Jezebel: the+week+that+was

This Week We Were Tired Of Tyra, Elisabeth And Meme

Jessica — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:40:00 EST

We told Tyra yet again that she is no Oprah Winfrey. Learn it, live it, love it, Ty Ty. There is only one Winfrey.

We gave you a particularly noxious crap email with a secret twist at the end!
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is basically the worst person in the world. But at least she's occasionally entertaining!
Wait, scratch that. Meme Roth, the anti-obesity activist, is actually the worst person in the world. She wants to take ice cream away from your child.
Douchebags galore! Check out a new species of jerk called L'Homme Fatal.
On the bright side, we learned how to bump it!
Even brighter: best reality show moments of the year.
So bright we must wear shades: the latest dirt on the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
It's snowing here in old New York, so dress for yourselves this weekend, and have a good one!

This Week We Had A Gastric Bypass

Jessica — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:30:00 EST

We had some major tech surgery and now there's a lighter, leaner Jezebel. From the looks of our inbox, you hate it!

But you'll learn to tolerate it someday, just as we tolerate Ann Curry for those sweet sweet nuggets of Kathie Lee and Hoda.
Let's play a fun game: gay or adult? It's like the Jezebel version of You Might Be A Redneck If….
Paula Abdul is not gay, or really an adult, but she sure is slurry and also a bit bizarre.
Speaking of reality TV stars, So You Think You Can Dance makeup artist Amy Strozzi was the well-compensated genius behind Sarah Palin's pretty face during election season, and we shared some of her spackling secrets.
Palin did not make our list of the 15 Most Ridiculous Women
Well guys, it's my third to last Friday as an official Jezebel. So have a girdle debate in my honor and enjoy the weekend!

This Week We Wondered If Tina Fey Reached The Tipping Point

Jessica — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 18:30:00 EST

Tina Fey finally dished about her mysterious scar in Vanity Fair and we wondered whether she'd be famous if she hadn't glammed up.
Speaking of celebrity makeovers, Britney had her umpteenth comeback, and though her weave was clean, the sparkle in her eye was gone.
Scarlett Johansson never needed a makeover because she's actually a clone.

True story: Nicole Kidman actually cloned herself and had the cyborg clone carry her baby so she wouldn't have to get fat or give up botox. Everyone in Australia swears this is fact.
Non-cloned stars like Anne Hathaway are just like us! They get flustered when they meet ultimate nerd crush Jon Stewart.
Private Monica Brown won the silver star and haters are still trying to bring her down. Jon Stewart would never do that.
Nuclear Wintour was rumored, but Anna herself denied that she was leaving the editor slot at Vogue.
Guys, it's Friiiday. So cut your ball hair grab a Chow Chow and relax. You've earned it!

This Week We Had A Ball

Jessica — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:30:00 EST

...Just like Lance Armstrong, Hitler, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the other dudes with a single testicle.
But as far as we know, those dudes have bellybuttons, unlike Karolina Kurkova, the no-navel icon.
She may have a navel, but Lori Drew has no soul.
Michelle Obama has a soul and, according to an obsessed Salon scribe, a big butt.

Do vampires like big butts? Maybe we'll find out as Twilight mania takes over the nation.
Vampires seem rather chivalrous, unlike many modern men, so at least they'd let your big butt in the cab first.
Speaking of nether regions, one time Carrie Fisher's mom got her a vibrator for Christmas.
A wrap dress will cover up your business (usually), but is it ever flattering?
Victoria's Secret fashion show: covering your business in maribou since 1977.
You guys. Thank effing Gawd it's Friday! So eat, read celebrity gossip on the internet and nap the day away. You deserve it!

This Week We Discovered Shoving Garlic Up Our Hoohas Was Srsly "Uncool"

Jessica — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:00:00 EST

Picture it: the Jezebel nursing home, the year 2068. We'll turn on our headchips to watch the disembodied skull of Oprah host her show, and Jennifer Aniston, having been cryogenically frozen, will have been unfrozen just to make an appearance. Oprah will still ask Jen how she feels about Angelina Jolie and Jen will still think that what Angelina did was "very uncool." We may die, but this story will live on forever.
We found out the hard way that putting garlic up your nono is a no no.
Did we earn our yeast infections the same way Bikini Cory earned her nickname?
Joan Didion: officially more depressing than the mere existence of Bikini Cory.
Not depressing at all: this almost unbearably cute precocious French toddler. We just want to hear lil' Amelie say "crocodeeel" all day long.
Maybe she should have a cute-off with Maru, the box loving kitty from Japan.

Speaking of kitties! We said Hello, Blingee Kitty at the Sanrio Luxe opening.
We searched at home and abroad for for broads in our booze cabinets.
Obama may have been elected, but as long as fugly shoes clog up our stores, the national nightmare will continue.
You guys, it's Friday. So indulge in some hot food porn and have a good weekend!

