kids: "She needs a sibling," Aubry says. "I think it's important." [People]
• Anne Hathaway's Oscar date? Her dad. "If I can squeeze a few more tickets, I'm going to see if I can take my brother and my mom. This is my first, maybe my only, time going. Hopefully not! My family is the most important thing in the world to me. I definitely wanted them by my side." [People]
• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer spent Super Bowl Sunday together, hanging out with friends and watching the game. Snooze. [People]
• Faye Dunaway will guest star on Grey's Anatomy! [UPI]
• Katherine Heigl and her husband rescued a puppy in Mexico and he's freaking adorable. [Yahoo News via E!]
• You know how Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were throwing things at the house next door, for undergoing noisy construction? "Internet hustler" Jason Calacanis is ripping them new ones. [Gawker]
• Oh: Ashton and Demi may adopt a child this summer! [MSNBC]
• Gwyneth Paltrow wasn't exactly thrilled with a "smutty" interview conducted by BBC1's Jonathan Ross. [Daily Mail]
• Spoiler alert! Click to find out what might be going down on a future episode of Lost. Sawyer's involved. [AP]
• Paris Hilton has purchased a £2 million home in London. You know she has a TV series, My British Best Friend, right? [Mirror]
• Paris hosted a Super Bowl party while her ex Benji Madden DJ'd. Awkward? Oh, and Paris maybe made out with Doug Reinhardt. [Perez]
• Mark Wahlberg and longtime girlfriend Rhea Durham — who have three kids — are planning a wedding. In a Catholic church. Is that kosher? [People]
• If you see Joe Francis of "Girls Gone Wild," let him know there's a warrant out for his arrest. Tax evasion case. [Reuters]
• Apparently the reason David Spade gets so many ladies is because he has a large dick. Try and erase that from your mind. [Perez]
• Chelsy Davy is not just a partying blonde: She has accepted a post at a law firm and will train as a solicitor later this year, after completing her degree. [Daily Mail]
• Those SNL "MacGruber" sketches that are also Pepsi commercials confuse some people. [AP]
• Vincent Gallo is selling a wallet that is "guaranteed" to get you laid. Cost? $750. [Page Six]
• Brunch with Sienna Miller involves dancing on the chairs. [Page Six]
• Blind items! "Which two Hollywood buddies should go home to their wives instead of partying together in New York clubs with bags of cocaine? . . . Which sitcom actor avoids socializing with industry professionals? Though his flamboyance is obvious, he stays in the closet with his close-knit - and tight-lipped - circle of gay friends." [Page Six]
• Why did Larry Birkhead bring Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn to the set of Larry King Live? (She's cute though!) [Daily Mail]
• Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel was encouraged to get naked for teen drama Skins by his own mother. [Mirror]
• "Dozens" in Mumbai protested against Slumdog today. [Reuters]
• Pete Doherty is getting evicted from a nine-bedroom house because there's graffiti on the walls, stray cats and trash everywhere and, oh, yeah: The landlord feels he's turned the place into a drug den. [The Sun]
• Roman Polanski's lawyers have lost their bid to disqualify all L.A. judges from hearing his case; they claimed the entire Los Angeles Superior Court bench is biased against the director. The court has ruled that the hearing can go forward. [Variety]
• Bobby Brown's girlfriend is pregnant. It's his prerogative. He can do what he wanna do. [TMZ]
• Lionsgate pictures has acquired Sundance Film Festival winner Push: Based On The Novel By Sapphire, and Oprah and Tyler Perry will team up to promote the flick. The film's star, Mo'Nique, was honored with a special jury prize. The story revolves around an overweight, illiterate African-American teen in Harlem who's about to give birth to her second child when she is accepted into an alternative school. [Variety]
• Six Feet Under producer Alan Poul will direct Plan B, a film starring Jennifer Lopez as a single woman who meets the man of her dreams on the very day she conceives a child through artificial insemination. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Mel B. and Eddie Murphy seemed to have settled a "secret" legal battle over their daughter. Mel B had always said that Eddie didn't want a relationship with the child, but the agreement states that Eddie will not have custody, but will have visitation rights. [Mirror]
• Usher's Atlanta wine bar, Grape: squashed. [Perez]
• Congrats to David Eisenberg, Sex And The City's Steve, who, along with his wife, welcomed his first child on January 19. [E!]
• Erykah Badu and boyfriend Jay Electronica Twittered the birth of their baby girl over the weekend; Badu says it was home birth that lasted about five hours and that she didn't use painkillers. Ow. [USA Today]
