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Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying

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Sputnik_Sweetheart
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
This warmed my heart. My grandmother was in a lot of discomfort in the hospital before she died-- I know she received good care, but just the nature of hospitals limits the quality care that is present at this convent. Everybody deserves to die with dignity, peace, and grace. And bless the doctor for treating the nuns with little to no compensation.
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MIXED
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
I hope I can die with my dignity, surrounded by friends and family. My mom and I just had a pretty morbid conversation the other day about what each of us would prefer in our old age - being cared for in a really top-notch hospice or being at home but feeling like you may be a constant burden on your family. It's a tough decision, but I want to make sure my parents can live comfortably at home till the end. Kudos to these nuns for maturity and sisterhood in the face of death. Classy ladies.
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linnyt is a walking cliché
07/09/09

@MIXED: I believe you can get home Hospice care. My grandfather did it that way and I think I'd like to go that way too. The nurse comes and takes care of the more physically difficult stuff for you and your family while you lay at home, peaceful and dying.
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OneTwoPunch
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
Beautiful piece, showing a better, more humane alternative to dying. I know I would much prefer this when it's my time, if I had the choice to make.
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shorty63136
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
I do find solace in knowing that my mom passed away at home with my uncle's partner who was an RN who my mother adored as well as a hospice nurse to help us through it and not in a hospital while being poked and prodded. It was a very, very difficult time for me (I was 17 and didn't understand WTF was going on - it seriously didn't register with me that she would die) as well as my family and knowing that I got to say goodbye in a peaceful manner while holding her hand is comforting. While I was traumatized by the whole 18-month process, I think I would've been far MORE traumatized had there been needles, tubes, shocking with paddles, etc. going on in a hospital.
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Yahtzii
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
My grandfather passed away just a couple of weeks ago, so I have the (un)fortunate experience of knowing that this is true. He suffered from leukemia for a long time and was very much in control of where and when he was going to die.

He opted to refuse his last round of chemotherapy in favor of sitting in the couch in his living room with all of his children and grandchildren. A lot of his old friends dropped in to say goodbye, telling him personally that he had had a profound effect on their lives. I wrote the eulogy with my grandmother during his last few hours and we were able to let him approve it.

I hope I'm not going too off topic, but these nuns are doing the exact same things and I think it says the same things about death:

1. Everybody dies, so you might as well get used to it. There's no sense in keeping it behind closed doors, as if it were something shameful, and you can't pretend it's not happening.

2. Prolonging death is not the same thing as prolonging life. Sometimes it's better to leave the hospital and face death sooner rather than dragging out a long, lifeless existence plugged into machines and wired with IV's, catheters, and monitors.
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Ipomoea
07/09/09

@Yahtzii: My grandfather passed away in a hospice, but it was very much a "you go there to die" hospice, not a "enjoy what you have left" hospice. I wish he would have been able to enjoy a situation like these nuns'. I really hope that our society begins to re-think end-of-life care and rituals, and begins to bring them out of hospitals and into homes.
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Yahtzii
07/09/09

@Ipomoea is a joyful girl: It seems like the biggest problem that Americans have right now is thinking about end-of-life care at all. We seem to think death is something that happens to other people.
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GeorgeFayne
07/09/09

@Yahtzii: I'm sorry for you loss, and I hope you're holding up well. My Nana died a couple weeks ago too. She wasn't sick for long, and she did die in a hospital, but with family there. My mom is a nurse (who used to work at the hospital Nana was at) and was able to really advocate for less intervention and more peace for her, despite the hospital setting. All things considered, it was a good death.
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Edited by GeorgeFayne at 07/09/09 3:02 PM GeorgeFayne was starred GeorgeFayne was unstarred

Yahtzii
07/09/09

@GeorgeFayne: Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss as well. It sort of still feels unreal, which I'm sure you understand.

