Texas AG Ken Paxton, Who's Still 'Investigating' Planned Parenthood, Charged with Civil Securities Fraud 

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton was formally charged Monday with civil securities fraud by the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. Paxton was criminally indicted last year on a similar felony fraud charges. Paxton has spent much of this year pledging to investigate Planned Parenthood for horrible wrongdoing.

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Texas School District That Suspended Ahmed Mohamed Sues to Keep DOJ Investigation Private 

Ahmed Mohamed, the 14-year-old arrested after his high school principal erroneously believed that his homemade clock was a bomb, continues to be the center of an ongoing legal battle between his suburban Dallas school district and the state of Texas. Earlier this month, the Texas attorney general ordered the school…

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Buy This 'Ted Cruz Was the Zodiac Killer' Shirt and Fund Abortions 

We would never say definitively that presidential candidate and absolute charmer Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. That’s just a silly internet joke, children, one that’s gaining traction this election cycle and is in no way substantiated by Cruz’s cold dead eyes or his evident lack of human feeling. Stare into those…

Ex-Priest Arrested in Unsolved 1960 Murder of Texas Teacher and Beauty Queen Irene Garza 

John Feit, an ex-priest, has been arrested and indicted on charges of murdering Irene Garza, a schoolteacher and beauty queen in McAllen, Texas, in 1960. Feit has been under suspicion for decades: as a priest, he heard Garza’s last confession, and something belonging to him was found near her body in the canal where…

I Watched Michael Bay's Benghazi Movie at Cowboys Stadium With 30,000 Pissed-Off Patriots

“Why didn’t we bomb the shit out of them?” a man asked me. “Why aren’t we bombing the shit out of ‘em? Give me a B-52 and I’ll go over there right now.” It was a chilly night in Texas, but his mind was more than 6,000 miles away, in Libya. He and I and some 30,000 other people had come to AT&T Stadium in Arlington,…

Texas Governor Greg Abbott Releases Bananas Plan to Overthrow the Federal Government

Texas Governor Greg Abbott has made a career, calling, and vocation out of suing the federal government—“I go into the office, I sue the federal government,” he famously said, back when he was the state’s attorney general, but today he took it to a new and special place. Abbott released an entirely insane, wholly…

Sheriff: Tonya Couch, Mother of 'Affluenza' Teen, Complained About Subpar Jail Accommodations

Tonya Couch, the mother of “affluenza teen” Ethan Couch, was brought back to Texas Thursday after going on the lam in Mexico with her kid and getting caught for ordering shitty pizza. Tarrant County Sheriff Dee Anderson said Friday he was forced to tell her jail was “not a resort” after she complained about being…