• The late Keith Moon of The Who is being honored with a "blue plaque." [Independent]
• "I can't deal with actors. I can't deal with myself. We're neurotic and miserable... I love doing what I'm doing, but while I'm doing it, I'm miserable." — Viola Davis. [Yahoo News via E!]
• "It's impossible for me to rebel against my parents because they are such crazy people. I can't rebel against the normal things that people rebel against." — Lorcan O'Toole, whose father is Peter O'Toole and mother is Karen Somerville, an ex-girlfriend of the actor who worked as a model. [Telegraph]
• "I used to never even be able to see a boy. I didn't even know what a boy was. They were so foreign to me. I used to go roller-skating just so I could see the opposite sex. There was this boy... and he never asked me to backward couple skate with him. I was emotionally scarred by 11 or 12 years old." — Katy Perry. [Yahoo News via E!]
• "It's unfortunate. There's no one more disappointed about it than him… He's getting a lot of flack about it and it's really unnecessary." — Mark Wahlberg on the Jeremy Piven kerfluffle. [E!]
• "I don’t know. It was something about the way that we were together. He stood out to me as someone singular and rare and beautiful, and I liked the way he was in the world…. I liked the way he was with my son and the way he made me feel." — Jennifer Connelly on knowing Paul Bettany was The One, in Glamour. [Just Jared]
• "It's so funny to me that the role is a guy who is an Oscar-seeking moron. His whole motivation is Oscars. Irony is synonymous with pretty much everything that is going on." _-Robert Downey Jr., on being nominated for Tropic Thunder. [USA Today]
• "When you get to my age, you do running repairs. I had my fourth hair transplant as it means I don't have to wear wigs in a movie." — John Cleese. [Daily Mail]
• "One of the things I just loved about Liev right away was that he was so good with kids." — Naomi Watts. [People]
• "All the men want to be Don Draper, all the women want to fuck him. Everyone thinks he's the perfect man, and Pete Campbell is jealous of him. But Draper's completely incomplete, completely lonely, completely detached, completely alone. It's why he reaches out to all these women, it's why he needs to take charge in business, to belittle Pete. He's completely alone. Loneliness isn't a phase or a mood, it's a core condition of being and some of us deal with it better than others - build a family or make a million dollars. Or Draper, coming home to the empty house at the end of season one. That's a big theme of the show: unattachment, loneliness, distance." — from a worth-your-while interview with Vincent Kartheiser of Mad Men. [Guardian]
• "I wanted to have that big giant dance video moment. I wanted it to be plastic, beautiful, gorgeous, sweaty, tar on the floor, bad-ass boys, but when you got close, the look in everybody's eyes was fucking honest and scary." — Lady GaGa, on her new video, set in a subway station and deaturing "a menacing flock of bondage-loving biker-gang dancers." [EW]
• "Well here you have it. My final blog… Before I go, however, I must say that I received a text message from a very close and dear friend of Lindsay's who I trust and admire. The text said, 'between you and me you are doing the right thing. From what I hear, from Lindsay's nearest and dearest friends, Lindsay is worse off than ever since she she has been with Sam. I told Dina that Lindsay needs you back in her life, and I think you know that I was the one who really helped Linds get into rehab.' I was with Lindsay when she got out of Cirque Lodge. I saw and experienced the 'old Lindsay' with so much hope and promise. I had full confidence in her. Then back came Samantha! Can't you all see this? Am I speaking to stone walls? All I ask that you put your selves in my shoes and HONESTLY consider what you would do." — Michael Lohan. [Mike Lohan Online]
• "I get very emotional about these things, I discover. I think I'm not cut out for this. I'm too emotional to lose, and I'm too emotional to win." — Kate Winslet, on the Oscars. [Daily Mail]
• "I think with the success of a few big pictures like Mamma Mia! addressing an audience that, never mind being neglected, have been disdained in the boardrooms, there will be other films that target that audience. Mamma Mia! is that rare thing you can enjoy with your mother or your child, and its aim is only to make you happy." — Meryl Streep. [Mirror]
• "Fuck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and for a second your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I’m trying to do? I’m a good person and I’m trying to put good things into the world." — Gwyneth Paltrow, on critics of her "lifestyle blog," GOOP. [Examiner]