This Week, Yes We Did

Jessica — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 18:30:00 EST

Unless you are living in a closet, under a rock, fifteen feet below the earth's surface wearing noise-canceling ear muffs, you've heard that Barack Obama was elected President. We still cannot stop smiling.
Or crying!! These videos of Maya Angelou, Sherri Shepherd, Oprah Winfrey and Gloria Steinem will probably make you tear up.
Obama's victory is a win for women, and these women, including North Carolinian Governor Beverly Perdue, Ohio Congresswoman Marcia Fudge, and New Hampshire Senator Jean Shaheen won their races.
But the truly important election is yet to come: the race for first puppy. We're single issue voters on a purely pro-Corgi platform.

We discussed Obama's status as a biracial icon.
Oh hey. Remember Sarah Palin? Well the Republicans who anointed her are now slagging her in the press, which is distasteful.
Unlike her wardrobe, which despite being horrendously overpriced (estimates have it at even more than $150,000, dontcha know), was quite classy!
But enough about her, let's talk about body image with Kate Winslet and Thin Is The New Pretty scribe Valerie Frankel.
Seriously, guys. We are wrecked. Bask in the win this weekend and dream of Michelle's inauguration dress. You deserve it!

We Just Want The Next President To Come On Down Already

Jessica — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 18:30:00 EDT

Only a few more days until the election, and Barack Obama is doing us a solid by appearing with two of our favorites: Rachel Maddow and Jon Stewart.
You know who is so not our favorite? Former Ms. editor turned turned Palin proponent Elaine Lafferty.
John McCain is also on our shit list for his female-unfriendly health plan.
However, we are totally in love with this Price Is Right-inspired Marie Claire fashion spread. Childhood nostalgia come on down!
But truly, nothing says nostalgia like these pictures of our childhood Halloween costumes.
Also making us nostalgic: thinking about raiding our moms' closets.

Like the timelessness of our mothers' garments, the grossness of American Apparel founder Dov Charney will last forever.
At least his name's not Tucker. He's got that going for him!
A better kind of American apparel: Michelle Obama's J. Crew duds inspiring a shopping spree.
You guys, it's Friday. So replay the Obama infomerical and cry big, hopeful tears. You deserve it!

This Week We Crashed At The Intersection Of Fashion And Politics

Jessica — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:30:00 EDT

We spent way too much time talking about Sarah Palin's sexy secretary garb and how much it cost and/or did not cost. But what we really want to know is how Palin gets her hair so big. Maybe her bouffant is built out of campaign secrets and the souls of unborn babies.
Maybe all Sarah needs is a good talking to from Tyra and Judge Judy. Then she'd learn to keep her receipts in order!
She has about as much sense as these crazy cat people. (We kid, we love them.)
But probably a lot more sense than Elisabeth Hasselbeck, whose t-shirt wearing antics have torn The View asunder.
Breaking: Goop makes us gassy.

Maybe that's why these Urban Outfitters moddles look so bummed out: they're suffering from a severe case of soy farts!
Also a bummer: potential voter suppression.
Interviewing Sarah Haskings confirmed our suspicions that she is awesome.
Attention It Girls, it's Friday. So rock out with your grillz out and have a great weekend.

This Week We Paid Our Respects To An American (Doll) Icon

Jessica — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 18:00:00 EDT

R.I.P. American Girls original, Samantha Parkington. May you rest in peace with the other overpriced, historically accurate plastic toys in the sky.
Another American icon on the decline: Hugh Hefner's bunnies and balls are musty.
Speaking of old balls, John McCain mocked women's health in an apocryphal argument against late term abortion.
I can't believe we have two more weeks of this. At least the debates are over.
Well, at least one contest of note is over this week: a Project Runway winner was declared, and her name rhymes with pee pan.
It might burn when you pee if Cosmo gives you a "pear-fection."

It would also probably burn when you peed if you had sex with a Don Draper type. Manwhores!
You should apologize to your body for any pear-fections incurred by Don Draper-esque encounters.
Seriously guys. It's Friday. So macramaé yourself a jumpsuit and throw down with Jane Winebox. You deserve it!

This Week Things Got Ugly Up In Here

Jessica — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:30:00 EDT

Less than a month until the election, folks, and it's getting really ugly.
John McCain sounding like a total loon during the debates, calling Obama "That One": ugly.
Illogical republican strategists yelling at Newsweek for putting a (gasp!) un-retouched photo of Sarah Palin on the cover: ugly!
Nikki Blonsky kicking Bianca Golden's mom in the vagina at an airport: ugly!
At least we have the unarguably awesome Sarah Vowell and Donna Brazile to guide us through the ugliness.
Though they can't really fix the ugly in this mess of the economy... or this Free People catalog.

