• In a video, skeevy CEO Dov Charney claims that "there's a conspiracy against celebrities in the Hollywood area" and that "the judges are generally patriarchal, they don't want to give celebrities a chance." Down with the patriarchy! [The Street]
• Word is, Katie Holmes shot her Miu Miu campaign yesterday. [Fashionologie]
• More inaugural gown sketches! We're not feeling 'em. [Politico]
• Colombian bulletproof jackets were inspired by our trigger-happy Veep. “This is a new market for us. Dick Cheney has helped raise awareness of accidents." [Think Progress]
• Thakoon, maker of Michelle Obama's "reverse kimono" DNC dress, has discontinued the design. [WSJ]

• Rich kid Peaches Geldof's music and fashion tips! "Most people who know me know I don’t follow fashion. I mean, I just dyed the tips of my hair blue for God’s sake. I hate stars who look totally overstyled, like Victoria Beckham; give me Courtney Love, with her babydoll nighties and ripped fishnet tights, any day. For me, fashion is about pushing boundaries. Vivienne Westwood once told me that people who aren’t creative or have no love for art don’t dress up, I asked her why people should and she replied simply, 'Because it’s fun.' Sage advice." [Nylon]
• DNR, the men's trade fashion mag, has been folded into WWD. [Fashionista]
• Steve & Barry's liquidates. [WWD]
• So does Bill Blass New York. [WWD]
• Cathy Horyn's all about Norma Kamali for Wal-Mart. Maybe we can call it...VallMa? [New York Times]
• Gap surpasses Wall Street's third quarter expectations. [Reuters]
• Liz Claiborne, however, is hit hard. [WWD]
• 80's icon Romeo Gigli is back, baby. "I have never created for 'someone' in particular, always for 'anyone' willing to take a journey of the imagination made up of dissonant harmonies, freedom and sharing." [IHT]
• Hoping to offset shopping malaise, Fifth Avenue outdoes itself with Christmas decorations. [IHT]
• Madonna's astroturf special? It's Vuitton. [New York]
• Mod maven Mary Quant unveils her special-edition stamp. [Sassybella]
• Modestly belly-buttoned moddle Karolina Kurkova has been voted "World's Sexiest Woman" by E. [InventorSpot]
• Beyonce's Japanese ads for “Samantha Thavasa” handbags — with singer Takuya Kimura — are pretty cool. [LifeFiles]

First: There's nothing here by popular American designer Marc Jacobs, because his Spring 2009 collection was just too weird for Ms. Obama.


But what about the always classy Oscar De La Renta?


This pale, lean column would be a breath of fresh air!


What about a bouquet of flowers? Optimistic and gorgeous, especially for March. There's another floral dress de la Renta designed for Spring that could work, as well.


Perhaps some understated glamour? Ms. Obama has fantastic shoulders, and would look regal in this.




Maybe Carolina Herrera would be a better choice:


A beautiful, ruffled gown in Democratic blue! (It also comes in red, which Ms. Obama looks great in.)


Or, imagine Ms. Obama's skin against this sunny, bright yellow.


This straight-and-narrow ivory column is graceful and timeless.




Consider this: Michelle Obama wore a dress by Thakoon at the Democratic convention, and he has a few designs for Spring that might suit her: pink and floral, slouchy, modern metallic or fluttery ruffles.

But perhaps she should try young designer Peter Som:


Even though it's casual, Michelle Obama could rock the hell out of this blue shirtdress.

Ditto this shimmery blue jacket and skirt. Plus, don't you think she'd really, really like this graphic dress? Totally up her alley.




Michelle Obama looks amazing in color. Maybe the editors of Vogue could choose something designed by fashion's comeback kid, Isaac Mizrahi?


This pink frock is feminine and strong at the same time.


Orange would definitely pop on the cover of a magazine. She'd also look great in this incredibly romantic pink gown by Mizrahi.