Olivia, a 22-year-old who moved out of her parents Upper East Side apartment this summer into her own $4,150 a month bachelorette pad, was infamous on Socialite Rank for allegedly writing an email to other socialites (which inevitably made the rounds on blogs), apologizing for being a sycophantic social climber and asking for "acceptance," which in itself is kind of sycophantic and climber-y. She was once a student at New School, has a fan site, and up until this past July, insisted she would not be appearing on The City because she wanted to be "a serious actress." That is, until, she, like many others in their early-20s, had a change of heart about career plans and decided she wanted to be "a brand." (She's Whitney's "work" friend on the "reality" show and not really a publicist. She just plays one on TV. She actually has a PR firm, Rogers & Cowan, in her employ.) In the clip above, Olivia tells Whitney about her first pair of Manolos that she wore to her deb ball. Then Whitney sits down with her mentor and former People's Revolution boss Kelly Cutrone, who, when she learned about Whitney working with Olivia, said, "Shut. Up. She got a job? That's very unlike her. Why is she working?"

It's hard to tell what exactly is contrived and what's the real deal, but that doesn't stop people from trying. Today, the New York Post reveals that Whitney's day job on the show—doing in house PR for Diane Von Furstenberg—is fake, with one source saying "She doesn't really work. She is hardly ever in the office." And that comes as no surprise, given Whitney's employment history on The Hills, "stylink" at Teen Vogue, and PR at People's Revolution, when in real life, she's actually designed her line of clothing Eve & A.

In The Hills episode that sets up the premise for Whitney's spinoff, she's alerted to an opening at DVF through Kelly Cutrone, her boss at People's Revolution, and while she's in NYC on business, she goes to a bar and meets a musician who will be her love interest on her own show. Perfect coincidence or perfect casting? It all seemed too perfectly suited for tripod camera-captured moments to actually be real moments.

However, Cutrone insists to New York magazine (in a very lengthy new article about the show) that Whitney was a "very real" employee at People's Revolution, and that she played no part in MTV's machinations in inventing a new ingenue. "It wasn’t like I did all that for Whitney thinking she’d get her own show,” she says. “It’s not like I’m in secret cahoots with DVF here. I mean, I don’t even represent her.” However, New York notes that Cutrone is currently pitching her own show about her own life with the working title Kell on Earth. So is everyone just playing along with this manufactured reality in order to achieve the new Paris Hiltion-esque American dream of creating a career out of participatory self-exploitation?

As for what's real and what's fake, it looks like Whitney's relationship with Jay Lyon, the Australian musician, is indeed for real. And that's weird for a number of reasons because she's reportedly been dating similarly named E! News' Ben Lyons for a while now.

As for whether or not she's even really living in NYC, that's up in the air. She tells New York, “I’m living in either midtown or the Gramercy area—I don’t really know, to be perfectly honest. I’m in a tall building, way up high.” Who doesn't know what neighborhood they live in? And as for the "supporting cast," well, they consist of the usual suspects of NYC's climber-y circle, namely Olivia Palermo, a self-professed socialite who told producers she wanted to be on the show "because I want to be a brand.” Ew. Olivia was originally supposed to be featured on a different show about glamorous NYC twentysomethings pitched by Devorah Rose, who made a memorable appearance on the reality show The Fashionista Diaries.

To sum it up, Whitney says of The City and its cast: "It’s a really wonderful opportunity for all these kids," recognizing that her "reality" is less of a life, and more of a vehicle. However, it may be one that's stalled. The most recent Hills season finale (which aired December 22) averaged 2.6 million total viewers, down from 3.8 million for the previous season finale. Maybe viewers finally realized that in order to follow the lives of these people, Us Weekly is a much more accurate source. And how fucked up is it that we just referred to a tabloid as being more accurate than what's captured on tape?

Run for the Hills [NY Mag]
Holidays Hurt "Hills" As Finale Ratings Fall [Reuters]
HARD LABOR [NY Post]
Whitney Port talks 'The City,' and drops a major 'Hills' scoop! [EW]
Earlier: 'The Fashionista Diaries': Devora Rose Gives Mandie "Cunt Face" Erickson A Run For Her Money

• Sara Trumble, the nanny who used to take care of wee Beatrice McCartney, is suing Bea's mum, Heather Mills, because "Mills required her to blow-dry Mills' hair, work unreasonable hours, and spray-tan a naked Mills."

