• Ellen DeGeneres is so psyched about the California Supreme Court ruling regarding gay marriage that she's gonna get hitched to longtime love Portia de Rossi. Woohoo! It would be kind of awesome if they did it on TV. And then danced! [TMZ]
  
• Pregnant Angelina Jolie will be looking "sexy" on the July cover of Vanity Fair; she was shot by Patrick Demarchelier. Wonder if he'll have her Photoshopped? [Page Six]
  
• Click here if you need info on Angelina's tattoos. [Sydney Morning Herald]
  
• Angelina will probably give birth in France, FYI. [USA Today]
  
• Angelina's dad Jon Voight is all riled up over Israel: "God gave this land to the Jewish people; they shouldn't be giving it away," he says. But, um, Voight is not Jewish. [Mirror]
  
• "If I punched every bitch who called me fat, it would be dead bitches all up and down the highway." — Star Jones. [Page Six]

• Just two weeks after marrying Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon is driving a new car: the $120,000 Maserati Quattroporte. Did Drumline profits pay for it? [TMZ]
• Ali Lohan swears that even though sister Lindsay hangs with Sam Ronson, she is not a lezebel. "They're best friends. They're just friends. It's pathetic what people say," Ali claims. [Perez Hilton]
• Here's a book for your Amazon wish list: Hollywood Babylon: It's Back has full-frontal nudes of stars like Mick Jagger, Daniel Radcliffe, Ewan McGregor, John Malkovich, James Woods and Richard Gere. Plus! Stories about the size of other actors; Johnny Depp was known as "donkey dick" and an art student who sketched Sean Connery years ago swears, "It was the biggest I've ever seen. It made me drop my charcoal pencil." [Rush & Molloy]
• As previously reported, Britney Spears and Mel Gibson are on vacay together in Costa Rica. Also along for the adventure are Brit's dad Jamie and Mel's wife Robin, as well as some "unidentified youngsters." Apocalypto! [E!]
• An L.A. band says there's a Miley Cyrus song that sounds suspiciously like one of theirs. Miley's rep says, "She doesn't write the songs - she sings them. We have referred this to Disney." Ah, well, okay then. [Page Six]
• Hulk Hogan has written letters to the court trying to get his son Nick a softer sentence; Hulk says Nick isn't the wild kid people see on TV because their reality show "is scripted." [TMZ]
• American Idol alum Taylor Hicks will join the cast of Grease on Broadway. [ET]
• Duran Duran are in the news! They rerouted their world tour to perform for Deutsche Bank staffers; then the show got canceled. Now they're hungry like the wolf. Don't say a prayer for them now, save it til the morning after. [Mirror]
• Sheryl Crow has a new boyfriend; he's a restauranteur and pilot from Alabama. He can fly home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. [MSNBC]
• Movie-industry private investigator Anthony Pellicano has been found guilty of conspiracy after wiretapping and harassing a string of celebrities, including Garry Shandling, Kevin Nealon, Sylvester Stallone and Keith Carradine. [Portfolio]
• Rapper DMX has pleaded not guilty to felony drug possession and misdemeanor animal cruelty charges. [Yahoo News]
• Jury selection is complete in the trial of R. Kelly! Maybe the trial will finally begin? [Mirror]
• Ryan Kavanaugh, the executive producer of 21, smitten with Natalie Portman? What will Devendra Banhart say? [Page Six]
• Kanye West performed with four topless dancers wearing space helmets and made $1 million. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which TV legend likes to play dirty in the bedroom? The larger-than-life fella ties up his conquests with bathrobes - and takes breaks from "satisfying" the girls only to snort piles of coke." [Rush & Molloy]
• Lil' Kim won $500,000 in a lawsuit against a former fellow Junior M.A.F.I.A. member. That kind of cash will get her some nice fingernails. [Vibe]
• Dennis Rodman has been charged with battery and domestic violence after allegedly hitting his girlfriend last month in an L.A. hotel. Rodman is currently in a rehab facility, but he told TMZ "I've never hit anyone." [TMZ]
• Kelly Osbourne has a new boyfriend named Luke. [Mirror]
• "The handbags alone were heavenly. I'm a handbag girl, so I was just salivating. Every time a new purse came into the wardrobe room I'd get so excited. People would walk in with arms full of bags, just trying to decide which one my character should use that day. Just flipping through them, one more beautiful than the next. I was stunned... Next time I will make sure I put a clause into my contract that I get to keep all my purses." — Jennifer Hudson, on the Sex And The City movie. [Mirror]