Questions about pelvic exams? We're at your cervix.
Speaking of pelvic exploration, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist has an endearing and accurate depiction of teen sex.
Thank jebus it's the weekend. So kick back with a career romance like the young modern you are, and have a fantastic 48 hours with Hortense!

This Week We Were Drunk On Spinsters And Veeps

Jessica — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 17:30:00 EDT

Happy New Year, little Jewzebels. It's starting off pretty rocky, but we guided you through the rough shoals of the VP debates with a steady hand and a drunken heart.
This Palin supporter sounded like she was drunk with her garbled endorsement of the moosetest with the mostest.
Times are tough for this country, and for weepy Prodge Run contestants.
You know who always has a stiff upper lip and a lot of fun? "Spinsters."
Thankfully we can reminisce fondly about the days before we knew what a mortgage was. Check out the Jezebel school pictures and remember this: the older they are, the cuter they ain't.
You know what else ain't cute? Elisabeth Hasselbeck when she gets all yelly.

Even less cute: a mother and son who do it. That's like, the inverse of cute. That's etuc.
You know, some people think Michael Cera and his Earnest Fumbling Manchildren are pretty adorable, but we beg to differ.
We might be irked by EFMs, but they're still more enlightened than what ladies had to put up with in the days of Joan Holloway.
But you know, it's Friday, and guess what? WEEKEND JEZEBEL is here! So kick back, relax, and enjoy the new content.

Aye, Mateys, This Week We Were Not Lettin' You Into Our Knickers! (Me Parrot Concurs.)

Jessica — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:30:00 EDT

In honor of international talk like a pirate day, the remainder of this list will be conducted in pirate speak. Thank you for yourrrrrr support, landlubbers.

Aye, we told you how not t' get int' our pants. Aye, me parrot concurs.
Ahoy, Project Runway contestant Joe's Dress: Becky Home Ecky!
Aye, we started a culture war with Fox News' Ste'e Doocy. A pence for an old man o'de sea?

Aye, Doocy is probably just mad that McCain and Palin have terrible policies for women and he's takin' it out on us, argh!
Aye, McCain must think we're as dumb as McDonald's thinks we are.
Aye, once upon a time in a land called New Jersey, Rachel Zoe was a blushin' bride.
Ahoy, was that before, or after she started eatin' babies?
Arrr, but tis' Friday, argh! Drink as much grog as possible and rock out on your peg leg. You deser'e it.

This Week We Discovered You Can't Spell Palin Without PAIN

Jessica — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 18:10:00 EDT

We've gotten a lot of emails this week whining about the excess of Palin coverage. But you know what Palin hates more than anything — whiners! If you whine, the terrorists win…Or something. Anyway, check out what Judge Judy thinks about Sarah Palin.
Also check out what American Wife author Curtis Sittenfeld thinks about Sarah Palin!
Don't forget about comparing her future potential reign to Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale!
With all of this nonsense, we almost forgot it was FASHION WEEK! Check out Dodai's Project Runway Bryant Park show live blog and the rest of our fashion week posts.

And now for something completely different! Our ANTM girlcrush, Sheena.
Check it: The 8 Worst Hairdos A Man Can Have.
Are those more, or less offensive than the worst of the fall magazine ads?
The worst of all: Teen Vogue's awesome new eating disorder.
But you guys. It's Friday. So rock out those bad hairdos, shut off the CNN, and don't let anyone spike your drink with sexactivator.

This Week We Were Rage-O-Holics And Our Drug Of Choice Was Palin

Jessica — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:30:00 EDT

Only eight more weeks, people! At least we have hilarious helpers like Sarah Haskins and Samantha Bee to shepherd us through these difficult times.
I don't know if you'd heard, it's kind of under the radar, but Bristol Palin is pregnant. Some of us think it is a non-issue.
Others of us want to use it to question Palin's policy on education, abortion, and health care.
But you know, asking Palin questions about these things is just SEXIST, you pinko media elites!

Our very own media elite, Megan, braved the RNC so we didn't have to.

Instead, we sat at home with our righteous, indignant, borderline insane rage.
Ok. Deep breaths people. You know what? It's Friday. Find your own personal Levi The Defiler and bang the crap out of that gum-chewing troglodyte! It'll get your mind off things. Just remember use a rubber.

We Love Shelly-Ann & Shawn Like McAdams Loves Gosling

Jessica — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 18:30:00 EDT

More Olympian ovations! This week we crushed on Shelly-Ann Fraser's gleaming braces and Shawn Johnson's balance beam dominance.
You sent in your retro sports photos, which won the adorable Olympics.
We audibly squeeeeeee-d when we discovered that Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams were back together. Squeee!
We did not squee over P.U.M.A.s, Will Bower, or any other mouth-breathing, politically destructive a-holes.
International Male from the early mid-80s. Fringe and short shorts and spandex oh my!