But, in this writer's opinion, the editors of Vogue should put Michelle Obama in a dress designed by Tracy Reese. As the only black woman to show in the Bryant Park Tent during Fashion Week in New York, Reese is an inspiration, just like Ms. Obama. And Tracy Reese makes exquisite garments:


A dreamy, shoulder-baring dress could be a soft, pretty cover choice.


Something truly unique, like this painted frock, would be interesting.


What about a whisper-soft, romantic gown that would make Michelle look like the Goddess of Spring?


When blue and red states come together, you get a strong, fierce purple. Michelle Obama could make a statement without saying a word!




Memo Pad: Michelle Obama to Vogue? [WWD]
Blake Bags Vogue, Too [Fashionista]

• Designers like Donna Karan, Elie Tahari and Thakoon are fighting to get to Michelle Obama. [WWD]
• Even though her Narciso Rodriguez dress drew mixed reviews. [NY Times]
• According to polls, 65% considered it a "Don't." [USA Today]
• Proenza Schouler’s Jack McCollough on the election. “A shout-out to the gays? I mean, never, ever, ever in an election or an acceptance speech has a President-elect said something like that. To hear that, for me personally, is so fantastic. Barack Obama is exceptional. Exceptional!” [Style.com]
• Exceptional enough to inspire a "Yes. We. Did." thong. [Babble]

• Speaking of Michelle, her favored label Thakoon's about to hit Target! Take a gander. [Nylon]
• Doesn't it seem weird that Ed Westwick should choose K Swiss as his first campaign? Or are we thinking of his character? [E!]
• Ooh, those snarky British writers do not like Peaches! "Fresh from a disastrous foray into column-writing, Peaches Geldof has decided to tuck her be-fringed head back into her shell and stick to what she knows best. Apparently, that is designing clothes. Her capsule collection for cult fashion collective PPQ is due to hit the shelves in Selfridges today." [Guardian]
• Apparently Vogue editor-at-XXL Andre Leon Talley was in the VIP section at Grant Park; rumor has it his mag has his eye on a Michelle cover. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Alexander Wang on the recession: "There’s a certain amount of fantasy to fashion, but you also have to think about the fit, the sell-through, the accessibility. There’s no point in creating clothes so out-there, so special that no one can wear them. I try to stay in touch with the customer. We’ve been lucky—our sales are growing. I think we were also pretty lucky to get out a T-shirt line. It’s nice to have a $65 product. But it’s also nice to have a $1,200 dress, say, for that person at Colette. The key now is that dress has to be worth what it costs." [Style.com]
• Online retailers expect a lot of holiday shopping...maybe because it doesn't feel like real spending? [WSJ]
• The recession takes a heavy toll on India's textile industry. [BW]
• Meanwhile, Britain prepares for a steep rise in clothing prices. [Guardian]
• Good news, at least, for Adidas! [WSJ]
• Lilly Pulitzer never ages...maybe because it's permanently middle-aged? [NY Times]
• Elite moddle management gets some escort service to stop using their name. We're sure Tyra's relieved. [NY Daily News]
• H&M TV? It'd better be an improvement on their soundtrack! [Fabsugar]
• Patagonia's ambitious plan to sell only recycled materials by 2010 proves harder than they anticipated. [Business Week]
• Meanwhile, a Japanese company attempts banana fiber denim. [WWD]<
  li>"Syunsoku" sneakers make people faster...or not. Either way, they're big in Japan! [Reuters]
• Speaking of shoes, Zappo's stellar customer service keeps the company healthy. [NY Times]
• "Lagerfeld goes through at least 365 bottles of Shu Uemura’s Pleasure of Japanese Bath oil per year. 'Normally, you’re supposed to put one cup in the bathtub,' he says, sitting in the leafy garden of Galerie Emmanuel Perrotin in Paris. “' put the whole bottle in every morning. It is the most divine product.' His beauty ritual doesn’t stop there: Lagerfeld spritzes a scent on various items of his clothing, not to mention his bedding. 'What I put on my sheets is always different from what I wear on myself. It’s like if I sleep with a person who uses another perfume.'” [W]
• Juicy Couture store opens in Manhattan, which for some reason means "the Harlem Boys' choir, American Ballet Theatre dancers, Juilliard school violinists, and stilt-walkers will entertain the likes of Gina Gershon, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Gretchen Mol, Molly Sims and Sarah Silverman, plus Saturday Night Live stars Seth Myers and Fred (Obama) Armisen." [New York Post]
• This fashion origami kit is totally the kind of thing we'd never actually assemble, but it's very cute. [Fashionista]
• Colin Firth on his director, Tom Ford: "If he turns his hand to this with the brilliance that he's turned his hand to everything else that he's ever done in his life, it'll be a masterpiece." [VogueUK]
• Ooh! Legendary fashion lecturer Rosamond Bernier is selling off some of her vintage couture! Well, it's fun to look. [Sassybella]