• At least the nanny only had to spray-tan one leg! Mills denies the accusations and her flack says, "Heather is devastated that Sara, who Heather considered a part of her family, should choose to level these accusations at her. This claim will be vigorously defended." [MSNBC]
• This Tom Cruise interview in the Sun sounds like it was robot generated. Sample passage: "He says: 'Life is never boring because I’m meeting so many interesting people and I have so many interests.'" Tom also says he wants ten children and that he regrets speaking out about Scientology because it made him sound like a loon, and he's not talking about it these days. "‘That’s it, no more — go to the Scientology website." [The Sun]
• Is J.Lo's marriage really dunzo? Though she and Marc Anthony renewed their vows mere months ago, sources tell the Daily News they're going to file for divorce after Marc's Valentine's Day show at Madison Square Garden. “Jennifer is planning on joining Marc onstage for a surprise duet. Things haven’t been right for a while now, and they thought it would be a bittersweet farewell.” Both J.Lo and Marc have been galivanting around without their wedding rings lately. [NYDN]
• Paris Hilton went to Melbourne, Australia, to try to get a deal endorsing…something, but was unable to secure any cash. But don't cry for Paris, Australia: rumor is she will be getting a cool $100,000 to host a New Years' party in Sydney with her sister, Nicky. [Herald Sun]
• Mariah Carey: still not pregnant. Your Mariah womb watch will continue in 2009. [Fox News]
• Also not pregnant: Eva Longoria. But she sure does want to be! [Daily Express]
• Joel Madden wants to be an actor. The Good Charlotte singer and boyf to Nicole Richie has been taking acting lessons and secured a part in the upcoming tour de force from MTV based on the video game Rock Band. [MSNBC]
• Hugh Jackman says that his guilty pleasure is Cream Caramel and that he believes in love at first sight, because that's what happened with his wife. "I was 27, single and not expecting to get married. Then I met Deb and it was a no-brainer that we should be together as it was ten times better than being single." Aw. [Daily Mail]
• Are the Kardashian-Jenners feeling the credit crunch? They're putting their Hidden Hills, CA home on the market for $3.395 million. [TMZ]
• Apparently Kanye West has taken up chanting to "ward off evil spirits." Yeah, I don't know. [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse's former lover/assistant Alex Haines sold his story to The News of the World. Haines tells them that Amy had toast and crack for breakfast every day, was bulimic and an avid cutter. Oy. [Dlisted]
• Anjelica Huston's husband, the sculptor Robert Graham, has died. He's best known for his bronze work, notes the New York Times, particularly the sculpture that marks "the Roosevelt memorial, where bronze panels symbolize the 54 social programs that were initiated under the president's New Deal. Graham also created the life-size, bronze figure of President Roosevelt in his wheelchair at the entrance of the memorial." [NYT]
• Emma Watson finds the amount of money she made playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series (an estimated £10 million) fairly absurd. "Why would someone my age need this much money?" Watson says. "Let's face it, I don't really have any use for it." [Telegraph]
• Oh lord, Michael Lohan insists that he has Lindsay's best interests in mind. He writes to blogger Oh No They Didn't, "Is a villain someone who wants to keep people of a negative influence out of his daugther's life. A perosn who wants to protect her from and obviously unhealthy relationship which has brought her life and career to an all time low! 'inday is a good hearted gifted and blessed human being..The saying ':ow me who you walk with and I will tell you who you are." Michael Lohan's misspellings and bad grammar have been left unedited. [ONTD]
• Brace yourselves for this deeply upsetting surprise: Whitney Port's "job" at Diane Von Furstenberg as portrayed in the MTV reality show The City is not actually a real job. We know, you're ever so shocked. Says a source, "She doesn't really work. She is hardly ever in the office…[Real Furstenberg employees] can't get their work done because MTV tells them they can't move any thing at their work stations. They do so many reshoots that everything has to look exactly the same every day." Imagine that! [Page Six]
• Diddy offered the City of New York $1 million if they made Ciroc vodka the official vodka of New Year's Eve and painted the ball in Times Square purple, as purple is the color of grapes that are used to make his Ciroc. The City of New York has politely declined. [Page Six]
• A British director has made a documentary about Carla Bruni. In it she talks about her music and her marriage to French President Nicolas Sarkozy. She says her attraction to Sarkozy was "instantaneous" and "immediate." She adds, "I don't know what he has but he has something very protective that I have never found before, maybe because I was much more attracted to artists." [Telegraph]
• Here's a marginally funny video with Jerry O'Connell and a very pregnant Rebecca Romijn in which she pretends that she is her shape-shifting X-Men character Mystique and gets testy because her babies are too human to shape-shift. Mreh. [Funny Or Die]
• Madonna's alleged boyfriend, 20-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz, has recently appeared in an "erotic" TV show, says the Telegraph. Luz "guest starred as Diogo, a jilted boyfriend, in the programme, titled Hostel. He was seen being led by his girlfriend to a party, where he drank too much and got drunk, passing out on a chair. While Diogo was unconscious, his girlfriend was seen making love to another man." [ Telegraph]
• "There's nothing worse than being a woman in show business . . . you'll be asked to do only two things in every [bleep]ing role you ever play: take your shirt off and cry." — David Mamet. [Page Six]

[New York, September 25. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]