We pondered fast fashion.
We no longer want to ponder the status of Jennifer Aniston's vagina, ring finger.
It's the weekend, y'all! So eat some questionable sushi, read some delightful YA novels about brother fucking and relax!

This Week We Talked About Booties, Olympian And Otherwise

Jessica — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:40:00 EDT

We're not gonna lie, there was some gawking at Olympic bods 'round these parts.
But there was also grinning at gymnasts, thrilling wins from Michael Phelps, controversies over the Chinese and Golden Girls all around.
Jennifer Love Hewitt wants you to kiss her ass. But only if it's skinny!
Speaking of ass masters, don't miss our interview with Margaret Cho.
Moddles got lost in teh soopermarket, kan no longer shop hapully.
We, however, can shop happily for Mad Men-inspired 60s duds.

We love the moddle in September's Glamour, Sabina Karlsson. Get a load of them freckles, folks!
We let you explore our (ice) boxes.
It's the weekend, guys! So poop wherever your heart desires, and follow Liz Smith's lead: gin and Snickers for all!

This Week We Were Not Afraid To Go There Or Say Goodbye

Megan — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:00:00 EDT

We said our final au revoir to Moe [sniff]
The McCain campaign said it's final goodbye to tasteful commercials with its eminently mockable Paris-Britney one, its new Moses one and it's kicky Spanish language one.
Watching Gavin walk a mile in Tracie's shoes made for far, far better viewing.
We tried it out ourselves, metaphorically speaking, in posts talking about sterilization, teen pregnancy and sex workers.
Walmart talked to its workers about voting Democratic. It's bad, they think. [HuffPo]
It might have been cool to be a pretty girl when we were younger, not that it keeps you from getting hurt or getting Photoshopped into something supposedly prettier, but some people think it might help you get a man.

Obama got taken to task for supposedly not paying enough attention to the issues of the African-American community, and we took a woman to task for making a stupid list about what dudes don't know about her.
Moe tackled the complexities of mass murderers' psyches and the psyches of female suicide bombers while finding time to weigh in on boy-shorts — but left the even absurder man-tights questions to Sadie and the important questions about the decline of the ladies' magazine industry (to which her departure will certainly contribute) to Dodai.
Margaret and I got a little obsessed with incest. Yeah, don't ask.

This Week We Were Not Afraid To Be Servicey

Jessica — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Slut Machine finally revealed her makeup secrets by painting the tender, bearded visage of Gavin McInnes.
Sadie debunked the art of the Facebook photo, and proved that every last one of us is a loser.
Technicolor Kiddie Swimsuit EXTRAVAGANZA!
Moe is a Jezebel no moe. But don't worry, she'll be sticking around these parts in spirit and in Crap.
In our dream world, all insane divorce cases would be tried in the court of Judge Judy.
LOLHillz!
LOLVogue! Week of 10,000 LOLZ!

Teri Garr reminded us that there are still many funny, funny ladies in modern film who we'd like to befriend.
Estelle Getty is a friend who will be missed.
Even though working during a beautiful summer's day is the pits, it's the weekend, y'all! So enjoy your damn selves.

This Week We Waged War On Terrible TV Hostesses

Jessica — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 19:00:00 EDT

The long-awaited "all black" issue of Italian Vogue hit newsstands, and we gave you a guided tour.
Judy Blume taught us that having your dessert isn't all it's cracked up to be when you're a disgruntled 60s housefrau.
We became your personal style guru.
Three words: dolphin assisted birth.
See little Emily walk. See little Emily run the fuck away from George Bush.
We wanted to run screaming from Today Show bungler Ann Curry.
Speaking of loathsome tv personalities, it was a big week for Elisabeth Hasselbeck! She told us she has never used a vibrator and cried during a discussion of the N-word.

We shared our dirty desks with the world.
We discussed chick lit and Maxi with author Janelle Brown.
Times of London essayist said: incest is best put your brother to the test. We said: do not want.
We reminisced about advertising icons and proposed a few updates.
This week marked Dodai's one-year Jezeversary, so pour some out for our Hello Kitty-lovin' editrix this weekend!

This Week We Defended Fashion And Dismissed Deluded Ladymags

Jessica — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Sadie defended fashion from hateful Wintourish anti-heroes.
We told Seventeen's constructive criticism and eyeshadow advice to suck it.
Women's magazines "saved" Cathy Alter's life.
But not ours.
Dodai revealed her secret passion for juniors fashion..

Tracie slayed the "emotional conquistador."
Lamb cums all over Gwen Stefani's face!
We were fondly embarrassed by our fathers.
It's thankfully, oh so thankfully Friday! So enjoy your Cocktails n' Dreams and have a fantastic weekend