• Rumor has it that the mini moguls' "lifestyle differences" are tearing their fashion collabs asunder. “Ashley really wants to be a respected businesswoman and be taken seriously...MK does too, but she hasn’t been willing to give up her lifestyle and act like an adult for their job.” Result? MK is being "distanced" from the business end. [LA Times]
• Gossip Girls Blake Lively, Leighton Meester and Michelle Trachtenberg have all "designed" Stuart Weitzman heels for charity. "Blake's candy-themed kicks (no doubt courting comparisons like "sweet" and "confectious") are going for the highest of the three at $300 - Leighton's in the middle and Michelle's on the right." [Fashionista]
• A petulant Oscar de la Renta is skipping the Metropolitan Opera's opening night for the first time in 20 years. He "was none too happy to learn that Renée Fleming’s onstage frocks for the affair were designed by Karl Lagerfeld, John Galliano and Christian Lacroix." Um, is his ticket going begging? Sounds better than fashion week! [WWD]
• Markets rebound a tad; retailers still panicky. [WWD]

• Uh oh. Amidst the recent financial turmoil, Prada has called off its widely-reported plan to go public this year, "making it the global financial turmoil's most high-profile fashion victim." [WSJ, WWD]
• The "Obama Effect" has done wonders for designer Thakoon, whose rose-colored frock Michelle sported on nom night. "I saw her on TV and I couldn't even look, I was so embarrassed from being excited,'"quoth he. [LA Times]
• Norwegian designer Peter Dundas joins venerable print-meisters Pucci as creative director. [IHT]
• Rumor — no, it really might just be a rumor — has it that Marc Jacobs is opening a store in Manhattan's East Village. Which, even if true, doesn't seem like that big a deal. [Fashionista]
• Thes auction Naomi "Siddhartha" Campbell organized for the White Ribbon Foundation was a big hit. "London’s big spenders outbid each other for looks donated by designers including Alexander McQueen, Zac Posen and Christopher Kane." [WWD]
• "Last year, Giorgio Armani told Time that PETA had persuaded him to drop fur from his designs, but his fall line includes fur coats for babies, floral-printed fur coats, fur-hemmed skirts and fur-trimmed jackets." PETA's pissed. So now they're going to go back to the always-effective plan A: harassing and heckling! [P6]
• Gap is opening in Mexico, stealthily: it'll be opening "stores within stores" in an established department store chain. [WSJ]
• A graphic designer named "Salvor" has teamed up with Rogan to lauch a capsule collection which, one assumes, will have a one-word name. [Fashionista]
• Fans of both clothes and Sonic Youth — read, anyone — must be thrilled about Kim Gordon's new line, Mirror/Dash. Even if, so far, it's just one jacket. [BlackBook]
• The New Yorker's panel talk on "The Future of Fashion": snooze or revelation? [Fashionista]
• "A Japanese designer and furrier, Chie Imai, has called her autumn 2008 collection of fur-trimmed capes and boleros Eco Harmony." The fabric is, indeed, recycled. The fur? The animals in question might take exception to the "harmony." PETA certainly would. [Independent]
• Sears is introducing these 3-D virtual dressing rooms that will allow you to "try" things on from home. If you thought store mirrors were dishonest...! [Reuters]
• Betsey Johnson loves being a grandma, fresh fish. [Fashion Informer]
• Fashion Fringe winner: "Go By A Secret Path, aka designer Eun Jeong Hong, yesterday earned herself a rather nice end of week treat in the shape of £100,000, as well as continuous support from the Fashion Fringe at Covent Garden team to kick start her professional design career." [VogueUK]
• Abercrombie and Fitch pioneers "scent ambience services" in its stores. Why am I having visions of the poppy field in the Wizard of Oz? [Breitbart]
• Wyndam Hotel employees will go green whether they like it or not, sporting "uniforms made with polyester fibers spun from plastic beverage bottles." All we can say is, whoever made that virtuous decision better be wearing Coke couture, too. [BrandWeek]
• A few royals hit Fashion Week, but paps mostly had to settle for Kate Middleton's little sister. [WWD]
• Pamela Anderson escorted by "a man in a white mask" at Vivienne Westwood show. [ElleUK]