Who's fat? Who's lonely? Who's feuding? Celebrity weekly round-up after the jump.

This could have been the shortest round-up ever: they're all shit, read the phone book instead.

But no. Let's plow on, if only to find out who's lame, who's lamer and who should be taken outside and shot.

Life & Style continues in its cheerfully ridiculous fantasy land, getting Jennifer Aniston engaged, Brad and Angie planning a wedding and Kevin and Britney back together. Still, it's the kind of magazine aimed at morons who think a $2 lipstick from Wal-mart will actually make them look like Jessica Alba, just because L&S told them so, so credibility is the least of their problems.

In Touch has the world's least convincing headline: Jen Looks Pregnant! She looks pregnant. Not that she is or anything. Unless she is. But In Touch doesn't actually know. So, you know, whatever. Talk amongst yourselves. As you nod off gently, you may notice that Kirstie Alley lost weight, Jessica and Nick split up, and Angelina had a baby. Gripping stuff.

Star looks unlikely to halt its circulation plunge with the horrendous looking, and totally irrelevant cover proclaiming that Reese Witherspoon (who?) and Julia Roberts are both knocked up. Even if it were true, why on earth do they think anyone gives a flying toss? They have pics of pregnant Anna Nicole Smith, topless and covered in grease. Don't eat at least an hour before looking at them. Star also has EXCLUSIVE blurry pics of Nick Lachey and whatever blow-up doll he's spilling his seed into this week. And for about the 20th time, they have a stab at Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro splitting up. Expect a glowing piece about how happy they are together next week, after Carmen's publicist's head spins round and vomits green slime over Bonnie Fuller.

With typical lack of savvy, OK! has exlusive first pics of the baby that no-one particularly cares about or wants to see - Gwen and Gavin's son Kingston. And Nick Lachey disembowelled a small child and smeared its blood all over his chest, in a Satanic ritual at Koi. Not really. He's dating a portable vagina, but there's no pics because Star beat them to it. Oh, and Jennifer and Vince are going out with each other and you just wasted a tiny little bit of your life reading that non-story. Next time just poke out your eyeballs and be done with it.

People Magazine is its usual deluded self. Britney's happy and everything's fine, Jennifer's happy and everything's fine, and Jessica is happy and everything is fine and the earth is flat and the moon is made of cheese. They crown their hottest bachelor of 2006 - Taylor Hicks, which shows such a lapse of taste there's no point in going any further down the list. Who's number 10? David Fucking Gest? The only page of any interest whatsoever is p140, where they chronicle the 20 - yes - 20 men who have crawled up Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch in the one year she's been legal. A few even made it back out again.

This week's prime candidate for euthanasia is US Weekly, with an edition so bland, its lifeless pages almost disintegrate in your hand - or is that just wishful thinking? The cover promises the inside details of Brangelina's first days home, and goes on to deliver exactly the same bland, catch-all, 'a source says' crap all the others vomit up this week in about half the space. And Britney isn't happy and Jen and Vince are dating and there does not appear to be one original thought that went into this magazine and frankly it should crawl into a corner and die.

K-Fed smokes at a gas station. And lives, unfortunately.

The President of Namibia writes a thank you note to Brangelina.

Tori Spelling. Point and laugh.

Find your inner bratpacker. We're Molly Ringwald. Of course.