If anything, I'm just glad to hear people talking about "good death" and acknowledging that we'll all meet our end at some point, but it just doesn't have to be so horrible. Even if you don't subscribe to any particular religion.
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la.donna.pietra
07/09/09

@Ipomoea is a joyful girl: My grandma passed away four years ago in a very similar sort of hospice, which had the added indignity of being incredibly expensive and difficult for my mom and her sisters to deal with. The whole situation was horribly frustrating for everyone involved and made a sad situation a lot worse.
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sciencerules
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
My grandmother chose this option, and died in her home under hospice care. Although it was hard to watch her wither and waste in the same place she'd been so happy, it was what she wanted. It was also incredibly helpful for family members who wanted to stop by and see her in her final days--no visiting hours, no interruptions. Just peace, and sadness.
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elitza owns the last Enzo shirt
07/09/09

@sciencerules: My aunt did that as well, and it was both comforting for her to be in her own home, and comforting to the rest of us as well--it's never fun to go to a home, hospital, or hospice, and knowing how much it meant for her to pass at home was a huge relief for us.

I can't help but think that she was so much more comfortable than either of my grandfathers, who both passed while in hospices. And while the hospices were vastly superior to hospitals, it still wasn't home for them--the surroundings weren't cozy and familiar, the people with them all day and night weren't their family and friends.
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hamburgerhotdog
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
This is so true. I remember someone telling me years ago that brownstone house stairways were built wide enough so they could accomodate a casket, since most funerals were held in a home's parlor.

I think the main difference now is that the death process is so drawn out because of modern medicine, and many people don't have the space or means to provide that sort of care in a home setting. My mom cared for someone who was comatose/near death for a year and said the physical/mental/emotional/financial toil was beyond description.
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andBegorrah
07/09/09

@hamburgerhotdog: That's fascinating about the architectural component. How much of modern culture - from advertising's obsession with youth to hospice care to the funeral arrangements - is built around shielding people from their own mortality?
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librariesare4lovers
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
I hope this serves an example of why this country needs more comprehensive medical care. I don't see how anyone can deny the benefits of hospice care but the the reality of it is that there are very few insurance companies that will pay for it. So reading an article like this that highlights all the positive things that can result from care like this is sort of like a big tease b/c I know not many people have access to it.
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la.donna.pietra
07/09/09

@librariesare4lovers: Yeah, it can be mind-bogglingly expensive. My grandma's hospice care ran about $5K a day. She was in there for about three weeks.
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Santos L Halper
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
As someone who has worked in both hospice and a hospital, this is the ideal model for a dignified death, in my experience. Nothing was more painful for me to watch than a patient, obviously dying, having to live out his or her last days filled with tubes and fluids. Not only was it difficult and, in a way, insulting to the patient's humanity, but it was hard on the family as well. Hospice care was a very rewarding experience, in that one was able to have some control over the circumstances of one's death. The ideal, though, as presented in this article, is a death at home, surrounded by familiarities and families. The rub comes in where cost is concerned, as home nursing care can become quite expensive, making this option unavailable for many. Hopefully, something in this "healthcare reform" package will address the growing need and desire for home hospice care.
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Zombie Ms. Skittles
07/09/09

@Santos L Halper: We can only hope. My grandpa went very senile very suddenly (a combination of actual age related degeneration and some medical malpractice), so being at home wasn't an option for us because nobody could stay home with him all day and make sure he didn't steal any cars or get jobs at any major financial institutions (true story). It was heartbreaking to literally watch him wither and die in hospitals and institutions. I wish there had been a way for us to have someone watch him during the day, but unless you can afford a private nurse, the health care system for the elderly just isn't set up for that.
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Zombie Ms. Skittles
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
That's a really interesting idea. I wonder if that particular philosophy of death and dying could be translated into a secular nursing home or hospice environment.
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emilyanne
07/09/09

@Zombie MissSkittles: I'm not sure, the Catholic Church is very predicated on this preparation for death. As a side note - my Irish grandfather and both his brothers moved into hospices run by nuns when they were dying as opposed to hospitals and two of them were qualified doctors but they felt that dying was something religious and communal and not impersonal.
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Santos L Halper
07/09/09

@Zombie MissSkittles: This is the philosophy of many hospice facilities, but there's only so much of a "home" environment that they can create there. Nursing homes are, unfortunately, a completely different story. Some are more progressive than others, but their general treatment and guidance of residents through the dying process is woefully inadequate.
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lucystrawberry: Tier 2 is the new black
07/09/09

In reply to Nuns Teach One Another, Us, As They Lay Dying
My Nana died of lung cancer at home, and was cared for by hospice in the home. I was talking with someone who's grandfather also had hospice, and we both agreed that it was hugely helpful. Hospice workers basically hold your hand thru the grieving process and help you understand death. It was wonderful to be able to spend her last days with her in her home and not in a hospital.
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