• Jessica Simpson's perfume is coming out. It's called "Fancy" and the following description doesn't even need to be parodied. '“Fancy is as alluring, feminine and romantic as Jessica Simpson herself. Her talent, charm and values have made her America’s sweetheart and have shown her to be the kind of person that women of all ages can admire,” Parlux chairman and CEO Neil Katz said in a statement.' Have at it, ladies! [Cosmetics News]
• Thakoon's new line is awesome. Which is good, because here's the part we really care about: they're doing a line for Target! [Glamour]
• Perhaps we underestimate Cavalli's influence? Kate Moss dropped from Grazia's best-dressed list. Maggie Gyllenhaal (yay!) is on it! [NY Mag]
• Wait. Victoria Beckham is showing at Fashion Week after all. "In the spirit of elitist designers like L'Wren Scott and Marchesa, Posh opted to show her frocks during New York Fashion Week to top editors and buyers by appointment only." Is this better or worse than a real show? [FabSugar]

• Proponent of sleaze, vertically-integrated manufacturing Dov Charney has lost his dog. Signs all over LA read: "Her Name is Hedkayce. I have had her for 10 years. She weighs 10lbs and has a scar on the left side of her face. She was left in the front yard of my home at 1809 Apex Ave. (Silverlake [sic] area). Please call at 213-923-7493 (cell) or my assistant Maria at 213-923-0616. ~ Dov Charney" [Racked]
• Fashion industry abandons plan to eliminate size zero models. "It has been shelved over claims of discrimination fears it could prevent models from working in this country, and a lack of support within the industry and from other fashion hotspots such as New York and Milan. " [Telegraph]
• Designer Ella Moss, known for cute, pricey, girly duds, to start making cute, pricey, girly swimwear. [WWD]
• There must be a dearth of real videographers around, otherwise why would model Coco Rocha be filming "behind the scenes" during fashion week for style.com? [Page Six]
• Zara (the #1 store in the world)'s fall and winter collex. [Telegraph]
• Intellectual fashionistas Rodarte up for a big award. [Style.com]
• Ann Taylor, mid-makeover, names new prez. [Wall Street Journal]
• Australian retailers/designers counting on the new Sydney Fashion Festival to get the dollars flowing. [News.com.au]
• Judge throws out L'Oreal's suit against eBay; the cosmetics giant was suing for the auction site's vending of knockoff cosmetics. [Wall Street Journal]
• More on that sleazy male model's kiss and tell: "Don't hit on the model whom the photographer has his eye on. If I couldn't figure out which girl he was going after," Hulse writes, "the likelihood was that he was coming after me." [BlackBook]
• Limited cuts a bunch of Limited Too stores, converts others to lower-end chain. [Wall Street Journal]
• Stephanie Seymour on the term "supermodel": "It's very embarrassing when you meet, like, a Russian prostitute, and she says she's a supermodel. And you're like, 'Hey, me too'," she told the World Entertainment News Network.' We, too, find it embarrassing when this happens.[VogueUK]

