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Nannies: Friends, Family, Or Employees?
New York, 7:20 PM
Mon Dec 14
51 posts in the last 24 hours
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Nannies: Friends, Family, Or Employees? |
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06/08/09
I reached my limit when I was expected to provide the mom who is the shittiest mother I've ever experienced a detailed schedule of my weekend activities, even though I had my weekends off. No, I don't have to do that, even if I am living in your house.
It was also weird then being the "mom" in the house - not just taking care of the kids, but also being the other grownup in the dynamic. The dad never, ever hit on me, but it was still an intimate relationship in the fact that we were both invested in the welfare of these kiddos, and since I was basically the new mom stand-in i had to be involved in a lot of other household things.
I love kids, but I'm relieved not to be doing that anymore.
I can't even watch The Nanny Diaries - my first live-in gig is too eerily similar.
06/08/09
I never had a "Nanny" but my Mom left me with parent's of my "friends" 4 different times throughout my childhood, all for months to a year at a time, afterschool. I HATED IT. I preferred daycare or even just going home to be alone, but that was out of the question. Every single one of my "friends" all developed a power trip and I was made to feel like a burden and a total outcast. Awful awful AWFUL memories. I even ran away from one of these people's houses once.
So please, Jezzie Mothers, don't leave your kids with their friend's Moms. It never turns out the way you think.
06/08/09
06/08/09
This definitely applies to non-nannies; it can apply to anyone whose employer blurs the lines between professional and personal. I worked for a while as a secretary for a hypnotist who told me on my first day to think of him as a "second father". I worked for him and his wife who often referred to me as a "third daughter" and to themselves as "parents". They actively encouraged me to think of them as family and then accused me of being unprofessional I got upset after they forced me to work overtime for no compensation. I was so humiliated when the wife said to me "I cannot be your mother". Um, I never asked you to be--that was your idea, remember? Sheeit.
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06/08/09
But admittedly I did look after some spectacularly odd kids who attracted disaster and chaos...like the 4 year old who stood on a baby stingray off the Massachusetts coast...
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06/08/09
My second nanny died of brain cancer. I wonder how she afforded treatment. I've never asked my parents how Amanda had health insurance, I suppose because when I was ten I didn't think much about it.
06/08/09
06/08/09
On the other hand, I had one family for 8 years, and the 3 children blended with my girls and became friends for life. The oldest 2 are now in college and will come visit me when they are home. It was sad when they outgrew me, because I loved them like my own! The situation worked because their Mother and I had mutual respect.
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06/08/09
"We think Sally has a corn allergy. She gets really hyper and throws up when we feed it to her. We fed her some corn earlier. Okay, bye!"
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06/08/09
During that summer, my parents ended up separating. Mom told Lori, the au pair (who was from North Dakota and a nursing student), that she would put her through nursing school if she'd stick around for a while.
Lori ended up living with us until the end of 7th grade. My mom was her matron of honor, and Lori is my brother's godmother.
Did Lori "work for" my mom? Sure. But the dynamic was definitely more of a family one - almost like Lori was a stay-at-home mom, while Mom went to work. For instance, once my brother and I were both in school, Lori went to work part-time as a nurse in a biofeedback clinic, and eventually became full-time. She had disciplinary power, though any major stuff waited till she and my mom had a chance to discuss it. She joined us for any holidays she didn't head home to ND for, and we spent Easter at her house with her family this year.
My grandparents paid for a good chunk of her wedding.
So, yeah, it's complicated, but it IS possible to have a "nanny" become part of the family.
06/08/09
You do when you're 10. Kids always ask lots of dumb questions.
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06/08/09
Because I suspect from your simplistic sounding statement above that you don't. If you did I bet you wouldn't see this as such a black and white thing. Kids pick up stuff you wouldn't believe all over the place. And while OF COURSE I agree with you that parents need to teach diversity and "embrcing all peoples" a 10 year old will hear friends (who maybe weren't taught manners or embracing others) say something and might not immediately realise it is rude or rascist like an adult would. The fact tht Dodai felt they were friends before that tells me she was probably generally a well-behaved polite girl.
I have no idea in this particular case what the real deal was - her parents could have been all-out racist loons, but I'm just saying - having kids of my own I know a kid is not a fully formed adult, and while I understand why dodai was hurt by what that girl said I don't think i would judge a 10 year old the same way I would a grown up for saying what she said. I also wouldn't decide she hadn't been taught manners or diversity on the basis of one question.
06/08/09
a. I felt icky that a subset of my salary would encompass the whole of theirs---not really rational, but still icked me out.
b. I think everyone deserves breaks, vacations, co-workers (in case you just need to step away)--professionalism.
c. How can you find a person out there that you can trust so completely. At least in a daycare center there are other teachers, other parents, inspectors, etc. to check on things or notice when stuff goes poorly.
d. The kids learn to get along with other kids.
So, there you have it.
06/08/09
a) The average nanny hourly wage dwarfs that of a daycare worker. There's nothing altruistic about daycare.
b) I give my nanny 2 weeks off. And she can break when the kids nap, currently 2 hours per day.
c) Classified ad/intensive screening and interviews.
d) That's what nursery school is for.
I used daycare when I had one child, and I was anti-nanny, so I have experience with both. I hired a nanny when I had two under two. And I have to say: having a nanny is such an amazingly positive experience. For a zillion reasons.
06/08/09
I hesitate to say it--but a lot of women out there don't pay their nannies a proper salary, often exploiting immigration issues--and I used a daycare center that paid their teachers a wage of about an asst teacher at a public school. Not enough by a long shot.
I was appalled at the low prices of some inhome daycare. I was a manager at a independent bookstore so I didn't make a lot of money. The childcare situation in this country is a tough equation for everyone involved.
06/08/09