Thanks to a new Food and Drug Administration ruling, not even movie theaters and pizza shops will be safe havens for calorie overloads anymore. Every shop, picture house and chain restaurant must list their menu's calorie count. Merry Christmas and Happy Thanksgiving!

If your crotch is hankering to try someone new, but you stomach is hungry for something familiar, you take your piece on the side to a chain like Olive Garden. Because when you're there, you're family. (Without the obligation of being with your actual family.)