• Who knew Roberto Cavalli was such a big Diddy fan? Said the Italian designer at the Sean John show: "The only reason I'm still in New York is for Puffy. He is an artist and always puts on a real show. Maybe someday he will come to my show." [WWD, 7th item]
  
• The British Fashion Council's demand that all models walking London Fashion Week show up with a "certificate of health" may lead to a model boycott because, duh, models do not get paid to be healthy. [Telegraph]
  
• Rachel Zoe threw a total shitfit upon being denied entrance to the fashionably punctual Marc Jacobs show Friday night. There is justice in the world! [NY Mag]

• "I'm tempted, but no one else is drinking. I don't want to be the tacky one." Gretchen Mol on the champagne bottles that greeted front row attendees at the Marc Jacobs show on Friday night. But Gretchen, once you've got a snifter or two on an empty Fashion Week stomach, one is pretty blissfully unaware to whoever is being the "tacky one." [WWD, 1st item]
• "I'm kind of inspired by Ralph [Lauren]," says Sheryl Crow, who has her very own denim line in the works. And we all know "inspired by" means "steal my ideas from." [WWD, 13th item]
• Gucci's new "Gucci [Hearts] NY" campaign? Uh, didn't exactly clear it with the folks who own the trademark on "I [Heart] NY." [UPI]
• Designer Lars Nilsson has left the house of Gianfranco Ferre after only a five month-long tenure. Awkward. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Diane von Furstenberg will be starring in an American Express commercial directed by Capote director Bennett Miller, set to air on Oscar night. Which is mildly ironic since von Furstenberg has canceled her own Oscar party out of respect for the WGA strike. [Fashion Week Daily]
• What Rihanna learned at Fashion Week: "I know that prints are really in and I love how they pair the prints with a bold jacket." [Chic Report]
• Zac Posen's dad is just happy to see his kids playing nicely together: "I'm thrilled that [Zac] brought his sister Alexandra (his creative director) out with him at the end—seeing them both up there together was wonderful." [Chic Report]

• Amy Winehouse is reportedly making donations to a Romanian orphanage as a token of appreciation for donating the hair that makes up absurd/awesome monstrosity on her head. [Sassybella]
  
• Designer Keanan Duffy on his David Bowie-inspired line for Target: "Fashion is always out of fashion; what happens on the street is always stolen by designers who, by their very nature, are out of touch. I actually find unfashionable ideas to be more interesting." Um, yeah, you're not exactly doing a Frank Zappa-inspired collection here, so maybe get off the cocaine horse. [The Fashion Informer]
  
• "I'm supporting other women for what they do and want to do. I'm all about burning your bra." —Actress Jaime Pressly regarding her attendance at Nicky Hilton's fashion show. [WWD, 2nd item]
  
• Catherine Bailey is the next face of lingerie label Agent Provocateur. Moe doesn't know who that is, but the ads can't be as fugly as those Maggie Gyllenhaal ones. [Vogue UK]
  
• Designer Adam Lippes went on Oprah. Now he's having crazy sales. We wonder if he'll be sending her 21 pairs of Louboutins as a thank you? [WWD, sub req'd]

• Totally least surprising news of the day: Designer Thakoon to collaborate with luxury leather goods label Hogan. [Vogue UK]
• In case you were losing sleep worrying about it, LVMH made a really healthy profit last quarter. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Last night in London, artist Martin Creed had a party for an installation piece of his. The Calvin Klein S/S 2008 collection was show as part of it. Naomi Watts hosted. Mary Kate Olsen was guest of honor. This doesn't exactly sound like an art show to us. [Vogue UK]

• OMG! International Herald Tribune fashion critic Suzy Menkes and designer Marc Jacobs have somehow settled their seemingly-insurmountable differences! After their tiff in New York over Marc's really late fashion show, Marc left Menkes a Marc Jacobs T-shirt with a pretty bow on her seat at Louis Vuitton on Sunday. And what was on the T-shirt? A "love letter," says Marc. Coy! [Fashion Week Daily]
  
• But! Newsweek writer Dana Thomas, author of new luxury industry expose Deluxe: How Luxury Lost Its Luster, is now banned from Louis Vuitton after riding them particularly hard in her book about how luxury sucks now that it's all about logo-strewn accessories and crap. Good grief, couldn't LV just laugh all the way to the bank about shit like this? [Fashion Week Daily]
  
• Says Chloe Sevigny about being the face of the new Chloe fragrance: "I'm concerned that the customers might be confused, though; I have the umlaut in my name while they have the accent. I'm Chloë, not Chloé." Stop. Even if you're kidding? Stop. [Fashion Week Daily]

• Le sigh! Kirsten Dunst is, like, so over getting harassed at fashion shows for being so irresistibly fabulous. Kiki says that "Fashion shows really aren't my forte anymore" but somehow mustered the courage to go to the Chanel show anyway since, like, she was already in Paris. Her verdict? "Hey, it wasn't so bad. Maybe they had better security than other shows." [Fashion Week Daily]
• If you care about what editors think you'll be wearing this spring now that the Spring/Summer 2008 shows haveended (we know — you're thrilled), you can read here. Or you can, uh, just continue to wear whatever the fuck you want. [Vogue UK]
• Samuel L. Jackson: "I love fashion TV... Those of us who are comfortable in our maleness can appreciate fashion." [Vogue UK]
• Michelle Pfeiffer has never tweezed her eyebrows? My ass. [FabSugar]
• MTV is introducing a new online TV show following the lives of up-and-coming fashion designers. as they prepare for the MAGIC apparel trade show in Las Vegas, which is like the Fashion Week of shit people actually wear, not that that makes it any less ridiculous. Stars include renaissance DJ Steve Aoki. [WWD, 3rd item]
• It finally happened: Fashion blog Coutorture got bought out by Sugar Inc., which we hope means a name change to "TortureSugar." [WWD, 2nd item]
• Sex and the City costume designer (and longtime drag queen employer) Patricia Field swears she wasn't trying to shove Carrie Bradshaw-style down all our throats. "I'm just declaring it so. I know I look like I have a crystal ball or gypsy tea, but I don't." [WWD, 4th item]
• You know what irritates us even more than a brand getting celebrities to design a limited-edition version of a product? When a brand gets celebrities to design a limited-edition version of a product that's not even on sale! The offenders this time? French ballet slipper company Repetto. 30 designers (Chloe Sevigny, Jean Paul Gaultier). 30 pairs of ballerina shoes. On tour for your viewing pleasure. You know, because the Frick is so boring at this point. [WWD, 1st item]
• And on that note! The inhouse DJ of YSL, Balenciaga, Chanel, etc. is also a designer. His name is Michel Gaubert, and he "collaborated" with Longchamp on a collection of bags. [WWD, 4th item]

Instead, Jenny found a handful of South African tourists, confused by all the hullaballoo, a kind merchandising director named Theo who made sure she photographed both him and his window displays from their best sides, and a surly store manager (name withheld to protect the innocent) who placed her on Gap probation.

Having been tossed out on her ass before for her renegade fashion photography tactics (note to the Prada security guard — Jenny hasn't forgiven or forgotten), she revised her scheme, pulled her favorite items, and took to the dressing room to hide and play dress-up.

Jenny's more detailed timeline, after the jump.

8:53 am - All quiet on the western (store) front. Only 7 minutes until the big shebang, and the employees of The Gap on 42nd Street are still furiously assembling their window displays. Perhaps part of the delay comes from the fact that the window-dressing boy would rather pose for pictures for me then finish hanging the display.

8:55 am - "No, no! Photograph the straight one! The straight one!" Theo, this store's merchandising director (and the coordinator of the last minute window hustle), rushes towards me. He wants the world to know his windows are straight. (Insert obligatory joke here). As he is the nicest employee I come in contact with all morning, the least I can do is indulge him.

9:02 am - "So, are you here for Doo.Ri? Rodarte?" I say to the perturbed-looking women hovering outside the store's entrance. They turn to me in shock, looking like I've asked them how often they practice anal sex. I soon learn that they are tourists from South Africa who have already gone through all their clean clothing. They are anxious to buy new clothes so they can start their day. They have no idea what the CFDA is, nor do they care to learn. They are angry because the store should have opened two minutes ago. They do not want to talk to me anymore.

9:05 am - At last! The doors open! The manager tries to make some sort of speech, welcoming us. It's awkward, because at this point it's just me and the South African tourists. I try to muster some enthusiasm from our meager crowd, and encourage an unnecessary mad-cap dash up the stairs to the second floor, women's wear. And there at the top of the stairs, it greets us: Doo.Ri. Thakoon. Rodarte. All here at The Gap.

9:08 am - There is a moment of panic when no more medium-sized Doo.Ri dresses seem to be around. The floor staff informs us that there are plenty more in the back. During the crisis, however, I befriend Suzanne Donaldson, the Photo Director at Glamour magazine. She tells me she had no idea these items even existed until reading the item in the Times this morning and has been sent to purchase on behalf of several of her co-workers. She thinks the Rodarte pieces are best, and says she fears not about keeping her whites whiter and her brights brighter as she's a self-proclaimed "bleachaholic." The sight of this much white is heaven to her. Suzanne, I'm sure your co-workers thank you for doing the dirty work for them.

9:15 am - Though some employees seem somewhat distracted, this is not the case for the store's manager Phillip. Phillip says he understands "how thrilling all these white shirts are," but informs me that taking photos inside The Gap is a big no-go. My choices? Camera away, or leave the store...

9:16 am - ...or just snatch up my favorite items, hide in the dressing room, and snap away! Here's the before shot: Me in one of my favorite Gap pieces from two seasons back, the giant Boyfriend v-neck sweater. See, Gap, I love you — why don't you love me back?

Now the fashion show begins:

Look One: The Rodarte bow top isn't just cropped, it's cruel. It would be too short for even a slutty four-year old. Fashion-Victim Me is tempted, though, to buy it to prove my street cred. Cheap Me refuses to shell out $78 to be in on the joke. Frugality trumps style, but just this time.

Look Two: Fresh and sleek and smart is Rodarte's high-neck trapeze-shape tunic. Architectural yet wearable: I think I'm in love.

Look Three: I love everything about Thakoon's shirt-waist dress...except for its massive leg-of-mutton sleeves. The seaming in the back, which creates an insta-bustle the moment you tie the sash, is sheer genius. I try to see past the disastrous sleeves, which look like they're eating me alive, but then I realize I can't. That's how big they are.

Look Four: My life-long wish to wake up one day and find myself to have morphed into Charlotte Gainsbourg is actualized the moment I put on Doo.Ri's neck-tie blouse. Magical thinking? Maybe. Magical clothing? Yeah.

Look Five: Doo.Ri's phenomenally full-skirted shirt dress makes me want to go back to the future, become June Cleaver, bake a pie, and seduce the mailman. Duplicitous, it feigns modesty while oozing sex.

Look Six: In a stroke of (self-proclaimed) styling genius, I undo the tie on the Doo.Ri dress, and find myself sheathed in a gorgeous trapeze sheath. If I were Nina Garcia on Project Runway, this look would be endowed with the highest of compliments: It's very modern and very expensive looking.

9:49 am - As I exit the dressing room, I behold a stiletto-clad woman clutching a quilted Chanel bag in one hand and a giant camouflage GQ tote in the other. "Where did that girl go? Where are my dresses? Why aren't you people moving any faster?" The Nasties have arrived, clearly, so I take my cue and proceed to check-out.